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Baby’s first trail race

April 11, 2017

The race: the Swamp Creek Stomp

The distance: five kilometers

The official time: civilizations rose and fell while I was out there

Heyyyyy there friends.  SO. One of the things on my list of things I wanted to do this year was to run a trail race.  I’ve run a few dozen road races at this point, and a couple of them have like, touched dirt, kinda, but I’ve definitely never done an actual trail race.  I knew this one was gonna be a tough one, partially because trail races just inherently are tough, but I also log a vast majority, like 95%, of my miles on the treadmill or pavement. The one trail I do use is packed dirt and has no tree limbs or large rocks or creek crossings and y’all, I knew I was woefully underprepared but I DID IT.  I was also concerned that the race did not actually exist, because it was on April 1st, and like, that would be a very jerk move to be like “LAWL THERE’S NO RACE GO HOME, SUCKERS” and runners are generally chill but WHAT IF.

Anyway

I drove myself there on Saturday morning, and I knew I was nervous because I was doing the thing that I do when I’m nervous and driving which is to sing hymns, so it was 8:15 AM and I’m chugging along belting out “For All the Saints.”  If you’re not familiar, it is an absolute banger and really gets the crowds going.  Ball so hard.  No, I don’t know why I do this, but I do, and it’s like “Lose Yourself” but for slow awkward Catholic girls in terms of pump up music.

I just made myself laugh picturing myself playing for the Yankees and asking for this as my walkup music oh my word

ANYWAY

I get there and there are tbh not as many dogs as I was hoping for but other than that everyone is friendly and the race organizers are playing “Eye of the Tiger” as every race within a 100-mile radius of Philly is obligated to do (still love the song keep up the good work fam).  The race announcer tells the 10k people that they had to make some adjustments to the course because we got like, feet of rain the night before and the course is a mess and one of the creek crossings is literally too high to be safe so I’m sitting there like “aight, mud.  Mud is happening.  It cool, I got this, I got my high socks on and garbage bags in my car for later, I ain’t scared, leggo.”

I DID NOT GOT THIS

The fun part about being a back-of-the-pack-er is that you get to follow everyone else and kinda see where to go and on road races, who cares, it’s not like they’re beating down the pavement and it’s no good to run on when you get there.  NOT SO WITH A TRAIL RUN.  I almost ate it crossing the actual start line because of mud, and within the first quarter mile we were 1. in the woods 2. in ankle-deep mud.  A girl lost her shoe.  Her dad fished it out and tried to retie the laces and oh my goodness watching him try to untie and then retie cold wet muddy laces with cold wet muddy hands was like if you filled up rubber gloves with JELL-O and then had to use them to practice your Boy Scout skills on exceptionally tough spaghetti.  Homie was there for a while.

The runners before me were confidently placing their feet in the mud and then lifting them up and not??? falling over???? which??? how?????? I had to walk a large majority of the race simply because moving any faster would have been disastrous.  Y’all remember that fight in motor oil from the Transporter movie?  I was every bad guy without even a Statham to look at.  The 10k runners had two laps to do and a good two dozen of them lapped me.

After a while I got into a bit of a not-terrible rhythm, grabbed on to some trees when necessary, my fitbit made some noises, I embraced the cold squishiness in my shoes, and IT’S THE EYE OF THE TIIIIIIGER.  Then I actually checked my fitbit to see how far I’d gone and it was like, 90 feet.  Nine feet.  None feet, possibly, because it had tracked the walk from my car to the starting line.  “Trail race” was a misnomer, as was “trail run.”  “Trailslog.”  But I was Doing It.  I was Making My Dreams Come True.  I was Leaning In, not because I wanted to but because hills [also, quick aside: Lean In and trail running are related in that they’re apparently really only applicable to white women??? Why you gotta be so white, racing, why].  And then, we had one of several creek crossings.

Okay

Y’all remember in Homeward Bound, when Shadow can’t get out of that mud ravine and you felt your entire being collapse in on you even though you’d seen the movie like 80 times and he’s exhausted and old and covered in mud and gets *so close* to the top a bunch of times but can’t hold on

That was me, trying to get in and out of the creek.  There were ropes, and people to help, but there was basically no grip on the banks, so hands went in the mud, butt went in the mud, dignity went in the mud.  There was a dude behind me who was also about to use the rope to climb down, and he was all “you can go first” and I was all “no you, good sir” and he was all “no it’s okay, I’m gonna be a while” and I was all “that’s exactly why I was offering to let you go first because samesies” and at this point the race’s Rope Watcher Guy is laughing at us both for being fainting delicate flowers.  We both did it, though.

And then there was another creek crossing.  A 10k runner came up behind me and straight launched himself from one bank to the other because idk we had like Olympic decathletes up in this woods and apparently the Oregon Trail has a cheat code for rivers called “just jump the sumbitch.”  I personally, decided to caulk the wagon and float it and lost

  • One set of clothing
  • One wagon wheel
  • My pride (drowned)

There were rocks and stuff in the creek, y’all, I ain’t about that turned ankle life.  So I did the rest of the race with mud on um, places and my long sleeves were wet at the wrists because I had to put my hands into the creek to not fall over and look even worse than I already did oh GOD, WHERE IS THE WILLAMETTE VALLEY WHY ARE WE NOT THERE YET.

I am 90% sure I got kinda lost – I know GPS trackers aren’t the most reliable and hills will mess them up but when I’m well into 4 miles for a 5k I’m thinking I messed up.  My hands did that thing where they get super puffy after a while of holding them at my sides, and the sun actually came out and I’d been out there longer than my 10k PR and like, what.  So tired.  The most tired.  I napped like a beast when I got home.

Once I got to the end, I was able to run probably a third of a mile over some relatively dry gravel and grass.  At this point, I was very aware that I was the last, actual last, 5k runner out on the course, because the two girls who were behind me quit and hopped on an ATV back to the start, so I suppose I beat two ten-year-olds?  I’ve never actually DFL’ed (dead effing last) a race before, but I’m almost glad I did – it was new and humbling but also meant that I actually finished, which was great.  In the last section, one of the guys giving directions saw a 10k runner about to pass me, and they yelled “don’t let him beat you!” and I yelled back “it’s okay, he’s lapped me already” and they laughed and runners are just cool, yo.

I got me a shirt and soft pretzels at the end (additional bonus to Philly-area races: always got them soft pretzels) and then somehow got back to my car and removed what layers I could, put trashbags down on the car seat (garbage sittin on garbage bags HEYOOOO) and drove home.  Absolutely would and will repeat, and hopefully I will get the mud out from under my toenails Some Day.

Nerding

Satellite radio channels that I wish existed

February 8, 2017

So I got into a minor car accident two days before Christmas, and since my car is off getting its bumper and taillights and some other car parts I don’t know fixed, I have a rental.  It is a 2017 Kia Soul, so I currently got Soul but I’m not a soldier.  I’m not sorry.

Anyway, the car comes with satellite radio, and I love it and I also should not be trusted with it, because my first instinct was to change every preset to the hair bands station.  After getting over this impulse, I found allllll the stations, including Pop2k, which is the hits from the first decade of the millennium and contains every feeling I’ve ever had.  Gosh, that station is great, and I discovered I still know Missy’s verse in “1, 2 Step” despite not ever shaking it like jello or making the boys say hello.  Gosh darn that’s a great song.  The stations are good times and they are pretty baller with their themes (including Hair Nation… I like Def Leppard more than I should STOP JUDGING ME), but I can definitely think of some they missed.

Continue Reading…

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

What Game of Thrones characters are up to between seasons 6 and 7

January 17, 2017

Jorah – is chilling at a greyscale cure hospital; has been practicing an acoustic version of Counting Crows’ “Rain King” for months; they are withholding his treatment until he stops warbling “I BELOOOONG ANYWHERE BUT IN BETWEEN”

 

Sansa – listening to Faith Hill’s “Cry” and plotting Baelish’s death

Wait that’s me

But also Sansa

Arya – just getting creepier by the day and just morphing into a more deadly Wednesday Addams

*Mushu from Mulan voice* My little baby off to destroy people

Bran – I’m a motherf*ckin’ Stark boy

Everyone else, esp. Meera – look what you’ve done

Cersei – blew up another chunk of the city because why not, this reign isn’t sustainable might as well wreck the place so they remember you

Also she has purchased even larger shoulder pads

Jaime – is frantically writing a letter to Brienne

“my sister girlfriend is cray can I come stay with you???”

Brienne – to Sansa, reading said letter: “omg what do I text back? Like I don’t wanna seem too desperate, and ugh I’m like starting this thing with Tormund maybe??? Like that beard, tho, plus he’s gonna be in the next Fast and Furious movie, but Jaime and I have *history,* you know?”

Tormund – filming Fast 8 (no really)

(I am PSYYYYYYCHED but also my HEART no seriously I genuinely enjoy the Fast and Furious movies and was very emotional over Paul Walker and I adore Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson and idk guys the heart wants what it wants)

(also if you haven’t watched the trailer yet go do it)

(Ours is the Furious)

Dany – *just intensely blasting Seven Nation Army on repeat until she lands*

Jon – “Dear Diary, literally all I want is to deeply mourn my girlfriend and pet my deathdoggie and play CoD with my half sister, but people keep putting me in charge of things

like

can u not

if it’s because of the man bun I will at least…strongly consider not wearing it anymore but no guarantees”

Sam – *continues to make that starry-eyed face indefinitely*

Gilly – okay I’m psyched that you’re psyched but I still can’t come into your manbookcave and you’re gonna be there forever so what’s the fucken plan, Mr. Gamgee

Davos – tbh I’m not sure because if I think about him too hard I start tearing up DON’T TOUCH ME

like are we gonna make him Jon’s Hand? Is that the goal? idek just don’t hurt him for like six days okay, please

Melisandre – negotiating her number of topless scenes while stating “it’s been 84 years” like old Rose in Titanic

Sandor – murdering

like this isn’t a real question, what’s he up to? murder

 

Olenna – bein’ fresh to death and sassing the heck out of everyone

Dorne – *siiiiiiigh* how did they get this so wrong

Like Alexander Siddig laughing in the background all “I MAY BE DEAD BUT I’M OUT THIS PLOTLINE HEYYOOOO”

Pedro Pascal just smirking “miss me yet?” SO MUCH, BOO, SO MUCH

I literally just had to go look up the Sand Snakes’ names, because I care so little, and now I’m mad because they are pretty cool in the books, or at least not terrible

I FIGHT FOR DORNE, WHO DO YOU FIGHT FOR idk like, better writers, I guess, and less stupid

Yara – dating Dany

for the record, this ship is called “The Iron Fleet” and I am On Board

It’s not really called that, I just call it that but they’d make a really cute couple

Theon – getting better therapy than “rub some dirt in it” from his sister, I hope

Tyrion – receiving something he hasn’t earned

Your Fave is Problematic

 

Margaery and The Blackfish and Roose Bolton – off commiserating somewhere that they didn’t get great death scenes

The Blackfish because his was off camera and it gets reported to us by some nameless soldier goshdarn it I’m still mad about it

Roose because that was bullshit and if Ramsay was ever gonna kill him it’d be with poison because Ramsay is a coward (miss u and ur swishy cloak, Roose)

Margaery because her last outfit was a turtleneck with like 8 layers and girl is not about that life

Euron – “building” ships with the exactly zero trees that are on the Iron Islands uuggghh worst kingsmoot ever

Daario – LOLOLOL WHO CARES HE OFF THE SHOW doofus Keith who plays the Red and Yellow Knight at Medieval Times on Tuesdays and for two shows on Fridays got dropped like the generic sidepiece he is

 

Uncategorized

A definitive ranking of religious Christmas songs

December 25, 2016

Okay, so, yes, I am biased because I am big into Jesus, and because I did choir stuff for a while, and because I’m a human living in the world, but just because I’m biased doesn’t mean I’m not correct.  That’s just how it is.

Also, there are of course Christmas songs that are not religious.  Some are great (“All I Want For Christmas Is You,” instrumental “Sleigh Ride,” John McClane’s screaming in Die Hard) and some are terrible (“(Simply Having) A Wonderful Christmastime,” “Last Christmas,” Cameron Diaz’s voice in “The Holiday”), but they aren’t here.  Again, just how it is. Ilu guyz I’m just lazy it’s cool

HERE WE GO

  • God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen – 7/10
    • Very solid entry, makes you feel like you’re not singing a religious song because this is what like, a really proper pirate would use as a drinking song while sipping a cordial
    • Nice and zippy, no slowing down for any reason
    • Uses “comfort and joy” which is all we can hope for sometimes
    • Has that bonkers version with Sarah McLachlan and Barenaked Ladies which is whaaaaaat??? but also absolutely delightful??? that version gets 8/10 I like it good work
  • Away in a Manger – 3/10
    • Warbly soprano nonsense
    • Sorry not sorry this song is not good
    • Starts off on such a high note that’s also supposed to be quiet? Why?
      • Yes I sing alto how on earth did you know
    • “The little Lord Jesus” is such a weird line, like not baby or infant, just small, a 6-inch but fully grown Jesus, no crying he makes
    • This turns into a dirge so easily
    • Needs to go
  • Go Tell it on the Mountain – 6/10
    • This song sung by white people: 2/10
    • It’s pretty good but when you start getting “I clap on 1 and 3”-type white people involved this song turns to mush SO FAST
  • Angels We Have Heard on High – 7/10
    • It’s prettyyyyyyy I’m okay with it
      • The alto part is not bad
    • The Gloria is gorgeous if you’re ready for it and tbh absolutely hi-LAR-rious if you’re not
      • Like being in church and just hearing the congregation scattershot fade out, gasping, only to burst in IN EXCELSIS DEEEEEEOOOOO while looking slightly discolored in the face from lack of oxygen
        • I’m not nice
    • Also earned points for however you got taught how to pronounce that
      • Mine was “egg-shell cease”
  • Little Drummer Boy – 1/10
    • This is garbage come at me
    • Religious but non-biblical
      • Like somebody wrote fanfiction for the Bible and we were all like “sounds legit” and sing it to celebrate the birth of our Savior rum pa pum pum
      • Not canon
    • “The ox and lamb kept time”
      • Nope
      • No they did not
    • The best tweet I saw about this song said “hey, there’s a tired mother and a newborn, you know what they need? A drum solo.”
    • It’s repetitive and annoying and treacly trash and even Josh Groban and good harmony cannot save it ba rum pa pum
  • O Come, O Come Emmanuel – 8/10
    • YOOOOOO SONG YOU WENT IN
    • Like this song is almost creepy with its minor key goodness, but you’re still so happy when you’re singing it??? How? What magic???
    • It *can* get dirge-like but you have to work to make it do so
    • There’s really not like, a set of measures?  Just hit these downbeats?  And we all do fine with it???  Song, you punk rock and I love it
  • Mary Did You Know? – 2/10
    • And this is what happens when you get a minor key and the song is bad, it just stays bad
    • She knew, homie
      • Read your Bible
      • Go sit in the shame corner with the drummer boy rum pa pum pum
    • Don’t mansplain the birth of Jesus to Mary
    • Also ugh, this song is just *bad,* like if you’re gonna be obnoxious to the Virgin Mother at least write a song that isn’t made of tears and stupid intervals
  • Hark! The Herald Angels Sing – 10/10
    • I know you’re surprised I was too but I LOVE THIS SONG IT IS MY FAVE
    • “Peace on earth, and mercy mild/ God and sinners reconciled” hits me right in the Jesus parts of my heart, I can’t help it
    • Also is Mendelssohn whom I adore because am sap
    • The melody itself to this song is stunning, it starts off calm and then just builds, and when you hit the three C’s in a row and you think you can’t do more YOU CAN WE STILL GOIN’ FAM, IT’S LIT
    • This one also does not just go for one solid verse and then bail, leaving you holding the bag – every verse is good stuff
  • Joy to the World – 8/10
    • This is good stuff yo, just good stuff
    • loses a point for that weird third verse that is like “deathdeathdeath cursecursecurse” it’s so, so odd, and I pray for every church that forgets it exists and powers on through and then is like *slow motion* OOOOHHHH NNNNNOOO but it’s TOO LATE
      • “we will be singing verses 1, 2, and 4” learn it live it it saves lives
    • Alto part is cool beans and can stay, same with the men’s part
    • Just does what it says on the box, well done
  • Do You Hear What I Hear? – 5/10
    • Not my fave, but not objectionable, if that makes sense
    • It can get a little too military march-y, like baby Jesus is not leading us into an invasion, do less
    • When you get a nice lady voice singing this song with little trills, the sap part of my heart wakes up and is like “THAT’S THE STUFF I LIKE, START CRYING” and it’s a good cry but then I get mad because I’m so vulnerable
  • O Holy Night – 10/10
    • This song is straight-up Christina bait and if it were not for my overwhelming Hark! love this song would be first
    • “But it’s a show-offy song!” Yes, yes it is, now please find someone to show off
    • The high note?  Like, that note is made of the combined hopes of the world glued together with tears and Patronus-memories and NONE OF US ARE SAFE
      • If you haven’t go listen to Mariah’s version of it with her dog whistle voice and backing gospel choir NOW
    • Also, the English lyrics are from an abolitionist
      • “Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother/ and in His name all oppression shall cease” YES GOOD THIS IS MY JAM
  • It Came Upon a Midnight Clear – 4/10
    • meeeeehhhhh
    • Nothing super objectionable, it’s just not that good?
      • This is official facts sorry Midnight Clear fans you just gotta deal
    • Sometimes pretty difficult to sing or play, since the intervals jump around a lot, but the payoff simply isn’t there
      • like you work super hard for a lullaby, no baby is gonna be like “yessss I HEARD you with them accidentals WERK”
    • Also very frequently warbly soprano nonsense
  • Lo, How A Rose E’er Blooming – 9/10
    • Good *clap* stuff *clap*
    • You want harmonies?  This song has all of them, borderline more than you could want
    • Props to this song for being a Christmas song that actually cares about dynamics a little
      • Like, yes, I live a ff life for all of Christmas so no shame, but I appreciate what you did here, Germans
    • I don’t hear it in church much so if I do hear it or I deliberately listen to it it’s like finding a Pikachu in Pokemon Go
      • Y’all still play that, right
        • That’s a no, isn’t it
          • Dang it
  • O Come All Ye Faithful –  7/10
    • Another solid entry
    • Loses a point for the alto line just being one note like 27 times
      • If you need us so bad, why you treat us so bad, huh?
    •  Also does a good job with mixing up the verses – 2 and 3 are solid, though it does fall apart a bit at “Liiiiight ooooof Liiiiiight”
    • Nice triumphant ending that let’s you wrap it up or start a new verse easily
    • Lets me pretend that I know Latin, which I don’t
  • What Child is This? – 7/10
    • Can v v v easily drop to like, 3/10 if the pace isn’t zippy
      • Like make this brisk or the birth of your Savior is secondary to getting the heck out of whatever room you’re in
    • It’s Greensleeves, yo, you can’t hate too hard
    • If you get good harmonies on this, it’s a party
      • like a classy one, a book club with a cheese plate, but still a party
  • Silent Night – 8/10
    • As opposed to Silento Night
      • Watch me whip, watch me bay-bay
        • I’m so sorry
    • Alto line here is A++++ and makes you think they care
    • Loses a point for trying to be quiet on those high notes and you kinda can’t and everyone is just squeaking and laughing
    • Forreals, tho, this song is lovely and actually pretty peaceful and hits the feelings good

Lemme know if I missed any of your faves OR missed the mark real bad

A Merry Christmas to all of you – may peace be with you in 2017.

Nerding

I watch plenty of other terrible television

October 17, 2016

Game of Thrones burrrrrrnnnnn ooooooh

Okay, that’s actually abundantly false.  Both for the reason that I don’t watch all that much TV so I can never understand any of the references people make, and also because it’s not all bad.  Like, I’m in season 6 of The Good Wife.  I watched Band of Brothers and Mr. Robot.  And Making a Murderer.  I’m hip, I’m with it.  Television is a quality medium that is telling real stories oh my God is Say Yes to the Dress on

No, but seriously, I’ve actually gotten pretty into a few other shows over the past few years, and if you wanna chat about terrible TV with me, here they are!

Banshee

Oh my goodness, was this show absurd.  This was a Cinemax one (so yes, nudity abounds because what else are you gonna do, Cinemax?) that lasted for 4 seasons and was campy, gory, ridiculousness.  Premise: dude has just gotten out of prison and he was in there for 15 years for robbery because he and his girlfriend, both master thieves, tried to rip off their crime boss.  He got caught on purpose, she went free, he’s gonna go find her.  She’s got a new name, kids, etc etc in the most boring-ass town in Pennsylvania, and he’s like BUT I LOVE YOU and she’s like “boy, bye.”  Conveniently, there’s a new sheriff in town (no really) but no one knows what he looks like and he gets dead in front of our dude so dude is like “I’m the sheriff now” and we go from there.

There’s Ukranian mob bosses, a Korean drag queen computer hacker, a local American-Indian-run casino, a police force of 4 people, neo-Nazis, Frankie Faison, oh God I sound like Stefon.  This club has everything.  It also has the weirdest and coolest crime lord ever in Kai Proctor, who is a former Amish who now does every bad thing you can imagine and then some ugh he’s so gross and great.

The show is hella more diverse than Game of Thrones, although it did a crappy thing and gave nearly every Native part to a non-Native actor.  It is also so much sex.  So much.  For no reason.  No plot happens.  We legit skipped every single one of the sex scenes and missed nothing.  Fight the Skinemax power.  Anyway, show is absolutely bonkers and absurd and I kinda loved it for the trashiness that it is.  Please do not get distracted by the main character’s habit of licking his lower lip all the time bwahahaha enjoy, suckerssss

Teen Wolf

You know what?  Meet me outside, I’ll bring it.  This is a genuinely great show, not even in the above “it’s campy goodness” NO, I STAND BY THIS. SHOW IS GOOD. It is creepy as heck and everyone, including the parents, is way too attractive for their own good but it is just quality television.  Also one of the werewolf dudes is now Superman on “Supergirl” and I’m kinda banking on him turning into Superwolf at some point.

Guys, seriously.  *teen girl voice* you guysssss it’s so gooooood.  Seriously just watch this show and get creeped out and enjoy all the perfect rays of sunshine that are the characters and wonder why if everyone keeps like, dying at prom, why don’t people move out of this 10,000-person town

also the soundtrack is killer JUST WATCH IT

A Collection of Those USA Shows That No One Watches

Remember how in Aziz Ansari’s standup from a couple years back when he talks about seeing ads for Burn Notice and he’s like “who the hell watches Burn Notice”

I DID, OKAY? AND IT WAS MAGICAL.  MAH-JIH-KAL.  LOVED EVERY SECOND.

Spy gets burned (which means “dropped by the organization he’s spying for” look the show even made me cooler), gets dumped in Miami, gets up to hijinks trying to earn money and figure out who burned him and even more stuff.  Michael spends the show mostly hanging with his ex-girlfriend Fiona who is 1. a former IRA spy and weapons expert 2. roughly 6 ounces soaking wet and 3. the greatest thing in the world; Bruce Campbell being Bruce Campbell; and his mom, Madeline, who is a standard older lady in Miami and is my queen.  There’s more characters as the show goes on but this is the core, and they are fabulous.

Michael really loves yogurt.  They give him a hard time all the time for living in Miami for years and not learning Spanish.  Sharon Gless, who plays Madeline, got an Emmy nomination.  At one point, Bruce Campbell’s character, who is running a stakeout, swings open the back doors to a van and announces, “we’ve got firearms and snacks.”  Watch this show, it’s a flippin’ delight.

Second in the lineup was Covert Affairs. Not quite as good as Burn Notice and definitely formulaic, but clever as heck and once again much more diverse.  The main character is a CIA agent played by Piper Perabo and the rest of the show is like Coyote Ugly just kidding OR AM I.  No, she’s great, the rest of the cast (including Peter Gallagher and his eyebrows) are great, and while I again would have liked to see an actually blind actor playing the part, her best friend is blind, and they do such a great job with it being important but not the most important thing about him and just, thumbs-up.  These shows are good, guys.  There’s diversity and excitement and so little “bazinga!” like just watch them or you could watch 2 Broke Girls I mean, the choice is yours

last but not least

Hawaii 5-0

Fight me.  I’m serious.  Hawaii 5-0 is amazing and this is a hill I will die on.  The show is exciting as heck and does a very good job of pulling together long plot arcs and the crime of the week (reminiscent, no joke, of The Good Wife) and knows when to wrap up stuff we’re almost bored with and keep stuff we’re enjoying.  The two main characters have some of the greatest banter you will ever see in a buddy cop comedy and at no point does it get into a “no-homo” territory – like, the two of them accidentally go to a marriage therapy retreat (it was supposed to be about managing work relationships) and there are zero gay jokes.  None.  They just sass each other.

Additionally, while the two main characters are white (and I’m not downplaying that, it’s kind of unfortunate despite how good they are), the rest of the team reflects Hawaii’s racial makeup, and the bit players do as well.  They film there, and they don’t shy away from the very real issues it faces, like the homeless population.

Lastly, Daniel Dae Kim is in this show, and they put him in henleys a lot, and just

guys, he was making a T.rex pancake for his niece a couple episodes ago and I’m NOT OKAY

watch this show

watch all the shows

come join me in my trashpile

 

Lawyering

Alternative responses to “is counsel here”

August 28, 2016

Judge: is counsel here

Me: I mean, kinda… tbh Your Honor I’m pretty tired

Judge: is counsel here

Me: I am where Vanished objects go

Judge: …

Me: into nonbeing, which is to say, everywhere

Judge: is counsel here

Me: Your Honor, I WANNA KNOW WHAT LAW IIIIIIS

Judge: Counsel-

Me: I WANT YOU TO SHOW MEEEEE

Judge: is counsel here

Me: who’s Count Cell, he sounds mysterious

Judge: …

Me: Is there a Countess Cell

Judge: COUNSEL

Judge: is counsel here

Me: *is a block away getting a soft pretzel*

Judge: is counsel he-

Me: HERE I GO AGAIN ON MY OOOOOWN

Judge: is counsel here

Me:

Judge: Excuse me, is counsel here

Me: apologies, Your Honor, I was daydreaming about Daniel Dae Kim

Opposing counsel: same, tbh

Clerk: same tbh

Stenographer: same tbh

Judge: okay yeah now same tbh

Judge: is counsel here

Me: so have you ever considered having a court dog; like, you know, a dog that just hangs out in the courtroom all the time

Judge: counsel

Me: you could call him Gavel

Judge: counsel

Me: or Judge Woofington

Judge: COUNSEL

Me: okay no that’s fair I could see how that would cause confusion you don’t want two judges in one courtroom

Judge: okay I’m holding you in literally all of the contempt

Judge: is counsel here

Me: I’m making an appearance but I haven’t entered my appearance, ya feel?

Judge:

Me: opposing party don’t start till I walk in, ya feel?

Judge:

Me: I’m filling in for the other attorney he’s in court a county over I’m not entered on this case

Judge: I hate you, I hate you *so* much

Judge: is counsel here

Me: were there any psychiatrists in Panem

Judge:

Me: like even after the revolution did they start training people because I feel like Peeta really could have benefited from several years of therapy

Judge: is counsel here

Me: yo so I’ve been rewatching some Game of Thrones and can I just get your opinion on trial by combat? Like are there any circumstances under which it actually might be kinda cool

Judge:

Me: it’s cool, I know you have to uphold the rule of law and stuff I promise I won’t tell anyone

Judge: is counsel here

Me: *double-fisting Costco churros* yeah, w’sup

Judge: is counsel here

Me: goddamn do I still hate TV Daario

Judge: OMG SAME

Judge: is counsel here

Me: is everyone going to go see Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them even if it sucks?

Judge:

Me: yes.  the answer there is obviously yes

Judge: is counsel here

Me: should I still say yes even if I really don’t wanna be

Judge: yes

Me: okay then yes

Judge: is counsel here

Me: can I live, or

Judge: is counsel here

Me: *bursts into tears*

 

 

 

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 10: “The Winds of Winter”

July 20, 2016

*grins with delight and digs in*

Also quick Emmys thing: Lena you perfect thing you deserved this, Maisie you’re great but idkkkk especially not this season with your silly billy ploy, Peter Dinklage???? and OMG KIT, YES.  Kit has been killing this frequently sad-sack writing role for years and he deserves it.  Sophie Turner needed one, though.

King’s Landing

Shoutout to whoever did the music for this episode, you kiiiiiiilled it.  Like 2005’s Pride and Prejudice except in a minor key with murder in our hearts.

This freakin’ first twenty minutes, tho.  My God.  I was in from the second Cersei’s outfit went Kill ‘Em With the Shoulders/Mockingjay and it just got better.  Loras’ confession was actually kind of difficult to watch, perhaps because marriage equality is celebrating one year, but dang, boo, you sold that performance.  Also I get that you have to carve the thing in his head but could we not get him like a Band-Aid after he’s confessed? That’s just unnecessary.  My heart also broke for Margaery, because she thought she was keeping her brother safe, and she wasn’t, and ahhhh 🙁 🙁 🙁

Also Willas Tyrell, somewhere in the distance: “hey there I’m the heir”

Thank you to Pycelle, who had our last Unnamed Boobs sighting of the season (we get it he’s gross why, why you gotta…*sigh*).   Could have done with about one thousand percent less of the creepy children.  Creepy children with knives.  Creepy children who Et tu, Brute’d an old man preeeeetty horrifically.  Like, you gotta make the kids do that, Dr. Frankenstein?  Seriously?  Why? There is not enough Westerosi therapy in the world for those kids, and your literal day job is making patchwork slaughterzombies, so maybe next time *you* stab him.

Then there’s Lancel, whose fraternity pledging has seen better weeks, getting extra-crispy but the green reflected nicely in his eyes

This was…wow.  I did not see it coming until it was there, and while I know people were calling bullshit on Margaery figuring it out, I actually felt it was pretty reasonable.  She has always been legitimately smart, and I’m sorry to see her character go, especially in the highest neckline we’ve ever seen her in.  This was some serious, serious shit, it was very very Cersei, and I loved it.  I loved it, I thought it was genius, I thought the tension was perfectly played, and just…damn, show.  You did good work.  Blackwater looked better but daytime is hard, CGI folks, I feel ya.

So, Tommen.  I did not expect this at all.  This little dude is like the child of Colbie Callait’s discography and a kitten and just. Umf. Idk.  I also got very nerdragey like “the fuck kinda line of succession is this” but Andrew pointed out that she’s not like “according to laws I am queen” she’s like “according to death I am queen do you wanna fight me no you don’t”  I get it, and it is an interesting twist, and yes the Maggy prophecy, and yes, Tommen was almost certainly not going to last forever, but it just seemed…off.  I’m settling in to accepting Cersei’s reaction: each of her children’s deaths seems to affect her less, and perhaps that was the goal, but I’m not sure she ever truly accepted that prediction as the truth, so I’m surprised she wasn’t more affected, especially by Tommen, who was not objectively evil.

But anyway. Lena Headey.  The dress.  The wine.  “Shame. Shame. Shame.” That bell crushing people while she’s standing there smiling like “I got 99 problems but a sept ain’t one” and like, Kevan Lannister is in there, and the High Sparrow, and Mace Tyrell, and just… damn, Daniel.  At it *again.* It is also a perfectly Cersei move in that it ends all of her immediate problems while completely fucking her for the future.

I loved it, I loved it, all the way up through Jaime’s “goddamit I leave for FIVE MINUTES and everything falls apar- honey? Honey, what happened to the…hooooly shit. okay. Ohhhhkay.”  Someone also pointed out to me that Jaime became the Kingslayer when he tried to prevent a ruling monarch from…burning down the city.  Gah. GAHHHH.

Beyond the Wall

Hi Benjen (Coldhands?)

Bye, Benjen

Well done, bringing back an actor from Season 1 (who is still pretty fly for wight guy, still would tbh) who I guess had to keep his facial hair like that for a while? Anyway, Bran is still kinda the worst, Meera is still the glue that holds literally everything together, and OH THAT’S RIGHT WE GOT THE ENDING TO THE TOWER OF JOY MY HEART.  MY HEART, GUYS.  MY HEART IS FALLING TO PIECES PICK THEM UP NED PATRICK HARRIS PROMISE ME.

I do absolutely wish they had kept this as one single cut scene (not split it between episodes) but you know what? They did the thing and it was lovely and I teared up and y’all can stay, Thrones.  That’ll do, pig.

Dorne

Cry. ing. laugh. ing. for DAYS

Olenna saying what we all wanted to say

“the fuck is this? the fuck is you?”

Also did she call her Barbaro? Like, the beloved late racehorse? I’m not opposed I just wanted to be sure

I love her so much, this plot is still a trashpile, can we still not coordinate accents for the brown people, Varys can apparently Apparate, black looks good on the Queen of Thorns, I miss Oberyn, this plot is a trashpile, where is Arianne, can we spend more time acting and writing than landscaping, this plot is a trashpile

Also I am still mad that they labeled Sunspear “Dorne”

Oldtown

*bird*

hey guys winter’s here get out ur coats n stuff

*bird out*

Samwell you precious being too good for this world, carrying the world’s worst-concealed sword and bringing an actual woman and baby into the Thunderdome, adorably talking to the librarian who is the Most Done, telling this old dude that yeah sorry everyone you thought you knew is dead here’s a note from my mom.  Jon Snow is Sam’s mom.  He is.

Sam then goes on to do his best Belle impression and in that moment I swear we were infinite I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

No one grins like Samwell/ no one wins like Samwell/ no one’s brushing aside carnal sins like Samwell

Also I legit forgot that the Citadel decides if it’s winter so I was like “birds??? for??? oh, oh RIGHT” Birds from the Ivory Weather Channel

The Twins

FREY PIE WE GOT THE FREY PIE

So kids if you haven’t read the books, this isn’t really a spoiler, just a…thing?  idk. Anyway, a northern lord (not Arya) gets understandably pissed at Walder Frey, the world’s most disgusting grandfather, and legit cuts up some of his sons and serves them to him.  We don’t see it but it is discussed and it’s basically canon like how the Tower of Joy is canon and I am apparently a bloodthirsty monster because I was like YESSSSS IT’S THE PIESSSS.  It’s very Titus Andronicus except dirtier and no Mrs. Norris.  So yeah, the pie thing.  Heh, heh.

This was a cool scene to see played out, but it seemed pretty fan-service-y for not much reason, and also why can some people travel quickly and others *ahemSam* take a whole season to go the same distance?  I would just like some consistency in my entirely made-up world OKAY.  I wasn’t a big fan of Arya’s whole plot line, especially the part where A Man Has No Qualms About Letting a Revenge Monster Go Into the World.  There’s gotta be like, a better system.  Why would she be able to beat the Waif, why do they just let her go, etc etc.  I also saw someone saying that watching Arya smile while a man bled to death from the neck was “a scary turn” for her character and I gotta disagree there.  She’s been morally questionable and violent from day one.  She has a *hit list.*  Grab ya Glocks when you see Arya Stark.

Winterfell

Hi. Davos. Crying for days.  Months.  Possibly forever.  Whoever is writing for Liam Cunningham is amazing, Liam Cunningham is perfect, and this sceeeeeene.  Davos’ friendship with Shireen was one of the few shining lights in this whole disaster saga, and the show murdered her, and Davos found out, because of course he did.

Melisandre’s line about of course she burned her, but so did her father, and so did her mother, was a really good line if you accept the premise that Stannis would burn Shireen which I don’t because I’m a Stan-nis and nope. But let’s pretend for a moment.  Davos just rushing through all of his feelings about Shireen means he’s also rushing through all his feelings about Stannis, and telling Melisandre that he was not the Prince that was Promised is some heavyyyy shitttttt.  He’s not even confronting the fact that Stannis is dead, it’s that he wasn’t even good. DAVOS.  MY HEART.  Show Davos is sassier than book Davos and a bit more light-hearted and tbh I actually really like it and so when he says “she was good, and kind, and you killed her” I’M CRYING FOREVER.  Seriously this scene made me a mess and it was very, very necessary.

Then there’s Jon and Sansa who I will gladly watch being freaking ADORABLE for the next decade my tiny precious babies with snow in their hair omgggg.  I’m still not sold on the JonBun but the SansaBraid can stay.  And to the show’s credit, I could not entirely get a good read on how they ended their relationship in this episode.  Is Sansa mad?  Is Jon unsure?  Can we just put Lyanna Mormont in charge? Is there time? (just kidding OR AM I).  The whole “The King in the North” thing was about as subtle as a Theon-instigated beheading (look it’s like ROBB remember how THAT WORKED OUT) but it still warmed my frozen heart and I definitely want to see how this plays out, especially when Jon gets up and is like “now that you’re all my servants no take-backsies THERE ARE A LOTTTT OF ICE ZOMBIES”

Littlefinger has got to go.  I don’t know why they didn’t just let Aiden Gillen talk how he talks, but he always sounds like he has a patch of wool on the roof of his mouth, and his lines are garbage.  He is a mustache-twirling, creep-talking skinny-ass douchebag in a shiny bathrobe and he’s been bugging me from day 1.  I don’t know if the writers are like “he’s the most mysterious of allllll the characters look how *interesting*” but his plot is no, his face is no, his lines is no, you need to let it Snow.  “Chaos isn’t a pit, chaos is a ladder” oh FUCK OFF this is a terrible speech, you’re terrible, Sansa isn’t taking you to the prom go AWAY.  I saw someone on the internet say something about how Sansa looking at Petyr while the room is chanting “The King in the North” is significant because she might be plotting with him now that the room chose Jon over her.  I’m not buying it.  That stare was less “let’s plot” and more “I wish I had Matila Wormwood powers and could make your death by stabbing look like an accident.”

Anyway Winter is Here and I’m excited to see what’s going on.  Really just needed some Brienne and Tormund.

Meereen

Okay let’s get the requisite stuff out of the way – WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE WESTEROS, FINALLY.  Bay of Dragons is not subtle.  We apparently had to paint every single boat and sail, which explains why it’s taken a thousand years to start the journey.  I appreciate the show’s commitment to “let’s just hand Tyrion things he marginally deserves” (get it, *Hand* him things?… I’ll show myself out), and while I’m interested to see where this goes, that pin belongs to Barristan Selmy you jerkfaces.  BARRISTAN DESERVED BETTER okay okay okay I’m back, I’m okay

then, this show did the best thing that could ever happen to me

This was the best thing that has ever happened to me on this entire stupid show.  I could not contain my glee because this was the best. goddamn. moment. ever.

Dany’s “boy, bye” speech and the ensuing conversation was like Christmas and my birthday and passing the bar all wrapped into one glorious moment.  It was cookie dough ice cream.  It was warm towels on your lap right out of the dryer.  It was raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.  I’m smiling right now as I write this.  You better call Daario with the blue hair.

First of all, we know that she’s dumping him because she’s gonna date Asha/Yara (I have named this ship the Iron Fleet and I am BOARDED) ANYWAY

Daario, if Game of Thrones characters were TV shows, you would be Two and a Half Men plus The Big Bang Theory plus some other show that we’re supposed to like but fucking sucks I don’t even know you stupid stupid generic-ass triflin’-ass not-good-enough-for-the-Warcraft-movie-ass-lookin’ Jorah 2.0 without the pretty neckscarf or “tragic” backstory you got SCHOOLED and it was the most beautiful thing of all time.  She tells you she needs you to stay in Meereen to make sure it doesn’t collapse.  Somewhere in your “if we were in America my name would be Matt and I’d be wearing khakis” brain, you must remember swearing your life to her.  She is dumping you to go be queen, and understandably so.  Your reaction is a slightly more elegant version of “SCUZE ME MISS CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND YOU A GODDESS…what you can’t say hello back? whatever bitch u ugly anyway.”  Like, seriously, “I hope you enjoy your throne”?  Mr. Daario, sir, did you think the whole Seven Kingdoms thing was her side chick that was fun to mess around with while pursuing her true goal of Netflix and chill forever with your dusty fuckboy ass?  How did you *think* this was gonna end?  If you answered “in a way that will make Christina giggle for weeks when she thinks about it” YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR.

This scene was my equivalent of Bill Pullman’s Independence Day speech. hashtag blessed

 

This season did some really good work.  There was a noticeable drop in terrible things happening to women, and they got to do some stuff that seemed actually reasonable.  I also did so much better watching this show when there’s no books to compare it to.  I’m here for next season, and I will be hoping and praying for Tormienne to take off like the precious flock of doves it is.  Brienne x Tormund forever

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 8: No One

June 17, 2016

I am such garbage I’m so sorry hey there fellow kids tryna stay relevant

So this episode was a giant Mortal Kombat episode and I’m not that mad tbh

The Hound

Sandor Clegane is an absolute trashbag of a person and I love him to the stars and I don’t know why but I DOOOO.  “You’re shit at dying” is just a wonderful line and this entire scene was out of control gory and I loved it all.  Also a protip on Game of Thrones: if they haven’t given your character a name and you’re making dirty jokes you’re dead. If they have given you a name, you’re in the title sequence forever. I don’t make the rules.

I am pretty sure they brought back Beric just as a final “YOU’RE NOT GETTING STONEHEART DEAL WITH IT.” The Lord of Light has shone upon Beric for a reason and it is to keep the fans frustrated and Michelle Fairley out of a job.  I’m glad Thoros has jumped on the manbun bandwagon (bunwagon?) and we shall see where this plot goes in…two episodes? One, maybe. Idk.  Just one more shoutout to the perfect casting that is Rory McCann.  Did not need the dick pic but RORY.

Meereen

The scene with Tyrion and Varys was terribly written and poorly shot exposition and I feel like I should be thankful there wasn’t 1. a nameless naked woman in the background 2. Daario.  (Is it even a little possible that Drogon ate him like PLEASE, SHOW, DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ME) just uuughhh this scene was awful up to and including Varys’ little “turn arooooound bright eyes” lookback for no reason uuughh show do better.

THEN, we get yet another scene of “We Gave Up Writing For These Characters and Are Waiting For Daenerys.” I would prefer Missandei telling Tyrion to fuck off in 19 languages but no we have to watch “let’s play a game that shows my life was better than yours.”

GREY. WORM. My precious bb who was done with Tyrion’s garbage from day 1.  Grey Worm brought a gun to the knife fight at Amateur Standup Night.  Grey Worm has PT at 5 AM and is Not Here For Your Shit. Grey Worm works that v-neck.  Grey Worm has to go on patrol.  Grey Worm says YOU ARE DONE TALKING NOW BECAUSE YOU MESSED UP SO BAD. Unf, I enjoyed that scene.  Dany apparently had a hairdresser in the desert (which absolutely means at least one Dothraki lady christened her Dany with the Good Hair) and bursts in just in time to cut to the next scene idk idk I’m bored here and there’s dragons so that’s not a good sign.

King’s Landing

Lancel’s frat initiation is going well but could be going better

I realized in this episode that we’re not calling him Ser Robert Strong, we’re just owning up to the zombie Mountain and letting him rip people’s heads off.  Which is cool, I guess?  I just figured we’d be more uncomfortable about this but I guess not aaaand I apparently am not going anywhere with this idk just don’t be the first guy to rush the Mountain even if your Pi Delt brothers tell you to and its the last day of Hell Week

Tommen “We Are Not Counting Hanging Chads Any Longer” Baratheon and Cersei “Well, Fuck, I Am Screwed” Lannister sharing a lovely mother-son look over a barely-restrained mob, aka the populace

Can we not get Tommen a crown that fits him or

And for tonight’s other really clumsy exposition, we have Qyburn saying “yes, the poison for Kuzco, the poison made specifically to kill Kuzco, Kuzco’s poison” oh my GOD did we miss something? Like I legit thought maybe I had missed a conversation but no they were just crafting dialogue like “hey that thing we can’t say? yeah? got the deets got the hookup” dear God please make this plotline not atrocious in the last ep

Dorne

lolol just kidding fuck ur dreams

The Riverlands

YYYYYYYYEEEESSSSSSssss. I loved this I loved all of it even though I ship Brienne and Tormund really hard now oh mannnn I loved this.

I even did not hate Bronn in this, and I usually kinda hate Bronn, which is an unpopular opinion, but Bronn feels like a guy who would show up to your engagement party in a Jets jersey even though he knows its black tie and he owns a suit, hit on three of your friends, and burp when your mom tries to make a speech about how much she loves you. However, We Were All Bronn when he said “do you think they’re fucking.” Pod’s face, and then Bronn just rolls with it, and then “everyone wants to hit you,” and PODRICK. You and Brienne are not a brain trust but you are all that is pure in this world and I love you.

Meanwhile, in the tent of cheekbone perfection, we have a Great Scene and I love them both and Gwendoline has been carrying this entire season and I LOVE HER. This scene was a tiny tiny tiny bit overdone, but I really very much enjoyed the whole “what could have been” tone for it, and this was a really well-acted scene.

Jaime’s scene with Edmure apparently was not super well-liked, but I actually loved it.  When I was reading the books, his redemption arc seemed to constantly curve towards goodness, and then he gets this chapter in A Feast for Crows and literally tells a man he will catapult his infant son over a castle’s walls because Jaime Lannister still kinda dgaf. If this is what gets him back to Cersei he will kidnap a THOUSAND children before he sees this company die! (MONSTERS INC REFERENCE CHHHHECK)

Brynden “Baby Boomer Blackfish” Tully still doing the thing that most annoys everyone (“I don’t really like my job but no one else can have it”) and I just, idk. You deserved an on-screen death, sir.  I liked you.  You took a three-season potty break and that shows dedication.

Thank you showrunners for that dramatic Stare from the Boat I appreciate it v v much

Braavos

A Plot has no point

A Plot wasted two seasons

UUUUggghhh seriously this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb. First of all, Arya got stabbed the fuck in the stomach and Lady “I Have Poor Impulse Control and No Medical Training” Crane is not gonna be enough to fix you, boo.  This relationship didn’t make sense and it still doesn’t make sense and surprise surprise T-2000 shows up ready for murdering so Arya Connor can’t fuck up the future and uuuughhh.  Apparently stomach stabs are nbd when it comes to jumping out two-story windows and hitting the superhero land, and apparently no other assassins get trained while blind, which seems like a bad call.  The Waif had more training than you, no injuries, and probably also knows how to fight blind THIS WAS DUMB. THIS WAS REALLY DUMB.

And yes, thank you Sexy Nightshirt for being kind of impressed with her beating the Waif and okay FINE I appreciated his little tiny smile because I’m shallow and easily swayed but I was not fist-pumping at “a girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell and I am going home.” Girl you fucked up your internship real bad and what exactly are you going home to and what was the GODDAMN. POINT. OF THE LAST. TWO. SEASONS. At least the Mercy chapter in the book made some flipping sense and had some level of subtlety? Like she thought about it? And maybe wants to learn more than like 2 months and focus on something for a goddamn second?  Arya’s gonna go back and find Gendry and be like “yeah I liked Assassin School but it just like, wasn’t my *passion* you know? And I want to love what I do.” And Gendry will continue to row.

ALSO,  I wasn’t scared for her for a *second*. At no point in any of the scenes have I actually been nervous that she might die.

GRRM: “I like people to be scared for my heros, and scared to turn the page to see what happens to them”

D&D: haha nah

 

NEXT WEEK we get Bae and Bae-yond Horrible in a match to the death

TEAM MAN-BUN

 

 

Uncategorized

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 4: Book of the Stranger

May 22, 2016

Maybe it’s because we’re out of the books, maybe it’s because my standards have been lowered, maybe it’s because the quality is increasing, but I am significantly less annoyed this season

But still a little annoyed obvs

The Wall

This.  This is what I got into this goddamn show for.  The small moments of hope and light in the middle of nightmares, the progression of characters, the revenge, the motivations.  Jon and Sansa reuniting was perfect, and I couldn’t care less about it not being in the books.  Sansa was clearly Jon’s least favorite sibling, and he doesn’t care even a tiny bit because he *died* and what even matters any more except a familiar face that reminds him of when life was pretty okay.  Sansa was a brat when they last talked, she knows it, she apologizes, and just. My. HEART. GUYS. And when the Pink Letter arrives and Jon tries to not read aloud the part about Ramsay raping Sansa – he almost certainly knows the horrible things that have happened to her, and he’s trying to protect her from the words.  I’M NOT OKAY.

Then, we have my new favorite thing in Brienne and Tormund.  (Brienne x Jaime is still me and please forgive me my treason here but COME ON)  I stg when they showed Tormund looking at Brienne with her armor and Oathkeeper I have never boarded a ship so fast in my goddamn LIFE.  They exchange no words and I want them to date SO MUCH.  Go out on a murder spree and then also a candlelit dinner you two giant bladecuties.  Also thank you to the showrunners for making the dinner scene reminiscent of Jaime’s attempt to cut his meat after losing his hand.  Brienne you are destined for huge men with no table manners EMBRACE IT AND GET SOME

Sidenote his Wikipedia page says the actor is going to be in Fast 8 and I am SO PSYCHED

I am sad that they confirmed (?) the death of Stannis because STAN-NIS and also oh man Davos’ face and ahhh SHIREEN yes Davos you are all of us fuck last season man let’s start fresh with a new Prince that was Promised idec

The Vale

LITTLEFINGEEEEEEEER I care so LIIIIIITTLE for YOUUUUU and your insistence on talking like an Irishman trying to do a Gru from Despicable Me imitation while also having a damp paper towel in his mouth.  Petyr’s character has been so, so terrible, his treatment of Sansa made zero sense, Royce has been underused, and this kid reminds me of that sociopath kid on that episode of SVU but even less likable.  Why. Why are we watching this.  It might have been interesting had Sansa stayed there OH BURN but seriously why can we push this plotline out the Moon Door

Meereen

YES. GOOD. I LOVED THIS.  Yes, part of it was Grey Worm’s fantastic little v-neck leather vest *fans self* but AHHH this was a good set of scenes!  Tyrion’s losing the people’s support! He’s totally screwed without Daenerys!  He’s trying to do good but kind of fucking up enormously because his privilege is blinding him to reality!  I am uncomfortable with the clear parallels being drawn between Tyrion and Abraham Lincoln (unless John Wilkes Booth shows up with a pistol and shoots Tyrion because that’s the kind of plot twist we look for here at Game of Thrones), but his saying that he was a slave and Missandei being like “bitch r u joking” was THE BEST THING. Grey Worm being like “yeah sure they’ll sound like they’re agreeing with you BUT THEY WON’T.”  The two of them are great, this plotline is getting less shitty, and if the showrunners don’t try to make Tyrion into an adorably drunk well-intentioned but simply outmanned genius (instead of the refuse pile he mostly is YEAH I SAID IT YOUR FAVES ARE PROBLEMATIC) I am sold.  Missandei’s look of disgust when Tyrion sends in prostitutes for the Good Masters = HERE FOR IT.

King’s Landing

I am…bored.  Is that bad?  I mean yes, Margaery looks better in prison than I do when I go to work, and I can appreciate that she’s been giving lessons to Cersei in how to smile at a man in a way that conveys “I know the hour and manner of your death” but uggghhh even Olenna is boring me.  Margaery and Loras was a wrenching moment but I am LindsayLohanElizabethTaylor.gif boooooored.  If you have thoughts I’d love to hear them but uuugghhh bored.

Iron Islands

EXCITE. I AM EXCITE.  They did a good job introducing Euron and yes I know Theon’s not there but the scene with Yara and ahhhhHHHHH THIS COULD BE GREAT.  She’s SO ANGRY AT HIM but she’s mostly angry at the world and her life and that her men died and at Theon but also at Ramsay and uuuggghhh the way she delivered the line about getting a piece of Theon delivered to them was SO GOOD.  Just this side of blaming him for his own torture because she is so done with the bullshit and she’s sad and angry and ahhhh.  Then he says he’ll support her and AHHHH.  HBO I’ma need you to not fuck this up *ahemit’stheSeastoneChaircanyouplz* it is VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.  My insane damp slaughterpirates are weirdly vital to my happiness and just DON’T SCREW UP OKAY

Winterfell

*LOUDER AIRHORN INSTEAD OF RAMSAY SCENE WITH A CAR ALARM SIMULTANEOUSLY GOING OFF*

Tonks u deserved better

I called it when she walked in that she was going to die because these scenes are predictable and Ramsay probably called her Nymphadora at some point so obvs she wanted to kill him and bleh

BLEH, I SAY

Vaes Dothrak

I originally wrote that as Vase Dothrak

The Carnations that Mount the World

I’m sorry

OH HAI DAARIO, IT’S BEEN SOOOOO LONG SINCE WE SAW YOU I ALMOST FORGOT TO HATE YOUR STUPID GENERIC-ASS FACE.  Every time I have to watch him I feel like I’m at a zoo and I’m there to see like giraffes and gorillas and red pandas and shit and instead they found like a Stop n Shop grocery bag and gave it its own enclosure and are like “isn’t this why you came here”

It is not

Also definitely super here for one guy telling another guy that the important lady he wants is never gonna want him back but the first guy had some athletic sex with her at some undisclosed point in time lolol WHY JESUS CHRIST WHY IS THIS IN THE SHOW I AM ACTIVELY ROOTING FOR THE GREYSCALE

Why does every khal in this place constantly look like he just got caught Googling “what to do if marble stuck in nostril”

Okay, so, I will give it to Dany, that was cool.  That was an interesting comparison to S1E10 and it was filmed well and it works because no one but her could pull it off and okay I am here for it.  It was also marginally less gross-colonial-white-savior and…baby steps, y’all.  I’d also like to give a shoutout to Emilia for her language abilities.  Her Valyrian was boss, but her Dothraki sounds effortless and correct and I’m just hella impressed, guys.

 

I am not bailing yet, let’s see what happens. Season 6 we cool so far

 

 

Uncategorized

Game of Thrones Season 6, Episode 3: Oathbreaker

May 15, 2016

I’m trash I’m so sorry but I will keep this up I promise okay LET’S DO THIS

Also shoutout to GRRM releasing another Arianne chapter and I really hope it was a subtle “could you stop messing up my Dorne plotline please” jab

Favorite twitter post from last week was “guy at bar: whats ur name / me: a girl has no name”

The Wall

I truly appreciate Melisandre’s excellent “holy shit it worked I MEAN OF COURSE IT WORKED” move for her magic, and thank you GoT for taking Kit Harington seriously when he said “there isn’t nearly enough male nudity on the show.”  I also truly appreciated his look of “oh my God I was dead if I had known there was gonna be a quiz after I came back I would have just stayed dead” and idk guys I just really like that he’s still full of emotions and grumpiness as ZombieSnow and tbh still would even with the knifewounds ILU BB.  This scene was really freaking good, everybody acted their butts off (heh) and I was sold.  A+ job here.

Tormund and your murder stare yesssss okay so guys have you been seeing the commercials Tormund is in for a travel service?  No one dies even a little and they’re bright and cheery and it’s throwing me off.  Also yes Dolorous Edd forever.

The execution felt…strange, to me.  I think it was the fact that there were only 4 men up there, when it’s implied that like a Caesar-level of assassins were involved, and the focusing on the hanged faces was gruesome and overlong, even for Game of Thrones.  It just, idk.  This is a terrible explanation but the scene felt lost, tone-wise.  I’m assuming that Jon pulled his *Samwise Gamgee voice* “BY RIGHTS I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE” move because they’re gonna have him meet up with Sansa and oh GOD my heart and eh, we’ll see.  Not sure it’s in character for him to leave?? Idk??? WE’LL SEE GUYS, STAY TUNED

Sam and Gilly

IIIIII don’t do well with vomiting so this scene was not entirely watched BUT Sam is an absolute prince even though he clearly wanted to be like “Gilly I love you very much and I am a lucky young man but ffs COULD YOU NOT, AT THE MOMENT”

I am liking the writing they did for Gilly: she is a sweetie, but is also super odd, and her lines are perfect for that.  I’m gonna be a goshdarn mess when we see the Tarlys and oh gosh guys this could be The Most for me ILU SAM

Bran

oh God oh God oh GOD

One minor thing: Isaac you perfect little goof you grew like a thousand feet in the past few years and it’s amazingly awkward when you’re next to the Three-Eyed Raven because you’re a goddamn TREE

*script for Isaac Hempstead-Wright*: bro you gotta crouch, like, a little

ANYWAY

TOWER OF JOY

OH MY GOD

This was a really, really, really good scene.  Their casting for baby Starks has been spot-on, and this was no exception.  Arthur Dayne, also spot-on.  I definitely saw some bookreader frustration that he had two swords and where was Dawn and why did he stick a sword made from a star into the dirt and I get it, I really do, but the complaints felt kinda like bookwhining of the worst caliber.  This was an absolutely amazing scene.  You are *nervous* for Ned Stark, who obviously lives through the encounter, and Dayne has this beautiful complicated look on his face the whole time, and Bran commenting “he’s better than my father” and walking towards him and “he heard me” oh my God oh my GOD.

“What’s in the tower” aaaaaand then we leave I’M NOT OKAY.  As angry as I am at having to wait for the rest of the Tower of Joy they are doing an absolutely dynamite job on these scenes and I know it’s more fun if I hate things but I CAN’T, GUYS, THIS IS GOOD

Team Ned Stark’s Same Haircut for 20 Years

Dany

No Daario and no Jorah for two weeks straight what good have I done to deserve this

Dany lookin’ at the sky like “Drogo Ex Machina literally any damn time now would be A+”

This was one of the first times that I didn’t feel grossed out by their portrayal of the Dothraki, and as much as it is clearly garbage to condemn widows to one place after their husbands die, it felt kinda good to watch an older lady be like “yeah, you know what? I had dreams too and they didn’t work out you special snowflake” because I am secretly a bitter crone inside.  The scene felt very GRRM, if that makes sense?  Like “I don’t care if people like you or you’re the hero or even if you’re doing something good, I will and can straight-up murder you”

Did not hate it but Daario finished shooting as an extra in the Warcraft movie so he’s back next episode dammit

Meereen

Varys: “I am not a torturer…would you like to hear about how I was cut”

Everyone: “OH GOD I CONFESS I DID IT I DID IT ALL STOP TALKING PLEASE”

Varys’ scene was interesting but he is grating on me and I can’t figure out why??  I do appreciate him being like “okay since everyone else around me is incompetent lemme do this my way” but he is bug. ing. me. and I need help understanding why.

Tyrion is gonna get hit and I’m not gonna be mad about it.  He’s getting back some of his sassiness, which is always fun to watch Dinklage perform (objectively “I drink and I know things” is delightful fun), but uuughhh you privileged-ass motherfucker are you really this dumb.

Tyrion: “let’s play a drinking game where I guess stuff about your life”

Missandei: “I know more languages than you can name and the only person who has ever been good to me rode off on a dragon you asshole”

Grey Worm: “literally every memory I have up until like 4 months ago was a waking nightmare I killed a puppy with my own hands”

The look they shared of “can you believe this clown?” was absolute perfection, but I’m concerned the show didn’t do it on purpose?  The show loves Tyrion, even more than fans do, and I can’t tell if they stumbled into a really tone-aware moment of “Tyrion has lived an exceptionally charmed life compared to 99% of the world” or actually did it on purpose.

Play your drinking games, Lord of Privilege: Grey Worm has to go on patrol and still be pissed about Barristan ohwaitthat’sme

King’s Landing

Hey there Qyburn you’re looking especially kindly and creepy today

and oh hey there Kevan Lannister who is like “idek guys I’m not even supposed to be alive anymore so meeting adjourned, I guess”

and hey there Ser Robert Strong slowly swinging into rooms like “lllllllladies”

and hey there Tommen you little tiny adorable thing it’s like watching a puppy bark at a bird

and hey there High Sparrow being like “I appreciate that you’re angry but have you considered listening to my very convincing argument”

“It’s not what IIIII want, it’s what the gods want” – sureJan.gif

This plot could be much, much better if they tightened it up, and I am not hating the reactions to Ser Robert Strong, and Qyburn is interesting, and Tommen could be Doing a Thing, but it’s coming across like bad Terry Goodkind fan fiction right now and bleh.  We’ll see.

Arya

This has, in all honesty, not been a great plotline to watch, and they cut out so much interesting Cat of the Canals stuff that I’m annoyed, but goddamn Maisie is kill. ing. it.  Like I’m kind of blown away at how good a job she’s done every year and ugh, I just love her.  A Girl has a lot of feelings.  Not sure this is a sustainable plotline for the whole season, but we shall see.

All my ladies listen up

If that boy ain’t givin’ up

Drink your drink

Get back your eyes

Cuz all you gotta say, is

My name is, no

My sign is, no

My number is, no

The North

*SEVEN MINUTE LONG AIRHORN SOUND INSTEAD OF RAMSAY SCENE*

Unless this dude is getting his face chewed on by Ghost I literally do not want to see him again ever for any reason.  I’m like 95% sure they’re gonna have him murder Osha and like 60% sure he’s gonna murder Rickon and uuuuuggghhh what is the POINT. WHAT IS THE POINT.  REMEMBER SHAGGYDOG.

Tune in next week for MORE EMOTIONS