Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

So how ’bout them Thrones, huh?

March 16, 2019

it begins

Hey everyone, did you miss my constant flow of A Song of Trash and Garbage? Well, it has returned, just in time to over-analyze everything before, during, and after Season 8; Kit Harington Gets to Cut His Hair Now.

Everyone has been so incredibly starved for news and controversy and just stuff to talk about that any single little thing about this final season makes The Mountain out of a molehill and I honestly can’t even blame anyone. It’s been nearly two years, this is the last season, the books are still incomplete, and people are ready to mount one last charge into this world before checking out completely and probably lying down for a few days. Everyone lost their dang minds after seeing the trailer (she said, acting like she didn’t herself have a major freakout), and everyone is screengrabbing and analyzing and crying and it’s just a whole lot, y’all.

The one thing I genuinely wish the news outlets would stop doing is treating promotional material like it is a hint to how this show ends. This is a show that films scenes that won’t actually appear in the show in order to throw off anyone who might publish spoilers, but please, tell me all about how Bran Stark sitting uncomfortably on a bunch of swords means he might be in charge of the Seven Kingdoms at the end. Homeboy isn’t even in charge of the modulation of his own voice. And for the trailer, it’s “Arya is running away! And talking about death! What if she dies????” Bruh erryone gonna die, probably, even her, everyone dies, death is just gonna swing back in like “sup u miss me?” Plot armor is for penultimate seasons, kids. Your faves outtie.

And what a perfect place to segue into what I really wanna talk about, which is how I’m now the bookmaker on a whole set of odds associated with those 20 character posters that HBO released a week or so ago. You’ll notice that they aren’t the odds that anyone will actually be permanently sitting the Iron Throne (this is both because I think everyone might die and also because *whispers* I genuinely think it may be best if the Seven Kingdoms split up in some way), but just my personal odds analyzing how much each character is likely to be chill and not annoy me in April and also just some facts and okay no there is no cohesion in what I put for each poster but what do we say to the god of caring? Not today


Whoever instructed her to look slightly down at the camera, I love you, this is delicious

Odds that I’m gonna fight someone who says “I hated her in the first season but she’s really become a great character”: 100%

Odds that I will cry about this outfit she’s wearing at some point because it looks like Tully fish scales: 50% and the only reason is because I’ve already cried about it 


Odds that Varys will switch allegiances at some point in the final season: like a legit 25-30% especially if Dany and Jon don’t like each other as much if they can’t bone

Odds that Varys would full-on be the Lord of Whispers to the Night King if that were an option: 95% (the extra five percent is his out if the Night King is like “you can work for me but you can’t tell your ‘how I was cut’ story” and then homie will just bail because he MUST TELL IT)

Missandei and Grey Worm

Odds that this garbage show is gonna kill these two perfect sunflowers of determination and sweetness: 110%, there’s no way, even if they make it through the end of the war like a piano will fall on one of them because that’s JUST HOW LIFE IS, OKAY

Amount I wanna high-five whoever posed Grey Worm with that knife: all of the amount, love this poster

Melisandre and Theon Greyjoy

Odds these two are each getting a half-assed redemption arc because SOME people don’t know how to write characters who are ‘boring’ and prefer to allow them to do whatever the hell they want even if it is aggressively out of character and/or impossible in-world because they are shock jocks who can’t see the forest or the trees for the trees: 4,000%

Am I talking about Stannis Baratheon and Yara Greyjoy/Dorne: yep

Am I invested in these two above characters really at all: negative, Ghost Rider

Sandor Clegane 

Odds he dies: 100%, don’t @ me, guys, it’s def happening like come on

Odds we get a Cleganebowl: like a solid 75% now that those magazine covers came out with him and his broski 

How much of a dick move was it to put the one shot of him in the trailer framed by a fire: a big one, like, come on

Samwell Tarly

Do I relate to his level of discomfort in this promotional poster: big time 

Odds he’s gonna be important for the ultimate survival of men: like 85%, not kidding at all, I have a feeling he will make it to the end of the show and all of his book learning and/or book-locating skill will be put to the test as he figures out how to live during a very long winter

How much do I still love John Bradley, the objectively funniest of the cast: all of the amounts, please talk me out of trying to coordinate a trip to Tennessee later this year to meet him while he attends ConofThrones


Reasonable over/under for Arya’s body count this season if we get to count wights/White Walkers: 100, I think that’s fair, unless she develops like a medieval grenade

Odds that the show is going to just forget about her list of people she is gonna kill: 50%

Why 50%: because there are a few people still on it (Melly, Beric) who could be conveniently bye if she does knock them off, but if you think they are gonna bring back Ilyn Payne, whom we haven’t seen since Blackwater in season 2, like 

Percent I understand people who watched the beginning of the trailer and saw Arya running away and were like NO DON’T HURT MY PRECIOUS SMOL BEAN despite her being a murderpuppy who Isn’t Nice and would absolutely stab you in the stomach: 10%, she is adorable, I’ll give them that


Percentage I am okay: 0%

Odds I’m gonna cry over her character at least once: 100%

Damage I’m gonna do if we don’t get a good scene with her and Jaime: all of it

People who got punched right in the heart over that scene of her and Podrick from the trailer lined up in front of soldiers: if it’s not every single one of you where is your soul


Odds he is the valonqar: 100%

Actual odds he is the valonqar if you talk to people who aren’t me: like 75%-ish, yes, I see the other arguments I just choose to ignore them

This poster tho: right? damn

Am I choosing to Eternal Sunshine a certain scene from season 4 and all of his actions in season 5 in order to mentally save his redemption arc somehow: you bet your butt I am 

Brienne: *weeping* BRIENNE


Odds on her living: none percent, like, come on

How angry I am that she’s gonna make me run my stupid bookreader mouth about the Golden Company: a lot, tbh

How many awards I wanna give to Lena Heady for that one scene from the trailer where she is teary-eyed and drinking wine: all of them, every award, ugh, she’s been great in this role and her outfit in this poster is V GOOD


Odds homie is also a secret Targ despite our having lost a dragon to the dumbest plot ever and now there can’t be three dragonriders and did the show even really explore how he could be a Targ because I don’t remember and why was he all by himself in the trailer what doofus thing does the plot have you doing now bruh don’t do it: what was the question

Miles away you’ll be able to hear me shouting if they shoehorn a love interest for him in this season especially if it is Dany: how far away is the sun

Odds he lives: 50%? I genuinely have no clue, y’all, let’s just watch together


My personal bad-feeling odds he’s gonna die: like at least 65% or so, guys, I have a bad feeling

Odds he will correct someone’s grammar this season in the style of Stannis the Mannis: 100% if the showrunners know what’s good for them 

Jorah the Fedora

Why are you not dead: 100%

Chance this show is gonna try to make me care about this galumphus before he nobly sacrifices himself for his khaleesi: 95%

Amount I will care: 2%, because I am not made of stone UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WHO *SHOULD* BE, BASED ON EVERYTHING IN THE PLOT


Bran Muffin

Articles I saw saying “is this a hint about Bran possibly becoming king of Westeros???”: one, no, really, I did

Chances this bozo of a show decides to drag out the R+L+marriage = legit J for a while because why else have Bran there: 65%

Odds we will have some more cool history about Targy Targ bastards because we have the Golden Company founded by one of ’em and then the previous three-eyed raven was another: 30% but that would be kinda cool just cast a fan of the show as Bittersteel for a hot second

ooooooh Bloooooodraven: I believe you can get me through the Long Niiiiiiight

Night King

Odds we will get a Pete Seeger clip from “Night Moves” to narrate something this bad boy does: 0%

Amount I want it anyway: 6000%

I don’t have an odds thing here, I just wanna give props to the designers and makeup artists and everyone else involved with these bad boys because they look incredible and they are creepy and powerful and I end up thinking of the bad things in “I Am Legend” but like the book where they are the good guys just trying to live where they want to and is that not kinda the issue here and how much would we care about their taking over if it started in Dorne vs in the North where our faves lived or came from and okay I’ma wrap this up because I am rambling


Dragonrider????: dragonriderrrrr

Odds that she pregnant: if I got to pick , like, 15%, because whatever, but because the show made a huge deal out of it when she got with Jon there’s probably a 90% chance there is a tiny wolfdragon, who could then be the third head of the dragon, the third dragonrider, ugh I don’t know

Amount I love this poster: the most of all of them, 100%

*all of you out there like ‘really?'”: yep, really, I think it is spot on with her character, her clothes, hair, and expression are perfection, the outfit is a mix of the North and her Essos clothing, and I love love love from the knees down: it’s both a power position of ownership and also a weak position because a man would be manspreading.

*you guys* is, is she done, or: yes, sorry, done


Button your goddamn shirt: 110%

Wash your hair: 120%

Who holds the arm rests to a throne like that: only the worst person ever

I can smell this poster through the screen: it smells like low tide at a marina plus a frat house basement plus feet 

Minutes I will tolerate this gaping black hole of time and charisma being in this last season: 15

“So like, 15 minutes of the first episode, or-“: yes, that, exactly, I hate him so much


Odds he lives through the third episode with the Battle of Winterfell: 95%, I think he’s gotta be in all the eps

Odds he’s riding a dragon: oh heck yes he absolutely is

Do we get a Jon and Arya reunion scene: IF THESE JERKS KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM WE DO

Odds I’m gonna be real sad if something bad happens to him: genuinely really flipping sad; this character has been very enjoyable to watch, I’ve loved seeing Kit grow into it, and even though he’s essentially living on borrowed time at the moment there is still a part of me that wants him to beat the odds and rule

Jon’s actual reaction if he were to be given the actual throne: oh ffs stop giving me stuff I don’t want any of it I just wanna lie down for a while and cuddle my pet wolf


Anyway friends, if we get more material leading up to it I’ll be sure to check in, but otherwise please stay tuned for my all-caps reaction posts which I will be doing for each episode. I plan to stick with “one ep one post” but we will see for those last gigantic ones; I may need to break it up. Keep calm and hate Euron, and I’m excited, friends, I’ve missed this!

You Might Also Like

No Comments

Leave a Reply