A definitive ranking of household chores

Once again, I don’t make the rules, I just report them

All complaints can be directed to our complaint department which is an incinerator jaykay all your opinions are valuable and I’m happy to hear them

This list is inspired by our cleaning of most of our house a week ago Sunday and waking up the next morning in lots of pain, and it was further inspired by my being just a general brat with opinions

This ranking is out of ten as always but more means it sucks more because there is no such thing as a 10/10 household chore unless tweeting and petting my dog while she eats peanut butter out of a bone counts as a household chore which I’m guessing it doesn’t

• Dusting – 3/10
  • Really not the worst, could be significantly more horrible
  • Has that element of feeling fancy even though you’re like, using a weird Swiffer, because butlers dust, right, so your house is basically a butler kind of house, and white gloves are involved
  • Has a really good ratio of “effort/amount it looks clean”
    • You don’t try super hard and your surfaces look significantly better than they did before
  • Does have the sneezing hazard but that’s it, no bad smells
  • If you have some kind of duster with a decently long handle you can pretend swordfight your roommate/SO and you can also pretend to knight your dog
    • Not that I’ve done those things
      • Sir Bailey of the Nylabone is her name
        • Yes she’s a girldog my canine-knighthood my rules

• Dusting a high thing like ceiling fan blades – 6/10
  • EASILY TWICE AS WORSE
  • IT’S LIKE THE DUST DECIDES TO ATTACK YOUR FACE
  • I DIDN’T ASK FOR GRAY MATTIFYING POWDER, CEILING FAN

• Unloading the dishwasher – 2/10
  • Not that I *enjoy* this chore all that much but tbh I really don’t hate it!!
  • You get to stack all the plates up like an amateur Strongman competition and look like a very important person with the plates
    • Be our guest, be our guest, put our biceps to the test
  • Also if you put things away you know exactly where they are if there’s any kind of battle in the house about where a certain item goes you get to be the temporary winner
  • Sometimes the top rack will leave those little water puddles on the bottoms of mugs and glasses and that sucks and isn’t fun but as long as it is just a little water it can get taken care of with a paper towel and then woooo done and your cabinets look so good and full

• Loading the dishwasher – 9/10
  • ABSOLUTELY NOT
  • OH, GOD, I HATE THIS ONE SO BAD
  • I am not necessarily easily repulsed (blood is fine, I regularly grab stuff out of my dog’s mouth, I practice law) but holy God in heaven do I hate dealing with dining implements that have recently touched food especially if they have been rinsed or “soaked” or whatever ahhhhh nononono I don’t even want to think about it
  • There is also this known fact about marriage: it is a partnership of love, respect, and insisting that the other party loads the dishwasher like an unlearned raccoon
    • ANDREW I LOVE YOU BUT THE PLATES WERE FINE WHERE THEY WERE BEFORE

• Putting clothes into the washing machine -2/10
  • Really not that bad, tbh
  • Yeah, you have to sort them, but it’s mostly like “let’s not put my lifetime-of-welding jeans in with my tissue-paper work shirts”
    • Side note how do I wear out work shirts I am literally just sitting there typing furiously

• Moving wet clothes from the washing machine to the dryer – 5/10
  • *whiiiiiiiine*
  • Ugh, they’re all soaked, and heavy, and yes I understand that washing happens with water, but I gotta go through and separate them otherwise my socks will never dry while my t-shirts are on fire
  • And I have to go through and sort the stupid stuff that needs to Lie Flat to Dry
    • We all have to lie flat sometimes, sweater, you’re not special, I’m tired too
  • And once I started working out frequently I found out that you’re not supposed to dry most tech fabrics with fabric softener because it like, ruins their techiness, or something?
    • Idk but Nike Pro Crops I love you but you can go hang, literally, on my drying rack, because you are also special
  • Plus side, laundry does smell good
  • Also this chore does not take all that long

• Unloading the clothes from the dryer, folding them, and putting them away – 10/10
  • Tbh you’d have better luck telling me to climb K2
  • THE WORST, THE ABSOLUTE WORST
  • Ugh, they have to be taken out promptly, like this is the goddamn moon landing, otherwise they will have WRINKLES which is UNPROFESSIONAL and NOT DONE and SIGNALS the END OF DAYS
    • Everything I own including my face has wrinkles hashtag deal with it hashtag don’t sweat the little stuff hashtag because the big stuff is so overwhelmingly terrible and you recently switched psych meds hashtag shut up, Christina
  • Then, you have to fold them, which… okay, I’m actually really good at folding, to the point where my husband is like “how did you do that”
    • “Like 8 years of retail work and a very intense mother”
    • Shirts look great, pants are a little tougher, not but seriously I can fold your stuff
      • I just super don’t want to
  • And then once you’re done with that you have to PUT IT AWAY???? WILL THE SUFFERING EVER END????

• Vacuuming – 4/10
  • The badness on this one comes from two things: needing to move the stuff on the floor so you can vacuum, and subsequently needing to cut your hair out of the vacuum
    • I know you’re thinking like “tables and chairs aren’t that hard to move!”
      • You’re correct
        • But
          • I have to move my entire life when I vacuum because I am a refuse-golem who lives like an unchecked magpie and all of my things are on all of the floors all of the time
          • STRUGGLE
    • The hair thing is genuinely not my fault, tho, it is just my hair doin’ its hair thing
      • Short-haired folks may never have this issue, but your vacuum becomes like a fire hazard because it is trying so hard but not getting so far and is reeeeeeally hot and you have to get scissors and slice out your strands from the brushes
  • Wait, sorry, this makes it sound like this chore is higher on the list than it should be – vacuuming is okay!
    • You get to do arms day with a Dynamic Movement or something idk my arms are usually sore afterwards
    • Plus, as we all know, a vacuum is the best dance accessory in the world
      • If you don’t have the answer/ why you still standin’ here?/ hey hey hey heyyyy, just walk away
    • You get to have your jamz on and hope that no one comes up to you while you’re trying to whip and nae nae

• Scrubbing showers/baths/tiles – 7/10
  • I feel better after I have done this chore, because it requires you to get on the floor with like battery acid and scrub like Miss Hannigan told you to so and my life is nothing but a set of humblebrags about how hard I have worked and o, how I have struggled and this one is Peak Valid Complaining
    • SPEAKING OF VALID COMPLAINING THIS CHORE SUCKS
    • Scrubbing Bubbles makes it sound sweet and adorable and flower-scented but this stuff is like if Bath and Body Works made “Cucumber Melon Oven Cleaner” as a scent
    • Also, even if I clean like, SO MUCH, there is just going to be some buildup because time has passed
      • Therefore, I feel like a lazy POS for not scrubbing harder, when I should just be like “the world is fallen and so are the corners of this shower”

• Feeding the dog – 0/10
  • This is a delight, it is always a delight, I just love her SO VERY MUCH
  • I accidentally tried to scoop her food with the wrong side of our scoop and wasn’t picking up any food but instead of getting frustrated I was like “awww Bailey! This won’t work!  You’re hungry!” and looked into her little pup eyes and was just warmed to my toes
  • I make her wait before she chows down, and even though she is a srs chomper, it is still adorable and I am keeping my puppo alive and healthy and ahhhhh I’LL DO THIS CHORE FOREVER

This has been Chore Ranking I hope you agree with all of my opinions because they are correct