I’m a cashier working during the holiday season and I’m here to ruin your life

Hi there.  You don’t know me yet, but you will.  Mostly because I’m about to fuck up your next 6 hours, but also because I am wearing a name tag.

When you first arrived, I hope you enjoyed the labyrinthine hellscape that is the shopping mall parking lot, because I personally designed it.  I paid an old man driving a Mercury to wait for you to arrive, and then to immediately swerve in and take a good parking spot from you.  I also hired a variety of SmartCar drivers and motorcycles to make spaces look empty and raise your hopes until you reach them and attempt to turn in and then swear violently because they are not available spots.  While you are inside the mall, the two cars next to yours will leave, and the two Honda Odyssey owners I hired will park 12 inches from each side of your car.  One of them will have a bumper sticker you vehemently disagree with.
I made the weather bad, too.  I made it 41 degrees and lightly raining, and after that I closed your favorite department store. Your second favorite will be closing in 6 months, and your third favorite is located as far away as possible from where you parked.
Before you even walked in, I had your friends and family do surveillance on what you generally expect to spend on some items at my store.  I requested their detailed reports, and then I went around and marked up the prices on those items by 12-ish percent.  I also discounted the items in colors you hate.  I also made sure anything you would like to purchase 2 (but not 3) of is under a “buy 2 get 1 free” scenario so you feel like you’ve saved money but when you arrive home you realize there was no sale and you are now further encumbered by material goods.
Those same snitching friends and family also found out what temperature you keep the house at, and I set the thermostat 8 degrees colder than that.  Unless you came in carrying your large coat, then I adjust it to 9 degrees warmer.
If you have children, I sewed a piece of mildly irritating fabric into one of their socks, and that’s why they are 1. crying and 2. refusing to walk.  I slipped ’em 5 bucks to complain about being hungry every ten minutes.  And if you have more than one child?  While your back was turned, I gave all of them stickers, but with vast differences in size and quality, and they are about to turn this mall into the goddamn Octagon of Jealousy.
It’s cute that you think your stroller is going to fix this situation.  I slightly adjusted the wheel so it squeaks and I restructured the store layout so you’re forced to do like a 7-point turn to look at some Fortnite bullshit.
My coworkers and I are hoarding the gift boxes for the particular item you are purchasing.  There are at least 500 of them, but we will not be giving you any.  Later, we will make a simulacrum of you, complete with holiday sweater, and will burn you in effigy while singing “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”  I’ll Snapchat you the video.
While you’re visiting us, I intend to fully misunderstand every detailed instruction you give me about what you’re looking for (such as “I’m looking for a gift for my wife” and trailing off into silence, or “SLACKS?! I NEED LADIES’ SLACKS!”).  I have no interest in helping any other customers, or cleaning up fitting rooms, or answering the ringing phone, or sitting down.  My one true purpose today is to spend as much time with you as possible, because I can only feel joy while wasting the time of a stranger while failing to make a sale.
But wait, what’s that you say? Do you also need to make a return? *shivers* Oh, God, please say yes, and please say you don’t have a receipt.  Submitting to an adult tantrum about an item that looks like it was run over by that old dude in a Mercury and then worn through the plot of The Poseidon Adventure that we simply refuse to accept back is like having 40 orgasms at once.  If you do have a receipt, can you just get rid of it?  It’s so much better without one.  I promise to make your time at my register at least 15 minutes longer without a receipt than the 20 minutes it was already going to take just ’cause.  I’ll even throw in a phone call to customer service for you – I paid them off earlier today to say the exact same thing I just told you.
At the moment you are ready to check out, my coordinated strike team will jump into line right in front of you, and all of them want to use multiple forms of payment, and all of them need gift receipts.  Half of them also have coupons that won’t scan.
And speaking of coupons, while you were in the restroom and asked me to watch your kids for a minute because that is a thing I very super want to and am paid to do, I changed the expiration dates on your coupons and none of them are valid.  If I could genuinely change the entire date and time of the world in order to make your coupons expired, I would, but all I can do is change the expiration dates and then refuse to accept them.
We definitely gift wrap here. I definitely know how to gift wrap.  I’m just saying that I don’t know how and that we don’t have gift wrap because I get a little bit high off of your angry face.
Once your visit to my store is complete, I’ll be giving you incorrect directions to your next destination on purpose, and between “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays,” I will use the parting salutation that will anger you most.  Good luck with the Odysseys.

A definitive ranking of household chores

Once again, I don’t make the rules, I just report them

All complaints can be directed to our complaint department which is an incinerator jaykay all your opinions are valuable and I’m happy to hear them

This list is inspired by our cleaning of most of our house a week ago Sunday and waking up the next morning in lots of pain, and it was further inspired by my being just a general brat with opinions

This ranking is out of ten as always but more means it sucks more because there is no such thing as a 10/10 household chore unless tweeting and petting my dog while she eats peanut butter out of a bone counts as a household chore which I’m guessing it doesn’t Continue reading “A definitive ranking of household chores”

Highlights and lowlights of dog ownership

Not a Meathead Monday post, but hopefully the pupdate will make up for it.  Donate button is to ya right and will be used for peanut butter for Bailey.

The Majestic Bailey has now been a part of our household for 6 months, and not to brag, but she is absolutely killing it as a dog.  Just top-notch dog behavior.  She is the cutest thing in the entire world and has gotten a little bit bigger and she needs to be able to go to the dog park like, yesterday.  Seriously, please wish for warmer weather because she misses her friends and needs to drag race them.  She has made a friend named Lola at our complex’s small dog park and they run around so good, which helps a lot, but I want to take her where there are like 30 dogs.

We have lucked out enormously with her behavior- and difficulty-wise, and while I love all dogs, I am very thankful that she is 85% chill.  She doesn’t bark (she has barked maybe 20 times in 6 months and it has nearly always been because we were sassing her); she is chill with all other dogs and all other people; she came to us housebroken and had one accident her first week and that was on us because we were like “you just went out you don’t have to go again” SPOILER ALERT she DID have to go again; she is a very good eater and isn’t picky; she is crate-trained, and while we do our best to have her out of there as much as possible she goes in without protest; she is Supremely Unbothered by literally everything.  She is…not small, so it is like, a lotta dog in our not-huge house, and she can get mouthy sometimes, but she’s just a very good girl who gets excited.

life is so hard when u r adorable
SO HARD U GUYS

There are certain highlights and lowlights of doggie ownership that are somewhat universal.

Continue reading “Highlights and lowlights of dog ownership”

Skincare and makeup done by a sad woman

I did a face mask post a little while back on a request, and while this is not on a request, I wanted to write it, so I am writing it.  wow much story so detail what is wrong with me donate button over there for contributing to my face

I am, uh… not great when it comes to traditionally feminine things.  I’m significantly more comfortable in pants, my hair styling can be described as “I wash it,” and bright colors terrify me.  For a while, I was also grossly convinced that my lack of interest in “girly” stuff made me somehow superior.  That is, thank God, no longer the truth, but I kind of swung back in the other direction too hard, and had NO idea how to do any makeup and was too scared to try, even though I wanted to, and this was true through like, most of law school? And several years ago?  I maybe would put on some powder with a crappy brush I got at CVS 6 years ago and had never washed and OOOOH BREAK OUT THE BIG GUNS with mascara. My makeup style could be described as *John Mulaney voice* “you know when you’re 12 and you’re like ‘no one look at me or I’ll kill myself!'”

Enter Sephora.  I re-purchased some non-matched, non-tested powder foundation and got samples and earned a reward or something and was like “oooh this is kinda nice I see why people do it” and I tried, y’all, I really did.  I figured out a primer that works for me and that I still use, and I bought a perfume, and that was apparently enough effort for like another 3 years.

Then I started working, as a lawyer, and was like “oh no they’re all put together” about other female lawyers, and this was the final push for me to at least look like I tried to do something about my appearance.  Is it annoying? Yep!  Is it kinda bullshit that I’ve seen older male attorneys stroll up unshaven with a messy tie and sneakers on and no one cares but if I don’t do a winged eyeliner I’m the one who looks like a slob? Yep!  Do I do a winged eyeliner? Nope! I am still scared of that!

While part of me resents having to care about my appearance to Make It in the Professional World, a larger part of me is shrugging and/or kind of interested in how makeup can do stuff to your face.  I’m still very much into the “natural looking” makeup style (see above: don’t look at me) but I don’t hate my routine, I feel more confident with it, and there is a somewhat indulgent soothing aspect to the ritual of putting on your stuff in the morning. Me Time.  I also got a little bit into skin care stuff, and that’s been fun and even more indulgent because there’s no presentation aspect to the skin care stuff and I get to be in PJs for it.

ANYWAY, HERE’S MY STUFF Continue reading “Skincare and makeup done by a sad woman”

Sometimes I work retail and weird things happen

Yes hi, it me, ur friendly neighborhood lawyer who also is a register jockey sometimes.  Something something side hustle something gig economy something student loans something store discount something broke.  (Like, sidenote, yes I realize I am an attorney but if y’all haven’t been keeping up with the news in the legal market, salaries are low and hard to find and the millenial struggle is extra struggle-y in my profession of choice so I do this too. They’re both service jobs, let’s be real.)

There is also a frustrating aspect to working retail while also working as an attorney, and it is that people treat you differently when they find out you’re an attorney and also working retail.  I myself have been guilty of profession-dropping when I want to impress a customer (I’m not *just* a sales associate, I have two degrees, I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life) and also doing it when someone is being the worst.  Sometimes people will say “why are you working here if you’re a lawyer?” and to that I give my above explanation while thinking “why are you asking dickish questions if you’re a stranger?”

ANYWAY

My retail gig is great (love my coworkers love my managers work is decidedly Not Bad) but it is still ridiculously wacky.  And there are still some unusual scenarios that pop up specifically during the holidays and especially on Black Friday and here are some that have happened recently.

Wow, it’s busy, I have some returns

I don’t ever know what to tell to the person who decides to process all of their returns on the busiest shopping day of the year.  This is like showing up to a park at 9 PM on the 4th of July looking to play some frisbee and saying to an employee “wow, there sure are a lot of fireworks here! anywhere I could toss this disk around?” Like, yes, we can help you, but why. Why are you like this.

I do not need to hear about your struggles to find parking on this the day of Our Retail Lord because those two pairs of khakis could simply not live in your home any longer.  This is on you, champ.

A minor version of this happens every Saturday until the new year. “Wow, I had some trouble parking, it’s so busy!”

Me, crazed, shrieking: IS IT NO WAY

Customer: anyway I bought this in 1957 and I don’t have a receipt

Me: *twitching*

Please tell me what my loved ones would like for Christmas

“I’m trying to find a gift for my wife, what would you recommend?”

Uh

I mean

Like, talking to her would be a good start

I can (and have!) gone forward from this place, asking what she likes to do for fun, if she has a favorite color, what her favorite outfits are, and what the guy is looking to spend, because I ALWAYS BE CLOSING and I am a goddamn professional. However, it always blows my mind that a husband thinks asking me for a gift idea for his wife is the right call.  Like, by virtue of being another human woman I somehow have a greater insight into her wants than you do, and you’re a human man who lives with her.  Homie, I don’t know your wife.  I don’t know her hopes and dreams, and while we do both enjoy the ever-present shadow of sexism, I have no idea what will make her happy.  She might think Daario’s characterization on Game of Thrones is fine.  She might Also, please, for the love of God, know her size, so you don’t gesture towards me and my body and go “she’s about your height, I think, but uh…”

Me: thinner?

him: yeah

Lemme get your wife a sweater and be excused to scream

Women, What Do They Want, What A Mystery, So Mysterious

My ‘office’ is visible at all times

Not that all non-service jobs are a blast (like if you’re doing construction work I can’t even imagine how physically demanding your work is), but the most frustrating part is how your customers see you do every part of it and don’t think that there is any kind of barrier that shouldn’t be crossed.  I’ve gotten tapped on the shoulder while working with another customer because this one COULDN’T WAIT (sidenote: don’t touch me), but I’ve also gotten asked for help while I was mid-sneezing or coughing. In an office setting, you would ask your coworker if she’s okay, not be like “do you have this in a petite large?” We might, but I can’t breathe at the moment, so you gon’ have to wait.

My personal fave is when people start shopping a pile of stuff that needs to get placed on the floor.  This weekend, I had a rack of cardboard boxes, all filled with holiday items (food, ornaments, etc.) and was trying to fill in the stuff we’d sold.  A lady came up and started rummaging around in one of the boxes and my lawyer brain went “oh GOD she’ll drop the heaviest item on her toe and then we’ll find out she’s a toe model and that toe is her livelihood and we’ll have to pay out her earnings forever and I’ll get fired and the company will go under because TOE”

What I actually said was “is there anything I can help you find?  I’ve been trying to get these out but I’m not finished so we may have more items”

Her: “I was going to say, this is the oddest display I’ve ever seen!”

Ma’am

MA’AM

Do you also walk directly into a recently-poured sidewalk slab and say “this is a very odd concrete!” LOOK, WITH YOUR EYES, THAT ARE IN YOUR HEAD, WITH YOUR BRAIN, PLEASE, MAKE AN EFFORT

I’m gonna come in and rearrange your Outlook calendar in your office SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT

I misread my coupon and now I must Murder

See also “I left my coupon at home,” “no I’m positive it said 80% off,” “I got these for full price 17 months ago and I’d like a price adjustment,” “why do I need to pay money in exchange for goods,” “my solution to the problem of not wanting to give a business any money is to berate the lowest rung of authority hostage-situation-style until my demands are met,” etc. etc. sobsobcry.

I’ve had *so* *many* frustrating discussions with people about their not wanting to pay an advertised price for an item.  I absolutely understand that it is frustrating to get to the payment step of a purchase and need to shell out more money than you expected, I get that, I really do.  But the price I’m quoting you isn’t generated by that little popcorn ball thing they pick lottery numbers out of.  The computer says “hey yeah this coat is this number of dollars” and if you have a coupon in your hand or if there is a sale I can tell the computer “hey this barcode and set of numbers will tell you that no it is actually a fraction less” but without that barcode I am up dollars creek without a coupon and so are you.

My store is doing a promotion at this time where if you spend fifty dollaroonis you will get a ten-dollar gift card to the store that is good on your next purchase.  It legitimately won’t work until the next day.  And I’ve had like, Dynasty-level fights over “WHERE IS MY TEN DOLLARS OFF” uhhh ma’am, if I can just direct you to the words, on the ad, where it says Not That.  “They just want you to come back in the store!” Hell yes, they do.  This is capitalism.  They give coupons to get you into the store, comrade, and they’ll be damned if they pass up a chance to bleed you dry some more.

My most challenging battle so far This Holiday Season was a lady who came in on Black Friday with a receipt for things she bought 3 days prior to Black Friday, which were not on sale, but now they were.  We were not doing price adjustments.  “But they’re on sale now!” Sure! Yes they are!  Because it is Black Friday!  You made the decision to secure these items earlier rather than risk the possibility that they would no longer be available on a sale day. Choices! Freedom! Risk Assessment!

Surprisingly, this was not a sufficient answer for this person (I didn’t actually say this don’t you worry), who told me that she had just been to Abercrombie, and they had let her do this.  Sucks to your Ass-bercrombie-mar, ma’am, and if you love Abercrombie so much why don’t you marry it.  I did not say this, either, but rather walked her through the repurchase of all of her items at the day’s sale price so that she could then return each item for which she had paid full price.  She was doing this for her daughter, who has 8 children, and “needs all the help she can get” with discounts and coupons.

Congrats on her fertility, but objection: relevance.

Aggressively wishing ‘Merry Christmas’

I am coming from a place of privilege and do not care if someone casually says “Merry Christmas” because that is a holiday I celebrate. I would also not care if they said “Happy [Anything Else]” because it affects me zero percent but this is still a majority-Christian nation so that hasn’t happened ANYWAY

A lot of people do say “Merry Christmas” in a casual way, not as a Statement, and *shrug* whatever.  However, I do get a decent number of people who are like “I am a sergeant in the War on Christmas” and will make uncomfortable eye contact with me and say “Merry Christmas” and kind of wait for the paratroopers with reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and “Happy Honda-days” banners to come from the sky or something and are so smugly proud of themselves for being brave.

However.  I wear a name tag at work.  My name is Christina.  My guy’s name is *in my name.*  It is not so much bravery to tell me Merry Christmas to my face as it is equivalent to showing up at a baptism for Jesus McNazareth and looking his parents in the eye and saying “Merry Christmas.”

People, I love Jesus.  He is the best, and I’m super psyched to celebrate Christmas because for me it is the night of my dear Savior’s birth.  But trying to start fights with a cashier in December is not The Reason for the Season.

How you can help

You don’t need to help.  You’re doing great.  If you’re reading this and laughing, you’re not part of the problem.  Especially millenials and genXers: you guys are all the politest group of economically-depressed bits of sunshine and you’re doing amazing, sweetie.

Meathead Mondays: Vin Diesel

I honestly debated saving my Vinny till later, just to savor the slow burn of my readers’ anticipation oh my GOD I am joking you were not waiting for this post but you’re reading it anyway and I thank you for that, it makes me feel relevant.

There was truly no way I would skip my precious hard-boiled-egghead bb Mr. Diesel, whom I adore with the fire of a thousand suns and zero shirt sleeves, and given the Fast and Furious beef that has now extended into a second year, I figured this is as good a time as any to talk about my fuel-efficient commercial trucker of a person.

[Aside: Vin’s got one or two crappy interviews under his belt with female interviewers where he calls them beautiful and they’re just trying to do their jobs: I’m not psyched or defending those, all your faves are problematic, etc etc] Continue reading “Meathead Mondays: Vin Diesel”

Meathead Mondays: Chris Hemsworth

Hey friends.  Here is the first post in a series I will be doing called “Meathead Mondays.”  In this series, I will be discussing my personal favorite muscle-y, earnest action movie heroes, and what better way to start than with Chris Hemsworth, currently starring in Thor: Ragnarok, and frankly, knocking it out of the goddamn park.  Seriously if you haven’t seen this frenetic hilarious masterpiece just go, now. Continue reading “Meathead Mondays: Chris Hemsworth”

Face masks done by a sad woman

This post was requested by the lovely Adrienne, and while I’m not sure this is exactly what she thought of when she suggested that I discuss my use of face masks, I still very much hope she enjoys it. <3

Kids I love me the hell out of a face mask.  They are one of my favorite **self-care** things to do in the entire world, and as a bonus, if I don’t tell my husband that I’m putting one on, I get to terrify him with my visage.  “What’s wrong with your face??” is music to my trollololol ears.  When I been up straight for nine days I need a spa day I don’t get one but I do put stuff on my forehead and it’s basically the same.  Here’s the process. Continue reading “Face masks done by a sad woman”