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The heavier stuff

Fifty Shades of maybe don’t go see this movie

February 6, 2015

I needed to write this because it’s important, and I also need to write this because Facebook has decided that the Vermont Teddy Bear Company’s Christian Grey teddy bear is appropriate advertising for me and I want you all to suffer with me.

LOOK AT ITS EYES. LOOK AT ITS FUCKING EYES WHY DOES THIS EXIST

In case you care, this post has spoilers for the whole series.

I’m getting this post out before the movie comes out, because I’d like you to seriously reconsider going to see Fifty Shades of Grey.  By the end of this post, I hope I’ll have given you some very good reasons to not go see it.  By “very good reasons,” I do not mean “Jaime Dornan is #NotMyChristian.” Also, I do not mean that I personally thought the original book was really poorly written (which I do, in fact, think, just for the record.  It’s so bad.  It’s so, so bad.)  Also, I do not mean that I do not understand the attraction of watching this movie in a large room with a group of people who are also watching this movie and gahhhh uncomfortable just thinking about it ahhhh NO I DON’T UNDERSTAND.  But people can watch things I don’t like!  Even ones about sex!  That’s totally fine.  I’ve tried watching Friends a bunch of different times, and it just doesn’t take.  This does not mean that people should not watch this movie.

It’s also super not chill that people are tearing this thing apart because “it’s mommy porn.”  Women, even mothers, are allowed to run their own sex lives, including reading romance novels and watching their adaptations.  Jenny Trout, an absolutely amazing author and blogger, discusses this in her recaps of every single chapter of all of these books, which you can and should read here.  No, don’t stay away from this movie because it won’t be good; stay away because it’s demonstrably bad.

1. The book is plagiarism.
Okay, yes, fanfiction happens, no matter how much we’d like to pretend it didn’t.  I ended up in an internet wormhole one time and read about 50 pages’ worth of One Direction fanfiction.  …There is no justification in this, only shame, and please at least be proud that I stopped, okay?  And this is not to beat up on the quality of the book by saying that it’s fanfiction: there is a whole host of well-written fanfiction (and in the case of Jane Austen, an entire industry).

However.  This series of three books was begun as Master of the Universe, by Snowqueens Icedragon.  (I cannot in good faith mock her screenname, because duuuuude I would have been ALL OVER THAT at like 14-15 like are you serious ICEDRAGON??? hell YES)  Christian is Edward, Ana is Bella, BDSM is vampirism, etc etc.  She and her publishers have repeatedly said that MotU and 50SoG are different works, but if you run ’em through a standard “did this student plagiarize” thingy, it’ll pop out with 89% similarity.  If you run anything important in the book through a standard “why the hell does this sound so familiar to Twilight” brain comparison, it’s probably like 97%.  Yes, the author still made up her own “plot” “points” and yes every bit of literature is inspired by other literature and yes it would be really hard to make out a full copyright case but ughhhh do we really want to reward this?  And not just reward it, let it sell a book every two seconds, which, in fact, was the rate at which the series was selling at its zenith.

2. The series is hugely judgmental of others’ sex lives, particularly those who practice BDSM.
(not The Others’ sex lives.  I’m assuming they don’t have them?  Sorry if I’m wrong, White Walkers you get down with your bad selves)
This book is not a how-to about BDSM.  It’s more of a how-not-to.  It is stated over and over in the series that Christian is only into his type of sex (“my tastes are very…singular” ughughugh) because he’s broken, and that his sexual preferences are evidence of his damage.

This picture came up when I searched that quote and now I can’t stop laughing

We’re told he was abandoned in a horrific way as a kid, and then one of his adoptive mother’s friends made him her submissive when he was a teenager. So now this is all he does.  He doesn’t like anything but his own “kinky fuckery” (this is a legitimate phrase that happens in this series more than once and I’m sorry for making you read it but IF I HAVE TO SUFFER, SO DO YOU.)  Ana tries repeatedly to basically love him to wellness, which means no submission, no Red Room of Pain, no other ridiculously mild forms of bondage.  Seriously, guys, if anyone is scandalized by the sex in these books, just shut down Frederick’s of Hollywood and like, music videos.  There is nothing scandalous in here.  And that’s ME saying this.

There are a billion things wrong with Christian Grey and with Christian and Ana’s relationship, but the BDSM aspects are exactly none of them.  People who enjoy this type of sex, and literally any other type of consensual sex, are not broken, or damaged, or scandalous.  They’re just some people who like a thing, and to act like there’s something wrong with the way consenting adults choose to have sex (and especially to imply that only screwed up people like BDSM) is unacceptable.

3. Ana, the heroine, is horrible to every other woman.
This is not a person you want to emulate in any way.  Remember in the Twilight movies, where everyone was inexplicably nice to Bella even though she seemed like not interested in literally any of their own lives/problems/anything except Edward?  Ana is the same way, except somehow worse, and there is no Anna Kendrick to sweep in and be sassy.  She ignores or discards every friend she has, up to and including being annoyed by their enthusiasm to talk to her.  She describes any questions asked of her by her best friend, Kate, as “the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition.”  Gurl, this is your friend asking you shit about your life, can u not.

The worse part, though, is her absolute disdain for every other woman who looks at Christian for a second, in particular blondes and women who wear more makeup than she does.  She gives them little derisive nicknames in her head, like “Miss European Pigtails,” “Miss Flushing Crimson,” “Miss Very Short Hair and Red Lipstick,” and my personal favorite, “Miss Hotpants,” for a hostess at a nightclub who wears them as part of her goddamn uniform.  This dude is the epitome of male beauty but if any woman looks at him “for longer than strictly necessary” (an actual Ana original, right there), bitch hold my earrings because you do not look at my man like that.

I get it: I spent portions of my life being angry at women prettier than me, but I don’t get how it is still A Thing past the age of like, 16 to be angry at women who wear makeup and look nice and might be attracted to the same person you are.  E.L James is (in theory?) a grown-ass woman, her heroine is 22 at the beginning of the book, and both should know better.  Ana is absolutely insufferable and horrible to those around her, and it is really freaking hard to dredge up any sympathy for her.

However, I do sympathize with her, because this leads me to the most important one –

4. The hero is abusive.
This is not in any kind of shades of grey.  This is black and white, textbook-case, completely clear abuse.

The first big romantic gesture in the book is Christian tracking Ana’s phone to discover she’s at a bar, and he shows up to the bar, fends off a different guy, Ana passes out, and then he takes Ana with him to his hotel.  This is not romantic, this is not sweet, I don’t care that he fought off another guy who was trying to attack her, he tracked a woman’s phone and took her unconscious body to a second location.  And that’s just the beginning.

Here’s some key points from a list you may recognize.

  • You feel uncomfortable about something he has said, or done, and the feeling remains
  • You make excuses for his character or minimize his behavior
  • You tell your friends you are “unsure about the relationship”
  • You think no one else in his life understands him
  • You sense he is pushing too quickly for an emotional connection with you
  • You notice he quickly discloses information about his past or present emotional pain
  • You wish he would go away, you want to cry, and you want to run away from him
  • You feel bad about yourself when you are around him

This is a list of red flags meant to be used when you or someone you care about is potentially in an abusive relationship, and these are all things Ana either says or thinks during the course of the books, multiple times.  She is regularly afraid of him, and is worried that he’ll be mad over things like a male friend calling her cellphone: something she has no control over.  She tries to get in with his therapist so she can help fix him with love, or something.  She tells both her mother and her best friend, in tears, that she’s scared.   And the BDSM component of their relationship?  Ana repeatedly describes what they do as “he hit me” or “he hurt me,” and Christian uses it as an excuse to threaten horrific things, up to and including threatening to “beat the shit out of her” because he’s angry with her.

This is not BDSM, this is not love, this is not admirable.  This is abuse, and many, MANY women have come forward to say this; they say their abusers acted like Christian Grey.  The fact that he has a fucking helicopter and pretty hair does not make him a Billionaire Bad Boy, they make him a terrible human with a ton of money.

The worst worst part?  E.L. James has dismissed survivors who have contacted her to let her know that her book describes an abusive relationship.  She has said she does not see what she’s written as abuse.  This is not negotiable, she is wrong, and she is now also a billionaire of being wrong.

Maybe the movie won’t be like this, but then the movie wouldn’t be Fifty Shades of Grey, and judging by the trailer, it will be.

“Okay, so what if I want to actually see it now?  You can’t stop me from doing that, and the movie’s going to make money anyway!”
You’re completely right!  I cannot stop you from going, and this damn thing with its inexplicably good soundtrack??? (Twilight is to Muse what 50SoG is to Beyonce????) is gonna make a gazillion dollars no matter what you do.  The two things I’ve heard so far that I like are

– Buy a ticket to a Better Movie (meaning probably any other movie?  Idec go see The Hobbit again) and then sneak in to see this movie so you’ll be able to critique it
I don’t dislike this option, but it will probably not be the one I choose, because I am so uncomfortably a Good Girl that I cannot do anything Bad without having a gigantic bout of anxiety.  Like, I felt bad at law school events taking the Lexis swag because I preferred Westlaw.  I’m messed up, I get it.

Option 2!
– Donate whatever the cost of the ticket was and then some to a women’s shelter
This one will be my option if I choose to see the movie, and I think it’s a really good call.

I am not telling you you cannot see the movie.  I’m not telling you you cannot like the book.  I’m telling you to be aware that the book unarguably describes an abuser and is problematic as hell, so just be aware and critical of the media you consume.

And don’t buy that bear oh my GOD do not buy that bear.

Nerding

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

January 21, 2015

Hey everyone!  I’m still working through where I want to go with this blog (especially considering that the title is no longer accurate!) but I reeeeally needed to write something and I know this is way late but lolol cultural relevancy what r u even so here’s my letter to Peter Jackson about this movie

Dammit, Peter Jackson, I trusted you.

Your work with Lord of the Rings is exceptional, and while you clearly knew what you were doing with that, I was skeptical when I heard that you made The Hobbit into three movies, because I didn’t believe there was enough material there.  After seeing the first movie, I was convinced I was correct in my belief, but you changed my mind significantly with the second.  I LIKED the second.  The expansions you made to the plot were overall pretty great (hey there, Legolas!), Smaug looked wonderful, and I really felt involved in the story.  I was super psyched to see the third one, even though I knew it was going to make me sad.

Then I went to see the third one.  GodDAMMIT, Peter.

Okay, there were some things that were genuinely quite lovely.  Lee Pace’s eyebrows, for example.  The dwarves riding in on pigs, because PIGGIES!  And, um…yeah, mostly Lee Pace.  Face, hair, general demeanor.  Actual elvish perfection in every way.  Fine, okay, yes, Thorin’s death was incredibly well-shot and Martin Freeman’s acting in the scene made me cry, but just because you can shoot a death scene does not let you off the goddamn hook, Mr. Jackson.  Also using Billy Boyd’s angel voice for the credits? My individual tears are crying, you jerk.

I knew there wasn’t a whole lot left in the Smaug plotline from the book, but seriously dude? I know Benedict was probably pretty pricey, but you could literally have walked up to the CGI team and been like “we need to have a man drop from the sky and transform into a bear on the way down and then land into a battle and fuck shit up” and they would have done it for you (….OH WAIT YOU DID THAT HI BEORN HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR CAMEO) so we couldn’t have had like, a bit more dragon?  Or some of the Necromancer that wasn’t just a strobe light and the Minas Morgul track from RotK?  And I get that Smaug’s death is the ultimate in one-in-a-million shots but did we have to William Tell it up with Bard’s kid?  Come on, bro.  It’s a KID.  We’re gonna worry about the kid already, and then you gotta mount the freaking arrow of doom up on his shoulder?  Kid, I don’t know your name, but whatever you got paid for this movie, it wasn’t nearly enough.

And Alfrid.  What the HELL was up with Alfrid, bro?  Did you give him and his unibrow individual contracts?  Is that why we spent so much time filming him?  And come on, man, no one read the script and was like “hey, this guy seems like an AlphaDouche, mayyyybe we shouldn’t leave him in charge of everything?”  Peter, come on, I realize you’re going for comic relief, but letting Bard pick him out of everyone else to keep watch and then WHOOPSIES not noticing every elf in Mirkwood is on your front steps areyoukiddingme. People of Lake-town and Dale: I know you’ve got a gigantic leadership broner for Bard right now but his powers of delegation are CLEARLY lacking and perhaps you should place someone else (anyone else?) in charge. Like Thranduil’s elk.  Next time, Peter? More elk less Alfrid.

I was already super skeptical of Tauriel’s plotline and general existence, and you went right ahead and proved my skepticism to be correct on literally every goddamn count.  I would like whoever decided “why does it hurt so much? Because it was real” was an actual line that should be actually spoken and actually placed into the film to be publicly shamed.  I would like you to tell me why we are so scared of giving women anything other than bows and short knives to fight that isn’t “barely concealed phallic imagery when in the hands of women makes us uncomfortable so only boyz get the long sharp thingz kayyy.” I would like you to offer a public apology to Fili, who has to be extraordinarily pissed off that his death was nothing more than a vehicle for the Dashboard Confessional, Romeo-and-Juliet, this-isn’t-your-ordinary-love-story love story garbage, especially since his beard is CLEARLY THE SUPERIOR ONE.

And the White Council, Peter? Can we talk about that for a second?  You gave them like two minutes of screentime after plastering Christopher Lee’s face all over every promotional material that was made and it turned into The Expendables 19.  How exactly did you explain this when you pitched the scene? SARUMAN. ELROND. GALADRIEL. GANDALF. They all reunite in a battle for the ages against the forces of evil that is given zero explanation and even less time and you kind of feel like Liam Neeson is gonna show up and shoot someone because everything old is there.  Mr. Jackson, you gave us a Legolas backstory that is not canon nor was it relevant but we couldn’t scrape together another couple thousand to keep the old guard on set for like, 10 more minutes?  If you’re going to make this scene, make this scene, sir!  Don’t throw McKellen and Blanchett around with some *~*cRAzY sAuROn’S eYe*~* graphics and then allow several thousand years of experience to arrive on-set looking like it’s pissed that somewhere in the future, Aragorn is getting some and it’s his daughter.  MAKE THE EFFORT.

[Also if you listen carefully somewhere off in the distance Celeborn is screaming “I AM RELEVANT AND I MATTER AND I WILL NOT BE IGNORED”]

And Thorin, man? Come ON.  We’ve got the greatest vaguely dirty majestic face since Viggo and we go and give him draaaaaagon sicknesssss and some grandstanding?  Richard Armitage, who thought out his on-screen character enough to justify why he doesn’t have the long beard Tolkien wrote him with, was given about a hundred variations of “I’m really high and would kill for a burrito right now” except the burrito was the Arkenstone and you were somehow okay with this.  I realize it had been a long time in the movies since anyone had worn the One Ring and you were annoyed that you couldn’t put weird-ass effects but the gold thing really COME ON.  And while I will give you credit for his actual death scene with Bilbo, the fight was ridiculous and you know it.  Ice! Snow! Extra weapons! Uncertain kill shot! Slidey around on this iceberg wheeee! This is a dwarf king, a ridiculously talented beast-with-a-beard and you’re going to let him get Oberyn’d because we didn’t have nearly enough jumpshots and it’s fun to stab people through the foot.  Seriously just give Legolas like 18 more trick shots and call it a day because you need to stop, sir.

Just…dammit, man.  You won ten years ago.  This was a kids’ book.  I trusted you, man, and you let me down.

The heavier stuff

Why does she stay?

September 9, 2014

I don’t know Janay Rice.  I don’t know her story, other than what’s been captured on film or filtered and given to us.  I don’t know if she loves her husband or fears him or both.  But we need to stop putting any responsibility on her and other victims of domestic violence for their own abuse. “Why does she stay?” is the most disgusting of questions, because it puts all the agency on her, when she usually has none.  If you ask the question, you might get an answer you like, or don’t like, but it really doesn’t matter, because you shouldn’t be asking that question in the first place.

Why might she stay?

Maybe she stays because it earns her money.  Maybe Rice earns enough that she’s comfortable, and doesn’t have to work, and he buys her nice things.  Maybe she didn’t want to give up the fame that comes with being married to a player on the Baltimore Ravens.  And this doesn’t change the fact that her partner hits her.

Maybe she has no support network.  Maybe her family, or her friends, or her church, or the Ravens, are all telling her that he’ll change, she should stay, or that they can’t handle her moving in with them if she were to leave.  Maybe she has no family.  Maybe she has no close friends. Maybe he’s made sure of her having no close friends.  Maybe she doesn’t want to leave her home and go to a shelter because it’s not the same standard of living she’s used to.  This doesn’t change the fact that her partner hits her.

Maybe she’s scared for her daughter, Rayven.  Maybe she’s worried that if she leaves, her daughter will never see her father, and she doesn’t want that.  Maybe she’ll be scared that if she leaves, her child will be in danger, or she won’t be able to support her without her husband.  Her abuser also being her daughter’s father doesn’t change the fact that her partner hits her.

Maybe she thinks she deserves it.  Maybe she saw the tape, and thought that her actions towards him were too aggressive for a wife.  Maybe her brain tells her that she mouthed off, that she got him mad, that she should have walked away before things got heated.  Maybe her brain tells her that she’s supposed to be the stability of their marriage, and she let him down.  Maybe her brain talks in its own voice, or maybe it talks in his.  This doesn’t change the fact that her partner hits her.

Maybe she loves him.  Maybe he’s told her that he lost control, but he’ll never do it again because his love for her is stronger than anything, and that together they can work through their problems.  Maybe he buys her flowers after.  Maybe he tells her that he wouldn’t make it without her, or that he’ll do something dangerous if she leaves.  Maybe the video caught his worst moment, and 99% of the time she knows he’s good to her.  Or maybe in his calm moments he’s good to her, and she only sees those moments every so often, but when they come, it’s wonderful.  Or maybe her love for him is completely irrational and he’s never good to her.  None of this changes the fact that her partner hits her.

Maybe she’s scared.  Maybe she knows the statistic that the time women are most likely to be killed by their abusers is when they attempt to leave.  Maybe her statements about true love have all been under coercion.  Maybe she thought that he’d hit her more if he lost his job because she wasn’t standing by him.  Maybe he’s threatened her, or maybe he hasn’t, but she thinks something bad will happen.  Maybe she’s scared but nothing bad actually will happen.  This doesn’t change the fact that her partner hits her.

Unless you’re a trained professional directly aiding the victim, trying to determine why a woman stays in an abusive relationship is a selfish, insulting, horrible thing to do.  This question is nearly never asked for the victim’s benefit; it’s asked so whoever’s asking gets to stop caring because she could have left and helped herself.

There are so, so many better questions you can ask.

Why do so many men hit the women they’re married to?
Why did the Ravens take so long to fire Ray Rice?
Why are DV shelters so full, and why can’t they get funding?
Should DAs be able to prosecute abusers when their victims don’t want them to?
What do we do to help?

I don’t know if we’ll get answers to any of them any time soon, but these are the questions that have to get asked.

Personal

Universal Studios by the numbers

August 25, 2014
  • Engagements: 1
  • Directions you can ride the Hogwarts Express: 2
    • From Hogsmeade/Hogwarts to “London”
    • From “London” to Hogwarts/Hogsmeade
  • Directions I can describe the Hogwarts Express ride because we got engaged on the way from Hogsmeade to “London”: 1
    • Seriously guys I think someone rode a broom or something but I got nothin’ else
  • Things I did not consider about getting engaged at a theme park: 1 but it’s big
    • “Oh look pretty ring yay…wait we’re going on a rollercoaster, shoot what if I lose it WHAT DO I DO okay calm down it’ll be fine”
      • Spoiler alert it was fine
  • Degrees Fahrenheit: ALL OF THEM
    • oh my GOODNESS it was 95 with humidity and I was sweating at 6 AM seriously how do people live in Florida I do not understand it
    • Plus Hogsmeade has snow on top of the buildings so that’s a nice little extra “lol FUUU”
    • Plus sunscreen is vital but it keeps you from sweating to your Fullest Potential so that was tough
    • You just kinda have to embrace the heat but dang, y’all, SO WARM
  • Frozen butterbeers consumed: 1 per day for 3 days
  • Trips around the lazy river loop at our hotel: ~15
    • Times Andrew dragged me under the waterfall: 1
    • Amount I screamed: A lot
  • Longest time waiting in line: One hour forty-five minutes
    • Amount of time people waited for “Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts” on opening day according to the dude in one of the shops: 8 and a half hours
    • Not paying a hundred dollars a person to skip lines: priceless
      • Okay not priceless but it felt like we *~*beat the system*~* or something
  • Average age of the people in my group at Ollivanders for the wand-choosing skit: 7
    • Don’t judge me
  • Harry Potter swag purchased: 3
    • Mug
    • Ornament
    • Wand, ash, interactive, but I swear I didn’t walk around the park with it and try the spells that you can do with it
      • It was a close call though let’s be real
  • Number of characters who are like TOTALLY dead in the series but are on the rides: a lot?
    • Like I guess whatever no sadness at Harry Potter World but Moody’s dead, yo, not waving to you on the platform of the train? oh well
  • Creepiness of Knockturn Alley: 100%
    • This was pretty great guys, for real
    • That hand thing from the second movie is there and it is TERRIFYING
  • Frequency the dragon on top of Gringotts breathes fire: about every ten minutes
    • Amount the dragon is amazing: ALL OF IT FOREVER the dragon looks SO GOOD
  • How close I got to buying a battery-powered Monster Book of Monsters: real close
  • Serious summary: it was lovely to do the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, especially to both parks, and our hotel let us in an hour early because it was on the property so we rushed to HP and did the rides and despite the crowds it was just excellent
  • “Despicable Me” swag purchased between the two of us: 3
    • Mugs: 2
    • Shirt with giant minion eye on it for Andrew: 1
  • Number of minion quotes we said on the trip: legit like 25 per day
    • Amount we love the minions: like clearly wayyyyy too much because they’re for kids, and stuff? Whatever
  • Times “Theme from Jurassic Park” sung: at least 30
  • High score Andrew got at the bowling alley at our hotel: 189
    • My boy’s wicked good at bowling
  • Pina coladas tried for the first time: 1
    • Guys holy crap these things are delicious where have I been
  • Naps taken: 1 per day
  • Friends made in line: 4
    • Harry Potter people are super cute, everyone
    • Like both were a mom and her daughter but oh my gosh soooo cute
  • British people at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter: thousands
    • Percentage of British people I assumed were just like, in character, or something?: 100%
      • No really guys I didn’t get that actually English/Scottish/Welsh/Irish people came to the park I thought they were all just being fun
  • Creepiness of the music in the Dr. Seuss section: 95%
  • Amount Andrew really didn’t like the giant spiders on one of the Harry Potter rides: a lot
    • Amount I did not know Andrew does not like spiders: a lot
    • Dismay Andrew expressed when I mentioned potentially re-riding: a lot
  • Times Andrew picked up a Dobby figurine in the hotel’s store and put it right next to my face so when I turned around it was like DOBBYYYY:1
    • Small heart attacks had: 1
    • Huge jerk I am apparently going to marry: 1
    • Tears shed in movie 7 with “Dobby is happy to be with friends”: a billion
    • Despite previous bullet point, amount I underestimated the creepiness of a Dobby figurine: 97%
  • Rollercoasters ridden: 3
    • Rollercoasters ridden in the front row: 2
    • Rollercoasters not ridden in the front row but letting you play ZZ Top while you ride it if you want: 1
  • Percent surprised I was at the proposal: 5-10%
    • We planned out most of this stuff (I’m not a big fan of surprises!) but I didn’t know at what exact point during the vacation it was going to happen
  • Percent we’re both really happy: like about a billion
  • Percent effort I’ma need from you all to keep me from taking a picture with the ring and the wand I got because that’s just a really really REALLY terrible idea: 110%

Aight I’m done being sappy, and the first of a series of romantic comedy reviews will go up very soon (I’m starting with “27 Dresses” so GET READY).  You guys have all been super lovely and I love you all more than Hagrid loves animals that can kill you.

Lawyering

The bar exam’s wacky and dumb cast of characters

July 17, 2014

The MBE (also known as the “Multistate Bar Exam”) is the multiple choice part of Pennsylvania and New Jersey’s bar exams.  It’s a part of many other states’ exams as well.  It is three hours in the morning and three hours in the afternoon, with 100 questions for each session.   It is the bane of my existence, partially because the same stupid people keep showing up in the fact patterns for each question.  If you’re taking the bar, you already know about a lot of these, but the explanations are for the benefit of those who are not currently in #barprephell. This is the test that will let you be an attorney and that is absurd.

Here’s our WACKY CAST of SILLY CHARACTERS 😀 😀 😀

1. The adverse possession guy

So there’s this thing in real property law (think “land ‘n stuff” when I say “real property”) that says, essentially, “if you sit on a piece of land long enough, even if you don’t own it, if the owner doesn’t notice and formally try to kick you out, it’s yours now.”  Adverse possession (or, for white folks, “colonies”) takes a looooong time, like 10 to 20 years, and I guess the policy behind it is if you’re too stupid to notice that some guy is grazing like a thousand cows all over your land, you don’t deserve to own it? Idk.  We have to sit there and then analyze if this total asshole who literally TOOK SOMEBODY ELSE’S STUFF now gets to keep it because Law.  I waste time sitting there going “but it’s not yours, you douchebag” which is a waste of time because apparently *~*~*aNyTHinG iS pOsSIbLe if you just ***belieeeve***~*~*

So in essence, there are a ton of people on the bar exam who just pull this move:

This land is your laaaand
Oh, whoops it’s my laaaand
‘Cuz I just sat here
For several decaaaades

2. The guy who owns a goddamn bear

Let me explain.  There’s this concept in torts that they inexplicably like to test on which basically says “if you own a goddamn wild animal, you are responsible for anything the WILD ANIMAL does because you put it in a house instead of the WILD, you PIECE of SHIT.” There are two different ways this question shows up.

a. The guy who owns some wild animal but it’s chill
The question will start off with some ridiculously implausible situation like “a man had owned a bear for many years.  It was OLD, you guys. Like SO OLD. It had no teeth, and its claws were like little nubbins, and it would just sleep all day and it was just such a mellow bear, you guys. Like a bear rug but not yet.”  The question’s narrator basically turns into a giant Hagrid impersonator talking about Aragog (‘e’s just a big softy, ‘e is! I swearrit! Tot’ly misunderstood creatures, bears!) but you’re supposed to determine that if the bear does something to hurt someone, even if it’s just escaping and hanging out in the woods and a little girl sees it and gets scared you are STILL RESPONSIBLE because it’s a GODDAMN BEAR.  Only you can prevent strict liability by NOT OWNING A BEAR.

b. The guy who uses his own personal zoo to defend property
The concept here is a combination of that first rule, plus “you are not allowed to use deadly force to protect your property which includes setting Shark Week on intruders.” No, seriously, this is on lots of practice MBEs and is almost guaranteed to be a question on my actual bar exam which is just…why. Why does this exist.  I want to be a lawyer, not goddamn Siegfried and Roy.  The two choice ones I’ve had recently are a guy who had a declawed bobcat (a fucking BOBCAT, YOU GUYS) on his property because people were cutting across it to get places.  The question hinged on “bro if you operate a personal zoo you’re responsible for When Animals Attack” but it was still about protecting property, but it was hard to focus because BOBCAT.

The second, even better one I had recently, involved a mall security guard who owned pet rattlesnakes, and because people kept breaking into the mall, he decided to bring his rattlesnakes to the mall to help defend it.  I’m not kidding.  My test for becoming a lawyer includes “Paul Blart: Mall Cop and his Plucky Team of DEADLY FUCKING RATTLESNAKES.”  No, sir, you can’t bring your rattlesnakes to help protect the mall, and even if someone breaks in, you are liable to the person when your MALL COP RATTLESNAKE DOES THE SNAKE THING AND BITES THE INTRUDER.  Did not think I had to write this one down for you but lesson learned, y’all

3. The criminals from the 1930s

I guess the MBE can’t swear, or something, I’m not sure, but the slang these guys use is like, dad-joke level terrible plus a dash of Jay Gastby in their dialogue.  These questions test a whole bunch of stuff, usually criminal procedure or hearsay evidence stuff, but it’s just so painful to read.  I’m not expecting The Wire quality conversations, but can we seriously not use the expression “somebody finked to the cops”?  I’m gonna get this question wrong because 1. I don’t know what the hell “finked” means 2. I am the whitest girl in history and even I know “snitches get stitches.” Is that shit copyrighted or something? TRY HARDER, BAR EXAM.

Other things that have showed up on practice questions:
A gang called “The Dineros”
A criminal called “Condor”
“Bookies” (do we seriously have bookies anymore?)
Someone selling a stolen painting and calling it “fenced” goods
“Do it or the kid gets it!” THREE SEPARATE TIMES
“Shut up or I’ll knock your block off”
An actor who shot another actor who said “You’ve stolen the part I’ve always wanted to play, now you will die for it!”
A guy saying to his wife “Dear, we really did know those TVs were hot, after all, we bought them for $10 each!”

STOP TRYING. DON’T TALK. JUST DON’T DO ANYTHING, BAR EXAM. I’M DISGUSTED.

“Hi Disgusted, I’m Bar Exam”

4. The guy who never records any paperwork pertaining to his property

This can also go for lenders, owners, literally anybody.  There are certain rules for who owns rights to property, based on several things, but one of the big ones is “notice,” meaning “this is written down somewhere that someone else owns this property so you can’t buy it because it’s not for sale.” Depending on the jurisdiction/made-up law/drunk-ass set of circumstances, exactly what type of headache this is can change, but it is always a goddamn nightmare.  However, based on the bar exam, roughly 90% of the deeds, mortgages, etc. out there are never written down or filed because there are jackasses who receive the paperwork to this ENORMOUS PURCHASE and are like “fuck it, I don’t need to write that down anywhere important.  Everything will be fine.” NO IT WON’T, YOU ASSHOLE.

I have had questions where there are three separate claims on this property, and two of them forgot to record the fact that they spent like tens of thousands of dollars to acquire it because apparently they are Scrooge McDuck and just have swimming pools of gold coins because LOL what’s money is that this paper with pictures on it someone else takes care of my problems for me.  From now on, if you don’t write your stuff down, I am throwing the deed in a Hunger Games-esque arena and y’all can fight for it: whoever lives wins the deed (or if two of you are cute and theoretically in love I guess you can both win idk THAT’S MAHOGANY)

5. The guy who leaves his property to his family like it’s the Iron Throne

This is another fun part of real property law (can you tell I hate this subject most? because I dooooo) where you have to figure out what type of property rights a person in the future has.  When you normally think of a will, or any other “leave my stuff to a person” deal, you probably think of something along the lines of “my kid gets my house, my sister gets my jewelry, and here’s ten grand for a charity.”

HOWEVER, if you are a person on the bar exam, LOLOL NOPE FARRRRR TOO SIMPLE. “I leave my property to my sons, and upon their death my grandsons, and upon their death the Baratheons, unless the Baratheons have been conceived in incest between Lannister siblings, and if so, then it goes to the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good, unless all the kids can read, then let the kids dig up all the grass and throw it at each other until the Others take us all.”  FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID PROPERTY.  You are dead and we are all running your dirt errands and seriously everyone hates you.

6. The guy who thinks anybody’s gonna buy his bullshit story in court about what he meant to do

This one is probably my person favorite, just because it’s got a great combination of Big Brother-mind reading and astounding incredulity were it to ever actually show up in court.  As you may know, much of criminal law requires a person to have a certain intent (the “mental element”) to commit a crime.  Lots of statutes will say things like “knowingly,” “recklessly,” or “with the intent to.” This is obviously important because “oh shit I didn’t mean to do that” is actually a legit defense sometimes, but in order to test it, the questions have to be all up in the person’s head and tell you what they thought.  It is always and forever the highest octane bullshit that would get you laughed out of court if your defense attorney is dumb enough to bring it up, but for the bar exam? Absolutely crucial to getting points. Lawyer licensing, everybody!

My personal favorite is this one, which has shown up three times that I can think of offhand and probably more.  Person A thinks Person B took their stuff and brought it home with them.  Instead of a) asking them for it back b) filing a report with the police c) doing literally any other goddamn thing, this person decides “the best possible thing for me to do is to follow this person home to find out where they live, wait until The Cover of Night, and break the fuck into their house to get my coat/laptop/who cares you broke into someone’s HOUSE.”

But Wait, There’s More!

This person then realizes “oh shit, that’s not my coat/laptop/whatever,” it actually belongs to that other person, and then Person A decides LIKE A SOME KIND OF SOCIOPATH to just KEEP THE STUFF. Yep, they realize this is not their belonging, but they decide to hang on to it anyway.  The question then goes “so, Future Lawyer, what crimes can they be charged with?” and you have to answer “well not burglary because that requires breaking in with the intent to steal and they thought the coat was theirs ahahahaaa what is this what is my life” and pretend like someone would legit show up in court and say “no but seriously I thought it was mine and the best option was to pull a home invasion but then the coat was just super cute so I kept it.”

This list doesn’t include the less frequent offenders, such as “Dude with a Bow and Arrow,” “Mobster who Didn’t Mean to Kill Anyone Just Meant to Shake ‘Im Up a Little,” and my personal favorite, “Important Witness Who Dies After Saying Something Crucial to the Case Outside of Any Court Proceedings.” Two weeks, guys.  Two weeks. 

 

Lawyering, Personal

Bar prep is a study in contrasts

June 29, 2014

I’m a little over a month out, y’all, and even if the rest of the time were rainbows and butterflies, this would still be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  It is also just a ridiculous process.

(Realtalk before I get silly: it would be awesome if you could check in on me, because this is the worst, and if I see you in real life and snap at you it’s not you, it’s me/bar prep)

I no longer have any idea how smart I am
I will do like, 60-ish practice questions and get a decent number right because I just made a whole bunch of flashcards for the topic and I’ll sit there like I AM THE SMARTEST (WO)MAN ALIVE and have grandiose visions of fist-bumping Ruth Bader Ginsburg and getting an Oscar for portraying myself in my own biographical movie and being chosen to lead the free world BECAUSE I AM THE GREATEST

Aaaaaand then I’ll read a practice essay, skip happily to a conclusion about what the issue is, write an outline for it, and then read the sample answer which is roughly the length of all the One Direction fanfic put together and realize that my outline is about as quality as the average One Direction fanfic because I missed literally everything important about the question (“there was a torts issue here? what? since when? oh since forever and you learned that 4 days ago”) and then I just want to dive into my bed of shame and stay there until my brain reaches its goddamn potential which is NEVER.

I have a lot of feelings about the prep program I chose
(in all seriousness, Barbri has been great so far: the experience itself obviously sucks but in no way do I feel like they’re leading me astray or that I don’t have enough prep, and I really appreciate their graded essay program…disclaimer over)

I’ll sit in class or watch a recorded lecture and be like “lawls bro made a Kenny G joke and I’m actually impressed with the level of fun in this horrendously boring topic” and I’ll do a practice essay and get useful but non-soul-crushing feedback about the stuff I did right and the stuff I missed, and the program is inherently impossible to keep up with but definitely makes sure you cover everything important.

Then I’ll get to a torts question that includes this:

“Once she confirmed with the bank teller that the charges from the escort service were not an error in the bank’s system, she went outside to the driveway, where her husband’s car was parked.  She took a baseball bat to his headlights and carved her name in the leather seats.”

did u just

yep

WE GOT US A “BEFORE HE CHEATS” REFERENCE AND I QUIT.

Also all the lecturers thus far have been white and all the lecturers except three have been men and this has therefore become a study in “if one more old white dude on a power trip with no hair and a nasally voice tells me how to run my life I will SNAP”

My emotions are both all over the place and no longer related to reality
Yep, saw a really cute dog the other day and started crying.  Because it was cute.  Really cute.

That’s my major one right now: tearing up at things that are cute or pretty or some other equally benign adjective.  Songs are a big one, but I’ve also teared up at a really delicious piece of chocolate, Game of Thrones, a text my mom sent me, Johann de Meij’s “Hobbits”, my new running sneakers, and, most embarrassingly, I teared up because I was laughing so hard at Jason Derulo’s “Wiggle” being played at my spin class.  Yeah, apparently what to do with that big fat butt is “burst into tears.”

There’s also what those in the biz call “bargression,” which is hating pretty much the entire world.  This means getting really upset at legitimate things, like racism, or an email from Sallie Mae, or the fact that “The Bachelorette” exists, but also little things.  Everything becomes a trigger for Hulk-like levels of rage.

A non-exhaustive list of things that have set me off in the past month:
dropping my bar of soap while in the shower
a child’s laughter
someone unironically using the expression “the bae” on Twitter
someone yelling their orders at Chipotle
someone ordering too quietly at Chipotle and needing to repeat everything
low battery on my Kindle when I am sitting next to the charger
engagement photos
the Red Cross emailing me to donate blood
cars (just cars, being on the road, at the same time as me)
someone looking at me in the gym
humidity
a commercial being on all 6 of my radio presets
texts from my apartment complex
“gluten-free”
“kaleesi” (sic)
not being able to find the specific pair of workout pants that I want that day
doing laundry
the sun

My brain can store a lot of things!…none of which are important
There is a LOT of stuff required for the bar, and although you’re basically told that you can’t really learn everything, you should know a lot.  Which includes the dozen or so exceptions to the hearsay rule in evidence, the five elements of a negligence claim, roughly 8 goddamn million ways you can leave your stupid, stupid property to another person (no I’m not bitter why do you ask) and all the overlapping “who’s in charge of THIS topic” shenanigans that is our three-branch federalist system of government. No but seriously states are the dumbest thing why do we have states I hate states one law only forever

At any given point, I am confident of about ten percent of the above material.  Fun fact: ten percent competency does not let you pass the bar.

HOWEVER, I am about 95% competent on: Harry Potter spells, quotes from the movies Clueless and The Princess Bride, the words to “Welcome to Duloc” from the first Shrek movie, the words to “Guy Love” from the musical episode of Scrubs, which season of Say Yes to the Dress I’m watching by who the consultants are, the timing of the Rifftrax lines for all but the last of the Twilight movies, drawing a visual of Westeros’ Seven Kingdoms, what Panem’s districts specialize in manufacturing, and the Allomantic powers in the Mistborn novels.

You don’t have to be disgusted: I already disgust myself, don’t worry.

Basically if the bar exam has Harry Potter trivia, Titanic history, or Mean Girls quotes I’m golden; if it’s on any other topic I am barely/possibly competent.  (Hogwarts is a tort waiting to happen and some people who felt personally victimized by Regina George may have a claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress and/or slander.)

My wardrobe is incredibly varied
lololol NOPE I get up, change into my daytime pajamas, study forever, shower, change into my nighttime pajamas, sleep, wake up, and repeat.

Yes, I have different pajamas for daytime and nighttime.  It’s important to be comfortable but not so comfortable that my brain just goes “screw this” and goes to sleep in the middle of a real property lecture review.

My energy level is basically a lightswitch
At about 7 PM or so I go full on Rip van Christina and my eyelids droop regardless of how much work still remains and I either 1. take an Ambien like a good little girl and then proceed off to sleepland to have my weird dreams (sleep meds are fun, y’all) 2. act like I’ll calm down enough to not need an Ambien and attempt to read myself to sleep and toss and turn in a mattress of anxiety for the next four hours.

The next day, I get my first two hits of caffeine in AM hours, and that gets me functional, usually.  Sometimes, I get a third thing of coffee in the afternoon, and then I’m just SO EXCITED to be ALIVE and STUDY EVERYTHING and OH MY GOSH I’m gonna make ALL THE FLASHCARDS and watch ALL THE LECTURES and do ALL THE ESSAYS and WHY ARE MY HANDS SHAKING WHEN I TRY TO WRITE IS THAT MY HEARTBEAT THAT’S MY HEARTBEAT AWESOME

The next few weeks should be better because the lectures taper off and I don’t have to wake up to go in if I slept terribly the night before, but I can’t quit caffeine right now.  (They legit tell you before prep starts to not change any of your habits, up to and including “if you’re doing cocaine regularly, keep doing cocaine. Quit after the bar.”)

I am both the healthiest and least healthy I’ve ever been
I am at the gym like, ALL the time.  I am running out my bargression (that’s bar + aggression) and going to spin class and running more.  I should go to yoga, but I walked in this week, felt like punching a wall, realized I shouldn’t scare all the nice people, walked out, and did speedwork on the treadmill for like half an hour. I’m drinking a ton of water, exercising like a beast, and sleeping like a log a LOT.

However.  My diet is all over the place, because some days I’m like “hell yeah, salad” and other days I’m like “every carb in the world represents one of my feelings and they’re all going into my mouth right now.”  My posture is shit because I’m in a desk chair for like 10-12 hours a day, and as my prep program slowly crushes me, my spine bends like a pipe cleaner in a kindergartener’s craft project and everything hurts and nothing is beautiful.  I’m hoping bar prep-induced acne is a thing, because otherwise something is seriously wrong with my face, and my hair is legitimately drying out.  I cut a ton of it off recently as well (and came really close to a “fuck it, we’ll shave it off” moment while in the stylist’s chair because I don’t have time for shenanigans) so as a total package, I look like the Monster Book of Monsters.  Again, if I progress this way…world’s first orc lawyer.

Everything is really, really hard, but I am four weeks away from the exam, and I took a practice exam on Friday that went okay-ish, and this will not kill me.  Andrew has the patience of a dozen saints, Twitter is full of hilarious bar preppers, and this too shall pass, and SO SHALL I.  And then I get to go watch three of my friends get married over the month of August, and I’m planning a trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  I can do this.

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 10, “The Children”

June 17, 2014

AKA “lol what source material” and also “HBO stop touching things I love”

Because I need it, this was what made me laugh the hardest after the episode.
Andrew: “Wait, so where’s Dorne?”
Me: “It’s where Oberyn was from.  He’s got a lot of bastard daughters.  And he’s got a brother, the guy actually in charge, and there’s a lot of plot that takes place there-”
Andrew: “WAIT CAN HE PLAY THE BROTHER TOO?!”
Me: “I wish.”
Pedro we miss youuuuuuu

Although there were some good moments in tonight’s episode, I’m overall just really pissed.  I am committed to a no-book-spoilers post, but I do have my LSH thoughts at the very end, so if you’ve read the books, go ahead; if you haven’t, just stop where I say stop.

There’s a ton of nerdrage in this post, and also a ton of just general rage.  I’m…tired, guys.  This show has turned into a microcosm of a lot of the stuff that gets me mad in the real world, but the series was supposed to be a bit of a safe place for me, as silly as that sounds about a series that’s notorious for killing people off.  But it was familiar, and I could discuss things with people like “who would you like to sit the Iron Throne?” and “who would you love to see as a POV character who isn’t one?” but now I’m sitting on Twitter watching people type things like “kaleesi’s got a set of balls on her” and “Shae got what she deserved, that bitch” and I’m just so, so tired.  Obviously I’m not implying that you’re trash if you just watch the show (the show’s not going to make you a misogynist if you’re not one), but it hands up these stereotypes and ruins complicated characters and just generally talks down to the viewers and makes it easy for people who are misogynists to jump into the show.  The books don’t.  This is not a “books>show” argument, because they are different forms of media and you are not smarter or better because you read instead of watching TV.  This is a “these books>>>>this show” argument.  Maybe after I take the bar I’ll be up for arguing this more, but I legit might cry if I have to do it now, so just hold off, please. And if you see me in real life just give me a hug?

The Wall
It’s nice to see that they got the camera man from the first three Bourne movies to shakily follow Jon around for the first ten minutes

We are apparently paying Ciaran Hinds by the minute but I’m glad to finally see him.  I guess he doesn’t have his kid, though?  I don’t remember seeing Dalla or Val yet, and I’m assuming that means we don’t get them, which could be a problem? And the Horn?  Mance’s threats seem to hold no water without the Horn (“if you don’t let us in will continue to throw mammoths at your Wall and you’ll, uh, set them on fire but uh, YEAH COME AT ME BRO”), and seriously, the dialogue was handed to you.  We’ll see. Stannis’ arrival should have been the end of last week’s episode, hands down.  I’m not sure how long they’re gonna keep Davos around but I guess he’s there too.  Again, lol what source material. HOWEVER, this scene was great.  Listening to Mance and Stannis play a wordgame version of “my kingly penis is larger than yours” was perhaps my favorite bit of dialogue in the episode, and the attack looked great, and people seemed legitimately surprised.  If you rewatch, look at Davos’ face while Mance is sassing Stannis: I was waiting for him to bust out with a “in Soviet Russia” joke.  “In Soviet Dragonstone, weather dresses for you!” #AllHailStannis

I’m okay with the fact they gave some of Mance’s lines to Tormund, because I did want to hear some of them. (They’re gonna switch his role with Rattleshirt, aren’t they…dammit.)  I also know they have to portray Jon’s sadness over Ygritte somehow, but goddamn it dragging her funeral pyre out there and then pulling a Sad Boys Drop Their Torches Behind Them Without Looking is just ugh.  I would not have been so upset with all the funeral stuff if that was the only scene from the Wall, but they had ALL of last week and still wasted time there, so much time.  We also apparently don’t care that no one’s in charge?  What’s happening next?  Idk Jon you go kiss your girl by the fire because you now Know Something or whatever I don’t know screw this show.

Bran
Brandon and the Argonauts: tonight’s special effects brought to you by Harryhausen

Outside the cave: total bullshit scene. (I was hoping the first hand was gonna be Coldhands but yeah he’s never showing up) Once inside the cave: actually kind of great?  I liked it once they got in there, it was exactly as I had pictured it.  You know what’s gonna be THRILLING to watch? Bran, Meera and Hodor dicking around in that cave for the next two seasons.  I’m joking.  Lol what’s pacing idk

I guess Thomas Brodie-Sangster had to go shoot “Love Actually 2: Die Harder” because okay, Jojen’s dead?  Sure?  Can no one do anything on this show with out “I didn’t want anyone to die for meeeee”? Like clearly the show runners have no respect for their audience but did they not think we could feel things correctly without killing off characters?

Brienne/Arya/Pod/The Hound
#IncomPodence (love you Podrick)

The little “we both named our swords, GIRL POWER” scene was 100% unnecessary and once again, show runners, can you stop attempting to spoon feed “Strong Women” to us?  We got it, or we don’t got it, but that’s not helping.  Just stahp.  Brienne’s dialogue with Sandor, however: yep.  Works.  The difference between the two characters in thinking that there’s somewhere safe left was wonderful. Not in the books, but works.  That’s when I don’t really get mad: you made stuff up, but it makes sense both in-universe and for the character (see last week’s Sam Tarly).

Fight scene, and Arya and Sandor after the fight scene = A++++.  Actually quite pleased with this whole thing.  Maisie and Rory, Rory especially, nailed this scene, and the grossness of Brienne’s fight with him was just spot on.  Not glorious sword-spinning and pretty dance-fighting, just blood and screaming because yep, that’s how it be.  Also oh hey Brienne will destroy you.  Like she wears that armor for a reason, and I’m really, really happy the show demonstrated just how good a warrior she is.  It’s also excellent that she beat Sandor, tried to be noble about it, and when he did his weird “I’ma hold your sword now” (which reminded me of that Uruk-hai from “Fellowship” when he like grabs the sword that’s in his stomach right before Aragorn beheads him because he’s so BA, or whatever) she was straight up like “oh that’s how it’s gonna be? BRING IT.”  Brienne of Fucking Tarth, but in a good way.

SO, I was in a good mood about the show getting something right, and then I walked in to bar prep and overheard some bro saying “I like Arya, I just don’t know if I’ll keep liking her as much if she’s not with the Hound anymore.”  Just fuck everything, seriously, I’m so done.  Friendly reminder, once again, that the Hound, while totes getting his face burned off, is still an actual piece of shit who robs and kills and was 100% serious about that Sansa thing.  And I saw people defending him like “but he didn’t do it!” and I’m like “you’re mounting a defense for a 35-year-old dude who was going to rape a 13-year-old girl and the entire defense, beginning and end, is that he DIDN’T ACTUALLY RAPE HER? Is that what’s happening here? Jesus, people.”  And yes, I know that part of what he said was to incense Arya into finishing him off (so please don’t try to mansplain it because that shit happened to me already and I’m not stupid…just bitter), but he DID kill Mycah and he DID kill a ton of other people on Joffrey’s orders and he DID rob that farmer and he considered raping Sansa.  He’s not a good guy, okay?  This is really a difficult set of characters for me, because I think the actors (and even the writers, mostly) did a great job with them this season, but the misogyny of the show fans comes out so hard with Arya and the Hound.  Okay, so to sum up my feelings: Maisie, Rory, most of the dialogue (especially in this episode) = really great.  Defending Sandor = not great.

Dany
We are now in the beginning of book 5 for her, who’s looking forward to the Meereenese knot HAHA no one good luck show peeps.  The old man who comes in and asks if he can reenslave himself was actually a great scene: she gets the information differently in the books, but it worked.  She’s starting to realize that for some of those who were enslaved, her arrival and dramatic freeing does not fix everything.  I’m hoping the show makes it clear what the other issues are, because as important as the old man’s plight is, I’m worried leaving people on that note will somehow turn into “yeah slavery’s not that bad and it wasn’t that bad in the real world, either!” because I straight up do not trust a large portion of the show’s fanbase.  That said, it was a pretty great scene (the actor playing the old man rode the line of allllllmost insubordinate very, very well) and introduced a problem neatly and quickly.  The scene with Hazzea’s father bringing her bones was also very well done, and if they had shortened the dramatic Closing of the Doors or whatever that was with her dragons, I would have actually said this was a very solid Dany week, but I mean, I guess we paid for the CGI or whatever so DRAGON IT UP.

King’s Landing
NOOOOOPE.  Just all around nope.  Nope-ier as we go along

Firstly, hated the Cersei and Tywin scene: like let’s not pretend that Cersei can out-do Tywin at anything.  When I was reading, I was always under the impression that Tywin totally knows where all the kids come from, he’s just dedicated to not letting it become public/accepted as true.  The show decided instead to give him a “na na na can’t HEEEEAAAAR youuuu” to Cersei’s “yeah no the kids are totes incest babies” instead of a “yeah, I know, shut your face or I’ll do something worse.”  She and Jaime are apparently still cool, as well, even though by this point in the books he’s super pro-Tyrion and she’s really pissed at him but now we get to watch them bang again because nothing gets twins ready like “our brother’s about to be executed but only one of us is conflicted about it.”  Ughh.

Now, on to the important thing.  HBO you done fucked up and not just in a “ruin several characters” way, in a “let’s not so subtly make violence against women okay again.”

In the show’s second season, you may recall that Tyrion mentions his first wife, Tysha, as a peasant girl who he believed genuinely fell in love with him, and they got married, and then Jaime and Tywin told him that no, she was actually a whore (I don’t like using this word but I’m using it here because it’s important later), and Tywin makes Tyrion watch as a whole garrison of Lannister men have sex with her for money, and then Tyrion has to do it, and gives her more money, because “a Lannister is worth more.”  This understandably screwed him up a little.  This is also true in the books.  In this scene from A Storm of Swords, Jaime, with Varys’ help, comes to rescue him (it’s the first time they’ve seen each other since Jaime’s return), and because Jaime’s gotten some kind of conscience, he tells Tyrion the truth during the escape: Tysha was in fact just a peasant girl and she had fallen in love with Tyrion, so the stuff orchestrated by Tywin (with Jaime’s participation) was a gang rape of a teenage girl.  Tyrion loses it, and tells Jaime not only that he’s responsible for Joffrey’s death (which is false), but also that Cersei has been unfaithful to him while he’s been at war, which is 100% true: she uses sex to control and she’s been using it a lot.  Jaime leaves pretty messed up, and Tyrion tells Varys to wait for him while he goes to find Tywin.  He discovers Shae in his father’s bed (which makes Tywin a huge hypocrite, just to remind you: no whores unless you’re me, I guess?), and she attempts to smooth things over, but Tyrion strangles her.  He then gets a crossbow, finds his dad in the privy, and asks him about Tysha, who Tywin barely remembers, and calls a whore.  Tyrion warns him not to use that word, and asks Tywin where Tysha went.  Tywin says, “Wherever whores go,” and Tyrion shoots him.  We see all this from Tyrion’s perspective, and it’s pretty damn clear that he’s snapped a bit with what Jaime told him.  There is nothing heroic about either of the acts, especially not killing Shae, but we see the motivation.

The scene in the show?

  • Destroy Jaime’s character going forward because he’s still cool with Cersei and helped organize the gang rape of his brother’s first wife, and then they bro-hug
  • Tyrion decides to go on a happy little jaunt for no goddamn reason even though he’s free (I guess to get more Solid Lannister Parenting from Tywin the Great?)
  • Shae’s death is turned into “well he had to because it was self-defense” even though he could have legit just turned around and walked out of the room when he saw her, and her actions were more self-defense than his were
  • I get to watch Twitter blow up with “good, Tyrion got his revenge, I hated that stupid bitch” so I cry forever
  • Tyrion apologizes to her dead body (not in the books) because yeah I guess that totes fixes it, plus the Tyrion fans don’t want anything to be wrong with their most precious Tyrion even though he is just as flawed as literally everyone else on this show and is now officially a murderer
  • Goes to find Tywin, who decides to pull a sky-Mufasa “REMEMBAHHH WHO YOU AAAAHHHH” with “you’re my son” and “I was never going to let them kill you” (LOL YES YOU TOTES WERE)
  • Tyrion defends Shae and tells his father not to call her a whore.  Not Tysha, Shae.  The woman he just strangled.  I’m sure she’s way more pissed about the “whore” thing than the strangulation.  How dare you call her a whore, but killing her? Totes okay.
  • Tywin calls her a whore again and Tyrion shoots him not because he organized the repeated rape of his teenage wife or he butchered a ton of northmen at the Red Wedding or that he wiped out an entire noble family or that the smallfolk are starving under his rule or that he’s just generally a terrible human being but because he called Tyrion’s murder victim a woman who has sex for money happy father’s day
  • Varys didn’t know this was going on (LOL RITE) and gets on a ship with Tyrion The Bestest Ever Who Can Do No Wrong
  • I quit everything

Jaime, Tywin, and Tyrion are significantly changed by the show doing it this way, and obviously I’m mad about that, because the dialogue, backstory, pacing, and everything else was literally handed to you, HBO.  However, I’m way more upset at the continual erasure of women and the acceptance of violence against them.  They justified the murder of Shae because it was revenge, or jealousy, or retaliation for her testimony, or something.  We let Tyrion look like the hero because he won’t let people call her a whore.  We erase Tysha and all of the things Tywin and Jaime did to her (and just to remind you, Tyrion participated!) because Jaime’s cool now and Charles Dance is a great casting decision.  NO. Everything that happened to Shae was nothing short of an unjustifiable murder, and cutting out Tysha allows the terrible, terrible actions of fan-favorite male characters to go unpunished.  The scene was ruined for me because of the changes, but more importantly, the changes hurt women, and this is just the most recent in a long line of terribleness: incomprehension of what rape looks like, gratuitous nudity of non-named female characters, Ros’s death, and so on forever.  I’m so tired of this happening, the show runners have given no indication it will ever get better, and I’m just sad, y’all.  I know you read these recaps to laugh and think a bit, but I really don’t know how to keep my feelings out of this one.

The rest of it is below the gif.

THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW THE DRAGON FOR THE EPILOGUE OF BOOK 3.  UNSULLIED, STOP READING AND ENJOY THIS GIF OF TOOTHLESS.

I love Toothless and I’m not sorry.

Lady Stoneheart
I swore so much when they cut to the credits and left her out.  I’ve been reading some reactions and other things about the lack of Lady Stoneheart: one that made me angry was someone arguing that it’s a waste of a plot point because we only see her one more time so where are we going with that? (Okay??? that doesn’t even make sense, we see like a jillion people once or twice, including Beric!)  However, the most frustrating one by far was from the director of the episode. Alex “We Didn’t Shoot a Rape Scene” Graves.  He thought it was hilarious that the fans were gearing up for that scene, because it was never ever a possibility, and they might cut her out entirely.  Mostly because they’d “have to call back Michelle Fairley, who’s this amazing actress, and she’s just a zombie who runs around…killing people? Why would we like that?”

Get the fuck out of here.  First of all, don’t act like “running around killing people” is not enough of a characterization for you.  You’ve got like 2 dozen men whose entire story is “I run around and kill people.”  Secondly, “running around and killing people” is what you got out of Lady Stoneheart?  Really? Not the fact that she’s targeting Freys?  Not the fact that she’s not Catelyn anymore, she’s a dead, vengeful thing who is no longer a mother and just now made up of straight murder and anger?  Not that Brienne is going to meet up with her later?  Not that the Lord of Light’s power can be transferred from person to person?  Not that Beric is now dead, and maybe something happened to Thoros because he transferred the power?  Not that Catelyn in this form could conceivably run into her living children and oh my God what if that happened?  None of that occurred to you? Oh, no, I’m sorry, she’s a murder-zombie, what was I thinking.  Thirdly, fuck you for pretending to care about Catelyn’s characterization.  The show’s creators had so much of a broner for Robb Stark that they made up an entire wife storyline for him with a backstory and lines and Robb’s unborn Nedbaby, while leaving Catelyn to weave prayer wheels and sit there saying “if only I had loved Jon Snow” and getting put in a cell by her son.  Don’t you DARE act like you suddenly care about this woman who is just *~*not COOOL like Dany and Arya**~~* because she’s only a mother and doesn’t fight and she’s whiny and she started the war and etc etc all this other shit you’ve let the fandom think because you did NOTHING with her character.  Finally, you’re laughing at the bookreaders for expecting the end of a season that loosely followed the end of book three to end at its actual fucking ending.  This is funny to you?  We’ve read the books, some of us many, many times.  We hyped up your show.  We put in money to this series.  Our interest is the only reason you have a goddamn show to work with, and instead of responding with “hey, I know it was a really epic scene in the books, but we chose to go in a different direction/it didn’t work well on-screen” you decided the best possible response was “LOL fuck you for wanting things, fandom.”  And many of the comments I’ve seen from people who watch the show have been along the same lines: “congrats, you read the books? what do you want, a cookie?”

I mean, yeah, I do, because cookies are delicious, but I’d settle for some acknowledgment by the show’s directors and writers that there is source material and a fandom built around it, and both of them are the reason you have a show in the first place.  The overarching attitude about them has never read as “this is a gorgeous series and we’re honored to write for it and adapt it and we’re so thankful to Martin,”  it’s read as “we are literally those three models in Zoolander having a gasoline fight on the source material and lol fuck your feelings.”  I’m not going to pretend like I’ll stop watching, but it’s getting to the point that I kinda wish the show had never happened.

Sorry, y’all, I know. *Sad trombone noise*  Anyway, I’m checking out.  Maybe I’ll want to talk about this after a couple weeks, but not so much right now.

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 9: “The Watchers on the Wall”

June 15, 2014

Guys this one took me forever because I can’t talk about spoilers and I had to go back and reread Jon’s chapters and I just don’t care enough?  I like Jon in the books, I really do, I just feel like they tried to pull a “Blackwater” with this episode because “ooooh episode 9 is the craaaaazy one every time” and nope.  Blackwater made sense because it was a short siege with enough POV characters all in that one place, but I just didn’t feel like it worked for the siege of the Wall, especially since it takes place over like, a full week, and way more stuff happens, and it’s not like Ygritte gets POV chapters so it’s like “kay cool Jon we’re gonna just…use you.”  PLUS THEY KILLED PYP WHY.

For the record, I have had Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb” stuck in my head since last year’s episode of the same name, and it comes back in every time I see anything remotely related to the Wall.  Because bar prep is screwing with my emotions so badly, I started singing it in my head after episode 8 and started laughing so hard I teared up, because the chorus goes “there’s always gonna be another mountain” and I was like “LOL RIGHT BECAUSE THEY RECAST GREGOR SO MANY TIMES, ANOTHER ‘MOUNTAIN’ GEDDIT”

…the episode 10 recap will be better, I promise. I PROMISE.

Obviously I can’t break this thing down into areas so I’m just gonna do my thoughts? I guess? Plus I can’t say much because of spoilers in Jon’s storyline? I don’t really know?  Let’s be real y’all I’m just sitting around waiting for the finale which they’d better not mess up or we will have WORDS, BENIOFF AND WEISS

So, Kit Harington, as much as I sass him about pouting and being vaguely damp all the time and having pretty hair, is a lovely young man who has, as far as I know, actually read all the books, and has mentioned in interviews that he’s really trying to let the viewers see into Jon’s thoughts, especially in that he reeeeeally misses Ygritte.  The dialogue this season has given him like NOTHING to work with so he’s trying really hard, and I actually think he’s been basically as close to spot on as he can be with that in place.  They’ve dragged his plotline as much as possible this season, and I really think he’s Doing His Best.  Maybe I’m totally off on this, but I really just enjoy his portrayal and any frustration I have with Jon’s character is really not on Kit (minus his squinting all the time like can we turn off the wind machine or whatever it is? his hair will be JUST as pretty staying still).

So they changed a LOT here.  For one, Sam’s not there, like, at all. Tormund’s not there.  Alliser’s not there.  Janos Slynt in all of his jowly goodness is not there.  It’s Jon, whose leg is arrow-shot and is not like even a little bit ready to do much more than get propped up and shoot some more arrows, who controls the 20 or so dudes who are all vaguely incompetent, who holds the Thenn attack, and then a bunch of days later, the mammoth and giant attack.  The mammoths and giants looked great, for the record, but those are two separate attacks.  And for you bookreaders: I don’t think they cast Donal Noye in the TV adaptation, and I did appreciate the kind of epic last stand some of the men had at the gate with the giant, and I guess they can’t really shove Donal in for this episode only, but I did kind of miss that.  His death made me sad in the books, just because he’s such a supporter of Jon, I guess?  Anyway, #feelingz

No, Sam is not there in the books, he’s still off wandering with Gilly, but dear God I loved John Bradley in this episode.  His excellent “oh, is it over? Then keep shooting” line was the greatest in the episode, and although his entire presence is not canon, it worked for me, somehow: he talks about how Gilly makes him braver, if not brave, and her arrival at Castle Black right before the battle makes it work.  I’m sad they had to kill Pyp for Sam’s character development, but that’s about it.  Like once I got past the “oh, okay, Sam’s definitely here, then?” I was totally on board with everything they did.  Also I kinda got tingles when he swore.  #TeamSamwell

Just one little shoutout for what a friend called “Tormund’s murder face” because it’s great.  The original “it’s just a flesh wound, come at me, bro.”

The Award for Grossness in a Death Scene goes to Styr, the Magnar of Thenn, for “hammer in his skull courtesy of Lord Snow.”  Again, Jon’s not able to fight in the books, but this fight scene was very well choreographed (in an episode that I thought did very well with fight choreography), and I’m fine with it.  I still don’t know why they made the Thenns cannibals but it did add to the bleh factor and the group I was watching with all went “OOOHHHH” when Hammer-In-Skull happened, so I’ll allow it.

Not so on board with Ygritte’s death.  I know TV shows and movies are really big on the “slow down the battle around people so they can have Their Moment” but I really did not like it here, especially since dude, she def would have shot him, I’m sorry.  In the books, Jon finds her dying after the fight’s over, so having a moment where they won’t just like get hacked at (what, is there a special bubble of “don’t hit these guys for a minute, they’re in lurrrrrrv”?) is totally legit.  This is not to criticize either Kit or Rose Leslie, because they worked with what they got, and I was still sad, there were just too many “these people are special so don’t touch them” aspects to her death scene and that’s the exact opposite of what GRRM tries to do.

Lastly, I’m not super happy with Jon’s decision to go find Mance Rayder (and apparently, we are paying Ciaran Hinds by the goddamn minute because it’s gonna be the last episode and the leader of the freaking army has yet to make an appearance but MORE MAMMOTHS I don’t even know, guys).  In the books, the Night’s Watch dudes who don’t like Jon (cue Alliser and Janos, which I just wrote as “Jason” lolol oh God nothing is funny why am I laughing) send him to treat with the wildlings, which really means “we don’t want to hang you for being a turncloak so we’ll just send you to die,” and Jon’s kinda like “well, shit.  I guess I’ll go.”  He’s not like “I am the NOBLEST and MOST IMPORTANT of the sworn brothers and MUST GO ON MY OWN, DON’T TRY TO STOP ME SAM” and it’s a very “no, I will carry the Ring to Mordor on my own because I’m special” and I just didn’t like it.  Jon’s definitely got a hero complex, it’s inherent in his character, but he’s not that dumb.  I also thought they could have ended the episode differently (later in the plot, considering Ygritte’s death is page 620 something and the book is 920 something pages) but I can’t talk because spoilers.  They can’t wrap up Jon’s plotline next episode without screwing over a bunch of other plots, so I have a feeling we’ll have some of his ASoS plot left.

Sorry for the lackluster post, I Tried.  I am going to thoroughly enjoy people losing their minds over episode 10, but I have had expectations of how it needs to be since like 10 months ago so please, please, PLEASE get this right, HBO.

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 8: “The Mountain and The Viper”

June 3, 2014

…how’s everybody doing?  Not great?  Yeah, I feel that.

Kiiiiiinda didn’t like this episode?  Was kind of grumpy the whole time?  Best thing I heard about it was “yeah I think the interns wrote this episode” and I’m in agreement.  There were a few very bright moments and a lot of “you done fucked up the pacing and this is filler, and BAD filler at that” so idk y’all.  Def a little frustrated with the show. I’m also neck-deep in bar prep and feeling like it’s regularly Ygritte-ing me because I legitimately know nothing so I’m just cranky in general but this episode was definitely attempting to forge a maester’s chain of bullshit so I’m swearing more in this post than I usually do because they’re ruining everything and I just want things the way I want them OKAY

My new fave joke I saw this week:
“on a scale from one to Sansa Stark how much do you regret your first crush”

The Wall
Aight, Benioff and Weiss, I know you wanna do an hour-long Battle o’ The Hairy People next week, and I know Season 2’s “Blackwater” was insanely good, but I’m not so sure that was a good call.  Everything but “I’m bored” is spoilers so I gotta hold off.  I shall patiently wait and then probably post whatever opinion I’ve got formed already.  Jon your hair is still pretty.

Oh LOOK Jon’s still sad and Sam’s sad and everyone is sad and literally nothing has happened all season that matters RIP Moletown MOVING RIGHT ALONG

Essos
I’m oddly very angry about the fact that Braavos is still in the opening credits when we haven’t seen people there, but my queen Sansa’s current location is not.  Please to fix right now.

So, Missandei and Grey Worm.  I am Team Missandei and Grey Worm so much it’s out of control.  Yes, once again, we are catering to the male gaze (Nathalie Emmanuel is so gorgeous it’s scary), but this was one time in the show where I was only like 40% pissed off that they showed a naked woman and no naked men.  I’m pretty sure it’s because the male gaze was played this week by Grey Worm, and I trust Grey Worm because Missandei does.  I kinda loved her little girlfreeeen time with Dany: as a friend pointed out, they are both still teenage girls, maybe a bit older, but it just fit so well.  And then the dialogue between her and Grey Worm broke my heart so badddddd guysssss ahhhh.  His speech was beautiful, especially since he used the Common Tongue to show Missandei she is teacher good, but he also clearly needs to work through some stuff, because duuuuude she’s great but literally nothing is worth going through Unsullied training.  “I never meet Missandei” shut up I’m not crying YOU’RE crying

The hatred I had for the stupid, stupid, stupid Talisa/Robb storyline from Season 3 made me doubt the ability of the producers and writers to add anything to the storyline that wasn’t already in there and have it be a positive addition.  I’m totally taking that back.  This is easily my favorite relationship of this season and it makes me feel so so much.  There’s book purism, and then there’s having a goddamn heart, so if you’re mad that they added this WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS  justkiddingsortof.  I’m so so happy we’re spending time on these two and the way this season’s been going maybe I’ll just stop watching and annoy HBO until we get a spin-off where Missandei and Grey Worm rule the world.

Bye Jorah byyyyye.  I eye-rolled so hard at his “no but it’s okay that I spied on you and as a direct result you almost died because I LUVVV you” and I eye-rolled just as hard in the books.  I’m glad he got his, in particular because he’s like the grossest “I WOULD DO ANYYYTHIIIIN FOR LOVE, BUT I WON’T DO THAT (unless “that” is “get into the slave trade” because then I’LL DO THAAAAAT)” of any character in this series.  No seriously, guys, fun fact, he tried to make his second wife so happy on his sad, cold Bear Island and she wouldn’t be happy so he went into crazy debt trying to buy her shit and tried to get out of it by trading in slaves.  Soooo romantic.  Ugh.  We read this scene from Dany’s POV in the books, and therefore I remember her being less “FU” and more “FU but I’m sad and conflicted about it” but that is kinda hard to portray in the show.

Andrew has started sometimes referring to himself, for no reason, as “The Daddy of Dragons,” so now I’m laughing at a lot of the Dany scenes and now you must join me

Sansa
BOW. DOWN. YOUR QUEEN IS SPEAKING.  I was kinda annoyed at “Lysa’s suicide…she was always a troubled woman” because what but seriously Sansa I love you and Littlefinger’s little grin because he’s so proud and goddamn I’m so proud also.  I know I can’t retroactively get everyone on board the Sansa ship four years ago but I can damn well give high-fives to everyone now.  I can also make sure people don’t start calling her “badass” suddenly and talk about how she’s starting to play the game because shut up, sit there in your eternal error and I’ll come fetch you when you’ve figured it out.

Also I am assuming Cinna helped her with her new dress.  Sansa Stark is: The Mockingjay

Arya and the Hound
Arya’s laugh was perhaps my favorite “little” thing just far this season because it’s just this great LOL EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND NEVER GETS BETTER and it’s just spot on with the show.  The fact that we just got to the Vale worries me plot-wise but eh.  Maisie Williams you wonderful human keep it up.

Our blades are sharp
So, my Asshole Moment of the Week was right after Theon tells his Ironbros “no we’ll totally make sure you’re safe no worries.”  One of the people I watch with was like “are they really gonna be safe” and my reaction, because I am a punk, was “*SNORT* nooooope” because nope.  Oh yeah and in case you forgot the Boltons flay people, so glad we got to see that, everything is gross and sad and made of mud, I guess but Ramsay’s gonna tell us with his puppy dog face how it’s an art ughhhhhh

More importantly, ROOOOOOOSE.

tutimon886: Father and son moment

I can’t decide if I like bearded Roose or clean shaven Roose more but his cloak-swishing remains magnificent, and his shade-throwing remains pristine, and he is a stone-cold motherfucker forever and I love it.  That said, the hell was this scene?  My tweet for this was legit “the hell is this Simba shit, can u not Ramsay” and I stand by that.  Like can we not spend time on the most messed up family dynamic in the Seven Kingdoms (“I killed all these people for YOU, Daddy!”) by doing a weird-ass “just don’t go to the elephant graveyard” thing and making Ramsay even a little bit likable?  Stop it.  This scene was dumb.  As much as I love Roose’s “the incompetence around me is incredible” face I really hope we spend no more time than necessary on some weird “daddy look I brought you Moat Cailin aren’t you proooooud” BS.  I’d rather watch Jon be sad and wet and cold and we know how much I love watching that.

That being said, I would pay so much money to see a choreographed Bolton and Lannister production of “Be Prepared” with the one and only Lord Bolton as Scar.  I need this and now you need it too.

Roosefasa.

Trial by battle
I’ll get there in a second but can I just…the fuck was up with that beetles speech, dear GOD.  Someone put the interns back in their cages.  It’s like someone went “so Dinklage probably has the Emmy nom wrapped up but let’s try to fix that by giving him the dumbest speech ever.”  Also seriously this weird “let’s hang in my dungeon” thing he’s doing with Jaime? Not a fan.  I just…this scene, man.  We could have had another five minutes of Oberyn and we got some beetles.

On to my beautiful Pedro.  I liked Oberyn in the books, not necessarily because he’s a good guy, but because he’s such a good character.  In the show? I like him so much more, and I really hope Pedro Pascal gets an Emmy for his portrayal because I was liking it more and more but this episode made it for me.  I didn’t necessarily even agree with all the lines he got, or his costuming, or anything, but I just really think Pedro MADE a character out of what is frankly not a ton of book material and I loved it.  Also apparently he did acrobatic martial arts training for this scene and UNF it looked so good and he tweeted “Ouch.” on Sunday night and he’s just lovely and it’s truly a shame the show won’t have him anymore.

Ellaria’s “don’t leave me alone in this world” and the cut to her screaming no really it’s fine it’s just my tears themselves are crying, goddamn it I knew it was coming and it was still terrible.  I wish they had kept out Oberyn’s pointing to Tywin and had just kept him doing “You raped her.  You murdered her.  You killed her children.”  because even though it’s very Inigo Montoya it was SO effective in the book and to hear the Mountain admit it right as he kills Oberyn was just MY HEART EVERYTHING IS PAIN.

I’m pissed at the show for leaving out what I thought was a very important point: why do they call him the Red Viper?  Andrew figured it out and I’m bursting with pride for him but I’m also mad at the show.  Basically, I thought the battle itself was well done, but most of the stuff around it was not so great.  I’m not explaining myself well but I’ve deleted and rewritten this paragraph several times and it hasn’t gotten better so hopefully it makes sense but I can clarify if needed? Maybe?

There’s some casting out for Dorne for next season and that’s easing the pain a bit but the combination of a weak episode and the most gruesome death of a liked character so far is getting me down, guys.  And next week I have to watch Jon Snow’s hair fight off Mance Rayder who is like not even in this show any more and ughhhhh.  Stupid bar exam.  Stupid Mountain. Stupid series.

cheer me up guyz I need ittttttt

 

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 7: “Mockingbird”

May 31, 2014

Oh gosh, guys, this one’s even harder to not screw up and post spoilers.  I’m trying I swear.

Also this is my new favorite feminist GoT joke:
“All men must di-”
BURSTS IN
“not all men”

Arya and the Hound
Protip, don’t tell Arya your name.  She might not even want to kill you but it’s probably better to be safe.

My tweet for the second half of this scene said “this is a very sweet scene between Arya and the Hound but why does it exist” and I stand by that.  I know they’re fan favorites and I completely understand why, but they truly suffer from an overall Good Guys characterization based mostly on the fact that they hate the same people we hate, pretty much.  Neither the Hound , nor Arya, is actually “good.”  Basically almost no one on the show is.  That isn’t to say that what Gregor did to Sandor was in any way okay (because dude, hol shit, putting your little brother’s face in the fire? what the hell is wrong with you???), and God knows Arya’s got some really good reasons for wanting everyone to die, but neither of them is pure as the driven snow and I really wish the fandom could accept that.

Dany/Essos
Still not aboard the Daario ship (including any of that armada he stole for her HEY-OOO), but honestly? Super happy we got to see 1. a woman who’s not being paid for it initiating sex and 2. consensual sex where we’re not stripping the woman.  Well, I mean, we didn’t see it, technically, because HBO decided for once in its history to cut a sex scene.  The best line I saw about why they chose to cut it was “probably because it was consensual” so WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN, HBO?

Michael Huisman is clearly attractive, I just still don’t get why she’d go for him.  Is anyone out there seriously liking him?  I’m also vaguely bothered by his “I am good at fighting and women and the one woman I want doesn’t want me” jam because SURE BRO like you KNOW he’s been getting plenty and he’s straight up lying to her.  I’d also kinda like to see him fight that wasn’t just like a knife throw?  I know battles are expensive but you dropped a ton of money to light Jojen’s hand on fire so can we see him fight, please?  Ugh.  Anyway.  Idk, he just reminds me of a dude at the gym who like shakes out his arms for like ten minutes to do one Olympic lift with shitty form and then drops the bar loudly on the floor and then gives that little upward nod to everyone and then attempts to hit on a girl with headphones doing speedwork on a treadmill.  Can U Not.

This scene also gets ruined if you picture him with his stupid little cloth necklace thing still on when he’s otherwise naked.  It’s the Essos equivalent of attempting to get busy but leaving your dress socks on.  IT’S BUSINESS, IT’S BUSINESS TIME

I wonder how pissed Margaery is that Dany’s stealing her cutouts jam.  Emilia Clarke you so fine but your design team is a little pervy.  Jorah Is The Saddest Sack, Episode 1,874 did well this week, although I was totally on board when I was reading the books (even though this scene is a little off) being like “he’s annoying with the love stuff but Dany seriously do not bang a sellsword.  Not safe.  Do not have sex, or you will get betrayed and die.”

Jon and the Night’s Watch
HAVE THE GODDAMN BATTLE ALREADY LITERALLY NO ONE CARES ANYMORE

110% done with this storyline, Jon’s got stuff left in the end of book 3 but we’re like still at the Red Wedding time-wise in the show and his character is suffering the most from “we really don’t wanna do book 4 because all the faves are gone.”  I don’t have anything else to put here other than maybe that Lindsay-Lohan-as-Liz-Taylor gif.  I’M BORED.  I’M SO BORED.

Dragonstone
Why is Melisandre naked in this scene in some weird bath that doesn’t actually bathe her?  Why is Melisandre naked in this scene?  Why is Melisandre in this scene?  Why this scene? Why is Melisandre? Why, actually?  Why?  WHY?  This fuckin’ show, man.  I don’t even know.

Tyrion
Gregor Clegane is in fact The Mountain That Can’t Last More Than A Season but the new one’s perfect.  (He’s a legit Strongman competitor and roughly 380 pounds of muscle and I love it.)

So, in the books (this is a significant plot difference but technically not a spoiler, but if you’re reading the books and want to form your own opinion, maybe don’t read this paragraph), Tyrion knows that the Mountain is Cersei’s champion before his trial even begins, knows that Jaime is Buster Bluth and still sucks at swording, and Oberyn comes to him sneakily after the first day of his trial like “yoooo we hate the same people lemme fight ’em for you” and so Tyrion actually has a plan before he goes in.  The way they did it in the show seemed really off and particularly out of character for Tyrion: bro is a planner before anything else, and to act like he’d be all “whaaaaa Jaime you can’t fight I HAD NO IDEA” is just odd.  I really did enjoy Oberyn’s “you’re the first Lannister who has shared my enthusiasm for dead Lannisters” line, though.  I felt the show did a quite good job at making it clear that Oberyn’s 100% here for his own stuff, which means revenging Elia’s death, but I did enjoy his little “I know you’re not a monster” insinuation.  Goddamn it I wanna talk more about this but I can’tttttt.  No spoilers.

I am frankly SHOCKED that the same people who were trending #fuckShae were not also doing #fuckBronn, SHOCKED I TELL YOU.  Of course I’m not.  Anyway, again, the Bronn conversation happens before Tyrion chooses a trial by combat, so it’s not like “oh shit my sellword won’t fight.”  I don’t remember being that mad at Bronn in the books for refusing to fight, and they did take most of the dialogue straight from the books for this scene, so I guess they played that right.  However, fun fact: in the books, Lollys, Bronn’s new bride, is “half-witted,” meaning she’s developmentally disabled, and she’s pregnant because she was raped in the King’s Landing riot where Sansa was also almost raped, back in season 2.  Therefore, I was not too mad at Bronn for not fighting for Tyrion (it’s a smart move), I was mad at people for giving Lollys to him.  Plus he’s totes gonna kill her sister and be the lord and ugh.  Again, group him in with people like the Hound that everyone is like “yeahhh my BRO” and he’s actually pretty terrible.

Brienne and Pod
The Hot Pie That Was Promised YESSSSS.  (If y’all think I’m getting sick of this joke think againnnn).  Love Hot Pie.  My kinda dude.  Stay away from the war and feed people.  Also for reals look at how good his direwolfy bread skills got?  Love you Hot Pie.

Can someone tell me if Brienne ever actually announces that they’re looking for Sansa specifically rather than a girl with red hair?  I don’t remember her doing it, but I haven’t gone and looked it up because I’d have to go through A Feast for Crows, so nope.  Anyone know offhand/want to sacrifice their happiness and dig through that stupid book?  (I didn’t HATE-hate it, it was just such a bleh book.)  Brienne’s obviously not brilliant but it seemed extra dumb for her to be like SANSA STARK WHERE SHE AT to a stranger, but I really could be remembering this wrong.

Sansa and the Eyrie
Twitter freaking BLEW UP with “Frozen” jokes at Sansa’s Eyrie scene but I still haven’t seen the movie like the jackass that I am so I didn’t get any of the jokes.  Sansa is the greatest haters out the goddamn Moon Door.  Sophie Turner, amazing.  The scene in the snow was just as creeptastic in the books as it was in the show, but OH MY GOD they actually had to shoot it and ughhhhh.  Aidan Gillen, I mean, I guess you’re doing your job right because I feel sick to my stomach just looking at your face?  Idk, guys.

ANYWAY.  “Flysa Arryn” caught on and I lol’ed because I’m terrible but nice pun, Twitter.  This was, for me, perhaps the third biggest surprise in book 3: I remember gasping out loud when I read it.  However, I don’t think the show did it justice?  (Of course would love to hear from nonbookreaders to see if the suspense worked.)  First of all, there is this gross other dude there, Marillion, who is this minstrel who tries to hit on Sansa and doesn’t really matter, except for this scene he totes does because Littlefinger needed someone to blame it on?  So what are you gonna do now, bro?  Can’t blame Sansa!

I’m generally (hopefully?) not too annoying about “but they said it differently in the books!!!!111” but this is one scene that I really think they should have stuck to the source material.  Martin describes Lysa as falling silently, and that really struck a chord with me, because she’s in shock that he’d do that and can’t react (how I read it) and I wish they had done that.  Also, dammit, Benioff and Weiss, you had ONE JOB and that was to let Baelish say “only Cat” not “your sister” and you done fucked up, son.  It’s a better line and if people can’t remember Catelyn that is their own damn fault and they should sit there in their confusion and DEAL WITH IT.

I’m sorry I’m so slow on this, bar prep is eating my life, I love you all for reading it and I will try to take notes DURING the show this week so maybe I can write faster.