Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Just a collection of my thoughts on the Ironborn, who are the biggest group of absolutely bonkers pirates in this entire series

Ironborn: oh sweet look at this set of islands they can be all ours if we want

Ironborn: wait shit nothing grows here…fuck it let’s pretend it was on purpose

Ironborn: WE DO NOT SOW

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This entire episode was one long terribly written chapter fanfiction mated with a foghorn noise with a dash of misogyny and a whole heap of racism
This stupid stupid stupid show
I was mad from the literal opening credits because they labeled Sunspear “Dorne” which it’s not, Dorne is the country.  This is yes, kind of minor, but considering that Dorne is home to some of the few people of color we’ve seen on this show, it felt preeeeetty gross watching it.  It’s like having a close up map of Nairobi and labeling it “Africa.” Get it the fuck together, show.

More racism at 11 BUT FIRST

The Wall
Carice van Houten must have signed an agreement in Ghiscari which stated “we promise to keep giving you time on the show, but only in incredibly ridiculous and unnecessary scenes with your boobs out” because gurl WHY. The group I was watching with all legit said “OH COME ON” when that happened because why. why. why is this important or something that would work.  Jon is still mourning Ygritte hugely, and Melisandre, you can feel a heartbeart without undressing.  Learn to take a goddamn pulse, girl.  All in the wrists, HEYYYOOO.  And I didn’t even LIKE Ygritte’s catchphrase but can u not forever plz

Literally the only thing I can say I liked in this whole episode was the scene with Stannis and Shireen.  Shireen is still wonderful, and the scene with Stannis made up for his garbage one with Melisandre tenfold.  This is the stuff I want to see.  I also felt like it was consistent with his character to not say something like “of course I love you, you’re my daughter” but instead to say something like “I was not going to let you die because you are my heir” which is a very Stannis-y thing to say.  Idk guys, I’m trying to find light in the darkness and right now it’s basically only Shireen.  Additionally, I have started to see everything in this show in terms of Arrested Westeros, which is not a bad thing, so of course I immediately thought “Why are you squeezing me with your body” and so did my beloved Scuzzo, who texted me this quote at the same time.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
This is garbage.  This could have been the coolest thing this season because they cut the Greyjoys but no, we have decided to turn this into a Puritan witchhunt with shitty head tattoos and dramatic Westerosi opera music because fuck subtlety??? No no it’s cool everyone knows Loras is gay???  Also King Tommen “Michael Cera” Baratheon, the First of His George Michael Bluth-y Name, King of the Andals and the Banana Stand is trying to talk and it’s adorable but killing me.  I am however slightly enjoying this “I just learned about sex and it is now my sole motivation” because as far as teenage boy accuracy goes, yeah, spot on.
This plot line is not totally off in the show, but whereas the plotline in the book is a subtle embroidery of good politicking, bad politicking, betrayal, surprises, and religion, the show version is Mahler 6’s hammer with a Wagner doing the soundtrack.  UGGGGGHHHH

Don’t you touch Sansa
Clumsy poorly-lit plot exposition oh heyyyyy.  Not even gonna touch the “Stannis will save you don’t you worry your pretty little head about The Worst Person in the World you’re about to marry okay byyyyyye” thing that he does because ughhhhh.
Guys, if you’re watching the show, and haven’t read the books, genuine question: do you know or care who Lyanna Stark was?  I’d discuss this more but I don’t want to get spoiler-y (even if it is just theories at this point).  I personally am fascinated by this back story, but it is, frankly, not hugely important yet to the plot.  It could be, for a whole bunch of reasons, but not yet.  But anyway, what’s the general opinion for non-book people?  I’m annoyed at the way they handled this because OF COURSE I AM I’M ALWAYS MAD because guys, like, on the list of ways I’d like information delivered to me, “in a crypt by Littlefinger who then touches Sansa” is at the bottom, after “by a bullhorn directly in my ear” and “by Daario” FUCK DAARIO MAN

The second worst thing on this show after Daario
Jaime and Bronn screw this entire goddamn plotline forever and this stupid show too.  I hate everything.  You KNOW a twist is bad when Bronn, fucking BRONN, has to be like “hey, uh, you can’t really fight and you’re like mega-recognizable what is the point of this diversion from canon.”  The writers decided Jaime just repeatedly saying “it had to be me” was satisfactory.  You can’t just throw words at an enormous, gaping plothole and throw in some garbage about hunting your brother and the plot hole is now *~*magically*~* filled.  And calm the fuck down, When Harry Met Sally, it did not have to be you.  It could have been literally anybody else and this would have made more sense.  Garbage.  Literal garbage.  That snake getting cooked was the best part of this entire sequence, and immediately after that was Bronn’s decent “why the fucking fuck are you here.”  I didn’t hate Bronn for like one hot second, and then he got the line “all the Dornish like to do is fuck and fight, fight and fuck.”  THIS MAKES THEM DIFFERENT FROM YOU HOOOOOW, SIR.  YOU ARE THE SAME.  TEN YEARS AGO, YOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH JAIME’S GOLD HAND AND HONESTLY PROBABLY HAVE BY NOW ANYWAY JUST FOR KICKS.  STOP BEING RACIST AND WASH YOUR HAIR.

Racism but this time with women!
Additionally, we get our first look at the Sand Snakes, who inexplicably all look the same despite their mothers being completely different human beings plus Nym goes up to Ellaria who is, at best, a decade older than her like “MUM”
CAN WE NOT.  Guys, the oldest Sand Snakes are not related to Ellaria, they are not her daughters.  They are also not effectively gross racist clones of each other because every brown person gets styled the same????  After seeing the curved swords they gave to the Dornish men who got killed by Jaime and Bronn because ooohhhh dark people can’t have straight swords, I am not even a little bit excited to see the portrayal of the Sand Snakes.  If you can’t make actually different characters into actually different characters I am not even a little bit interested.  Plus, you cut Arianne, and it’s looking more and more like you did so because you don’t think we’re smart enough to keep all these women straight.  Ladies be shoppin’ or something????  Also Obara’s story about choosing the spear is pretty freaking cool but ONLY IF WE’RE INTRODUCED TO HER AS A PERSON FIRST.  The script for this scene read like a bad romance novel where the dude is *!*~* super dreeeeammy*!*~* but inexplicably decides to tell you his entire life back story when you meet.  The other characters in the scene know this about her already, and the viewers don’t care.  We’ve gone from Michelle Fairley’s absolutely heartbreaking Season 3 Episode 9 script to this garbage.  I’ve read better fanfiction, and I’m UN-NOYED.

If you were wondering if I could get angrier JUST YOU WAIT

HAAAAAATEEEEEE
The last scene of this show made the least sense and I know it’s just a show, I know, but HBO is touching things I love and ruining them and making money off of a lack of character consistency and killing off characters with important plot roles because they are not mainstream sexy?? or something?? and because we like to see things die for no reason???
Barristan Selmy, while a grandpa, is in fact undefeated in battle.
The Unsullied are raised from birth to no longer feel pain and be utterly superior to everyone else at battle.
The Sons of the Harpy are either 1. rich kids dressed in the Meereenese equivalent of Sperrys and polo shirts or 2. sellswords working for the rich kids and are assassins.  Like, secret.  In secret.  Not daylight.  In darkness.
If this show, if this fucking show, killed off Barristan (and it’s looking like they really might have) to make narrative room for Daario I WILL BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND.  EVERYTHING.  DO YOU HEAR ME, HBO???  DO YOU HEAR ME.  EVERYTHING.  DOWN TO THE REN FAIRE WHERE YOU WROTE DAARIO’S CHARACTER AND FOUND HIS STYLIST.

Guyssssss I’m struggling to write these because things are getting less funny and more horribly wrong
Halp

Arya and The House of Black and White
Okay, so I do not HATE what they’re doing with Arya.  Many of the scenes they’re showing are not from the books, but they are really pretty cool.  I’ll even ignore the fact that the entire lighting department took a week off when they were shooting her scenes and they had to emergency-hire some fireflies (seriously, The Faceless Men? more like The Squinting Men amirite), but unf, I like it.  The Waif is creepy as heck, and Jaqennnn I do not care even a little bit that you’re decidedly not supposed to be here, Valar Morhaeris (All Men Must Have Your Excellent Hair).  Maisie absolutely killed it in her scene with Needle: I didn’t cry because I did all my Needle crying in the books, but UNF.  The book line lists a whole bunch of things that Needle represents to Arya, up to and including Jon Snow’s smile so no really it’s okay I’ll just go over here and soak in my own tears.  Anyway.  Freakin’ show, man, but at least they’re getting this right.

Speaking of things they’re getting right

The Wall
JON MOTHEREFFING SNOW.  Hair so thick everybody in the room uncomfortable.  In the books, Janos Slynt is much more difficult for much longer, and it makes complete sense as to why Jon would have to execute him.  However, the  actual scene was pretty great, up to and including Slynt’s begging for mercy and the moment of tension.  I knew what was going to happen, and I was still like “oh wait maybe he won’t” which is just good television, y’all.  However

Speaking of things they’re getting wrong? Stannis.  Bleh.  Stannis mocking someone for being too honorable is like a pot with a stick up its ass calling the kettle uptight. We apparently do not care about character consistency here, and Davos’ presence is kind of screwing that up for me as well.  While I appreciated his pep talk, I miss his chapters from ADWD, since they were pretty freaking cool, and him being at the Wall is messing with my perception of Stannis, so I feel you, boo, but go find some Manderlys (they didn’t cast them I get it I get it I just want it the way I want it okay)

King’s Landing
I’d like to think I’m a mature human being.  I’d like to think I’m even more than that: so highbrow my eyes disappear into my hairline and I float above the masses like mist.  I’d like to think I’m an adult.  But hand to God when Tommen Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men said “it was over so quickly!” to Margaery on their wedding night I may have died laughing because I DARE you to write any other line for teenage boy (heck, any person ever) having sex with Natalie Dormer for the first time.  And honestly?  It was a very sweet scene.  I think it did an excellent job of showing how Tommen is genuinely a good kid, even if he is a bit stupid.  It is messing with the plot a bit to have him older (he’s 8 in the novels and certainly not about to produce any heirs), mostly because if he’s old enough to have sex, he’s old enough to show up for goddamn Small Council meetings.  Plus if Ser Pounce isn’t around you don’t even have a good excuse to not be there.  “I was hanging with my super cool cat” doesn’t fly anymore.  THE POUNCE WAS GIVETH, AND THE POUNCE WAS TAKETH AWAY.

Yayyyy, unnecessary nudity wooo but the “it’s always the Maiden” was a good line (the women are dressed up like the Seven, and instead of picking, say, the Crone, Mr. Septon here is going for the obvious choice like the naked old punk he is).
If you’re sitting there like “whyyyy does the High Sparrow look so familiar?” it is because he was Governor Swann in Pirates of the Caribbean and stop pretending you were too cool to like those movies we all liked those movies plus dude had a sick wig.

This has the potential to be ridiculously amazing, since we’ve got a pretty cool dude as High Sparrow, and the show does seem dedicated to having this plot actually happen, but I am nervous, guys.  More nervous because Qyburn exists.  I knew that stupid thing was gonna jump and I STILL JUMPED. I am ashamed. I am just a little bit mad because we have decided to reduce the fighting to Real Housewives of King’s Landing level (like who were Margaery’s little groupies Do Not Understand) and turn this into a “women be backstabbin'” joke.  Margaery’s comment of “what is your new title?” is even dumb, because yo you already got married to her other kid and her husband is dead so like…you’re queen NOW after you and Tommen had the quickest sex ever known to man?  Nope.  Cersei was Dowager Queen at least an entire season ago?  Idk.  Also “hahaha Cersei has a drinking problem” is a straight up reality show line and I thought someone was gonna flip a table and I’m not here for that, guys.

Tyrion
Driving me up a wall.  The character and how he’s being written and the implication that I still care about his moral center.  Just So Done.  Him flicking open the window again and again is like the medieval equivalent of some douchebag white kid whose dad is a billionaire complaining that the champagne served to him on his flight to Marseilles wasn’t Dom, and they wouldn’t let him open the windows on the plane not even for a second.  Shut the fuck up, Declan. No one cares about you and your first world traveling problems.   Tyrion is pulling the time-honored tradition of “I am rich so the rules don’t apply to me” by murdering two people, getting away with it, and then instead of being grateful that he’s alive, complaining about his accommodations.  I don’t even like Varys very much, and I still would 100% support him in his choice to totally just stab Tyrion.  My favorite part was Tyrion going “I’m one drunk dwarf halfway across the world, what could happen?” Oh, I don’t know, Brightest Witch of Her Age, maybe you get killed because they’re killing every dwarf, or WAIT someone recognizes you and idk maybe kidnaps you or something uggghhh you’re SO DUMB and I just want to tell you that some people have war in their countries. (someone please get this ANTM reference please please please)

The most ridiculous was our “oh no I am A Good Person I can’t get it up for this prostitute” moment.  YOU KILLED YOUR LAST WHORE.  YOU KILLED HER. I do not care/it is irrelevant for your level of goodness that oh no you couldn’t POSSIBLY pay this girl for sex because ****feeeeelings***.  Screw this show.  I am also absolutely convinced that one of his chapters in book 5 discusses the sex he’s had since Shae but can someone confirm?  I spent like 40 minutes trying to find it and gave up because reading Tyrion’s chapters is making my head hurt.

Sansa and Brienne and the Boltons

Brienne’s monologue was actually pretty great, the whole “he kept me from being a joke” MY HEARTTTT.  Also precious Podrick is too good for this world and while I’m not so psyched with the weird plot changes, you know what?  Go ahead and rescue Sansa because OH MY GOD NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Put that thing back where it came from, or SO HELP ME

I called it I called it I called it I hate everything.  This entire plotline makes NO SENSE.  Why do this?  Why give her to Ramsay?  And I’m asking this both plot-wise and “you have a goddamn responsibility to not be repulsive, yes, you, yes, even when you’re making a TV show”-wise.  Benioff and Weiss have said that this plot gives Sansa “something meaty to work with” because Sophie is such an amazing actress, and while she’s a great actress, I am so. fucking. done. with “meaty parts” for great female actresses to be beginning and end list “at risk of or actually going to be raped.”  STOP IT.  YOU’RE AWFUL.  You’re basically implying that rape makes female characters more interesting.

Also, plot-wise, this is equally horrific.  Baelish saying to Ramsay that he’s a mystery and he hasn’t heard much about him is like…what.  You know everything about everyone and he’s literally the worst person in this whole book series not a joke and you’re GIVING HIM SANSA.  You KNOW, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE.  Roose then calls Baelish important or something which like, no, the whole point of him having to be tricksy is because he’s from a nothing house, and to be like “you have the Vale” NO HE DOESN’T.  Even for people who haven’t read the books: are you surprised when I say that in the actual books, the Arryn bannermen are mostly pretty pissed off that Petyr Baelish is in charge?  Oh, you’re NOT?  Oh hey look at that marrying a lady and then her mysteriously dying a couple days later does not make you trustworthy.  None of this makes any sense, and the writers are doing it so we can force a “meaty” plot point of Sansa getting horribly mistreated.  I hate this. I HATE this.  My reaction to like 8 whole minutes of this episode could be summed up by a gif of Sophie Turner’s “nope” head shake when Littlefinger tells her she’s going to marry Ramsay.

UGHHHH GUYS THIS SHOW IS MAKING ME SO MAD AND I ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT…WELL, EVERYTHING

Better but still bleh

In case you’re just starting out with us here at All My Feelings, All The Time, I love Sansa and hate Daario.

Cersei
In Case You Missed It, Kevan Lannister, Tywin’s younger brother, popped up for a quick scene to get mad at Cersei for telling the entire Small Council that sorry, Tommen can’t come hang right now, he’s playing XBox or whatever she actually said.  No one I was watching with knew who Kevan was, and I reeeeeally think the show needed to be like “this is who this person is” because guys, come on, he hasn’t been on the show in years.  Idk what’s happening here yet, y’all, but Sunday’s ep is the High Sparrow so let’s do this.

Brienne and Sansa
They don’t hang out in the books, y’all.  And Petyr is gross and this scene was gross and bleh.

Not a fan of Sansa’s “I saw you at the wedding” line because like…what.  Brienne’s line “neither of us wanted to be there” line is totally accurate but Sansa KNOWS this and like, what is the point.  If they were trying to make it clear that she’s being sneaky and is actually not hating on Brienne, they did a crappy job. Kinda wish Brienne had just been like “I’m sorry, my lady, but I wasn’t at Joffrey’s wedding in the books, so idk take it up with Benioff and Weiss.  Can we just go now?  This scene is dumb.”  Just break the fourth wall that way.  Then Gwendoline and Sophie can skip away happily together while flipping off the camera.

Also digs in that Lady Stoneheart is nowhere so yayyyy ugh screw this season guys I am Grumpy McGrumperson I’m sorry

Dorne
What do you call Emilio Estevez when he watches the first scene in Dorne? Emilio Unimpresstevez. (h/t Scuzzo)
I hated this so. much.  SO much, guys.  This entire scene basically felt like a bad Spanish soap opera up to and including the music.  You have Alexander Siddig as Doran, with SO MUCH potential here, and we did nothing with the entire scene, which was the FIRST TIME they’re showing Dorne.  They are also ruining Ellaria’s character because they refused to cast Arianne.

The refusal to cast Arianne Martell was one of the main reasons I was already disappointed in this season before it began.  Arianne is Doran’s daughter, who is strongly opinionated, ruthless, charismatic, and the goddamn HEIR to Doran.  Dorne is so important because they practice primogeniture: the firstborn, male or female, inherits.  She is a POV character later on, and her specific planning is crazy important for all of Westeros, and they just CUT her out.  They are most likely going to give some of her plot to Ellaria, which makes no sense, as they are entirely different women (sidebar: Ellaria would NEVER hurt a child, ever, so her claim to want to cut Myrcella up makes no sense).  They are going to give some of her plot to the Sand Snakes, who are Oberyn’s daughters, several of them by Ellaria (which is why her saying “the Sand Snakes are with me” makes zero sense because you don’t say that, some of them are your daughters who are still babies and just wut).  And they are going to cut some of her plot out, because of this next section, and I’m pissed.

Jaime goes to Dorne
Just for the record, Jaime does not go to Dorne in the books.  He is pretty much sent to the North to clean up the whole “shit, Robb Stark is dead, what do we do now” mess.  Edmure Tully is still very alive, as is the Blackfish, who is still holding out under a siege.  I really enjoy Jaime’s chapters when he’s doing this, because we get to see him politicking for pretty much the first time: he’s still trying to learn how to fight with only one arm, so this is basically all he can do.  It’s also an important part of his redemption arc, since it demonstrates that he can still be pretty ruthless: he threatens to throw Edmure’s soon to be born child over a castle’s wall if he doesn’t comply.

What the fuck was this Bronn scene, for reals.  Is this amateur hour?  Just to recap: Bronn was given his betrothed, Lollys, by Cersei in exchange for not engaging in the trial by combat on Tyrion’s behalf.  In the books, Lollys is pregnant from rape, and is developmentally disabled.  While those things are not true in the show, she is still GIVEN to Bronn.  When Bronn comes to tell Tyrion “moats before mates” and peaces out never to be heard from again, he tells the reader that while Lollys is not the heir, the heir is her older, barren sister, and she’s going to have some kind of accident at some point.  Bronn’s going to kill her and become Lord Stokeworth and continue to have children with his nonconsenting wife.  Bronn is GARBAGE.

Oh, but Bronn in the show is so ****sassyyyy**** I literally do not give a shit about Jaime and Bronn’s excellent adventures.  He is Daario 2.0, a more weathered but equally treacherous above average warrior, who has risen to importance only because important characters and the fandom can’t get enough of Liam Neeson/Captain Jack Sparrow-esque quips coming out of men’s mouths.

Also, how is this going to work, exactly?  Oh noes, we can’t send an army to Dorne, that would be a declaration of WAR.  Our next best option is clearly three hands on two dudes who encompass the spectrum of Westeros’ best and worst-dressed.  (*grudgingly admits that Nikolaj looks freaking great in his stupid outfit*)

I am Not Here For an obnoxious Medieval Fun Time Land version of Two and a Half Men.

However, I am decidedly Here For –

The Wall
Shireen teaching Gilly to read? Yes yes and more yes.  I absolutely adore Shireen, and the actress playing her is doing an excellent job of being a cute as heck kid who is not annoying.  Gilly is a self-deprecating delight, and Shireen’s encouraging joke about “I taught stupid old men how to read you got this don’t even worry” was A++++.  Also I know Selyse is supposed to be kinda creepy but she literally just reminds me of the mom from Hairspray basically not allowing her daughter to play with other kids because of the devil or something.

Jon’s Lord Commander election was not terrible, but I didn’t love it.  In the books, Sam does a huge amount of pretty great negotiating to get Jon elected, and while they do chant his name, it’s definitely more evident that the rest of the Night’s Watch isn’t just like “ho hum we lost guess we should go back to whacking each other with sticks or…what is it we do again? OH YEAH WATCH ON THE WALL”, they’re more like “I am Not Pleased Mr. Kit, I don’t care HOW good your smoulder is, you are an infant and a wildling and you’ve had sex and your dad was a lord so we are PISSED OFF.”  It wasn’t awful, it just wasn’t as subtle as the book was, and I missed that and am therefore a little sad.

Jon’s face when Sam stands up was the funniest moment of the episode, just his beautiful little pout suddenly turning into “FFS SAM CAN U NOT” and I loved it.

They are screwing up Stannis pretty badly and not using him to his full potential and bleh.  We’ll see, but I do not have high hopes, and I really like Stannis, y’all.

Arya
Actually great.  Really liked this scene.  Really honestly did.  Maisie is playing the stone-cold badass especially well considering she has a face like actual sunshine, and I’m legitimately scared of her, which is like being scared of a French bulldog puppy but she MAKES IT WORK.  Her “prayer” (the recitation of names of people she wants to kill) overnight in the rain was a particularly good scene, and I don’t really have anything to criticize here.

Many bookreaders are pissed that Jaqen is back, specifically that Tom Wlaschiha, the actor, is back, and they do have a point: there is really no reason the House of Black and White would reuse a face to teach her.  She refers to this man as The Kindly Man in the books, and he doesn’t look like Jaqen.  But you know what? Tom is really pretty and it’s nice to see a familiar face and screw it, I’m on board.  We need more beautiful things in this series and A Man can get it, so A Man can totally stay.

Daenerys
So once again Daario proves that he sucks enormously.  Specifically, by giving some ridiculous speech about how “if you’ve forgotten how to fear, you’ve forgotten that bravery isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the decision that something is more important than fear” oh no wait that’s Mia Thermopolis’ dad in a birthday card in The Princess Diaries.  My B.  Maybe this week Grey Worm will give him a wedgie.

This week’s best thing I saw on Twitter was about her plotline.  Someone tweeted “this scene is the best example of ‘hoe don’t do it’ I’ve ever seen in my life” and I couldn’t stop laughing.  I tweeted “oh hey look white saviors don’t always work out so great do they” and I stand by this completely.  Dany standing there simply saying “slavery is wrong” louder and louder does not actually fix any problems.  This scene grossed me out a little bit because you have the large group of brown people calling her “Mother” and then hissing(?) when she carries out the sentence and it just reminded me a lot of the racist grossness of the Dothraki portrayal in the first season and book.  I also am not sure if I just missed it or if it genuinely didn’t happen, but “this man shall have a trial” got thrown out the window for Moqorro, I guess? Like, girl, the point of laws is that they apply to everyone.  Idk, guys.  I get that this is a tough plotline but can we be a liiiiittle less racist please and thanks.

Do you guys think Rhaegal and Viserion are just working their hardest to perfect “Roman’s Revenge” while trapped in there because they literally are dungeon dragons right now?  Sorry not sorry.  Also pretty sure they just reused some Smaug animation for Drogon and he’s been off burning Lake-town and just came back to say hi.  Drogon’s voice will be provided by Benedict Cumberbatch, who also did motion capture. (Drogon does not talk…FOR NOW)

Hey you guyyyyyyys

So on a scale of “the first season of Game of Thrones” to “the fifth season of Game of Thrones” how loyal is your adaptation to the source material OOOOH BURN

I’M TOO HOT
HOT DAMN
MAKE A DROGON WANNA RETIRE MAN

I hope you missed me being angry because I’m angry already WOOOOO.  I am overall disappointed with this first episode, both because I thought it was a pretty weak episode overall and because it does not bode well for the rest of the season.  In case you were wondering I still hate Daario, and Sansa is still my queen.

I also have this new theory that Foreigner’s “Head Games” is running through Petyr Baelish’s head at all times.  My favorite thing I saw on Twitter this week was someone who has a Littlefinger crush writing “puttin’ the bae in Baelish” and he’s foul but I’m not mad even a little because that’s great.

Also LOLOL Charles Dance getting like third-top billing when all he did was BE DEAD and still out acting errybody else in the sept ughhh I’ma miss you, Dancer.  So much.  Maybe with the Cersei flashbacks we’ll get more Dasher Dancer and I’ll be happy?

Cersei/King’s Landing

So it took me a second to figure out that the first scene was Baby Cersei mostly because Maggy the Frog (the witch lady who tells Cersei her future) is supposed to be like a thousand years old, and not supposed to be The Hottest Thing in Hermit Chic and What Contouring Can Do For Your Unwashed Face, but I figured it out, and other than that weird aspect I really did like the scene.  The transition to Tywin’s funeral worked really well, and while I would have liked a little bit more emotion out of Cersei and Jaime’s scene in the sept, these few minutes at the beginning were some of the strongest. Considering their last interaction around a dead family member, maybe they’re scaling it back.

Also Cersei lookin’ better at a funeral than I look on my best days tbh God her dress is everything.

I did not believe that Lancel Lannister was played by the same actor, like legit did not buy it, but he apparently is and they burned his wig so praise the Seven for that.  I think I understand what they are doing with his character (I believe he is going to be a stand-in for several characters), and while the way they’re going about it is a bit heavy-handed and sudden, Cersei’s plotline has the potential to be amazing this season and I would kindly appreciate not screwing it up please and thank you.  Her Eye is on the High Sparrow.

Tommen and Loras should run away together because they are a match made in doofus heaven.  They can bring Ser Pounce WHERE IS SER POUNCE.

While I do appreciate that the amount of dude butt in this opener was greater than the amount of lady butt, I am Not Here For the new Loras dude.  I do not care about Olyvar, which I’m assuming is spelled that way because the only thing that likes unnecessary y’s in things more than GRRM is white suburban mothers naming their children (hat tip to Cody).  One of the things that actually endeared me to Loras in the series is how much he loved Renly, and how much he really had to hide that fact.  The dude is a freaking MESS after Renly’s death, and I actually appreciated Martin’s writing a lot for both Loras and Brienne in their reactions.  Both people were in love with a very charismatic man, and for very different reasons, and that love manifested itself differently, and then he was murdered, and both of them really cannot talk to anyone about it, but only Brienne is a POV character.  Therefore, this “back off, Margaery/Mom, I’ll screw who I want in this one man gay pride parade” is a pretty big mischaracterization, and I’m a little grossed out by their insistence on showing just how much sex one of the few living gay characters has.

Also, speaking of heavy-handed in King’s Landing, “your birthmark looks like Dorne” ARE WE JOKING.  IS THIS A JOKE. The entire scene and set of dialogue highlighted three things: Loras needs to stop skipping leg day 2. Jon is sending him hair care products from the Wall 3. HBO has noooo idea how to suddenly drop what is essentially a new country full of brown people into the show other than naked dudes playing mole geography.  To be fair, Martin’s introduction of Dorne was not the smoothest, either, but it did at least feel like he did it on purpose, rather than “shit shit shit we forgot to have our characters talk about an entire kingdom of the Seven Kingdoms shit shit WAIT, I GOT IT, BUTTS.  EVERYONE LOVES BUTTS.”

Tina Belcher at the helm of Game of Thrones, everyone

Brienne
Was…she…drunk? Like… does not compute.  Also don’t yell at Podrick my beautiful little prince do not hurt him he’s very sensitive
Did not understand even a little bit of a point for this scene.
I’M NOT A KNIGHT
yeah that’s nice we know why are you yelling
Although may I point out that my lady of Tarth is not even a little bit injured after fighting The Hound, and I’m choosing to believe that was not an oversight or continuity error, it’s because she’s an actual goddess of strength.Okay fine it’s totally because they forgot but WHATEVER LET ME DREAM

Sansa
Baelish if you fucking touch Sansa I stg I will TURN THIS CAR AROUND

Head gaaaaames
Instead of making love
Head gaaaaames

See, you were skeptical about the Foreigner/Littlefinger crossover, but now you’re on board, aren’t you?  Because get it, he likes to screw WITH people but never actually gets to screw people
For reals, this was something that I was incredibly skeptical of in the books: like does anyone actually buy that someone had enough sex with Petyr Baelish to make Sansa/Alayne Stone?  She’s gorgeous and you’re a potato covered in dirt with a moustache.

And may I just say something in defense of Robin Arryn?  Like I get he’s a spoiled little monster but he is disabled, and letting the show watchers basically laugh at him because he can’t swing a sword very well is just super gross.  I’m not saying he’s a good person, but he is a

Tyrion

Okay exactly HOW long were you in that crate for, Peter Dinklage, because that is a sweet but unrealistic beard

Also Illyrio “We Were Too Lazy to Even Try to Recast Him” Mopatis is like, surprisingly chill about bringing kinslayers into his house when he’s not even there.  Guys, my parents/weird benefactors are away for the weekend WINE PARTY AT MY PLACE WHAZZZZUUUUP

Guys, I hated Tyrion’s scenes here.  I just… ugh.  I had a hard time reading his chapters in book 5, even though I was fascinated, because he is garbage at this point.  Shooting your dad in the bathroom is not so good, but strangling Shae makes him nearly nonredeemable to me.  Tossing in a little “yeah, they get mad when you kill your Lord Father but not when you kill whores lolol” is gross and unacceptable, because he’s completely right, and it’s not funny.  Tywin gets his huge funeral and anime eyes and Shae will never be heard about.

Varys is also starting to bug me.  First of all, the way he talks is 10% The Birdcage and 90% Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  Second…of…all, he’s now doing things because Jaime Lannister asked him to do them?  Huh?  Bro, you don’t do anything that doesn’t benefit you in some way, so stop playing that “it’s for the good of the kiiiingdom” crap.  You also don’t just do what Jaime Lannister says.  The guy has one hand and a lot of feelings, and if you can’t fight off Buster Bluth Does the Hallmark Channel what good even are you, Varys? Plus you have your trump card which is “would you like to hear the story of how I was cut?” because every time you tell it everyone immediately falls asleep.

Just….ugh.  Peter Beardlage you are a delight as always but I’m just kinda done with you and fans defending your actions and bleh.  Do better, show.

Daenerys
Okay so I feel like there were safer ways to remove that from the top of the pyramid but idk I’m not a staute-taker-downer

This storyline gave us our first glimpse of unnecessary nudity, and I’m really frustrated with it because I think it distracted from what could have been a really, really excellent scene.  Give our poor Unsullied another few minutes with this woman and a bit more backstory of the Sons of the Harpy and it could have been really great: the show has an opportunity that the books actually don’t have to show the stories of the small players (or even the non-players, as much as there is such a thing in this world), and they wasted it on nameless naked women.

Speaking of small players GREY WORM AND MISSANDEI FOREVER.  This is literally the third couple I’ve given any kind of damn about in this whole show (Catelyn and Ned; Oberyn and Ellaria), and I care more about them than I do about…most things, probably.

Missandei, can you please talk to your girl Daenerys about the appropriate time to flirt with your slampiece and how it’s not when negotiating for the lives of your people please and thank you? Oooohhh he has a curved SWORD how SEXY I’m sorry what were you saying about people fighting to the death for money and entertainment I SAID NO but wait MAYBE NOT because Daario liked it

Game of Thrones, try your absolute hardest to make me give a shit about Daario.  Really, go ahead.  Give his ass a ten-second wide-angle shot and make him smoulder for another twenty seconds and then let him perform the goddamn marriage of Grey Worm and Missandei and I will still not give a shit about him.  Yes, Dany in the books has a relationship with him, but she does not drop everything she’s ever learned to start taking advice from Assistant to Rohirrim Extra #3 because he has a nice ass and decent hair.  She does not go “hm Jorah also wanted to bang me, and everything worked out well there, so I should for sure listen to Guy Who is the Red and Yellow Knight at Medieval Times on Tuesdays/Thursdays and Might Get to Move Up to Saturdays, Soon, They Really Seem to Like the Work I’m Doing.”  The whole point of her mess of a storyline is that this is hard, this involves difficult decisions, and people’s lives are at stake.  Take all the seats, Daario, I do not and will not care.

“oh noes I can’t control my dragons”
“so my best bet for personal safety while visiting them would be…hm this is a tough one”
“ah, I’ve got it, going down in complete darkness and calling their names but not speaking Valyrian”
“yessss safety is our Number One Priority here at I Get My Advice From Mediocre At Best Sellswords”
“oh shit they’re huge this was a mistake”

The Wall
I think I’m just going to preemptively give Kit “For Excellence in Hair” award for Season 5 because it’s still beautiful and I missed it so much.  And can we talk about how Melisandre has time for one question in that elevator of death (deathavator?) and it’s “are you a virgin?”  Why would it not be “what is your haircare routine because DAMN, SON.”

And okay, this is not just his hair, but I have a pretty strong Kit Harington crush and I’ll say it and judge me all you want but he’s doing really good work here.  Like a scene where you can hold your own against Ciaran “My Face Is Carved From the Finest Granite and My Will is As Like Steel” Hinds in a scene where he’s debating his own death and then dying that death like…get it, boy.  I’m impressed.

I’m rather nervous about how Jon and Stannis’ deal is going to play out this season, because they seem to be skipping some things and changing others, but “The Night’s Watch takes no part” seemed to be a good sign.  Jon Snow’s plot post-Ygritte is some of my favorite writing of the series, and I just…please don’t take this from me, show.  I have a lot of feelings.

SPOILERY SPOILERS STOP READINGGGGGG  IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOOOOOKS

We’re all on board that Tormund = Rattleshirt and Mance isn’t dead, right?  Or at least, I thought?  But I read a thing that said they recast the Lord of Bones so idk what’s going on here guys gah

How are they going to play Tyrion’s story without Young Griff and Jon Connington and gah.

What are we going to do with Brienne’s storyline without Lady Stoneheart likeeee

So here’s the most horrific theory I’ve heard so far: Sansa is going to get Jeyne Poole’s storyline, meaning the show is going to feed her to Ramsay and I’m going to burn everything to the ground.  I hate this so much I can’t even articulate it properly, and I think I’m this mad because shitttttt it could definitely happen.

AKA “lol what source material” and also “HBO stop touching things I love”

Because I need it, this was what made me laugh the hardest after the episode.
Andrew: “Wait, so where’s Dorne?”
Me: “It’s where Oberyn was from.  He’s got a lot of bastard daughters.  And he’s got a brother, the guy actually in charge, and there’s a lot of plot that takes place there-”
Andrew: “WAIT CAN HE PLAY THE BROTHER TOO?!”
Me: “I wish.”
Pedro we miss youuuuuuu

Although there were some good moments in tonight’s episode, I’m overall just really pissed.  I am committed to a no-book-spoilers post, but I do have my LSH thoughts at the very end, so if you’ve read the books, go ahead; if you haven’t, just stop where I say stop.

There’s a ton of nerdrage in this post, and also a ton of just general rage.  I’m…tired, guys.  This show has turned into a microcosm of a lot of the stuff that gets me mad in the real world, but the series was supposed to be a bit of a safe place for me, as silly as that sounds about a series that’s notorious for killing people off.  But it was familiar, and I could discuss things with people like “who would you like to sit the Iron Throne?” and “who would you love to see as a POV character who isn’t one?” but now I’m sitting on Twitter watching people type things like “kaleesi’s got a set of balls on her” and “Shae got what she deserved, that bitch” and I’m just so, so tired.  Obviously I’m not implying that you’re trash if you just watch the show (the show’s not going to make you a misogynist if you’re not one), but it hands up these stereotypes and ruins complicated characters and just generally talks down to the viewers and makes it easy for people who are misogynists to jump into the show.  The books don’t.  This is not a “books>show” argument, because they are different forms of media and you are not smarter or better because you read instead of watching TV.  This is a “these books>>>>this show” argument.  Maybe after I take the bar I’ll be up for arguing this more, but I legit might cry if I have to do it now, so just hold off, please. And if you see me in real life just give me a hug?

The Wall
It’s nice to see that they got the camera man from the first three Bourne movies to shakily follow Jon around for the first ten minutes

We are apparently paying Ciaran Hinds by the minute but I’m glad to finally see him.  I guess he doesn’t have his kid, though?  I don’t remember seeing Dalla or Val yet, and I’m assuming that means we don’t get them, which could be a problem? And the Horn?  Mance’s threats seem to hold no water without the Horn (“if you don’t let us in will continue to throw mammoths at your Wall and you’ll, uh, set them on fire but uh, YEAH COME AT ME BRO”), and seriously, the dialogue was handed to you.  We’ll see. Stannis’ arrival should have been the end of last week’s episode, hands down.  I’m not sure how long they’re gonna keep Davos around but I guess he’s there too.  Again, lol what source material. HOWEVER, this scene was great.  Listening to Mance and Stannis play a wordgame version of “my kingly penis is larger than yours” was perhaps my favorite bit of dialogue in the episode, and the attack looked great, and people seemed legitimately surprised.  If you rewatch, look at Davos’ face while Mance is sassing Stannis: I was waiting for him to bust out with a “in Soviet Russia” joke.  “In Soviet Dragonstone, weather dresses for you!” #AllHailStannis

I’m okay with the fact they gave some of Mance’s lines to Tormund, because I did want to hear some of them. (They’re gonna switch his role with Rattleshirt, aren’t they…dammit.)  I also know they have to portray Jon’s sadness over Ygritte somehow, but goddamn it dragging her funeral pyre out there and then pulling a Sad Boys Drop Their Torches Behind Them Without Looking is just ugh.  I would not have been so upset with all the funeral stuff if that was the only scene from the Wall, but they had ALL of last week and still wasted time there, so much time.  We also apparently don’t care that no one’s in charge?  What’s happening next?  Idk Jon you go kiss your girl by the fire because you now Know Something or whatever I don’t know screw this show.

Bran
Brandon and the Argonauts: tonight’s special effects brought to you by Harryhausen

Outside the cave: total bullshit scene. (I was hoping the first hand was gonna be Coldhands but yeah he’s never showing up) Once inside the cave: actually kind of great?  I liked it once they got in there, it was exactly as I had pictured it.  You know what’s gonna be THRILLING to watch? Bran, Meera and Hodor dicking around in that cave for the next two seasons.  I’m joking.  Lol what’s pacing idk

I guess Thomas Brodie-Sangster had to go shoot “Love Actually 2: Die Harder” because okay, Jojen’s dead?  Sure?  Can no one do anything on this show with out “I didn’t want anyone to die for meeeee”? Like clearly the show runners have no respect for their audience but did they not think we could feel things correctly without killing off characters?

Brienne/Arya/Pod/The Hound
#IncomPodence (love you Podrick)

The little “we both named our swords, GIRL POWER” scene was 100% unnecessary and once again, show runners, can you stop attempting to spoon feed “Strong Women” to us?  We got it, or we don’t got it, but that’s not helping.  Just stahp.  Brienne’s dialogue with Sandor, however: yep.  Works.  The difference between the two characters in thinking that there’s somewhere safe left was wonderful. Not in the books, but works.  That’s when I don’t really get mad: you made stuff up, but it makes sense both in-universe and for the character (see last week’s Sam Tarly).

Fight scene, and Arya and Sandor after the fight scene = A++++.  Actually quite pleased with this whole thing.  Maisie and Rory, Rory especially, nailed this scene, and the grossness of Brienne’s fight with him was just spot on.  Not glorious sword-spinning and pretty dance-fighting, just blood and screaming because yep, that’s how it be.  Also oh hey Brienne will destroy you.  Like she wears that armor for a reason, and I’m really, really happy the show demonstrated just how good a warrior she is.  It’s also excellent that she beat Sandor, tried to be noble about it, and when he did his weird “I’ma hold your sword now” (which reminded me of that Uruk-hai from “Fellowship” when he like grabs the sword that’s in his stomach right before Aragorn beheads him because he’s so BA, or whatever) she was straight up like “oh that’s how it’s gonna be? BRING IT.”  Brienne of Fucking Tarth, but in a good way.

SO, I was in a good mood about the show getting something right, and then I walked in to bar prep and overheard some bro saying “I like Arya, I just don’t know if I’ll keep liking her as much if she’s not with the Hound anymore.”  Just fuck everything, seriously, I’m so done.  Friendly reminder, once again, that the Hound, while totes getting his face burned off, is still an actual piece of shit who robs and kills and was 100% serious about that Sansa thing.  And I saw people defending him like “but he didn’t do it!” and I’m like “you’re mounting a defense for a 35-year-old dude who was going to rape a 13-year-old girl and the entire defense, beginning and end, is that he DIDN’T ACTUALLY RAPE HER? Is that what’s happening here? Jesus, people.”  And yes, I know that part of what he said was to incense Arya into finishing him off (so please don’t try to mansplain it because that shit happened to me already and I’m not stupid…just bitter), but he DID kill Mycah and he DID kill a ton of other people on Joffrey’s orders and he DID rob that farmer and he considered raping Sansa.  He’s not a good guy, okay?  This is really a difficult set of characters for me, because I think the actors (and even the writers, mostly) did a great job with them this season, but the misogyny of the show fans comes out so hard with Arya and the Hound.  Okay, so to sum up my feelings: Maisie, Rory, most of the dialogue (especially in this episode) = really great.  Defending Sandor = not great.

Dany
We are now in the beginning of book 5 for her, who’s looking forward to the Meereenese knot HAHA no one good luck show peeps.  The old man who comes in and asks if he can reenslave himself was actually a great scene: she gets the information differently in the books, but it worked.  She’s starting to realize that for some of those who were enslaved, her arrival and dramatic freeing does not fix everything.  I’m hoping the show makes it clear what the other issues are, because as important as the old man’s plight is, I’m worried leaving people on that note will somehow turn into “yeah slavery’s not that bad and it wasn’t that bad in the real world, either!” because I straight up do not trust a large portion of the show’s fanbase.  That said, it was a pretty great scene (the actor playing the old man rode the line of allllllmost insubordinate very, very well) and introduced a problem neatly and quickly.  The scene with Hazzea’s father bringing her bones was also very well done, and if they had shortened the dramatic Closing of the Doors or whatever that was with her dragons, I would have actually said this was a very solid Dany week, but I mean, I guess we paid for the CGI or whatever so DRAGON IT UP.

King’s Landing
NOOOOOPE.  Just all around nope.  Nope-ier as we go along

Firstly, hated the Cersei and Tywin scene: like let’s not pretend that Cersei can out-do Tywin at anything.  When I was reading, I was always under the impression that Tywin totally knows where all the kids come from, he’s just dedicated to not letting it become public/accepted as true.  The show decided instead to give him a “na na na can’t HEEEEAAAAR youuuu” to Cersei’s “yeah no the kids are totes incest babies” instead of a “yeah, I know, shut your face or I’ll do something worse.”  She and Jaime are apparently still cool, as well, even though by this point in the books he’s super pro-Tyrion and she’s really pissed at him but now we get to watch them bang again because nothing gets twins ready like “our brother’s about to be executed but only one of us is conflicted about it.”  Ughh.

Now, on to the important thing.  HBO you done fucked up and not just in a “ruin several characters” way, in a “let’s not so subtly make violence against women okay again.”

In the show’s second season, you may recall that Tyrion mentions his first wife, Tysha, as a peasant girl who he believed genuinely fell in love with him, and they got married, and then Jaime and Tywin told him that no, she was actually a whore (I don’t like using this word but I’m using it here because it’s important later), and Tywin makes Tyrion watch as a whole garrison of Lannister men have sex with her for money, and then Tyrion has to do it, and gives her more money, because “a Lannister is worth more.”  This understandably screwed him up a little.  This is also true in the books.  In this scene from A Storm of Swords, Jaime, with Varys’ help, comes to rescue him (it’s the first time they’ve seen each other since Jaime’s return), and because Jaime’s gotten some kind of conscience, he tells Tyrion the truth during the escape: Tysha was in fact just a peasant girl and she had fallen in love with Tyrion, so the stuff orchestrated by Tywin (with Jaime’s participation) was a gang rape of a teenage girl.  Tyrion loses it, and tells Jaime not only that he’s responsible for Joffrey’s death (which is false), but also that Cersei has been unfaithful to him while he’s been at war, which is 100% true: she uses sex to control and she’s been using it a lot.  Jaime leaves pretty messed up, and Tyrion tells Varys to wait for him while he goes to find Tywin.  He discovers Shae in his father’s bed (which makes Tywin a huge hypocrite, just to remind you: no whores unless you’re me, I guess?), and she attempts to smooth things over, but Tyrion strangles her.  He then gets a crossbow, finds his dad in the privy, and asks him about Tysha, who Tywin barely remembers, and calls a whore.  Tyrion warns him not to use that word, and asks Tywin where Tysha went.  Tywin says, “Wherever whores go,” and Tyrion shoots him.  We see all this from Tyrion’s perspective, and it’s pretty damn clear that he’s snapped a bit with what Jaime told him.  There is nothing heroic about either of the acts, especially not killing Shae, but we see the motivation.

The scene in the show?

• Destroy Jaime’s character going forward because he’s still cool with Cersei and helped organize the gang rape of his brother’s first wife, and then they bro-hug
• Tyrion decides to go on a happy little jaunt for no goddamn reason even though he’s free (I guess to get more Solid Lannister Parenting from Tywin the Great?)
• Shae’s death is turned into “well he had to because it was self-defense” even though he could have legit just turned around and walked out of the room when he saw her, and her actions were more self-defense than his were
• I get to watch Twitter blow up with “good, Tyrion got his revenge, I hated that stupid bitch” so I cry forever
• Tyrion apologizes to her dead body (not in the books) because yeah I guess that totes fixes it, plus the Tyrion fans don’t want anything to be wrong with their most precious Tyrion even though he is just as flawed as literally everyone else on this show and is now officially a murderer
• Goes to find Tywin, who decides to pull a sky-Mufasa “REMEMBAHHH WHO YOU AAAAHHHH” with “you’re my son” and “I was never going to let them kill you” (LOL YES YOU TOTES WERE)
• Tyrion defends Shae and tells his father not to call her a whore.  Not Tysha, Shae.  The woman he just strangled.  I’m sure she’s way more pissed about the “whore” thing than the strangulation.  How dare you call her a whore, but killing her? Totes okay.
• Tywin calls her a whore again and Tyrion shoots him not because he organized the repeated rape of his teenage wife or he butchered a ton of northmen at the Red Wedding or that he wiped out an entire noble family or that the smallfolk are starving under his rule or that he’s just generally a terrible human being but because he called Tyrion’s murder victim a woman who has sex for money happy father’s day
• Varys didn’t know this was going on (LOL RITE) and gets on a ship with Tyrion The Bestest Ever Who Can Do No Wrong
• I quit everything

Jaime, Tywin, and Tyrion are significantly changed by the show doing it this way, and obviously I’m mad about that, because the dialogue, backstory, pacing, and everything else was literally handed to you, HBO.  However, I’m way more upset at the continual erasure of women and the acceptance of violence against them.  They justified the murder of Shae because it was revenge, or jealousy, or retaliation for her testimony, or something.  We let Tyrion look like the hero because he won’t let people call her a whore.  We erase Tysha and all of the things Tywin and Jaime did to her (and just to remind you, Tyrion participated!) because Jaime’s cool now and Charles Dance is a great casting decision.  NO. Everything that happened to Shae was nothing short of an unjustifiable murder, and cutting out Tysha allows the terrible, terrible actions of fan-favorite male characters to go unpunished.  The scene was ruined for me because of the changes, but more importantly, the changes hurt women, and this is just the most recent in a long line of terribleness: incomprehension of what rape looks like, gratuitous nudity of non-named female characters, Ros’s death, and so on forever.  I’m so tired of this happening, the show runners have given no indication it will ever get better, and I’m just sad, y’all.  I know you read these recaps to laugh and think a bit, but I really don’t know how to keep my feelings out of this one.

The rest of it is below the gif.

THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW THE DRAGON FOR THE EPILOGUE OF BOOK 3.  UNSULLIED, STOP READING AND ENJOY THIS GIF OF TOOTHLESS.

I love Toothless and I’m not sorry.

Lady Stoneheart
I swore so much when they cut to the credits and left her out.  I’ve been reading some reactions and other things about the lack of Lady Stoneheart: one that made me angry was someone arguing that it’s a waste of a plot point because we only see her one more time so where are we going with that? (Okay??? that doesn’t even make sense, we see like a jillion people once or twice, including Beric!)  However, the most frustrating one by far was from the director of the episode. Alex “We Didn’t Shoot a Rape Scene” Graves.  He thought it was hilarious that the fans were gearing up for that scene, because it was never ever a possibility, and they might cut her out entirely.  Mostly because they’d “have to call back Michelle Fairley, who’s this amazing actress, and she’s just a zombie who runs around…killing people? Why would we like that?”

Get the fuck out of here.  First of all, don’t act like “running around killing people” is not enough of a characterization for you.  You’ve got like 2 dozen men whose entire story is “I run around and kill people.”  Secondly, “running around and killing people” is what you got out of Lady Stoneheart?  Really? Not the fact that she’s targeting Freys?  Not the fact that she’s not Catelyn anymore, she’s a dead, vengeful thing who is no longer a mother and just now made up of straight murder and anger?  Not that Brienne is going to meet up with her later?  Not that the Lord of Light’s power can be transferred from person to person?  Not that Beric is now dead, and maybe something happened to Thoros because he transferred the power?  Not that Catelyn in this form could conceivably run into her living children and oh my God what if that happened?  None of that occurred to you? Oh, no, I’m sorry, she’s a murder-zombie, what was I thinking.  Thirdly, fuck you for pretending to care about Catelyn’s characterization.  The show’s creators had so much of a broner for Robb Stark that they made up an entire wife storyline for him with a backstory and lines and Robb’s unborn Nedbaby, while leaving Catelyn to weave prayer wheels and sit there saying “if only I had loved Jon Snow” and getting put in a cell by her son.  Don’t you DARE act like you suddenly care about this woman who is just *~*not COOOL like Dany and Arya**~~* because she’s only a mother and doesn’t fight and she’s whiny and she started the war and etc etc all this other shit you’ve let the fandom think because you did NOTHING with her character.  Finally, you’re laughing at the bookreaders for expecting the end of a season that loosely followed the end of book three to end at its actual fucking ending.  This is funny to you?  We’ve read the books, some of us many, many times.  We hyped up your show.  We put in money to this series.  Our interest is the only reason you have a goddamn show to work with, and instead of responding with “hey, I know it was a really epic scene in the books, but we chose to go in a different direction/it didn’t work well on-screen” you decided the best possible response was “LOL fuck you for wanting things, fandom.”  And many of the comments I’ve seen from people who watch the show have been along the same lines: “congrats, you read the books? what do you want, a cookie?”

I mean, yeah, I do, because cookies are delicious, but I’d settle for some acknowledgment by the show’s directors and writers that there is source material and a fandom built around it, and both of them are the reason you have a show in the first place.  The overarching attitude about them has never read as “this is a gorgeous series and we’re honored to write for it and adapt it and we’re so thankful to Martin,”  it’s read as “we are literally those three models in Zoolander having a gasoline fight on the source material and lol fuck your feelings.”  I’m not going to pretend like I’ll stop watching, but it’s getting to the point that I kinda wish the show had never happened.

Sorry, y’all, I know. *Sad trombone noise*  Anyway, I’m checking out.  Maybe I’ll want to talk about this after a couple weeks, but not so much right now.

Guys this one took me forever because I can’t talk about spoilers and I had to go back and reread Jon’s chapters and I just don’t care enough?  I like Jon in the books, I really do, I just feel like they tried to pull a “Blackwater” with this episode because “ooooh episode 9 is the craaaaazy one every time” and nope.  Blackwater made sense because it was a short siege with enough POV characters all in that one place, but I just didn’t feel like it worked for the siege of the Wall, especially since it takes place over like, a full week, and way more stuff happens, and it’s not like Ygritte gets POV chapters so it’s like “kay cool Jon we’re gonna just…use you.”  PLUS THEY KILLED PYP WHY.

For the record, I have had Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb” stuck in my head since last year’s episode of the same name, and it comes back in every time I see anything remotely related to the Wall.  Because bar prep is screwing with my emotions so badly, I started singing it in my head after episode 8 and started laughing so hard I teared up, because the chorus goes “there’s always gonna be another mountain” and I was like “LOL RIGHT BECAUSE THEY RECAST GREGOR SO MANY TIMES, ANOTHER ‘MOUNTAIN’ GEDDIT”

…the episode 10 recap will be better, I promise. I PROMISE.

Obviously I can’t break this thing down into areas so I’m just gonna do my thoughts? I guess? Plus I can’t say much because of spoilers in Jon’s storyline? I don’t really know?  Let’s be real y’all I’m just sitting around waiting for the finale which they’d better not mess up or we will have WORDS, BENIOFF AND WEISS

So, Kit Harington, as much as I sass him about pouting and being vaguely damp all the time and having pretty hair, is a lovely young man who has, as far as I know, actually read all the books, and has mentioned in interviews that he’s really trying to let the viewers see into Jon’s thoughts, especially in that he reeeeeally misses Ygritte.  The dialogue this season has given him like NOTHING to work with so he’s trying really hard, and I actually think he’s been basically as close to spot on as he can be with that in place.  They’ve dragged his plotline as much as possible this season, and I really think he’s Doing His Best.  Maybe I’m totally off on this, but I really just enjoy his portrayal and any frustration I have with Jon’s character is really not on Kit (minus his squinting all the time like can we turn off the wind machine or whatever it is? his hair will be JUST as pretty staying still).

So they changed a LOT here.  For one, Sam’s not there, like, at all. Tormund’s not there.  Alliser’s not there.  Janos Slynt in all of his jowly goodness is not there.  It’s Jon, whose leg is arrow-shot and is not like even a little bit ready to do much more than get propped up and shoot some more arrows, who controls the 20 or so dudes who are all vaguely incompetent, who holds the Thenn attack, and then a bunch of days later, the mammoth and giant attack.  The mammoths and giants looked great, for the record, but those are two separate attacks.  And for you bookreaders: I don’t think they cast Donal Noye in the TV adaptation, and I did appreciate the kind of epic last stand some of the men had at the gate with the giant, and I guess they can’t really shove Donal in for this episode only, but I did kind of miss that.  His death made me sad in the books, just because he’s such a supporter of Jon, I guess?  Anyway, #feelingz

No, Sam is not there in the books, he’s still off wandering with Gilly, but dear God I loved John Bradley in this episode.  His excellent “oh, is it over? Then keep shooting” line was the greatest in the episode, and although his entire presence is not canon, it worked for me, somehow: he talks about how Gilly makes him braver, if not brave, and her arrival at Castle Black right before the battle makes it work.  I’m sad they had to kill Pyp for Sam’s character development, but that’s about it.  Like once I got past the “oh, okay, Sam’s definitely here, then?” I was totally on board with everything they did.  Also I kinda got tingles when he swore.  #TeamSamwell

Just one little shoutout for what a friend called “Tormund’s murder face” because it’s great.  The original “it’s just a flesh wound, come at me, bro.”

The Award for Grossness in a Death Scene goes to Styr, the Magnar of Thenn, for “hammer in his skull courtesy of Lord Snow.”  Again, Jon’s not able to fight in the books, but this fight scene was very well choreographed (in an episode that I thought did very well with fight choreography), and I’m fine with it.  I still don’t know why they made the Thenns cannibals but it did add to the bleh factor and the group I was watching with all went “OOOHHHH” when Hammer-In-Skull happened, so I’ll allow it.

Not so on board with Ygritte’s death.  I know TV shows and movies are really big on the “slow down the battle around people so they can have Their Moment” but I really did not like it here, especially since dude, she def would have shot him, I’m sorry.  In the books, Jon finds her dying after the fight’s over, so having a moment where they won’t just like get hacked at (what, is there a special bubble of “don’t hit these guys for a minute, they’re in lurrrrrrv”?) is totally legit.  This is not to criticize either Kit or Rose Leslie, because they worked with what they got, and I was still sad, there were just too many “these people are special so don’t touch them” aspects to her death scene and that’s the exact opposite of what GRRM tries to do.

Lastly, I’m not super happy with Jon’s decision to go find Mance Rayder (and apparently, we are paying Ciaran Hinds by the goddamn minute because it’s gonna be the last episode and the leader of the freaking army has yet to make an appearance but MORE MAMMOTHS I don’t even know, guys).  In the books, the Night’s Watch dudes who don’t like Jon (cue Alliser and Janos, which I just wrote as “Jason” lolol oh God nothing is funny why am I laughing) send him to treat with the wildlings, which really means “we don’t want to hang you for being a turncloak so we’ll just send you to die,” and Jon’s kinda like “well, shit.  I guess I’ll go.”  He’s not like “I am the NOBLEST and MOST IMPORTANT of the sworn brothers and MUST GO ON MY OWN, DON’T TRY TO STOP ME SAM” and it’s a very “no, I will carry the Ring to Mordor on my own because I’m special” and I just didn’t like it.  Jon’s definitely got a hero complex, it’s inherent in his character, but he’s not that dumb.  I also thought they could have ended the episode differently (later in the plot, considering Ygritte’s death is page 620 something and the book is 920 something pages) but I can’t talk because spoilers.  They can’t wrap up Jon’s plotline next episode without screwing over a bunch of other plots, so I have a feeling we’ll have some of his ASoS plot left.

Sorry for the lackluster post, I Tried.  I am going to thoroughly enjoy people losing their minds over episode 10, but I have had expectations of how it needs to be since like 10 months ago so please, please, PLEASE get this right, HBO.

…how’s everybody doing?  Not great?  Yeah, I feel that.

Kiiiiiinda didn’t like this episode?  Was kind of grumpy the whole time?  Best thing I heard about it was “yeah I think the interns wrote this episode” and I’m in agreement.  There were a few very bright moments and a lot of “you done fucked up the pacing and this is filler, and BAD filler at that” so idk y’all.  Def a little frustrated with the show. I’m also neck-deep in bar prep and feeling like it’s regularly Ygritte-ing me because I legitimately know nothing so I’m just cranky in general but this episode was definitely attempting to forge a maester’s chain of bullshit so I’m swearing more in this post than I usually do because they’re ruining everything and I just want things the way I want them OKAY

My new fave joke I saw this week:
“on a scale from one to Sansa Stark how much do you regret your first crush”

The Wall
Aight, Benioff and Weiss, I know you wanna do an hour-long Battle o’ The Hairy People next week, and I know Season 2’s “Blackwater” was insanely good, but I’m not so sure that was a good call.  Everything but “I’m bored” is spoilers so I gotta hold off.  I shall patiently wait and then probably post whatever opinion I’ve got formed already.  Jon your hair is still pretty.

Oh LOOK Jon’s still sad and Sam’s sad and everyone is sad and literally nothing has happened all season that matters RIP Moletown MOVING RIGHT ALONG

Essos
I’m oddly very angry about the fact that Braavos is still in the opening credits when we haven’t seen people there, but my queen Sansa’s current location is not.  Please to fix right now.

So, Missandei and Grey Worm.  I am Team Missandei and Grey Worm so much it’s out of control.  Yes, once again, we are catering to the male gaze (Nathalie Emmanuel is so gorgeous it’s scary), but this was one time in the show where I was only like 40% pissed off that they showed a naked woman and no naked men.  I’m pretty sure it’s because the male gaze was played this week by Grey Worm, and I trust Grey Worm because Missandei does.  I kinda loved her little girlfreeeen time with Dany: as a friend pointed out, they are both still teenage girls, maybe a bit older, but it just fit so well.  And then the dialogue between her and Grey Worm broke my heart so badddddd guysssss ahhhh.  His speech was beautiful, especially since he used the Common Tongue to show Missandei she is teacher good, but he also clearly needs to work through some stuff, because duuuuude she’s great but literally nothing is worth going through Unsullied training.  “I never meet Missandei” shut up I’m not crying YOU’RE crying

The hatred I had for the stupid, stupid, stupid Talisa/Robb storyline from Season 3 made me doubt the ability of the producers and writers to add anything to the storyline that wasn’t already in there and have it be a positive addition.  I’m totally taking that back.  This is easily my favorite relationship of this season and it makes me feel so so much.  There’s book purism, and then there’s having a goddamn heart, so if you’re mad that they added this WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS  justkiddingsortof.  I’m so so happy we’re spending time on these two and the way this season’s been going maybe I’ll just stop watching and annoy HBO until we get a spin-off where Missandei and Grey Worm rule the world.

Bye Jorah byyyyye.  I eye-rolled so hard at his “no but it’s okay that I spied on you and as a direct result you almost died because I LUVVV you” and I eye-rolled just as hard in the books.  I’m glad he got his, in particular because he’s like the grossest “I WOULD DO ANYYYTHIIIIN FOR LOVE, BUT I WON’T DO THAT (unless “that” is “get into the slave trade” because then I’LL DO THAAAAAT)” of any character in this series.  No seriously, guys, fun fact, he tried to make his second wife so happy on his sad, cold Bear Island and she wouldn’t be happy so he went into crazy debt trying to buy her shit and tried to get out of it by trading in slaves.  Soooo romantic.  Ugh.  We read this scene from Dany’s POV in the books, and therefore I remember her being less “FU” and more “FU but I’m sad and conflicted about it” but that is kinda hard to portray in the show.

Andrew has started sometimes referring to himself, for no reason, as “The Daddy of Dragons,” so now I’m laughing at a lot of the Dany scenes and now you must join me

Sansa
BOW. DOWN. YOUR QUEEN IS SPEAKING.  I was kinda annoyed at “Lysa’s suicide…she was always a troubled woman” because what but seriously Sansa I love you and Littlefinger’s little grin because he’s so proud and goddamn I’m so proud also.  I know I can’t retroactively get everyone on board the Sansa ship four years ago but I can damn well give high-fives to everyone now.  I can also make sure people don’t start calling her “badass” suddenly and talk about how she’s starting to play the game because shut up, sit there in your eternal error and I’ll come fetch you when you’ve figured it out.

Also I am assuming Cinna helped her with her new dress.  Sansa Stark is: The Mockingjay

Arya and the Hound
Arya’s laugh was perhaps my favorite “little” thing just far this season because it’s just this great LOL EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND NEVER GETS BETTER and it’s just spot on with the show.  The fact that we just got to the Vale worries me plot-wise but eh.  Maisie Williams you wonderful human keep it up.

Our blades are sharp
So, my Asshole Moment of the Week was right after Theon tells his Ironbros “no we’ll totally make sure you’re safe no worries.”  One of the people I watch with was like “are they really gonna be safe” and my reaction, because I am a punk, was “*SNORT* nooooope” because nope.  Oh yeah and in case you forgot the Boltons flay people, so glad we got to see that, everything is gross and sad and made of mud, I guess but Ramsay’s gonna tell us with his puppy dog face how it’s an art ughhhhhh

More importantly, ROOOOOOOSE.

I can’t decide if I like bearded Roose or clean shaven Roose more but his cloak-swishing remains magnificent, and his shade-throwing remains pristine, and he is a stone-cold motherfucker forever and I love it.  That said, the hell was this scene?  My tweet for this was legit “the hell is this Simba shit, can u not Ramsay” and I stand by that.  Like can we not spend time on the most messed up family dynamic in the Seven Kingdoms (“I killed all these people for YOU, Daddy!”) by doing a weird-ass “just don’t go to the elephant graveyard” thing and making Ramsay even a little bit likable?  Stop it.  This scene was dumb.  As much as I love Roose’s “the incompetence around me is incredible” face I really hope we spend no more time than necessary on some weird “daddy look I brought you Moat Cailin aren’t you proooooud” BS.  I’d rather watch Jon be sad and wet and cold and we know how much I love watching that.

That being said, I would pay so much money to see a choreographed Bolton and Lannister production of “Be Prepared” with the one and only Lord Bolton as Scar.  I need this and now you need it too.

Roosefasa.

Trial by battle
I’ll get there in a second but can I just…the fuck was up with that beetles speech, dear GOD.  Someone put the interns back in their cages.  It’s like someone went “so Dinklage probably has the Emmy nom wrapped up but let’s try to fix that by giving him the dumbest speech ever.”  Also seriously this weird “let’s hang in my dungeon” thing he’s doing with Jaime? Not a fan.  I just…this scene, man.  We could have had another five minutes of Oberyn and we got some beetles.

On to my beautiful Pedro.  I liked Oberyn in the books, not necessarily because he’s a good guy, but because he’s such a good character.  In the show? I like him so much more, and I really hope Pedro Pascal gets an Emmy for his portrayal because I was liking it more and more but this episode made it for me.  I didn’t necessarily even agree with all the lines he got, or his costuming, or anything, but I just really think Pedro MADE a character out of what is frankly not a ton of book material and I loved it.  Also apparently he did acrobatic martial arts training for this scene and UNF it looked so good and he tweeted “Ouch.” on Sunday night and he’s just lovely and it’s truly a shame the show won’t have him anymore.

Ellaria’s “don’t leave me alone in this world” and the cut to her screaming no really it’s fine it’s just my tears themselves are crying, goddamn it I knew it was coming and it was still terrible.  I wish they had kept out Oberyn’s pointing to Tywin and had just kept him doing “You raped her.  You murdered her.  You killed her children.”  because even though it’s very Inigo Montoya it was SO effective in the book and to hear the Mountain admit it right as he kills Oberyn was just MY HEART EVERYTHING IS PAIN.

I’m pissed at the show for leaving out what I thought was a very important point: why do they call him the Red Viper?  Andrew figured it out and I’m bursting with pride for him but I’m also mad at the show.  Basically, I thought the battle itself was well done, but most of the stuff around it was not so great.  I’m not explaining myself well but I’ve deleted and rewritten this paragraph several times and it hasn’t gotten better so hopefully it makes sense but I can clarify if needed? Maybe?

There’s some casting out for Dorne for next season and that’s easing the pain a bit but the combination of a weak episode and the most gruesome death of a liked character so far is getting me down, guys.  And next week I have to watch Jon Snow’s hair fight off Mance Rayder who is like not even in this show any more and ughhhhh.  Stupid bar exam.  Stupid Mountain. Stupid series.

cheer me up guyz I need ittttttt