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Meathead Mondays: Jason Momoa

December 18, 2017

As a very serious aside (no, actually, I shouldn’t call it an aside, this is more important than an aside), Jason Momoa said a really awful thing at a panel for Game of Thrones back in 2011, and it came to light in the past few months when Justice League was getting promoted.  He was on a panel for season 1, and mentioned that the show was great, because, among other reasons, he gets to “rape beautiful women.”  It’s a garbage thing to say, and his fellow panel members were visibly uncomfortable, and there’s no justifying it.

I am willing to look past this comment, partially because he has been a good dude otherwise, but in large part because his apology was a genuine, non-hedging, and responsibility-taking apology.  He offers no excuse, he does not try to explain himself, and he begs forgiveness while saying he doesn’t deserve it. All the above still being true, I am writing this post because I think he has been better than that comment shows.  It’s an enormously unacceptable thing to say and there’s no fixing it, but it was one black spot in an otherwise unproblematic career of public appearances, and he knows it was stupid, and *shrug* I’m gonna forgive him.  On to the rest.

I saw him as Aquaman in Justice League, and despite being criminally underused, he was an enormous smiley tattooed piece of driftwood and this post is for you, my guy.  I think you are good and had a moment of stupid and I still want to hug you and let you braid my hair.  I feel like you know how to braid hair.

Continue Reading…

Personal

Sometimes I work retail and weird things happen

December 5, 2017

Yes hi, it me, ur friendly neighborhood lawyer who also is a register jockey sometimes.  Something something side hustle something gig economy something student loans something store discount something broke.  (Like, sidenote, yes I realize I am an attorney but if y’all haven’t been keeping up with the news in the legal market, salaries are low and hard to find and the millenial struggle is extra struggle-y in my profession of choice so I do this too. They’re both service jobs, let’s be real.)

There is also a frustrating aspect to working retail while also working as an attorney, and it is that people treat you differently when they find out you’re an attorney and also working retail.  I myself have been guilty of profession-dropping when I want to impress a customer (I’m not *just* a sales associate, I have two degrees, I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life) and also doing it when someone is being the worst.  Sometimes people will say “why are you working here if you’re a lawyer?” and to that I give my above explanation while thinking “why are you asking dickish questions if you’re a stranger?”

ANYWAY

My retail gig is great (love my coworkers love my managers work is decidedly Not Bad) but it is still ridiculously wacky.  And there are still some unusual scenarios that pop up specifically during the holidays and especially on Black Friday and here are some that have happened recently.

Wow, it’s busy, I have some returns

I don’t ever know what to tell to the person who decides to process all of their returns on the busiest shopping day of the year.  This is like showing up to a park at 9 PM on the 4th of July looking to play some frisbee and saying to an employee “wow, there sure are a lot of fireworks here! anywhere I could toss this disk around?” Like, yes, we can help you, but why. Why are you like this.

I do not need to hear about your struggles to find parking on this the day of Our Retail Lord because those two pairs of khakis could simply not live in your home any longer.  This is on you, champ.

A minor version of this happens every Saturday until the new year. “Wow, I had some trouble parking, it’s so busy!”

Me, crazed, shrieking: IS IT NO WAY

Customer: anyway I bought this in 1957 and I don’t have a receipt

Me: *twitching*

Please tell me what my loved ones would like for Christmas

“I’m trying to find a gift for my wife, what would you recommend?”

Uh

I mean

Like, talking to her would be a good start

I can (and have!) gone forward from this place, asking what she likes to do for fun, if she has a favorite color, what her favorite outfits are, and what the guy is looking to spend, because I ALWAYS BE CLOSING and I am a goddamn professional. However, it always blows my mind that a husband thinks asking me for a gift idea for his wife is the right call.  Like, by virtue of being another human woman I somehow have a greater insight into her wants than you do, and you’re a human man who lives with her.  Homie, I don’t know your wife.  I don’t know her hopes and dreams, and while we do both enjoy the ever-present shadow of sexism, I have no idea what will make her happy.  She might think Daario’s characterization on Game of Thrones is fine.  She might Also, please, for the love of God, know her size, so you don’t gesture towards me and my body and go “she’s about your height, I think, but uh…”

Me: thinner?

him: yeah

Lemme get your wife a sweater and be excused to scream

Women, What Do They Want, What A Mystery, So Mysterious

My ‘office’ is visible at all times

Not that all non-service jobs are a blast (like if you’re doing construction work I can’t even imagine how physically demanding your work is), but the most frustrating part is how your customers see you do every part of it and don’t think that there is any kind of barrier that shouldn’t be crossed.  I’ve gotten tapped on the shoulder while working with another customer because this one COULDN’T WAIT (sidenote: don’t touch me), but I’ve also gotten asked for help while I was mid-sneezing or coughing. In an office setting, you would ask your coworker if she’s okay, not be like “do you have this in a petite large?” We might, but I can’t breathe at the moment, so you gon’ have to wait.

My personal fave is when people start shopping a pile of stuff that needs to get placed on the floor.  This weekend, I had a rack of cardboard boxes, all filled with holiday items (food, ornaments, etc.) and was trying to fill in the stuff we’d sold.  A lady came up and started rummaging around in one of the boxes and my lawyer brain went “oh GOD she’ll drop the heaviest item on her toe and then we’ll find out she’s a toe model and that toe is her livelihood and we’ll have to pay out her earnings forever and I’ll get fired and the company will go under because TOE”

What I actually said was “is there anything I can help you find?  I’ve been trying to get these out but I’m not finished so we may have more items”

Her: “I was going to say, this is the oddest display I’ve ever seen!”

Ma’am

MA’AM

Do you also walk directly into a recently-poured sidewalk slab and say “this is a very odd concrete!” LOOK, WITH YOUR EYES, THAT ARE IN YOUR HEAD, WITH YOUR BRAIN, PLEASE, MAKE AN EFFORT

I’m gonna come in and rearrange your Outlook calendar in your office SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT

I misread my coupon and now I must Murder

See also “I left my coupon at home,” “no I’m positive it said 80% off,” “I got these for full price 17 months ago and I’d like a price adjustment,” “why do I need to pay money in exchange for goods,” “my solution to the problem of not wanting to give a business any money is to berate the lowest rung of authority hostage-situation-style until my demands are met,” etc. etc. sobsobcry.

I’ve had *so* *many* frustrating discussions with people about their not wanting to pay an advertised price for an item.  I absolutely understand that it is frustrating to get to the payment step of a purchase and need to shell out more money than you expected, I get that, I really do.  But the price I’m quoting you isn’t generated by that little popcorn ball thing they pick lottery numbers out of.  The computer says “hey yeah this coat is this number of dollars” and if you have a coupon in your hand or if there is a sale I can tell the computer “hey this barcode and set of numbers will tell you that no it is actually a fraction less” but without that barcode I am up dollars creek without a coupon and so are you.

My store is doing a promotion at this time where if you spend fifty dollaroonis you will get a ten-dollar gift card to the store that is good on your next purchase.  It legitimately won’t work until the next day.  And I’ve had like, Dynasty-level fights over “WHERE IS MY TEN DOLLARS OFF” uhhh ma’am, if I can just direct you to the words, on the ad, where it says Not That.  “They just want you to come back in the store!” Hell yes, they do.  This is capitalism.  They give coupons to get you into the store, comrade, and they’ll be damned if they pass up a chance to bleed you dry some more.

My most challenging battle so far This Holiday Season was a lady who came in on Black Friday with a receipt for things she bought 3 days prior to Black Friday, which were not on sale, but now they were.  We were not doing price adjustments.  “But they’re on sale now!” Sure! Yes they are!  Because it is Black Friday!  You made the decision to secure these items earlier rather than risk the possibility that they would no longer be available on a sale day. Choices! Freedom! Risk Assessment!

Surprisingly, this was not a sufficient answer for this person (I didn’t actually say this don’t you worry), who told me that she had just been to Abercrombie, and they had let her do this.  Sucks to your Ass-bercrombie-mar, ma’am, and if you love Abercrombie so much why don’t you marry it.  I did not say this, either, but rather walked her through the repurchase of all of her items at the day’s sale price so that she could then return each item for which she had paid full price.  She was doing this for her daughter, who has 8 children, and “needs all the help she can get” with discounts and coupons.

Congrats on her fertility, but objection: relevance.

Aggressively wishing ‘Merry Christmas’

I am coming from a place of privilege and do not care if someone casually says “Merry Christmas” because that is a holiday I celebrate. I would also not care if they said “Happy [Anything Else]” because it affects me zero percent but this is still a majority-Christian nation so that hasn’t happened ANYWAY

A lot of people do say “Merry Christmas” in a casual way, not as a Statement, and *shrug* whatever.  However, I do get a decent number of people who are like “I am a sergeant in the War on Christmas” and will make uncomfortable eye contact with me and say “Merry Christmas” and kind of wait for the paratroopers with reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and “Happy Honda-days” banners to come from the sky or something and are so smugly proud of themselves for being brave.

However.  I wear a name tag at work.  My name is Christina.  My guy’s name is *in my name.*  It is not so much bravery to tell me Merry Christmas to my face as it is equivalent to showing up at a baptism for Jesus McNazareth and looking his parents in the eye and saying “Merry Christmas.”

People, I love Jesus.  He is the best, and I’m super psyched to celebrate Christmas because for me it is the night of my dear Savior’s birth.  But trying to start fights with a cashier in December is not The Reason for the Season.

How you can help

You don’t need to help.  You’re doing great.  If you’re reading this and laughing, you’re not part of the problem.  Especially millenials and genXers: you guys are all the politest group of economically-depressed bits of sunshine and you’re doing amazing, sweetie.

Nerding, Personal

Meathead Mondays: Vin Diesel

November 20, 2017

I honestly debated saving my Vinny till later, just to savor the slow burn of my readers’ anticipation oh my GOD I am joking you were not waiting for this post but you’re reading it anyway and I thank you for that, it makes me feel relevant.

There was truly no way I would skip my precious hard-boiled-egghead bb Mr. Diesel, whom I adore with the fire of a thousand suns and zero shirt sleeves, and given the Fast and Furious beef that has now extended into a second year, I figured this is as good a time as any to talk about my fuel-efficient commercial trucker of a person.

[Aside: Vin’s got one or two crappy interviews under his belt with female interviewers where he calls them beautiful and they’re just trying to do their jobs: I’m not psyched or defending those, all your faves are problematic, etc etc] Continue Reading…

Nerding, Personal

Meathead Mondays: Chris Hemsworth

November 6, 2017

Hey friends.  Here is the first post in a series I will be doing called “Meathead Mondays.”  In this series, I will be discussing my personal favorite muscle-y, earnest action movie heroes, and what better way to start than with Chris Hemsworth, currently starring in Thor: Ragnarok, and frankly, knocking it out of the goddamn park.  Seriously if you haven’t seen this frenetic hilarious masterpiece just go, now. Continue Reading…

Personal

Face masks done by a sad woman

October 18, 2017

This post was requested by the lovely Adrienne, and while I’m not sure this is exactly what she thought of when she suggested that I discuss my use of face masks, I still very much hope she enjoys it. <3

Kids I love me the hell out of a face mask.  They are one of my favorite **self-care** things to do in the entire world, and as a bonus, if I don’t tell my husband that I’m putting one on, I get to terrify him with my visage.  “What’s wrong with your face??” is music to my trollololol ears.  When I been up straight for nine days I need a spa day I don’t get one but I do put stuff on my forehead and it’s basically the same.  Here’s the process. Continue Reading…

Lawyering, Personal

For World Mental Health Day

October 11, 2017

I missed this by a day, forgive me.  The sentiments remain the same. And as my wonderful friend Adrienne said, “every day is mental health day when you have the clinical diagnosis of ‘my brain hates me.'”

You may have read my post a few years back when I was returning to law school after a medical leave to treat my depression.  That time still ranks as the worst my illness has ever gotten, and there is definitely a strength associated with knowing the answer to “well, how bad can it get?” (this! this bad! *precisely* this bad!)

Fun fact: I am still depressed.  Over the past 4 years, I have been able to reduce the frequency of my therapy sessions, and even stop attending completely for almost a year before starting it again, but boyyyy howdy am I not “cured,” and that might never be a thing that is true.

I’m still taking medication: SNRIs have proved to be pretty generally good for me, although I had to switch from one to another because my insurance stopped carrying one and it was gonna be something in the range of two hundred dollars a month so I spent a week switching and frantically observing my body and mood to see if I was not coping well.  I lucked out and everything was fine but I also was basically fueled on phone calls and rage for 10 days or so.  My current meds are 7 dollars a month instead of roughly 7 dollars a pill, so that’s, uh, better.

I still take sleep medication sometimes: I’ve had a night or two still where I’ve slept maybe 90 minutes and then headed into work which does not come highly recommended. Ambien will make me a bit groggy the next day, and it’s no bueno when I remember that there’s something I still need to do after I’ve taken them (walked our dog the other night and we could have gone to Narnia for all I know), and I will sometimes sort of sleep-eat when I’m taking them, but gosh darn do I love my sleep so sacrifices must be made.

I still have an incredibly supportive partner: I’m now married, and while Andrew doesn’t always totally get what’s going on in my brain (it objectively doesn’t make sense), he is so incredibly wonderful about asking me what I need and if I’m okay and telling me he doesn’t hate me.  Because that is a question I ask with disconcerting frequency.

I still am ridiculously lucky in many ways.  I am (usually) financially fine enough to attend therapy and pay for my medication through Andrew’s insurance.  I am able to schedule therapy appointments around my work schedule.  I do not have to worry about childcare or supporting another human being during my bad periods.  And, of course, I am a white, cis, heterosexual woman with an advanced degree and despite my mental illness I have a hell of a lot of privilege.  Getting help saved my life, but I was able to ignore or walk around many of the barriers others face in receiving and paying for treatment.

That being said…

Being a depressed lawyer is hell, sometimes.  Many of the aspects of the profession require you to pretend or to actually have no emotion (other than anger, maybe), and my depression is basically having emotions to the point of incapacity, so it doesn’t work super well for me.  I’m lucky in that I’ve never missed court or anything super important because of my depression, but I’ve certainly had to do some excuses the morning of a responsibility.  The choice of whether to disclose is still an incredibly challenging line to draw (will they be understanding? will they fire me?) and it requires me to read a situation while I’m mired in despair so deep that I can’t see my hand in front of my face, so I’m sure I’ve blown it at some point, but I continue to Do My Best.

There’s also this other whole element of needing to report your mental health treatment for severe disorders to several states’ bars when you’re applying to take the exam.  For Pennsylvania, I was not required to report details, but I was required to report any time away from school, which amounted to a full year of law school before I returned.  For New Jersey, I had to report my diagnosis.  The question in New Jersey asks if you have ever received treatment for a list of disorders, and major depressive disorder is one of them.  This meant that when I found out that I passed the bar in New Jersey, I was not actually listed as eligible to be sworn in, because I had to be interviewed by a member of the ethics committee about my treatment, my current status, and my ability to handle the practice of law.  We met in a restaurant.  I ate some fries while she asked me about the worst part of my life and whether I’d fuck up a client’s file because of my brain telling me I’m worthless. The fries were good.

There’s also this whole other element of my depression sometimes telling me that maybe it would be better if I wasn’t alive.  The first two minutes of this clip from Louis CK’s newest special (not ideal to link to him but this is so accurate) is exactly it, and this cartoon and its part 2 from Hyperbole and a Half are the best ways I have to describe this.  And I terrify so many people when I talk about it, and I almost wish that wasn’t the case.  Not because suicide isn’t horribly serious, because it is.  And not because the idea of “missing the signs” isn’t an enormous struggle for concerned loved ones, because it *is*. Because, actually, “I might not want to be alive” should not be the worst thing someone can say.  When I say it, it doesn’t mean I’m in imminent danger.  It doesn’t mean I’ve made any kind of plan.  It doesn’t mean I need to be taken to get sectioned or restrained or hospitalized.  All it means is “the pain of being me right now is so great that *not* being me sounds like a better deal.”

In actuality, it means telling my husband to hide my sleep medications from me and giving me a dose for sleep if I need one – not because I actually plan on doing something, but because it doesn’t benefit me to have a full bottle of Ambien next to my bed.  It means asking those close to me to tell me I have worth and have been at least somewhat a net positive in their lives so I can have proof to show my brain when it says “no one likes you, you’re a disappointment on every plane of existence.” It means walking my dog and feeding her, because then I can point to her healthy doggie body and say “here is a good thing I did recently.” And sometimes it means being in bed for an entire day with the crushing weight of the opinions of the entire world and the struggle of my own existence weighing down on my chest and limbs like a lead blanket and waiting for the next day to come because at least it won’t be today anymore.

I am depressed.  Sometimes that means I’m fine, and sometimes that means I am in a hell my brain has designed specifically for me.  And I’m doing my best to make the “fine” days outweigh the “hell” days.  If you’re here, know that I am here with you, and that you have value, and that I am so proud of you.

Nerding, Personal

Better national anthem options

October 1, 2017

With all of this discussion around kneeling during the National Anthem, I’ve had plenty of time to sit and think about a lot of things, like “why is it disrespectful to kneel at a flag but not disrespectful to extrajudicially murder a black man” and “yes, Trump is bad, but Kaepernick started this protest while Obama was president so to take the goal of this protest and pivot it seems like bad form” and “oh God this waking nightmare is real isn’t it” and eventually land on “the National Anthem ain’t even that great.”  Guys.  I’m not kidding.  Our country’s national anthem is an unnecessarily difficult, melodically mediocre drinking song in 3/4 time (why, whyyyyy) that strikes fear into the heart of listeners and, tbh, anyone who isn’t Whitney Houston.  It ain’t all that and a bag of chips. (Her version can stay.) Also FSK owned slaves and suppressed abolitionists and I’m not like, thrilled, exactly, to be pushing his poetry.

Let’s pick out a better one, shall we?

  • God Bless America
    • Ehhhhh
      • It’s better, but not great
      • Definitely an improvement over our current one melodically (let’s keep it simple, okay?) but our revolution will not be gentle, let’s do even more
        • Also you will always have a ton of kids and maybe adults singing from the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans, white with snow
          • Yes I know it’s foam, not snow, but I heard “white” and extrapolated
          • Yes “maybe adults” means me, yes, I do this, okay, shut up
  • This Land Is Your Land
    • TLIYL can hang, it’s got some pep, it’s good for the kiddies
      • This land was made for you and me!
      • Like, don’t think about it too much because then you start getting into “okay but Alaska and Hawaii”
        • And then you also start getting into “ooohhhhhhkay unless you’re Native this land was perrrrhaps not made for you and me”
          • Okay wait maybe this song is out
  • My Country Tis of Thee
    • Somewhere England is like I THINK NOT
    • Also a better option, it’s got a sweet little melody which is pretty easy
    • Downside is after the third line everyone is like “okay are we…oh, not yet? How about nowOHNO THEY WENT ALREADY LAAAAAND WHEEEEEERE OUUUUURRRR” and it’s a bit of a mess
      • Also, of course, someone will be like “we did not say eff you to King George to make people confused at the Olympics when they play our anthem MURRICA”
    • This one wouldn’t work for me either because I’d be singing the Eddie Izzard version
      • God attack the Queen
        • Send big dogs after her
          • That bite her bum
  • Battle Hymn of the Republic
    • Okay, I *like* this song, fight me
      • It is jaunty and clips along at a nice pace and yes okay it is like DESTROY YOUR ENEMIES but in a happy kinda march-y way?
        • “He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored” is punk rock and I will die on this hill a little
    • Also heyyy this is to the tune of “John Brown’s Body” and the author, Julia Ward Howe, was an abolitionist (absolutely not a perfect one but still) and an early suffragette and used by the Union in the Civil War and just generally better than Francis Scott Key
    • Also super fun to watch people try to figure out how to breathe and have the first “glory, glory Hallelujah!” be a breathy mess because people were like “nah, I know how air works” and their lungs are like “FAKE NEWS” and you just gotta stagger this if you’re in a chorus
    • Also, okay, there’s a Whitney version of this song where she goes HAM and it is delightful
  • America, the Beautiful
    • Objectively the best choice, I don’t make the rules, it just is the best one
    • This song is stunning – it’s like a gorgeous hymn to our country written with intervals that make sense and it is doable for a singer without going bonkers over-the-top
    • Also the lyrics are where it is at, yo
      • Yeah, *let’s* crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to flippin’ shining sea
        • I am very pro-“let us be together as family” rather than “let us triumphantly trample the foe” in general and this song is great about that
          • Also yeahhh Katharine Lee Bates, cool lady who was a professor at Wellesley and lived with another lady for 25 years
      • And the second verse??? YES
        • America! America! / God mend thine ev’ry flaw / Confirm thy soul in self-control / Thy liberty in law!”
          • America, you’re doing *amazing* sweetie
  • Stars and Stripes Forever
    • JAY P. ESS HECK YES
    • I hatehatehate playing marches because they are the worst for horn players but Sousa knew what the heck he was doing and this march is great and he is great and all the branches of the military agree
    • “wait, but isn’t this already the official military march of the United States?” IT *IS*, DEAR READER
      • Yes I realize you didn’t say that because who knows that but still, it’s just one step up to just get to the actual anthem
        • First step pizza, second step flaming batons
    • No there aren’t lyrics which is fine tbh
    • You know what? I’d be fine with Manhattan Beach
      • Let’s Sousa until we can’t Sousa anymore
  • Party in the USA
    • It’s cute how you snorted and think I’m kidding, this could be the new national anthem
      • This is a very high-quality song and I am 100% willing to die on this hill
    • What a universal feeling, guys
      • Who among us hasn’t put their hands up, because they are playing our song
        • Who among us hasn’t nodded their head like yeah
          • Or moved our hips like yeah
    • Put this song on at basically any event (a baby shower? a faculty meeting? a pyramid scheme sales pitch in a Starbucks where everyone listening in is super uncomfortable? NOT ANYMORE) and people will be SO FLIPPIN’ HAPPY
  • Pitbull’s The Anthem
    • MISTER WORLDWIDE
      • Okay perhaps on those grounds alone this is not a great option for a national anthem
  • Good Charlotte’s The Anthem
    • THROW ALL YOUR HANDS UP
  • Carly Rae Jepsen’s Cut to the Feeling
    • idk it’s just a really good song
      • There’s no good joke here, I just really like Miss Carly Rae
        • CANCEL YOUR RESERVATIONS
Personal

It’s Doggo Time

September 14, 2017

Friends, just an FYI: I’m not pulling down my Paypal donate button even though my Game of Thrones reviews are done for the season.  If you have any post requests, a $15 donation will get you at least a thousand words on the topic of your choice ($25 if I need to watch or read a thing to familiarize myself), and tbh the funds will probably go towards getting Bailey a bandanna that says “Direwolf in Training.” And then another bandanna that says “The Disreputable Dog.”  And then a third bandanna saying “The Goodest Girl.” Hit me up if you got requests, I’m like the DJ of emotions and bad jokes.

And on that note

GAH WE GOT A PUPPYYYYYY

Okay she’s like, kind of a puppy: they think she’s about 9 months old, so she’s more like a teenage dog. She’s got like gangly legs and some sass and she’s wearing black eyeliner on her waterline and looking forward to getting her learner’s permit.

She is probably also part lab, part some kind of bully breed, part the All-Seeing Eye of Sauron (her eyes are intense) and part sea lion since her front paws splay out a little.  Like, when she stands, she kinda looks like she’s in ballet first position.  She has v v shiny fur and it is soft and she is soft and she is perfect and my HEART. MY. HEART.

LIKES

  • Frozen peanut butter in a Kong
    • Subset of other things she likes: the Kong; peanut butter; when the freezer opens
  • Wrecking the plushy her extended family got her in like ten minutes
    • My brother- and sister-in-law brought over a hedgehog like their two dogs like and she tore open the seam and some stuffing in like ten minutes
      • RIP Hedgey
  • Her crate
    • She came to us crate-trained and she does really well in it, actually
    • Cave-puppyyyyyy
  • Eating
    • This doggo eats like a champion
      • I am not necessarily used to this, because I grew up with a GSD who was a pretty picky eater, but Bailey is like “yo is that kibble? LEMME AT IT”
  • Snoring a little while she sleeps
  • Eating bugs
    • Crawly or swoopy, she will attempt to chomp you and probably will succeed
      • Last night she got three bugs, one jumpy, two crawly
  • Flopping off the couch halfway to go chase the ball she dropped while leaving her little spindly legs still on the couch because whatever
  • Saying hi
    • Saying hi again
      • Once more yes hi do you have food do you have a toy are you new hi hi hi hi pet me hi yes HI
      • This goes for humans and other doggos
      • She’s just Bailey: the Friendly Ghost
  • Ice cubes
    • Chomp chomp
      • The first one I gave her, she didn’t understand that it would be cold, and she tried to pounce on it to make the cold go away (kind of like that dog video where the dog haaaates the lime and tries to pounce away the citrus)
      • She now loves them, we just have to make sure she doesn’t leave ice chips everywhere, because those turn into tiny puddles, and holy God is it unpleasant to step into a tiny cold water puddle in dress socks

DISLIKES

  • Ignoring garbage on the ground
    • Bailey I appreciate your dedication to Dunkin’ Donuts but please kindly remove your nose from that gross iced coffee cup on the ground oh GOD, NO, DON’T CHEW IT
  • Skateboarding
    • To Bailey, skateboarding is, in fact, a crime
      • Apparently people should not be allowed to go that fast, it is Unnatural and must be Stared At
        • This poor kid was just tryna do some kickflips or whatever and she was looking at him like he was
  • Leaves that move when they’re touched
    • She darted away like a terrified little minnow on Sunday because she touched like, a frond on a plant and it sprang back and she was like NYOOOMNOPE
  • Going potty when it is raining
    • Fair enough, puppo, fair enough: this is not an ideal system
      • She’ll look up at you like Puss in Boots from Shrek 2 and for a second you’re like “oh no, you poor baby, maybe we’ll just bring you into the human bathroom” and then you’re like “how is that a workable solution” and then you nudge her gently into the downpour and she hangs her head and pees
  • Getting into the car
    • She’s the chillest dog once she’s in there, but she is Not Having It when we’re like “come on, jump in, into the car”
      • She just looks at you like “you jump in if it’s so great”
        • You then have to do the thing where you pick her up and she either looks like she’s shrugging with her arms straight out in front or you scoop her into a little ball and deposit her on the seat
          • Dogs’ front legs are arms, I don’t make the rules

INDIFFERENCES

  • Thunderstorms
    • We’ve had thunder and she is just kinda like “something happen?? something happen.”
      • If she’s out when it is windy and there are leaves blowing tho she gon try to catch every dang leaf that has ever leafed
  • Fireworks
    • Someone set off a bunch and again, she was like “noise?? noise.” and that was it
  • Train sounds
    • We live on the same block as a set of commercial train tracks, and the conductors can sometimes be like BWWWWWAAAAAAMP at 11 PM at night and once again, pup is like “POINT at the loud sound… okay that happened”
  • Riding in the car
    • She’s totally fine
      • She’ll walk over to one open window, sniff a little, sit, walk over to the other window, sniff, sit, repeat, investigate up front by nudging your ear with her cold wet nose, and start the whole thing over again
  • The vet
    • Like, got a shot and wasn’t thrilled but was still like “eh, people are holding me, this could be worse”
      • Same for getting her nails trimmed, not her fave but not the end of the world
        • Bailey, looking at us: I don’t like this but I am still a Good Girl

Friends, she is a good pup and I love her and please hit me up if you’ve got requests and I promise to send you Bailey pics

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 7: “The Dragon and the Wolf”

August 29, 2017

Aaaaaaas always donate button to the right

Just a quick Daario update before we get to the meat of this update: Ed Skrein (the OG Daario and my personal fave because at least they gave him interesting hair) just accepted and then turned down a role in the Hellboy reboot because the character is not white.  I’m not familiar with the series or the character, but I do want to link you to his response, which is just A++++.  Some points knocked off for his not doing the research beforehand to know that the character has a Japanese heritage, but yo, my boy, you did so good.  This is what we need.  Ed, you were always my favorite Daario.  Back to Thrones.

I didn’t hate this episode, mostly because I genuinely liked the scene in the dragon pit and several of the others, but this episode and this season are like, Vin Diesel-movie subtle.  And I *like* Vin Diesel.  I see his films.  But if I go in expecting Pride and Prejudice and what I get is the Return of Xander Cage, I’m gonna be a bit miffed.

Specifics on the miffed, below Continue Reading…

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6: “Beyond the Wall”

August 24, 2017

Episode 6: To Catch a Wight

Episode 6: Exposition Winter March

Episode 6: Hardhome 2: Home Harder

This entire episode was stupid decisions and ridiculous plotting with a dose of dragons and speed.  The long shots were gorgeous, and there were small moments that I truly enjoyed, but oh my word was this a hot stupid mess.  Also why doesn’t anyone wear hats??? It is cold, ear frostbite is no joke, and you lose a lot of heat through your head I JUST HAVE QUESTIONS, OKAY?

Ernest Shackleton and the Breakfast Club, part one

We do not deserve Tormund.  Except maybe Brienne.  I was so pleased with his scare-the-hetero teasing of Gendry (yes I know he’s talking about bears, it was still funny), and his beard has somehow gotten more magnificent, and I realize that I am completely arbitrary in my “this minor character matters to me” moments, but holy God do I love Tormund.  I also appreciate him repping for the Wildlings, who we’ve kiiiiind of forgotten about, despite their being most at risk to lose everything.  And as much as I am on the SS Jaimienne, since the show has decided to torch his redemption arc, Brienne needs someone good to her.  And then he talks to Sandor about her and Sandor talks about her kinda like he loves her too because EVERYONE LOVES BRIENNE.  SHE IS PERFECT AND SO IS GWEN I’m so sorry she’s not perfect but I do love her I’m okay, I’m okay.

I started shrieking when Jon was like “here have Longclaw” because WHAT. WHAT ON EARTH.  Just because you both have daddy issues out the wazoo does not mean you hand over the VALYRIAN STEEL SWORD GIVEN TO YOU BY A DEAD MAN to his WORTHLESS SLAVING SON.  100% certain Jeor Mormont woulda pulled a “I am from the North and shall swing the sword” on Jorah and executed him, Jeor don’t play, and you’re just going to hand over the sword that Jeor gave to *you* specifically because his son sucks?  Jon.  Jonny.  Jon-boy.  You stop that right now.  That is stupid do-gooding at a level that even Ned Stark from beyond the grave is like “that’s a little much.”

The one part I did kind of like was Beric talking to Jon.  This wasn’t even necessarily because the two of them have some kind of deep bond, it was solely because I was low-key captivated watching the only two people (we’re not doing the Stoneheart thing, guys) who have been brought back talk to each other.  They’re both varying degrees of dead, and they both, in some ways, seem to long for death (Beric more overtly, but Jon somewhat through his actions, in a Ned Stark way), and while I really thought this was going to be the setup for Beric’s actual death, this was a hell of a scene.  What is Beric’s purpose, what’s Jon’s?  What are Jon’s physical restrictions after being brought back (Beric is limping, and not well, and scarred, and gah, can Jon have kids, even if he wanted to?) I don’t even know if the writing was super solid for this scene, since no lines really stand out, but I’m glad this atrocious plot let these two talk to each other.

Have any of y’all seen the Paul Walker and dogs vehicle Eight Below?  (Stay with me.) It features Paul Walker’s face and huskies and malamutes, so I don’t know why you wouldn’t have seen it, but there is a part of the film where the doggos are looking for meat on this gross dead whale, and they’re looking at this hole in the gross dead whale, and out of nowhere A MOTHERFUCKING SEAL POPS ITS ADORABLE VICIOUS HEAD OUT AND I SCREAMED and that’s basically what I did with Zombie Polar Bear.  No thank you.  Also if your character doesn’t have a name or any lines don’t go after The Undead Yogi or you will die horribly.

Also somewhere there is a climate change denier who is like “see? polar bears are fine, they can just be kinda dead”

Arya and Sansa: The First Trashpile

As much as I hate “I am just going outside and may be some time: The Plot” (please someone get my dorktastic reference), I hate this plot exponentially more.  Hatred to the stars and back.  Like…I might hate this plot more than I hate Daario.  I KNOW.  But I really don’t think I’m exaggerating.  I’m so mad, you guys, just SO FLIPPIN’ MAD.

Of course, I realize that Arya and Sansa were never close.  Of course, they have both Seen Some Shit since they last spoke.  Of course, this was not going to be a giant happy reunion.  But why can we not have them talk to each other, possibly hash this out in some way, write some difficult dialogue, and move forward?  We’ve reduced them to two-dimensional caricatures of pettiness, and their lines are directly from the mouths of the most aggressive, unnecessary stans.  Like we’re really gonna have Arya talking about how Sansa was just chilling in a pretty dress while they cut Ned’s head off?  That’s really the issue here? And as much as I like Sansa, I really didn’t need her to say that Arya couldn’t have survived what she went through. 1. I disagree, although Arya would’ve handled it differently she would have lived, probs and 2. SHE WOULDN’T SAY THAT, IT’S SO PETTY. She sat through marriage to Ramsay but Arya throws the gentle shade of a thin leaf on a cloudy day and suddenly Sansa is like NUH UH, I’M *SO* TOUGHER.  This debate has been raging on message boards for years and I’m not here for it and I’m not here for fanfiction discussing it.  And then to put the discarded Big Gulp container on top of this trashpile of a plot, Sansa goes to Baelish for advice.  I have some questions, like, have you ever met a human being before? She hates him, we all hate him, why does he sound like he has half of a hardboiled egg in his mouth that he’s not allowed to chew *shrieking for days*

Dragonstone

lol she called Kit short which he is I love it ugh he’s so cute and you could carry him around in your pocket

This scene with Dany and Tyrion was like, 30% cool, 70% annoying.  I did enjoy Tyrion sassing Dany about Jon looking at her intensely because he desires a strong military alliance, which – bro, that is actually a very Jon thing to do, he absolutely *would* stare at her for that.  However, as much as this was a fun line, are we really going to sit here and be like “tee hee do u like me check yes or no” God I miss Barristan.  I reeeeeally miss Barristan.

Additionally, I don’t think this was the right episode to bring up Dany’s legacy, nor do I think it would have been this much of a problem for Dany, but I’m glad we had this conversation.  Who the heck is gonna be your successor, boo?  Like I get that the dragons are your children buuuuuut we will never be roooooyals so who is next, bud.  That’s the 30% I liked.

The 70% I didn’t was because Dany is being stupid, and not like, in-character stupid, which she is, sometimes, but just plain stupid.  We’re really still wondering about Tyrion’s allegiance, really? “This is your family, are you just conspiring against me” boo he hates them and you literally called up a witch to heal Jason Momoa so don’t talk to me about doing dumb stuff for family you hate.  And also how you gonna get mad at him for asking this?  It’s a legitimate question, especially since you insist on flying your dragons everywhere all the time and could definitely die and for you to be like “we will discuss this after I sit the Iron Throne” DOES NO ONE ON THIS SHOW MAKE CONTINGENCY PLANS I HATE THIS.

Ernest Shackleton and the Breakfast Club, part 2

Oh look there’s like 20 of them, just walkin’, where we already know there’s like tens of thousands of them, how lucky and not at all portentous for us, let’s wrap this one up and go hom-OH SHIT

Was there a single viewer who didn’t call this?  Like this was inherently the worst idea in the world and then it became even dumber because they fell into the most obvious trap in the world WHAT IS THIS STUPID, STUPID PLOT.  Why is Gendry best at running?  He’s literally never seen snow but yeah sure let’s send him back.  And then Thoros dies because… okay yeah he was injured but did no one wanna check on his status overnight or??? Like that is a Rose Dewitt-Bukater move and I will not stand for it.  And then Sandor just launches a rock??? at the zombies???? WHY???? Sandor is a shit but he’s not stupid but now he’s stupid???  No it’s fine definitely test your Now Starting for the Brewers with an ERA of like 5,000.82 is THE HOUND fuck this plot fuck that rock he threw fuck this lake fuck this stupid stupid plot.

Gendry “Mo Farah” Waters (that is a track and field joke, kids, go look this guy up, I’m trying to use a name of a runner who runs the appropriate distance, you been told) gets back to the Wall and Davos has just been like, drinking cocoa and waiting for this to blow up in their faces and then Gendry gasps out A RAVEN which is… super helpful and then they find a Westerosi peregrine falcon or some shit who is the true hero of this plot and goes above and beyond his avian duty to help out the dumbest bunch of doofuses this landmass has ever seen and gets to Dragonstone and is like CAW CAW, BITCH, GET YOUR MITTENS ON and Dany comes out wearing what is objectively a fly af winter coat that I adore and hops on Drogon who obviously won’t be the sacrificial lamb today (can people who watch the show name the other dragons?  Like this isn’t a bookwank question, I just feel like they never mention the other two) and flies all three dragons (why? we couldn’t leave one at home??? No by all means let’s risk a medieval Battle of Midway for no goddamn strategic reason other than Jon’s abs) up to the Northern Water Tribe to fuck shit up and die.

BY RIGHTS WE SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE

Then the show goes and stresses me out by making it look like Tormund is gonna bite it and like how dare u???? and then Dany shows up on Snoop Droggy-Drog and fucks up all of Lake-town and AGAIN, WHY ARE WE HERE??? There was no reason for this plot to exist; it is terrible, awful, garbage plotting and we killed a dragon just because we could.  Was the CGI a hell of a shot? Yes.  Was there any nuance at *all* to any of this? None.  Zero. Dem Boyz started off this season with “what if we killed a dragon?” and built everything around that *sUPeR rAdIcAL* idea.  I haaaaaate this.  GRRM, bless his heart, knows how to write a slow burn.  If anything, he can get *too* into the weeds on some things (Meereen and working through the Riverlands come to mind…mostly Meereen) and as frustrated as we get with him, we *want* this stuff.  No, maybe we don’t need 80 characters’ names and their bannermen but we want some time and thought put into the plot.  Jon has no reason to be up there, his merry band of ragtag idiots shouldn’t be up there, no one should have supported him, and no dragons should be there.  This is just bad writing, and I’m not saying that the Others could never kill a dragon – they might!  That might be a thing that happens!  But let’s get there in a way that makes some sense in-world.  This is a series that has shone most when it is saying “what if plot armor disappeared and good and evil are hazier” and this season has mostly thrown that out and I’m UH-NOYED.

I was pretty mad on Twitter about the script and a dude who doesn’t follow me got mad about *my* getting mad about the script and legit quote-tweeted me and said “well why don’t you write one” and sometimes, the internet is just great

He also thought I was a dude because my AVI is Jon gosh darn do I love the internet

And then, of course, we have “what if Ashton Eaton were in Frozen” as a plot device, we lose a dragon (who later gets dragged out of the water with chains WHERE DID THE CHAINS COME FROM), Dany is like *Kate Winslet voice* “Jon… Jon, there’s a boat” and Jon is like nnnnnnaahhhhh and STAYS ON THE GROUND TO KEEP FIGHTING THESE GUYS WHY like yes Jon has a consistent self-sacrifice-boner but this is stupid even for him and then WHOOOOSH goes the rescue dragon and CLANG goes the plot armor onto Mr. Snow and he falls in the lake but like the Right Proper Lad he is he comes back out and then BENJEN IS THERE BECAUSE????

 

*Niall Horan voice*

Cold, Coldhaaaands /

Like plot droppin’ off the edge of nonsense / 

No, no chaaaaance /

That I’m leavin’ here on that same horsie

You do not make Joseph Mawle keep that beard for 7 years to treat him like this, you do NOT

This was so badddddd uugggghhh like guys I have seen several Sharknado movies and there was less deus ex machina in them

Okay that is an outright lie BUT IT IS GETTING CLOSE

Whatever the opposite of Mayweather v. Macgregor is

No one wants to see this fight you manipulative uncreative douchebags

Sophie and especially Maisie acting the hell out of this scene with its trash lines

I really do appreciate the cast of this show for all the work they do – even the actors that I think are towards the bottom of the list (Emilia – I’m so sorry boo but I don’t always love what you do) still are like, well above-average, and I am rarely mad at them – they don’t get to edit their scripts.

A million pardons to my long-suffering husband during this scene, because I was just basically chanting “buuuuuullshit, buuuuullllshit” like a drunk Packers fan throughout this whole scene, and I lost it when I thought Arya was gonna stab Sansa.  WHY. WOULD. THAT. HAPPEN. Arya, go find Jon.  Help Sansa.  Kill Littlefinger. Spar with Brienne some more. Hide Bran’s weed.  Do literally ANYTHING THAT MAKES SENSE.

I

AM

SO

ANGRY

GAH

The SS Jonaerys

Again, tiny moment I liked: Kit saying he’s sorry to Dany

As much as the past 3 seasons have been a bit of a mess for Jon’s plotting, they’ve resulted in some really nice moments for Kit, who I maintain and have maintained is a genuinely great actor who is trying his damnedest to bring this character to life.  And Emilia actually did quite great here as well, in terms of conveying what the writers wanted her to convey.  They’re reading their lines correctly, and we’re feeling sad and uplifted and weirdly pro-incest because they’re doing a heck of a job, but this is not what the lines should be.  Dany is really just super psyched that she knows what she’s up against, Others-wise?  I ain’t buying it.  This girl lost her shit in Qarth when her dragons went missing and I am 0% buying it that she wants in Jon’s 28-inch inseam pants bad enough to be like “no biggie, sometimes you gotta lose dragons to make dragons, ya feel?” I DO NOT FEEL.  I’m also not super involved with this ship, mostly because I think Jon is still too dead inside (like both from Ygritte and from, y’know, the dying thing) to love anyone else, and I think Dany would see Jon as an appealing ally but not her sun and stars.  I’m just not having it, but I’m fully aware that everyone else wants them to bang like real bad and I’m aware that I’m just grumpy and ready to hate things quickly.

My personal favorite panel from Chrys Reviews this week

And now on Sunday we’re on the last episode, and some garbage is gonna happen, including, I’m guessing, Euron, and I am V V GRUMPY. THE GRUMPIEST.

The only thing I am hoping for is a heartstrings-tugging Brienne and Jaime moment.  Just give me this, show.  You owe me.