*grins with delight and digs in*
Also quick Emmys thing: Lena you perfect thing you deserved this, Maisie you’re great but idkkkk especially not this season with your silly billy ploy, Peter Dinklage???? and OMG KIT, YES. Kit has been killing this frequently sad-sack writing role for years and he deserves it. Sophie Turner needed one, though.
Shoutout to whoever did the music for this episode, you kiiiiiiilled it. Like 2005’s Pride and Prejudice except in a minor key with murder in our hearts.
This freakin’ first twenty minutes, tho. My God. I was in from the second Cersei’s outfit went Kill ‘Em With the Shoulders/Mockingjay and it just got better. Loras’ confession was actually kind of difficult to watch, perhaps because marriage equality is celebrating one year, but dang, boo, you sold that performance. Also I get that you have to carve the thing in his head but could we not get him like a Band-Aid after he’s confessed? That’s just unnecessary. My heart also broke for Margaery, because she thought she was keeping her brother safe, and she wasn’t, and ahhhh 🙁 🙁 🙁
Also Willas Tyrell, somewhere in the distance: “hey there I’m the heir”
Thank you to Pycelle, who had our last Unnamed Boobs sighting of the season (we get it he’s gross why, why you gotta…*sigh*). Could have done with about one thousand percent less of the creepy children. Creepy children with knives. Creepy children who Et tu, Brute’d an old man preeeeetty horrifically. Like, you gotta make the kids do that, Dr. Frankenstein? Seriously? Why? There is not enough Westerosi therapy in the world for those kids, and your literal day job is making patchwork slaughterzombies, so maybe next time *you* stab him.
Then there’s Lancel, whose fraternity pledging has seen better weeks, getting extra-crispy but the green reflected nicely in his eyes
This was…wow. I did not see it coming until it was there, and while I know people were calling bullshit on Margaery figuring it out, I actually felt it was pretty reasonable. She has always been legitimately smart, and I’m sorry to see her character go, especially in the highest neckline we’ve ever seen her in. This was some serious, serious shit, it was very very Cersei, and I loved it. I loved it, I thought it was genius, I thought the tension was perfectly played, and just…damn, show. You did good work. Blackwater looked better but daytime is hard, CGI folks, I feel ya.
So, Tommen. I did not expect this at all. This little dude is like the child of Colbie Callait’s discography and a kitten and just. Umf. Idk. I also got very nerdragey like “the fuck kinda line of succession is this” but Andrew pointed out that she’s not like “according to laws I am queen” she’s like “according to death I am queen do you wanna fight me no you don’t” I get it, and it is an interesting twist, and yes the Maggy prophecy, and yes, Tommen was almost certainly not going to last forever, but it just seemed…off. I’m settling in to accepting Cersei’s reaction: each of her children’s deaths seems to affect her less, and perhaps that was the goal, but I’m not sure she ever truly accepted that prediction as the truth, so I’m surprised she wasn’t more affected, especially by Tommen, who was not objectively evil.
But anyway. Lena Headey. The dress. The wine. “Shame. Shame. Shame.” That bell crushing people while she’s standing there smiling like “I got 99 problems but a sept ain’t one” and like, Kevan Lannister is in there, and the High Sparrow, and Mace Tyrell, and just… damn, Daniel. At it *again.* It is also a perfectly Cersei move in that it ends all of her immediate problems while completely fucking her for the future.
I loved it, I loved it, all the way up through Jaime’s “goddamit I leave for FIVE MINUTES and everything falls apar- honey? Honey, what happened to the…hooooly shit. okay. Ohhhhkay.” Someone also pointed out to me that Jaime became the Kingslayer when he tried to prevent a ruling monarch from…burning down the city. Gah. GAHHHH.
Beyond the Wall
Hi Benjen (Coldhands?)
Well done, bringing back an actor from Season 1 (who is still pretty fly for wight guy, still would tbh) who I guess had to keep his facial hair like that for a while? Anyway, Bran is still kinda the worst, Meera is still the glue that holds literally everything together, and OH THAT’S RIGHT WE GOT THE ENDING TO THE TOWER OF JOY MY HEART. MY HEART, GUYS. MY HEART IS FALLING TO PIECES PICK THEM UP NED PATRICK HARRIS PROMISE ME.
I do absolutely wish they had kept this as one single cut scene (not split it between episodes) but you know what? They did the thing and it was lovely and I teared up and y’all can stay, Thrones. That’ll do, pig.
Cry. ing. laugh. ing. for DAYS
Olenna saying what we all wanted to say
“the fuck is this? the fuck is you?”
Also did she call her Barbaro? Like, the beloved late racehorse? I’m not opposed I just wanted to be sure
I love her so much, this plot is still a trashpile, can we still not coordinate accents for the brown people, Varys can apparently Apparate, black looks good on the Queen of Thorns, I miss Oberyn, this plot is a trashpile, where is Arianne, can we spend more time acting and writing than landscaping, this plot is a trashpile
Also I am still mad that they labeled Sunspear “Dorne”
hey guys winter’s here get out ur coats n stuff
Samwell you precious being too good for this world, carrying the world’s worst-concealed sword and bringing an actual woman and baby into the Thunderdome, adorably talking to the librarian who is the Most Done, telling this old dude that yeah sorry everyone you thought you knew is dead here’s a note from my mom. Jon Snow is Sam’s mom. He is.
Sam then goes on to do his best Belle impression and in that moment I swear we were infinite I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
No one grins like Samwell/ no one wins like Samwell/ no one’s brushing aside carnal sins like Samwell
Also I legit forgot that the Citadel decides if it’s winter so I was like “birds??? for??? oh, oh RIGHT” Birds from the Ivory Weather Channel
FREY PIE WE GOT THE FREY PIE
So kids if you haven’t read the books, this isn’t really a spoiler, just a…thing? idk. Anyway, a northern lord (not Arya) gets understandably pissed at Walder Frey, the world’s most disgusting grandfather, and legit cuts up some of his sons and serves them to him. We don’t see it but it is discussed and it’s basically canon like how the Tower of Joy is canon and I am apparently a bloodthirsty monster because I was like YESSSSS IT’S THE PIESSSS. It’s very Titus Andronicus except dirtier and no Mrs. Norris. So yeah, the pie thing. Heh, heh.
This was a cool scene to see played out, but it seemed pretty fan-service-y for not much reason, and also why can some people travel quickly and others *ahemSam* take a whole season to go the same distance? I would just like some consistency in my entirely made-up world OKAY. I wasn’t a big fan of Arya’s whole plot line, especially the part where A Man Has No Qualms About Letting a Revenge Monster Go Into the World. There’s gotta be like, a better system. Why would she be able to beat the Waif, why do they just let her go, etc etc. I also saw someone saying that watching Arya smile while a man bled to death from the neck was “a scary turn” for her character and I gotta disagree there. She’s been morally questionable and violent from day one. She has a *hit list.* Grab ya Glocks when you see Arya Stark.
Hi. Davos. Crying for days. Months. Possibly forever. Whoever is writing for Liam Cunningham is amazing, Liam Cunningham is perfect, and this sceeeeeene. Davos’ friendship with Shireen was one of the few shining lights in this whole disaster saga, and the show murdered her, and Davos found out, because of course he did.
Melisandre’s line about of course she burned her, but so did her father, and so did her mother, was a really good line if you accept the premise that Stannis would burn Shireen which I don’t because I’m a Stan-nis and nope. But let’s pretend for a moment. Davos just rushing through all of his feelings about Shireen means he’s also rushing through all his feelings about Stannis, and telling Melisandre that he was not the Prince that was Promised is some heavyyyy shitttttt. He’s not even confronting the fact that Stannis is dead, it’s that he wasn’t even good. DAVOS. MY HEART. Show Davos is sassier than book Davos and a bit more light-hearted and tbh I actually really like it and so when he says “she was good, and kind, and you killed her” I’M CRYING FOREVER. Seriously this scene made me a mess and it was very, very necessary.
Then there’s Jon and Sansa who I will gladly watch being freaking ADORABLE for the next decade my tiny precious babies with snow in their hair omgggg. I’m still not sold on the JonBun but the SansaBraid can stay. And to the show’s credit, I could not entirely get a good read on how they ended their relationship in this episode. Is Sansa mad? Is Jon unsure? Can we just put Lyanna Mormont in charge? Is there time? (just kidding OR AM I). The whole “The King in the North” thing was about as subtle as a Theon-instigated beheading (look it’s like ROBB remember how THAT WORKED OUT) but it still warmed my frozen heart and I definitely want to see how this plays out, especially when Jon gets up and is like “now that you’re all my servants no take-backsies THERE ARE A LOTTTT OF ICE ZOMBIES”
Littlefinger has got to go. I don’t know why they didn’t just let Aiden Gillen talk how he talks, but he always sounds like he has a patch of wool on the roof of his mouth, and his lines are garbage. He is a mustache-twirling, creep-talking skinny-ass douchebag in a shiny bathrobe and he’s been bugging me from day 1. I don’t know if the writers are like “he’s the most mysterious of allllll the characters look how *interesting*” but his plot is no, his face is no, his lines is no, you need to let it Snow. “Chaos isn’t a pit, chaos is a ladder” oh FUCK OFF this is a terrible speech, you’re terrible, Sansa isn’t taking you to the prom go AWAY. I saw someone on the internet say something about how Sansa looking at Petyr while the room is chanting “The King in the North” is significant because she might be plotting with him now that the room chose Jon over her. I’m not buying it. That stare was less “let’s plot” and more “I wish I had Matila Wormwood powers and could make your death by stabbing look like an accident.”
Anyway Winter is Here and I’m excited to see what’s going on. Really just needed some Brienne and Tormund.
Okay let’s get the requisite stuff out of the way – WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE WESTEROS, FINALLY. Bay of Dragons is not subtle. We apparently had to paint every single boat and sail, which explains why it’s taken a thousand years to start the journey. I appreciate the show’s commitment to “let’s just hand Tyrion things he marginally deserves” (get it, *Hand* him things?… I’ll show myself out), and while I’m interested to see where this goes, that pin belongs to Barristan Selmy you jerkfaces. BARRISTAN DESERVED BETTER okay okay okay I’m back, I’m okay
then, this show did the best thing that could ever happen to me
This was the best thing that has ever happened to me on this entire stupid show. I could not contain my glee because this was the best. goddamn. moment. ever.
Dany’s “boy, bye” speech and the ensuing conversation was like Christmas and my birthday and passing the bar all wrapped into one glorious moment. It was cookie dough ice cream. It was warm towels on your lap right out of the dryer. It was raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. I’m smiling right now as I write this. You better call Daario with the blue hair.
First of all, we know that she’s dumping him because she’s gonna date Asha/Yara (I have named this ship the Iron Fleet and I am BOARDED) ANYWAY
Daario, if Game of Thrones characters were TV shows, you would be Two and a Half Men plus The Big Bang Theory plus some other show that we’re supposed to like but fucking sucks I don’t even know you stupid stupid generic-ass triflin’-ass not-good-enough-for-the-Warcraft-movie-ass-lookin’ Jorah 2.0 without the pretty neckscarf or “tragic” backstory you got SCHOOLED and it was the most beautiful thing of all time. She tells you she needs you to stay in Meereen to make sure it doesn’t collapse. Somewhere in your “if we were in America my name would be Matt and I’d be wearing khakis” brain, you must remember swearing your life to her. She is dumping you to go be queen, and understandably so. Your reaction is a slightly more elegant version of “SCUZE ME MISS CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND YOU A GODDESS…what you can’t say hello back? whatever bitch u ugly anyway.” Like, seriously, “I hope you enjoy your throne”? Mr. Daario, sir, did you think the whole Seven Kingdoms thing was her side chick that was fun to mess around with while pursuing her true goal of Netflix and chill forever with your dusty fuckboy ass? How did you *think* this was gonna end? If you answered “in a way that will make Christina giggle for weeks when she thinks about it” YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR.
This scene was my equivalent of Bill Pullman’s Independence Day speech. hashtag blessed
This season did some really good work. There was a noticeable drop in terrible things happening to women, and they got to do some stuff that seemed actually reasonable. I also did so much better watching this show when there’s no books to compare it to. I’m here for next season, and I will be hoping and praying for Tormienne to take off like the precious flock of doves it is. Brienne x Tormund forever