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Football penalties applied to my real-life actions

February 5, 2019

(This is written in honor of Rip van Super Bowl, where a record-setting punt was the most exciting thing to happen)

I need a set of people in striped shirts to just throw yellow napkins at me any time I’m messing up my own existence

Also I am hilarious, enjoy

  • Holding (defensive)
    • I’m keeping a shirt that doesn’t fit I haven’t worn in 2 years in my closet because “I might need a shirt like this sometime”
  • Holding (offensive)
    • Transporting stuff that never got unpacked after my last move in my new move as if I’m going to unpack it this time
      • And then leaving it on a high shelf or a garage
        • I couldn’t possibly throw out that notebook how dare you insinuate that I should
  •  Illegal use of hands to the face
    • I’m digging at a pimple on my chin
  • Face mask
    • I’m using a face mask as self-care while ignoring every other physical need my body has
  • Pass interference
    • Pick up your phone while it is ringing
      • No, now, not later
        • Listen to the goddamn voicemail oh my God
  • Chop block
    • When I decide to go for a run after taking like a month off and decide to do like 3 miles at once for no reason other than “let’s see what happens”
      • I am in serious pain, that’s what happens
        • Ya doofus
  • Clipping
    • Don’t eat yet another refined carb you absolute menace
      • It is 10:37 PM you do not need a Pop-Tart
  • Roy Williams tackle
    • When instead of walking the extra like, 8 feet to the trashcan, I decide to hang on to whatever tissue or refuse I have, and just hold it in my hand like a goddamn weirdo, or leave it on the table or floor, creating more work for myself later
  • Roughing the passer
    • When I have no idea how to accept a compliment so I aggressively insinuate that the person who delivered the compliment is a lying liar
  • Roughing the kicker
    • When I refuse to accept a gift
  • Too many men on the field
    • This one is called any time I jump to conclusions about a friend’s boyfriend and immediately tell them to dump him
      • I am bad at giving relationship advice that isn’t DUMP HIM, DUMP HIM YESTERDAY
  • Offside
    • I’m disclosing my mental health history and past trauma wayyyyy too fast for the length of the acquaintance
  • False start
    • When I buy yet another journal or notebook with the intention of *~*starting fresh*~* and I never ever write in it
      • This one is a 10-yard penalty
        • 5 yards is when I read yet another article about bullet journaling like it is going to alter my behavior in some way
  • Delay of game
    • Get out of bed
      • Now
        • Stop scrolling Twitter you maniac
          • No it doesn’t matter that you’re reading the news, get up
            • 10-yard penalty
              • 15-yard penalty
                • 15 lightyear penalty STOP BEING THE WAY YOU ARE
  • Calling excess timeouts
    • When I don’t even cancel plans, I refuse to make them in the first place
  • Personal foul
    • Ooooh this one has several
      • Any time I see a group of teens laughing about something and I assume they are mocking me
      • When a baby boomer says something about working their way through college and instead of ignoring it I end up with a throbbing neck vein of stress
      • Anyone ever says anything bad about my dog ever
        • this hasn’t happened but I cannot imagine my reaction would be reasonable or appropriate
  • Unsportsmanlike conduct
    • My replying to a text message with “so sorry! just saw this!” when I definitely saw it in a notification, read it, and then put my phone away

I tried a spa and I think I am not the target audience for spas

July 30, 2018

Heyyyyy friends.  We recently returned from a very very very delayed (3 years!) and very very very good honeymoon trip to Riviera Maya in Mexico.  We stayed at an all-inclusive resort and it was the best goshdarn thing in the entire world.  The food!  The sunshine!  The pools!  The…roughly 5 total drinks I had because I am a dweeb and do not take advantage of the alcohol part of the inclusivity!  The sunscreen I applied 800 times!  The room with its balcony!  Our concierge! Having a concierge!  Learning roughly ten new Spanish words!  Finishing one of the three books I brought with me!  Waffles!  So many waffles!  There was! A breakfast buffet! I love waffles! There were so many iguanas!  I got several pictures of them!  Here are two! 

We also did two things that required us to participate in the world for more than the time it took to order a burrito to be delivered to the pool!  One was a morning that we went to the beach rather than a pool, and we brought our snorkeling stuff and rented some life vests, and we went in, and GUYS.  GUYYYYS. G G G U U U Y Y Y Y Y Y S.  WE SAW A SEA TURTLE.  It was swimming and eating stuff on the bottom and it came up for air like BLOOP and kinda looked around for a second and then dove back down and ate some more and it was like 2 feet long and it was majestic and I screamed into my snorkel and clawed at Andrew’s arm and oh my GOD, IT WAS A SEA TURTLE.  Andrew asked if I wanted to do additional snorkeling and instead of considering his wishes at all I replied “no, I saw a sea turtle, what else would I need to do.”  TURTLE.  I hadn’t gotten a magnet with a turtle on it earlier because I didn’t want to be a fraud but I then purchased a turtle magnet because TURTLE.

“hey, Christina, isn’t your bachelor’s degree in biology and you know more things about turtles than ‘they eat stuff and bloop'”


What is your point


And for the day where we actually left the property, we did an excursion to adventures and ruins.  We did a bunch of zip-lines, and I loved it, but since it was my first zip-lining experience I was Not Pleased when I got spun around because I was sure I was gonna crash into a tree George-of-the-Jungle style.  We also did rappelling and because I am tough as nails I got a blister on my first finger on my right hand and only complained about it like a dozen times.  We also snorkeled in a cenote (freshwater underground cave) and it was amazing and I did not bonk my head on a stalactite.  The ruins part was Tulum, which is the most I’ve ever sweat in my life, and I’m still so glad we went: it was stunning to see.

And, actually, wait: it was not the most I’ve sweat in my entire life.  That honor is taken by my first spa experience several days later.

Our concierge, the biggest baller in the world, gave us a ton of nice things for free because it was our honeymoon and first time at the resort and probably to get us to come back but heck yes, we will take them.  One of them was a pass to use the hydrotherapy at the spa.  Hydrotherapy is apparently exactly what it sounds like: a whole bunch of jets at different stations that shoot water at your muscles and make them feel good.

This was very generous and awesome especially since we did not need to pay (it would’ve been like $70 for us both) but I am perhaps not a being made for a spa.

Everything went pretty well at the beginning: we went in, we wrote our medical stuff down, they gave us each a locker (I assume, I wasn’t with Andrew, maybe they just throw the guys’ stuff on a pile and are like “you ain’t pretty this what you get”), they gave us robes, and then they walked us through the spa like a goddamn Minotaur to the hydrotherapy place. (That was a maze joke I’m sorry I’ll shut up.)

At this point I’m feeling pretty good!  I’m a little freaked out because things are so nice and I am a frizzy mess and I’m not wearing my glasses, so I’m anxious, but everyone is very nice, and the people in the hydrotherapy pool look super relaxed!  We walked over a pool with a bunch of rocks at the bottom, which is apparently for reflexology which makes sense as my reflexes were certainly stimulated and they were saying “girl apparently the North Shore of Long Island is one big reflexology pool” but it did feel good. There’s a set of “rustic showers,” which I think is Mexican Spanish for “don’t actually get naked here you spa-going monsters oh my God this is why we can’t have nice things,” and they told us to use them to get less gross.  I was good up until this point.

We were then brought over to the sauna.

Now, I realize this is a controversial opinion, but fuck a sauna.  Oh, my God, you are willingly dessicating your organs and sweating out rivers and this is supposed to feel good???  Andrew loves them, so I went in with him, and while he was enjoying his cleansing and muscle relaxing or whatever horseshit he feels happens in that dehydrated murderbox (love you babe but I don’t understand), I was lying down with my knees up trying not to have a panic attack.  Y’know, how one does a spa day.  I calmed down enough to not be hyperventilating the set of Mad Max: Fury Road, and then the attendant came in with a cool scented washcloth and told us to put it over our eyes and this was the point I was absolutely convinced I would die.  You want me to step into a tiny wood desert, set a timer, allow me to sweat oceans, get said sweat into my eyeballs so I’m thisclose to whimpering, and then you bring me a smothercloth and expect me to relax? Absolutely not, this washcloth means you are seasoning my body Salt-Bae-style and some animals will enjoy it later as jerky.

And just to give you perspective, they set the sauna timer at 5 minutes. I am just the chillest human whom you never have to reassure her death is not imminent during a relaxation procedure.

They let us out, I probably looked like a potential lawsuit, and into the rustic showers we went, and I could have stayed there and let the rain fall down and wake my dreams and that would have been my hydrotherapy. I assumed we were then gonna go into a pool because I had participated in spa hazing and was now a member of Kappa Alpha Why.

But no.  Not at all.  I had not adequately proven myself to the fraternity of Making Shit Up And Saying It’s Relaxing, because we were then directed to a steam room.  I had thought that the dry heat of the convection oven I’d just spent 5 minutes in was the worst feeling in the world, but I was wrong: the steam room is a large crab boil but for humans and they make it smell nice and they wanted me to be in there breathing air piped in directly from Old fucking Faithful for an additional five minutes.  I have to imagine that during this time the attendants would close the door, walk around the corner, and burst out laughing about the shit they make gringo ladies do while simultaneously collecting bets from billionaires on how long the anxious woman is gonna last in “Escape the Room: Central Florida.”

I walked in with Andrew, took one breath, and said “nope!” out loud.  I attempted two more breaths, Andrew encouraged me to leave, and I left and took another “rustic shower” and contemplated just staying there forever and hoping they’d assume I ran away.

The attendants found me (and Andrew! he only lasted a few minutes) wrapped in a towel and looking ashamed.

They then directed us to two small round pools, and stated that the second one was very warm, and that the first one was very cold, and something about varying your body’s temperature is good for it, and holy angels and saints in heaven absolutely fucking not.  I say this, but I did it, because I cannot stand up for myself when fancy things are happening.  I got into the My Heart Will Go On pool, shrieked a little because it was FIFTY DEGREES, got out, got into the warm one, and contemplated drowning myself in embarrassment.

We then actually did hydrotherapy, which was actually delightful: there were a ton of jets that hit your shoulders and neck and head and that felt really good and you just stand there and let things hit you and no one tells you to get into a tiny Death Valley and I liked it a lot.  I wanted to stay there forever.

We did both eventually get out (after Andrew went into the icebath two more times because I married a person who is not looking out for his own well-being) and the attendants came to retrieve us, and this part was my final personal humiliation.

I couldn’t find my locker, to start: the spa is like the goddamn third Triwizard task and I was scared I was gonna have to fight a beautifully-arranged pile of towels.  Once I got to my locker, I couldn’t find the bathrooms, and I sucked it up and asked, and bless you to the attendant who did not laugh at me and my terror-face.  And because I didn’t trust myself to find my own hydrotherapy-ed ass at this point, I also asked for the location of the showers.

I got my towels ready, I brought my change of clothes in, and I clicked on the light only to discover that this shower had only three walls and the last one was a glass pane through which you view a rock garden with a few willowy plants.

No, no one could see you.  Yes, they had structured them so you couldn’t actually get stuck in the rock garden.  No, you didn’t have to use that section of the shower.  But I am full-on over-on-the-Mayflower, layers-are-bae, so-I-put-on-a-sweater-and-a-pair-of-corduroy-pants-level insecure, and having this goddamn Rear Window situation happening during my shower, my by myself time, my I got into your Easy Bake Oven now let me panic in peace, goddammit setup, and I was NOT HAPPY.

Yes, for normal, non-mentally-ill people this is relaxing!  It was quiet, and pretty, and it smelled nice! But when you have someone like me who would gladly install 18 more locks on her bathroom door and is generally one appearance-based comment away from a meltdown, this was not great, Bob.  But I did it!  I took my shaky Chihuahua shower, and I used the comb that the spa puts in the shower, and I got some nice-smelling lotion on my legs, and I opened my bag and realized I had left the skirt I was going to wear in our hotel room and y’all, perhaps I am not meant to spa.  Don’t try to give me anything nicer than a sheet mask – I am not the target audience and I will mess it up.  You heart is in the right place, but my panic is front and center.

I got back to our room (wearing my swimsuit coverup) and opened a glass bottle of Coca-Cola and actually?  I take that back.  If you wanna give me something nice, give me a very secure room with four thick and opaque walls and a six-pack of glass bottles of Coke.  I will be so flippin’ relaxed.


Meathead Mondays: Channing Tatum

March 19, 2018

CHANNING. Chan. Chan-chan. C-Tates. Whatever you call him, he is a delightful bit of abdominal muscles and jamz, and I will genuinely defend his talent and goodness to the stars.

He is sometimes (very frustratingly) compared to ***intellectual*** stars as this doofus with a dopey face, and there are women out there who are like “ugh, no, I couldn’t date Channing, his neck is so thick, give me someone like [current popular actor from the United Kingdom].”  And this is absolutely not meant to denigrate any of those British actors, but… really?  His neck is too thick?  That’s what’s stopping you?  You’re ignoring his dance moves, his ability to laugh at himself, his comedy chops, his kindness, his dedication to his daughter, and his 400 abdominal muscles, because his neck is too thick.  You def had a chance, anyway.  I’m Not Here For pretending like my guy is dumb because he hasn’t played an aging literature professor who’s found himself attracted to one of his female students.  He is sunshine and you will back off.


Continue Reading…


A definitive ranking of non-religious Christmas songs

December 25, 2017

I don’t make the rules I just report ’em

These aren’t even my opinions they’re just the truth being told on a blog get on board or get left behind

Of course I forgot some let me know what you think and have a wonderful holiday kids

  • Sleigh Ride – 9/10
    • Loses a point for the lyrics, which are just kinda weird, let’s be honest
      • They are a bit too jaunty and they rhyme “snow” with “snow” and that’s just laziness
        • The horses are pulling their hearts out; make an effort
    • HOWEVER the instrumental version is faaaaaantastic
    • The slapstick alone could get this song up to like, 7/10, because I would give seven points to just the slapstick
      • slapstick
        • slap
          • stick
    • There’s also the wonderful trumpet horse neigh at the end, and the jazzy section, which has that weird trombone part that sounds like the high school cheer, and excellent dynamic changes
    • Like, guys, I play horn, and my part is literally offbeats except for 8 measures at the beginning, and this song is still a BOP
  • The Christmas Song – 7/10
    • Solid, sentimental, does what it says on the box
    • Loses a point for sometimes getting warbly and repeating the final verse but generally good, and I’ve never even had a chestnut, much less one that has been roasted over an open fire, and I get nostalgic
      • My favorite kind of nostalgia is the kind I get to experience without dealing with the original experience
        • I’m not kidding
          • No, I’m fine, really
    • Second point lost is for offering the phrase only to kids from 1 to 92, because I lived with my grandmother for many years and she made it almost to 105, and so I felt like a traitor to my grandma because I wanted her to have a Merry Christmas, too
      • Kids Shall Be Wished a Merry Christmas Regardless of Age
  • I’ll Be Home For Christmas – 5/10
    • …eh
    • You’re fine, I guess, but this song never gets stuck in my head because it’s simply not that memorable
    • You’re trying to make me have feelings that I don’t have
      • I’ll Be Dead Inside For Christmas
  • Last Christmas – 1/10
    • No
    • “I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away” STOP
      • “This year” NNNNOPE
    • I realize how divisive this opinion is but I really, really quite dislike this song, and this is a bad opinion because of George Michael, and I realize I’m a bad person, but you cannot make me like this song I REFUSE
  • Frosty the Snowman – 6/10
    • This is a jaunty as heck but deeply weird song
      • Why is he alive
      • Why do we devote a line to his traffic activities
      • Why did he leave and where is he going
      • Why is the sound he makes “thumpity-thump”
  • Silver Bells – 7/10
    • Simple, bops, peaceful at the same time
    • Earns a point for being really easy to write parodies of
      • By “parodies” I mean “dumb dog songs”
        • “Bailey Pup” is my current preferred one
          • Bailey pup, Bailey Pup / it is too cold out for doggies / Bailey pup, Bailey pup / Soon we must go back inside
            • EVERYBODY
              • Puppy doggy, what a good dog, you will sniff everything / in the air there’s a dog nose that’s sniffing / chomp the stick, crack, hear your toes tap / you are such a great dog / and on every street corner you pee
      • I’m not sorry
  • All I Want for Christmas Is You – 10/10
    • Were you going to give this a different rating?
      • What’s it like being wrong at a bone-deep level?
        • Mariah the Unbothered, Breaker of Frowns, Queen of the Women and the Woke Men, The First and Probably Only of Her Name Let’s Be Real
  • Baby, It’s Cold Outside – 4/10
    • I just don’t really like this song
    • If you were looking for great analysis here, I don’t have it
    • I’m just… eh
    • In the same way I’ve eaten a mediocre piece of toast – that was three minutes, I’m a little different than before, I don’t need to repeat it
  • Run, Rudolph, Run – 8/10
    • “oh YEAH, *THIS* song!” you say, realizing my rating is correct because this is Chuck Berry being festive Chuck Berry and this song is a banger
    • Do you know the lyrics? No
    • Does it matter? No
  • Winter Wonderland – 6/10
    • I like this one, but it ends up sounding like a drinking song, if that makes sense?
  • You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch – 9/10
    • Like, are you *kidding* me
      • Amazing tune (I’m jealous as heck if you’re a trombone player), and the lyrics are off the charts phenomenal
        • Like
          • Your soul is an appalling dump heap
            Overflowing with the most disgraceful
            Assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable
            Mangled up in tangled up knots
    • I need a woman in my life to tell me that she has replied to unwanted male attention with “between the two of you I’d take the seasick crocodile” and the entire bar was like “BRO YOU JUST GOT OWNED SO BAD” and the guy went home to reevaluate his entire life and the matriarchy grew by two sizes that day
  • Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer – 1/10
    • No
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – 1/10
    • No, Part 2
  • Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town sung by Bruce Springsteen – 8/10
    • Keep Bruce in Christmas
    • If you’re from Jersey and celebrate Christmas this song is like getting cheer and rock injected directly into your veins
      • There are residents of Bergen County who would use “seeing Bruce sing SICTT live in concert in ’75” as their memory to conjure a Patronus
        • “If you listen really closely in the second minute you can hear me cheering, it’s me, just listen”
  • Santa Baby – 5/10
    • I am … SO torn on this song
    • On one hand, it is a really simplistic and cloying melody and rhythm and singers tend to sing this deliberately off-key and why are we sexualizing Santa Claus and it is so impractical and probably immoral to own a platinum mine
    • On the other hand… get it girl run that man for everything he’ll give you pay your bills get a house wear diamonds CLEAN HIM *OUT*
  • Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – 9/10
    • I’m crying???? But I’m happy?????
      • Why does this song make me feel things even when I want to not feel things???
        • And good things and bad things at the same time???
          • I’m 29 I wasn’t even there for olden days???? WHY DOES MY HEART HURT
      • me, quietly, sobbing: and… hhaaaAAve yourself *sniff*… a *wobbly lip* mmmmmerry little Christmas…. *whimper* nnnnnNNNNOOOOOW

Meathead Mondays: Jason Momoa

December 18, 2017

As a very serious aside (no, actually, I shouldn’t call it an aside, this is more important than an aside), Jason Momoa said a really awful thing at a panel for Game of Thrones back in 2011, and it came to light in the past few months when Justice League was getting promoted.  He was on a panel for season 1, and mentioned that the show was great, because, among other reasons, he gets to “rape beautiful women.”  It’s a garbage thing to say, and his fellow panel members were visibly uncomfortable, and there’s no justifying it.

I am willing to look past this comment, partially because he has been a good dude otherwise, but in large part because his apology was a genuine, non-hedging, and responsibility-taking apology.  He offers no excuse, he does not try to explain himself, and he begs forgiveness while saying he doesn’t deserve it. All the above still being true, I am writing this post because I think he has been better than that comment shows.  It’s an enormously unacceptable thing to say and there’s no fixing it, but it was one black spot in an otherwise unproblematic career of public appearances, and he knows it was stupid, and *shrug* I’m gonna forgive him.  On to the rest.

I saw him as Aquaman in Justice League, and despite being criminally underused, he was an enormous smiley tattooed piece of driftwood and this post is for you, my guy.  I think you are good and had a moment of stupid and I still want to hug you and let you braid my hair.  I feel like you know how to braid hair.

Continue Reading…


The Fate of the Furious: an emotions-filled review

April 24, 2017

I. Loved. This. Movie.  I loved it SO MUCH.  I loved it so hard that there is a non-zero chance that my husband’s left hand has soft tissue injuries because I gripped it so hard for the last 25 minutes of the movie.  (I expressed this to him and his response was “last 25 minutes?  You were doing that for the whole movie.”) This was just all-around a delight and I cannot stop thinking about it, and because I can’t stop thinking about it I’m going to try to write out my feelings.  Spoilers ahead, so this post is likely best for those who have seen F8 or haven’t but never plan to – if you still need to see it and care, don’t read!!!

The (very small, but exists) bad

Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson still fighting

Ugh, why, boys?  Why?  Please be cueball meathead bros forever and stop being mad at each other.  Apparently Vin was not respectful of people’s time (making cast and crew wait), but he also made some style choices that cut some of Dwayne’s scenes, and on one hand, I get Dwayne because that *is* rude, but on the other hand I get Vin because this is his and Paul’s series, and just… please get along.  My heart hurts.  Go play Dungeons and Dragons together.


*whimpering* I get it, but oooooof.  This one hurt.  Charlize Theron’s baddie had to be genuinely bad for us to take her seriously as having some hold over Dom, but ow ow ow ow no why owwww.  I was also not psyched about how it looked (kill her so there’s no mom issues! Letty wins!) and I’m not entirely sold on an unplanned pregnancy as being in character for either of them.  I guess this part was bad both because I didn’t adore some of the particulars of this plot twist, and in a larger part because WHAT THE HELL, TORMUND.  HOW DARE YOU.  THAT IS ELSA PATAKY.

Not enough Tormund

Like that is a general life criticism, “not enough Tormund,” but Kristofer was h*ckin underused in this.  Yes, there was a scene where he tosses his beautiful red mane back a bit so he can better look into the scope of a sniper rifle, and I didn’t know I needed that scene, but oh boy did I, and it was delightful, but I needed more of that.

Scott Eastwood

He was… fine, I guess?  I enjoyed watching Roman sass the heck out of him (and “Little Nobody” was a good one), but in an ensemble cast with the largest personalities in the whole world, having a sharp jawline and a Clint Squint ain’t gonna cut it.  No, he did not reach Daario-levels of generic, but I didn’t totally understand why he was there.  Like, Charlize Theron’s hair was more of a character.  And if they are introducing him to be another Paul Walker I have one question

how dare u

there is more to Brian than prettiness u monsters

I’m 0% kidding they had better flippin NOT

The Good

Charlize Theron’s hair

Just kidding what white-girl-dreads nonsense was that

The race at the beginning

Aw man, yes, good!  This was classic engine-revving NO2-blasting gratuitous-butt-viewing Fast and the Furious and I appreciated it so much.  I v much like that they placed the race in Cuba, and that the cars in the race were like, yep, this is how a lot of the cars in Cuba were and are.  Putting Letty on the motorcycle to help referee, Dom winning but saying that earning the loser’s respect was more important in his “I’ve lived solely off of gravel for 2 decades” voice, lighting the stupid old car on fire because of the CUBAN NO2, SURE, I AIN’T EVEN MAD.  This was bright and fast and FUN and felt like a quick trip back to California and I like Michelle Rodriguez’s makeup and just, YES.  Boat engine, hell yes.

The nuclear-football-stealing scene

YOOOOOO.  This was a really flippin’ cool idea.  It may and up looking dated as heck in a couple years (you know when you see a character using a flip phone in an intense scene in movies between 1997 and 2007? and you laugh?  because what u gonna do with ur liddul dumbphone, character?  you gonna flip it open, like a doofus? I’m being mean, aren’t I okay yeah I’ll stop) but for 2017 this was bananas relevant as a legitimate fear.  All those cars diving out of the parking garage????  Like are you kidding me we have a villain who can make it rain Kias because you can hack into a CAR, WHAT.  This looked great, was exciting, and felt believable (within the framework of a ridiculous premise of course).  And sure, Dom’s car has 5,000 horsepower and his tires don’t light on fire, sure.  I ain’t mad.

Sneaky references

Yes, please, Statham, call Dwayne “Hercules.”  He played “Hercules.”  I hope that in this movie universe the actual Hobbs played “Hercules.”  And Dwayne asking Tyrese “why are you always yelling?!” HE IS ALWAYS YELLING.  The submarine scene, “we’re gonna need a bigger truck” THIS STUPID LINE WORKED SO WELL.  And Dom saying “okay Buster, let’s see if this works” BRIAN TAUGHT YOU THAT, HE IS BUSTER, I’M A WRECK.  YOU BEAUTIFULLY SELF-AWARE MOVIE.

They also through a Friday reference in there (“hey, Ms. Parker”) but someone had to point that out to me so that counts less idk I love this stupid stupid movie

The Haka

I didn’t know I needed Dwayne Johnson and a girls’ soccer team performing the Haka to another girls’ soccer team but hoo boy I did, I did SO MUCH

The 10 Most Wanted joke

Oh my WORD, yes.  Placing the whole team on the 10 Most Wanted, except for Roman, because it has to be Roman, and then “Number 11 my ass” like cannot BREATHE, LAUGHING TOO HARD

The prison fight scene

Like, yes, I could go through the whole movie and just address every scene and why I liked it, but this one in particular deserves a shoutout.  There was a ridiculous amount of fight choreography in this scene, and it looked very very good.  There’s also a very well done contrast in fighting styles between Johnson and Statham, and the balance of their filming showed this off to great effect: Johnson just being a moving brick wall of destruction and seriousness, and Statham jumping and spinning his way through an environment that he’s treating like a playground, smile and all.  Not kidding, this was a well-shot, well-balanced fight scene and I love my two muscley meathead prison babies.

The Gooder Than Good; The Amazing

Submarine fight

This scene was absurd and phenomenal and everything I could want ever in a movie ever.  Dwayne Johnson strongarming a torpedo.  Roman knocking out a bunch of snowmobiles.  Dom taking his car on a dive over the sub to blow it up. The Lambo on the ice.  Letty getting to drive, forreals, because sometimes they don’t like to show her, but girl can drive and she diddddd.  The family coming together at the end to make a car barricade to protect precious Dom CAN YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING SINGING THE SONG OF FURIOUS MEN




This was a good Letty movie, y’all.  I know Letty can get problematic (her early movies had a decent amount of “other girls are bitches” in them and I know, I know it sucks) but she was great and Michelle Rodriguez was great.  This movie asked a lot of her character, to stay loyal to Dom while trying to stop him, and knowing that he wouldn’t do this without a good reason, and that he loves her and wouldn’t shoot her, and that she’s like “cool, you have a kid! look at this cutie! family!”  And this didn’t come across like “Cool Girl”-type garbage (she’s not doing this because she’s a Cool Girl who doesn’t mind getting shit on), this came across as a really deep level of trust, and a reciprocal act for Dom’s work on bringing her back in previous films.  They don’t give up on each other, and y’all, this love TOUCHES MY HEART.  DOM & LETTY 4EVA

Helen Mirren

If you get one f-word in a movie, and Helen Mirren is in the movie, you give it to Helen Effing Mirren.  She clearly had a great time doing this, including her accent (which I would describe as Jason Statham IS Eliza Doolittle) and scolding her sons.  She is the sword in the darkness and I love her.  She apparently said in an interview that she wanted to be in one of these movies and now she has and just <3 <3 <3

Jason Statham fighting while protecting a baby

This was the best thing about this movie and tbh the best thing about my life right now (my spouse would agree with probably all parts of this: we love each other but we also love Jason Statham and his back muscles; we really do).  He puts Alvin and the Chipmunks on little headphones and tells the baby it’s going to get kind of loud I AM DECEASED.  STATHAM.  He is legitimately an amazing stunt actor and I feel like he was psyched to shoot this scene and I’m pretty sure I died a second time when he looks at the little smiling kid and winks and then goes off and murders people.  “You were gonna shoot a *baby*?”  YOU PERFECT HUMAN, YOU PERFECT SCENE, I LOVE EVERYTHING FOREVER.



A definitive ranking of religious Christmas songs

December 25, 2016

Okay, so, yes, I am biased because I am big into Jesus, and because I did choir stuff for a while, and because I’m a human living in the world, but just because I’m biased doesn’t mean I’m not correct.  That’s just how it is.

Also, there are of course Christmas songs that are not religious.  Some are great (“All I Want For Christmas Is You,” instrumental “Sleigh Ride,” John McClane’s screaming in Die Hard) and some are terrible (“(Simply Having) A Wonderful Christmastime,” “Last Christmas,” Cameron Diaz’s voice in “The Holiday”), but they aren’t here.  Again, just how it is. Ilu guyz I’m just lazy it’s cool


  • God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen – 7/10
    • Very solid entry, makes you feel like you’re not singing a religious song because this is what like, a really proper pirate would use as a drinking song while sipping a cordial
    • Nice and zippy, no slowing down for any reason
    • Uses “comfort and joy” which is all we can hope for sometimes
    • Has that bonkers version with Sarah McLachlan and Barenaked Ladies which is whaaaaaat??? but also absolutely delightful??? that version gets 8/10 I like it good work
  • Away in a Manger – 3/10
    • Warbly soprano nonsense
    • Sorry not sorry this song is not good
    • Starts off on such a high note that’s also supposed to be quiet? Why?
      • Yes I sing alto how on earth did you know
    • “The little Lord Jesus” is such a weird line, like not baby or infant, just small, a 6-inch but fully grown Jesus, no crying he makes
    • This turns into a dirge so easily
    • Needs to go
  • Go Tell it on the Mountain – 6/10
    • This song sung by white people: 2/10
    • It’s pretty good but when you start getting “I clap on 1 and 3”-type white people involved this song turns to mush SO FAST
  • Angels We Have Heard on High – 7/10
    • It’s prettyyyyyyy I’m okay with it
      • The alto part is not bad
    • The Gloria is gorgeous if you’re ready for it and tbh absolutely hi-LAR-rious if you’re not
      • Like being in church and just hearing the congregation scattershot fade out, gasping, only to burst in IN EXCELSIS DEEEEEEOOOOO while looking slightly discolored in the face from lack of oxygen
        • I’m not nice
    • Also earned points for however you got taught how to pronounce that
      • Mine was “egg-shell cease”
  • Little Drummer Boy – 1/10
    • This is garbage come at me
    • Religious but non-biblical
      • Like somebody wrote fanfiction for the Bible and we were all like “sounds legit” and sing it to celebrate the birth of our Savior rum pa pum pum
      • Not canon
    • “The ox and lamb kept time”
      • Nope
      • No they did not
    • The best tweet I saw about this song said “hey, there’s a tired mother and a newborn, you know what they need? A drum solo.”
    • It’s repetitive and annoying and treacly trash and even Josh Groban and good harmony cannot save it ba rum pa pum
  • O Come, O Come Emmanuel – 8/10
    • Like this song is almost creepy with its minor key goodness, but you’re still so happy when you’re singing it??? How? What magic???
    • It *can* get dirge-like but you have to work to make it do so
    • There’s really not like, a set of measures?  Just hit these downbeats?  And we all do fine with it???  Song, you punk rock and I love it
  • Mary Did You Know? – 2/10
    • And this is what happens when you get a minor key and the song is bad, it just stays bad
    • She knew, homie
      • Read your Bible
      • Go sit in the shame corner with the drummer boy rum pa pum pum
    • Don’t mansplain the birth of Jesus to Mary
    • Also ugh, this song is just *bad,* like if you’re gonna be obnoxious to the Virgin Mother at least write a song that isn’t made of tears and stupid intervals
  • Hark! The Herald Angels Sing – 10/10
    • I know you’re surprised I was too but I LOVE THIS SONG IT IS MY FAVE
    • “Peace on earth, and mercy mild/ God and sinners reconciled” hits me right in the Jesus parts of my heart, I can’t help it
    • Also is Mendelssohn whom I adore because am sap
    • The melody itself to this song is stunning, it starts off calm and then just builds, and when you hit the three C’s in a row and you think you can’t do more YOU CAN WE STILL GOIN’ FAM, IT’S LIT
    • This one also does not just go for one solid verse and then bail, leaving you holding the bag – every verse is good stuff
  • Joy to the World – 8/10
    • This is good stuff yo, just good stuff
    • loses a point for that weird third verse that is like “deathdeathdeath cursecursecurse” it’s so, so odd, and I pray for every church that forgets it exists and powers on through and then is like *slow motion* OOOOHHHH NNNNNOOO but it’s TOO LATE
      • “we will be singing verses 1, 2, and 4” learn it live it it saves lives
    • Alto part is cool beans and can stay, same with the men’s part
    • Just does what it says on the box, well done
  • Do You Hear What I Hear? – 5/10
    • Not my fave, but not objectionable, if that makes sense
    • It can get a little too military march-y, like baby Jesus is not leading us into an invasion, do less
    • When you get a nice lady voice singing this song with little trills, the sap part of my heart wakes up and is like “THAT’S THE STUFF I LIKE, START CRYING” and it’s a good cry but then I get mad because I’m so vulnerable
  • O Holy Night – 10/10
    • This song is straight-up Christina bait and if it were not for my overwhelming Hark! love this song would be first
    • “But it’s a show-offy song!” Yes, yes it is, now please find someone to show off
    • The high note?  Like, that note is made of the combined hopes of the world glued together with tears and Patronus-memories and NONE OF US ARE SAFE
      • If you haven’t go listen to Mariah’s version of it with her dog whistle voice and backing gospel choir NOW
    • Also, the English lyrics are from an abolitionist
      • “Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother/ and in His name all oppression shall cease” YES GOOD THIS IS MY JAM
  • It Came Upon a Midnight Clear – 4/10
    • meeeeehhhhh
    • Nothing super objectionable, it’s just not that good?
      • This is official facts sorry Midnight Clear fans you just gotta deal
    • Sometimes pretty difficult to sing or play, since the intervals jump around a lot, but the payoff simply isn’t there
      • like you work super hard for a lullaby, no baby is gonna be like “yessss I HEARD you with them accidentals WERK”
    • Also very frequently warbly soprano nonsense
  • Lo, How A Rose E’er Blooming – 9/10
    • Good *clap* stuff *clap*
    • You want harmonies?  This song has all of them, borderline more than you could want
    • Props to this song for being a Christmas song that actually cares about dynamics a little
      • Like, yes, I live a ff life for all of Christmas so no shame, but I appreciate what you did here, Germans
    • I don’t hear it in church much so if I do hear it or I deliberately listen to it it’s like finding a Pikachu in Pokemon Go
      • Y’all still play that, right
        • That’s a no, isn’t it
          • Dang it
  • O Come All Ye Faithful –  7/10
    • Another solid entry
    • Loses a point for the alto line just being one note like 27 times
      • If you need us so bad, why you treat us so bad, huh?
    •  Also does a good job with mixing up the verses – 2 and 3 are solid, though it does fall apart a bit at “Liiiiight ooooof Liiiiiight”
    • Nice triumphant ending that let’s you wrap it up or start a new verse easily
    • Lets me pretend that I know Latin, which I don’t
  • What Child is This? – 7/10
    • Can v v v easily drop to like, 3/10 if the pace isn’t zippy
      • Like make this brisk or the birth of your Savior is secondary to getting the heck out of whatever room you’re in
    • It’s Greensleeves, yo, you can’t hate too hard
    • If you get good harmonies on this, it’s a party
      • like a classy one, a book club with a cheese plate, but still a party
  • Silent Night – 8/10
    • As opposed to Silento Night
      • Watch me whip, watch me bay-bay
        • I’m so sorry
    • Alto line here is A++++ and makes you think they care
    • Loses a point for trying to be quiet on those high notes and you kinda can’t and everyone is just squeaking and laughing
    • Forreals, tho, this song is lovely and actually pretty peaceful and hits the feelings good

Lemme know if I missed any of your faves OR missed the mark real bad

A Merry Christmas to all of you – may peace be with you in 2017.


Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 4: Book of the Stranger

May 22, 2016

Maybe it’s because we’re out of the books, maybe it’s because my standards have been lowered, maybe it’s because the quality is increasing, but I am significantly less annoyed this season

But still a little annoyed obvs

The Wall

This.  This is what I got into this goddamn show for.  The small moments of hope and light in the middle of nightmares, the progression of characters, the revenge, the motivations.  Jon and Sansa reuniting was perfect, and I couldn’t care less about it not being in the books.  Sansa was clearly Jon’s least favorite sibling, and he doesn’t care even a tiny bit because he *died* and what even matters any more except a familiar face that reminds him of when life was pretty okay.  Sansa was a brat when they last talked, she knows it, she apologizes, and just. My. HEART. GUYS. And when the Pink Letter arrives and Jon tries to not read aloud the part about Ramsay raping Sansa – he almost certainly knows the horrible things that have happened to her, and he’s trying to protect her from the words.  I’M NOT OKAY.

Then, we have my new favorite thing in Brienne and Tormund.  (Brienne x Jaime is still me and please forgive me my treason here but COME ON)  I stg when they showed Tormund looking at Brienne with her armor and Oathkeeper I have never boarded a ship so fast in my goddamn LIFE.  They exchange no words and I want them to date SO MUCH.  Go out on a murder spree and then also a candlelit dinner you two giant bladecuties.  Also thank you to the showrunners for making the dinner scene reminiscent of Jaime’s attempt to cut his meat after losing his hand.  Brienne you are destined for huge men with no table manners EMBRACE IT AND GET SOME

Sidenote his Wikipedia page says the actor is going to be in Fast 8 and I am SO PSYCHED

I am sad that they confirmed (?) the death of Stannis because STAN-NIS and also oh man Davos’ face and ahhh SHIREEN yes Davos you are all of us fuck last season man let’s start fresh with a new Prince that was Promised idec

The Vale

LITTLEFINGEEEEEEEER I care so LIIIIIITTLE for YOUUUUU and your insistence on talking like an Irishman trying to do a Gru from Despicable Me imitation while also having a damp paper towel in his mouth.  Petyr’s character has been so, so terrible, his treatment of Sansa made zero sense, Royce has been underused, and this kid reminds me of that sociopath kid on that episode of SVU but even less likable.  Why. Why are we watching this.  It might have been interesting had Sansa stayed there OH BURN but seriously why can we push this plotline out the Moon Door


YES. GOOD. I LOVED THIS.  Yes, part of it was Grey Worm’s fantastic little v-neck leather vest *fans self* but AHHH this was a good set of scenes!  Tyrion’s losing the people’s support! He’s totally screwed without Daenerys!  He’s trying to do good but kind of fucking up enormously because his privilege is blinding him to reality!  I am uncomfortable with the clear parallels being drawn between Tyrion and Abraham Lincoln (unless John Wilkes Booth shows up with a pistol and shoots Tyrion because that’s the kind of plot twist we look for here at Game of Thrones), but his saying that he was a slave and Missandei being like “bitch r u joking” was THE BEST THING. Grey Worm being like “yeah sure they’ll sound like they’re agreeing with you BUT THEY WON’T.”  The two of them are great, this plotline is getting less shitty, and if the showrunners don’t try to make Tyrion into an adorably drunk well-intentioned but simply outmanned genius (instead of the refuse pile he mostly is YEAH I SAID IT YOUR FAVES ARE PROBLEMATIC) I am sold.  Missandei’s look of disgust when Tyrion sends in prostitutes for the Good Masters = HERE FOR IT.

King’s Landing

I am…bored.  Is that bad?  I mean yes, Margaery looks better in prison than I do when I go to work, and I can appreciate that she’s been giving lessons to Cersei in how to smile at a man in a way that conveys “I know the hour and manner of your death” but uggghhh even Olenna is boring me.  Margaery and Loras was a wrenching moment but I am LindsayLohanElizabethTaylor.gif boooooored.  If you have thoughts I’d love to hear them but uuugghhh bored.

Iron Islands

EXCITE. I AM EXCITE.  They did a good job introducing Euron and yes I know Theon’s not there but the scene with Yara and ahhhhHHHHH THIS COULD BE GREAT.  She’s SO ANGRY AT HIM but she’s mostly angry at the world and her life and that her men died and at Theon but also at Ramsay and uuuggghhh the way she delivered the line about getting a piece of Theon delivered to them was SO GOOD.  Just this side of blaming him for his own torture because she is so done with the bullshit and she’s sad and angry and ahhhh.  Then he says he’ll support her and AHHHH.  HBO I’ma need you to not fuck this up *ahemit’stheSeastoneChaircanyouplz* it is VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.  My insane damp slaughterpirates are weirdly vital to my happiness and just DON’T SCREW UP OKAY



Tonks u deserved better

I called it when she walked in that she was going to die because these scenes are predictable and Ramsay probably called her Nymphadora at some point so obvs she wanted to kill him and bleh


Vaes Dothrak

I originally wrote that as Vase Dothrak

The Carnations that Mount the World

I’m sorry

OH HAI DAARIO, IT’S BEEN SOOOOO LONG SINCE WE SAW YOU I ALMOST FORGOT TO HATE YOUR STUPID GENERIC-ASS FACE.  Every time I have to watch him I feel like I’m at a zoo and I’m there to see like giraffes and gorillas and red pandas and shit and instead they found like a Stop n Shop grocery bag and gave it its own enclosure and are like “isn’t this why you came here”

It is not

Also definitely super here for one guy telling another guy that the important lady he wants is never gonna want him back but the first guy had some athletic sex with her at some undisclosed point in time lolol WHY JESUS CHRIST WHY IS THIS IN THE SHOW I AM ACTIVELY ROOTING FOR THE GREYSCALE

Why does every khal in this place constantly look like he just got caught Googling “what to do if marble stuck in nostril”

Okay, so, I will give it to Dany, that was cool.  That was an interesting comparison to S1E10 and it was filmed well and it works because no one but her could pull it off and okay I am here for it.  It was also marginally less gross-colonial-white-savior and…baby steps, y’all.  I’d also like to give a shoutout to Emilia for her language abilities.  Her Valyrian was boss, but her Dothraki sounds effortless and correct and I’m just hella impressed, guys.


I am not bailing yet, let’s see what happens. Season 6 we cool so far




Game of Thrones Season 6, Episode 3: Oathbreaker

May 15, 2016

I’m trash I’m so sorry but I will keep this up I promise okay LET’S DO THIS

Also shoutout to GRRM releasing another Arianne chapter and I really hope it was a subtle “could you stop messing up my Dorne plotline please” jab

Favorite twitter post from last week was “guy at bar: whats ur name / me: a girl has no name”

The Wall

I truly appreciate Melisandre’s excellent “holy shit it worked I MEAN OF COURSE IT WORKED” move for her magic, and thank you GoT for taking Kit Harington seriously when he said “there isn’t nearly enough male nudity on the show.”  I also truly appreciated his look of “oh my God I was dead if I had known there was gonna be a quiz after I came back I would have just stayed dead” and idk guys I just really like that he’s still full of emotions and grumpiness as ZombieSnow and tbh still would even with the knifewounds ILU BB.  This scene was really freaking good, everybody acted their butts off (heh) and I was sold.  A+ job here.

Tormund and your murder stare yesssss okay so guys have you been seeing the commercials Tormund is in for a travel service?  No one dies even a little and they’re bright and cheery and it’s throwing me off.  Also yes Dolorous Edd forever.

The execution felt…strange, to me.  I think it was the fact that there were only 4 men up there, when it’s implied that like a Caesar-level of assassins were involved, and the focusing on the hanged faces was gruesome and overlong, even for Game of Thrones.  It just, idk.  This is a terrible explanation but the scene felt lost, tone-wise.  I’m assuming that Jon pulled his *Samwise Gamgee voice* “BY RIGHTS I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE” move because they’re gonna have him meet up with Sansa and oh GOD my heart and eh, we’ll see.  Not sure it’s in character for him to leave?? Idk??? WE’LL SEE GUYS, STAY TUNED

Sam and Gilly

IIIIII don’t do well with vomiting so this scene was not entirely watched BUT Sam is an absolute prince even though he clearly wanted to be like “Gilly I love you very much and I am a lucky young man but ffs COULD YOU NOT, AT THE MOMENT”

I am liking the writing they did for Gilly: she is a sweetie, but is also super odd, and her lines are perfect for that.  I’m gonna be a goshdarn mess when we see the Tarlys and oh gosh guys this could be The Most for me ILU SAM


oh God oh God oh GOD

One minor thing: Isaac you perfect little goof you grew like a thousand feet in the past few years and it’s amazingly awkward when you’re next to the Three-Eyed Raven because you’re a goddamn TREE

*script for Isaac Hempstead-Wright*: bro you gotta crouch, like, a little




This was a really, really, really good scene.  Their casting for baby Starks has been spot-on, and this was no exception.  Arthur Dayne, also spot-on.  I definitely saw some bookreader frustration that he had two swords and where was Dawn and why did he stick a sword made from a star into the dirt and I get it, I really do, but the complaints felt kinda like bookwhining of the worst caliber.  This was an absolutely amazing scene.  You are *nervous* for Ned Stark, who obviously lives through the encounter, and Dayne has this beautiful complicated look on his face the whole time, and Bran commenting “he’s better than my father” and walking towards him and “he heard me” oh my God oh my GOD.

“What’s in the tower” aaaaaand then we leave I’M NOT OKAY.  As angry as I am at having to wait for the rest of the Tower of Joy they are doing an absolutely dynamite job on these scenes and I know it’s more fun if I hate things but I CAN’T, GUYS, THIS IS GOOD

Team Ned Stark’s Same Haircut for 20 Years


No Daario and no Jorah for two weeks straight what good have I done to deserve this

Dany lookin’ at the sky like “Drogo Ex Machina literally any damn time now would be A+”

This was one of the first times that I didn’t feel grossed out by their portrayal of the Dothraki, and as much as it is clearly garbage to condemn widows to one place after their husbands die, it felt kinda good to watch an older lady be like “yeah, you know what? I had dreams too and they didn’t work out you special snowflake” because I am secretly a bitter crone inside.  The scene felt very GRRM, if that makes sense?  Like “I don’t care if people like you or you’re the hero or even if you’re doing something good, I will and can straight-up murder you”

Did not hate it but Daario finished shooting as an extra in the Warcraft movie so he’s back next episode dammit


Varys: “I am not a torturer…would you like to hear about how I was cut”


Varys’ scene was interesting but he is grating on me and I can’t figure out why??  I do appreciate him being like “okay since everyone else around me is incompetent lemme do this my way” but he is bug. ing. me. and I need help understanding why.

Tyrion is gonna get hit and I’m not gonna be mad about it.  He’s getting back some of his sassiness, which is always fun to watch Dinklage perform (objectively “I drink and I know things” is delightful fun), but uuughhh you privileged-ass motherfucker are you really this dumb.

Tyrion: “let’s play a drinking game where I guess stuff about your life”

Missandei: “I know more languages than you can name and the only person who has ever been good to me rode off on a dragon you asshole”

Grey Worm: “literally every memory I have up until like 4 months ago was a waking nightmare I killed a puppy with my own hands”

The look they shared of “can you believe this clown?” was absolute perfection, but I’m concerned the show didn’t do it on purpose?  The show loves Tyrion, even more than fans do, and I can’t tell if they stumbled into a really tone-aware moment of “Tyrion has lived an exceptionally charmed life compared to 99% of the world” or actually did it on purpose.

Play your drinking games, Lord of Privilege: Grey Worm has to go on patrol and still be pissed about Barristan ohwaitthat’sme

King’s Landing

Hey there Qyburn you’re looking especially kindly and creepy today

and oh hey there Kevan Lannister who is like “idek guys I’m not even supposed to be alive anymore so meeting adjourned, I guess”

and hey there Ser Robert Strong slowly swinging into rooms like “lllllllladies”

and hey there Tommen you little tiny adorable thing it’s like watching a puppy bark at a bird

and hey there High Sparrow being like “I appreciate that you’re angry but have you considered listening to my very convincing argument”

“It’s not what IIIII want, it’s what the gods want” – sureJan.gif

This plot could be much, much better if they tightened it up, and I am not hating the reactions to Ser Robert Strong, and Qyburn is interesting, and Tommen could be Doing a Thing, but it’s coming across like bad Terry Goodkind fan fiction right now and bleh.  We’ll see.


This has, in all honesty, not been a great plotline to watch, and they cut out so much interesting Cat of the Canals stuff that I’m annoyed, but goddamn Maisie is kill. ing. it.  Like I’m kind of blown away at how good a job she’s done every year and ugh, I just love her.  A Girl has a lot of feelings.  Not sure this is a sustainable plotline for the whole season, but we shall see.

All my ladies listen up

If that boy ain’t givin’ up

Drink your drink

Get back your eyes

Cuz all you gotta say, is

My name is, no

My sign is, no

My number is, no

The North


Unless this dude is getting his face chewed on by Ghost I literally do not want to see him again ever for any reason.  I’m like 95% sure they’re gonna have him murder Osha and like 60% sure he’s gonna murder Rickon and uuuuuggghhh what is the POINT. WHAT IS THE POINT.  REMEMBER SHAGGYDOG.

Tune in next week for MORE EMOTIONS


Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Uncategorized

The Red High School Musical

January 22, 2016

This was a wedding celebration, but she had never felt more weary.  She was satisfied with the peace she had brokered between the basketball team and the theater kids, but the merriment of the hall was lost on her.  Catelyn had been seated between Troy Bolton and Ser Wendel Manderly, the latter of whom still busied himself with a leg of lamb.

At least Robb* looks happy, looks his age a bit, she thought.  Her basketball king bounced in time to the quick beat of the drums.  She looked to the dancers and saw Edwyn Frey wrench his arm from Dacey Mormont’s grip.  “I’m done with dancing for the nonce,” said Edwyn, too loudly, “and you shouldn’t have done the jazz square.” He shoved Dacey aside and stalked toward the doors to the hall.

Dacey stared after him with a puzzled expression, and Catelyn heard her mutter, “everyone loves a good jazz square.”  Doubt gripped Catelyn’s heart where an instant before had been only weariness.  She grabbed Troy by the arm to turn him and went cold all over when she felt the leotard beneath his silken jersey.

The drums slowed their beat, echoing more loudly across the walls as if the stones themselves were playing.  No one sang the words, but Catelyn knew “Stick to the Status Quo” when she heard it.  In a coat of gold or a coat of red, a Wildcat still has claws.   And while your head might be in the game, my lord, your heart is in the song.

Robb bounced after Edwyn Frey, and Catelyn called out after him.  He turned, and a quarrel sprouted from beneath a black rib.  Another sprouted from the L in the Spalding logo, and Robb fell to the ground.  She watched her son’s orange, dimpled skin begin to deflate.

“Mother…what team?” hissed Robb as the air left him.

wildcats,” replied Catelyn.

The doors burst open in a cloud of sequins and spotlight, and Catelyn saw Ser Ryman Frey bury a set piece in Dacey’s stomach.  Ser Wendel’s mouth had dropped open at the bright display, and two Frey men-at-arms took advantage of his inaction and began applying his stage makeup.

Above it all, Ms. Darbus watched her chapel of the arts.

Heh,” she said, “seems we auditioned some of your men.  But they’ll get their heads in the game, that’ll mend them again.”

Catelyn grabbed a handful of Sharpay’s long hair and dragged her out of her hiding place.  “On my honor as a Tully,” “on my honor as a member of East High Class of 2008, I will trade your lady’s life for Robb’s.  A theater kid for a basketball.  Robb, run the give and go. GO!”

Ms. Darbus smiled.  “A player for a player, heh.  But that’s an understudy, and she’s going to get incredibly fucking annoying in the sequel.”

Troy Bolton, in dark armor and a bright red jersey stepped up to Robb.  “The Outside ‘J’ sends his regards.”  He thrust a Playbill through the center of the basketball, and twisted.

Catelyn stood motionless as the new cast of the ‘Twinkle Town Musicale’ grabbed her arms and legs, and forced her feet into character shoes.  It tickled, and she laughed until she screamed.  “Mad, she’s lost her wits, yikes” she heard, and felt someone grab her hair. No, don’t, don’t cut my hair, the state basketball championships are televised.   Then the microphone was at her throat, and they were all in this together.


*played here by an actual basketball**

**no, I don’t know what is wrong with me either