Football penalties applied to my real-life actions

(This is written in honor of Rip van Super Bowl, where a record-setting punt was the most exciting thing to happen)

I need a set of people in striped shirts to just throw yellow napkins at me any time I’m messing up my own existence

Also I am hilarious, enjoy

  • Holding (defensive)
    • I’m keeping a shirt that doesn’t fit I haven’t worn in 2 years in my closet because “I might need a shirt like this sometime”
  • Holding (offensive)
    • Transporting stuff that never got unpacked after my last move in my new move as if I’m going to unpack it this time
      • And then leaving it on a high shelf or a garage
        • I couldn’t possibly throw out that notebook how dare you insinuate that I should
  •  Illegal use of hands to the face
    • I’m digging at a pimple on my chin
  • Face mask
    • I’m using a face mask as self-care while ignoring every other physical need my body has
  • Pass interference
    • Pick up your phone while it is ringing
      • No, now, not later
        • Listen to the goddamn voicemail oh my God
  • Chop block
    • When I decide to go for a run after taking like a month off and decide to do like 3 miles at once for no reason other than “let’s see what happens”
      • I am in serious pain, that’s what happens
        • Ya doofus
  • Clipping
    • Don’t eat yet another refined carb you absolute menace
      • It is 10:37 PM you do not need a Pop-Tart
  • Roy Williams tackle
    • When instead of walking the extra like, 8 feet to the trashcan, I decide to hang on to whatever tissue or refuse I have, and just hold it in my hand like a goddamn weirdo, or leave it on the table or floor, creating more work for myself later
  • Roughing the passer
    • When I have no idea how to accept a compliment so I aggressively insinuate that the person who delivered the compliment is a lying liar
  • Roughing the kicker
    • When I refuse to accept a gift
  • Too many men on the field
    • This one is called any time I jump to conclusions about a friend’s boyfriend and immediately tell them to dump him
      • I am bad at giving relationship advice that isn’t DUMP HIM, DUMP HIM YESTERDAY
  • Offside
    • I’m disclosing my mental health history and past trauma wayyyyy too fast for the length of the acquaintance
  • False start
    • When I buy yet another journal or notebook with the intention of *~*starting fresh*~* and I never ever write in it
      • This one is a 10-yard penalty
        • 5 yards is when I read yet another article about bullet journaling like it is going to alter my behavior in some way
  • Delay of game
    • Get out of bed
      • Now
        • Stop scrolling Twitter you maniac
          • No it doesn’t matter that you’re reading the news, get up
            • 10-yard penalty
              • 15-yard penalty
                • 15 lightyear penalty STOP BEING THE WAY YOU ARE
  • Calling excess timeouts
    • When I don’t even cancel plans, I refuse to make them in the first place
  • Personal foul
    • Ooooh this one has several
      • Any time I see a group of teens laughing about something and I assume they are mocking me
      • When a baby boomer says something about working their way through college and instead of ignoring it I end up with a throbbing neck vein of stress
      • Anyone ever says anything bad about my dog ever
        • this hasn’t happened but I cannot imagine my reaction would be reasonable or appropriate
  • Unsportsmanlike conduct
    • My replying to a text message with “so sorry! just saw this!” when I definitely saw it in a notification, read it, and then put my phone away

Aquaman: an enthusiastic review

So, ya girl got to go see this rainbow bagel of a film a week early thanks to being an Amazon Prime member (and an elitist, let’s be real).  Andrew is a very quality spouse and 1. wanted to see this movie plus 2. knew this movie had been taking up an entire chamber of my heart and lobe of my brain since it had been announced that Jason Momoa was gonna play the title character.  As you may have noted from this post, I adore Jason Momoa.  He is labrador energy in a grizzly bear body.  He is starshine and your oldest, most comfortable pair of shoes.  He is a waterfall of enthusiasm and he’s probably broken some ribs with his hugs, and he is hashtag goals.

We went to see it on December 15th, but you have all now had access to it for a week, so now I can talk about it.  Additionally, I have seen it twice, and although I was willing to vouch for it entirely based on one viewing, I am standing even more fully in support.

This movie, man.  This movie, which combines the beauty of James Cameron’s Avatar with the terrible dialogue of… James Cameron’s Avatar okay I’m done that was not true.  But legit, this movie was The Fast and the Furious: This Time We’re in Water  and I adored it.  Like, the below still is him while he’s talking to a man who is about to drown.  That’s the look we went for.

this is it, this is the whole movie

And let me be clear: this movie is not reviving DC like Wonder Woman.  This movie is not Wonder Woman.  I loved WW, but it made me laugh and cry and feel things about the substance of humanity and souls and what can be saved and what is deserved and where hope lies.  Aquaman made me laugh and laugh harder and pump my fist for CGI battles with Atlanteans riding on sharks and for Momoa’s pectorals.  It is an absolutely bananas movie, and I will slowly work up in levels of bananas.  Spoilers for everything: don’t read if you haven’t seen it and care about spoilers, but if you won’t see it and just wanna see me say stuff about Jason strap in

Reasonable amount of bananas

Black Manta

So they advertised Black Manta as being in the film, and he is, but he is mostly set up to be a recurring problem for our damp wonderboy.  And he’s… fine?  He’s not in the movie as much as I thought he’d be, but he is a part of this really gorgeous chase scene through a Sicilian town, and he could be fun in follow-up movies.  His origin story made sense: he and his dad are pirates, Aquaman shows up to rescue a sub they attacked, his dad gets trapped and Aquaman doesn’t save him.  Manta therefore hates him and yeah, that’s a solid backstory.  This isn’t even that bananas, it’s just that the head of the costume looks kind of like that Lord Farquaad costume from Shrek.  It is unreasonably large.  Also mantas are chill animals but I digress.

King Orm

The actual “villain” for this movie is King Orm, who suffers from the same problem that Killmonger did, in that when he talks you’re like “eeeeeeerm homeboy is kinda right???”  Like he is starting the war because surface-dwellers (i.e. humans; he’s not mad at echidnas) are throwing their warships and submarines and their relentless trash into the oceans, and that is killing them, and… shit, he’s got a point.  He’s so incredibly extra about everything, but we are genuinely ruining the oceans and while I appreciate not having a heavy cruiser landing on my home, we have to be less terrible.  He still looks like an elf from Lord of the Rings who calls the cops on the party next door at 9:30 PM on a Saturday, but homie has a point.  He has several points, in fact, since he has a trident heyyooooo okay please don’t yell at me for that joke

Jason’s little forehead kiss to his lady at the end of the movie

I really don’t have any commentary for this, but obvs Aquaman and Mera, Ariel in Real Life become a couple, and in the last triumphant frame of the movie that shows them, he hugs her to his body and gives her a little forehead kiss and if you need me I’ll be lying down

tbf if you need anyone with eyes who has seen this movie they’ll be lying down too

Fully into the bananas farm now

Willem Dafoe

You guys.  YOU GUYS.  Dafoe plays Vulko, the vizier to Orm (sidenote has any vizier ever in the history of fiction NOT betrayed his king or queen like) and just pretty much does what he wants?  Like it is hella unclear what his duties are other than saying “BUT, MY KING” and swimming a lot.  His job has such a good vacation policy that he can apparently visit Arthur all the time to Aqua-Karate-Kid (Aquate Kid?) train this little bastard to be swimmy and fighty and hidey and good with that trident.  How.  Like, does Atlantis have an FMLA policy?  How do you have this freedom? Don’t you have like, a to-do list?  Is there an Outlook calendar for you to plug in a scheduled absence?  What do you put, like, “training your nemesis to fight you, April 12 8:30 AM to 4 PM”  He’s totally necessary to the plot, it falls apart without him, and the training itself makes sense, it’s just odd to watch him go back to The Bad Guy after he’s done From Here to Eternity-ing Jason Momoa.

He also has a top knot that makes him look like a hipster Prince Zuko

him and Baby Arthur

I’m saying it’s bananas, I’m not saying I didn’t like it; I LOVED IT

The initial battle between Arthur and Orm

It is… just, a lot.  Our lovable, stupid hero challenges Orm to a battle to the death, because he is stupid, he is so stupid, he looks like a college freshman challenging the president of the campus’ party frat to a drinking contest (YOU WILL LOSE, YOU OVERCONFIDENT CHILD) and the challenge is called The Ring of Fire.  Johnny Cash is not there.  Lava is.

You know what else is there?  An octopus with a set of timpanis.  He has a mallet in each tentacle and plays the pump-up music for this fight on his enormous soggy timpanis and IT’S ONLY LIKE 2 SECONDS OF THE MOVIE AND WE MOVE PAST IT.  It fits the scene, and I adored it, and who better to play the drums than an octopus?

Dolph Lundgren

Dolph Lundgren is in this film as a watery king.  There’s nothing I can say to enhance this image; whatever you’re picturing is it.

The bar scene

These tough looking biker guys go up to Arthur, ask him if he’s “that fish boy,” he replies “fish man,” they say they have a question, and that question is if they can take a selfie with Aquaman.  The spokesman for the bikers has a pink iPhone case.  This set the tone for the entire movie (that tone is “Arthur Wants to Hit Everything Into Justice/It’s Not That Serious”) and it was great, my theater cracked up.  This alone was worth the price of admission.

Nicole Kidman

She’s a queen of Atlantis.  She gets a long blonde wig.  She eats a goldfish.  She is clearly having a goddamn blast chewing scenery and delivering lines like “where I’m from, the sea carries our tears away.”  Like that is objectively TERRIBLE but she delivers it like she’s in The Hours again and she is just so EARNEST and EMOTIONAL that you are listening to her deliver the lines like they’re the tears in rain monologue.  They’re not.  They’re bad.  But she absolutely owns the part of a stunning sea queen.

Now, onto my favorite section

An excessive level of bananas

Pitbull’s cover of Toto’s “Africa”

We earned this, everyone.  We did.  Our hero and Ariel are riding a plane to land in the Sahara desert to continue the chase for this trident (stay with me) and the plane flies over sand to a cover of Pitbull singing “Africa.”  And technically, Mr. Worldwide is just Mr. WorldRapping the verse while his Mr. WorldWomen sing the chorus and I don’t even know, guys.  I started laughing in the theater and couldn’t stop for about a minute.

Julie Andrews

This is a spoiler, but my girl voices a sea monster.  And this thing is like a kraken plus Surtur from Ragnarok. It eats people.  She’s the voice.  Like if Smaug had a girlfriend.  I absolutely LOST IT when I heard her start talking.  She’s perfect I love her if she needs a kidney she can have both of mine

Aquaman’s attire

(just real quick to the producers) CHANGE NOTHING, I DIDN’T SAY I DIDN’T LIKE IT

He is shirtless when he is saving people, which… fine, you know your audience.  Which is a bunch of desperate, thirsty people.

And then, you go ahead and put this fucker in jeans and a leather belt and leather armbands and a big ol’ necklace that is not affected by drag I guess and like 400 rings to go swim in the goddamn sea like that makes any sense at all and you know what?  Good.  This might have just been how The King of Thirst showed up on set one day and you went NAILED IT and just started shooting and made him walk through mist while a guitar riff plays and he is smirking and wearing what have to be the least comfortable pair of jeans in the entire world and good.  The world is a broken, sad place where logic infrequently reigns, and this costuming choice was chaotic good.

liKE????

HE HAS HIS KEYS OR A WALLET OR THE HEARTS OF US ALL ON A CHAIN, LOOPED TO HIS BELT, THIS HAPPENED, THIS WAS A CHOICE

And I just realized we are all lusting over a character with a chain wallet

supports my theory of “Jason Momoa could wear anything up to and including the line from Derelicte from Zoolander and make it look appealing”

Atlanteans have evolved like a drunk cladogram

Yes, yes, I hear you, people who are like “okay but whales are weird, too! They were on land, and then they went back to the sea, and that doesn’t make sense either!”

But, okay, there are 7 kingdoms, one is Atlantis, two is Atlantis but not Atlantis because we need a princess who isn’t Orm and Arthur’s sister, three is people who are also fish (Orm mocks them by calling them philosophers and poets and…they can hang, probs), four is the Brine who are, I believe, crabs, for all intents and purposes, and five is the Trench, who are the scariest things to ever happen to me don’t TOUCH ME.  Two are dead and gone.  I… how.  How.  How you get crabs, and fish people, and gills, and not gills, and people but our city sunk into the sea and we did okay, and… what.  Vulko signs off on this with “our technology allowed us to survive” WHAT.  That’s like me getting dropped next to Guam and being like “nah I’m fine I’ve got my glasses with me.”  Like the rest of the bananas stuff, I’m psyched they ran with it, because the final battle was Return-of-the-King-FOR-FRODO gorgeous, but it makes less than zero sense.  Just because Willem Dafoe delivers the story and he’s supportive and terrifying doesn’t mean I’ll buy it, movie.

and, my favorite

There are dinosaurs and no one cares????

There’s another kingdom, at the center, you get there by going through the Trench, Atlanna was stuck there, the trident is there, they get out, but THERE ARE DINOSAURS AND EVERYONE IS FINE WITH IT.  Even just the existence of AN ENTIRE OTHER OCEAN AND WORLD AND THE REST OF IT is like “oh look it’s MOM”

Nicole Kidman is very pretty and your mother is very important but THERE ARE DINOSAURS

DI

NO

SAURS

And Scales-R-Us here just swings back with the trident like “not now I got stuff to do” and lets the dinos stay there and… well, okay, yeah, based on a whole bunch of Jurassic Park movies that’s probably the best call but literally no one says ANYTHING about it.  We are too busy strapping plasma guns to sharks and letting Julie Andrews voice a calamari to even focus on the dinosaurs.

to be fair this is the battle

And like the rest of the movie, let me reiterate: it is Ain’t No TrawlaBack Girl b-a-n-a-n-a-s (please appreciate my fishing boat joke) but in no way did I dislike it.  More shark plasma guns.  More swimmy jeans.  More Dolph Lundgren.  This movie was everything I needed to seize some happiness, and I am delighted that it exists.  2019 is the Year of No More Gritty Reboots.  I don’t wanna watch anymore sad stuff, okay? And if you fee me a diet of Willem Dafoe’s topknots, I will give you all of my free time.

I’m a cashier working during the holiday season and I’m here to ruin your life

Hi there.  You don’t know me yet, but you will.  Mostly because I’m about to fuck up your next 6 hours, but also because I am wearing a name tag.

When you first arrived, I hope you enjoyed the labyrinthine hellscape that is the shopping mall parking lot, because I personally designed it.  I paid an old man driving a Mercury to wait for you to arrive, and then to immediately swerve in and take a good parking spot from you.  I also hired a variety of SmartCar drivers and motorcycles to make spaces look empty and raise your hopes until you reach them and attempt to turn in and then swear violently because they are not available spots.  While you are inside the mall, the two cars next to yours will leave, and the two Honda Odyssey owners I hired will park 12 inches from each side of your car.  One of them will have a bumper sticker you vehemently disagree with.
I made the weather bad, too.  I made it 41 degrees and lightly raining, and after that I closed your favorite department store. Your second favorite will be closing in 6 months, and your third favorite is located as far away as possible from where you parked.
Before you even walked in, I had your friends and family do surveillance on what you generally expect to spend on some items at my store.  I requested their detailed reports, and then I went around and marked up the prices on those items by 12-ish percent.  I also discounted the items in colors you hate.  I also made sure anything you would like to purchase 2 (but not 3) of is under a “buy 2 get 1 free” scenario so you feel like you’ve saved money but when you arrive home you realize there was no sale and you are now further encumbered by material goods.
Those same snitching friends and family also found out what temperature you keep the house at, and I set the thermostat 8 degrees colder than that.  Unless you came in carrying your large coat, then I adjust it to 9 degrees warmer.
If you have children, I sewed a piece of mildly irritating fabric into one of their socks, and that’s why they are 1. crying and 2. refusing to walk.  I slipped ’em 5 bucks to complain about being hungry every ten minutes.  And if you have more than one child?  While your back was turned, I gave all of them stickers, but with vast differences in size and quality, and they are about to turn this mall into the goddamn Octagon of Jealousy.
It’s cute that you think your stroller is going to fix this situation.  I slightly adjusted the wheel so it squeaks and I restructured the store layout so you’re forced to do like a 7-point turn to look at some Fortnite bullshit.
My coworkers and I are hoarding the gift boxes for the particular item you are purchasing.  There are at least 500 of them, but we will not be giving you any.  Later, we will make a simulacrum of you, complete with holiday sweater, and will burn you in effigy while singing “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”  I’ll Snapchat you the video.
While you’re visiting us, I intend to fully misunderstand every detailed instruction you give me about what you’re looking for (such as “I’m looking for a gift for my wife” and trailing off into silence, or “SLACKS?! I NEED LADIES’ SLACKS!”).  I have no interest in helping any other customers, or cleaning up fitting rooms, or answering the ringing phone, or sitting down.  My one true purpose today is to spend as much time with you as possible, because I can only feel joy while wasting the time of a stranger while failing to make a sale.
But wait, what’s that you say? Do you also need to make a return? *shivers* Oh, God, please say yes, and please say you don’t have a receipt.  Submitting to an adult tantrum about an item that looks like it was run over by that old dude in a Mercury and then worn through the plot of The Poseidon Adventure that we simply refuse to accept back is like having 40 orgasms at once.  If you do have a receipt, can you just get rid of it?  It’s so much better without one.  I promise to make your time at my register at least 15 minutes longer without a receipt than the 20 minutes it was already going to take just ’cause.  I’ll even throw in a phone call to customer service for you – I paid them off earlier today to say the exact same thing I just told you.
At the moment you are ready to check out, my coordinated strike team will jump into line right in front of you, and all of them want to use multiple forms of payment, and all of them need gift receipts.  Half of them also have coupons that won’t scan.
And speaking of coupons, while you were in the restroom and asked me to watch your kids for a minute because that is a thing I very super want to and am paid to do, I changed the expiration dates on your coupons and none of them are valid.  If I could genuinely change the entire date and time of the world in order to make your coupons expired, I would, but all I can do is change the expiration dates and then refuse to accept them.
We definitely gift wrap here. I definitely know how to gift wrap.  I’m just saying that I don’t know how and that we don’t have gift wrap because I get a little bit high off of your angry face.
Once your visit to my store is complete, I’ll be giving you incorrect directions to your next destination on purpose, and between “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays,” I will use the parting salutation that will anger you most.  Good luck with the Odysseys.

A definitive ranking of Halloween candy

Last year, I unfortunately missed out on being able to sit out front and hand out candy, but I am making sure that I am out front this year, perhaps with Bailey, who will be dressed as The Goodest Girl oh WAIT that’s not a costume that’s who she is.  I didn’t realize how much I’d like it, but there is a really simple joy to seeing a kid and parent just be super psyched that you gave them candy while they put on a fun outfit.  If you’re a robber baron, of course the bowls left out with no one to guard them are prime, but as a kid, I really always liked actually getting a person when I walked up.

So, while we can all agree that dressing up and getting free candy is just A+, there is some disagreement regarding what candy is the best to receive in your bag.  I’m here to lay the debate to rest for good.

IMPORTANT: these are ranked as if a child is receiving them, not me

I’m not gonna get turnt over Fun Dip now, even though that weird as hell candy was A+++ when I was a kid yes please give me powdered sugar on a stick and then let me eat the stick

ALSO IMPORTANT: for simplicity and fairness, I will be rating the “fun sized” version of each of these candies, especially since it was the most likely size you’d end up with

Full-sized candy was for rich kids and mini-sized candy is for white ladies to put on a coffee table during a dinner party  Continue reading “A definitive ranking of Halloween candy”

Meathead Mondays: Jason Statham

everybodaaaaaay

rock yo’ body riiiiight

Backmuscles’ back, ALL RIGHT

No, that doesn’t scan, and frankly I don’t care.  Yes, it has been a while since I’ve typed out an ode to actin and myosin (that is a muscle fiber joke stay with me) but given the recent release of The Meg I figured no better time than now to sing the praises of everyone’s favorite terrifying English dude. I am having difficulty uploading the pictures I chose of his intensely coiled body and face, so this is a text-only post, and if you stop reading now because of it I would not blame you.

That’s right.  This post is about Jason Statham.  You can’t spell “Man” without Jason Statham.  I don’t know what I’m saying.  I just love his bald head and his intense stare and his accent that never changes and his aggressive dedication to playing one character forever because boyyyy howdy will I continue to watch his stuff until the abyss swallows us all.

Continue reading “Meathead Mondays: Jason Statham”

I tried a spa and I think I am not the target audience for spas

Heyyyyy friends.  We recently returned from a very very very delayed (3 years!) and very very very good honeymoon trip to Riviera Maya in Mexico.  We stayed at an all-inclusive resort and it was the best goshdarn thing in the entire world.  The food!  The sunshine!  The pools!  The…roughly 5 total drinks I had because I am a dweeb and do not take advantage of the alcohol part of the inclusivity!  The sunscreen I applied 800 times!  The room with its balcony!  Our concierge! Having a concierge!  Learning roughly ten new Spanish words!  Finishing one of the three books I brought with me!  Waffles!  So many waffles!  There was! A breakfast buffet! I love waffles! There were so many iguanas!  I got several pictures of them!  Here are two! 

We also did two things that required us to participate in the world for more than the time it took to order a burrito to be delivered to the pool!  One was a morning that we went to the beach rather than a pool, and we brought our snorkeling stuff and rented some life vests, and we went in, and GUYS.  GUYYYYS. G G G U U U Y Y Y Y Y Y S.  WE SAW A SEA TURTLE.  It was swimming and eating stuff on the bottom and it came up for air like BLOOP and kinda looked around for a second and then dove back down and ate some more and it was like 2 feet long and it was majestic and I screamed into my snorkel and clawed at Andrew’s arm and oh my GOD, IT WAS A SEA TURTLE.  Andrew asked if I wanted to do additional snorkeling and instead of considering his wishes at all I replied “no, I saw a sea turtle, what else would I need to do.”  TURTLE.  I hadn’t gotten a magnet with a turtle on it earlier because I didn’t want to be a fraud but I then purchased a turtle magnet because TURTLE.

“hey, Christina, isn’t your bachelor’s degree in biology and you know more things about turtles than ‘they eat stuff and bloop'”

Yes

What is your point

bloop

And for the day where we actually left the property, we did an excursion to adventures and ruins.  We did a bunch of zip-lines, and I loved it, but since it was my first zip-lining experience I was Not Pleased when I got spun around because I was sure I was gonna crash into a tree George-of-the-Jungle style.  We also did rappelling and because I am tough as nails I got a blister on my first finger on my right hand and only complained about it like a dozen times.  We also snorkeled in a cenote (freshwater underground cave) and it was amazing and I did not bonk my head on a stalactite.  The ruins part was Tulum, which is the most I’ve ever sweat in my life, and I’m still so glad we went: it was stunning to see.

And, actually, wait: it was not the most I’ve sweat in my entire life.  That honor is taken by my first spa experience several days later.

Our concierge, the biggest baller in the world, gave us a ton of nice things for free because it was our honeymoon and first time at the resort and probably to get us to come back but heck yes, we will take them.  One of them was a pass to use the hydrotherapy at the spa.  Hydrotherapy is apparently exactly what it sounds like: a whole bunch of jets at different stations that shoot water at your muscles and make them feel good.

This was very generous and awesome especially since we did not need to pay (it would’ve been like $70 for us both) but I am perhaps not a being made for a spa.

Everything went pretty well at the beginning: we went in, we wrote our medical stuff down, they gave us each a locker (I assume, I wasn’t with Andrew, maybe they just throw the guys’ stuff on a pile and are like “you ain’t pretty this what you get”), they gave us robes, and then they walked us through the spa like a goddamn Minotaur to the hydrotherapy place. (That was a maze joke I’m sorry I’ll shut up.)

At this point I’m feeling pretty good!  I’m a little freaked out because things are so nice and I am a frizzy mess and I’m not wearing my glasses, so I’m anxious, but everyone is very nice, and the people in the hydrotherapy pool look super relaxed!  We walked over a pool with a bunch of rocks at the bottom, which is apparently for reflexology which makes sense as my reflexes were certainly stimulated and they were saying “girl apparently the North Shore of Long Island is one big reflexology pool” but it did feel good. There’s a set of “rustic showers,” which I think is Mexican Spanish for “don’t actually get naked here you spa-going monsters oh my God this is why we can’t have nice things,” and they told us to use them to get less gross.  I was good up until this point.

We were then brought over to the sauna.

Now, I realize this is a controversial opinion, but fuck a sauna.  Oh, my God, you are willingly dessicating your organs and sweating out rivers and this is supposed to feel good???  Andrew loves them, so I went in with him, and while he was enjoying his cleansing and muscle relaxing or whatever horseshit he feels happens in that dehydrated murderbox (love you babe but I don’t understand), I was lying down with my knees up trying not to have a panic attack.  Y’know, how one does a spa day.  I calmed down enough to not be hyperventilating the set of Mad Max: Fury Road, and then the attendant came in with a cool scented washcloth and told us to put it over our eyes and this was the point I was absolutely convinced I would die.  You want me to step into a tiny wood desert, set a timer, allow me to sweat oceans, get said sweat into my eyeballs so I’m thisclose to whimpering, and then you bring me a smothercloth and expect me to relax? Absolutely not, this washcloth means you are seasoning my body Salt-Bae-style and some animals will enjoy it later as jerky.

And just to give you perspective, they set the sauna timer at 5 minutes. I am just the chillest human whom you never have to reassure her death is not imminent during a relaxation procedure.

They let us out, I probably looked like a potential lawsuit, and into the rustic showers we went, and I could have stayed there and let the rain fall down and wake my dreams and that would have been my hydrotherapy. I assumed we were then gonna go into a pool because I had participated in spa hazing and was now a member of Kappa Alpha Why.

But no.  Not at all.  I had not adequately proven myself to the fraternity of Making Shit Up And Saying It’s Relaxing, because we were then directed to a steam room.  I had thought that the dry heat of the convection oven I’d just spent 5 minutes in was the worst feeling in the world, but I was wrong: the steam room is a large crab boil but for humans and they make it smell nice and they wanted me to be in there breathing air piped in directly from Old fucking Faithful for an additional five minutes.  I have to imagine that during this time the attendants would close the door, walk around the corner, and burst out laughing about the shit they make gringo ladies do while simultaneously collecting bets from billionaires on how long the anxious woman is gonna last in “Escape the Room: Central Florida.”

I walked in with Andrew, took one breath, and said “nope!” out loud.  I attempted two more breaths, Andrew encouraged me to leave, and I left and took another “rustic shower” and contemplated just staying there forever and hoping they’d assume I ran away.

The attendants found me (and Andrew! he only lasted a few minutes) wrapped in a towel and looking ashamed.

They then directed us to two small round pools, and stated that the second one was very warm, and that the first one was very cold, and something about varying your body’s temperature is good for it, and holy angels and saints in heaven absolutely fucking not.  I say this, but I did it, because I cannot stand up for myself when fancy things are happening.  I got into the My Heart Will Go On pool, shrieked a little because it was FIFTY DEGREES, got out, got into the warm one, and contemplated drowning myself in embarrassment.

We then actually did hydrotherapy, which was actually delightful: there were a ton of jets that hit your shoulders and neck and head and that felt really good and you just stand there and let things hit you and no one tells you to get into a tiny Death Valley and I liked it a lot.  I wanted to stay there forever.

We did both eventually get out (after Andrew went into the icebath two more times because I married a person who is not looking out for his own well-being) and the attendants came to retrieve us, and this part was my final personal humiliation.

I couldn’t find my locker, to start: the spa is like the goddamn third Triwizard task and I was scared I was gonna have to fight a beautifully-arranged pile of towels.  Once I got to my locker, I couldn’t find the bathrooms, and I sucked it up and asked, and bless you to the attendant who did not laugh at me and my terror-face.  And because I didn’t trust myself to find my own hydrotherapy-ed ass at this point, I also asked for the location of the showers.

I got my towels ready, I brought my change of clothes in, and I clicked on the light only to discover that this shower had only three walls and the last one was a glass pane through which you view a rock garden with a few willowy plants.

No, no one could see you.  Yes, they had structured them so you couldn’t actually get stuck in the rock garden.  No, you didn’t have to use that section of the shower.  But I am full-on over-on-the-Mayflower, layers-are-bae, so-I-put-on-a-sweater-and-a-pair-of-corduroy-pants-level insecure, and having this goddamn Rear Window situation happening during my shower, my by myself time, my I got into your Easy Bake Oven now let me panic in peace, goddammit setup, and I was NOT HAPPY.

Yes, for normal, non-mentally-ill people this is relaxing!  It was quiet, and pretty, and it smelled nice! But when you have someone like me who would gladly install 18 more locks on her bathroom door and is generally one appearance-based comment away from a meltdown, this was not great, Bob.  But I did it!  I took my shaky Chihuahua shower, and I used the comb that the spa puts in the shower, and I got some nice-smelling lotion on my legs, and I opened my bag and realized I had left the skirt I was going to wear in our hotel room and y’all, perhaps I am not meant to spa.  Don’t try to give me anything nicer than a sheet mask – I am not the target audience and I will mess it up.  You heart is in the right place, but my panic is front and center.

I got back to our room (wearing my swimsuit coverup) and opened a glass bottle of Coca-Cola and actually?  I take that back.  If you wanna give me something nice, give me a very secure room with four thick and opaque walls and a six-pack of glass bottles of Coke.  I will be so flippin’ relaxed.

Crimes committed by me, a wimp, during the Purge

I am, of course, in this scenario, implying that I will not be murdered or robbed or otherwise harmed during the Purge

Untouchable as a moonbeam or Dwayne Johnson’s appeal

Anyway. I would commit these but no worse because, while I adamantly believe that certain aspects of our society are deeply unfair, my sexuality is composed entirely of following rules, so anything more than these minor transgressions would send me into a panic spiral.

Mild crimes I would commit during the Purge

  • Break into the Cincinnati Zoo and meet Fiona, the baby hippo
    • This is of course only if this would not cause Fiona any harm
    • I do not have to pet her, I would be quite happy with waving at her and taking a photograph and perhaps feeding her a vegetable or something
  • Deposit inaccurate checks in order to clear some debt
    • I do not understand how this process works if there is a financial crime
      • Like what if they say “your payment will post within 2 business days”
        • Like
        • That would still be fine, right, because you technically posted it on the day of the Purge
        • Or do you have to post the payment and ensure the deposit would land on the date of the Purge and that way it’s legal?
        • What if you post-dated a check to have the date of the Purge on it would that be okay
          • I am a goshdarn de-LIGHT when I go to movies with people and am not annoying at all what are you implying
  • Just like, clear out a Sephora
    • 3 samples? Not today, homie
      • Just swiping off the entire Drunk Elephant shelf into one of those little black baskets and walking out
        • Yeah I’m taking the basket too
        • We all VIB Rouge
          • VIB Purge
            • That sounded better in my head
  • Borrow a golf cart and ride it
    • I’ve never driven one and I want to
      • “But Christina, why wouldn’t you steal like a Lambo or a McLaren or literally any other thing with an engine”
        • That is too much responsibility for me and I will stick with my cart
          • Beep beep I’m playin’ through
  • Go into a museum and touch some of the things
    • Like I’m not gonna smash the glass on the Dead Sea Scrolls, I’m not a villain
      • But I’m def gonna pet a dinosaur leg bone and I’m gonna touch one of those suits of armor and I will happily pose in a diorama of saber-tooth tigers pretending that I am being hunted by them
        • Also pose with a woolly mammoth
          • No, I’m not going to knock them over, I just want a super fly looking profile pic
  • Get all the dog park regulars together to get some lamps and floodlights and have a dog party at one of the parks that closes at sunset
    • CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP  PUP RAGER
      • We are always kind of sad that we have to go home and the doggies are like “no but…still ground? So still play?” and we have to explain the passage of time to them which is just an enormous downer
      • You may think that no one would clean up after their dog at this pup rager, but you would be wrong
        • Instead of mildly pointing out that your dog has pooped, these owners will escalate immediately into a fistfight
          • Dog park people can be scary and I would go to them if I needed protection
  • Scan and upload as many textbooks as possible 
    • GO KIDS
      • DOWNLOAD
        • I DON’T CARE IF YOUR MAJOR IS STILL “UNDECIDED” DOWNLOAD THE ENTIRE DAMN BOOKSTORE
        • YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT PAYING FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A BOOK THAT HAS A DIFFERENT COVER THAN THE PREVIOUS EDITION AND THAT IS IT
  • Frolic in one of those fountains that says “don’t jump into the fountain”
    • I will leave any change thrown in there, of course
      • That money supports our parks, or something
        • I’m not a monster
  • Costco
    • Everything is a sample during the Purge
      • That OLED TV? I would like to sample it plz
      • Sampling the jewelry too
      • Gonna try a sample of that fancy electric toothbrush by putting it in my cart and walking out
  • Seize the means of production
    • wait what
  • Blast every stadium rock song loudly in defiance of any and all noise restrictions
    • Be your own Jukebox Hero
      • And this isn’t in an attempt to make people like the ridiculous music I like, because that clearly isn’t going to work
      • No, this is for me
        • I am going to ENJOY THESE SONGS at the VOLUME THEY WERE MEANT TO BE ENJOYED AT
          • ALL-CAPS VOLUME
            • AND I WANT
              • AND I NEED
                • IT’S THE PURGE
                  • ANIMAL
  • Take a bite of froyo from my cup before I pay 
    • Like, I’m good for at least ten dollars on this stuff because I have no sense of proportion and I like cookie dough, let me have a goddamn mouthful
    • No, you know what?
      • I will straight-up eat one of those pieces of cookie dough that always adds a cool dollar to my total because they are made of plutonium or something
      • You betta watch me or you gonna miss some serious crimes, yo
  • Make everyone deeply uncomfortable by openly and repeatedly discussing any and all illnesses and past trauma with loved ones, acquaintances, and strangers, thereby utilizing the Purge to its full intended purpose, i.e., a release of pent-up frustration and aggression caused by a sense of futility in the fight against the darkness

Why are you looking at me like that

The Men’s World Cup of Kicky Ball Round of 16: a Goober’s Guide

(This post is a happy post in a time of sadness, yes.  I have about a dozen drafts of angrysad, but I wanted to put up at least something that isn’t awful? Rage against the dying of the light? Anyway.)

AWWWW YEAH, SOCCER.  OR FOOTBALL. OR KICKY BALL.  I’m sticking with kicky ball.  It’s like “shooty hoops” but my friend Steve came up with it and I’m so pleased.  But, anyway, would you like to watch some soccer?  Would you like to be a citizen of the world? Would you like to wake up at 7 AM on weekends?  COME JOIN ME.

This is a great time to jump in – no games today, and the knockout round starts tomorrow!

I’m obviously a bit late for this post, so forgive me for writing this now, but boyyyyy howdy do I love me some World Cup soccer.  So if you have nothing personally invested in the winner but like to watch people with incredible thighs run around and hit things with their heads, here is your introduction.  I am not fact-checking. Deal with it.  (okay I am but most of this is my feelings so FACT CHECK YOUR FACE)

We started out with 32 teams divided into 8 groups of 4, and the top two from each of those groups (stay with me) moves on to the round of 16, which is now.  Therefore, if you want to tune in, now is a good time!  Every game is a knockout game, and NO TIES ARE ALLOWED.  THEY PLAY TO THE DEATH AND/OR THE BEST OF 5 PENALTY KICKS, UNLESS THEY BOTH MAKE THE SAME NUMBER, AND THEN IT’S A LITTLE MORE COMPLICA- you know what? They play to the death.  That’s it.  Till they’re deadsies.  That’s the rule.

LET’S DIVE IN

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