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Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones, Season 8, Episode 1: Winterfell

April 16, 2019

yesssssss

Ohhhhh my goodness, guys, I’m so happy to be back typing about my favorite monochrome murdershow. It feels like it was only yesterday that I was incredibly angry about Season 7, and that’s because it was yesterday; I have been angry about Season 7 every day since it aired. But now we have a whole new season for me to emote over, and I know you were all waiting for my hot takes, so here I go again on my own.

If you are new to this blog: my previous spoiler policy is not super useful, as it related to the books and we are well past them, but obvious spoilers for the episode I’m reviewing. I also used to breakdown my review by the geographical location of the characters, but that looks like it is gonna be a tough thing to do with nearly everybody in one in a maximum of two spots, so I am going to break this episode down by scenes/relationships. I also swear a lot but, like, the show is the most adult thing ever.

And as a gentle beginning immersion into my feelings: I quite liked this episode. It was a methodical, detailed set piece for the dangerous free kick that is episode 2 and the rest of the season. That metaphor made no sense but I am very excited for the women’s World Cup so my brain is Thrones and soccer right now. If the rest of the season looks like this plus a lot of sobbing, I’ll be very pleased.

Additionally, I’ll be using at least one screengrab from every Chrys Reviews post, because they are perfect, and so that link goes to her Patreon. I’m a supporter and if you have some extra dollars please give them to her, she’s great.

Sansa/Tyrion

This scene was your first sip of black dark roast coffee in the morning. It’s gonna hurt a little and then it’s gonna be a nice little jolt of energy that you’re hoping you can maintain. I liked it very much a lot thank you. Sansa’s initial look to Tyrion carried a nice mix of “I don’t hate you but if you test me I will launch you off this deck; Petyr Baelish tried to be shady to me here too; this is my Deck of Sacrifices for Sketchy Dudes Who Don’t Respect Me” and I am very here for it. Tyrion had a reasonable amount of respect for Sansa all the way back in season 2, and on her list of people she hates, he’s probably pretty far down at this point. They aren’t friends, but they aren’t enemies, quite. I can’t get a read on whether Tyrion’s being Hand of the Queen could make her more accepting or less accepting of Dany (I’m leaning more, but I don’t have a great reason why, just a feeling), but I am weirdly excited to see how these two people handle the coming mess. Neither are warriors, both are pretty damaged, they both want to be right, and neither of them want to die via White Walker, so they will be a fascinating set of parallel train tracks for this season.

Plus if Sansa is gonna read people for filth about trusting Cersei and drop jokes like “it had its moments” about Joffrey’s wedding, I will attempt to bottle her attitude as a bath bomb and use it and sell it.

“Many underestimated you. Most of them are dead now.” MOOD

Sansa/Jon and The Problem

Yes my tall beautiful faerie goddess tell your doofus big brother that he’s thinking with his dick because he super is. Again, really liked this scene. She was supportive of him and his decisions in public, in the throne room, but she is very gonna check in with her pocket-sized smouldercousin if she thinks he’s being the lovesick idiot he can frequently be. And, to be fair, they are both kinda right! Sansa is right, Daenerys is a stranger in the North, and Jon left Winterfell a king and came back… well, not a king, and with a scary lady who makes jokes about her firedinos eating your children. Jon should be a little wary of her motives and how this will end. And Jon is also right: they need her firedinos, they need her Dothraki army, they need her Unsullied, they need to not die before they can govern.

And we saw this argument come to a weird head in the throne room, too, when Lyanna Mormont goes all “you bent the what to the who now” and the room gets angry and I was low-key waiting for some Umber lord to yell “YOU COASTAL ELITES” from the back of the room. They don’t like change. They don’t like Targaryens (okay this one is fair). They extra don’t like dragons. And they are all looking at Dany as another Aerys Targaryen II in waiting if Aerys II had dragons. They are scared, and I don’t totally blame them. And then Sansa (bless u to the stars this fandom doesn’t deserve you) clears her throat and is like

JON WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BRINGING FRIENDS HOME FOR SUPPER

Jon, shyly: to always check with you first before I invite them

Sansa: AND WHAT DIDN’T YOU DO

Jon, even more quietly: check with you

Chrys Reviews, bless u

She’s right! “How will we feed everyone” is a vital logistics problem, especially since everywhere on the continent that can actually grow stuff kinda good is in Lannister hands. And for Dany to reply with “whatever they want” to “what do dragons eat” is 1. *groan* such a bad line and 2. NOT A WORKABLE SOLUTION, HONEY.

Dany: there ain’t no budget when I’m on the set

Sansa: thank u, next

This could be great, guys. I’m not shooting this potential rivalry out of the sky immediately. It could be a nuanced, layered, serious look at what ruling during war looks like during ruling during peace. My friend Baird described it as a “conquest v. ruling plotline” and if they do it right, that would be so boss.

However, this is a show that wasted Sansa and Arya in a falsified cat and mouse game for a third of Season 7 for no good goddamn reason so unlike Brendon Urie I do not gotta have high high hopes for a living and I will leave my hopes in the Winterfell crypts until further notice.

Arya/every one of her emotions as a person

That intro tho, of people walking in and Arya just being like “I’m not dying but this is in fact my life flashing before my eyes, so, uh”

In fairness I also got pretty dang excited watching A Girl Has Seen Some Shit be smiley over Jon and Gendry and even Sandor.

Her moment with Sandor was honestly perfect??? I know it felt a little fan-service-y but I think Sandor has grudging respect for anyone who is alive at any time (Sandor hates himself only marginally less than he hates everyone else and that keeps him alive) so being like “hi tiny nightmare I lived bitch” and then moving right along is absolutely in-character for him.

And Gendry calling Arya “milady,” oh my heart, oh every single chamber of my heart and several additional organs, I am fandom garbage and I wish to be fed this chicken McNugget dialogue for eternity. Yes, it’s a stretch that Gendry matters to this plot, or that he was brought back from Olympic rowing at all, but now that he’s here: yep, this works. Make him make these weapons. Make him make Arya a very specific weapon to hurt stuff with. Let him keep calling her “milady” and let her reply “you don’t know any other rich girls” and LET THEM KISS, PLEASE, I LOVE THIS STUPID SHIP AND I WANT TO BE HURT BY IT PLEASE, PLEASE. I went looking for fanfiction of them on Monday. Please give me this.

And Arya and Jon? I’m not crying, you’re crying, you’re all crying, stick ’em with the pointy end right in the first season feelings. This was good. The fact that they put them in front of the tree is good. The discussion over Needle is good.

I’m genuinely curious about how people saw this scene: I saw two people who have killed so many times knowing that this is also true of the person they are talking to. Jon knows Arya used Needle a lot. Arya knows Jon used his “fancy” Valyrian steel sword a lot. They are both holding off on saying this, because when they parted, they were both children, who wanted to do heroic things, and they’ve had to watch themselves become executioners and they’ve liked it to varying degrees. Talking about it will be uncomfortable, and they don’t have time or energy for a recap. But hey this is how I saw the scene, and Twitter seemed to think both of them were very much like “I have only murdered AT MOST two people” but lemme know where you stand.

And maybe I’m wrong, and I read way too far into this dialogue, but this relationship, y’all. And hearing Arya call Sansa “the smartest person I’ve ever met” is phenomenal and my drug of choice. Good. Good job everyone. I’m bringing cookies tomorrow and you can all have five if you want.

Dany/Jon/dragons

First of two parts for this episode because I am extra as hell on this topic

If someone knows this answer can you tell me? Did the show ever explicitly say that Targs are the only ones who can ride dragons? I have this idea in my head that it did but I don’t know when I learned it so it might have been in the books? Or is it not a thing for these characters? Basically, should everyone be losing their shit over Jon riding Rhaegal because it implies something about his heritage, or nah? I should know the answer to this, and I don’t, and I’m ashamed.

This scene was dumb and bad, I’m sorry. Andrew asked “what are they even doing here” and because I am a brat I replied with “blowing through their CGI budget.” I was hoping they’d get back to Winterfell and we’d finally see Ghost (remember Jon the animal that you’ve spent years bonding with) and he’d walk up to Jon and smell dragon on him and then like pee on his boots. Or he just falls off the dragon. But in this fuckin’ show Benjen Stark would catch him or some shit ANYWAY

For me, one of the worst Danys is “Dany being smug about her dragons.” Sassing Jon like it’s not totally reasonable for him to be like “how tf do I ride your firedino” is just lazy writing masquerading as Strong Female Character and I’m not here for it. For further reference please see Season 4 and “but my dragons made no such promises, and you threatened their mother.” *sighs enormously* okay, you know what, motherfucker, if you are the government and you are making a deal with some people they can reasonably assume that your scary Charizards are state actors and are bound by this deal as well. You suck at diplomacy and Sansa will 100% kill one of your Pokemon of Death to feed the North.

Also WHERE IS GHOST. WHERE. IS. GHOST. We can have a minutes-long dragon flyover that looks like a combination of Harry riding Buckbeak in Prisoner of Azkaban plus that thing they do with the planes before NASCAR races but we can’t put ten dollars of CGI into our only remaining housebroken direwolf?

Bronn

What did this casting listing even look like? “hey yo ladiez can you come be naked for like 8 seconds because we wanna do a quick throwback to when the show was criticized for putting sex scenes and nudity in the background of stuff for no reason”

“super vintage”

“no of course you won’t get names are you kidding”

“also we will imply one of you has syphilis”

Minor good thing: Qyburn giving Bronn this weapon and this assignment. He’ll do it, he wants his castle, he is hired edged muscle and this is what he does, and regardless of whether Qyburn is lying, Bronn wants a castle real bad and there is a non-zero chance he’d succeed at this mission.

Major bad thing: there are only six episodes of this season, there are now five episodes left of the entire show, and if we spend an additional nanosecond on the state of Bronn’s penis I will riot

Cersei

Can we get her some elephants, please? There’s no Hannibal, there’s no Alps, where are the elephants, she just wants some elephants. No, I don’t know why I liked this plot point so much either. Also heyyyy Harry Strickland, you’re looking very generic and strong. Cersei you should marry him he is blond and doesn’t smell like mildew and clove cigarettes and small dick energy

on that note

Euron/Yara/Theon

Good, we did this rescue fast, we do not have to drag it out, I liked it, Yara def would hit Theon, yes good. Yara noting that the Iron Islands are an escape is spot-on (and in this world there’s apparently a ton of trees to cut down yes I’m still bitter about that no I will not drop this grudge what is dead may never die) and Theon calling her his queen was a little misty-eyed moment for me. And of course Theon wants to go fight at Winterfell. My guy is absolutely gonna die, he’s gonna die trying to protect the remaining Starks, it is gonna hurt because I have hella complicated feelings about his character. I don’t know this for a fact, no, but this is my honest guess, and I think I’m right.

and to prove that I am right, please enjoy several Chrys Reviews caps that I saw after I wrote this

Remember how I said I actually quite liked this episode? There was, *ahem* a notable exception

Euron. Euron happened. Euron dressing like the pickup artist Mystery was strapped to the hull of a ship for a year while it sailed through the Sea of Misogyny and Please Die. Euron wearing what I can only describe as a duster made out of a fishing net that absolutely smells like the contents of a swim-up bar after three days of spring break drink specials when he goes to see the queen he wants to bang. Euron being so terrible at keeping a captive that rescuing Yara isn’t even a story arc, it’s resolved already. (which, good, but also he sucks at everything.) Sex with Euron Greyjoy: when you want the sensation of getting fucked by a flounder that left a clump of steel wool in its kitchen sink drain for six months and then glued it to its face.

I don’t know if Cersei and Euron together is supposed to be some kind of weird thing with her pregnancy and having a supposed non-brother father for her kid, but I really have no idea what the point is. We are already done with one episode of the six remaining episodes of the whole damn show, and I swear to R’hllor if we spend another microsecond on Euron fucking Greyjoy and his barnacle dick I will kill everyone involved and then myself. Get him off my screen.

People I gotta see more next ep

Brienne. And Podrick. And Jaime, who I was glad to see at Winterfell already (it’s okay, they are hopefully giving these characters space, but they had better.) Gilly (she should be in the dang show.) Missandei. Grey Worm.

Brienne, again. Ugh, this show is going to hurt me.

Tormund and the Brotherhood and the Night’s Watch

I appreciate the follow-up on these guys, I like how they handled it, and “I’ve always had blue eyes” is a gem of a line, well done. Also I got to see Dolorous Edd which is a delight and boy howdy I’d like to see him live through this show just to score one for us depressed people.

However, if we could never, ever, ever forever have another scene like the Glover boy nailed to the wall and then WAKING UP SCREAMING AS A WIGHT both I and my delicate heart rate would appreciate it. A million props to the show for doing this scene, as it was genuinely the scariest thing I’ve seen on the whole dang series, but also never do it again thank you I need some tea and a soft large blanket.

Does it sound like I’m leaving something major out from this episode? Best for last, y’all

Samwell Tarly

This is the official start of John Bradley’s Emmy campaign right here. I’ve been an enormous fan of him as a person starting a bunch of years back when I started listening to the cast being interviewed, because he is a generous, hilarious delight who is so thrilled to be playing Sam and to be a part of this cast and this show and he has explained plot points to so many interviewers and talked about Kit’s bachelor party going go-karting and how he was terrible at it and I just *makes fist* like him so flippin’ much. He’s gonna be at Con of Thrones this year and I have found myself Google Maps-ing the drive to Nashville several times this week already.

And that is just him being John Bradley; I think he’s done amazing acting work with this character and it’s never been more clear than in this episode. He’s been very good at the role since day 1, and has had several exceptional moments (“open the fucking gate” at Castle Black; his time at Horn Hill) but this was just exquisitely heartbreaking.

I’m glad they wrapped this up early and didn’t drag it out, and I’m glad they addressed the fact that Dany is not evil, but she is not all good, either. (as a sidenote, did Jorah the Fedora have laryngitis that day or something he literally said nothing despite staring at the dude who saved his life idk idk) I wish the show let Dany do more work in that gray area, since many fans (and the writers, tbh) seem content to just be like YEAH BADASS DRAGON LADY or UNREDEEMABLE WAR CRIMINAL and I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. John even gave an interview where he offered up what he thought Sam’s emotions were during this scene, but did not say they were his, and I like that – this show is all gray areas EXCEPT FOR SAMWELL HIMSELF just kidding even him.

This was just perfect: perfectly acted, perfectly in character, and I am so pleased that they gave him the minutes and emotion to do it. Yes, Randyll Tarly sent his son to take the black under a threat of death; he was horrific to Sam and that was almost certainly never going to change. But Sam is acutely aware (and Bradley has confirmed that these were the direction notes he was given right before shooting) that it can never get better now; he can never fix it. And to try to put that positive spin on it by saying he’ll be allowed home, now, only to find out his brother is also dead? It’s not a Samwell thing to rejoice in someone’s death, even someone who threatened to kill him, and he is so relentlessly optimistic that I think he genuinely hoped that his family might be different someday. And how he just replies with “thank you for telling me”? It’s so deeply Sam: he does not make any sort of emotional fuss, ever, and he’s also almost too good at letting things go. He has things that need to get done, and he knows that mourning the family he wished he had is going to have to happen on his own time. He’ll be angry with and wary of Dany, but he trusts Jon, he knows the Night King is coming, and he can help. He’s so, so wrecked by this, and it wrecked me to watch him cry over a man who never saw his worth.

WHERE IS HIS EMMY

And while it is definitely a cop-out for Bran to be like “you are more his bestie you tell Jon” to Sam, I’m glad they continued this plot thread the way they did. I wish they were able to CORRECTLY LIGHT THE CRYPT FOR ONCE IN THIS GOSHDARN SHOW but whatever. And this show is infamous for having characters who respond with war and other violence when their family is harmed – not Samwell Tarly. Samwell Tarly hears Dany say that she roasted his family while they were prisoners and thanks her for telling him. Sam has to go do stuff. Sam left the Citadel because he had information that Jon needed to know. In the actual conversation, Sam would and does lead with the fact that Jon is legitimate, not that he’s in love with his aunt. And hearing Sam tell Jon that Ned Stark still did right by him was a nice little ending gut-punch: he’s right, Ned kept Jon safe the best way he knew how, and he cared for him, and Sam just found out about the death of his own father, a man who chained him to a wall for three days. Ned messed up, but Randyll Tarly was a nightmare to his son, and Sam just has to sit there and tell Jon that 1. his dad isn’t his dad 2. he’s the king, technically 3. his girlfriend burned his best friend’s family to death 4. his girlfriend is his aunt. We don’t deserve Sam.

Ya girl is biased to the stars but ya girl also hopes you agree with her.

Ya girl’s gonna end on a high note, especially in that the character might actually be high

Bran

If this thing he’s doing with just like sitting in his chair and staring at people is gonna continue I’m gonna be laughing way more than I thought I’d be laughing during this season. Bran Muffin out here like Adobe Reader got an update that accidentally deleted his emotions. Every shot of him just sitting there like a weirdo was a riot, but my personal favorite was Jon coming up and saying he’d become a man.

Jon: look at you, you’ve grown into a man

Bran: almost

Jon: … I do not have the time or emotional bandwidth to deal with you right now

ANYWAY friends as I said I very enjoyed this episode. People are going to die soon, so I’m trying to gear up for that, but I know I’m gonna get hurt real bad. We are off to a quality start, and I hope you’ll stick with me for the last ride into the sunset.

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

The Invisible Hand of the King

April 10, 2019

(or, the Game of Thrones stuff our delicious capitalist system is trying to sell me in advance of Season 8 and why it is working on every possible count)

Guys, I want every bit of this. All of it. Whatever you are. Give me it. I am such Thrones trash that if you put the Iron Throne on a package of a toothbrush I will aggressively be like I SEE IT, I LIKE IT, I WANT IT, I GOT IT and I need to stop. I’m typing this post in an effort to get me to stop, because maybe if I just type all of my wishes into a blog post and share them, people can talk me out of buying everything. Please. Please help.

Alcohol (specifically whiskey)

gimme dat fish

I can’t even recruit any readers’ help with this one, because I already own it. Do I drink? Maybe once a year. Am I gonna drink whiskey? Probably not. Did I still look for and let people know I was looking for the House Tully bottle of Glendullan whiskey? Yep. Is that a fancy kind? Probably, I don’t know, and I’m sorry, I know, I’m a mess, I just really wanted this bottle. It’s a drink I won’t drink in a glass bottle with a fish on it, I know this. I don’t care. Family, Duty, Honor, Swag. A million thanks to my friend Jordan for getting it for me, and I’ll be hanging on to the bottle because, uh, that’s a thing people do, right?

right?

anyway please someone else tell me you’ve also purchased one or all of these bottles so I can feel better about myself

Hodor door stop

Me: oh my word that is morbid as hell and is somewhat mocking of a disabled character and I don’t even have any doors that I need to prop open regularly

Also me: gimme the wood triangle now

DON’T LET ME GET ME, KIDS

THIS IS SO BAD, LIKE REALLY BAD, WHY DO I WANT IT

Urban Decay’s Game of Thrones collection of makeup

Guys it is lipsticks and eyeshadows which I legitimately never wear unless someone up to and including me is getting married and yet I still want every single high-priced piece

And then they have the audacity, the AUDACITY, to release two brushes for the eyeshadow that are swords from the series, specifically Longclaw and Needle, and I need them more than several of my lesser-used organs

“okay, but if you don’t wear eyeshadow, why would you want to buy brushes for the eyesha-“

I DIDN’T ASK YOU FOR YOUR CRITICISM, I CAME HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME BY HAVING A BAD TIME

Maybe I just wanna wave them around in my bathroom mirror while making swishing noises, okay? Is that so wrong? It’s not like I’m buying actual swords and waving them around! Even though yeah okay I’d totally do that too if I had the disposable income I would absolutely have my own personal Oathkeeper made and hung on my wall and maybe take some swordfighting lessons with it and make sure to lift some weights so I can properly Brienne and you know what you can SHUT IT I can hear you laughing YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME

Oreos

so many squigglies??

Yep, this is happening! There are Oreos! A tasty mass-produced cookie! With murdershow grimdark packaging! And they are regular Oreos! Not lemon-cake-flavored! They are just stamped with some sigils! And the packaging is the same plastic! Yet! I! Need! It!

Am I gonna save the stupid plastic? Like is that how this will go? I don’t even know how to properly collect all these products and I can’t save the Oreos, I’m gonna eat those, let’s not play, so do I save the packaging? Do I frame it? Is this gonna be like that paper where Truman holds up the “Dewey Defeats Truman” headline? Why am I like this???

Just gonna be like 90 years old and dragging any children I find to come stare at my Oreo packaging

“no, children, unfortunately this was not merely a phase in my life, as you can see by Grammy Christina’s facial tattoo saying ‘valar morghulis’ and her knuckle tatts saying ‘N O T T O D A Y'”

Adidas Ultra-Boosts

This might be the worst one. These things are $180, I don’t wear this sneaker anyway, and they are legit nothing but some colors related to the Houses and the insole saying “Game of Thrones.” They look like sneakers. This would be like Heinz releasing House Lannister ketchup and changing literally nothing and being like “it’s red tho look”

does ya girl want ’em anyway? BOY HOWDY DO I

John Varvatos + Game of Thrones

I lied this is the worst one

I can buy a men’s t-shirt that looks like a screen-printing I could find on any semi-shady Etsy seller plus as a bonus the neckline is stretched out for the low low price of NINETY-EIGHT DOLLARS

this is so bad it’s so bad

I can also buy some clothes to make me look like I’m about to die fighting my lord’s war for up to three grand

middle jacket is a cool $2,698

They look like they come pre-Flea-Bottom’ed and I can smell them from the picture

Did Varvatos see a clip of Euron and was like “okay but what if he were even more of a douchebag and paid the highest gold price for all of his stuff”

Varvatos: Game of Thrones AU where Euron is the worst guy in your MFA program and is trying out a new beard oil that smells like the receding tide

Actual leather-bound books of the series

also George why, with the R’s, it was barely okay for Tolkien

I have copies of all of them, I have an e-reader version of A Dance with Dragons, why on Earth would I need extra-fancy surplus copies of this series that isn’t finished and may have two more books(????) and the box definitely only holds the five so far oh God this is Martin’s way of saying get comfortable with disappointment I’m never releasing book 6 enjoy your sadness

Full-sized Iron Throne

This one is not new, but there is a raffle that the American Red Cross is doing for blood donors; if you come in to donate by the end of April they put you in a raffle to win a throne; yes of course I will donate

Yes throne want throne yes throne good

I hope I have made my point clearly, but if you need a summary for your current events assignment: this fan will buy literally anything with Thrones stuff on it, Sunday needs to be here now, and bless you all for reading this.

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

So how ’bout them Thrones, huh?

March 16, 2019

it begins

Hey everyone, did you miss my constant flow of A Song of Trash and Garbage? Well, it has returned, just in time to over-analyze everything before, during, and after Season 8; Kit Harington Gets to Cut His Hair Now.

Everyone has been so incredibly starved for news and controversy and just stuff to talk about that any single little thing about this final season makes The Mountain out of a molehill and I honestly can’t even blame anyone. It’s been nearly two years, this is the last season, the books are still incomplete, and people are ready to mount one last charge into this world before checking out completely and probably lying down for a few days. Everyone lost their dang minds after seeing the trailer (she said, acting like she didn’t herself have a major freakout), and everyone is screengrabbing and analyzing and crying and it’s just a whole lot, y’all.

The one thing I genuinely wish the news outlets would stop doing is treating promotional material like it is a hint to how this show ends. This is a show that films scenes that won’t actually appear in the show in order to throw off anyone who might publish spoilers, but please, tell me all about how Bran Stark sitting uncomfortably on a bunch of swords means he might be in charge of the Seven Kingdoms at the end. Homeboy isn’t even in charge of the modulation of his own voice. And for the trailer, it’s “Arya is running away! And talking about death! What if she dies????” Bruh erryone gonna die, probably, even her, everyone dies, death is just gonna swing back in like “sup u miss me?” Plot armor is for penultimate seasons, kids. Your faves outtie.

And what a perfect place to segue into what I really wanna talk about, which is how I’m now the bookmaker on a whole set of odds associated with those 20 character posters that HBO released a week or so ago. You’ll notice that they aren’t the odds that anyone will actually be permanently sitting the Iron Throne (this is both because I think everyone might die and also because *whispers* I genuinely think it may be best if the Seven Kingdoms split up in some way), but just my personal odds analyzing how much each character is likely to be chill and not annoy me in April and also just some facts and okay no there is no cohesion in what I put for each poster but what do we say to the god of caring? Not today

Sansa

Whoever instructed her to look slightly down at the camera, I love you, this is delicious

Odds that I’m gonna fight someone who says “I hated her in the first season but she’s really become a great character”: 100%

Odds that I will cry about this outfit she’s wearing at some point because it looks like Tully fish scales: 50% and the only reason is because I’ve already cried about it 

Varys

Odds that Varys will switch allegiances at some point in the final season: like a legit 25-30% especially if Dany and Jon don’t like each other as much if they can’t bone

Odds that Varys would full-on be the Lord of Whispers to the Night King if that were an option: 95% (the extra five percent is his out if the Night King is like “you can work for me but you can’t tell your ‘how I was cut’ story” and then homie will just bail because he MUST TELL IT)

Missandei and Grey Worm

Odds that this garbage show is gonna kill these two perfect sunflowers of determination and sweetness: 110%, there’s no way, even if they make it through the end of the war like a piano will fall on one of them because that’s JUST HOW LIFE IS, OKAY

Amount I wanna high-five whoever posed Grey Worm with that knife: all of the amount, love this poster

Melisandre and Theon Greyjoy

Odds these two are each getting a half-assed redemption arc because SOME people don’t know how to write characters who are ‘boring’ and prefer to allow them to do whatever the hell they want even if it is aggressively out of character and/or impossible in-world because they are shock jocks who can’t see the forest or the trees for the trees: 4,000%

Am I talking about Stannis Baratheon and Yara Greyjoy/Dorne: yep

Am I invested in these two above characters really at all: negative, Ghost Rider

Sandor Clegane 

Odds he dies: 100%, don’t @ me, guys, it’s def happening like come on

Odds we get a Cleganebowl: like a solid 75% now that those magazine covers came out with him and his broski 

How much of a dick move was it to put the one shot of him in the trailer framed by a fire: a big one, like, come on

Samwell Tarly

Do I relate to his level of discomfort in this promotional poster: big time 

Odds he’s gonna be important for the ultimate survival of men: like 85%, not kidding at all, I have a feeling he will make it to the end of the show and all of his book learning and/or book-locating skill will be put to the test as he figures out how to live during a very long winter

How much do I still love John Bradley, the objectively funniest of the cast: all of the amounts, please talk me out of trying to coordinate a trip to Tennessee later this year to meet him while he attends ConofThrones

Arya

Reasonable over/under for Arya’s body count this season if we get to count wights/White Walkers: 100, I think that’s fair, unless she develops like a medieval grenade

Odds that the show is going to just forget about her list of people she is gonna kill: 50%

Why 50%: because there are a few people still on it (Melly, Beric) who could be conveniently bye if she does knock them off, but if you think they are gonna bring back Ilyn Payne, whom we haven’t seen since Blackwater in season 2, like 

Percent I understand people who watched the beginning of the trailer and saw Arya running away and were like NO DON’T HURT MY PRECIOUS SMOL BEAN despite her being a murderpuppy who Isn’t Nice and would absolutely stab you in the stomach: 10%, she is adorable, I’ll give them that

Brienne

Percentage I am okay: 0%

Odds I’m gonna cry over her character at least once: 100%

Damage I’m gonna do if we don’t get a good scene with her and Jaime: all of it

People who got punched right in the heart over that scene of her and Podrick from the trailer lined up in front of soldiers: if it’s not every single one of you where is your soul

Jaime

Odds he is the valonqar: 100%

Actual odds he is the valonqar if you talk to people who aren’t me: like 75%-ish, yes, I see the other arguments I just choose to ignore them

This poster tho: right? damn

Am I choosing to Eternal Sunshine a certain scene from season 4 and all of his actions in season 5 in order to mentally save his redemption arc somehow: you bet your butt I am 

Brienne: *weeping* BRIENNE

Cersei

Odds on her living: none percent, like, come on

How angry I am that she’s gonna make me run my stupid bookreader mouth about the Golden Company: a lot, tbh

How many awards I wanna give to Lena Heady for that one scene from the trailer where she is teary-eyed and drinking wine: all of them, every award, ugh, she’s been great in this role and her outfit in this poster is V GOOD

Tyrion

Odds homie is also a secret Targ despite our having lost a dragon to the dumbest plot ever and now there can’t be three dragonriders and did the show even really explore how he could be a Targ because I don’t remember and why was he all by himself in the trailer what doofus thing does the plot have you doing now bruh don’t do it: what was the question

Miles away you’ll be able to hear me shouting if they shoehorn a love interest for him in this season especially if it is Dany: how far away is the sun

Odds he lives: 50%? I genuinely have no clue, y’all, let’s just watch together

Davos

My personal bad-feeling odds he’s gonna die: like at least 65% or so, guys, I have a bad feeling

Odds he will correct someone’s grammar this season in the style of Stannis the Mannis: 100% if the showrunners know what’s good for them 

Jorah the Fedora

Why are you not dead: 100%

Chance this show is gonna try to make me care about this galumphus before he nobly sacrifices himself for his khaleesi: 95%

Amount I will care: 2%, because I am not made of stone UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE WHO *SHOULD* BE, BASED ON EVERYTHING IN THE PLOT

I TOO LOVE SAMWELL TARLY BUT JUST BECAUSE HE UPGRADED YOUR EXFOLIATOR FROM ST. IVES’ APRICOT SCRUB TO KATE SOMERVILLE DOES NOT MEAN YOUR EMOTIONALLY-COMPROMISED ASS GETS TO LIVE, BRUH

Bran Muffin

Articles I saw saying “is this a hint about Bran possibly becoming king of Westeros???”: one, no, really, I did

Chances this bozo of a show decides to drag out the R+L+marriage = legit J for a while because why else have Bran there: 65%

Odds we will have some more cool history about Targy Targ bastards because we have the Golden Company founded by one of ’em and then the previous three-eyed raven was another: 30% but that would be kinda cool just cast a fan of the show as Bittersteel for a hot second

ooooooh Bloooooodraven: I believe you can get me through the Long Niiiiiiight

Night King

Odds we will get a Pete Seeger clip from “Night Moves” to narrate something this bad boy does: 0%

Amount I want it anyway: 6000%

I don’t have an odds thing here, I just wanna give props to the designers and makeup artists and everyone else involved with these bad boys because they look incredible and they are creepy and powerful and I end up thinking of the bad things in “I Am Legend” but like the book where they are the good guys just trying to live where they want to and is that not kinda the issue here and how much would we care about their taking over if it started in Dorne vs in the North where our faves lived or came from and okay I’ma wrap this up because I am rambling

Daenerys


Dragonrider????: dragonriderrrrr

Odds that she pregnant: if I got to pick , like, 15%, because whatever, but because the show made a huge deal out of it when she got with Jon there’s probably a 90% chance there is a tiny wolfdragon, who could then be the third head of the dragon, the third dragonrider, ugh I don’t know

Amount I love this poster: the most of all of them, 100%

*all of you out there like ‘really?'”: yep, really, I think it is spot on with her character, her clothes, hair, and expression are perfection, the outfit is a mix of the North and her Essos clothing, and I love love love from the knees down: it’s both a power position of ownership and also a weak position because a man would be manspreading.

*you guys* is, is she done, or: yes, sorry, done

Ew-ron

Button your goddamn shirt: 110%

Wash your hair: 120%

Who holds the arm rests to a throne like that: only the worst person ever

I can smell this poster through the screen: it smells like low tide at a marina plus a frat house basement plus feet 

Minutes I will tolerate this gaping black hole of time and charisma being in this last season: 15

“So like, 15 minutes of the first episode, or-“: yes, that, exactly, I hate him so much

Jon

Odds he lives through the third episode with the Battle of Winterfell: 95%, I think he’s gotta be in all the eps

Odds he’s riding a dragon: oh heck yes he absolutely is

Do we get a Jon and Arya reunion scene: IF THESE JERKS KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM WE DO

Odds I’m gonna be real sad if something bad happens to him: genuinely really flipping sad; this character has been very enjoyable to watch, I’ve loved seeing Kit grow into it, and even though he’s essentially living on borrowed time at the moment there is still a part of me that wants him to beat the odds and rule

Jon’s actual reaction if he were to be given the actual throne: oh ffs stop giving me stuff I don’t want any of it I just wanna lie down for a while and cuddle my pet wolf

Where is Ghost: HE’D BETTER BE IN SEASON 8 THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING

Anyway friends, if we get more material leading up to it I’ll be sure to check in, but otherwise please stay tuned for my all-caps reaction posts which I will be doing for each episode. I plan to stick with “one ep one post” but we will see for those last gigantic ones; I may need to break it up. Keep calm and hate Euron, and I’m excited, friends, I’ve missed this!

Uncategorized

Football penalties applied to my real-life actions

February 5, 2019

(This is written in honor of Rip van Super Bowl, where a record-setting punt was the most exciting thing to happen)

I need a set of people in striped shirts to just throw yellow napkins at me any time I’m messing up my own existence

Also I am hilarious, enjoy

  • Holding (defensive)
    • I’m keeping a shirt that doesn’t fit I haven’t worn in 2 years in my closet because “I might need a shirt like this sometime”
  • Holding (offensive)
    • Transporting stuff that never got unpacked after my last move in my new move as if I’m going to unpack it this time
      • And then leaving it on a high shelf or a garage
        • I couldn’t possibly throw out that notebook how dare you insinuate that I should
  •  Illegal use of hands to the face
    • I’m digging at a pimple on my chin
  • Face mask
    • I’m using a face mask as self-care while ignoring every other physical need my body has
  • Pass interference
    • Pick up your phone while it is ringing
      • No, now, not later
        • Listen to the goddamn voicemail oh my God
  • Chop block
    • When I decide to go for a run after taking like a month off and decide to do like 3 miles at once for no reason other than “let’s see what happens”
      • I am in serious pain, that’s what happens
        • Ya doofus
  • Clipping
    • Don’t eat yet another refined carb you absolute menace
      • It is 10:37 PM you do not need a Pop-Tart
  • Roy Williams tackle
    • When instead of walking the extra like, 8 feet to the trashcan, I decide to hang on to whatever tissue or refuse I have, and just hold it in my hand like a goddamn weirdo, or leave it on the table or floor, creating more work for myself later
  • Roughing the passer
    • When I have no idea how to accept a compliment so I aggressively insinuate that the person who delivered the compliment is a lying liar
  • Roughing the kicker
    • When I refuse to accept a gift
  • Too many men on the field
    • This one is called any time I jump to conclusions about a friend’s boyfriend and immediately tell them to dump him
      • I am bad at giving relationship advice that isn’t DUMP HIM, DUMP HIM YESTERDAY
  • Offside
    • I’m disclosing my mental health history and past trauma wayyyyy too fast for the length of the acquaintance
  • False start
    • When I buy yet another journal or notebook with the intention of *~*starting fresh*~* and I never ever write in it
      • This one is a 10-yard penalty
        • 5 yards is when I read yet another article about bullet journaling like it is going to alter my behavior in some way
  • Delay of game
    • Get out of bed
      • Now
        • Stop scrolling Twitter you maniac
          • No it doesn’t matter that you’re reading the news, get up
            • 10-yard penalty
              • 15-yard penalty
                • 15 lightyear penalty STOP BEING THE WAY YOU ARE
  • Calling excess timeouts
    • When I don’t even cancel plans, I refuse to make them in the first place
  • Personal foul
    • Ooooh this one has several
      • Any time I see a group of teens laughing about something and I assume they are mocking me
      • When a baby boomer says something about working their way through college and instead of ignoring it I end up with a throbbing neck vein of stress
      • Anyone ever says anything bad about my dog ever
        • this hasn’t happened but I cannot imagine my reaction would be reasonable or appropriate
  • Unsportsmanlike conduct
    • My replying to a text message with “so sorry! just saw this!” when I definitely saw it in a notification, read it, and then put my phone away
Nerding

Aquaman: an enthusiastic review

January 1, 2019

So, ya girl got to go see this rainbow bagel of a film a week early thanks to being an Amazon Prime member (and an elitist, let’s be real).  Andrew is a very quality spouse and 1. wanted to see this movie plus 2. knew this movie had been taking up an entire chamber of my heart and lobe of my brain since it had been announced that Jason Momoa was gonna play the title character.  As you may have noted from this post, I adore Jason Momoa.  He is labrador energy in a grizzly bear body.  He is starshine and your oldest, most comfortable pair of shoes.  He is a waterfall of enthusiasm and he’s probably broken some ribs with his hugs, and he is hashtag goals.

We went to see it on December 15th, but you have all now had access to it for a week, so now I can talk about it.  Additionally, I have seen it twice, and although I was willing to vouch for it entirely based on one viewing, I am standing even more fully in support.

This movie, man.  This movie, which combines the beauty of James Cameron’s Avatar with the terrible dialogue of… James Cameron’s Avatar okay I’m done that was not true.  But legit, this movie was The Fast and the Furious: This Time We’re in Water  and I adored it.  Like, the below still is him while he’s talking to a man who is about to drown.  That’s the look we went for.

this is it, this is the whole movie

And let me be clear: this movie is not reviving DC like Wonder Woman.  This movie is not Wonder Woman.  I loved WW, but it made me laugh and cry and feel things about the substance of humanity and souls and what can be saved and what is deserved and where hope lies.  Aquaman made me laugh and laugh harder and pump my fist for CGI battles with Atlanteans riding on sharks and for Momoa’s pectorals.  It is an absolutely bananas movie, and I will slowly work up in levels of bananas.  Spoilers for everything: don’t read if you haven’t seen it and care about spoilers, but if you won’t see it and just wanna see me say stuff about Jason strap in

Reasonable amount of bananas

Black Manta

So they advertised Black Manta as being in the film, and he is, but he is mostly set up to be a recurring problem for our damp wonderboy.  And he’s… fine?  He’s not in the movie as much as I thought he’d be, but he is a part of this really gorgeous chase scene through a Sicilian town, and he could be fun in follow-up movies.  His origin story made sense: he and his dad are pirates, Aquaman shows up to rescue a sub they attacked, his dad gets trapped and Aquaman doesn’t save him.  Manta therefore hates him and yeah, that’s a solid backstory.  This isn’t even that bananas, it’s just that the head of the costume looks kind of like that Lord Farquaad costume from Shrek.  It is unreasonably large.  Also mantas are chill animals but I digress.

King Orm

The actual “villain” for this movie is King Orm, who suffers from the same problem that Killmonger did, in that when he talks you’re like “eeeeeeerm homeboy is kinda right???”  Like he is starting the war because surface-dwellers (i.e. humans; he’s not mad at echidnas) are throwing their warships and submarines and their relentless trash into the oceans, and that is killing them, and… shit, he’s got a point.  He’s so incredibly extra about everything, but we are genuinely ruining the oceans and while I appreciate not having a heavy cruiser landing on my home, we have to be less terrible.  He still looks like an elf from Lord of the Rings who calls the cops on the party next door at 9:30 PM on a Saturday, but homie has a point.  He has several points, in fact, since he has a trident heyyooooo okay please don’t yell at me for that joke

Jason’s little forehead kiss to his lady at the end of the movie

I really don’t have any commentary for this, but obvs Aquaman and Mera, Ariel in Real Life become a couple, and in the last triumphant frame of the movie that shows them, he hugs her to his body and gives her a little forehead kiss and if you need me I’ll be lying down

tbf if you need anyone with eyes who has seen this movie they’ll be lying down too

Fully into the bananas farm now

Willem Dafoe

You guys.  YOU GUYS.  Dafoe plays Vulko, the vizier to Orm (sidenote has any vizier ever in the history of fiction NOT betrayed his king or queen like) and just pretty much does what he wants?  Like it is hella unclear what his duties are other than saying “BUT, MY KING” and swimming a lot.  His job has such a good vacation policy that he can apparently visit Arthur all the time to Aqua-Karate-Kid (Aquate Kid?) train this little bastard to be swimmy and fighty and hidey and good with that trident.  How.  Like, does Atlantis have an FMLA policy?  How do you have this freedom? Don’t you have like, a to-do list?  Is there an Outlook calendar for you to plug in a scheduled absence?  What do you put, like, “training your nemesis to fight you, April 12 8:30 AM to 4 PM”  He’s totally necessary to the plot, it falls apart without him, and the training itself makes sense, it’s just odd to watch him go back to The Bad Guy after he’s done From Here to Eternity-ing Jason Momoa.

He also has a top knot that makes him look like a hipster Prince Zuko

him and Baby Arthur

I’m saying it’s bananas, I’m not saying I didn’t like it; I LOVED IT

The initial battle between Arthur and Orm

It is… just, a lot.  Our lovable, stupid hero challenges Orm to a battle to the death, because he is stupid, he is so stupid, he looks like a college freshman challenging the president of the campus’ party frat to a drinking contest (YOU WILL LOSE, YOU OVERCONFIDENT CHILD) and the challenge is called The Ring of Fire.  Johnny Cash is not there.  Lava is.

You know what else is there?  An octopus with a set of timpanis.  He has a mallet in each tentacle and plays the pump-up music for this fight on his enormous soggy timpanis and IT’S ONLY LIKE 2 SECONDS OF THE MOVIE AND WE MOVE PAST IT.  It fits the scene, and I adored it, and who better to play the drums than an octopus?

Dolph Lundgren

Dolph Lundgren is in this film as a watery king.  There’s nothing I can say to enhance this image; whatever you’re picturing is it.

The bar scene

These tough looking biker guys go up to Arthur, ask him if he’s “that fish boy,” he replies “fish man,” they say they have a question, and that question is if they can take a selfie with Aquaman.  The spokesman for the bikers has a pink iPhone case.  This set the tone for the entire movie (that tone is “Arthur Wants to Hit Everything Into Justice/It’s Not That Serious”) and it was great, my theater cracked up.  This alone was worth the price of admission.

Nicole Kidman

She’s a queen of Atlantis.  She gets a long blonde wig.  She eats a goldfish.  She is clearly having a goddamn blast chewing scenery and delivering lines like “where I’m from, the sea carries our tears away.”  Like that is objectively TERRIBLE but she delivers it like she’s in The Hours again and she is just so EARNEST and EMOTIONAL that you are listening to her deliver the lines like they’re the tears in rain monologue.  They’re not.  They’re bad.  But she absolutely owns the part of a stunning sea queen.

Now, onto my favorite section

An excessive level of bananas

Pitbull’s cover of Toto’s “Africa”

We earned this, everyone.  We did.  Our hero and Ariel are riding a plane to land in the Sahara desert to continue the chase for this trident (stay with me) and the plane flies over sand to a cover of Pitbull singing “Africa.”  And technically, Mr. Worldwide is just Mr. WorldRapping the verse while his Mr. WorldWomen sing the chorus and I don’t even know, guys.  I started laughing in the theater and couldn’t stop for about a minute.

Julie Andrews

This is a spoiler, but my girl voices a sea monster.  And this thing is like a kraken plus Surtur from Ragnarok. It eats people.  She’s the voice.  Like if Smaug had a girlfriend.  I absolutely LOST IT when I heard her start talking.  She’s perfect I love her if she needs a kidney she can have both of mine

Aquaman’s attire

(just real quick to the producers) CHANGE NOTHING, I DIDN’T SAY I DIDN’T LIKE IT

He is shirtless when he is saving people, which… fine, you know your audience.  Which is a bunch of desperate, thirsty people.

And then, you go ahead and put this fucker in jeans and a leather belt and leather armbands and a big ol’ necklace that is not affected by drag I guess and like 400 rings to go swim in the goddamn sea like that makes any sense at all and you know what?  Good.  This might have just been how The King of Thirst showed up on set one day and you went NAILED IT and just started shooting and made him walk through mist while a guitar riff plays and he is smirking and wearing what have to be the least comfortable pair of jeans in the entire world and good.  The world is a broken, sad place where logic infrequently reigns, and this costuming choice was chaotic good.

liKE????

HE HAS HIS KEYS OR A WALLET OR THE HEARTS OF US ALL ON A CHAIN, LOOPED TO HIS BELT, THIS HAPPENED, THIS WAS A CHOICE

And I just realized we are all lusting over a character with a chain wallet

supports my theory of “Jason Momoa could wear anything up to and including the line from Derelicte from Zoolander and make it look appealing”

Atlanteans have evolved like a drunk cladogram

Yes, yes, I hear you, people who are like “okay but whales are weird, too! They were on land, and then they went back to the sea, and that doesn’t make sense either!”

But, okay, there are 7 kingdoms, one is Atlantis, two is Atlantis but not Atlantis because we need a princess who isn’t Orm and Arthur’s sister, three is people who are also fish (Orm mocks them by calling them philosophers and poets and…they can hang, probs), four is the Brine who are, I believe, crabs, for all intents and purposes, and five is the Trench, who are the scariest things to ever happen to me don’t TOUCH ME.  Two are dead and gone.  I… how.  How.  How you get crabs, and fish people, and gills, and not gills, and people but our city sunk into the sea and we did okay, and… what.  Vulko signs off on this with “our technology allowed us to survive” WHAT.  That’s like me getting dropped next to Guam and being like “nah I’m fine I’ve got my glasses with me.”  Like the rest of the bananas stuff, I’m psyched they ran with it, because the final battle was Return-of-the-King-FOR-FRODO gorgeous, but it makes less than zero sense.  Just because Willem Dafoe delivers the story and he’s supportive and terrifying doesn’t mean I’ll buy it, movie.

and, my favorite

There are dinosaurs and no one cares????

There’s another kingdom, at the center, you get there by going through the Trench, Atlanna was stuck there, the trident is there, they get out, but THERE ARE DINOSAURS AND EVERYONE IS FINE WITH IT.  Even just the existence of AN ENTIRE OTHER OCEAN AND WORLD AND THE REST OF IT is like “oh look it’s MOM”

Nicole Kidman is very pretty and your mother is very important but THERE ARE DINOSAURS

DI

NO

SAURS

And Scales-R-Us here just swings back with the trident like “not now I got stuff to do” and lets the dinos stay there and… well, okay, yeah, based on a whole bunch of Jurassic Park movies that’s probably the best call but literally no one says ANYTHING about it.  We are too busy strapping plasma guns to sharks and letting Julie Andrews voice a calamari to even focus on the dinosaurs.

to be fair this is the battle

And like the rest of the movie, let me reiterate: it is Ain’t No TrawlaBack Girl b-a-n-a-n-a-s (please appreciate my fishing boat joke) but in no way did I dislike it.  More shark plasma guns.  More swimmy jeans.  More Dolph Lundgren.  This movie was everything I needed to seize some happiness, and I am delighted that it exists.  2019 is the Year of No More Gritty Reboots.  I don’t wanna watch anymore sad stuff, okay? And if you fee me a diet of Willem Dafoe’s topknots, I will give you all of my free time.

Personal

I’m a cashier working during the holiday season and I’m here to ruin your life

November 25, 2018

Hi there.  You don’t know me yet, but you will.  Mostly because I’m about to fuck up your next 6 hours, but also because I am wearing a name tag.

When you first arrived, I hope you enjoyed the labyrinthine hellscape that is the shopping mall parking lot, because I personally designed it.  I paid an old man driving a Mercury to wait for you to arrive, and then to immediately swerve in and take a good parking spot from you.  I also hired a variety of SmartCar drivers and motorcycles to make spaces look empty and raise your hopes until you reach them and attempt to turn in and then swear violently because they are not available spots.  While you are inside the mall, the two cars next to yours will leave, and the two Honda Odyssey owners I hired will park 12 inches from each side of your car.  One of them will have a bumper sticker you vehemently disagree with.
I made the weather bad, too.  I made it 41 degrees and lightly raining, and after that I closed your favorite department store. Your second favorite will be closing in 6 months, and your third favorite is located as far away as possible from where you parked.
Before you even walked in, I had your friends and family do surveillance on what you generally expect to spend on some items at my store.  I requested their detailed reports, and then I went around and marked up the prices on those items by 12-ish percent.  I also discounted the items in colors you hate.  I also made sure anything you would like to purchase 2 (but not 3) of is under a “buy 2 get 1 free” scenario so you feel like you’ve saved money but when you arrive home you realize there was no sale and you are now further encumbered by material goods.
Those same snitching friends and family also found out what temperature you keep the house at, and I set the thermostat 8 degrees colder than that.  Unless you came in carrying your large coat, then I adjust it to 9 degrees warmer.
If you have children, I sewed a piece of mildly irritating fabric into one of their socks, and that’s why they are 1. crying and 2. refusing to walk.  I slipped ’em 5 bucks to complain about being hungry every ten minutes.  And if you have more than one child?  While your back was turned, I gave all of them stickers, but with vast differences in size and quality, and they are about to turn this mall into the goddamn Octagon of Jealousy.
It’s cute that you think your stroller is going to fix this situation.  I slightly adjusted the wheel so it squeaks and I restructured the store layout so you’re forced to do like a 7-point turn to look at some Fortnite bullshit.
My coworkers and I are hoarding the gift boxes for the particular item you are purchasing.  There are at least 500 of them, but we will not be giving you any.  Later, we will make a simulacrum of you, complete with holiday sweater, and will burn you in effigy while singing “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”  I’ll Snapchat you the video.
While you’re visiting us, I intend to fully misunderstand every detailed instruction you give me about what you’re looking for (such as “I’m looking for a gift for my wife” and trailing off into silence, or “SLACKS?! I NEED LADIES’ SLACKS!”).  I have no interest in helping any other customers, or cleaning up fitting rooms, or answering the ringing phone, or sitting down.  My one true purpose today is to spend as much time with you as possible, because I can only feel joy while wasting the time of a stranger while failing to make a sale.
But wait, what’s that you say? Do you also need to make a return? *shivers* Oh, God, please say yes, and please say you don’t have a receipt.  Submitting to an adult tantrum about an item that looks like it was run over by that old dude in a Mercury and then worn through the plot of The Poseidon Adventure that we simply refuse to accept back is like having 40 orgasms at once.  If you do have a receipt, can you just get rid of it?  It’s so much better without one.  I promise to make your time at my register at least 15 minutes longer without a receipt than the 20 minutes it was already going to take just ’cause.  I’ll even throw in a phone call to customer service for you – I paid them off earlier today to say the exact same thing I just told you.
At the moment you are ready to check out, my coordinated strike team will jump into line right in front of you, and all of them want to use multiple forms of payment, and all of them need gift receipts.  Half of them also have coupons that won’t scan.
And speaking of coupons, while you were in the restroom and asked me to watch your kids for a minute because that is a thing I very super want to and am paid to do, I changed the expiration dates on your coupons and none of them are valid.  If I could genuinely change the entire date and time of the world in order to make your coupons expired, I would, but all I can do is change the expiration dates and then refuse to accept them.
We definitely gift wrap here. I definitely know how to gift wrap.  I’m just saying that I don’t know how and that we don’t have gift wrap because I get a little bit high off of your angry face.
Once your visit to my store is complete, I’ll be giving you incorrect directions to your next destination on purpose, and between “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays,” I will use the parting salutation that will anger you most.  Good luck with the Odysseys.
Nerding

A definitive ranking of Halloween candy

October 30, 2018

Last year, I unfortunately missed out on being able to sit out front and hand out candy, but I am making sure that I am out front this year, perhaps with Bailey, who will be dressed as The Goodest Girl oh WAIT that’s not a costume that’s who she is.  I didn’t realize how much I’d like it, but there is a really simple joy to seeing a kid and parent just be super psyched that you gave them candy while they put on a fun outfit.  If you’re a robber baron, of course the bowls left out with no one to guard them are prime, but as a kid, I really always liked actually getting a person when I walked up.

So, while we can all agree that dressing up and getting free candy is just A+, there is some disagreement regarding what candy is the best to receive in your bag.  I’m here to lay the debate to rest for good.

IMPORTANT: these are ranked as if a child is receiving them, not me

I’m not gonna get turnt over Fun Dip now, even though that weird as hell candy was A+++ when I was a kid yes please give me powdered sugar on a stick and then let me eat the stick

ALSO IMPORTANT: for simplicity and fairness, I will be rating the “fun sized” version of each of these candies, especially since it was the most likely size you’d end up with

Full-sized candy was for rich kids and mini-sized candy is for white ladies to put on a coffee table during a dinner party  Continue Reading…

Nerding

Meathead Mondays: Jason Statham

August 20, 2018

everybodaaaaaay

rock yo’ body riiiiight

Backmuscles’ back, ALL RIGHT

No, that doesn’t scan, and frankly I don’t care.  Yes, it has been a while since I’ve typed out an ode to actin and myosin (that is a muscle fiber joke stay with me) but given the recent release of The Meg I figured no better time than now to sing the praises of everyone’s favorite terrifying English dude. I am having difficulty uploading the pictures I chose of his intensely coiled body and face, so this is a text-only post, and if you stop reading now because of it I would not blame you.

That’s right.  This post is about Jason Statham.  You can’t spell “Man” without Jason Statham.  I don’t know what I’m saying.  I just love his bald head and his intense stare and his accent that never changes and his aggressive dedication to playing one character forever because boyyyy howdy will I continue to watch his stuff until the abyss swallows us all.

Continue Reading…

Uncategorized

I tried a spa and I think I am not the target audience for spas

July 30, 2018

Heyyyyy friends.  We recently returned from a very very very delayed (3 years!) and very very very good honeymoon trip to Riviera Maya in Mexico.  We stayed at an all-inclusive resort and it was the best goshdarn thing in the entire world.  The food!  The sunshine!  The pools!  The…roughly 5 total drinks I had because I am a dweeb and do not take advantage of the alcohol part of the inclusivity!  The sunscreen I applied 800 times!  The room with its balcony!  Our concierge! Having a concierge!  Learning roughly ten new Spanish words!  Finishing one of the three books I brought with me!  Waffles!  So many waffles!  There was! A breakfast buffet! I love waffles! There were so many iguanas!  I got several pictures of them!  Here are two! 

We also did two things that required us to participate in the world for more than the time it took to order a burrito to be delivered to the pool!  One was a morning that we went to the beach rather than a pool, and we brought our snorkeling stuff and rented some life vests, and we went in, and GUYS.  GUYYYYS. G G G U U U Y Y Y Y Y Y S.  WE SAW A SEA TURTLE.  It was swimming and eating stuff on the bottom and it came up for air like BLOOP and kinda looked around for a second and then dove back down and ate some more and it was like 2 feet long and it was majestic and I screamed into my snorkel and clawed at Andrew’s arm and oh my GOD, IT WAS A SEA TURTLE.  Andrew asked if I wanted to do additional snorkeling and instead of considering his wishes at all I replied “no, I saw a sea turtle, what else would I need to do.”  TURTLE.  I hadn’t gotten a magnet with a turtle on it earlier because I didn’t want to be a fraud but I then purchased a turtle magnet because TURTLE.

“hey, Christina, isn’t your bachelor’s degree in biology and you know more things about turtles than ‘they eat stuff and bloop'”

Yes

What is your point

bloop

And for the day where we actually left the property, we did an excursion to adventures and ruins.  We did a bunch of zip-lines, and I loved it, but since it was my first zip-lining experience I was Not Pleased when I got spun around because I was sure I was gonna crash into a tree George-of-the-Jungle style.  We also did rappelling and because I am tough as nails I got a blister on my first finger on my right hand and only complained about it like a dozen times.  We also snorkeled in a cenote (freshwater underground cave) and it was amazing and I did not bonk my head on a stalactite.  The ruins part was Tulum, which is the most I’ve ever sweat in my life, and I’m still so glad we went: it was stunning to see.

And, actually, wait: it was not the most I’ve sweat in my entire life.  That honor is taken by my first spa experience several days later.

Our concierge, the biggest baller in the world, gave us a ton of nice things for free because it was our honeymoon and first time at the resort and probably to get us to come back but heck yes, we will take them.  One of them was a pass to use the hydrotherapy at the spa.  Hydrotherapy is apparently exactly what it sounds like: a whole bunch of jets at different stations that shoot water at your muscles and make them feel good.

This was very generous and awesome especially since we did not need to pay (it would’ve been like $70 for us both) but I am perhaps not a being made for a spa.

Everything went pretty well at the beginning: we went in, we wrote our medical stuff down, they gave us each a locker (I assume, I wasn’t with Andrew, maybe they just throw the guys’ stuff on a pile and are like “you ain’t pretty this what you get”), they gave us robes, and then they walked us through the spa like a goddamn Minotaur to the hydrotherapy place. (That was a maze joke I’m sorry I’ll shut up.)

At this point I’m feeling pretty good!  I’m a little freaked out because things are so nice and I am a frizzy mess and I’m not wearing my glasses, so I’m anxious, but everyone is very nice, and the people in the hydrotherapy pool look super relaxed!  We walked over a pool with a bunch of rocks at the bottom, which is apparently for reflexology which makes sense as my reflexes were certainly stimulated and they were saying “girl apparently the North Shore of Long Island is one big reflexology pool” but it did feel good. There’s a set of “rustic showers,” which I think is Mexican Spanish for “don’t actually get naked here you spa-going monsters oh my God this is why we can’t have nice things,” and they told us to use them to get less gross.  I was good up until this point.

We were then brought over to the sauna.

Now, I realize this is a controversial opinion, but fuck a sauna.  Oh, my God, you are willingly dessicating your organs and sweating out rivers and this is supposed to feel good???  Andrew loves them, so I went in with him, and while he was enjoying his cleansing and muscle relaxing or whatever horseshit he feels happens in that dehydrated murderbox (love you babe but I don’t understand), I was lying down with my knees up trying not to have a panic attack.  Y’know, how one does a spa day.  I calmed down enough to not be hyperventilating the set of Mad Max: Fury Road, and then the attendant came in with a cool scented washcloth and told us to put it over our eyes and this was the point I was absolutely convinced I would die.  You want me to step into a tiny wood desert, set a timer, allow me to sweat oceans, get said sweat into my eyeballs so I’m thisclose to whimpering, and then you bring me a smothercloth and expect me to relax? Absolutely not, this washcloth means you are seasoning my body Salt-Bae-style and some animals will enjoy it later as jerky.

And just to give you perspective, they set the sauna timer at 5 minutes. I am just the chillest human whom you never have to reassure her death is not imminent during a relaxation procedure.

They let us out, I probably looked like a potential lawsuit, and into the rustic showers we went, and I could have stayed there and let the rain fall down and wake my dreams and that would have been my hydrotherapy. I assumed we were then gonna go into a pool because I had participated in spa hazing and was now a member of Kappa Alpha Why.

But no.  Not at all.  I had not adequately proven myself to the fraternity of Making Shit Up And Saying It’s Relaxing, because we were then directed to a steam room.  I had thought that the dry heat of the convection oven I’d just spent 5 minutes in was the worst feeling in the world, but I was wrong: the steam room is a large crab boil but for humans and they make it smell nice and they wanted me to be in there breathing air piped in directly from Old fucking Faithful for an additional five minutes.  I have to imagine that during this time the attendants would close the door, walk around the corner, and burst out laughing about the shit they make gringo ladies do while simultaneously collecting bets from billionaires on how long the anxious woman is gonna last in “Escape the Room: Central Florida.”

I walked in with Andrew, took one breath, and said “nope!” out loud.  I attempted two more breaths, Andrew encouraged me to leave, and I left and took another “rustic shower” and contemplated just staying there forever and hoping they’d assume I ran away.

The attendants found me (and Andrew! he only lasted a few minutes) wrapped in a towel and looking ashamed.

They then directed us to two small round pools, and stated that the second one was very warm, and that the first one was very cold, and something about varying your body’s temperature is good for it, and holy angels and saints in heaven absolutely fucking not.  I say this, but I did it, because I cannot stand up for myself when fancy things are happening.  I got into the My Heart Will Go On pool, shrieked a little because it was FIFTY DEGREES, got out, got into the warm one, and contemplated drowning myself in embarrassment.

We then actually did hydrotherapy, which was actually delightful: there were a ton of jets that hit your shoulders and neck and head and that felt really good and you just stand there and let things hit you and no one tells you to get into a tiny Death Valley and I liked it a lot.  I wanted to stay there forever.

We did both eventually get out (after Andrew went into the icebath two more times because I married a person who is not looking out for his own well-being) and the attendants came to retrieve us, and this part was my final personal humiliation.

I couldn’t find my locker, to start: the spa is like the goddamn third Triwizard task and I was scared I was gonna have to fight a beautifully-arranged pile of towels.  Once I got to my locker, I couldn’t find the bathrooms, and I sucked it up and asked, and bless you to the attendant who did not laugh at me and my terror-face.  And because I didn’t trust myself to find my own hydrotherapy-ed ass at this point, I also asked for the location of the showers.

I got my towels ready, I brought my change of clothes in, and I clicked on the light only to discover that this shower had only three walls and the last one was a glass pane through which you view a rock garden with a few willowy plants.

No, no one could see you.  Yes, they had structured them so you couldn’t actually get stuck in the rock garden.  No, you didn’t have to use that section of the shower.  But I am full-on over-on-the-Mayflower, layers-are-bae, so-I-put-on-a-sweater-and-a-pair-of-corduroy-pants-level insecure, and having this goddamn Rear Window situation happening during my shower, my by myself time, my I got into your Easy Bake Oven now let me panic in peace, goddammit setup, and I was NOT HAPPY.

Yes, for normal, non-mentally-ill people this is relaxing!  It was quiet, and pretty, and it smelled nice! But when you have someone like me who would gladly install 18 more locks on her bathroom door and is generally one appearance-based comment away from a meltdown, this was not great, Bob.  But I did it!  I took my shaky Chihuahua shower, and I used the comb that the spa puts in the shower, and I got some nice-smelling lotion on my legs, and I opened my bag and realized I had left the skirt I was going to wear in our hotel room and y’all, perhaps I am not meant to spa.  Don’t try to give me anything nicer than a sheet mask – I am not the target audience and I will mess it up.  You heart is in the right place, but my panic is front and center.

I got back to our room (wearing my swimsuit coverup) and opened a glass bottle of Coca-Cola and actually?  I take that back.  If you wanna give me something nice, give me a very secure room with four thick and opaque walls and a six-pack of glass bottles of Coke.  I will be so flippin’ relaxed.