Oh gosh, guys, this one’s even harder to not screw up and post spoilers. I’m trying I swear.
Also this is my new favorite feminist GoT joke:
“All men must di-”
“not all men”
Arya and the Hound
Protip, don’t tell Arya your name. She might not even want to kill you but it’s probably better to be safe.
My tweet for the second half of this scene said “this is a very sweet scene between Arya and the Hound but why does it exist” and I stand by that. I know they’re fan favorites and I completely understand why, but they truly suffer from an overall Good Guys characterization based mostly on the fact that they hate the same people we hate, pretty much. Neither the Hound , nor Arya, is actually “good.” Basically almost no one on the show is. That isn’t to say that what Gregor did to Sandor was in any way okay (because dude, hol shit, putting your little brother’s face in the fire? what the hell is wrong with you???), and God knows Arya’s got some really good reasons for wanting everyone to die, but neither of them is pure as the driven snow and I really wish the fandom could accept that.
Still not aboard the Daario ship (including any of that armada he stole for her HEY-OOO), but honestly? Super happy we got to see 1. a woman who’s not being paid for it initiating sex and 2. consensual sex where we’re not stripping the woman. Well, I mean, we didn’t see it, technically, because HBO decided for once in its history to cut a sex scene. The best line I saw about why they chose to cut it was “probably because it was consensual” so WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN, HBO?
Michael Huisman is clearly attractive, I just still don’t get why she’d go for him. Is anyone out there seriously liking him? I’m also vaguely bothered by his “I am good at fighting and women and the one woman I want doesn’t want me” jam because SURE BRO like you KNOW he’s been getting plenty and he’s straight up lying to her. I’d also kinda like to see him fight that wasn’t just like a knife throw? I know battles are expensive but you dropped a ton of money to light Jojen’s hand on fire so can we see him fight, please? Ugh. Anyway. Idk, he just reminds me of a dude at the gym who like shakes out his arms for like ten minutes to do one Olympic lift with shitty form and then drops the bar loudly on the floor and then gives that little upward nod to everyone and then attempts to hit on a girl with headphones doing speedwork on a treadmill. Can U Not.
This scene also gets ruined if you picture him with his stupid little cloth necklace thing still on when he’s otherwise naked. It’s the Essos equivalent of attempting to get busy but leaving your dress socks on. IT’S BUSINESS, IT’S BUSINESS TIME
I wonder how pissed Margaery is that Dany’s stealing her cutouts jam. Emilia Clarke you so fine but your design team is a little pervy. Jorah Is The Saddest Sack, Episode 1,874 did well this week, although I was totally on board when I was reading the books (even though this scene is a little off) being like “he’s annoying with the love stuff but Dany seriously do not bang a sellsword. Not safe. Do not have sex, or you will get betrayed and die.”
Jon and the Night’s Watch
HAVE THE GODDAMN BATTLE ALREADY LITERALLY NO ONE CARES ANYMORE
110% done with this storyline, Jon’s got stuff left in the end of book 3 but we’re like still at the Red Wedding time-wise in the show and his character is suffering the most from “we really don’t wanna do book 4 because all the faves are gone.” I don’t have anything else to put here other than maybe that Lindsay-Lohan-as-Liz-Taylor gif. I’M BORED. I’M SO BORED.
Why is Melisandre naked in this scene in some weird bath that doesn’t actually bathe her? Why is Melisandre naked in this scene? Why is Melisandre in this scene? Why this scene? Why is Melisandre? Why, actually? Why? WHY? This fuckin’ show, man. I don’t even know.
Gregor Clegane is in fact The Mountain That Can’t Last More Than A Season but the new one’s perfect. (He’s a legit Strongman competitor and roughly 380 pounds of muscle and I love it.)
So, in the books (this is a significant plot difference but technically not a spoiler, but if you’re reading the books and want to form your own opinion, maybe don’t read this paragraph), Tyrion knows that the Mountain is Cersei’s champion before his trial even begins, knows that Jaime is Buster Bluth and still sucks at swording, and Oberyn comes to him sneakily after the first day of his trial like “yoooo we hate the same people lemme fight ’em for you” and so Tyrion actually has a plan before he goes in. The way they did it in the show seemed really off and particularly out of character for Tyrion: bro is a planner before anything else, and to act like he’d be all “whaaaaa Jaime you can’t fight I HAD NO IDEA” is just odd. I really did enjoy Oberyn’s “you’re the first Lannister who has shared my enthusiasm for dead Lannisters” line, though. I felt the show did a quite good job at making it clear that Oberyn’s 100% here for his own stuff, which means revenging Elia’s death, but I did enjoy his little “I know you’re not a monster” insinuation. Goddamn it I wanna talk more about this but I can’tttttt. No spoilers.
I am frankly SHOCKED that the same people who were trending #fuckShae were not also doing #fuckBronn, SHOCKED I TELL YOU. Of course I’m not. Anyway, again, the Bronn conversation happens before Tyrion chooses a trial by combat, so it’s not like “oh shit my sellword won’t fight.” I don’t remember being that mad at Bronn in the books for refusing to fight, and they did take most of the dialogue straight from the books for this scene, so I guess they played that right. However, fun fact: in the books, Lollys, Bronn’s new bride, is “half-witted,” meaning she’s developmentally disabled, and she’s pregnant because she was raped in the King’s Landing riot where Sansa was also almost raped, back in season 2. Therefore, I was not too mad at Bronn for not fighting for Tyrion (it’s a smart move), I was mad at people for giving Lollys to him. Plus he’s totes gonna kill her sister and be the lord and ugh. Again, group him in with people like the Hound that everyone is like “yeahhh my BRO” and he’s actually pretty terrible.
Brienne and Pod
The Hot Pie That Was Promised YESSSSS. (If y’all think I’m getting sick of this joke think againnnn). Love Hot Pie. My kinda dude. Stay away from the war and feed people. Also for reals look at how good his direwolfy bread skills got? Love you Hot Pie.
Can someone tell me if Brienne ever actually announces that they’re looking for Sansa specifically rather than a girl with red hair? I don’t remember her doing it, but I haven’t gone and looked it up because I’d have to go through A Feast for Crows, so nope. Anyone know offhand/want to sacrifice their happiness and dig through that stupid book? (I didn’t HATE-hate it, it was just such a bleh book.) Brienne’s obviously not brilliant but it seemed extra dumb for her to be like SANSA STARK WHERE SHE AT to a stranger, but I really could be remembering this wrong.
Sansa and the Eyrie
Twitter freaking BLEW UP with “Frozen” jokes at Sansa’s Eyrie scene but I still haven’t seen the movie like the jackass that I am so I didn’t get any of the jokes. Sansa is the greatest haters out the goddamn Moon Door. Sophie Turner, amazing. The scene in the snow was just as creeptastic in the books as it was in the show, but OH MY GOD they actually had to shoot it and ughhhhh. Aidan Gillen, I mean, I guess you’re doing your job right because I feel sick to my stomach just looking at your face? Idk, guys.
ANYWAY. “Flysa Arryn” caught on and I lol’ed because I’m terrible but nice pun, Twitter. This was, for me, perhaps the third biggest surprise in book 3: I remember gasping out loud when I read it. However, I don’t think the show did it justice? (Of course would love to hear from nonbookreaders to see if the suspense worked.) First of all, there is this gross other dude there, Marillion, who is this minstrel who tries to hit on Sansa and doesn’t really matter, except for this scene he totes does because Littlefinger needed someone to blame it on? So what are you gonna do now, bro? Can’t blame Sansa!
I’m generally (hopefully?) not too annoying about “but they said it differently in the books!!!!111” but this is one scene that I really think they should have stuck to the source material. Martin describes Lysa as falling silently, and that really struck a chord with me, because she’s in shock that he’d do that and can’t react (how I read it) and I wish they had done that. Also, dammit, Benioff and Weiss, you had ONE JOB and that was to let Baelish say “only Cat” not “your sister” and you done fucked up, son. It’s a better line and if people can’t remember Catelyn that is their own damn fault and they should sit there in their confusion and DEAL WITH IT.
I’m sorry I’m so slow on this, bar prep is eating my life, I love you all for reading it and I will try to take notes DURING the show this week so maybe I can write faster.