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Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: “Eastwatch”

August 19, 2017

Y’all this has been a rough week for me, so this recap is weaker than Daario’s innate appeal

I may be in dire straights but I still got jokes don’t you worry

I hella did not like this ep so this’ll just be me, whining briefly, and I’ll be back next week with something decent I promise, I PROMISE

Here there be Dragons

uuughhh this was just, bad

The one tiny good moment was allowing Tyrion to walk through the charred battlefield – that was a hell of a shot, and Dinklage, my dude, when you do a good moment you DO a GOOD MOMENT and this was a nice shot.

Bronn and his adamantium skeleton and Aqua-Man lung capacity dragging Jaime a mile underwater in full armor what the fucking fuck is that

Like I have rewatched Fast Five, in which the gang drags a safe through Brazil, and even I was like “okay this is kinda unrealistic”

First of all, we recast Dickon with Hopper who 1. wears 80 layers in all of his scenes despite being grade-A top sirloin made of pectorals and 2. gets killed off in 5 episodes so what was the *point*, y’all.  Yes, I realize this is more about the previous actor being unavailable than anything else but what was the point in giving him or Randyll any dialogue.  And since when is Randyll like, a Westeros birther?  Daenerys Stormborn, Breaker of Chains, Holder of the Long-form Birth Certificate.  Idk idk this was a characterization mess.

Dany and Tyrion are not much better.  Dany all like “other monarchs may murder but I only murder if you don’t worship at my feet so I’m suuuuper different” and please let someone else on Twitter step to me about “well yeah they’re drawing parallels with Aerys” OH ARE THEY DO TELL.  Just, try to be more subtle, if we’re going to decide to be all “ooooohhh is Dany gooooood or eeeevvilllll”.

For the record, I do not think Dany is good.  She has the potential to be a not-terrible ruler, but she is not good, per se.

King’s Landing

Gendry – the good kind of fan service

No, seriously, I’m totally fine with him being back. He was fun to watch, him and Arya help ruin my life in a good way (“you wouldn’t be my family; you’d be my lady” NO ONE TOUCH ME I’M NOT OKAY), and I actually buy his interactions with Davos and the father/son relationship.  Davos lost a son (in the books, his 4 oldest) at Blackwater, and to find someone kind of the same age as his oldest and try to save him, especially from Melisandre, just, unf.  I’ll take it, show.  Ya done good.

Also very very enjoyed watching him bribe the Lannister soldiers, and watching Hammertime take ’em out.  This is what we missed out on for Davos – watching him be an excellent smuggler, and someone who this entire world genuinely could use.  He can feed starving people, he approaches things in a unique way, and his instinct for problems isn’t “I will hit it, and if it doesn’t go away I will hit it harder, and if it still doesn’t go away I will get a sharper sword.”  I high-key adore Davos, Liam Cunningham is perfect, and just, good job, show.

*whispering* where are Euron’s ships? oh are they in a holding pattern in the Shivering Sea of Sit Here Until We Need a Plot Device? fuck this showwww

This is a throwback to the end of book 3, but again, I really wish that they had kept Jaime’s fuck-you to Tyrion at the end of season 4.  The tension would be huge and actually appropriate!  We’re riding right now on Jaime’s being angry about Tywin, and although Nikolaj is acting the hellllll out of it (seriously, dude, props, you’re doing amazing sweetie), I’m not sold that Jaime would be this upset about Tywin’s death for this long.  This meeting was stupid, I don’t like it, grumblegrumble.

I’ve seen a lot of people ask if Cersei is faking her pregnancy.  I don’t think she is, but I also cannot be arsed to care about it.  It is boring.  I am bored.  Also why does everyone keep using Bronn to do things if he sells you out to literally everyone else?  Like, Lannister family, sit down for a second: there are other sellswords.  There are other…anything.  This family makes me feel like I’m having an intervention with a set of siblings that only likes Burger King fries and I have to bring them to Wendy’s and McDonald’s and Chick-fil-A and Five Guys.  The options are obvious, they are numerous, and they’re still all mediocre because THIS IS A STUPID PLOT DEVICE.  I need Jerome Flynn to get worse at being fun immediately because I’m sick of getting mad about fries.

SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T MATTER

Dragonstone

(one quick thing – YASSS good good job with Jon petting Drogon this was a good moment this was good acting for Kit yes good job show this was a shining star in a dark and crappy sky of an episode)

Jorahhhhh the Fedoooooraaaaaa makes his triumphant return (*tips helmet* m’khaleesi) to his long-lost love oh my GOD WHY IS HE NOT DEAD.  STOP, SHOW.  This series is big on “hey even people we’re interested in totes die” and curing Jorah is veering into Terry Goodkind “you are unique, Richard Cypher” territory.  He doesn’t even *matter*, just let him be *dead*, no one *cares*.

A friend also pointed out that they’re totally using him to stir things up with Jon and Dany and I did not sign up for a love triangle, no sirree.  If I wanted to watch Twilight I’d fucking watch Twilight.  I don’t want to watch medieval Forks, Washington where Jon and Jorah are both Edward and it’s somehow more boring.  Jorah sold people into slaveryyyyy he sucksssss.  Also a reminder for those playing at home – our trilby-topped shithead sold people into slavery to try to cover the debts he incurred keeping his wife happy.  He makes awful decisions, and makes even worse ones when he’s in love, and he’s just the worsttttt.  Let’s let him turn into a statue and then tear down the statue.

I really hope that they all got in that boat and made it up to the Wall that fast because Gendry got so good at rowing that he can go like 80 knots over the water

How long

does it take

to get places

you stupid, stupid show

“oh we’ve condensed things for fewer episodes” this isn’t motherfucking A Wrinkle in Time, do the work or look stupid and I guess you’ve chosen ‘look stupid’

Oldtown

I really can’t totally talk about this without spoilers(???) so it’s at the bottom.  I don’t even know if they count.  Sorry, guys.

Winterfell

This was 95% awful but credit to the show for bringing back Sansa’s letter from season 1, I do at least like when the show remembers that shit happened before it picked its faves and ran with it

I super don’t like the Arya/Sansa tension, not because there wouldn’t be tension, but this seems like a pointless set of tension.  Arya trying to push Sansa into taking control by being like “u liek Krabby Patties don’t u Squidward” is weird and makes no sense, other than a shit-stirring move.

Arya attended the Milford School with Buster Bluth, apparently, and instead of writing or working on characterization we just decided to tell Maisie and Aidan to look around corners for 6 minutes and just film that.

Yes, I *get* that the whole point of this is to show that Arya is not as smart as she thinks she is, I *know* this.  I knew this years ago.  I do not need to be beaten over the head with it, and I absolutely don’t need to have Littlefinger deliver this information to me, either.  Extra even more so because the show has decided that he’s not even that smart, just creepy, and I stg if the goal here is to set up a fight between Sansa and Arya because Baelish somehow got his hands on a letter Sansa wrote at the age of 12 trying to save her father from being executed and Arya can’t recognize that I will *scream.*  I WILL SCREEEEEAM.  I saw people saying like “oh no Arya will get mad at Littlefinger, tho!” why would that happen, in this plot.  Please can Brienne just kill Petyr and we can all go home PLEASE

To Catch a Predator

This is the worst and most idiotic fanfiction I have ever seen in my fandom life, and it is now greenlit as the adaptation.  We’re literally gonna send out the goddamn Breakfast Club to grab an ice zombie to bring it to Cersei like a cat with a mouse and maybe she’ll help with this stuff are you KIDDING.  ARE YOU *KIDDING.*  This entire thing is “so Hardhome was the least hated episode of Season 5 and we should do it again” and I am just….why.  Why do I watch this stupid show with stupid Jon “The Others Whisperer” Snow running out to trap one of these fuckers so a lady who hates you and would gladly see you all dead will help you.  Davos, buddy, you’re smart, why are you doing this.  And Beric?  I get the idea of doing dumb things for ***aesthetic*** (I own high heels) but if you are running into Interior Greenland, But Worse on the stupidest fucking errand ever to exist just so you can light your sword on fire I stg, Beric, I STG

AND THOROS U SHOULD KNOW BETTER, U N UR TOPKNOT

I need Sandor to drop an absolutely devastating “why are we doing this” line next week, and I’m still gonna hate this plot, and obviously we’re setting this up for someone to die, and I just…I don’t care.  Watch Jorah like, re-catch greyscale from a wight and die that way.

I AM GRUMPYYYYYYYYY NERDRAGE OUT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ollllddddtown spoilerrssssss maybe idk idk below

So I absolutely adore John Bradley, he is my favorite cast member and this was actually a particularly strong scene for him in a show that gives him not much range but when they let him he kills it (“open the *fucking* gate” was a heck of a moment) and this was another great example but it was so out of character and he trampled over a potentially series-changing plot point and what. why. why did this happen.

We seriously got writers out here like “this maester annulled Elia and Rhaegar’s marriage and wrote it in his diary” and now Jon’s legitimate and what. whatttttt.  This was a hell of a twist but a delivery failure.  It doesn’t matter if you make the most bomb-ass cake for that fancy wedding; if you drop it taking it out of the truck, the couple gonna be pissed.  Sam doesn’t usually talk over Gilly, he listens to her, and for him to be this frustrated at a group of old dudes who don’t ever do anything is weird, and why were we even here if you were just gonna scrape off Jorah’s poison oak and annoy Slughorn.  I love you, John Bradley, and I’m genuinely sorry for not liking this scene, but I didn’t like this scene.

Yes yes holy shit Jon’s legitimate holy shit I agree it’s a big deal but B&W being like *wink wink* u catch that guys??? is not fun and I don’t like it.  So all we need to do now is get Gilly and Drogon together and they’ll compare notes and Jon’s the heir hoorayyyy.

 

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4: “The Spoils of War”

August 10, 2017

Super sorry for the delay – life and lawyering happened like, a LOT this week, and it wasn’t even fun lawyering, it was “why am I not allowed to put grown adults in a time out” kinda lawyering.  Plus I had the Gummi Bears theme song stuck in my head while waiting for court appearances yes hi please trust me with your legal matter BOUNCING HERE AND THERE AND EVERYWHERE

I’m sorry if you only like reading these when I get angry, because even though I will still have some anger for this episode, this review is gonna be mostly positive – I really liked this dang episode.  This was the director’s first swing at this show and he frankly hit a home run.  I’m just v v pleased, y’all – this show can do a heck of a battle scene and when it’s good it’s just really quite good.  This entire episode felt very *not* George R. R. Martin’s writing (the dialogue and some of the plotting felt almost too clear and straightforward) but it felt pretty true to the characterization, and as much as we like to see plot happen to our characters on this show, this series *is* character-driven.  Just, thumbs-up, you stupid jerk show, ya done good, kid.

Also no Euron lol

I’m trying to break this up by scenes this time and we’ll see how it goes idk idk

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Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 3: “The Queen’s Justice”

August 1, 2017

Heyyyy friends slightly less yelling this episode but still some yelling of course and I think this post is super long idk idk I’m sorry or not sorry? if you like reading it? ugh I’m a cesspool of fan emotion

This ep: absolutely delicious dialogue and cinematography and plot holes the size of Jupiter

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Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1: “Dragonstone”

July 17, 2017

Welllllcome back to your favorite friendly neighborhood dorkathon.  I am excited to be here, and again, if you’re liking what’s happening here, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down, if you’re okayI’llstop, there is a donate button in the top right corner of this page.

Also, if this is your first time here: I used to state my spoiler policy, which was that spoilers were present through the current episode, but nothing past there into the books or otherwise.  Since we are in uncharted territory, I really don’t think I have much of a spoiler policy, other than like, watch the episode first.

Additionally, I normally divide up the action by location, and I will still try to do this, but some characters are migrating around, so I’m going to do my best to group this to my own satisfaction and complaints may be directed to the Arryns’ Moon Door.  hashtagmyblogmyrules Continue Reading…

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 trailer breakdown

May 30, 2017

Oh snap oh SNAP

So now that I’ve accepted that the show is just gonna be kinda weird and not canon and a little fan-service-y, I’ve been having a better time with it.  Season 6 was miles better than Season 5, and Season 7 will be even better if for no other reason than we don’t have Daario. Will I still continue to reference his mediocre ass?  YOU BETCHA

It’s trailer time LEGGO Continue Reading…

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

What Game of Thrones characters are up to between seasons 6 and 7

January 17, 2017

Jorah – is chilling at a greyscale cure hospital; has been practicing an acoustic version of Counting Crows’ “Rain King” for months; they are withholding his treatment until he stops warbling “I BELOOOONG ANYWHERE BUT IN BETWEEN”


 

Sansa – listening to Faith Hill’s “Cry” and plotting Baelish’s death

Wait that’s me

But also Sansa


Arya – just getting creepier by the day and just morphing into a more deadly Wednesday Addams

*Mushu from Mulan voice* My little baby off to destroy people


Bran – I’m a motherf*ckin’ Stark boy

Everyone else, esp. Meera – look what you’ve done


Cersei – blew up another chunk of the city because why not, this reign isn’t sustainable might as well wreck the place so they remember you

Also she has purchased even larger shoulder pads


Jaime – is frantically writing a letter to Brienne

“my sister girlfriend is cray can I come stay with you???”


Brienne – to Sansa, reading said letter: “omg what do I text back? Like I don’t wanna seem too desperate, and ugh I’m like starting this thing with Tormund maybe??? Like that beard, tho, plus he’s gonna be in the next Fast and Furious movie, but Jaime and I have *history,* you know?”


Tormund – filming Fast 8 (no really)

(I am PSYYYYYYCHED but also my HEART no seriously I genuinely enjoy the Fast and Furious movies and was very emotional over Paul Walker and I adore Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson and idk guys the heart wants what it wants)

(also if you haven’t watched the trailer yet go do it)

(Ours is the Furious)


Dany – *just intensely blasting Seven Nation Army on repeat until she lands*


Jon – “Dear Diary, literally all I want is to deeply mourn my girlfriend and pet my deathdoggie and play CoD with my half sister, but people keep putting me in charge of things

like

can u not

if it’s because of the man bun I will at least…strongly consider not wearing it anymore but no guarantees”


Sam – *continues to make that starry-eyed face indefinitely*

Gilly – okay I’m psyched that you’re psyched but I still can’t come into your manbookcave and you’re gonna be there forever so what’s the fucken plan, Mr. Gamgee


Davos – tbh I’m not sure because if I think about him too hard I start tearing up DON’T TOUCH ME

like are we gonna make him Jon’s Hand? Is that the goal? idek just don’t hurt him for like six days okay, please


Melisandre – negotiating her number of topless scenes while stating “it’s been 84 years” like old Rose in Titanic


Sandor – murdering

like this isn’t a real question, what’s he up to? murder


 

Olenna – bein’ fresh to death and sassing the heck out of everyone

Dorne – *siiiiiiigh* how did they get this so wrong

Like Alexander Siddig laughing in the background all “I MAY BE DEAD BUT I’M OUT THIS PLOTLINE HEYYOOOO”

Pedro Pascal just smirking “miss me yet?” SO MUCH, BOO, SO MUCH

I literally just had to go look up the Sand Snakes’ names, because I care so little, and now I’m mad because they are pretty cool in the books, or at least not terrible

I FIGHT FOR DORNE, WHO DO YOU FIGHT FOR idk like, better writers, I guess, and less stupid


Yara – dating Dany

for the record, this ship is called “The Iron Fleet” and I am On Board

It’s not really called that, I just call it that but they’d make a really cute couple


Theon – getting better therapy than “rub some dirt in it” from his sister, I hope


Tyrion – receiving something he hasn’t earned

Your Fave is Problematic


 

Margaery and The Blackfish and Roose Bolton – off commiserating somewhere that they didn’t get great death scenes

The Blackfish because his was off camera and it gets reported to us by some nameless soldier goshdarn it I’m still mad about it

Roose because that was bullshit and if Ramsay was ever gonna kill him it’d be with poison because Ramsay is a coward (miss u and ur swishy cloak, Roose)

Margaery because her last outfit was a turtleneck with like 8 layers and girl is not about that life


Euron – “building” ships with the exactly zero trees that are on the Iron Islands uuggghh worst kingsmoot ever


Daario – LOLOLOL WHO CARES HE OFF THE SHOW doofus Keith who plays the Red and Yellow Knight at Medieval Times on Tuesdays and for two shows on Fridays got dropped like the generic sidepiece he is

 

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 10: “The Winds of Winter”

July 20, 2016

*grins with delight and digs in*

Also quick Emmys thing: Lena you perfect thing you deserved this, Maisie you’re great but idkkkk especially not this season with your silly billy ploy, Peter Dinklage???? and OMG KIT, YES.  Kit has been killing this frequently sad-sack writing role for years and he deserves it.  Sophie Turner needed one, though.

King’s Landing

Shoutout to whoever did the music for this episode, you kiiiiiiilled it.  Like 2005’s Pride and Prejudice except in a minor key with murder in our hearts.

This freakin’ first twenty minutes, tho.  My God.  I was in from the second Cersei’s outfit went Kill ‘Em With the Shoulders/Mockingjay and it just got better.  Loras’ confession was actually kind of difficult to watch, perhaps because marriage equality is celebrating one year, but dang, boo, you sold that performance.  Also I get that you have to carve the thing in his head but could we not get him like a Band-Aid after he’s confessed? That’s just unnecessary.  My heart also broke for Margaery, because she thought she was keeping her brother safe, and she wasn’t, and ahhhh 🙁 🙁 🙁

Also Willas Tyrell, somewhere in the distance: “hey there I’m the heir”

Thank you to Pycelle, who had our last Unnamed Boobs sighting of the season (we get it he’s gross why, why you gotta…*sigh*).   Could have done with about one thousand percent less of the creepy children.  Creepy children with knives.  Creepy children who Et tu, Brute’d an old man preeeeetty horrifically.  Like, you gotta make the kids do that, Dr. Frankenstein?  Seriously?  Why? There is not enough Westerosi therapy in the world for those kids, and your literal day job is making patchwork slaughterzombies, so maybe next time *you* stab him.

Then there’s Lancel, whose fraternity pledging has seen better weeks, getting extra-crispy but the green reflected nicely in his eyes

This was…wow.  I did not see it coming until it was there, and while I know people were calling bullshit on Margaery figuring it out, I actually felt it was pretty reasonable.  She has always been legitimately smart, and I’m sorry to see her character go, especially in the highest neckline we’ve ever seen her in.  This was some serious, serious shit, it was very very Cersei, and I loved it.  I loved it, I thought it was genius, I thought the tension was perfectly played, and just…damn, show.  You did good work.  Blackwater looked better but daytime is hard, CGI folks, I feel ya.

So, Tommen.  I did not expect this at all.  This little dude is like the child of Colbie Callait’s discography and a kitten and just. Umf. Idk.  I also got very nerdragey like “the fuck kinda line of succession is this” but Andrew pointed out that she’s not like “according to laws I am queen” she’s like “according to death I am queen do you wanna fight me no you don’t”  I get it, and it is an interesting twist, and yes the Maggy prophecy, and yes, Tommen was almost certainly not going to last forever, but it just seemed…off.  I’m settling in to accepting Cersei’s reaction: each of her children’s deaths seems to affect her less, and perhaps that was the goal, but I’m not sure she ever truly accepted that prediction as the truth, so I’m surprised she wasn’t more affected, especially by Tommen, who was not objectively evil.

But anyway. Lena Headey.  The dress.  The wine.  “Shame. Shame. Shame.” That bell crushing people while she’s standing there smiling like “I got 99 problems but a sept ain’t one” and like, Kevan Lannister is in there, and the High Sparrow, and Mace Tyrell, and just… damn, Daniel.  At it *again.* It is also a perfectly Cersei move in that it ends all of her immediate problems while completely fucking her for the future.

I loved it, I loved it, all the way up through Jaime’s “goddamit I leave for FIVE MINUTES and everything falls apar- honey? Honey, what happened to the…hooooly shit. okay. Ohhhhkay.”  Someone also pointed out to me that Jaime became the Kingslayer when he tried to prevent a ruling monarch from…burning down the city.  Gah. GAHHHH.

Beyond the Wall

Hi Benjen (Coldhands?)

Bye, Benjen

Well done, bringing back an actor from Season 1 (who is still pretty fly for wight guy, still would tbh) who I guess had to keep his facial hair like that for a while? Anyway, Bran is still kinda the worst, Meera is still the glue that holds literally everything together, and OH THAT’S RIGHT WE GOT THE ENDING TO THE TOWER OF JOY MY HEART.  MY HEART, GUYS.  MY HEART IS FALLING TO PIECES PICK THEM UP NED PATRICK HARRIS PROMISE ME.

I do absolutely wish they had kept this as one single cut scene (not split it between episodes) but you know what? They did the thing and it was lovely and I teared up and y’all can stay, Thrones.  That’ll do, pig.

Dorne

Cry. ing. laugh. ing. for DAYS

Olenna saying what we all wanted to say

“the fuck is this? the fuck is you?”

Also did she call her Barbaro? Like, the beloved late racehorse? I’m not opposed I just wanted to be sure

I love her so much, this plot is still a trashpile, can we still not coordinate accents for the brown people, Varys can apparently Apparate, black looks good on the Queen of Thorns, I miss Oberyn, this plot is a trashpile, where is Arianne, can we spend more time acting and writing than landscaping, this plot is a trashpile

Also I am still mad that they labeled Sunspear “Dorne”

Oldtown

*bird*

hey guys winter’s here get out ur coats n stuff

*bird out*

Samwell you precious being too good for this world, carrying the world’s worst-concealed sword and bringing an actual woman and baby into the Thunderdome, adorably talking to the librarian who is the Most Done, telling this old dude that yeah sorry everyone you thought you knew is dead here’s a note from my mom.  Jon Snow is Sam’s mom.  He is.

Sam then goes on to do his best Belle impression and in that moment I swear we were infinite I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

No one grins like Samwell/ no one wins like Samwell/ no one’s brushing aside carnal sins like Samwell

Also I legit forgot that the Citadel decides if it’s winter so I was like “birds??? for??? oh, oh RIGHT” Birds from the Ivory Weather Channel

The Twins

FREY PIE WE GOT THE FREY PIE

So kids if you haven’t read the books, this isn’t really a spoiler, just a…thing?  idk. Anyway, a northern lord (not Arya) gets understandably pissed at Walder Frey, the world’s most disgusting grandfather, and legit cuts up some of his sons and serves them to him.  We don’t see it but it is discussed and it’s basically canon like how the Tower of Joy is canon and I am apparently a bloodthirsty monster because I was like YESSSSS IT’S THE PIESSSS.  It’s very Titus Andronicus except dirtier and no Mrs. Norris.  So yeah, the pie thing.  Heh, heh.

This was a cool scene to see played out, but it seemed pretty fan-service-y for not much reason, and also why can some people travel quickly and others *ahemSam* take a whole season to go the same distance?  I would just like some consistency in my entirely made-up world OKAY.  I wasn’t a big fan of Arya’s whole plot line, especially the part where A Man Has No Qualms About Letting a Revenge Monster Go Into the World.  There’s gotta be like, a better system.  Why would she be able to beat the Waif, why do they just let her go, etc etc.  I also saw someone saying that watching Arya smile while a man bled to death from the neck was “a scary turn” for her character and I gotta disagree there.  She’s been morally questionable and violent from day one.  She has a *hit list.*  Grab ya Glocks when you see Arya Stark.

Winterfell

Hi. Davos. Crying for days.  Months.  Possibly forever.  Whoever is writing for Liam Cunningham is amazing, Liam Cunningham is perfect, and this sceeeeeene.  Davos’ friendship with Shireen was one of the few shining lights in this whole disaster saga, and the show murdered her, and Davos found out, because of course he did.

Melisandre’s line about of course she burned her, but so did her father, and so did her mother, was a really good line if you accept the premise that Stannis would burn Shireen which I don’t because I’m a Stan-nis and nope. But let’s pretend for a moment.  Davos just rushing through all of his feelings about Shireen means he’s also rushing through all his feelings about Stannis, and telling Melisandre that he was not the Prince that was Promised is some heavyyyy shitttttt.  He’s not even confronting the fact that Stannis is dead, it’s that he wasn’t even good. DAVOS.  MY HEART.  Show Davos is sassier than book Davos and a bit more light-hearted and tbh I actually really like it and so when he says “she was good, and kind, and you killed her” I’M CRYING FOREVER.  Seriously this scene made me a mess and it was very, very necessary.

Then there’s Jon and Sansa who I will gladly watch being freaking ADORABLE for the next decade my tiny precious babies with snow in their hair omgggg.  I’m still not sold on the JonBun but the SansaBraid can stay.  And to the show’s credit, I could not entirely get a good read on how they ended their relationship in this episode.  Is Sansa mad?  Is Jon unsure?  Can we just put Lyanna Mormont in charge? Is there time? (just kidding OR AM I).  The whole “The King in the North” thing was about as subtle as a Theon-instigated beheading (look it’s like ROBB remember how THAT WORKED OUT) but it still warmed my frozen heart and I definitely want to see how this plays out, especially when Jon gets up and is like “now that you’re all my servants no take-backsies THERE ARE A LOTTTT OF ICE ZOMBIES”

Littlefinger has got to go.  I don’t know why they didn’t just let Aiden Gillen talk how he talks, but he always sounds like he has a patch of wool on the roof of his mouth, and his lines are garbage.  He is a mustache-twirling, creep-talking skinny-ass douchebag in a shiny bathrobe and he’s been bugging me from day 1.  I don’t know if the writers are like “he’s the most mysterious of allllll the characters look how *interesting*” but his plot is no, his face is no, his lines is no, you need to let it Snow.  “Chaos isn’t a pit, chaos is a ladder” oh FUCK OFF this is a terrible speech, you’re terrible, Sansa isn’t taking you to the prom go AWAY.  I saw someone on the internet say something about how Sansa looking at Petyr while the room is chanting “The King in the North” is significant because she might be plotting with him now that the room chose Jon over her.  I’m not buying it.  That stare was less “let’s plot” and more “I wish I had Matila Wormwood powers and could make your death by stabbing look like an accident.”

Anyway Winter is Here and I’m excited to see what’s going on.  Really just needed some Brienne and Tormund.

Meereen

Okay let’s get the requisite stuff out of the way – WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE WESTEROS, FINALLY.  Bay of Dragons is not subtle.  We apparently had to paint every single boat and sail, which explains why it’s taken a thousand years to start the journey.  I appreciate the show’s commitment to “let’s just hand Tyrion things he marginally deserves” (get it, *Hand* him things?… I’ll show myself out), and while I’m interested to see where this goes, that pin belongs to Barristan Selmy you jerkfaces.  BARRISTAN DESERVED BETTER okay okay okay I’m back, I’m okay

then, this show did the best thing that could ever happen to me

This was the best thing that has ever happened to me on this entire stupid show.  I could not contain my glee because this was the best. goddamn. moment. ever.

Dany’s “boy, bye” speech and the ensuing conversation was like Christmas and my birthday and passing the bar all wrapped into one glorious moment.  It was cookie dough ice cream.  It was warm towels on your lap right out of the dryer.  It was raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.  I’m smiling right now as I write this.  You better call Daario with the blue hair.

First of all, we know that she’s dumping him because she’s gonna date Asha/Yara (I have named this ship the Iron Fleet and I am BOARDED) ANYWAY

Daario, if Game of Thrones characters were TV shows, you would be Two and a Half Men plus The Big Bang Theory plus some other show that we’re supposed to like but fucking sucks I don’t even know you stupid stupid generic-ass triflin’-ass not-good-enough-for-the-Warcraft-movie-ass-lookin’ Jorah 2.0 without the pretty neckscarf or “tragic” backstory you got SCHOOLED and it was the most beautiful thing of all time.  She tells you she needs you to stay in Meereen to make sure it doesn’t collapse.  Somewhere in your “if we were in America my name would be Matt and I’d be wearing khakis” brain, you must remember swearing your life to her.  She is dumping you to go be queen, and understandably so.  Your reaction is a slightly more elegant version of “SCUZE ME MISS CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND YOU A GODDESS…what you can’t say hello back? whatever bitch u ugly anyway.”  Like, seriously, “I hope you enjoy your throne”?  Mr. Daario, sir, did you think the whole Seven Kingdoms thing was her side chick that was fun to mess around with while pursuing her true goal of Netflix and chill forever with your dusty fuckboy ass?  How did you *think* this was gonna end?  If you answered “in a way that will make Christina giggle for weeks when she thinks about it” YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR.

This scene was my equivalent of Bill Pullman’s Independence Day speech. hashtag blessed

 

This season did some really good work.  There was a noticeable drop in terrible things happening to women, and they got to do some stuff that seemed actually reasonable.  I also did so much better watching this show when there’s no books to compare it to.  I’m here for next season, and I will be hoping and praying for Tormienne to take off like the precious flock of doves it is.  Brienne x Tormund forever

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 8: No One

June 17, 2016

I am such garbage I’m so sorry hey there fellow kids tryna stay relevant

So this episode was a giant Mortal Kombat episode and I’m not that mad tbh

The Hound

Sandor Clegane is an absolute trashbag of a person and I love him to the stars and I don’t know why but I DOOOO.  “You’re shit at dying” is just a wonderful line and this entire scene was out of control gory and I loved it all.  Also a protip on Game of Thrones: if they haven’t given your character a name and you’re making dirty jokes you’re dead. If they have given you a name, you’re in the title sequence forever. I don’t make the rules.

I am pretty sure they brought back Beric just as a final “YOU’RE NOT GETTING STONEHEART DEAL WITH IT.” The Lord of Light has shone upon Beric for a reason and it is to keep the fans frustrated and Michelle Fairley out of a job.  I’m glad Thoros has jumped on the manbun bandwagon (bunwagon?) and we shall see where this plot goes in…two episodes? One, maybe. Idk.  Just one more shoutout to the perfect casting that is Rory McCann.  Did not need the dick pic but RORY.

Meereen

The scene with Tyrion and Varys was terribly written and poorly shot exposition and I feel like I should be thankful there wasn’t 1. a nameless naked woman in the background 2. Daario.  (Is it even a little possible that Drogon ate him like PLEASE, SHOW, DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ME) just uuughhh this scene was awful up to and including Varys’ little “turn arooooound bright eyes” lookback for no reason uuughh show do better.

THEN, we get yet another scene of “We Gave Up Writing For These Characters and Are Waiting For Daenerys.” I would prefer Missandei telling Tyrion to fuck off in 19 languages but no we have to watch “let’s play a game that shows my life was better than yours.”

GREY. WORM. My precious bb who was done with Tyrion’s garbage from day 1.  Grey Worm brought a gun to the knife fight at Amateur Standup Night.  Grey Worm has PT at 5 AM and is Not Here For Your Shit. Grey Worm works that v-neck.  Grey Worm has to go on patrol.  Grey Worm says YOU ARE DONE TALKING NOW BECAUSE YOU MESSED UP SO BAD. Unf, I enjoyed that scene.  Dany apparently had a hairdresser in the desert (which absolutely means at least one Dothraki lady christened her Dany with the Good Hair) and bursts in just in time to cut to the next scene idk idk I’m bored here and there’s dragons so that’s not a good sign.

King’s Landing

Lancel’s frat initiation is going well but could be going better

I realized in this episode that we’re not calling him Ser Robert Strong, we’re just owning up to the zombie Mountain and letting him rip people’s heads off.  Which is cool, I guess?  I just figured we’d be more uncomfortable about this but I guess not aaaand I apparently am not going anywhere with this idk just don’t be the first guy to rush the Mountain even if your Pi Delt brothers tell you to and its the last day of Hell Week

Tommen “We Are Not Counting Hanging Chads Any Longer” Baratheon and Cersei “Well, Fuck, I Am Screwed” Lannister sharing a lovely mother-son look over a barely-restrained mob, aka the populace

Can we not get Tommen a crown that fits him or

And for tonight’s other really clumsy exposition, we have Qyburn saying “yes, the poison for Kuzco, the poison made specifically to kill Kuzco, Kuzco’s poison” oh my GOD did we miss something? Like I legit thought maybe I had missed a conversation but no they were just crafting dialogue like “hey that thing we can’t say? yeah? got the deets got the hookup” dear God please make this plotline not atrocious in the last ep

Dorne

lolol just kidding fuck ur dreams

The Riverlands

YYYYYYYYEEEESSSSSSssss. I loved this I loved all of it even though I ship Brienne and Tormund really hard now oh mannnn I loved this.

I even did not hate Bronn in this, and I usually kinda hate Bronn, which is an unpopular opinion, but Bronn feels like a guy who would show up to your engagement party in a Jets jersey even though he knows its black tie and he owns a suit, hit on three of your friends, and burp when your mom tries to make a speech about how much she loves you. However, We Were All Bronn when he said “do you think they’re fucking.” Pod’s face, and then Bronn just rolls with it, and then “everyone wants to hit you,” and PODRICK. You and Brienne are not a brain trust but you are all that is pure in this world and I love you.

Meanwhile, in the tent of cheekbone perfection, we have a Great Scene and I love them both and Gwendoline has been carrying this entire season and I LOVE HER. This scene was a tiny tiny tiny bit overdone, but I really very much enjoyed the whole “what could have been” tone for it, and this was a really well-acted scene.

Jaime’s scene with Edmure apparently was not super well-liked, but I actually loved it.  When I was reading the books, his redemption arc seemed to constantly curve towards goodness, and then he gets this chapter in A Feast for Crows and literally tells a man he will catapult his infant son over a castle’s walls because Jaime Lannister still kinda dgaf. If this is what gets him back to Cersei he will kidnap a THOUSAND children before he sees this company die! (MONSTERS INC REFERENCE CHHHHECK)

Brynden “Baby Boomer Blackfish” Tully still doing the thing that most annoys everyone (“I don’t really like my job but no one else can have it”) and I just, idk. You deserved an on-screen death, sir.  I liked you.  You took a three-season potty break and that shows dedication.

Thank you showrunners for that dramatic Stare from the Boat I appreciate it v v much

Braavos

A Plot has no point

A Plot wasted two seasons

UUUUggghhh seriously this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb. First of all, Arya got stabbed the fuck in the stomach and Lady “I Have Poor Impulse Control and No Medical Training” Crane is not gonna be enough to fix you, boo.  This relationship didn’t make sense and it still doesn’t make sense and surprise surprise T-2000 shows up ready for murdering so Arya Connor can’t fuck up the future and uuuughhh.  Apparently stomach stabs are nbd when it comes to jumping out two-story windows and hitting the superhero land, and apparently no other assassins get trained while blind, which seems like a bad call.  The Waif had more training than you, no injuries, and probably also knows how to fight blind THIS WAS DUMB. THIS WAS REALLY DUMB.

And yes, thank you Sexy Nightshirt for being kind of impressed with her beating the Waif and okay FINE I appreciated his little tiny smile because I’m shallow and easily swayed but I was not fist-pumping at “a girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell and I am going home.” Girl you fucked up your internship real bad and what exactly are you going home to and what was the GODDAMN. POINT. OF THE LAST. TWO. SEASONS. At least the Mercy chapter in the book made some flipping sense and had some level of subtlety? Like she thought about it? And maybe wants to learn more than like 2 months and focus on something for a goddamn second?  Arya’s gonna go back and find Gendry and be like “yeah I liked Assassin School but it just like, wasn’t my *passion* you know? And I want to love what I do.” And Gendry will continue to row.

ALSO,  I wasn’t scared for her for a *second*. At no point in any of the scenes have I actually been nervous that she might die.

GRRM: “I like people to be scared for my heros, and scared to turn the page to see what happens to them”

D&D: haha nah

 

NEXT WEEK we get Bae and Bae-yond Horrible in a match to the death

TEAM MAN-BUN

 

 

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1: “The Red Woman”

April 27, 2016

GUESS WHO’S BACK / BACK AGAIN

Hey there fellow kids, I a back reviewing this on-fire garbage can of a show because I hate myself I guess idk idk.

The Wall

Okay so realtalk Ghost is the best part of this show don’t @ me.  Just an all-around great pupper and I will hear no discussion of the matter.

So I am not hating on how they’re handling this right now??? Like I’m honestly not mad?  Davos is Davos-ing real good: I particularly enjoyed his “you’ll have to come back later we’re trying to escape” line to Alliser Thorne.  Davos is best when he’s assessing the situation in a Gimli-esque fashion and he did a great job.  Also shoutout to Dolorous Edd for making me tear up.  Man, I hope that Kit had to actually lie there for all of these scenes, especially the ones where his eyes are open. “Kit don’t laugh, you’re messing up the shot. Don’t laugh, Kit. CHRISTOPHER, DO NOT LAUGH”

Alliser Thorne’s speech (despite being lit by a single candle a mile away like COME ON I get it but we wanna actually SEE the show) was quite good, and I don’t even mind that the dialect coach was like “okay I need you to sound like a slightly sloshed Edinburgh man in a pub after a hard-fought football win…no but even more accent.  More than that.  Keep going, I’ll tell you when.” In general, though, this is something I could picture happening in the books. Davos isn’t there when this goes down, but *shrug* I’m on board, and I’m interested to see how the wildlings play out.

If Melisandre could get like 5 minutes where she’s not trying to fuck someone that would be A+, and yes I am counting 1. the dudebros in the audience and 2. herself in a mirror.  This was also a silly reveal for me.  She can do magic.  We know. We read it in Hogwarts, a History.  Who cares. From my reading of the books she could be a crocodile for all we know. Emilio Unimpresstevez.  Additionally, a ton of the fandom lost their minds because we saw an older woman naked and OH MY GOD MY EYES.  Earlier in the episode we saw a spear come out of a man’s head but yes by all means continue in the vein of “elderly nudity is always repulsive.” Do better, show.

The North

If I have to watch one more goddamn minute of Ramsay doing anything but dying I stg

What can stay, though, is Roose Bolton’s consistent and complete disappointment in his son.  His brand is disdain and I am Here For It. Also thank you boo for the shoutout to Fat Walda, my favorite tertiary character, may she live forever.

And then we have Sansa and Reek and Brienne and Pod, and I don’t even care that perhaps it would have been difficult for Brienne to find them, because this scene was perfection.  Like I am borderline willing to forgive them for the rest of this episode because this scene exists.  Gwendoline Christie was criminally underused in The Force Awakens and I want to cry if I think about her or Brienne or this scene too much.  She just gives Sansa this look like she’s got a reason to live and to be a knight again, and Sansa AND Reek AND Pod all look at Brienne like their avenging angel savior.  And Pod prompting Sansa’s half of the oath???? TEARS FOR DAYS

This is the first time Sansa’s been around a person who is looking out for her in years and this is her FIRST HUG IN YEARS and oh God my heart my HEART, GUYS

King’s Landing

The entire Faith of the Seven plotline is being compared to the Inquisition with the subtlety of an axe wound and it looks like they’re going for two axe wounds this season.  We gon’ drag this out a few more eps, huh? Great, wake me up when Sept-ember ends

Jaime’s face on that boat is “yeah boo idk our daughter is non-canonically dead I don’t know what to tell you” and it’s kinda sad but it’s also kinda stupid. You know what else was stupid? Jaime’s speech to Cersei about “we will take back everything they took from us and more.” Homie, you are down two kids and a sword hand, it’s not like your apartment refused to give back your security deposit.  “Don’t worry Cersei, I will GROW ANOTHER HAND” like what is your goal here dude

Nickolaj is still really pretty and they are letting progressively lower ranking interns work on Cersei’s wigs’ color

Dorne

I

Okay

What

What happened here.  Like. Did we try, to do anything, at all, or.  Like you had Alexander Siddig (!!!) as Doran Martell (!!!!) and you did absolutely nothing and then killed him.  My assumption is that Siddig went to the producers and was like “okay I’ve watched Season 5 and you need to get me off this fucking sinking ship immediately no I don’t care if you murder me I am DONE” and then they in fact murdered him.

I had a tweet low-key blow up on Sunday and it said the below

“You let Oberyn be murdered” Okay not to be contrary but that was at least a *little* bit Oberyn’s fault #GameofThrones

Let’s set aside that book Ellaria is a flower made of feelings and really doesn’t want to see any more death.  Let’s set aside that Arianne is not in the show at all.  Let’s set aside the fact that portraying the Sand Snakes as Ellaria’s kids on the show is some Sally-Field-is-Tom-Hanks’-Mom-in-Forrest-Gump-level fantasy.  This entire plot line is so freaking stupid I don’t even know what to do.  Family is dead so let’s kill more family including Trystane whose only crime is having good hair?  Doran is stupid enough to get dead that way?  Areo Hotah??? is stupid enough??? to get dead that way??? And the Sand Snakes are absolute show poison and remind me of that weird bad lady in Transporter 2 (screw you guys I’m not the only one who likes Jason Statham)

The whole Oberyn thing is like a version of Louis CK’s “Of Course But Maybe” sketch.  Of course, when a person is killed in a fight to the death, it’s sad, of *course*.  It’s especially horrible when it’s incredibly violent and vicious, and the deceased’s family is there to see him die.  Of COURSE. …but *maybe*, if you volunteer as a champion in a trial by combat that is by law going to end in death and the guy you’re fighting is called The Mountain and he’s like basically undefeated and he kills you while you’re monologue-ing, it’s a tiny bit your fault??  Maybe, if you pick up a spear and come after a guy and the guy comes back at you, it’s not that weird??

Just like, B&W, you’re lost here, admit you’re lost, admit killing Myrcella was stupid, admit you’re a disaster, and atone for killing Doran Martell and wasting ours and Siddig’s time.

Meereen and surrounding areas

If I have to watch one more dramatic walk and talk on the parapets between Tyrion and Varys I stg like DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING.  Like maybe GUARD YOUR SHIPS, YOU DOOFUSES.  Tyrion is fascinating as a character but the show’s insistence on just handing him things is just obnoxious and nap-inducing.  And Tyrion, don’t worry about your Valyrian not being so good, since they’re writing “Kill the Masters” in English on the walls so *shrug*. I will give them props for Varys’ sassy comeback to Tyrion’s “we have to make them feel she hasn’t abandoned them” line, because “she did fly the fuck away on a dragon and hasn’t come back so” is pretty great.  Otherwise, I don’t care and I’m still mad about Barristan so this bodes well obvs.

And as to Dany, I’m not entirely sure how no one in charge of this khalasar knows who she is. Like there are not many white-haired queen-looking people around, and while I get they are supposed to be some kind of Noble Independent Savage (seriously the show aaaand the book to be honest started poorly with the Dothraki portrayal and has not gotten less racist) but does NO ONE know who she is???

This entire set of scenes squicked me out pretty badly.  They took the time to develop a whole new language and they wasted it on “I banged your grandma” jokes, which are awful jokes to begin with and even *less* okay because Dany is walking next to two men who are chatting about how they’ll rape her.  Like on what planet is this supposed to be amusing?  I don’t know if the goal there was to show how smart Dany is because she understands what they’re saying, but that doesn’t give her any power.  She just knows more details about her awful situation.  Same goes for her meeting Khal Moro: hahaha yeah we havin a battle about what the best thing in the world is while this lady is waiting to die NOPE NO THANKS.

And now to everyone’s favorite Baritone 2 at the Renaissance Faire’s “Lord Blakely’s Merry Men,” we have Daario, doing his absolute best to combine Aragorn’s scruffiness with Legolas’ distant looks and trying my patience to its ABSOLUTE LIMIT.  YOU ARE THE MOST GENERIC MAN EVER TO SIT ATOP A HORSE, AND I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOUR APPEAL.

TAKE ME DOWN TO THE PARADISE CITY / WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND THE DIALOGUE SHITTY

TAKE ME DOWN TO THE PARADISE CITY / WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND THE DIALOGUE SHITTY

This. This scene.  This is why I started reading A Song of Ice and Fire.  I wanted to watch one bro tease another bro about not being able to get that blonde queen booty while he most definitely has, while the second bro plots the first bro’s death and tries to remember the guitar fingerings for “Creep.”  This is what I signed up for and this is why I’m here.  This entire plotline needs to get greyscale I hate everything whyyyyy

Literally I’m just here so I don’t get fined/ can maybe see some Tullys and Greyjoys at some point WE OUT