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Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones, Season 8, Episode 1: Winterfell

April 16, 2019

yesssssss

Ohhhhh my goodness, guys, I’m so happy to be back typing about my favorite monochrome murdershow. It feels like it was only yesterday that I was incredibly angry about Season 7, and that’s because it was yesterday; I have been angry about Season 7 every day since it aired. But now we have a whole new season for me to emote over, and I know you were all waiting for my hot takes, so here I go again on my own.

If you are new to this blog: my previous spoiler policy is not super useful, as it related to the books and we are well past them, but obvious spoilers for the episode I’m reviewing. I also used to breakdown my review by the geographical location of the characters, but that looks like it is gonna be a tough thing to do with nearly everybody in one in a maximum of two spots, so I am going to break this episode down by scenes/relationships. I also swear a lot but, like, the show is the most adult thing ever.

And as a gentle beginning immersion into my feelings: I quite liked this episode. It was a methodical, detailed set piece for the dangerous free kick that is episode 2 and the rest of the season. That metaphor made no sense but I am very excited for the women’s World Cup so my brain is Thrones and soccer right now. If the rest of the season looks like this plus a lot of sobbing, I’ll be very pleased.

Additionally, I’ll be using at least one screengrab from every Chrys Reviews post, because they are perfect, and so that link goes to her Patreon. I’m a supporter and if you have some extra dollars please give them to her, she’s great.

Sansa/Tyrion

This scene was your first sip of black dark roast coffee in the morning. It’s gonna hurt a little and then it’s gonna be a nice little jolt of energy that you’re hoping you can maintain. I liked it very much a lot thank you. Sansa’s initial look to Tyrion carried a nice mix of “I don’t hate you but if you test me I will launch you off this deck; Petyr Baelish tried to be shady to me here too; this is my Deck of Sacrifices for Sketchy Dudes Who Don’t Respect Me” and I am very here for it. Tyrion had a reasonable amount of respect for Sansa all the way back in season 2, and on her list of people she hates, he’s probably pretty far down at this point. They aren’t friends, but they aren’t enemies, quite. I can’t get a read on whether Tyrion’s being Hand of the Queen could make her more accepting or less accepting of Dany (I’m leaning more, but I don’t have a great reason why, just a feeling), but I am weirdly excited to see how these two people handle the coming mess. Neither are warriors, both are pretty damaged, they both want to be right, and neither of them want to die via White Walker, so they will be a fascinating set of parallel train tracks for this season.

Plus if Sansa is gonna read people for filth about trusting Cersei and drop jokes like “it had its moments” about Joffrey’s wedding, I will attempt to bottle her attitude as a bath bomb and use it and sell it.

“Many underestimated you. Most of them are dead now.” MOOD

Sansa/Jon and The Problem

Yes my tall beautiful faerie goddess tell your doofus big brother that he’s thinking with his dick because he super is. Again, really liked this scene. She was supportive of him and his decisions in public, in the throne room, but she is very gonna check in with her pocket-sized smouldercousin if she thinks he’s being the lovesick idiot he can frequently be. And, to be fair, they are both kinda right! Sansa is right, Daenerys is a stranger in the North, and Jon left Winterfell a king and came back… well, not a king, and with a scary lady who makes jokes about her firedinos eating your children. Jon should be a little wary of her motives and how this will end. And Jon is also right: they need her firedinos, they need her Dothraki army, they need her Unsullied, they need to not die before they can govern.

And we saw this argument come to a weird head in the throne room, too, when Lyanna Mormont goes all “you bent the what to the who now” and the room gets angry and I was low-key waiting for some Umber lord to yell “YOU COASTAL ELITES” from the back of the room. They don’t like change. They don’t like Targaryens (okay this one is fair). They extra don’t like dragons. And they are all looking at Dany as another Aerys Targaryen II in waiting if Aerys II had dragons. They are scared, and I don’t totally blame them. And then Sansa (bless u to the stars this fandom doesn’t deserve you) clears her throat and is like

JON WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BRINGING FRIENDS HOME FOR SUPPER

Jon, shyly: to always check with you first before I invite them

Sansa: AND WHAT DIDN’T YOU DO

Jon, even more quietly: check with you

Chrys Reviews, bless u

She’s right! “How will we feed everyone” is a vital logistics problem, especially since everywhere on the continent that can actually grow stuff kinda good is in Lannister hands. And for Dany to reply with “whatever they want” to “what do dragons eat” is 1. *groan* such a bad line and 2. NOT A WORKABLE SOLUTION, HONEY.

Dany: there ain’t no budget when I’m on the set

Sansa: thank u, next

This could be great, guys. I’m not shooting this potential rivalry out of the sky immediately. It could be a nuanced, layered, serious look at what ruling during war looks like during ruling during peace. My friend Baird described it as a “conquest v. ruling plotline” and if they do it right, that would be so boss.

However, this is a show that wasted Sansa and Arya in a falsified cat and mouse game for a third of Season 7 for no good goddamn reason so unlike Brendon Urie I do not gotta have high high hopes for a living and I will leave my hopes in the Winterfell crypts until further notice.

Arya/every one of her emotions as a person

That intro tho, of people walking in and Arya just being like “I’m not dying but this is in fact my life flashing before my eyes, so, uh”

In fairness I also got pretty dang excited watching A Girl Has Seen Some Shit be smiley over Jon and Gendry and even Sandor.

Her moment with Sandor was honestly perfect??? I know it felt a little fan-service-y but I think Sandor has grudging respect for anyone who is alive at any time (Sandor hates himself only marginally less than he hates everyone else and that keeps him alive) so being like “hi tiny nightmare I lived bitch” and then moving right along is absolutely in-character for him.

And Gendry calling Arya “milady,” oh my heart, oh every single chamber of my heart and several additional organs, I am fandom garbage and I wish to be fed this chicken McNugget dialogue for eternity. Yes, it’s a stretch that Gendry matters to this plot, or that he was brought back from Olympic rowing at all, but now that he’s here: yep, this works. Make him make these weapons. Make him make Arya a very specific weapon to hurt stuff with. Let him keep calling her “milady” and let her reply “you don’t know any other rich girls” and LET THEM KISS, PLEASE, I LOVE THIS STUPID SHIP AND I WANT TO BE HURT BY IT PLEASE, PLEASE. I went looking for fanfiction of them on Monday. Please give me this.

And Arya and Jon? I’m not crying, you’re crying, you’re all crying, stick ’em with the pointy end right in the first season feelings. This was good. The fact that they put them in front of the tree is good. The discussion over Needle is good.

I’m genuinely curious about how people saw this scene: I saw two people who have killed so many times knowing that this is also true of the person they are talking to. Jon knows Arya used Needle a lot. Arya knows Jon used his “fancy” Valyrian steel sword a lot. They are both holding off on saying this, because when they parted, they were both children, who wanted to do heroic things, and they’ve had to watch themselves become executioners and they’ve liked it to varying degrees. Talking about it will be uncomfortable, and they don’t have time or energy for a recap. But hey this is how I saw the scene, and Twitter seemed to think both of them were very much like “I have only murdered AT MOST two people” but lemme know where you stand.

And maybe I’m wrong, and I read way too far into this dialogue, but this relationship, y’all. And hearing Arya call Sansa “the smartest person I’ve ever met” is phenomenal and my drug of choice. Good. Good job everyone. I’m bringing cookies tomorrow and you can all have five if you want.

Dany/Jon/dragons

First of two parts for this episode because I am extra as hell on this topic

If someone knows this answer can you tell me? Did the show ever explicitly say that Targs are the only ones who can ride dragons? I have this idea in my head that it did but I don’t know when I learned it so it might have been in the books? Or is it not a thing for these characters? Basically, should everyone be losing their shit over Jon riding Rhaegal because it implies something about his heritage, or nah? I should know the answer to this, and I don’t, and I’m ashamed.

This scene was dumb and bad, I’m sorry. Andrew asked “what are they even doing here” and because I am a brat I replied with “blowing through their CGI budget.” I was hoping they’d get back to Winterfell and we’d finally see Ghost (remember Jon the animal that you’ve spent years bonding with) and he’d walk up to Jon and smell dragon on him and then like pee on his boots. Or he just falls off the dragon. But in this fuckin’ show Benjen Stark would catch him or some shit ANYWAY

For me, one of the worst Danys is “Dany being smug about her dragons.” Sassing Jon like it’s not totally reasonable for him to be like “how tf do I ride your firedino” is just lazy writing masquerading as Strong Female Character and I’m not here for it. For further reference please see Season 4 and “but my dragons made no such promises, and you threatened their mother.” *sighs enormously* okay, you know what, motherfucker, if you are the government and you are making a deal with some people they can reasonably assume that your scary Charizards are state actors and are bound by this deal as well. You suck at diplomacy and Sansa will 100% kill one of your Pokemon of Death to feed the North.

Also WHERE IS GHOST. WHERE. IS. GHOST. We can have a minutes-long dragon flyover that looks like a combination of Harry riding Buckbeak in Prisoner of Azkaban plus that thing they do with the planes before NASCAR races but we can’t put ten dollars of CGI into our only remaining housebroken direwolf?

Bronn

What did this casting listing even look like? “hey yo ladiez can you come be naked for like 8 seconds because we wanna do a quick throwback to when the show was criticized for putting sex scenes and nudity in the background of stuff for no reason”

“super vintage”

“no of course you won’t get names are you kidding”

“also we will imply one of you has syphilis”

Minor good thing: Qyburn giving Bronn this weapon and this assignment. He’ll do it, he wants his castle, he is hired edged muscle and this is what he does, and regardless of whether Qyburn is lying, Bronn wants a castle real bad and there is a non-zero chance he’d succeed at this mission.

Major bad thing: there are only six episodes of this season, there are now five episodes left of the entire show, and if we spend an additional nanosecond on the state of Bronn’s penis I will riot

Cersei

Can we get her some elephants, please? There’s no Hannibal, there’s no Alps, where are the elephants, she just wants some elephants. No, I don’t know why I liked this plot point so much either. Also heyyyy Harry Strickland, you’re looking very generic and strong. Cersei you should marry him he is blond and doesn’t smell like mildew and clove cigarettes and small dick energy

on that note

Euron/Yara/Theon

Good, we did this rescue fast, we do not have to drag it out, I liked it, Yara def would hit Theon, yes good. Yara noting that the Iron Islands are an escape is spot-on (and in this world there’s apparently a ton of trees to cut down yes I’m still bitter about that no I will not drop this grudge what is dead may never die) and Theon calling her his queen was a little misty-eyed moment for me. And of course Theon wants to go fight at Winterfell. My guy is absolutely gonna die, he’s gonna die trying to protect the remaining Starks, it is gonna hurt because I have hella complicated feelings about his character. I don’t know this for a fact, no, but this is my honest guess, and I think I’m right.

and to prove that I am right, please enjoy several Chrys Reviews caps that I saw after I wrote this

Remember how I said I actually quite liked this episode? There was, *ahem* a notable exception

Euron. Euron happened. Euron dressing like the pickup artist Mystery was strapped to the hull of a ship for a year while it sailed through the Sea of Misogyny and Please Die. Euron wearing what I can only describe as a duster made out of a fishing net that absolutely smells like the contents of a swim-up bar after three days of spring break drink specials when he goes to see the queen he wants to bang. Euron being so terrible at keeping a captive that rescuing Yara isn’t even a story arc, it’s resolved already. (which, good, but also he sucks at everything.) Sex with Euron Greyjoy: when you want the sensation of getting fucked by a flounder that left a clump of steel wool in its kitchen sink drain for six months and then glued it to its face.

I don’t know if Cersei and Euron together is supposed to be some kind of weird thing with her pregnancy and having a supposed non-brother father for her kid, but I really have no idea what the point is. We are already done with one episode of the six remaining episodes of the whole damn show, and I swear to R’hllor if we spend another microsecond on Euron fucking Greyjoy and his barnacle dick I will kill everyone involved and then myself. Get him off my screen.

People I gotta see more next ep

Brienne. And Podrick. And Jaime, who I was glad to see at Winterfell already (it’s okay, they are hopefully giving these characters space, but they had better.) Gilly (she should be in the dang show.) Missandei. Grey Worm.

Brienne, again. Ugh, this show is going to hurt me.

Tormund and the Brotherhood and the Night’s Watch

I appreciate the follow-up on these guys, I like how they handled it, and “I’ve always had blue eyes” is a gem of a line, well done. Also I got to see Dolorous Edd which is a delight and boy howdy I’d like to see him live through this show just to score one for us depressed people.

However, if we could never, ever, ever forever have another scene like the Glover boy nailed to the wall and then WAKING UP SCREAMING AS A WIGHT both I and my delicate heart rate would appreciate it. A million props to the show for doing this scene, as it was genuinely the scariest thing I’ve seen on the whole dang series, but also never do it again thank you I need some tea and a soft large blanket.

Does it sound like I’m leaving something major out from this episode? Best for last, y’all

Samwell Tarly

This is the official start of John Bradley’s Emmy campaign right here. I’ve been an enormous fan of him as a person starting a bunch of years back when I started listening to the cast being interviewed, because he is a generous, hilarious delight who is so thrilled to be playing Sam and to be a part of this cast and this show and he has explained plot points to so many interviewers and talked about Kit’s bachelor party going go-karting and how he was terrible at it and I just *makes fist* like him so flippin’ much. He’s gonna be at Con of Thrones this year and I have found myself Google Maps-ing the drive to Nashville several times this week already.

And that is just him being John Bradley; I think he’s done amazing acting work with this character and it’s never been more clear than in this episode. He’s been very good at the role since day 1, and has had several exceptional moments (“open the fucking gate” at Castle Black; his time at Horn Hill) but this was just exquisitely heartbreaking.

I’m glad they wrapped this up early and didn’t drag it out, and I’m glad they addressed the fact that Dany is not evil, but she is not all good, either. (as a sidenote, did Jorah the Fedora have laryngitis that day or something he literally said nothing despite staring at the dude who saved his life idk idk) I wish the show let Dany do more work in that gray area, since many fans (and the writers, tbh) seem content to just be like YEAH BADASS DRAGON LADY or UNREDEEMABLE WAR CRIMINAL and I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. John even gave an interview where he offered up what he thought Sam’s emotions were during this scene, but did not say they were his, and I like that – this show is all gray areas EXCEPT FOR SAMWELL HIMSELF just kidding even him.

This was just perfect: perfectly acted, perfectly in character, and I am so pleased that they gave him the minutes and emotion to do it. Yes, Randyll Tarly sent his son to take the black under a threat of death; he was horrific to Sam and that was almost certainly never going to change. But Sam is acutely aware (and Bradley has confirmed that these were the direction notes he was given right before shooting) that it can never get better now; he can never fix it. And to try to put that positive spin on it by saying he’ll be allowed home, now, only to find out his brother is also dead? It’s not a Samwell thing to rejoice in someone’s death, even someone who threatened to kill him, and he is so relentlessly optimistic that I think he genuinely hoped that his family might be different someday. And how he just replies with “thank you for telling me”? It’s so deeply Sam: he does not make any sort of emotional fuss, ever, and he’s also almost too good at letting things go. He has things that need to get done, and he knows that mourning the family he wished he had is going to have to happen on his own time. He’ll be angry with and wary of Dany, but he trusts Jon, he knows the Night King is coming, and he can help. He’s so, so wrecked by this, and it wrecked me to watch him cry over a man who never saw his worth.

WHERE IS HIS EMMY

And while it is definitely a cop-out for Bran to be like “you are more his bestie you tell Jon” to Sam, I’m glad they continued this plot thread the way they did. I wish they were able to CORRECTLY LIGHT THE CRYPT FOR ONCE IN THIS GOSHDARN SHOW but whatever. And this show is infamous for having characters who respond with war and other violence when their family is harmed – not Samwell Tarly. Samwell Tarly hears Dany say that she roasted his family while they were prisoners and thanks her for telling him. Sam has to go do stuff. Sam left the Citadel because he had information that Jon needed to know. In the actual conversation, Sam would and does lead with the fact that Jon is legitimate, not that he’s in love with his aunt. And hearing Sam tell Jon that Ned Stark still did right by him was a nice little ending gut-punch: he’s right, Ned kept Jon safe the best way he knew how, and he cared for him, and Sam just found out about the death of his own father, a man who chained him to a wall for three days. Ned messed up, but Randyll Tarly was a nightmare to his son, and Sam just has to sit there and tell Jon that 1. his dad isn’t his dad 2. he’s the king, technically 3. his girlfriend burned his best friend’s family to death 4. his girlfriend is his aunt. We don’t deserve Sam.

Ya girl is biased to the stars but ya girl also hopes you agree with her.

Ya girl’s gonna end on a high note, especially in that the character might actually be high

Bran

If this thing he’s doing with just like sitting in his chair and staring at people is gonna continue I’m gonna be laughing way more than I thought I’d be laughing during this season. Bran Muffin out here like Adobe Reader got an update that accidentally deleted his emotions. Every shot of him just sitting there like a weirdo was a riot, but my personal favorite was Jon coming up and saying he’d become a man.

Jon: look at you, you’ve grown into a man

Bran: almost

Jon: … I do not have the time or emotional bandwidth to deal with you right now

ANYWAY friends as I said I very enjoyed this episode. People are going to die soon, so I’m trying to gear up for that, but I know I’m gonna get hurt real bad. We are off to a quality start, and I hope you’ll stick with me for the last ride into the sunset.

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

The Invisible Hand of the King

April 10, 2019

(or, the Game of Thrones stuff our delicious capitalist system is trying to sell me in advance of Season 8 and why it is working on every possible count)

Guys, I want every bit of this. All of it. Whatever you are. Give me it. I am such Thrones trash that if you put the Iron Throne on a package of a toothbrush I will aggressively be like I SEE IT, I LIKE IT, I WANT IT, I GOT IT and I need to stop. I’m typing this post in an effort to get me to stop, because maybe if I just type all of my wishes into a blog post and share them, people can talk me out of buying everything. Please. Please help.

Alcohol (specifically whiskey)

gimme dat fish

I can’t even recruit any readers’ help with this one, because I already own it. Do I drink? Maybe once a year. Am I gonna drink whiskey? Probably not. Did I still look for and let people know I was looking for the House Tully bottle of Glendullan whiskey? Yep. Is that a fancy kind? Probably, I don’t know, and I’m sorry, I know, I’m a mess, I just really wanted this bottle. It’s a drink I won’t drink in a glass bottle with a fish on it, I know this. I don’t care. Family, Duty, Honor, Swag. A million thanks to my friend Jordan for getting it for me, and I’ll be hanging on to the bottle because, uh, that’s a thing people do, right?

right?

anyway please someone else tell me you’ve also purchased one or all of these bottles so I can feel better about myself

Hodor door stop

Me: oh my word that is morbid as hell and is somewhat mocking of a disabled character and I don’t even have any doors that I need to prop open regularly

Also me: gimme the wood triangle now

DON’T LET ME GET ME, KIDS

THIS IS SO BAD, LIKE REALLY BAD, WHY DO I WANT IT

Urban Decay’s Game of Thrones collection of makeup

Guys it is lipsticks and eyeshadows which I legitimately never wear unless someone up to and including me is getting married and yet I still want every single high-priced piece

And then they have the audacity, the AUDACITY, to release two brushes for the eyeshadow that are swords from the series, specifically Longclaw and Needle, and I need them more than several of my lesser-used organs

“okay, but if you don’t wear eyeshadow, why would you want to buy brushes for the eyesha-“

I DIDN’T ASK YOU FOR YOUR CRITICISM, I CAME HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME BY HAVING A BAD TIME

Maybe I just wanna wave them around in my bathroom mirror while making swishing noises, okay? Is that so wrong? It’s not like I’m buying actual swords and waving them around! Even though yeah okay I’d totally do that too if I had the disposable income I would absolutely have my own personal Oathkeeper made and hung on my wall and maybe take some swordfighting lessons with it and make sure to lift some weights so I can properly Brienne and you know what you can SHUT IT I can hear you laughing YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME

Oreos

so many squigglies??

Yep, this is happening! There are Oreos! A tasty mass-produced cookie! With murdershow grimdark packaging! And they are regular Oreos! Not lemon-cake-flavored! They are just stamped with some sigils! And the packaging is the same plastic! Yet! I! Need! It!

Am I gonna save the stupid plastic? Like is that how this will go? I don’t even know how to properly collect all these products and I can’t save the Oreos, I’m gonna eat those, let’s not play, so do I save the packaging? Do I frame it? Is this gonna be like that paper where Truman holds up the “Dewey Defeats Truman” headline? Why am I like this???

Just gonna be like 90 years old and dragging any children I find to come stare at my Oreo packaging

“no, children, unfortunately this was not merely a phase in my life, as you can see by Grammy Christina’s facial tattoo saying ‘valar morghulis’ and her knuckle tatts saying ‘N O T T O D A Y'”

Adidas Ultra-Boosts

This might be the worst one. These things are $180, I don’t wear this sneaker anyway, and they are legit nothing but some colors related to the Houses and the insole saying “Game of Thrones.” They look like sneakers. This would be like Heinz releasing House Lannister ketchup and changing literally nothing and being like “it’s red tho look”

does ya girl want ’em anyway? BOY HOWDY DO I

John Varvatos + Game of Thrones

I lied this is the worst one

I can buy a men’s t-shirt that looks like a screen-printing I could find on any semi-shady Etsy seller plus as a bonus the neckline is stretched out for the low low price of NINETY-EIGHT DOLLARS

this is so bad it’s so bad

I can also buy some clothes to make me look like I’m about to die fighting my lord’s war for up to three grand

middle jacket is a cool $2,698

They look like they come pre-Flea-Bottom’ed and I can smell them from the picture

Did Varvatos see a clip of Euron and was like “okay but what if he were even more of a douchebag and paid the highest gold price for all of his stuff”

Varvatos: Game of Thrones AU where Euron is the worst guy in your MFA program and is trying out a new beard oil that smells like the receding tide

Actual leather-bound books of the series

also George why, with the R’s, it was barely okay for Tolkien

I have copies of all of them, I have an e-reader version of A Dance with Dragons, why on Earth would I need extra-fancy surplus copies of this series that isn’t finished and may have two more books(????) and the box definitely only holds the five so far oh God this is Martin’s way of saying get comfortable with disappointment I’m never releasing book 6 enjoy your sadness

Full-sized Iron Throne

This one is not new, but there is a raffle that the American Red Cross is doing for blood donors; if you come in to donate by the end of April they put you in a raffle to win a throne; yes of course I will donate

Yes throne want throne yes throne good

I hope I have made my point clearly, but if you need a summary for your current events assignment: this fan will buy literally anything with Thrones stuff on it, Sunday needs to be here now, and bless you all for reading this.

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

So how ’bout them Thrones, huh?

March 16, 2019

it begins

Hey everyone, did you miss my constant flow of A Song of Trash and Garbage? Well, it has returned, just in time to over-analyze everything before, during, and after Season 8; Kit Harington Gets to Cut His Hair Now.

Everyone has been so incredibly starved for news and controversy and just stuff to talk about that any single little thing about this final season makes The Mountain out of a molehill and I honestly can’t even blame anyone. It’s been nearly two years, this is the last season, the books are still incomplete, and people are ready to mount one last charge into this world before checking out completely and probably lying down for a few days. Everyone lost their dang minds after seeing the trailer (she said, acting like she didn’t herself have a major freakout), and everyone is screengrabbing and analyzing and crying and it’s just a whole lot, y’all.

The one thing I genuinely wish the news outlets would stop doing is treating promotional material like it is a hint to how this show ends. This is a show that films scenes that won’t actually appear in the show in order to throw off anyone who might publish spoilers, but please, tell me all about how Bran Stark sitting uncomfortably on a bunch of swords means he might be in charge of the Seven Kingdoms at the end. Homeboy isn’t even in charge of the modulation of his own voice. And for the trailer, it’s “Arya is running away! And talking about death! What if she dies????” Bruh erryone gonna die, probably, even her, everyone dies, death is just gonna swing back in like “sup u miss me?” Plot armor is for penultimate seasons, kids. Your faves outtie.

And what a perfect place to segue into what I really wanna talk about, which is how I’m now the bookmaker on a whole set of odds associated with those 20 character posters that HBO released a week or so ago. You’ll notice that they aren’t the odds that anyone will actually be permanently sitting the Iron Throne (this is both because I think everyone might die and also because *whispers* I genuinely think it may be best if the Seven Kingdoms split up in some way), but just my personal odds analyzing how much each character is likely to be chill and not annoy me in April and also just some facts and okay no there is no cohesion in what I put for each poster but what do we say to the god of caring? Not today

Sansa

Whoever instructed her to look slightly down at the camera, I love you, this is delicious

Odds that I’m gonna fight someone who says “I hated her in the first season but she’s really become a great character”: 100%

Odds that I will cry about this outfit she’s wearing at some point because it looks like Tully fish scales: 50% and the only reason is because I’ve already cried about it 

Varys

Odds that Varys will switch allegiances at some point in the final season: like a legit 25-30% especially if Dany and Jon don’t like each other as much if they can’t bone

Odds that Varys would full-on be the Lord of Whispers to the Night King if that were an option: 95% (the extra five percent is his out if the Night King is like “you can work for me but you can’t tell your ‘how I was cut’ story” and then homie will just bail because he MUST TELL IT)

Missandei and Grey Worm

Odds that this garbage show is gonna kill these two perfect sunflowers of determination and sweetness: 110%, there’s no way, even if they make it through the end of the war like a piano will fall on one of them because that’s JUST HOW LIFE IS, OKAY

Amount I wanna high-five whoever posed Grey Worm with that knife: all of the amount, love this poster

Melisandre and Theon Greyjoy

Odds these two are each getting a half-assed redemption arc because SOME people don’t know how to write characters who are ‘boring’ and prefer to allow them to do whatever the hell they want even if it is aggressively out of character and/or impossible in-world because they are shock jocks who can’t see the forest or the trees for the trees: 4,000%

Am I talking about Stannis Baratheon and Yara Greyjoy/Dorne: yep

Am I invested in these two above characters really at all: negative, Ghost Rider

Sandor Clegane 

Odds he dies: 100%, don’t @ me, guys, it’s def happening like come on

Odds we get a Cleganebowl: like a solid 75% now that those magazine covers came out with him and his broski 

How much of a dick move was it to put the one shot of him in the trailer framed by a fire: a big one, like, come on

Samwell Tarly

Do I relate to his level of discomfort in this promotional poster: big time 

Odds he’s gonna be important for the ultimate survival of men: like 85%, not kidding at all, I have a feeling he will make it to the end of the show and all of his book learning and/or book-locating skill will be put to the test as he figures out how to live during a very long winter

How much do I still love John Bradley, the objectively funniest of the cast: all of the amounts, please talk me out of trying to coordinate a trip to Tennessee later this year to meet him while he attends ConofThrones

Arya

Reasonable over/under for Arya’s body count this season if we get to count wights/White Walkers: 100, I think that’s fair, unless she develops like a medieval grenade

Odds that the show is going to just forget about her list of people she is gonna kill: 50%

Why 50%: because there are a few people still on it (Melly, Beric) who could be conveniently bye if she does knock them off, but if you think they are gonna bring back Ilyn Payne, whom we haven’t seen since Blackwater in season 2, like 

Percent I understand people who watched the beginning of the trailer and saw Arya running away and were like NO DON’T HURT MY PRECIOUS SMOL BEAN despite her being a murderpuppy who Isn’t Nice and would absolutely stab you in the stomach: 10%, she is adorable, I’ll give them that

Brienne

Percentage I am okay: 0%

Odds I’m gonna cry over her character at least once: 100%

Damage I’m gonna do if we don’t get a good scene with her and Jaime: all of it

People who got punched right in the heart over that scene of her and Podrick from the trailer lined up in front of soldiers: if it’s not every single one of you where is your soul

Jaime

Odds he is the valonqar: 100%

Actual odds he is the valonqar if you talk to people who aren’t me: like 75%-ish, yes, I see the other arguments I just choose to ignore them

This poster tho: right? damn

Am I choosing to Eternal Sunshine a certain scene from season 4 and all of his actions in season 5 in order to mentally save his redemption arc somehow: you bet your butt I am 

Brienne: *weeping* BRIENNE

Cersei

Odds on her living: none percent, like, come on

How angry I am that she’s gonna make me run my stupid bookreader mouth about the Golden Company: a lot, tbh

How many awards I wanna give to Lena Heady for that one scene from the trailer where she is teary-eyed and drinking wine: all of them, every award, ugh, she’s been great in this role and her outfit in this poster is V GOOD

Tyrion

Odds homie is also a secret Targ despite our having lost a dragon to the dumbest plot ever and now there can’t be three dragonriders and did the show even really explore how he could be a Targ because I don’t remember and why was he all by himself in the trailer what doofus thing does the plot have you doing now bruh don’t do it: what was the question

Miles away you’ll be able to hear me shouting if they shoehorn a love interest for him in this season especially if it is Dany: how far away is the sun

Odds he lives: 50%? I genuinely have no clue, y’all, let’s just watch together

Davos

My personal bad-feeling odds he’s gonna die: like at least 65% or so, guys, I have a bad feeling

Odds he will correct someone’s grammar this season in the style of Stannis the Mannis: 100% if the showrunners know what’s good for them 

Jorah the Fedora

Why are you not dead: 100%

Chance this show is gonna try to make me care about this galumphus before he nobly sacrifices himself for his khaleesi: 95%

Amount I will care: 2%, because I am not made of stone UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WHO *SHOULD* BE, BASED ON EVERYTHING IN THE PLOT

I TOO LOVE SAMWELL TARLY BUT JUST BECAUSE HE UPGRADED YOUR EXFOLIATOR FROM ST. IVES’ APRICOT SCRUB TO KATE SOMERVILLE DOES NOT MEAN YOUR EMOTIONALLY-COMPROMISED ASS GETS TO LIVE, BRUH

Bran Muffin

Articles I saw saying “is this a hint about Bran possibly becoming king of Westeros???”: one, no, really, I did

Chances this bozo of a show decides to drag out the R+L+marriage = legit J for a while because why else have Bran there: 65%

Odds we will have some more cool history about Targy Targ bastards because we have the Golden Company founded by one of ’em and then the previous three-eyed raven was another: 30% but that would be kinda cool just cast a fan of the show as Bittersteel for a hot second

ooooooh Bloooooodraven: I believe you can get me through the Long Niiiiiiight

Night King

Odds we will get a Pete Seeger clip from “Night Moves” to narrate something this bad boy does: 0%

Amount I want it anyway: 6000%

I don’t have an odds thing here, I just wanna give props to the designers and makeup artists and everyone else involved with these bad boys because they look incredible and they are creepy and powerful and I end up thinking of the bad things in “I Am Legend” but like the book where they are the good guys just trying to live where they want to and is that not kinda the issue here and how much would we care about their taking over if it started in Dorne vs in the North where our faves lived or came from and okay I’ma wrap this up because I am rambling

Daenerys


Dragonrider????: dragonriderrrrr

Odds that she pregnant: if I got to pick , like, 15%, because whatever, but because the show made a huge deal out of it when she got with Jon there’s probably a 90% chance there is a tiny wolfdragon, who could then be the third head of the dragon, the third dragonrider, ugh I don’t know

Amount I love this poster: the most of all of them, 100%

*all of you out there like ‘really?'”: yep, really, I think it is spot on with her character, her clothes, hair, and expression are perfection, the outfit is a mix of the North and her Essos clothing, and I love love love from the knees down: it’s both a power position of ownership and also a weak position because a man would be manspreading.

*you guys* is, is she done, or: yes, sorry, done

Ew-ron

Button your goddamn shirt: 110%

Wash your hair: 120%

Who holds the arm rests to a throne like that: only the worst person ever

I can smell this poster through the screen: it smells like low tide at a marina plus a frat house basement plus feet 

Minutes I will tolerate this gaping black hole of time and charisma being in this last season: 15

“So like, 15 minutes of the first episode, or-“: yes, that, exactly, I hate him so much

Jon

Odds he lives through the third episode with the Battle of Winterfell: 95%, I think he’s gotta be in all the eps

Odds he’s riding a dragon: oh heck yes he absolutely is

Do we get a Jon and Arya reunion scene: IF THESE JERKS KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM WE DO

Odds I’m gonna be real sad if something bad happens to him: genuinely really flipping sad; this character has been very enjoyable to watch, I’ve loved seeing Kit grow into it, and even though he’s essentially living on borrowed time at the moment there is still a part of me that wants him to beat the odds and rule

Jon’s actual reaction if he were to be given the actual throne: oh ffs stop giving me stuff I don’t want any of it I just wanna lie down for a while and cuddle my pet wolf

Where is Ghost: HE’D BETTER BE IN SEASON 8 THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING

Anyway friends, if we get more material leading up to it I’ll be sure to check in, but otherwise please stay tuned for my all-caps reaction posts which I will be doing for each episode. I plan to stick with “one ep one post” but we will see for those last gigantic ones; I may need to break it up. Keep calm and hate Euron, and I’m excited, friends, I’ve missed this!

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 7: “The Dragon and the Wolf”

August 29, 2017

Aaaaaaas always donate button to the right

Just a quick Daario update before we get to the meat of this update: Ed Skrein (the OG Daario and my personal fave because at least they gave him interesting hair) just accepted and then turned down a role in the Hellboy reboot because the character is not white.  I’m not familiar with the series or the character, but I do want to link you to his response, which is just A++++.  Some points knocked off for his not doing the research beforehand to know that the character has a Japanese heritage, but yo, my boy, you did so good.  This is what we need.  Ed, you were always my favorite Daario.  Back to Thrones.

I didn’t hate this episode, mostly because I genuinely liked the scene in the dragon pit and several of the others, but this episode and this season are like, Vin Diesel-movie subtle.  And I *like* Vin Diesel.  I see his films.  But if I go in expecting Pride and Prejudice and what I get is the Return of Xander Cage, I’m gonna be a bit miffed.

Specifics on the miffed, below Continue Reading…

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6: “Beyond the Wall”

August 24, 2017

Episode 6: To Catch a Wight

Episode 6: Exposition Winter March

Episode 6: Hardhome 2: Home Harder

This entire episode was stupid decisions and ridiculous plotting with a dose of dragons and speed.  The long shots were gorgeous, and there were small moments that I truly enjoyed, but oh my word was this a hot stupid mess.  Also why doesn’t anyone wear hats??? It is cold, ear frostbite is no joke, and you lose a lot of heat through your head I JUST HAVE QUESTIONS, OKAY?

Ernest Shackleton and the Breakfast Club, part one

We do not deserve Tormund.  Except maybe Brienne.  I was so pleased with his scare-the-hetero teasing of Gendry (yes I know he’s talking about bears, it was still funny), and his beard has somehow gotten more magnificent, and I realize that I am completely arbitrary in my “this minor character matters to me” moments, but holy God do I love Tormund.  I also appreciate him repping for the Wildlings, who we’ve kiiiiind of forgotten about, despite their being most at risk to lose everything.  And as much as I am on the SS Jaimienne, since the show has decided to torch his redemption arc, Brienne needs someone good to her.  And then he talks to Sandor about her and Sandor talks about her kinda like he loves her too because EVERYONE LOVES BRIENNE.  SHE IS PERFECT AND SO IS GWEN I’m so sorry she’s not perfect but I do love her I’m okay, I’m okay.

I started shrieking when Jon was like “here have Longclaw” because WHAT. WHAT ON EARTH.  Just because you both have daddy issues out the wazoo does not mean you hand over the VALYRIAN STEEL SWORD GIVEN TO YOU BY A DEAD MAN to his WORTHLESS SLAVING SON.  100% certain Jeor Mormont woulda pulled a “I am from the North and shall swing the sword” on Jorah and executed him, Jeor don’t play, and you’re just going to hand over the sword that Jeor gave to *you* specifically because his son sucks?  Jon.  Jonny.  Jon-boy.  You stop that right now.  That is stupid do-gooding at a level that even Ned Stark from beyond the grave is like “that’s a little much.”

The one part I did kind of like was Beric talking to Jon.  This wasn’t even necessarily because the two of them have some kind of deep bond, it was solely because I was low-key captivated watching the only two people (we’re not doing the Stoneheart thing, guys) who have been brought back talk to each other.  They’re both varying degrees of dead, and they both, in some ways, seem to long for death (Beric more overtly, but Jon somewhat through his actions, in a Ned Stark way), and while I really thought this was going to be the setup for Beric’s actual death, this was a hell of a scene.  What is Beric’s purpose, what’s Jon’s?  What are Jon’s physical restrictions after being brought back (Beric is limping, and not well, and scarred, and gah, can Jon have kids, even if he wanted to?) I don’t even know if the writing was super solid for this scene, since no lines really stand out, but I’m glad this atrocious plot let these two talk to each other.

Have any of y’all seen the Paul Walker and dogs vehicle Eight Below?  (Stay with me.) It features Paul Walker’s face and huskies and malamutes, so I don’t know why you wouldn’t have seen it, but there is a part of the film where the doggos are looking for meat on this gross dead whale, and they’re looking at this hole in the gross dead whale, and out of nowhere A MOTHERFUCKING SEAL POPS ITS ADORABLE VICIOUS HEAD OUT AND I SCREAMED and that’s basically what I did with Zombie Polar Bear.  No thank you.  Also if your character doesn’t have a name or any lines don’t go after The Undead Yogi or you will die horribly.

Also somewhere there is a climate change denier who is like “see? polar bears are fine, they can just be kinda dead”

Arya and Sansa: The First Trashpile

As much as I hate “I am just going outside and may be some time: The Plot” (please someone get my dorktastic reference), I hate this plot exponentially more.  Hatred to the stars and back.  Like…I might hate this plot more than I hate Daario.  I KNOW.  But I really don’t think I’m exaggerating.  I’m so mad, you guys, just SO FLIPPIN’ MAD.

Of course, I realize that Arya and Sansa were never close.  Of course, they have both Seen Some Shit since they last spoke.  Of course, this was not going to be a giant happy reunion.  But why can we not have them talk to each other, possibly hash this out in some way, write some difficult dialogue, and move forward?  We’ve reduced them to two-dimensional caricatures of pettiness, and their lines are directly from the mouths of the most aggressive, unnecessary stans.  Like we’re really gonna have Arya talking about how Sansa was just chilling in a pretty dress while they cut Ned’s head off?  That’s really the issue here? And as much as I like Sansa, I really didn’t need her to say that Arya couldn’t have survived what she went through. 1. I disagree, although Arya would’ve handled it differently she would have lived, probs and 2. SHE WOULDN’T SAY THAT, IT’S SO PETTY. She sat through marriage to Ramsay but Arya throws the gentle shade of a thin leaf on a cloudy day and suddenly Sansa is like NUH UH, I’M *SO* TOUGHER.  This debate has been raging on message boards for years and I’m not here for it and I’m not here for fanfiction discussing it.  And then to put the discarded Big Gulp container on top of this trashpile of a plot, Sansa goes to Baelish for advice.  I have some questions, like, have you ever met a human being before? She hates him, we all hate him, why does he sound like he has half of a hardboiled egg in his mouth that he’s not allowed to chew *shrieking for days*

Dragonstone

lol she called Kit short which he is I love it ugh he’s so cute and you could carry him around in your pocket

This scene with Dany and Tyrion was like, 30% cool, 70% annoying.  I did enjoy Tyrion sassing Dany about Jon looking at her intensely because he desires a strong military alliance, which – bro, that is actually a very Jon thing to do, he absolutely *would* stare at her for that.  However, as much as this was a fun line, are we really going to sit here and be like “tee hee do u like me check yes or no” God I miss Barristan.  I reeeeeally miss Barristan.

Additionally, I don’t think this was the right episode to bring up Dany’s legacy, nor do I think it would have been this much of a problem for Dany, but I’m glad we had this conversation.  Who the heck is gonna be your successor, boo?  Like I get that the dragons are your children buuuuuut we will never be roooooyals so who is next, bud.  That’s the 30% I liked.

The 70% I didn’t was because Dany is being stupid, and not like, in-character stupid, which she is, sometimes, but just plain stupid.  We’re really still wondering about Tyrion’s allegiance, really? “This is your family, are you just conspiring against me” boo he hates them and you literally called up a witch to heal Jason Momoa so don’t talk to me about doing dumb stuff for family you hate.  And also how you gonna get mad at him for asking this?  It’s a legitimate question, especially since you insist on flying your dragons everywhere all the time and could definitely die and for you to be like “we will discuss this after I sit the Iron Throne” DOES NO ONE ON THIS SHOW MAKE CONTINGENCY PLANS I HATE THIS.

Ernest Shackleton and the Breakfast Club, part 2

Oh look there’s like 20 of them, just walkin’, where we already know there’s like tens of thousands of them, how lucky and not at all portentous for us, let’s wrap this one up and go hom-OH SHIT

Was there a single viewer who didn’t call this?  Like this was inherently the worst idea in the world and then it became even dumber because they fell into the most obvious trap in the world WHAT IS THIS STUPID, STUPID PLOT.  Why is Gendry best at running?  He’s literally never seen snow but yeah sure let’s send him back.  And then Thoros dies because… okay yeah he was injured but did no one wanna check on his status overnight or??? Like that is a Rose Dewitt-Bukater move and I will not stand for it.  And then Sandor just launches a rock??? at the zombies???? WHY???? Sandor is a shit but he’s not stupid but now he’s stupid???  No it’s fine definitely test your Now Starting for the Brewers with an ERA of like 5,000.82 is THE HOUND fuck this plot fuck that rock he threw fuck this lake fuck this stupid stupid plot.

Gendry “Mo Farah” Waters (that is a track and field joke, kids, go look this guy up, I’m trying to use a name of a runner who runs the appropriate distance, you been told) gets back to the Wall and Davos has just been like, drinking cocoa and waiting for this to blow up in their faces and then Gendry gasps out A RAVEN which is… super helpful and then they find a Westerosi peregrine falcon or some shit who is the true hero of this plot and goes above and beyond his avian duty to help out the dumbest bunch of doofuses this landmass has ever seen and gets to Dragonstone and is like CAW CAW, BITCH, GET YOUR MITTENS ON and Dany comes out wearing what is objectively a fly af winter coat that I adore and hops on Drogon who obviously won’t be the sacrificial lamb today (can people who watch the show name the other dragons?  Like this isn’t a bookwank question, I just feel like they never mention the other two) and flies all three dragons (why? we couldn’t leave one at home??? No by all means let’s risk a medieval Battle of Midway for no goddamn strategic reason other than Jon’s abs) up to the Northern Water Tribe to fuck shit up and die.

BY RIGHTS WE SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE

Then the show goes and stresses me out by making it look like Tormund is gonna bite it and like how dare u???? and then Dany shows up on Snoop Droggy-Drog and fucks up all of Lake-town and AGAIN, WHY ARE WE HERE??? There was no reason for this plot to exist; it is terrible, awful, garbage plotting and we killed a dragon just because we could.  Was the CGI a hell of a shot? Yes.  Was there any nuance at *all* to any of this? None.  Zero. Dem Boyz started off this season with “what if we killed a dragon?” and built everything around that *sUPeR rAdIcAL* idea.  I haaaaaate this.  GRRM, bless his heart, knows how to write a slow burn.  If anything, he can get *too* into the weeds on some things (Meereen and working through the Riverlands come to mind…mostly Meereen) and as frustrated as we get with him, we *want* this stuff.  No, maybe we don’t need 80 characters’ names and their bannermen but we want some time and thought put into the plot.  Jon has no reason to be up there, his merry band of ragtag idiots shouldn’t be up there, no one should have supported him, and no dragons should be there.  This is just bad writing, and I’m not saying that the Others could never kill a dragon – they might!  That might be a thing that happens!  But let’s get there in a way that makes some sense in-world.  This is a series that has shone most when it is saying “what if plot armor disappeared and good and evil are hazier” and this season has mostly thrown that out and I’m UH-NOYED.

I was pretty mad on Twitter about the script and a dude who doesn’t follow me got mad about *my* getting mad about the script and legit quote-tweeted me and said “well why don’t you write one” and sometimes, the internet is just great

He also thought I was a dude because my AVI is Jon gosh darn do I love the internet

And then, of course, we have “what if Ashton Eaton were in Frozen” as a plot device, we lose a dragon (who later gets dragged out of the water with chains WHERE DID THE CHAINS COME FROM), Dany is like *Kate Winslet voice* “Jon… Jon, there’s a boat” and Jon is like nnnnnnaahhhhh and STAYS ON THE GROUND TO KEEP FIGHTING THESE GUYS WHY like yes Jon has a consistent self-sacrifice-boner but this is stupid even for him and then WHOOOOSH goes the rescue dragon and CLANG goes the plot armor onto Mr. Snow and he falls in the lake but like the Right Proper Lad he is he comes back out and then BENJEN IS THERE BECAUSE????

 

*Niall Horan voice*

Cold, Coldhaaaands /

Like plot droppin’ off the edge of nonsense / 

No, no chaaaaance /

That I’m leavin’ here on that same horsie

You do not make Joseph Mawle keep that beard for 7 years to treat him like this, you do NOT

This was so badddddd uugggghhh like guys I have seen several Sharknado movies and there was less deus ex machina in them

Okay that is an outright lie BUT IT IS GETTING CLOSE

Whatever the opposite of Mayweather v. Macgregor is

No one wants to see this fight you manipulative uncreative douchebags

Sophie and especially Maisie acting the hell out of this scene with its trash lines

I really do appreciate the cast of this show for all the work they do – even the actors that I think are towards the bottom of the list (Emilia – I’m so sorry boo but I don’t always love what you do) still are like, well above-average, and I am rarely mad at them – they don’t get to edit their scripts.

A million pardons to my long-suffering husband during this scene, because I was just basically chanting “buuuuuullshit, buuuuullllshit” like a drunk Packers fan throughout this whole scene, and I lost it when I thought Arya was gonna stab Sansa.  WHY. WOULD. THAT. HAPPEN. Arya, go find Jon.  Help Sansa.  Kill Littlefinger. Spar with Brienne some more. Hide Bran’s weed.  Do literally ANYTHING THAT MAKES SENSE.

I

AM

SO

ANGRY

GAH

The SS Jonaerys

Again, tiny moment I liked: Kit saying he’s sorry to Dany

As much as the past 3 seasons have been a bit of a mess for Jon’s plotting, they’ve resulted in some really nice moments for Kit, who I maintain and have maintained is a genuinely great actor who is trying his damnedest to bring this character to life.  And Emilia actually did quite great here as well, in terms of conveying what the writers wanted her to convey.  They’re reading their lines correctly, and we’re feeling sad and uplifted and weirdly pro-incest because they’re doing a heck of a job, but this is not what the lines should be.  Dany is really just super psyched that she knows what she’s up against, Others-wise?  I ain’t buying it.  This girl lost her shit in Qarth when her dragons went missing and I am 0% buying it that she wants in Jon’s 28-inch inseam pants bad enough to be like “no biggie, sometimes you gotta lose dragons to make dragons, ya feel?” I DO NOT FEEL.  I’m also not super involved with this ship, mostly because I think Jon is still too dead inside (like both from Ygritte and from, y’know, the dying thing) to love anyone else, and I think Dany would see Jon as an appealing ally but not her sun and stars.  I’m just not having it, but I’m fully aware that everyone else wants them to bang like real bad and I’m aware that I’m just grumpy and ready to hate things quickly.

My personal favorite panel from Chrys Reviews this week

And now on Sunday we’re on the last episode, and some garbage is gonna happen, including, I’m guessing, Euron, and I am V V GRUMPY. THE GRUMPIEST.

The only thing I am hoping for is a heartstrings-tugging Brienne and Jaime moment.  Just give me this, show.  You owe me.

 

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: “Eastwatch”

August 19, 2017

Y’all this has been a rough week for me, so this recap is weaker than Daario’s innate appeal

I may be in dire straights but I still got jokes don’t you worry

I hella did not like this ep so this’ll just be me, whining briefly, and I’ll be back next week with something decent I promise, I PROMISE

Here there be Dragons

uuughhh this was just, bad

The one tiny good moment was allowing Tyrion to walk through the charred battlefield – that was a hell of a shot, and Dinklage, my dude, when you do a good moment you DO a GOOD MOMENT and this was a nice shot.

Bronn and his adamantium skeleton and Aqua-Man lung capacity dragging Jaime a mile underwater in full armor what the fucking fuck is that

Like I have rewatched Fast Five, in which the gang drags a safe through Brazil, and even I was like “okay this is kinda unrealistic”

First of all, we recast Dickon with Hopper who 1. wears 80 layers in all of his scenes despite being grade-A top sirloin made of pectorals and 2. gets killed off in 5 episodes so what was the *point*, y’all.  Yes, I realize this is more about the previous actor being unavailable than anything else but what was the point in giving him or Randyll any dialogue.  And since when is Randyll like, a Westeros birther?  Daenerys Stormborn, Breaker of Chains, Holder of the Long-form Birth Certificate.  Idk idk this was a characterization mess.

Dany and Tyrion are not much better.  Dany all like “other monarchs may murder but I only murder if you don’t worship at my feet so I’m suuuuper different” and please let someone else on Twitter step to me about “well yeah they’re drawing parallels with Aerys” OH ARE THEY DO TELL.  Just, try to be more subtle, if we’re going to decide to be all “ooooohhh is Dany gooooood or eeeevvilllll”.

For the record, I do not think Dany is good.  She has the potential to be a not-terrible ruler, but she is not good, per se.

King’s Landing

Gendry – the good kind of fan service

No, seriously, I’m totally fine with him being back. He was fun to watch, him and Arya help ruin my life in a good way (“you wouldn’t be my family; you’d be my lady” NO ONE TOUCH ME I’M NOT OKAY), and I actually buy his interactions with Davos and the father/son relationship.  Davos lost a son (in the books, his 4 oldest) at Blackwater, and to find someone kind of the same age as his oldest and try to save him, especially from Melisandre, just, unf.  I’ll take it, show.  Ya done good.

Also very very enjoyed watching him bribe the Lannister soldiers, and watching Hammertime take ’em out.  This is what we missed out on for Davos – watching him be an excellent smuggler, and someone who this entire world genuinely could use.  He can feed starving people, he approaches things in a unique way, and his instinct for problems isn’t “I will hit it, and if it doesn’t go away I will hit it harder, and if it still doesn’t go away I will get a sharper sword.”  I high-key adore Davos, Liam Cunningham is perfect, and just, good job, show.

*whispering* where are Euron’s ships? oh are they in a holding pattern in the Shivering Sea of Sit Here Until We Need a Plot Device? fuck this showwww

This is a throwback to the end of book 3, but again, I really wish that they had kept Jaime’s fuck-you to Tyrion at the end of season 4.  The tension would be huge and actually appropriate!  We’re riding right now on Jaime’s being angry about Tywin, and although Nikolaj is acting the hellllll out of it (seriously, dude, props, you’re doing amazing sweetie), I’m not sold that Jaime would be this upset about Tywin’s death for this long.  This meeting was stupid, I don’t like it, grumblegrumble.

I’ve seen a lot of people ask if Cersei is faking her pregnancy.  I don’t think she is, but I also cannot be arsed to care about it.  It is boring.  I am bored.  Also why does everyone keep using Bronn to do things if he sells you out to literally everyone else?  Like, Lannister family, sit down for a second: there are other sellswords.  There are other…anything.  This family makes me feel like I’m having an intervention with a set of siblings that only likes Burger King fries and I have to bring them to Wendy’s and McDonald’s and Chick-fil-A and Five Guys.  The options are obvious, they are numerous, and they’re still all mediocre because THIS IS A STUPID PLOT DEVICE.  I need Jerome Flynn to get worse at being fun immediately because I’m sick of getting mad about fries.

SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T MATTER

Dragonstone

(one quick thing – YASSS good good job with Jon petting Drogon this was a good moment this was good acting for Kit yes good job show this was a shining star in a dark and crappy sky of an episode)

Jorahhhhh the Fedoooooraaaaaa makes his triumphant return (*tips helmet* m’khaleesi) to his long-lost love oh my GOD WHY IS HE NOT DEAD.  STOP, SHOW.  This series is big on “hey even people we’re interested in totes die” and curing Jorah is veering into Terry Goodkind “you are unique, Richard Cypher” territory.  He doesn’t even *matter*, just let him be *dead*, no one *cares*.

A friend also pointed out that they’re totally using him to stir things up with Jon and Dany and I did not sign up for a love triangle, no sirree.  If I wanted to watch Twilight I’d fucking watch Twilight.  I don’t want to watch medieval Forks, Washington where Jon and Jorah are both Edward and it’s somehow more boring.  Jorah sold people into slaveryyyyy he sucksssss.  Also a reminder for those playing at home – our trilby-topped shithead sold people into slavery to try to cover the debts he incurred keeping his wife happy.  He makes awful decisions, and makes even worse ones when he’s in love, and he’s just the worsttttt.  Let’s let him turn into a statue and then tear down the statue.

I really hope that they all got in that boat and made it up to the Wall that fast because Gendry got so good at rowing that he can go like 80 knots over the water

How long

does it take

to get places

you stupid, stupid show

“oh we’ve condensed things for fewer episodes” this isn’t motherfucking A Wrinkle in Time, do the work or look stupid and I guess you’ve chosen ‘look stupid’

Oldtown

I really can’t totally talk about this without spoilers(???) so it’s at the bottom.  I don’t even know if they count.  Sorry, guys.

Winterfell

This was 95% awful but credit to the show for bringing back Sansa’s letter from season 1, I do at least like when the show remembers that shit happened before it picked its faves and ran with it

I super don’t like the Arya/Sansa tension, not because there wouldn’t be tension, but this seems like a pointless set of tension.  Arya trying to push Sansa into taking control by being like “u liek Krabby Patties don’t u Squidward” is weird and makes no sense, other than a shit-stirring move.

Arya attended the Milford School with Buster Bluth, apparently, and instead of writing or working on characterization we just decided to tell Maisie and Aidan to look around corners for 6 minutes and just film that.

Yes, I *get* that the whole point of this is to show that Arya is not as smart as she thinks she is, I *know* this.  I knew this years ago.  I do not need to be beaten over the head with it, and I absolutely don’t need to have Littlefinger deliver this information to me, either.  Extra even more so because the show has decided that he’s not even that smart, just creepy, and I stg if the goal here is to set up a fight between Sansa and Arya because Baelish somehow got his hands on a letter Sansa wrote at the age of 12 trying to save her father from being executed and Arya can’t recognize that I will *scream.*  I WILL SCREEEEEAM.  I saw people saying like “oh no Arya will get mad at Littlefinger, tho!” why would that happen, in this plot.  Please can Brienne just kill Petyr and we can all go home PLEASE

To Catch a Predator

This is the worst and most idiotic fanfiction I have ever seen in my fandom life, and it is now greenlit as the adaptation.  We’re literally gonna send out the goddamn Breakfast Club to grab an ice zombie to bring it to Cersei like a cat with a mouse and maybe she’ll help with this stuff are you KIDDING.  ARE YOU *KIDDING.*  This entire thing is “so Hardhome was the least hated episode of Season 5 and we should do it again” and I am just….why.  Why do I watch this stupid show with stupid Jon “The Others Whisperer” Snow running out to trap one of these fuckers so a lady who hates you and would gladly see you all dead will help you.  Davos, buddy, you’re smart, why are you doing this.  And Beric?  I get the idea of doing dumb things for ***aesthetic*** (I own high heels) but if you are running into Interior Greenland, But Worse on the stupidest fucking errand ever to exist just so you can light your sword on fire I stg, Beric, I STG

AND THOROS U SHOULD KNOW BETTER, U N UR TOPKNOT

I need Sandor to drop an absolutely devastating “why are we doing this” line next week, and I’m still gonna hate this plot, and obviously we’re setting this up for someone to die, and I just…I don’t care.  Watch Jorah like, re-catch greyscale from a wight and die that way.

I AM GRUMPYYYYYYYYY NERDRAGE OUT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ollllddddtown spoilerrssssss maybe idk idk below

So I absolutely adore John Bradley, he is my favorite cast member and this was actually a particularly strong scene for him in a show that gives him not much range but when they let him he kills it (“open the *fucking* gate” was a heck of a moment) and this was another great example but it was so out of character and he trampled over a potentially series-changing plot point and what. why. why did this happen.

We seriously got writers out here like “this maester annulled Elia and Rhaegar’s marriage and wrote it in his diary” and now Jon’s legitimate and what. whatttttt.  This was a hell of a twist but a delivery failure.  It doesn’t matter if you make the most bomb-ass cake for that fancy wedding; if you drop it taking it out of the truck, the couple gonna be pissed.  Sam doesn’t usually talk over Gilly, he listens to her, and for him to be this frustrated at a group of old dudes who don’t ever do anything is weird, and why were we even here if you were just gonna scrape off Jorah’s poison oak and annoy Slughorn.  I love you, John Bradley, and I’m genuinely sorry for not liking this scene, but I didn’t like this scene.

Yes yes holy shit Jon’s legitimate holy shit I agree it’s a big deal but B&W being like *wink wink* u catch that guys??? is not fun and I don’t like it.  So all we need to do now is get Gilly and Drogon together and they’ll compare notes and Jon’s the heir hoorayyyy.

 

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4: “The Spoils of War”

August 10, 2017

Super sorry for the delay – life and lawyering happened like, a LOT this week, and it wasn’t even fun lawyering, it was “why am I not allowed to put grown adults in a time out” kinda lawyering.  Plus I had the Gummi Bears theme song stuck in my head while waiting for court appearances yes hi please trust me with your legal matter BOUNCING HERE AND THERE AND EVERYWHERE

I’m sorry if you only like reading these when I get angry, because even though I will still have some anger for this episode, this review is gonna be mostly positive – I really liked this dang episode.  This was the director’s first swing at this show and he frankly hit a home run.  I’m just v v pleased, y’all – this show can do a heck of a battle scene and when it’s good it’s just really quite good.  This entire episode felt very *not* George R. R. Martin’s writing (the dialogue and some of the plotting felt almost too clear and straightforward) but it felt pretty true to the characterization, and as much as we like to see plot happen to our characters on this show, this series *is* character-driven.  Just, thumbs-up, you stupid jerk show, ya done good, kid.

Also no Euron lol

I’m trying to break this up by scenes this time and we’ll see how it goes idk idk

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Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 3: “The Queen’s Justice”

August 1, 2017

Heyyyy friends slightly less yelling this episode but still some yelling of course and I think this post is super long idk idk I’m sorry or not sorry? if you like reading it? ugh I’m a cesspool of fan emotion

This ep: absolutely delicious dialogue and cinematography and plot holes the size of Jupiter

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Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1: “Dragonstone”

July 17, 2017

Welllllcome back to your favorite friendly neighborhood dorkathon.  I am excited to be here, and again, if you’re liking what’s happening here, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down, if you’re okayI’llstop, there is a donate button in the top right corner of this page.

Also, if this is your first time here: I used to state my spoiler policy, which was that spoilers were present through the current episode, but nothing past there into the books or otherwise.  Since we are in uncharted territory, I really don’t think I have much of a spoiler policy, other than like, watch the episode first.

Additionally, I normally divide up the action by location, and I will still try to do this, but some characters are migrating around, so I’m going to do my best to group this to my own satisfaction and complaints may be directed to the Arryns’ Moon Door.  hashtagmyblogmyrules Continue Reading…