I am such garbage I’m so sorry hey there fellow kids tryna stay relevant
So this episode was a giant Mortal Kombat episode and I’m not that mad tbh
Sandor Clegane is an absolute trashbag of a person and I love him to the stars and I don’t know why but I DOOOO. “You’re shit at dying” is just a wonderful line and this entire scene was out of control gory and I loved it all. Also a protip on Game of Thrones: if they haven’t given your character a name and you’re making dirty jokes you’re dead. If they have given you a name, you’re in the title sequence forever. I don’t make the rules.
I am pretty sure they brought back Beric just as a final “YOU’RE NOT GETTING STONEHEART DEAL WITH IT.” The Lord of Light has shone upon Beric for a reason and it is to keep the fans frustrated and Michelle Fairley out of a job. I’m glad Thoros has jumped on the manbun bandwagon (bunwagon?) and we shall see where this plot goes in…two episodes? One, maybe. Idk. Just one more shoutout to the perfect casting that is Rory McCann. Did not need the dick pic but RORY.
The scene with Tyrion and Varys was terribly written and poorly shot exposition and I feel like I should be thankful there wasn’t 1. a nameless naked woman in the background 2. Daario. (Is it even a little possible that Drogon ate him like PLEASE, SHOW, DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ME) just uuughhh this scene was awful up to and including Varys’ little “turn arooooound bright eyes” lookback for no reason uuughh show do better.
THEN, we get yet another scene of “We Gave Up Writing For These Characters and Are Waiting For Daenerys.” I would prefer Missandei telling Tyrion to fuck off in 19 languages but no we have to watch “let’s play a game that shows my life was better than yours.”
GREY. WORM. My precious bb who was done with Tyrion’s garbage from day 1. Grey Worm brought a gun to the knife fight at Amateur Standup Night. Grey Worm has PT at 5 AM and is Not Here For Your Shit. Grey Worm works that v-neck. Grey Worm has to go on patrol. Grey Worm says YOU ARE DONE TALKING NOW BECAUSE YOU MESSED UP SO BAD. Unf, I enjoyed that scene. Dany apparently had a hairdresser in the desert (which absolutely means at least one Dothraki lady christened her Dany with the Good Hair) and bursts in just in time to cut to the next scene idk idk I’m bored here and there’s dragons so that’s not a good sign.
Lancel’s frat initiation is going well but could be going better
I realized in this episode that we’re not calling him Ser Robert Strong, we’re just owning up to the zombie Mountain and letting him rip people’s heads off. Which is cool, I guess? I just figured we’d be more uncomfortable about this but I guess not aaaand I apparently am not going anywhere with this idk just don’t be the first guy to rush the Mountain even if your Pi Delt brothers tell you to and its the last day of Hell Week
Tommen “We Are Not Counting Hanging Chads Any Longer” Baratheon and Cersei “Well, Fuck, I Am Screwed” Lannister sharing a lovely mother-son look over a barely-restrained mob, aka the populace
Can we not get Tommen a crown that fits him or
And for tonight’s other really clumsy exposition, we have Qyburn saying “yes, the poison for Kuzco, the poison made specifically to kill Kuzco, Kuzco’s poison” oh my GOD did we miss something? Like I legit thought maybe I had missed a conversation but no they were just crafting dialogue like “hey that thing we can’t say? yeah? got the deets got the hookup” dear God please make this plotline not atrocious in the last ep
lolol just kidding fuck ur dreams
YYYYYYYYEEEESSSSSSssss. I loved this I loved all of it even though I ship Brienne and Tormund really hard now oh mannnn I loved this.
I even did not hate Bronn in this, and I usually kinda hate Bronn, which is an unpopular opinion, but Bronn feels like a guy who would show up to your engagement party in a Jets jersey even though he knows its black tie and he owns a suit, hit on three of your friends, and burp when your mom tries to make a speech about how much she loves you. However, We Were All Bronn when he said “do you think they’re fucking.” Pod’s face, and then Bronn just rolls with it, and then “everyone wants to hit you,” and PODRICK. You and Brienne are not a brain trust but you are all that is pure in this world and I love you.
Meanwhile, in the tent of cheekbone perfection, we have a Great Scene and I love them both and Gwendoline has been carrying this entire season and I LOVE HER. This scene was a tiny tiny tiny bit overdone, but I really very much enjoyed the whole “what could have been” tone for it, and this was a really well-acted scene.
Jaime’s scene with Edmure apparently was not super well-liked, but I actually loved it. When I was reading the books, his redemption arc seemed to constantly curve towards goodness, and then he gets this chapter in A Feast for Crows and literally tells a man he will catapult his infant son over a castle’s walls because Jaime Lannister still kinda dgaf. If this is what gets him back to Cersei he will kidnap a THOUSAND children before he sees this company die! (MONSTERS INC REFERENCE CHHHHECK)
Brynden “Baby Boomer Blackfish” Tully still doing the thing that most annoys everyone (“I don’t really like my job but no one else can have it”) and I just, idk. You deserved an on-screen death, sir. I liked you. You took a three-season potty break and that shows dedication.
Thank you showrunners for that dramatic Stare from the Boat I appreciate it v v much
A Plot has no point
A Plot wasted two seasons
UUUUggghhh seriously this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb. First of all, Arya got stabbed the fuck in the stomach and Lady “I Have Poor Impulse Control and No Medical Training” Crane is not gonna be enough to fix you, boo. This relationship didn’t make sense and it still doesn’t make sense and surprise surprise T-2000 shows up ready for murdering so Arya Connor can’t fuck up the future and uuuughhh. Apparently stomach stabs are nbd when it comes to jumping out two-story windows and hitting the superhero land, and apparently no other assassins get trained while blind, which seems like a bad call. The Waif had more training than you, no injuries, and probably also knows how to fight blind THIS WAS DUMB. THIS WAS REALLY DUMB.
And yes, thank you Sexy Nightshirt for being kind of impressed with her beating the Waif and okay FINE I appreciated his little tiny smile because I’m shallow and easily swayed but I was not fist-pumping at “a girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell and I am going home.” Girl you fucked up your internship real bad and what exactly are you going home to and what was the GODDAMN. POINT. OF THE LAST. TWO. SEASONS. At least the Mercy chapter in the book made some flipping sense and had some level of subtlety? Like she thought about it? And maybe wants to learn more than like 2 months and focus on something for a goddamn second? Arya’s gonna go back and find Gendry and be like “yeah I liked Assassin School but it just like, wasn’t my *passion* you know? And I want to love what I do.” And Gendry will continue to row.
ALSO, I wasn’t scared for her for a *second*. At no point in any of the scenes have I actually been nervous that she might die.
GRRM: “I like people to be scared for my heros, and scared to turn the page to see what happens to them”
D&D: haha nah
NEXT WEEK we get Bae and Bae-yond Horrible in a match to the death