Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 7: “The Dragon and the Wolf”

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Just a quick Daario update before we get to the meat of this update: Ed Skrein (the OG Daario and my personal fave because at least they gave him interesting hair) just accepted and then turned down a role in the Hellboy reboot because the character is not white.  I’m not familiar with the series or the character, but I do want to link you to his response, which is just A++++.  Some points knocked off for his not doing the research beforehand to know that the character has a Japanese heritage, but yo, my boy, you did so good.  This is what we need.  Ed, you were always my favorite Daario.  Back to Thrones.

I didn’t hate this episode, mostly because I genuinely liked the scene in the dragon pit and several of the others, but this episode and this season are like, Vin Diesel-movie subtle.  And I *like* Vin Diesel.  I see his films.  But if I go in expecting Pride and Prejudice and what I get is the Return of Xander Cage, I’m gonna be a bit miffed.

Specifics on the miffed, below Continue reading “Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 7: “The Dragon and the Wolf””

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6: “Beyond the Wall”

Episode 6: To Catch a Wight

Episode 6: Exposition Winter March

Episode 6: Hardhome 2: Home Harder

This entire episode was stupid decisions and ridiculous plotting with a dose of dragons and speed.  The long shots were gorgeous, and there were small moments that I truly enjoyed, but oh my word was this a hot stupid mess.  Also why doesn’t anyone wear hats??? It is cold, ear frostbite is no joke, and you lose a lot of heat through your head I JUST HAVE QUESTIONS, OKAY?

Ernest Shackleton and the Breakfast Club, part one

We do not deserve Tormund.  Except maybe Brienne.  I was so pleased with his scare-the-hetero teasing of Gendry (yes I know he’s talking about bears, it was still funny), and his beard has somehow gotten more magnificent, and I realize that I am completely arbitrary in my “this minor character matters to me” moments, but holy God do I love Tormund.  I also appreciate him repping for the Wildlings, who we’ve kiiiiind of forgotten about, despite their being most at risk to lose everything.  And as much as I am on the SS Jaimienne, since the show has decided to torch his redemption arc, Brienne needs someone good to her.  And then he talks to Sandor about her and Sandor talks about her kinda like he loves her too because EVERYONE LOVES BRIENNE.  SHE IS PERFECT AND SO IS GWEN I’m so sorry she’s not perfect but I do love her I’m okay, I’m okay.

I started shrieking when Jon was like “here have Longclaw” because WHAT. WHAT ON EARTH.  Just because you both have daddy issues out the wazoo does not mean you hand over the VALYRIAN STEEL SWORD GIVEN TO YOU BY A DEAD MAN to his WORTHLESS SLAVING SON.  100% certain Jeor Mormont woulda pulled a “I am from the North and shall swing the sword” on Jorah and executed him, Jeor don’t play, and you’re just going to hand over the sword that Jeor gave to *you* specifically because his son sucks?  Jon.  Jonny.  Jon-boy.  You stop that right now.  That is stupid do-gooding at a level that even Ned Stark from beyond the grave is like “that’s a little much.”

The one part I did kind of like was Beric talking to Jon.  This wasn’t even necessarily because the two of them have some kind of deep bond, it was solely because I was low-key captivated watching the only two people (we’re not doing the Stoneheart thing, guys) who have been brought back talk to each other.  They’re both varying degrees of dead, and they both, in some ways, seem to long for death (Beric more overtly, but Jon somewhat through his actions, in a Ned Stark way), and while I really thought this was going to be the setup for Beric’s actual death, this was a hell of a scene.  What is Beric’s purpose, what’s Jon’s?  What are Jon’s physical restrictions after being brought back (Beric is limping, and not well, and scarred, and gah, can Jon have kids, even if he wanted to?) I don’t even know if the writing was super solid for this scene, since no lines really stand out, but I’m glad this atrocious plot let these two talk to each other.

Have any of y’all seen the Paul Walker and dogs vehicle Eight Below?  (Stay with me.) It features Paul Walker’s face and huskies and malamutes, so I don’t know why you wouldn’t have seen it, but there is a part of the film where the doggos are looking for meat on this gross dead whale, and they’re looking at this hole in the gross dead whale, and out of nowhere A MOTHERFUCKING SEAL POPS ITS ADORABLE VICIOUS HEAD OUT AND I SCREAMED and that’s basically what I did with Zombie Polar Bear.  No thank you.  Also if your character doesn’t have a name or any lines don’t go after The Undead Yogi or you will die horribly.

Also somewhere there is a climate change denier who is like “see? polar bears are fine, they can just be kinda dead”

Arya and Sansa: The First Trashpile

As much as I hate “I am just going outside and may be some time: The Plot” (please someone get my dorktastic reference), I hate this plot exponentially more.  Hatred to the stars and back.  Like…I might hate this plot more than I hate Daario.  I KNOW.  But I really don’t think I’m exaggerating.  I’m so mad, you guys, just SO FLIPPIN’ MAD.

Of course, I realize that Arya and Sansa were never close.  Of course, they have both Seen Some Shit since they last spoke.  Of course, this was not going to be a giant happy reunion.  But why can we not have them talk to each other, possibly hash this out in some way, write some difficult dialogue, and move forward?  We’ve reduced them to two-dimensional caricatures of pettiness, and their lines are directly from the mouths of the most aggressive, unnecessary stans.  Like we’re really gonna have Arya talking about how Sansa was just chilling in a pretty dress while they cut Ned’s head off?  That’s really the issue here? And as much as I like Sansa, I really didn’t need her to say that Arya couldn’t have survived what she went through. 1. I disagree, although Arya would’ve handled it differently she would have lived, probs and 2. SHE WOULDN’T SAY THAT, IT’S SO PETTY. She sat through marriage to Ramsay but Arya throws the gentle shade of a thin leaf on a cloudy day and suddenly Sansa is like NUH UH, I’M *SO* TOUGHER.  This debate has been raging on message boards for years and I’m not here for it and I’m not here for fanfiction discussing it.  And then to put the discarded Big Gulp container on top of this trashpile of a plot, Sansa goes to Baelish for advice.  I have some questions, like, have you ever met a human being before? She hates him, we all hate him, why does he sound like he has half of a hardboiled egg in his mouth that he’s not allowed to chew *shrieking for days*

Dragonstone

lol she called Kit short which he is I love it ugh he’s so cute and you could carry him around in your pocket

This scene with Dany and Tyrion was like, 30% cool, 70% annoying.  I did enjoy Tyrion sassing Dany about Jon looking at her intensely because he desires a strong military alliance, which – bro, that is actually a very Jon thing to do, he absolutely *would* stare at her for that.  However, as much as this was a fun line, are we really going to sit here and be like “tee hee do u like me check yes or no” God I miss Barristan.  I reeeeeally miss Barristan.

Additionally, I don’t think this was the right episode to bring up Dany’s legacy, nor do I think it would have been this much of a problem for Dany, but I’m glad we had this conversation.  Who the heck is gonna be your successor, boo?  Like I get that the dragons are your children buuuuuut we will never be roooooyals so who is next, bud.  That’s the 30% I liked.

The 70% I didn’t was because Dany is being stupid, and not like, in-character stupid, which she is, sometimes, but just plain stupid.  We’re really still wondering about Tyrion’s allegiance, really? “This is your family, are you just conspiring against me” boo he hates them and you literally called up a witch to heal Jason Momoa so don’t talk to me about doing dumb stuff for family you hate.  And also how you gonna get mad at him for asking this?  It’s a legitimate question, especially since you insist on flying your dragons everywhere all the time and could definitely die and for you to be like “we will discuss this after I sit the Iron Throne” DOES NO ONE ON THIS SHOW MAKE CONTINGENCY PLANS I HATE THIS.

Ernest Shackleton and the Breakfast Club, part 2

Oh look there’s like 20 of them, just walkin’, where we already know there’s like tens of thousands of them, how lucky and not at all portentous for us, let’s wrap this one up and go hom-OH SHIT

Was there a single viewer who didn’t call this?  Like this was inherently the worst idea in the world and then it became even dumber because they fell into the most obvious trap in the world WHAT IS THIS STUPID, STUPID PLOT.  Why is Gendry best at running?  He’s literally never seen snow but yeah sure let’s send him back.  And then Thoros dies because… okay yeah he was injured but did no one wanna check on his status overnight or??? Like that is a Rose Dewitt-Bukater move and I will not stand for it.  And then Sandor just launches a rock??? at the zombies???? WHY???? Sandor is a shit but he’s not stupid but now he’s stupid???  No it’s fine definitely test your Now Starting for the Brewers with an ERA of like 5,000.82 is THE HOUND fuck this plot fuck that rock he threw fuck this lake fuck this stupid stupid plot.

Gendry “Mo Farah” Waters (that is a track and field joke, kids, go look this guy up, I’m trying to use a name of a runner who runs the appropriate distance, you been told) gets back to the Wall and Davos has just been like, drinking cocoa and waiting for this to blow up in their faces and then Gendry gasps out A RAVEN which is… super helpful and then they find a Westerosi peregrine falcon or some shit who is the true hero of this plot and goes above and beyond his avian duty to help out the dumbest bunch of doofuses this landmass has ever seen and gets to Dragonstone and is like CAW CAW, BITCH, GET YOUR MITTENS ON and Dany comes out wearing what is objectively a fly af winter coat that I adore and hops on Drogon who obviously won’t be the sacrificial lamb today (can people who watch the show name the other dragons?  Like this isn’t a bookwank question, I just feel like they never mention the other two) and flies all three dragons (why? we couldn’t leave one at home??? No by all means let’s risk a medieval Battle of Midway for no goddamn strategic reason other than Jon’s abs) up to the Northern Water Tribe to fuck shit up and die.

BY RIGHTS WE SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE

Then the show goes and stresses me out by making it look like Tormund is gonna bite it and like how dare u???? and then Dany shows up on Snoop Droggy-Drog and fucks up all of Lake-town and AGAIN, WHY ARE WE HERE??? There was no reason for this plot to exist; it is terrible, awful, garbage plotting and we killed a dragon just because we could.  Was the CGI a hell of a shot? Yes.  Was there any nuance at *all* to any of this? None.  Zero. Dem Boyz started off this season with “what if we killed a dragon?” and built everything around that *sUPeR rAdIcAL* idea.  I haaaaaate this.  GRRM, bless his heart, knows how to write a slow burn.  If anything, he can get *too* into the weeds on some things (Meereen and working through the Riverlands come to mind…mostly Meereen) and as frustrated as we get with him, we *want* this stuff.  No, maybe we don’t need 80 characters’ names and their bannermen but we want some time and thought put into the plot.  Jon has no reason to be up there, his merry band of ragtag idiots shouldn’t be up there, no one should have supported him, and no dragons should be there.  This is just bad writing, and I’m not saying that the Others could never kill a dragon – they might!  That might be a thing that happens!  But let’s get there in a way that makes some sense in-world.  This is a series that has shone most when it is saying “what if plot armor disappeared and good and evil are hazier” and this season has mostly thrown that out and I’m UH-NOYED.

I was pretty mad on Twitter about the script and a dude who doesn’t follow me got mad about *my* getting mad about the script and legit quote-tweeted me and said “well why don’t you write one” and sometimes, the internet is just great

He also thought I was a dude because my AVI is Jon gosh darn do I love the internet

And then, of course, we have “what if Ashton Eaton were in Frozen” as a plot device, we lose a dragon (who later gets dragged out of the water with chains WHERE DID THE CHAINS COME FROM), Dany is like *Kate Winslet voice* “Jon… Jon, there’s a boat” and Jon is like nnnnnnaahhhhh and STAYS ON THE GROUND TO KEEP FIGHTING THESE GUYS WHY like yes Jon has a consistent self-sacrifice-boner but this is stupid even for him and then WHOOOOSH goes the rescue dragon and CLANG goes the plot armor onto Mr. Snow and he falls in the lake but like the Right Proper Lad he is he comes back out and then BENJEN IS THERE BECAUSE????

 

*Niall Horan voice*

Cold, Coldhaaaands /

Like plot droppin’ off the edge of nonsense / 

No, no chaaaaance /

That I’m leavin’ here on that same horsie

You do not make Joseph Mawle keep that beard for 7 years to treat him like this, you do NOT

This was so badddddd uugggghhh like guys I have seen several Sharknado movies and there was less deus ex machina in them

Okay that is an outright lie BUT IT IS GETTING CLOSE

Whatever the opposite of Mayweather v. Macgregor is

No one wants to see this fight you manipulative uncreative douchebags

Sophie and especially Maisie acting the hell out of this scene with its trash lines

I really do appreciate the cast of this show for all the work they do – even the actors that I think are towards the bottom of the list (Emilia – I’m so sorry boo but I don’t always love what you do) still are like, well above-average, and I am rarely mad at them – they don’t get to edit their scripts.

A million pardons to my long-suffering husband during this scene, because I was just basically chanting “buuuuuullshit, buuuuullllshit” like a drunk Packers fan throughout this whole scene, and I lost it when I thought Arya was gonna stab Sansa.  WHY. WOULD. THAT. HAPPEN. Arya, go find Jon.  Help Sansa.  Kill Littlefinger. Spar with Brienne some more. Hide Bran’s weed.  Do literally ANYTHING THAT MAKES SENSE.

I

AM

SO

ANGRY

GAH

The SS Jonaerys

Again, tiny moment I liked: Kit saying he’s sorry to Dany

As much as the past 3 seasons have been a bit of a mess for Jon’s plotting, they’ve resulted in some really nice moments for Kit, who I maintain and have maintained is a genuinely great actor who is trying his damnedest to bring this character to life.  And Emilia actually did quite great here as well, in terms of conveying what the writers wanted her to convey.  They’re reading their lines correctly, and we’re feeling sad and uplifted and weirdly pro-incest because they’re doing a heck of a job, but this is not what the lines should be.  Dany is really just super psyched that she knows what she’s up against, Others-wise?  I ain’t buying it.  This girl lost her shit in Qarth when her dragons went missing and I am 0% buying it that she wants in Jon’s 28-inch inseam pants bad enough to be like “no biggie, sometimes you gotta lose dragons to make dragons, ya feel?” I DO NOT FEEL.  I’m also not super involved with this ship, mostly because I think Jon is still too dead inside (like both from Ygritte and from, y’know, the dying thing) to love anyone else, and I think Dany would see Jon as an appealing ally but not her sun and stars.  I’m just not having it, but I’m fully aware that everyone else wants them to bang like real bad and I’m aware that I’m just grumpy and ready to hate things quickly.

My personal favorite panel from Chrys Reviews this week

And now on Sunday we’re on the last episode, and some garbage is gonna happen, including, I’m guessing, Euron, and I am V V GRUMPY. THE GRUMPIEST.

The only thing I am hoping for is a heartstrings-tugging Brienne and Jaime moment.  Just give me this, show.  You owe me.

 

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: “Eastwatch”

Y’all this has been a rough week for me, so this recap is weaker than Daario’s innate appeal

I may be in dire straights but I still got jokes don’t you worry

I hella did not like this ep so this’ll just be me, whining briefly, and I’ll be back next week with something decent I promise, I PROMISE

Here there be Dragons

uuughhh this was just, bad

The one tiny good moment was allowing Tyrion to walk through the charred battlefield – that was a hell of a shot, and Dinklage, my dude, when you do a good moment you DO a GOOD MOMENT and this was a nice shot.

Bronn and his adamantium skeleton and Aqua-Man lung capacity dragging Jaime a mile underwater in full armor what the fucking fuck is that

Like I have rewatched Fast Five, in which the gang drags a safe through Brazil, and even I was like “okay this is kinda unrealistic”

First of all, we recast Dickon with Hopper who 1. wears 80 layers in all of his scenes despite being grade-A top sirloin made of pectorals and 2. gets killed off in 5 episodes so what was the *point*, y’all.  Yes, I realize this is more about the previous actor being unavailable than anything else but what was the point in giving him or Randyll any dialogue.  And since when is Randyll like, a Westeros birther?  Daenerys Stormborn, Breaker of Chains, Holder of the Long-form Birth Certificate.  Idk idk this was a characterization mess.

Dany and Tyrion are not much better.  Dany all like “other monarchs may murder but I only murder if you don’t worship at my feet so I’m suuuuper different” and please let someone else on Twitter step to me about “well yeah they’re drawing parallels with Aerys” OH ARE THEY DO TELL.  Just, try to be more subtle, if we’re going to decide to be all “ooooohhh is Dany gooooood or eeeevvilllll”.

For the record, I do not think Dany is good.  She has the potential to be a not-terrible ruler, but she is not good, per se.

King’s Landing

Gendry – the good kind of fan service

No, seriously, I’m totally fine with him being back. He was fun to watch, him and Arya help ruin my life in a good way (“you wouldn’t be my family; you’d be my lady” NO ONE TOUCH ME I’M NOT OKAY), and I actually buy his interactions with Davos and the father/son relationship.  Davos lost a son (in the books, his 4 oldest) at Blackwater, and to find someone kind of the same age as his oldest and try to save him, especially from Melisandre, just, unf.  I’ll take it, show.  Ya done good.

Also very very enjoyed watching him bribe the Lannister soldiers, and watching Hammertime take ’em out.  This is what we missed out on for Davos – watching him be an excellent smuggler, and someone who this entire world genuinely could use.  He can feed starving people, he approaches things in a unique way, and his instinct for problems isn’t “I will hit it, and if it doesn’t go away I will hit it harder, and if it still doesn’t go away I will get a sharper sword.”  I high-key adore Davos, Liam Cunningham is perfect, and just, good job, show.

*whispering* where are Euron’s ships? oh are they in a holding pattern in the Shivering Sea of Sit Here Until We Need a Plot Device? fuck this showwww

This is a throwback to the end of book 3, but again, I really wish that they had kept Jaime’s fuck-you to Tyrion at the end of season 4.  The tension would be huge and actually appropriate!  We’re riding right now on Jaime’s being angry about Tywin, and although Nikolaj is acting the hellllll out of it (seriously, dude, props, you’re doing amazing sweetie), I’m not sold that Jaime would be this upset about Tywin’s death for this long.  This meeting was stupid, I don’t like it, grumblegrumble.

I’ve seen a lot of people ask if Cersei is faking her pregnancy.  I don’t think she is, but I also cannot be arsed to care about it.  It is boring.  I am bored.  Also why does everyone keep using Bronn to do things if he sells you out to literally everyone else?  Like, Lannister family, sit down for a second: there are other sellswords.  There are other…anything.  This family makes me feel like I’m having an intervention with a set of siblings that only likes Burger King fries and I have to bring them to Wendy’s and McDonald’s and Chick-fil-A and Five Guys.  The options are obvious, they are numerous, and they’re still all mediocre because THIS IS A STUPID PLOT DEVICE.  I need Jerome Flynn to get worse at being fun immediately because I’m sick of getting mad about fries.

SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T MATTER

Dragonstone

(one quick thing – YASSS good good job with Jon petting Drogon this was a good moment this was good acting for Kit yes good job show this was a shining star in a dark and crappy sky of an episode)

Jorahhhhh the Fedoooooraaaaaa makes his triumphant return (*tips helmet* m’khaleesi) to his long-lost love oh my GOD WHY IS HE NOT DEAD.  STOP, SHOW.  This series is big on “hey even people we’re interested in totes die” and curing Jorah is veering into Terry Goodkind “you are unique, Richard Cypher” territory.  He doesn’t even *matter*, just let him be *dead*, no one *cares*.

A friend also pointed out that they’re totally using him to stir things up with Jon and Dany and I did not sign up for a love triangle, no sirree.  If I wanted to watch Twilight I’d fucking watch Twilight.  I don’t want to watch medieval Forks, Washington where Jon and Jorah are both Edward and it’s somehow more boring.  Jorah sold people into slaveryyyyy he sucksssss.  Also a reminder for those playing at home – our trilby-topped shithead sold people into slavery to try to cover the debts he incurred keeping his wife happy.  He makes awful decisions, and makes even worse ones when he’s in love, and he’s just the worsttttt.  Let’s let him turn into a statue and then tear down the statue.

I really hope that they all got in that boat and made it up to the Wall that fast because Gendry got so good at rowing that he can go like 80 knots over the water

How long

does it take

to get places

you stupid, stupid show

“oh we’ve condensed things for fewer episodes” this isn’t motherfucking A Wrinkle in Time, do the work or look stupid and I guess you’ve chosen ‘look stupid’

Oldtown

I really can’t totally talk about this without spoilers(???) so it’s at the bottom.  I don’t even know if they count.  Sorry, guys.

Winterfell

This was 95% awful but credit to the show for bringing back Sansa’s letter from season 1, I do at least like when the show remembers that shit happened before it picked its faves and ran with it

I super don’t like the Arya/Sansa tension, not because there wouldn’t be tension, but this seems like a pointless set of tension.  Arya trying to push Sansa into taking control by being like “u liek Krabby Patties don’t u Squidward” is weird and makes no sense, other than a shit-stirring move.

Arya attended the Milford School with Buster Bluth, apparently, and instead of writing or working on characterization we just decided to tell Maisie and Aidan to look around corners for 6 minutes and just film that.

Yes, I *get* that the whole point of this is to show that Arya is not as smart as she thinks she is, I *know* this.  I knew this years ago.  I do not need to be beaten over the head with it, and I absolutely don’t need to have Littlefinger deliver this information to me, either.  Extra even more so because the show has decided that he’s not even that smart, just creepy, and I stg if the goal here is to set up a fight between Sansa and Arya because Baelish somehow got his hands on a letter Sansa wrote at the age of 12 trying to save her father from being executed and Arya can’t recognize that I will *scream.*  I WILL SCREEEEEAM.  I saw people saying like “oh no Arya will get mad at Littlefinger, tho!” why would that happen, in this plot.  Please can Brienne just kill Petyr and we can all go home PLEASE

To Catch a Predator

This is the worst and most idiotic fanfiction I have ever seen in my fandom life, and it is now greenlit as the adaptation.  We’re literally gonna send out the goddamn Breakfast Club to grab an ice zombie to bring it to Cersei like a cat with a mouse and maybe she’ll help with this stuff are you KIDDING.  ARE YOU *KIDDING.*  This entire thing is “so Hardhome was the least hated episode of Season 5 and we should do it again” and I am just….why.  Why do I watch this stupid show with stupid Jon “The Others Whisperer” Snow running out to trap one of these fuckers so a lady who hates you and would gladly see you all dead will help you.  Davos, buddy, you’re smart, why are you doing this.  And Beric?  I get the idea of doing dumb things for ***aesthetic*** (I own high heels) but if you are running into Interior Greenland, But Worse on the stupidest fucking errand ever to exist just so you can light your sword on fire I stg, Beric, I STG

AND THOROS U SHOULD KNOW BETTER, U N UR TOPKNOT

I need Sandor to drop an absolutely devastating “why are we doing this” line next week, and I’m still gonna hate this plot, and obviously we’re setting this up for someone to die, and I just…I don’t care.  Watch Jorah like, re-catch greyscale from a wight and die that way.

I AM GRUMPYYYYYYYYY NERDRAGE OUT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ollllddddtown spoilerrssssss maybe idk idk below

So I absolutely adore John Bradley, he is my favorite cast member and this was actually a particularly strong scene for him in a show that gives him not much range but when they let him he kills it (“open the *fucking* gate” was a heck of a moment) and this was another great example but it was so out of character and he trampled over a potentially series-changing plot point and what. why. why did this happen.

We seriously got writers out here like “this maester annulled Elia and Rhaegar’s marriage and wrote it in his diary” and now Jon’s legitimate and what. whatttttt.  This was a hell of a twist but a delivery failure.  It doesn’t matter if you make the most bomb-ass cake for that fancy wedding; if you drop it taking it out of the truck, the couple gonna be pissed.  Sam doesn’t usually talk over Gilly, he listens to her, and for him to be this frustrated at a group of old dudes who don’t ever do anything is weird, and why were we even here if you were just gonna scrape off Jorah’s poison oak and annoy Slughorn.  I love you, John Bradley, and I’m genuinely sorry for not liking this scene, but I didn’t like this scene.

Yes yes holy shit Jon’s legitimate holy shit I agree it’s a big deal but B&W being like *wink wink* u catch that guys??? is not fun and I don’t like it.  So all we need to do now is get Gilly and Drogon together and they’ll compare notes and Jon’s the heir hoorayyyy.

 

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4: “The Spoils of War”

Super sorry for the delay – life and lawyering happened like, a LOT this week, and it wasn’t even fun lawyering, it was “why am I not allowed to put grown adults in a time out” kinda lawyering.  Plus I had the Gummi Bears theme song stuck in my head while waiting for court appearances yes hi please trust me with your legal matter BOUNCING HERE AND THERE AND EVERYWHERE

I’m sorry if you only like reading these when I get angry, because even though I will still have some anger for this episode, this review is gonna be mostly positive – I really liked this dang episode.  This was the director’s first swing at this show and he frankly hit a home run.  I’m just v v pleased, y’all – this show can do a heck of a battle scene and when it’s good it’s just really quite good.  This entire episode felt very *not* George R. R. Martin’s writing (the dialogue and some of the plotting felt almost too clear and straightforward) but it felt pretty true to the characterization, and as much as we like to see plot happen to our characters on this show, this series *is* character-driven.  Just, thumbs-up, you stupid jerk show, ya done good, kid.

Also no Euron lol

I’m trying to break this up by scenes this time and we’ll see how it goes idk idk

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Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 3: “The Queen’s Justice”

Heyyyy friends slightly less yelling this episode but still some yelling of course and I think this post is super long idk idk I’m sorry or not sorry? if you like reading it? ugh I’m a cesspool of fan emotion

This ep: absolutely delicious dialogue and cinematography and plot holes the size of Jupiter

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Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 2: “Stormborn”

Let me just get this out of the way quickly: I Super Did Not Like this episode for like 80 different reasons, some of them stupid and personal some of them legitimate(???) and plot- or character-driven.  If you’re here to read me yelling about things STRAP IN I AM READY TO YELL

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Continue reading “Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 2: “Stormborn””

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1: “Dragonstone”

Welllllcome back to your favorite friendly neighborhood dorkathon.  I am excited to be here, and again, if you’re liking what’s happening here, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down, if you’re okayI’llstop, there is a donate button in the top right corner of this page.

Also, if this is your first time here: I used to state my spoiler policy, which was that spoilers were present through the current episode, but nothing past there into the books or otherwise.  Since we are in uncharted territory, I really don’t think I have much of a spoiler policy, other than like, watch the episode first.

Additionally, I normally divide up the action by location, and I will still try to do this, but some characters are migrating around, so I’m going to do my best to group this to my own satisfaction and complaints may be directed to the Arryns’ Moon Door.  hashtagmyblogmyrules Continue reading “Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1: “Dragonstone””

Game of Thrones Season 7 trailer breakdown

Oh snap oh SNAP

So now that I’ve accepted that the show is just gonna be kinda weird and not canon and a little fan-service-y, I’ve been having a better time with it.  Season 6 was miles better than Season 5, and Season 7 will be even better if for no other reason than we don’t have Daario. Will I still continue to reference his mediocre ass?  YOU BETCHA

It’s trailer time LEGGO Continue reading “Game of Thrones Season 7 trailer breakdown”

What Game of Thrones characters are up to between seasons 6 and 7

Jorah – is chilling at a greyscale cure hospital; has been practicing an acoustic version of Counting Crows’ “Rain King” for months; they are withholding his treatment until he stops warbling “I BELOOOONG ANYWHERE BUT IN BETWEEN”


 

Sansa – listening to Faith Hill’s “Cry” and plotting Baelish’s death

Wait that’s me

But also Sansa


Arya – just getting creepier by the day and just morphing into a more deadly Wednesday Addams

*Mushu from Mulan voice* My little baby off to destroy people


Bran – I’m a motherf*ckin’ Stark boy

Everyone else, esp. Meera – look what you’ve done


Cersei – blew up another chunk of the city because why not, this reign isn’t sustainable might as well wreck the place so they remember you

Also she has purchased even larger shoulder pads


Jaime – is frantically writing a letter to Brienne

“my sister girlfriend is cray can I come stay with you???”


Brienne – to Sansa, reading said letter: “omg what do I text back? Like I don’t wanna seem too desperate, and ugh I’m like starting this thing with Tormund maybe??? Like that beard, tho, plus he’s gonna be in the next Fast and Furious movie, but Jaime and I have *history,* you know?”


Tormund – filming Fast 8 (no really)

(I am PSYYYYYYCHED but also my HEART no seriously I genuinely enjoy the Fast and Furious movies and was very emotional over Paul Walker and I adore Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson and idk guys the heart wants what it wants)

(also if you haven’t watched the trailer yet go do it)

(Ours is the Furious)


Dany – *just intensely blasting Seven Nation Army on repeat until she lands*


Jon – “Dear Diary, literally all I want is to deeply mourn my girlfriend and pet my deathdoggie and play CoD with my half sister, but people keep putting me in charge of things

like

can u not

if it’s because of the man bun I will at least…strongly consider not wearing it anymore but no guarantees”


Sam – *continues to make that starry-eyed face indefinitely*

Gilly – okay I’m psyched that you’re psyched but I still can’t come into your manbookcave and you’re gonna be there forever so what’s the fucken plan, Mr. Gamgee


Davos – tbh I’m not sure because if I think about him too hard I start tearing up DON’T TOUCH ME

like are we gonna make him Jon’s Hand? Is that the goal? idek just don’t hurt him for like six days okay, please


Melisandre – negotiating her number of topless scenes while stating “it’s been 84 years” like old Rose in Titanic


Sandor – murdering

like this isn’t a real question, what’s he up to? murder


 

Olenna – bein’ fresh to death and sassing the heck out of everyone

Dorne – *siiiiiiigh* how did they get this so wrong

Like Alexander Siddig laughing in the background all “I MAY BE DEAD BUT I’M OUT THIS PLOTLINE HEYYOOOO”

Pedro Pascal just smirking “miss me yet?” SO MUCH, BOO, SO MUCH

I literally just had to go look up the Sand Snakes’ names, because I care so little, and now I’m mad because they are pretty cool in the books, or at least not terrible

I FIGHT FOR DORNE, WHO DO YOU FIGHT FOR idk like, better writers, I guess, and less stupid


Yara – dating Dany

for the record, this ship is called “The Iron Fleet” and I am On Board

It’s not really called that, I just call it that but they’d make a really cute couple


Theon – getting better therapy than “rub some dirt in it” from his sister, I hope


Tyrion – receiving something he hasn’t earned

Your Fave is Problematic


 

Margaery and The Blackfish and Roose Bolton – off commiserating somewhere that they didn’t get great death scenes

The Blackfish because his was off camera and it gets reported to us by some nameless soldier goshdarn it I’m still mad about it

Roose because that was bullshit and if Ramsay was ever gonna kill him it’d be with poison because Ramsay is a coward (miss u and ur swishy cloak, Roose)

Margaery because her last outfit was a turtleneck with like 8 layers and girl is not about that life


Euron – “building” ships with the exactly zero trees that are on the Iron Islands uuggghh worst kingsmoot ever


Daario – LOLOLOL WHO CARES HE OFF THE SHOW doofus Keith who plays the Red and Yellow Knight at Medieval Times on Tuesdays and for two shows on Fridays got dropped like the generic sidepiece he is

 

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 10: “The Winds of Winter”

*grins with delight and digs in*

Also quick Emmys thing: Lena you perfect thing you deserved this, Maisie you’re great but idkkkk especially not this season with your silly billy ploy, Peter Dinklage???? and OMG KIT, YES.  Kit has been killing this frequently sad-sack writing role for years and he deserves it.  Sophie Turner needed one, though.

King’s Landing

Shoutout to whoever did the music for this episode, you kiiiiiiilled it.  Like 2005’s Pride and Prejudice except in a minor key with murder in our hearts.

This freakin’ first twenty minutes, tho.  My God.  I was in from the second Cersei’s outfit went Kill ‘Em With the Shoulders/Mockingjay and it just got better.  Loras’ confession was actually kind of difficult to watch, perhaps because marriage equality is celebrating one year, but dang, boo, you sold that performance.  Also I get that you have to carve the thing in his head but could we not get him like a Band-Aid after he’s confessed? That’s just unnecessary.  My heart also broke for Margaery, because she thought she was keeping her brother safe, and she wasn’t, and ahhhh 🙁 🙁 🙁

Also Willas Tyrell, somewhere in the distance: “hey there I’m the heir”

Thank you to Pycelle, who had our last Unnamed Boobs sighting of the season (we get it he’s gross why, why you gotta…*sigh*).   Could have done with about one thousand percent less of the creepy children.  Creepy children with knives.  Creepy children who Et tu, Brute’d an old man preeeeetty horrifically.  Like, you gotta make the kids do that, Dr. Frankenstein?  Seriously?  Why? There is not enough Westerosi therapy in the world for those kids, and your literal day job is making patchwork slaughterzombies, so maybe next time *you* stab him.

Then there’s Lancel, whose fraternity pledging has seen better weeks, getting extra-crispy but the green reflected nicely in his eyes

This was…wow.  I did not see it coming until it was there, and while I know people were calling bullshit on Margaery figuring it out, I actually felt it was pretty reasonable.  She has always been legitimately smart, and I’m sorry to see her character go, especially in the highest neckline we’ve ever seen her in.  This was some serious, serious shit, it was very very Cersei, and I loved it.  I loved it, I thought it was genius, I thought the tension was perfectly played, and just…damn, show.  You did good work.  Blackwater looked better but daytime is hard, CGI folks, I feel ya.

So, Tommen.  I did not expect this at all.  This little dude is like the child of Colbie Callait’s discography and a kitten and just. Umf. Idk.  I also got very nerdragey like “the fuck kinda line of succession is this” but Andrew pointed out that she’s not like “according to laws I am queen” she’s like “according to death I am queen do you wanna fight me no you don’t”  I get it, and it is an interesting twist, and yes the Maggy prophecy, and yes, Tommen was almost certainly not going to last forever, but it just seemed…off.  I’m settling in to accepting Cersei’s reaction: each of her children’s deaths seems to affect her less, and perhaps that was the goal, but I’m not sure she ever truly accepted that prediction as the truth, so I’m surprised she wasn’t more affected, especially by Tommen, who was not objectively evil.

But anyway. Lena Headey.  The dress.  The wine.  “Shame. Shame. Shame.” That bell crushing people while she’s standing there smiling like “I got 99 problems but a sept ain’t one” and like, Kevan Lannister is in there, and the High Sparrow, and Mace Tyrell, and just… damn, Daniel.  At it *again.* It is also a perfectly Cersei move in that it ends all of her immediate problems while completely fucking her for the future.

I loved it, I loved it, all the way up through Jaime’s “goddamit I leave for FIVE MINUTES and everything falls apar- honey? Honey, what happened to the…hooooly shit. okay. Ohhhhkay.”  Someone also pointed out to me that Jaime became the Kingslayer when he tried to prevent a ruling monarch from…burning down the city.  Gah. GAHHHH.

Beyond the Wall

Hi Benjen (Coldhands?)

Bye, Benjen

Well done, bringing back an actor from Season 1 (who is still pretty fly for wight guy, still would tbh) who I guess had to keep his facial hair like that for a while? Anyway, Bran is still kinda the worst, Meera is still the glue that holds literally everything together, and OH THAT’S RIGHT WE GOT THE ENDING TO THE TOWER OF JOY MY HEART.  MY HEART, GUYS.  MY HEART IS FALLING TO PIECES PICK THEM UP NED PATRICK HARRIS PROMISE ME.

I do absolutely wish they had kept this as one single cut scene (not split it between episodes) but you know what? They did the thing and it was lovely and I teared up and y’all can stay, Thrones.  That’ll do, pig.

Dorne

Cry. ing. laugh. ing. for DAYS

Olenna saying what we all wanted to say

“the fuck is this? the fuck is you?”

Also did she call her Barbaro? Like, the beloved late racehorse? I’m not opposed I just wanted to be sure

I love her so much, this plot is still a trashpile, can we still not coordinate accents for the brown people, Varys can apparently Apparate, black looks good on the Queen of Thorns, I miss Oberyn, this plot is a trashpile, where is Arianne, can we spend more time acting and writing than landscaping, this plot is a trashpile

Also I am still mad that they labeled Sunspear “Dorne”

Oldtown

*bird*

hey guys winter’s here get out ur coats n stuff

*bird out*

Samwell you precious being too good for this world, carrying the world’s worst-concealed sword and bringing an actual woman and baby into the Thunderdome, adorably talking to the librarian who is the Most Done, telling this old dude that yeah sorry everyone you thought you knew is dead here’s a note from my mom.  Jon Snow is Sam’s mom.  He is.

Sam then goes on to do his best Belle impression and in that moment I swear we were infinite I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

No one grins like Samwell/ no one wins like Samwell/ no one’s brushing aside carnal sins like Samwell

Also I legit forgot that the Citadel decides if it’s winter so I was like “birds??? for??? oh, oh RIGHT” Birds from the Ivory Weather Channel

The Twins

FREY PIE WE GOT THE FREY PIE

So kids if you haven’t read the books, this isn’t really a spoiler, just a…thing?  idk. Anyway, a northern lord (not Arya) gets understandably pissed at Walder Frey, the world’s most disgusting grandfather, and legit cuts up some of his sons and serves them to him.  We don’t see it but it is discussed and it’s basically canon like how the Tower of Joy is canon and I am apparently a bloodthirsty monster because I was like YESSSSS IT’S THE PIESSSS.  It’s very Titus Andronicus except dirtier and no Mrs. Norris.  So yeah, the pie thing.  Heh, heh.

This was a cool scene to see played out, but it seemed pretty fan-service-y for not much reason, and also why can some people travel quickly and others *ahemSam* take a whole season to go the same distance?  I would just like some consistency in my entirely made-up world OKAY.  I wasn’t a big fan of Arya’s whole plot line, especially the part where A Man Has No Qualms About Letting a Revenge Monster Go Into the World.  There’s gotta be like, a better system.  Why would she be able to beat the Waif, why do they just let her go, etc etc.  I also saw someone saying that watching Arya smile while a man bled to death from the neck was “a scary turn” for her character and I gotta disagree there.  She’s been morally questionable and violent from day one.  She has a *hit list.*  Grab ya Glocks when you see Arya Stark.

Winterfell

Hi. Davos. Crying for days.  Months.  Possibly forever.  Whoever is writing for Liam Cunningham is amazing, Liam Cunningham is perfect, and this sceeeeeene.  Davos’ friendship with Shireen was one of the few shining lights in this whole disaster saga, and the show murdered her, and Davos found out, because of course he did.

Melisandre’s line about of course she burned her, but so did her father, and so did her mother, was a really good line if you accept the premise that Stannis would burn Shireen which I don’t because I’m a Stan-nis and nope. But let’s pretend for a moment.  Davos just rushing through all of his feelings about Shireen means he’s also rushing through all his feelings about Stannis, and telling Melisandre that he was not the Prince that was Promised is some heavyyyy shitttttt.  He’s not even confronting the fact that Stannis is dead, it’s that he wasn’t even good. DAVOS.  MY HEART.  Show Davos is sassier than book Davos and a bit more light-hearted and tbh I actually really like it and so when he says “she was good, and kind, and you killed her” I’M CRYING FOREVER.  Seriously this scene made me a mess and it was very, very necessary.

Then there’s Jon and Sansa who I will gladly watch being freaking ADORABLE for the next decade my tiny precious babies with snow in their hair omgggg.  I’m still not sold on the JonBun but the SansaBraid can stay.  And to the show’s credit, I could not entirely get a good read on how they ended their relationship in this episode.  Is Sansa mad?  Is Jon unsure?  Can we just put Lyanna Mormont in charge? Is there time? (just kidding OR AM I).  The whole “The King in the North” thing was about as subtle as a Theon-instigated beheading (look it’s like ROBB remember how THAT WORKED OUT) but it still warmed my frozen heart and I definitely want to see how this plays out, especially when Jon gets up and is like “now that you’re all my servants no take-backsies THERE ARE A LOTTTT OF ICE ZOMBIES”

Littlefinger has got to go.  I don’t know why they didn’t just let Aiden Gillen talk how he talks, but he always sounds like he has a patch of wool on the roof of his mouth, and his lines are garbage.  He is a mustache-twirling, creep-talking skinny-ass douchebag in a shiny bathrobe and he’s been bugging me from day 1.  I don’t know if the writers are like “he’s the most mysterious of allllll the characters look how *interesting*” but his plot is no, his face is no, his lines is no, you need to let it Snow.  “Chaos isn’t a pit, chaos is a ladder” oh FUCK OFF this is a terrible speech, you’re terrible, Sansa isn’t taking you to the prom go AWAY.  I saw someone on the internet say something about how Sansa looking at Petyr while the room is chanting “The King in the North” is significant because she might be plotting with him now that the room chose Jon over her.  I’m not buying it.  That stare was less “let’s plot” and more “I wish I had Matila Wormwood powers and could make your death by stabbing look like an accident.”

Anyway Winter is Here and I’m excited to see what’s going on.  Really just needed some Brienne and Tormund.

Meereen

Okay let’s get the requisite stuff out of the way – WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE WESTEROS, FINALLY.  Bay of Dragons is not subtle.  We apparently had to paint every single boat and sail, which explains why it’s taken a thousand years to start the journey.  I appreciate the show’s commitment to “let’s just hand Tyrion things he marginally deserves” (get it, *Hand* him things?… I’ll show myself out), and while I’m interested to see where this goes, that pin belongs to Barristan Selmy you jerkfaces.  BARRISTAN DESERVED BETTER okay okay okay I’m back, I’m okay

then, this show did the best thing that could ever happen to me

This was the best thing that has ever happened to me on this entire stupid show.  I could not contain my glee because this was the best. goddamn. moment. ever.

Dany’s “boy, bye” speech and the ensuing conversation was like Christmas and my birthday and passing the bar all wrapped into one glorious moment.  It was cookie dough ice cream.  It was warm towels on your lap right out of the dryer.  It was raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.  I’m smiling right now as I write this.  You better call Daario with the blue hair.

First of all, we know that she’s dumping him because she’s gonna date Asha/Yara (I have named this ship the Iron Fleet and I am BOARDED) ANYWAY

Daario, if Game of Thrones characters were TV shows, you would be Two and a Half Men plus The Big Bang Theory plus some other show that we’re supposed to like but fucking sucks I don’t even know you stupid stupid generic-ass triflin’-ass not-good-enough-for-the-Warcraft-movie-ass-lookin’ Jorah 2.0 without the pretty neckscarf or “tragic” backstory you got SCHOOLED and it was the most beautiful thing of all time.  She tells you she needs you to stay in Meereen to make sure it doesn’t collapse.  Somewhere in your “if we were in America my name would be Matt and I’d be wearing khakis” brain, you must remember swearing your life to her.  She is dumping you to go be queen, and understandably so.  Your reaction is a slightly more elegant version of “SCUZE ME MISS CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND YOU A GODDESS…what you can’t say hello back? whatever bitch u ugly anyway.”  Like, seriously, “I hope you enjoy your throne”?  Mr. Daario, sir, did you think the whole Seven Kingdoms thing was her side chick that was fun to mess around with while pursuing her true goal of Netflix and chill forever with your dusty fuckboy ass?  How did you *think* this was gonna end?  If you answered “in a way that will make Christina giggle for weeks when she thinks about it” YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR.

This scene was my equivalent of Bill Pullman’s Independence Day speech. hashtag blessed

 

This season did some really good work.  There was a noticeable drop in terrible things happening to women, and they got to do some stuff that seemed actually reasonable.  I also did so much better watching this show when there’s no books to compare it to.  I’m here for next season, and I will be hoping and praying for Tormienne to take off like the precious flock of doves it is.  Brienne x Tormund forever