So I got into a minor car accident two days before Christmas, and since my car is off getting its bumper and taillights and some other car parts I don’t know fixed, I have a rental. It is a 2017 Kia Soul, so I currently got Soul but I’m not a soldier. I’m not sorry.
Anyway, the car comes with satellite radio, and I love it and I also should not be trusted with it, because my first instinct was to change every preset to the hair bands station. After getting over this impulse, I found allllll the stations, including Pop2k, which is the hits from the first decade of the millennium and contains every feeling I’ve ever had. Gosh, that station is great, and I discovered I still know Missy’s verse in “1, 2 Step” despite not ever shaking it like jello or making the boys say hello. Gosh darn that’s a great song. The stations are good times and they are pretty baller with their themes (including Hair Nation… I like Def Leppard more than I should STOP JUDGING ME), but I can definitely think of some they missed.
- Tina Overdrive
- This station plays only Tina Turner and Bachman Turner Overdrive songs
- Dashboard Teardrops
- This is all songs by which to cry to while you cling to the steering wheel
- Coldplay’s “Fix You” is On The 8s
- Also included are Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” and Jessie’s song from Toy Story 2
- This is all songs by which to cry to while you cling to the steering wheel
- The Chainsmokers’ “Closer”
- Literally just this song all the time
- Just kidding that’s called “being alive in the world rn”
- Fun fact: I cannot sing the lyrics to this song correctly and regularly say them as “bite that roommate on your shoulder”
- Shrek Soundtracks
- Only songs that have been included in the Shrek universe soundtracks
- This includes the “Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party”
- Don’t act like you didn’t watch that bonus scene at the end of the original movie
- DULOC IS A PERFECT PLAAAAACE
- Don’t act like you didn’t watch that bonus scene at the end of the original movie
- Wait, What, Seriously?
- Songs you didn’t know were about sex
- If you’re me, and therefore you’re stupid, this can include “Anyway You Want It”
- No, seriously, I’m that dumb
- Thought it was just about, y’know, livin’ life
- If you’re me, and therefore you’re stupid, this can include “Anyway You Want It”
- Songs you didn’t know were about sex
- Not-Great Bands Named After Places
- Boston
- Kansas
- Europe
- Chicago
- I would play this station a lot I like these bands
- My music taste an be described as “if it’s not very good I probably like it”
- I would play this station a lot I like these bands
- Jock Jams Radio
- Literally selections from Jock Jams
- Why are you shaking your head at me
- Meme Radio
- Songs that have been in memes
- “Never Gonna Give You Up”
- The History of Dance songs
- “Wonderwall”
- “Call Me Maybe”
- “Harder Better Faster Stronger”
- “Hotline Bling”
- “Wrecking Ball”
- Why am I so knowledgeable about the internet
- This isn’t fun anymore
- Why am I so knowledgeable about the internet
- Songs that have been in memes
- Now They’re the Right Words
- Songs that you misheard lyrics but now those lyrics are the actual lyrics
- “Benny and the Jets” is different for literally every person
- Britney Spears’ “Work B*tch”
- That’s it
- That’s the whole station
- “What about *other* Britney son-”
- Nope
- Only one
- You want a hot body
- Only one
- Nope
- “What about *other* Britney son-”
- That’s the whole station
- That’s it
- Bands You and Your Dad Both Like
- Just a nice safe radio station playing whatever works for you both
- For me it’d be a metric ton of Crosby, Stills and Nash and the Who and some Journey songs
- Just a nice safe radio station playing whatever works for you both
- Steering Wheel Drummer
- What it says on the box: songs that are good for drumming on your steering wheel
- “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins plays every hour on the hour
- Journey’s “Faithfully” is every hour on the HALF hour
- blink-182’s “Rock Show,” Rush’s “Tom Sawyer,” Toto’s “Hold the Line,” Led Zeppelin’s… everything, that I will continue to fail at, forever
- Journey’s “Faithfully” is every hour on the HALF hour
- “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins plays every hour on the hour
- What it says on the box: songs that are good for drumming on your steering wheel
- She Got The Range
- Songs that have notes that you can hit
- Oh hey, Josh Groban
- Oh bye, Sara Bareilles
- I wish I was joking my voice is so deep, y’all
- Oh bye, Sara Bareilles
- Oh hey, Josh Groban
- Songs that have notes that you can hit
- Disney Villains
- All the songs from the bad guys in the movies
- I really would like to be able to crank up “Be Prepared” any time I need
- Also “Gaston”
- I really would like to be able to crank up “Be Prepared” any time I need
- All the songs from the bad guys in the movies
- “The Rains of Castamere”
- In case something dramatic happens in your car and you gotta have a soundtrack
- Hair Nation
- Hair bands, mostly of the 80s
- …this is the hair bands station, it exists
- Holy God do I love Def Leppard and Poison and the Scorpions and WHY AM I LIKE THIS
- …this is the hair bands station, it exists
- Hair bands, mostly of the 80s
A coat of gold, a coat of red/ A rocker still has locks
And mine are long and luxurious, my Lord/ what is wrong with me
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