Nerding, Personal

Ways I would die in the apocalypse

June 26, 2017

Like, all these movies out here examining how people survive in dystopias and I’m just trying to accept the fact that I will be dead in the first week

  • Losing my glasses or contacts somehow and trying to drive a vehicle and going right over a cliff
    • My eyesight is not that bad but near-sightedness combined with the panic of trying to survive means I would absolutely take the next exit to death
    • Don’t get in the car with me in Panem
  • Running out of my psych meds
    • The halflife on these bad boys means I will have a monstrous headache like 5 hours into missing a dose and I will lie down and refuse to rise again because my head is owie
      • “why wouldn’t you just titrate off of them if you know the world is ending”
  • Trying to pet a wolf
    • I don’t have to walk you through this one, guys
      • We’ll be like 8 days in, nuclear winter has arrived, the wolves roam free, and one will tear me apart because I ran at it yelling PUPPPPYYYYYYY LOOKAT THE BIG PUPPYYYYYYY
  • Falling out of a window trying to fix an air conditioner
    • I don’t do so good in the heat
      • Or the cold
        • But mostly the heat
          • My apocalypse will be climate-controlled or it will be bullshit
  • Eating garbage
    • Like I do this anyway but once the world ends it’ll be like, dangerous to do
      • She died as she lived
        • In a trashcan
  • Not quite patient zero but definitely patient like 642
    • I will absolutely get sick and die, I’m not super hardy to begin with and I’m frequently bad at going to the doctor and will be like bleeding from my nailbeds and be like “yeah that happens sometimes when I get a cold”
      • If it’s a zombie virus my patient number will be like 8
        • You will see me get infected while saying “ain’t no way that’s contagious”
  • The second or third death in whatever Battle Royale-style tournament of doom our overlords have designed
    • Gurl
      • I ain’t swinging an axe at another human being
        • And I’ve skipped arms day for like, 12 years
          • I volunteer as loser
  • Accidentally forgetting that it’s the apocalypse and walking to Dunkin’ for an iced coffee
    • We could be in a goddamn nuclear winter and I will still order iced coffee
      • “Ma’am, curfew violations are punishable by death”
        • “Yeah, hi, can I get a medium hazelnut iced coffee with skim milk”
          • “Ma’am, please stand against the wall”
            • “no, no sugar, thank you”
  • Gleefully signing up for those pod things from The Matrix
    • “You don’t know that your life isn’t real, but it isn’t”
      • Oh no, how awful
        • Just The Worst amirite
          • tbh I’d probably consider signing up for one of those pods even if I would just know about the pods
            • They look like sweet nap spots
  • Accidentally being the Majority Report and dying when people figure it out and revolt
    • I just was trying to be helpful idk idk
  • Making myself vulnerable to attack by searching for The Rock
    • Look if the world is in the middle of a disaster I’ll be damned if I don’t go looking for the People’s Hero
  • Making myself vulnerable emotionally
    • Wait sorry this is how I’ll die if the world stays the same my b

You Might Also Like

No Comments

Leave a Reply