This entire episode was one long terribly written chapter fanfiction mated with a foghorn noise with a dash of misogyny and a whole heap of racism
This stupid stupid stupid show
I was mad from the literal opening credits because they labeled Sunspear “Dorne” which it’s not, Dorne is the country. This is yes, kind of minor, but considering that Dorne is home to some of the few people of color we’ve seen on this show, it felt preeeeetty gross watching it. It’s like having a close up map of Nairobi and labeling it “Africa.” Get it the fuck together, show.
More racism at 11 BUT FIRST
Carice van Houten must have signed an agreement in Ghiscari which stated “we promise to keep giving you time on the show, but only in incredibly ridiculous and unnecessary scenes with your boobs out” because gurl WHY. The group I was watching with all legit said “OH COME ON” when that happened because why. why. why is this important or something that would work. Jon is still mourning Ygritte hugely, and Melisandre, you can feel a heartbeart without undressing. Learn to take a goddamn pulse, girl. All in the wrists, HEYYYOOO. And I didn’t even LIKE Ygritte’s catchphrase but can u not forever plz
Literally the only thing I can say I liked in this whole episode was the scene with Stannis and Shireen. Shireen is still wonderful, and the scene with Stannis made up for his garbage one with Melisandre tenfold. This is the stuff I want to see. I also felt like it was consistent with his character to not say something like “of course I love you, you’re my daughter” but instead to say something like “I was not going to let you die because you are my heir” which is a very Stannis-y thing to say. Idk guys, I’m trying to find light in the darkness and right now it’s basically only Shireen. Additionally, I have started to see everything in this show in terms of Arrested Westeros, which is not a bad thing, so of course I immediately thought “Why are you squeezing me with your body” and so did my beloved Scuzzo, who texted me this quote at the same time.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
This is garbage. This could have been the coolest thing this season because they cut the Greyjoys but no, we have decided to turn this into a Puritan witchhunt with shitty head tattoos and dramatic Westerosi opera music because fuck subtlety??? No no it’s cool everyone knows Loras is gay??? Also King Tommen “Michael Cera” Baratheon, the First of His George Michael Bluth-y Name, King of the Andals and the Banana Stand is trying to talk and it’s adorable but killing me. I am however slightly enjoying this “I just learned about sex and it is now my sole motivation” because as far as teenage boy accuracy goes, yeah, spot on.
This plot line is not totally off in the show, but whereas the plotline in the book is a subtle embroidery of good politicking, bad politicking, betrayal, surprises, and religion, the show version is Mahler 6’s hammer with a Wagner doing the soundtrack. UGGGGGHHHH
Don’t you touch Sansa
Clumsy poorly-lit plot exposition oh heyyyyy. Not even gonna touch the “Stannis will save you don’t you worry your pretty little head about The Worst Person in the World you’re about to marry okay byyyyyye” thing that he does because ughhhhh.
Guys, if you’re watching the show, and haven’t read the books, genuine question: do you know or care who Lyanna Stark was? I’d discuss this more but I don’t want to get spoiler-y (even if it is just theories at this point). I personally am fascinated by this back story, but it is, frankly, not hugely important yet to the plot. It could be, for a whole bunch of reasons, but not yet. But anyway, what’s the general opinion for non-book people? I’m annoyed at the way they handled this because OF COURSE I AM I’M ALWAYS MAD because guys, like, on the list of ways I’d like information delivered to me, “in a crypt by Littlefinger who then touches Sansa” is at the bottom, after “by a bullhorn directly in my ear” and “by Daario” FUCK DAARIO MAN
The second worst thing on this show after Daario
Jaime and Bronn screw this entire goddamn plotline forever and this stupid show too. I hate everything. You KNOW a twist is bad when Bronn, fucking BRONN, has to be like “hey, uh, you can’t really fight and you’re like mega-recognizable what is the point of this diversion from canon.” The writers decided Jaime just repeatedly saying “it had to be me” was satisfactory. You can’t just throw words at an enormous, gaping plothole and throw in some garbage about hunting your brother and the plot hole is now *~*magically*~* filled. And calm the fuck down, When Harry Met Sally, it did not have to be you. It could have been literally anybody else and this would have made more sense. Garbage. Literal garbage. That snake getting cooked was the best part of this entire sequence, and immediately after that was Bronn’s decent “why the fucking fuck are you here.” I didn’t hate Bronn for like one hot second, and then he got the line “all the Dornish like to do is fuck and fight, fight and fuck.” THIS MAKES THEM DIFFERENT FROM YOU HOOOOOW, SIR. YOU ARE THE SAME. TEN YEARS AGO, YOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH JAIME’S GOLD HAND AND HONESTLY PROBABLY HAVE BY NOW ANYWAY JUST FOR KICKS. STOP BEING RACIST AND WASH YOUR HAIR.
Racism but this time with women!
Additionally, we get our first look at the Sand Snakes, who inexplicably all look the same despite their mothers being completely different human beings plus Nym goes up to Ellaria who is, at best, a decade older than her like “MUM”
CAN WE NOT. Guys, the oldest Sand Snakes are not related to Ellaria, they are not her daughters. They are also not effectively gross racist clones of each other because every brown person gets styled the same???? After seeing the curved swords they gave to the Dornish men who got killed by Jaime and Bronn because ooohhhh dark people can’t have straight swords, I am not even a little bit excited to see the portrayal of the Sand Snakes. If you can’t make actually different characters into actually different characters I am not even a little bit interested. Plus, you cut Arianne, and it’s looking more and more like you did so because you don’t think we’re smart enough to keep all these women straight. Ladies be shoppin’ or something???? Also Obara’s story about choosing the spear is pretty freaking cool but ONLY IF WE’RE INTRODUCED TO HER AS A PERSON FIRST. The script for this scene read like a bad romance novel where the dude is *!*~* super dreeeeammy*!*~* but inexplicably decides to tell you his entire life back story when you meet. The other characters in the scene know this about her already, and the viewers don’t care. We’ve gone from Michelle Fairley’s absolutely heartbreaking Season 3 Episode 9 script to this garbage. I’ve read better fanfiction, and I’m UN-NOYED.
If you were wondering if I could get angrier JUST YOU WAIT
The last scene of this show made the least sense and I know it’s just a show, I know, but HBO is touching things I love and ruining them and making money off of a lack of character consistency and killing off characters with important plot roles because they are not mainstream sexy?? or something?? and because we like to see things die for no reason???
Barristan Selmy, while a grandpa, is in fact undefeated in battle.
The Unsullied are raised from birth to no longer feel pain and be utterly superior to everyone else at battle.
The Sons of the Harpy are either 1. rich kids dressed in the Meereenese equivalent of Sperrys and polo shirts or 2. sellswords working for the rich kids and are assassins. Like, secret. In secret. Not daylight. In darkness.
If this show, if this fucking show, killed off Barristan (and it’s looking like they really might have) to make narrative room for Daario I WILL BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND. EVERYTHING. DO YOU HEAR ME, HBO??? DO YOU HEAR ME. EVERYTHING. DOWN TO THE REN FAIRE WHERE YOU WROTE DAARIO’S CHARACTER AND FOUND HIS STYLIST.