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Fitness, Nerding

The Men’s World Cup of Kicky Ball Round of 16: a Goober’s Guide

June 29, 2018

(This post is a happy post in a time of sadness, yes.  I have about a dozen drafts of angrysad, but I wanted to put up at least something that isn’t awful? Rage against the dying of the light? Anyway.)

AWWWW YEAH, SOCCER.  OR FOOTBALL. OR KICKY BALL.  I’m sticking with kicky ball.  It’s like “shooty hoops” but my friend Steve came up with it and I’m so pleased.  But, anyway, would you like to watch some soccer?  Would you like to be a citizen of the world? Would you like to wake up at 7 AM on weekends?  COME JOIN ME.

This is a great time to jump in – no games today, and the knockout round starts tomorrow!

I’m obviously a bit late for this post, so forgive me for writing this now, but boyyyyy howdy do I love me some World Cup soccer.  So if you have nothing personally invested in the winner but like to watch people with incredible thighs run around and hit things with their heads, here is your introduction.  I am not fact-checking. Deal with it.  (okay I am but most of this is my feelings so FACT CHECK YOUR FACE)

We started out with 32 teams divided into 8 groups of 4, and the top two from each of those groups (stay with me) moves on to the round of 16, which is now.  Therefore, if you want to tune in, now is a good time!  Every game is a knockout game, and NO TIES ARE ALLOWED.  THEY PLAY TO THE DEATH AND/OR THE BEST OF 5 PENALTY KICKS, UNLESS THEY BOTH MAKE THE SAME NUMBER, AND THEN IT’S A LITTLE MORE COMPLICA- you know what? They play to the death.  That’s it.  Till they’re deadsies.  That’s the rule.

LET’S DIVE IN

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Nerding, Personal

A definitive ranking of household chores

May 29, 2018

Once again, I don’t make the rules, I just report them

All complaints can be directed to our complaint department which is an incinerator jaykay all your opinions are valuable and I’m happy to hear them

This list is inspired by our cleaning of most of our house a week ago Sunday and waking up the next morning in lots of pain, and it was further inspired by my being just a general brat with opinions

This ranking is out of ten as always but more means it sucks more because there is no such thing as a 10/10 household chore unless tweeting and petting my dog while she eats peanut butter out of a bone counts as a household chore which I’m guessing it doesn’t Continue Reading…

Nerding

Meathead Mondays: Joe Manganiello

April 30, 2018

Awwww yes we back we back.  I’m… I’m assuming you missed this?  Anyway.

Andrew and I went to see Rampage the week of its release, because I am a Dwayne Johnson fangirl and would watch him raise alternating eyebrows for 110 minutes, and it was fun!  Like a solid B, B+ monster movie with exceptional-looking monster CGI and it was worth the ticket price.  Obviously, my perfect bald bb (WHO NOW HAS ANOTHER LITTLE BABY EEEE) was wonderful in it, but this week, I am not here to talk about him.  I am here to talk about another gentleman in Rampage, and that is Mr. Joseph Manganiello.

This guy.  This GUY.  He looks like if you could wish a romance cover into life and then took you on a hike.  His role in Rampage is uh, not significantly longer than what was in the trailer.  He’s alive and on-screen for like ten total minutes and he’s just deliciously rugged and absurd and I don’t even know why he took this role but it is great!!!  He fights a huge wolf! I hope it is a smug reference to his werewolf role on True Blood! Because this guy has a goddamn fine arts degree from goddamn Carnegie Mellon with Shakespeare theater training and he was like “yeah sure I’ll carry a gun in the woods for 8 minutes and fight a wolf.” Let me continue to explain why I love him so much. Continue Reading…

Uncategorized

Meathead Mondays: Channing Tatum

March 19, 2018

CHANNING. Chan. Chan-chan. C-Tates. Whatever you call him, he is a delightful bit of abdominal muscles and jamz, and I will genuinely defend his talent and goodness to the stars.

He is sometimes (very frustratingly) compared to ***intellectual*** stars as this doofus with a dopey face, and there are women out there who are like “ugh, no, I couldn’t date Channing, his neck is so thick, give me someone like [current popular actor from the United Kingdom].”  And this is absolutely not meant to denigrate any of those British actors, but… really?  His neck is too thick?  That’s what’s stopping you?  You’re ignoring his dance moves, his ability to laugh at himself, his comedy chops, his kindness, his dedication to his daughter, and his 400 abdominal muscles, because his neck is too thick.  You def had a chance, anyway.  I’m Not Here For pretending like my guy is dumb because he hasn’t played an aging literature professor who’s found himself attracted to one of his female students.  He is sunshine and you will back off.

HERE WE GO

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Personal

Highlights and lowlights of dog ownership

March 5, 2018

Not a Meathead Monday post, but hopefully the pupdate will make up for it.  Donate button is to ya right and will be used for peanut butter for Bailey.

The Majestic Bailey has now been a part of our household for 6 months, and not to brag, but she is absolutely killing it as a dog.  Just top-notch dog behavior.  She is the cutest thing in the entire world and has gotten a little bit bigger and she needs to be able to go to the dog park like, yesterday.  Seriously, please wish for warmer weather because she misses her friends and needs to drag race them.  She has made a friend named Lola at our complex’s small dog park and they run around so good, which helps a lot, but I want to take her where there are like 30 dogs.

We have lucked out enormously with her behavior- and difficulty-wise, and while I love all dogs, I am very thankful that she is 85% chill.  She doesn’t bark (she has barked maybe 20 times in 6 months and it has nearly always been because we were sassing her); she is chill with all other dogs and all other people; she came to us housebroken and had one accident her first week and that was on us because we were like “you just went out you don’t have to go again” SPOILER ALERT she DID have to go again; she is a very good eater and isn’t picky; she is crate-trained, and while we do our best to have her out of there as much as possible she goes in without protest; she is Supremely Unbothered by literally everything.  She is…not small, so it is like, a lotta dog in our not-huge house, and she can get mouthy sometimes, but she’s just a very good girl who gets excited.

life is so hard when u r adorable

SO HARD U GUYS

There are certain highlights and lowlights of doggie ownership that are somewhat universal.

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Nerding

Meathead Mondays: Keanu Reeves

February 19, 2018

Keanuuuuuu.  You may have seen this chill af time vampire in his Superbowl ad for Squarespace, standing on top of an actual motorcycle going actually 45 mph down an actual highway because he’s a dedicated bananas person.  You may have seen him in the Sad Keanu meme, which is a portion of his Wikipedia page.  You may have seen him in your friend’s Neo costume for Halloween (as an aside, unless the theme is Keanu Reeves Roles please don’t actually do this).  You may be on board with the theory that he is immortal and is a vampire and/or French actor and doctor Paul Mounet who supposedly died in 1922.  (I’m on board, both because 1. look at him 2. may he reign forever) He is a kind, friendly, earnest weirdo who soars best when he gets to hit people and not talk, and I. LOVE. HIM.  Not ironically, not just in The Matrix, not just as a joke.

LOOK AT THIS ADORABLE CUTIE
LOOK AT HIM

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Personal

Skincare and makeup done by a sad woman

January 30, 2018

I did a face mask post a little while back on a request, and while this is not on a request, I wanted to write it, so I am writing it.  wow much story so detail what is wrong with me donate button over there for contributing to my face

I am, uh… not great when it comes to traditionally feminine things.  I’m significantly more comfortable in pants, my hair styling can be described as “I wash it,” and bright colors terrify me.  For a while, I was also grossly convinced that my lack of interest in “girly” stuff made me somehow superior.  That is, thank God, no longer the truth, but I kind of swung back in the other direction too hard, and had NO idea how to do any makeup and was too scared to try, even though I wanted to, and this was true through like, most of law school? And several years ago?  I maybe would put on some powder with a crappy brush I got at CVS 6 years ago and had never washed and OOOOH BREAK OUT THE BIG GUNS with mascara. My makeup style could be described as *John Mulaney voice* “you know when you’re 12 and you’re like ‘no one look at me or I’ll kill myself!'”

Enter Sephora.  I re-purchased some non-matched, non-tested powder foundation and got samples and earned a reward or something and was like “oooh this is kinda nice I see why people do it” and I tried, y’all, I really did.  I figured out a primer that works for me and that I still use, and I bought a perfume, and that was apparently enough effort for like another 3 years.

Then I started working, as a lawyer, and was like “oh no they’re all put together” about other female lawyers, and this was the final push for me to at least look like I tried to do something about my appearance.  Is it annoying? Yep!  Is it kinda bullshit that I’ve seen older male attorneys stroll up unshaven with a messy tie and sneakers on and no one cares but if I don’t do a winged eyeliner I’m the one who looks like a slob? Yep!  Do I do a winged eyeliner? Nope! I am still scared of that!

While part of me resents having to care about my appearance to Make It in the Professional World, a larger part of me is shrugging and/or kind of interested in how makeup can do stuff to your face.  I’m still very much into the “natural looking” makeup style (see above: don’t look at me) but I don’t hate my routine, I feel more confident with it, and there is a somewhat indulgent soothing aspect to the ritual of putting on your stuff in the morning. Me Time.  I also got a little bit into skin care stuff, and that’s been fun and even more indulgent because there’s no presentation aspect to the skin care stuff and I get to be in PJs for it.

ANYWAY, HERE’S MY STUFF Continue Reading…

Nerding

Meathead Mondays: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

January 8, 2018

And here is my obligatory serious side note: I love The Rock.  He is wonderful.  I wish him all the best things.  However, I really, really do not want him to legitimately run for President of the United States.  Yes, if the choice were between our current like, really smart leader and Johnson I’d hella vote for Johnson, but to be fair I would vote for the house from the Disney Channel Original Movie Smart House over our current president because the house seemed more stable.  But otherwise?  Please can we please have a president with actual policy-making and experience?  I get the idea of the swamp, I do, but if my options are screen personality or swamp thing I AM TEAM SWAMP THING.

ilu Dwayne I’m sorry I think you’re great maybe run for mayor or something? like a little office? dip your toes in? ANYWAY

I have loved Mr. Johnson for a long time, since at least Fast Five, and I am so pleased with his success.  I recently saw Jumanji, and if you haven’t seen it go see it it is flippin’ hilarious.  And like, actually hilarious: I realize my taste in movies is crap but this was a genuine blast to watch.

HERE WE GO

I would never leave this out

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Uncategorized

A definitive ranking of non-religious Christmas songs

December 25, 2017

I don’t make the rules I just report ’em

These aren’t even my opinions they’re just the truth being told on a blog get on board or get left behind

Of course I forgot some let me know what you think and have a wonderful holiday kids

  • Sleigh Ride – 9/10
    • Loses a point for the lyrics, which are just kinda weird, let’s be honest
      • They are a bit too jaunty and they rhyme “snow” with “snow” and that’s just laziness
        • The horses are pulling their hearts out; make an effort
    • HOWEVER the instrumental version is faaaaaantastic
    • The slapstick alone could get this song up to like, 7/10, because I would give seven points to just the slapstick
      • slapstick
        • slap
          • stick
    • There’s also the wonderful trumpet horse neigh at the end, and the jazzy section, which has that weird trombone part that sounds like the high school cheer, and excellent dynamic changes
    • Like, guys, I play horn, and my part is literally offbeats except for 8 measures at the beginning, and this song is still a BOP
  • The Christmas Song – 7/10
    • Solid, sentimental, does what it says on the box
    • Loses a point for sometimes getting warbly and repeating the final verse but generally good, and I’ve never even had a chestnut, much less one that has been roasted over an open fire, and I get nostalgic
      • My favorite kind of nostalgia is the kind I get to experience without dealing with the original experience
        • I’m not kidding
          • No, I’m fine, really
    • Second point lost is for offering the phrase only to kids from 1 to 92, because I lived with my grandmother for many years and she made it almost to 105, and so I felt like a traitor to my grandma because I wanted her to have a Merry Christmas, too
      • Kids Shall Be Wished a Merry Christmas Regardless of Age
  • I’ll Be Home For Christmas – 5/10
    • …eh
    • You’re fine, I guess, but this song never gets stuck in my head because it’s simply not that memorable
    • You’re trying to make me have feelings that I don’t have
      • I’ll Be Dead Inside For Christmas
  • Last Christmas – 1/10
    • No
    • “I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away” STOP
      • “This year” NNNNOPE
        • “to sAVE ME FROM TEARS” SSSSSSTOP IT
    • I realize how divisive this opinion is but I really, really quite dislike this song, and this is a bad opinion because of George Michael, and I realize I’m a bad person, but you cannot make me like this song I REFUSE
  • Frosty the Snowman – 6/10
    • This is a jaunty as heck but deeply weird song
      • Why is he alive
      • Why do we devote a line to his traffic activities
      • Why did he leave and where is he going
      • Why is the sound he makes “thumpity-thump”
  • Silver Bells – 7/10
    • Simple, bops, peaceful at the same time
    • Earns a point for being really easy to write parodies of
      • By “parodies” I mean “dumb dog songs”
        • “Bailey Pup” is my current preferred one
          • Bailey pup, Bailey Pup / it is too cold out for doggies / Bailey pup, Bailey pup / Soon we must go back inside
            • EVERYBODY
              • Puppy doggy, what a good dog, you will sniff everything / in the air there’s a dog nose that’s sniffing / chomp the stick, crack, hear your toes tap / you are such a great dog / and on every street corner you pee
      • I’m not sorry
  • All I Want for Christmas Is You – 10/10
    • Were you going to give this a different rating?
      • What’s it like being wrong at a bone-deep level?
        • Mariah the Unbothered, Breaker of Frowns, Queen of the Women and the Woke Men, The First and Probably Only of Her Name Let’s Be Real
  • Baby, It’s Cold Outside – 4/10
    • I just don’t really like this song
    • If you were looking for great analysis here, I don’t have it
    • I’m just… eh
    • In the same way I’ve eaten a mediocre piece of toast – that was three minutes, I’m a little different than before, I don’t need to repeat it
  • Run, Rudolph, Run – 8/10
    • “oh YEAH, *THIS* song!” you say, realizing my rating is correct because this is Chuck Berry being festive Chuck Berry and this song is a banger
    • Do you know the lyrics? No
    • Does it matter? No
  • Winter Wonderland – 6/10
    • I like this one, but it ends up sounding like a drinking song, if that makes sense?
  • You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch – 9/10
    • THE OG DISS TRACK
    • Like, are you *kidding* me
      • Amazing tune (I’m jealous as heck if you’re a trombone player), and the lyrics are off the charts phenomenal
        • Like
          • Your soul is an appalling dump heap
            Overflowing with the most disgraceful
            Assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable
            Mangled up in tangled up knots
        • BUUUUUUUUUUURN
    • I need a woman in my life to tell me that she has replied to unwanted male attention with “between the two of you I’d take the seasick crocodile” and the entire bar was like “BRO YOU JUST GOT OWNED SO BAD” and the guy went home to reevaluate his entire life and the matriarchy grew by two sizes that day
  • Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer – 1/10
    • No
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – 1/10
    • No, Part 2
  • Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town sung by Bruce Springsteen – 8/10
    • Keep Bruce in Christmas
    • If you’re from Jersey and celebrate Christmas this song is like getting cheer and rock injected directly into your veins
      • There are residents of Bergen County who would use “seeing Bruce sing SICTT live in concert in ’75” as their memory to conjure a Patronus
        • “If you listen really closely in the second minute you can hear me cheering, it’s me, just listen”
  • Santa Baby – 5/10
    • I am … SO torn on this song
    • On one hand, it is a really simplistic and cloying melody and rhythm and singers tend to sing this deliberately off-key and why are we sexualizing Santa Claus and it is so impractical and probably immoral to own a platinum mine
    • On the other hand… get it girl run that man for everything he’ll give you pay your bills get a house wear diamonds CLEAN HIM *OUT*
  • Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – 9/10
    • I’m crying???? But I’m happy?????
      • Why does this song make me feel things even when I want to not feel things???
        • And good things and bad things at the same time???
          • I’m 29 I wasn’t even there for olden days???? WHY DOES MY HEART HURT
      • me, quietly, sobbing: and… hhaaaAAve yourself *sniff*… a *wobbly lip* mmmmmerry little Christmas…. *whimper* nnnnnNNNNOOOOOW