Let me just get this out of the way quickly: I Super Did Not Like this episode for like 80 different reasons, some of them stupid and personal some of them legitimate(???) and plot- or character-driven. If you’re here to read me yelling about things STRAP IN I AM READY TO YELL
And as always you can donate to my yelling and I’ll keep yelling
Daenerys at Dragonstone
This is kind of a nothing point and I totally get the appeal of that table map for aesthetics but like, you just *know* that people set goblets on it all the time but hit one of those ridges and it topples over and then like OH NOES the Martell token is drowned and needs to be dried off and we need to take a fiver from the war meeting and regroup
Varys, AKA genuinely the smartest dude in this series, has a nice little conversation with Dany. I didn’t hate this dialogue (in part because I was genuinely worried we were going to get a ‘would you like to hear how I was cut’ NO PLEASE NO and we didn’t!). While Varys is absolutely out for himself, I do genuinely believe he is also out For the People. This is absolutely true because he is more safe and secure when the people are safe and secure, but I think if Dany is doing well, he will, if not support her, at least not get her murdered. And if the choices are her or Cersei, Varys is gonna be Team Dany. The dialogue was a little bit posturing, but I liked it, and it was one of the few moments I liked in the episode.
Why does Cersei know about Dany but Tyrion doesn’t know about Jon
Not buyin’ it idc what kinda sale you got goin’ on NOT BUYIN’ IT
Also Ty-Ty, you and Jon took like one cold, short road trip together several years ago, why are you acting like I have seen his soul, and it is pure like calm down all you can really say is “he did good on the car tunes and didn’t need to stop for a bathroom every 40 minutes.” I sat next to a lady on a flight who had a cat and was nice; this doesn’t mean I want her to be queen. A lifelong mutual struggle with daddy issues does not an alliance make.
Tyrion “Mrs. Whatsit” Lannister (WILD NIGHTS ARE MY KHALEESI’S GLORY) has a pretty decent plan in the attack on Casterly Rock, and I get “I don’t want to be queen of the ashes” but COME ON just post one of your flying fire dinosaurs on the walls of King’s Landing, be like “y’all got 3 days,” and then fight. You TORE UP Meereen, let’s not pretend like no one got hurt. I get that I might just like Olenna’s strategy because Diana Rigg is saying it (you perfect perfect lady thank you for being on this show even though I’m not sure why you are) but I LIKE OLENNA’S STRATEGY BECAUSE IT DOESN’T LEAVE US JUST MIRED IN WESTEROS LIKE WE WERE MIRED IN ESSOS PLEASE JUST DO SOMETHING.
Oh heyyyy Melly. Varys throwing you under the bus was a fun moment, and I’ll give you credit: you have incredible fortitude to be like “ssssooooo I burned Stannis’ kid and then he died so I’m, y’know, looking for a new gig.” Gurl, you *tried* it. “Prophecies are dangerous things,” and next up we’ll have Dick Cheney talking about how sometimes shotguns are dangerous things. My bookwank self really liked the nod to Prince or Princess Who Was Promised, and although I do v much believe that it’s Jon, I did enjoy this little background scene. It’s also pretty in-character for Dany to be like “untrustworthy vaguely magical people? SIGN ME THE HECK UP” so nicely done, show
Lots of people are not super sold on this plot line, and I think the series has a higher opinion of the skills of male virgins than it should, but these two tug on my heartstrings and acted the hell out of this scene and while I’m always kinda vaguely uncomfortable with the nudity, this was not gross. This was a vaguely sad, incredibly sweet, beautiful moment between two people who love each other and might not see each other again and Grey Worm being like “you are my weakness” and Missandei being like “Explain; I’m not sold until you explain” was really very lovely and in-character and just *EMOTIONS*. Jacob Anderson almost had me in tears, and we’ve heard the Unsullied story a billion times. I like this storyline, I ship the heck out of it, and while I’m not hoping for any happy endings, I’m glad this scene existed.
***we’ll always have Dragonstone***
***and a cutaway to a hand in a book because subtlety is not the show’s strong suit***
I nearly burst out laughing at Jon’s “You made me King in the North; I didn’t ask for it and I don’t want it” which is literally his character’s entire arc – getting put in charge of things when he doesn’t want to be. It will never not be funny. Esp. since Sansa is sitting in the background like “you motherFU-”
I’m always happy to see Davos, but “you told me fire kills wights; what breathes fire?” is an awkward af line and I don’t like it and I won’t stand for it. He and Brienne need to do more and Baelish needs to do much less. Motherfucker standing around like a chaperone who volunteers for all the school dances even though no one asked him to. Watching Jon choke him out was a nice touch, and I know Brienne has his number, but Jon is leaving, and Brienne, bless her pure heart, is not as smart as Baelish, and I am concerned for Sansa. I’m literally always concerned for Sansa. Also, again, girl being right af with her “send someone else you tiny pouty manbun.” Also thank you to Lord Royce for getting up and repeating what Sansa said but since he’s an old dude the room is now on board. This is meant to be escapist, you jerks.
Does anyone ask why Jon isn’t in the Night’s Watch anymore
Like I get that “GOT DED GOT NOT DED FROM MAGIC” isn’t a great answer but taking the black is kind of legendarily a gig for life so are we gonna address it?
Also could we maybe be less heavy-handed with the repeated exposition, guys? “SAMWELL TARLY HAS DISCOVERED THAT DRAGONGLASS BLAH BLAH” no he didn’t Stannis did and you’ve told us 800 times already and oh my God, Jon, learn to delegate.
Baelish’s murder, for example, would be a fantastic thing to outsource to Brienne. I am *bored* with the Dramatic Dialogue in a Darkened Northern Hall And/Or Basement, and I was never sold on Jon’s kingship, and WHERE THE FUCK IS BRAN. IT’S BEEN TWO FULL EPISODES, WE CAN’T GET A RAVEN TO WINTERFELL LIKE “HEY YOUR DRAMATIC BROTHER IS HERE COME FETCH”
Speaking of Northerners who suck
Jim Broadbent you delightful human. There was a review I read that described him as “channeling a British public school’s headmaster’s dismissiveness” and YEP and I love it, I’m not sure why? I just kind of appreciate how he’s doing his best to keep Sam from deus-ex-machina’ing his way out of stuff or showing up like “lol what are years of training, I’m a main character.” Maester Slughorn is having None Of That.
Give me a second
Okay yep still don’t care about Jorah the Fedora and his lizard smallpox
He is an idiot, a traitor, a slave trader (hear that, Dany?) and HE DOESN’T MATTER. I seriously cannot gather together enough fragments of emotion about this non-entity to care even a little bit about healing him, and Sam, come on. In the books, at least, Jeor’s dying words are to Sam, telling him that he wants Jorah to return and take the black, and he’s forgiven. We don’t even have that in the show. We We have nothing. We have a dude with the same last name and eyes that look like he’s allergic to everything (buddy your eyes been tearing up for 7 seasons now find some Claritin) who has that crackle effect nail polish spilled over his entire body and IT DOESN’T MATTER. House Mormont is fine, it has Medieval X-23 in charge; Dany’s fine, she has literally everybody else; the show is fine, it has plenty of plotlines, and HE DOESN’T MATTER. If we are setting this up for some kind of joyous loving reunion where Jorah strums Jason Mraz’ “I Won’t Give Up” and then puts 800 e’s into “Khaleesi” YOU CAN COUNT ME OUT.
Boy howdy was this bad. I liked Cersei’s shoulder pads and that’s about it. Like, on what planet was any of this acceptable as plot.
Cersei: “so I know that I straight-up fire-murdered your lord and his heir and his daughter the previous Queen after I got them locked in prison for a long time buuuuuuut on the other hand like how bad were the Targs who fire-murdered…people…”
Yes, Tarly is a dried-up raisin of cruelty and opportunism but on what earnest Earth is “if you back us we pinky-promise not to murder you and maybe put you in charge of a part of land you’re default in charge of rn” as an offer? WHY WOULD TARLY ACCEPT THIS EVER. What, you think you found his weak spot because he named his child Dickon and the show recast him? Tarly told his actual son to take the black or he’d have a Robert Baratheon-style hunting accident. He is Supremely Unbothered, and I’m not buying this negotiation. Also can we land on a goddamn characterization for Jaime, please? “I don’t like Cersei” THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE AND WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT AND WHAT IS EVERYTHING
Meanwhile, beneath Erebor, we have Qyburn introducing Cersei to an area of the castle she’s apparently never visited before yeah right not buying it for a second. Elderly Bard Bowman over here like “Smaug I MEAN Drogon was injured and I think I have the way to hurt it oh wow-ee look at that it’s a giant black arrow and since I can shoot a non-moving skull with it we’re totally saved” I HATE THIS WHOLE PLOTLINE
IT WAS A STRETCH WITH TOLKIEN IT IS A JOKE IN THIS SERIES I HATE EVERYTHING FIX YOUR PLOT, SHOW
The Inn at the Crossroads
The only inn in the whole of Westeros yes I know that it lies at an important crossroads calm down we’re just always there but I’m also not super mad because
THE PIIIIIIIE THAT WAS PROMISED
Hot Pie I love you and your diligent work to bring us the best bread and crusts and pastries possible bless you bless your face bless your garbage exposition lines that you delivered earnestly I’m just really proud
It is, frankly, bullshit, that Arya would not have known that Jon is king, but a jillion props to Maisie for acting the hell out of this scene. (and that pies line tho omg) This cast is generally amazing, but this was a particularly stand out moment for me: her face is absolutely dead and mask-like, and then she hears about Jon, and her expression doesn’t even change that much, but she comes alive. I’m just. I can’t. So. Good.
CGI Nymeria was A Moment, but “that’s not you” made like, no sense to me, until I watched B & W explain themselves in that little aftershow, and boys, we straight-up didn’t remember that line. A lot of us thought Arya was implying that the wolfie wasn’t actually Nymeria? Idk I’m pretty judge-y atm with B&W doing that Confederate show and saying that the four women around the table in Dragonstone is groundbreaking (hire some women to write and direct your eps, then, if you’re so dedicated) and we just didn’t fucking remember your average-ass line. It’s fine I’m fine NO ONE TOUCH ME
Watch Arya take a ride on the Magical Baelish Floo Network or some shit and make it to Winterfell before they know Bran’s at the Wall just watch that happen
JUST, SOME, PLEASE
The Iron Fleet
No one touch me
No one fucking *touch* me
Benioff and Weiss: you’ll never guess what we’ve brought in for this season
Me: is it a sociopathic villain
B & W: it’s a soc- hey how’d you know
Me: and he’ll be used to kill off characters you don’t want to deal with anymore?
B & W: and he’ll be used to- okay wow you’re really good at this
WHERE DID EURON GET HIS SHIPS. YARA AND THEON TOOK MOST OF THE FLEET, THE IRON ISLANDS HAVE NO TREES, AND IT WOULD TAKE A DECADE TO PIRATE THAT MANY. BUT FUCK YOUR PLOT AND LOGIC; EURON HAS TO SMILE THROUGH BLOOD MANIACALLY AND MAKE US ALL UNCOMFORTABLE.
Tell me without looking it up: which Sand Snakes did he kill
Does it matter
Does it even fucking matter
The last lines that Nym and Obara get are whining garbage more styled to a sleepover, and despite the fact that they’re both very good at fighting, Euron takes them out in like 8 seconds each, and we did this because their characters were fucked from the beginning, and then we had them poison Myrcella, and then we had them say “I FIGHT FOR DORNE, WHO DO YOU FIGHT FOR” idk decent dialogue and a clear definition of women’s characters and the absence of pitting them against each other and Not Season 5 and HOW
I am not here for Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Peripheral Character I Fucking Hate and I don’t want this plot and I don’t want the Silence to somehow be a goddamn ninja ship that makes no noticeable noise so Low Tide Billie Joe Armstrong can swing in on a carnival ride and take out a whole fleet.
Then we have Theon in the actual throes of a PTSD-based panic attack and B & W in their postmortem were like “we’d all thought Theon had turned a corner” WE MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT. On what planet was Theon ready for any of this? And people be out here like “you coward why didn’t you help your sister” idk a fundamental misunderstanding of how trauma and trauma-related mental illness operates but by all means, get your cool shot of Alfie Allen swan-diving and a woman pinned to something by her own spear
“Give your uncle a kiss” YOU DIDN’T MATTER AS OF LIKE, 4 EPISODES AGO. YOU ARE TRASH AND YOUR BAND SUCKS. AND IF WE HAD PLOTTED DORNE CORRECTLY YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO BRING CERSEI A “GIFT” WHICH IS THE WESTEROSI EQUIVALENT OF STOPPING IN TO GET AN OPEN HEART PENDANT AT THE MALL’S KAY JEWELERS FOR A WOMAN YOU’VE BEEN DATING A MONTH. WHERE IS THE DRAGON HORN. WHERE IS YARA’S DIALOGUE THAT ISN’T PROPOSITIONING SOMEONE. WHERE IS EURON’S THRASH METAL GARAGE BAND’S PRACTICE SO I CAN DROP HIM OFF THERE AND LEAVE HIM AND HIS STUPID, STUPID PLOT THERE FOREVER.
Plus we managed to get like no wide shots and shitty lighting for a battle on a ship so it was great not knowing what was happening until My Heart Will Go On
Please let Gendry row by in his boat and pick up Theon and some chill for me
LOVE YOU GUYS; MEAN IT