Y’all this has been a rough week for me, so this recap is weaker than Daario’s innate appeal
I may be in dire straights but I still got jokes don’t you worry
I hella did not like this ep so this’ll just be me, whining briefly, and I’ll be back next week with something decent I promise, I PROMISE
Here there be Dragons
uuughhh this was just, bad
The one tiny good moment was allowing Tyrion to walk through the charred battlefield – that was a hell of a shot, and Dinklage, my dude, when you do a good moment you DO a GOOD MOMENT and this was a nice shot.
Bronn and his adamantium skeleton and Aqua-Man lung capacity dragging Jaime a mile underwater in full armor what the fucking fuck is that
Like I have rewatched Fast Five, in which the gang drags a safe through Brazil, and even I was like “okay this is kinda unrealistic”
First of all, we recast Dickon with Hopper who 1. wears 80 layers in all of his scenes despite being grade-A top sirloin made of pectorals and 2. gets killed off in 5 episodes so what was the *point*, y’all. Yes, I realize this is more about the previous actor being unavailable than anything else but what was the point in giving him or Randyll any dialogue. And since when is Randyll like, a Westeros birther? Daenerys Stormborn, Breaker of Chains, Holder of the Long-form Birth Certificate. Idk idk this was a characterization mess.
Dany and Tyrion are not much better. Dany all like “other monarchs may murder but I only murder if you don’t worship at my feet so I’m suuuuper different” and please let someone else on Twitter step to me about “well yeah they’re drawing parallels with Aerys” OH ARE THEY DO TELL. Just, try to be more subtle, if we’re going to decide to be all “ooooohhh is Dany gooooood or eeeevvilllll”.
For the record, I do not think Dany is good. She has the potential to be a not-terrible ruler, but she is not good, per se.
King’s Landing
Gendry – the good kind of fan service
No, seriously, I’m totally fine with him being back. He was fun to watch, him and Arya help ruin my life in a good way (“you wouldn’t be my family; you’d be my lady” NO ONE TOUCH ME I’M NOT OKAY), and I actually buy his interactions with Davos and the father/son relationship. Davos lost a son (in the books, his 4 oldest) at Blackwater, and to find someone kind of the same age as his oldest and try to save him, especially from Melisandre, just, unf. I’ll take it, show. Ya done good.
Also very very enjoyed watching him bribe the Lannister soldiers, and watching Hammertime take ’em out. This is what we missed out on for Davos – watching him be an excellent smuggler, and someone who this entire world genuinely could use. He can feed starving people, he approaches things in a unique way, and his instinct for problems isn’t “I will hit it, and if it doesn’t go away I will hit it harder, and if it still doesn’t go away I will get a sharper sword.” I high-key adore Davos, Liam Cunningham is perfect, and just, good job, show.
*whispering* where are Euron’s ships? oh are they in a holding pattern in the Shivering Sea of Sit Here Until We Need a Plot Device? fuck this showwww
This is a throwback to the end of book 3, but again, I really wish that they had kept Jaime’s fuck-you to Tyrion at the end of season 4. The tension would be huge and actually appropriate! We’re riding right now on Jaime’s being angry about Tywin, and although Nikolaj is acting the hellllll out of it (seriously, dude, props, you’re doing amazing sweetie), I’m not sold that Jaime would be this upset about Tywin’s death for this long. This meeting was stupid, I don’t like it, grumblegrumble.
I’ve seen a lot of people ask if Cersei is faking her pregnancy. I don’t think she is, but I also cannot be arsed to care about it. It is boring. I am bored. Also why does everyone keep using Bronn to do things if he sells you out to literally everyone else? Like, Lannister family, sit down for a second: there are other sellswords. There are other…anything. This family makes me feel like I’m having an intervention with a set of siblings that only likes Burger King fries and I have to bring them to Wendy’s and McDonald’s and Chick-fil-A and Five Guys. The options are obvious, they are numerous, and they’re still all mediocre because THIS IS A STUPID PLOT DEVICE. I need Jerome Flynn to get worse at being fun immediately because I’m sick of getting mad about fries.
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T MATTER
Dragonstone
(one quick thing – YASSS good good job with Jon petting Drogon this was a good moment this was good acting for Kit yes good job show this was a shining star in a dark and crappy sky of an episode)
Jorahhhhh the Fedoooooraaaaaa makes his triumphant return (*tips helmet* m’khaleesi) to his long-lost love oh my GOD WHY IS HE NOT DEAD. STOP, SHOW. This series is big on “hey even people we’re interested in totes die” and curing Jorah is veering into Terry Goodkind “you are unique, Richard Cypher” territory. He doesn’t even *matter*, just let him be *dead*, no one *cares*.
A friend also pointed out that they’re totally using him to stir things up with Jon and Dany and I did not sign up for a love triangle, no sirree. If I wanted to watch Twilight I’d fucking watch Twilight. I don’t want to watch medieval Forks, Washington where Jon and Jorah are both Edward and it’s somehow more boring. Jorah sold people into slaveryyyyy he sucksssss. Also a reminder for those playing at home – our trilby-topped shithead sold people into slavery to try to cover the debts he incurred keeping his wife happy. He makes awful decisions, and makes even worse ones when he’s in love, and he’s just the worsttttt. Let’s let him turn into a statue and then tear down the statue.
I really hope that they all got in that boat and made it up to the Wall that fast because Gendry got so good at rowing that he can go like 80 knots over the water
How long
does it take
to get places
you stupid, stupid show
“oh we’ve condensed things for fewer episodes” this isn’t motherfucking A Wrinkle in Time, do the work or look stupid and I guess you’ve chosen ‘look stupid’
Oldtown
I really can’t totally talk about this without spoilers(???) so it’s at the bottom. I don’t even know if they count. Sorry, guys.
Winterfell
This was 95% awful but credit to the show for bringing back Sansa’s letter from season 1, I do at least like when the show remembers that shit happened before it picked its faves and ran with it
I super don’t like the Arya/Sansa tension, not because there wouldn’t be tension, but this seems like a pointless set of tension. Arya trying to push Sansa into taking control by being like “u liek Krabby Patties don’t u Squidward” is weird and makes no sense, other than a shit-stirring move.
Arya attended the Milford School with Buster Bluth, apparently, and instead of writing or working on characterization we just decided to tell Maisie and Aidan to look around corners for 6 minutes and just film that.
Yes, I *get* that the whole point of this is to show that Arya is not as smart as she thinks she is, I *know* this. I knew this years ago. I do not need to be beaten over the head with it, and I absolutely don’t need to have Littlefinger deliver this information to me, either. Extra even more so because the show has decided that he’s not even that smart, just creepy, and I stg if the goal here is to set up a fight between Sansa and Arya because Baelish somehow got his hands on a letter Sansa wrote at the age of 12 trying to save her father from being executed and Arya can’t recognize that I will *scream.* I WILL SCREEEEEAM. I saw people saying like “oh no Arya will get mad at Littlefinger, tho!” why would that happen, in this plot. Please can Brienne just kill Petyr and we can all go home PLEASE
To Catch a Predator
This is the worst and most idiotic fanfiction I have ever seen in my fandom life, and it is now greenlit as the adaptation. We’re literally gonna send out the goddamn Breakfast Club to grab an ice zombie to bring it to Cersei like a cat with a mouse and maybe she’ll help with this stuff are you KIDDING. ARE YOU *KIDDING.* This entire thing is “so Hardhome was the least hated episode of Season 5 and we should do it again” and I am just….why. Why do I watch this stupid show with stupid Jon “The Others Whisperer” Snow running out to trap one of these fuckers so a lady who hates you and would gladly see you all dead will help you. Davos, buddy, you’re smart, why are you doing this. And Beric? I get the idea of doing dumb things for ***aesthetic*** (I own high heels) but if you are running into Interior Greenland, But Worse on the stupidest fucking errand ever to exist just so you can light your sword on fire I stg, Beric, I STG
AND THOROS U SHOULD KNOW BETTER, U N UR TOPKNOT
I need Sandor to drop an absolutely devastating “why are we doing this” line next week, and I’m still gonna hate this plot, and obviously we’re setting this up for someone to die, and I just…I don’t care. Watch Jorah like, re-catch greyscale from a wight and die that way.
I AM GRUMPYYYYYYYYY NERDRAGE OUT
Ollllddddtown spoilerrssssss maybe idk idk below
So I absolutely adore John Bradley, he is my favorite cast member and this was actually a particularly strong scene for him in a show that gives him not much range but when they let him he kills it (“open the *fucking* gate” was a heck of a moment) and this was another great example but it was so out of character and he trampled over a potentially series-changing plot point and what. why. why did this happen.
We seriously got writers out here like “this maester annulled Elia and Rhaegar’s marriage and wrote it in his diary” and now Jon’s legitimate and what. whatttttt. This was a hell of a twist but a delivery failure. It doesn’t matter if you make the most bomb-ass cake for that fancy wedding; if you drop it taking it out of the truck, the couple gonna be pissed. Sam doesn’t usually talk over Gilly, he listens to her, and for him to be this frustrated at a group of old dudes who don’t ever do anything is weird, and why were we even here if you were just gonna scrape off Jorah’s poison oak and annoy Slughorn. I love you, John Bradley, and I’m genuinely sorry for not liking this scene, but I didn’t like this scene.
Yes yes holy shit Jon’s legitimate holy shit I agree it’s a big deal but B&W being like *wink wink* u catch that guys??? is not fun and I don’t like it. So all we need to do now is get Gilly and Drogon together and they’ll compare notes and Jon’s the heir hoorayyyy.