(or, the Game of Thrones stuff our delicious capitalist system is trying to sell me in advance of Season 8 and why it is working on every possible count)
Guys, I want every bit of this. All of it. Whatever you are. Give me it. I am such Thrones trash that if you put the Iron Throne on a package of a toothbrush I will aggressively be like I SEE IT, I LIKE IT, I WANT IT, I GOT IT and I need to stop. I’m typing this post in an effort to get me to stop, because maybe if I just type all of my wishes into a blog post and share them, people can talk me out of buying everything. Please. Please help.
Alcohol (specifically whiskey)
I can’t even recruit any readers’ help with this one, because I already own it. Do I drink? Maybe once a year. Am I gonna drink whiskey? Probably not. Did I still look for and let people know I was looking for the House Tully bottle of Glendullan whiskey? Yep. Is that a fancy kind? Probably, I don’t know, and I’m sorry, I know, I’m a mess, I just really wanted this bottle. It’s a drink I won’t drink in a glass bottle with a fish on it, I know this. I don’t care. Family, Duty, Honor, Swag. A million thanks to my friend Jordan for getting it for me, and I’ll be hanging on to the bottle because, uh, that’s a thing people do, right?
anyway please someone else tell me you’ve also purchased one or all of these bottles so I can feel better about myself
Hodor door stop
Me: oh my word that is morbid as hell and is somewhat mocking of a disabled character and I don’t even have any doors that I need to prop open regularly
Also me: gimme the wood triangle now
DON’T LET ME GET ME, KIDS
THIS IS SO BAD, LIKE REALLY BAD, WHY DO I WANT IT
Urban Decay’s Game of Thrones collection of makeup
Guys it is lipsticks and eyeshadows which I legitimately never wear unless someone up to and including me is getting married and yet I still want every single high-priced piece
And then they have the audacity, the AUDACITY, to release two brushes for the eyeshadow that are swords from the series, specifically Longclaw and Needle, and I need them more than several of my lesser-used organs
“okay, but if you don’t wear eyeshadow, why would you want to buy brushes for the eyesha-“
I DIDN’T ASK YOU FOR YOUR CRITICISM, I CAME HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME BY HAVING A BAD TIME
Maybe I just wanna wave them around in my bathroom mirror while making swishing noises, okay? Is that so wrong? It’s not like I’m buying actual swords and waving them around! Even though yeah okay I’d totally do that too if I had the disposable income I would absolutely have my own personal Oathkeeper made and hung on my wall and maybe take some swordfighting lessons with it and make sure to lift some weights so I can properly Brienne and you know what you can SHUT IT I can hear you laughing YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME
Yep, this is happening! There are Oreos! A tasty mass-produced cookie! With murdershow grimdark packaging! And they are regular Oreos! Not lemon-cake-flavored! They are just stamped with some sigils! And the packaging is the same plastic! Yet! I! Need! It!
Am I gonna save the stupid plastic? Like is that how this will go? I don’t even know how to properly collect all these products and I can’t save the Oreos, I’m gonna eat those, let’s not play, so do I save the packaging? Do I frame it? Is this gonna be like that paper where Truman holds up the “Dewey Defeats Truman” headline? Why am I like this???
Just gonna be like 90 years old and dragging any children I find to come stare at my Oreo packaging
“no, children, unfortunately this was not merely a phase in my life, as you can see by Grammy Christina’s facial tattoo saying ‘valar morghulis’ and her knuckle tatts saying ‘N O T T O D A Y'”
This might be the worst one. These things are $180, I don’t wear this sneaker anyway, and they are legit nothing but some colors related to the Houses and the insole saying “Game of Thrones.” They look like sneakers. This would be like Heinz releasing House Lannister ketchup and changing literally nothing and being like “it’s red tho look”
does ya girl want ’em anyway? BOY HOWDY DO I
John Varvatos + Game of Thrones
I lied this is the worst one
I can buy a men’s t-shirt that looks like a screen-printing I could find on any semi-shady Etsy seller plus as a bonus the neckline is stretched out for the low low price of NINETY-EIGHT DOLLARS
I can also buy some clothes to make me look like I’m about to die fighting my lord’s war for up to three grand
They look like they come pre-Flea-Bottom’ed and I can smell them from the picture
Did Varvatos see a clip of Euron and was like “okay but what if he were even more of a douchebag and paid the highest gold price for all of his stuff”
Varvatos: Game of Thrones AU where Euron is the worst guy in your MFA program and is trying out a new beard oil that smells like the receding tide
Actual leather-bound books of the series
I have copies of all of them, I have an e-reader version of A Dance with Dragons, why on Earth would I need extra-fancy surplus copies of this series that isn’t finished and may have two more books(????) and the box definitely only holds the five so far oh God this is Martin’s way of saying get comfortable with disappointment I’m never releasing book 6 enjoy your sadness
Full-sized Iron Throne
This one is not new, but there is a raffle that the American Red Cross is doing for blood donors; if you come in to donate by the end of April they put you in a raffle to win a throne; yes of course I will donate
Yes throne want throne yes throne good
I hope I have made my point clearly, but if you need a summary for your current events assignment: this fan will buy literally anything with Thrones stuff on it, Sunday needs to be here now, and bless you all for reading this.