A definitive ranking of non-religious Christmas songs

December 25, 2017

I don’t make the rules I just report ’em

These aren’t even my opinions they’re just the truth being told on a blog get on board or get left behind

Of course I forgot some let me know what you think and have a wonderful holiday kids

  • Sleigh Ride – 9/10
    • Loses a point for the lyrics, which are just kinda weird, let’s be honest
      • They are a bit too jaunty and they rhyme “snow” with “snow” and that’s just laziness
        • The horses are pulling their hearts out; make an effort
    • HOWEVER the instrumental version is faaaaaantastic
    • The slapstick alone could get this song up to like, 7/10, because I would give seven points to just the slapstick
      • slapstick
        • slap
          • stick
    • There’s also the wonderful trumpet horse neigh at the end, and the jazzy section, which has that weird trombone part that sounds like the high school cheer, and excellent dynamic changes
    • Like, guys, I play horn, and my part is literally offbeats except for 8 measures at the beginning, and this song is still a BOP
  • The Christmas Song – 7/10
    • Solid, sentimental, does what it says on the box
    • Loses a point for sometimes getting warbly and repeating the final verse but generally good, and I’ve never even had a chestnut, much less one that has been roasted over an open fire, and I get nostalgic
      • My favorite kind of nostalgia is the kind I get to experience without dealing with the original experience
        • I’m not kidding
          • No, I’m fine, really
    • Second point lost is for offering the phrase only to kids from 1 to 92, because I lived with my grandmother for many years and she made it almost to 105, and so I felt like a traitor to my grandma because I wanted her to have a Merry Christmas, too
      • Kids Shall Be Wished a Merry Christmas Regardless of Age
  • I’ll Be Home For Christmas – 5/10
    • …eh
    • You’re fine, I guess, but this song never gets stuck in my head because it’s simply not that memorable
    • You’re trying to make me have feelings that I don’t have
      • I’ll Be Dead Inside For Christmas
  • Last Christmas – 1/10
    • No
    • “I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away” STOP
      • “This year” NNNNOPE
    • I realize how divisive this opinion is but I really, really quite dislike this song, and this is a bad opinion because of George Michael, and I realize I’m a bad person, but you cannot make me like this song I REFUSE
  • Frosty the Snowman – 6/10
    • This is a jaunty as heck but deeply weird song
      • Why is he alive
      • Why do we devote a line to his traffic activities
      • Why did he leave and where is he going
      • Why is the sound he makes “thumpity-thump”
  • Silver Bells – 7/10
    • Simple, bops, peaceful at the same time
    • Earns a point for being really easy to write parodies of
      • By “parodies” I mean “dumb dog songs”
        • “Bailey Pup” is my current preferred one
          • Bailey pup, Bailey Pup / it is too cold out for doggies / Bailey pup, Bailey pup / Soon we must go back inside
            • EVERYBODY
              • Puppy doggy, what a good dog, you will sniff everything / in the air there’s a dog nose that’s sniffing / chomp the stick, crack, hear your toes tap / you are such a great dog / and on every street corner you pee
      • I’m not sorry
  • All I Want for Christmas Is You – 10/10
    • Were you going to give this a different rating?
      • What’s it like being wrong at a bone-deep level?
        • Mariah the Unbothered, Breaker of Frowns, Queen of the Women and the Woke Men, The First and Probably Only of Her Name Let’s Be Real
  • Baby, It’s Cold Outside – 4/10
    • I just don’t really like this song
    • If you were looking for great analysis here, I don’t have it
    • I’m just… eh
    • In the same way I’ve eaten a mediocre piece of toast – that was three minutes, I’m a little different than before, I don’t need to repeat it
  • Run, Rudolph, Run – 8/10
    • “oh YEAH, *THIS* song!” you say, realizing my rating is correct because this is Chuck Berry being festive Chuck Berry and this song is a banger
    • Do you know the lyrics? No
    • Does it matter? No
  • Winter Wonderland – 6/10
    • I like this one, but it ends up sounding like a drinking song, if that makes sense?
  • You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch – 9/10
    • Like, are you *kidding* me
      • Amazing tune (I’m jealous as heck if you’re a trombone player), and the lyrics are off the charts phenomenal
        • Like
          • Your soul is an appalling dump heap
            Overflowing with the most disgraceful
            Assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable
            Mangled up in tangled up knots
    • I need a woman in my life to tell me that she has replied to unwanted male attention with “between the two of you I’d take the seasick crocodile” and the entire bar was like “BRO YOU JUST GOT OWNED SO BAD” and the guy went home to reevaluate his entire life and the matriarchy grew by two sizes that day
  • Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer – 1/10
    • No
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – 1/10
    • No, Part 2
  • Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town sung by Bruce Springsteen – 8/10
    • Keep Bruce in Christmas
    • If you’re from Jersey and celebrate Christmas this song is like getting cheer and rock injected directly into your veins
      • There are residents of Bergen County who would use “seeing Bruce sing SICTT live in concert in ’75” as their memory to conjure a Patronus
        • “If you listen really closely in the second minute you can hear me cheering, it’s me, just listen”
  • Santa Baby – 5/10
    • I am … SO torn on this song
    • On one hand, it is a really simplistic and cloying melody and rhythm and singers tend to sing this deliberately off-key and why are we sexualizing Santa Claus and it is so impractical and probably immoral to own a platinum mine
    • On the other hand… get it girl run that man for everything he’ll give you pay your bills get a house wear diamonds CLEAN HIM *OUT*
  • Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – 9/10
    • I’m crying???? But I’m happy?????
      • Why does this song make me feel things even when I want to not feel things???
        • And good things and bad things at the same time???
          • I’m 29 I wasn’t even there for olden days???? WHY DOES MY HEART HURT
      • me, quietly, sobbing: and… hhaaaAAve yourself *sniff*… a *wobbly lip* mmmmmerry little Christmas…. *whimper* nnnnnNNNNOOOOOW

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