Better national anthem options

With all of this discussion around kneeling during the National Anthem, I’ve had plenty of time to sit and think about a lot of things, like “why is it disrespectful to kneel at a flag but not disrespectful to extrajudicially murder a black man” and “yes, Trump is bad, but Kaepernick started this protest while Obama was president so to take the goal of this protest and pivot it seems like bad form” and “oh God this waking nightmare is real isn’t it” and eventually land on “the National Anthem ain’t even that great.”  Guys.  I’m not kidding.  Our country’s national anthem is an unnecessarily difficult, melodically mediocre drinking song in 3/4 time (why, whyyyyy) that strikes fear into the heart of listeners and, tbh, anyone who isn’t Whitney Houston.  It ain’t all that and a bag of chips. (Her version can stay.) Also FSK owned slaves and suppressed abolitionists and I’m not like, thrilled, exactly, to be pushing his poetry.

Let’s pick out a better one, shall we?

• God Bless America
  • Ehhhhh
    • It’s better, but not great
    • Definitely an improvement over our current one melodically (let’s keep it simple, okay?) but our revolution will not be gentle, let’s do even more
      • Also you will always have a ton of kids and maybe adults singing from the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans, white with snow
        • Yes I know it’s foam, not snow, but I heard “white” and extrapolated
        • Yes “maybe adults” means me, yes, I do this, okay, shut up
• This Land Is Your Land
  • TLIYL can hang, it’s got some pep, it’s good for the kiddies
    • This land was made for you and me!
    • Like, don’t think about it too much because then you start getting into “okay but Alaska and Hawaii”
      • And then you also start getting into “ooohhhhhhkay unless you’re Native this land was perrrrhaps not made for you and me”
        • Okay wait maybe this song is out
• My Country Tis of Thee
  • Somewhere England is like I THINK NOT
  • Also a better option, it’s got a sweet little melody which is pretty easy
  • Downside is after the third line everyone is like “okay are we…oh, not yet? How about nowOHNO THEY WENT ALREADY LAAAAAND WHEEEEEERE OUUUUURRRR” and it’s a bit of a mess
    • Also, of course, someone will be like “we did not say eff you to King George to make people confused at the Olympics when they play our anthem MURRICA”
  • This one wouldn’t work for me either because I’d be singing the Eddie Izzard version
    • God attack the Queen
      • Send big dogs after her
        • That bite her bum
• Battle Hymn of the Republic
  • Okay, I *like* this song, fight me
    • It is jaunty and clips along at a nice pace and yes okay it is like DESTROY YOUR ENEMIES but in a happy kinda march-y way?
      • “He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored” is punk rock and I will die on this hill a little
  • Also heyyy this is to the tune of “John Brown’s Body” and the author, Julia Ward Howe, was an abolitionist (absolutely not a perfect one but still) and an early suffragette and used by the Union in the Civil War and just generally better than Francis Scott Key
  • Also super fun to watch people try to figure out how to breathe and have the first “glory, glory Hallelujah!” be a breathy mess because people were like “nah, I know how air works” and their lungs are like “FAKE NEWS” and you just gotta stagger this if you’re in a chorus
  • Also, okay, there’s a Whitney version of this song where she goes HAM and it is delightful
• America, the Beautiful
  • Objectively the best choice, I don’t make the rules, it just is the best one
  • This song is stunning – it’s like a gorgeous hymn to our country written with intervals that make sense and it is doable for a singer without going bonkers over-the-top
  • Also the lyrics are where it is at, yo
    • Yeah, *let’s* crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to flippin’ shining sea
      • I am very pro-“let us be together as family” rather than “let us triumphantly trample the foe” in general and this song is great about that
        • Also yeahhh Katharine Lee Bates, cool lady who was a professor at Wellesley and lived with another lady for 25 years
    • And the second verse??? YES
      • America! America! / God mend thine ev’ry flaw / Confirm thy soul in self-control / Thy liberty in law!”
        • America, you’re doing *amazing* sweetie
• Stars and Stripes Forever
  • JAY P. ESS HECK YES
  • I hatehatehate playing marches because they are the worst for horn players but Sousa knew what the heck he was doing and this march is great and he is great and all the branches of the military agree
  • “wait, but isn’t this already the official military march of the United States?” IT *IS*, DEAR READER
    • Yes I realize you didn’t say that because who knows that but still, it’s just one step up to just get to the actual anthem
      • First step pizza, second step flaming batons
  • No there aren’t lyrics which is fine tbh
  • You know what? I’d be fine with Manhattan Beach
    • Let’s Sousa until we can’t Sousa anymore
• Party in the USA
  • It’s cute how you snorted and think I’m kidding, this could be the new national anthem
    • This is a very high-quality song and I am 100% willing to die on this hill
  • What a universal feeling, guys
    • Who among us hasn’t put their hands up, because they are playing our song
      • Who among us hasn’t nodded their head like yeah
        • Or moved our hips like yeah
  • Put this song on at basically any event (a baby shower? a faculty meeting? a pyramid scheme sales pitch in a Starbucks where everyone listening in is super uncomfortable? NOT ANYMORE) and people will be SO FLIPPIN’ HAPPY
• Pitbull’s The Anthem
  • MISTER WORLDWIDE
    • Okay perhaps on those grounds alone this is not a great option for a national anthem
• Good Charlotte’s The Anthem
  • THROW ALL YOUR HANDS UP
• Carly Rae Jepsen’s Cut to the Feeling
  • idk it’s just a really good song
    • There’s no good joke here, I just really like Miss Carly Rae
      • CANCEL YOUR RESERVATIONS