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Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1: “The Red Woman”

April 27, 2016

GUESS WHO’S BACK / BACK AGAIN

Hey there fellow kids, I a back reviewing this on-fire garbage can of a show because I hate myself I guess idk idk.

The Wall

Okay so realtalk Ghost is the best part of this show don’t @ me.  Just an all-around great pupper and I will hear no discussion of the matter.

So I am not hating on how they’re handling this right now??? Like I’m honestly not mad?  Davos is Davos-ing real good: I particularly enjoyed his “you’ll have to come back later we’re trying to escape” line to Alliser Thorne.  Davos is best when he’s assessing the situation in a Gimli-esque fashion and he did a great job.  Also shoutout to Dolorous Edd for making me tear up.  Man, I hope that Kit had to actually lie there for all of these scenes, especially the ones where his eyes are open. “Kit don’t laugh, you’re messing up the shot. Don’t laugh, Kit. CHRISTOPHER, DO NOT LAUGH”

Alliser Thorne’s speech (despite being lit by a single candle a mile away like COME ON I get it but we wanna actually SEE the show) was quite good, and I don’t even mind that the dialect coach was like “okay I need you to sound like a slightly sloshed Edinburgh man in a pub after a hard-fought football win…no but even more accent.  More than that.  Keep going, I’ll tell you when.” In general, though, this is something I could picture happening in the books. Davos isn’t there when this goes down, but *shrug* I’m on board, and I’m interested to see how the wildlings play out.

If Melisandre could get like 5 minutes where she’s not trying to fuck someone that would be A+, and yes I am counting 1. the dudebros in the audience and 2. herself in a mirror.  This was also a silly reveal for me.  She can do magic.  We know. We read it in Hogwarts, a History.  Who cares. From my reading of the books she could be a crocodile for all we know. Emilio Unimpresstevez.  Additionally, a ton of the fandom lost their minds because we saw an older woman naked and OH MY GOD MY EYES.  Earlier in the episode we saw a spear come out of a man’s head but yes by all means continue in the vein of “elderly nudity is always repulsive.” Do better, show.

The North

If I have to watch one more goddamn minute of Ramsay doing anything but dying I stg

What can stay, though, is Roose Bolton’s consistent and complete disappointment in his son.  His brand is disdain and I am Here For It. Also thank you boo for the shoutout to Fat Walda, my favorite tertiary character, may she live forever.

And then we have Sansa and Reek and Brienne and Pod, and I don’t even care that perhaps it would have been difficult for Brienne to find them, because this scene was perfection.  Like I am borderline willing to forgive them for the rest of this episode because this scene exists.  Gwendoline Christie was criminally underused in The Force Awakens and I want to cry if I think about her or Brienne or this scene too much.  She just gives Sansa this look like she’s got a reason to live and to be a knight again, and Sansa AND Reek AND Pod all look at Brienne like their avenging angel savior.  And Pod prompting Sansa’s half of the oath???? TEARS FOR DAYS

This is the first time Sansa’s been around a person who is looking out for her in years and this is her FIRST HUG IN YEARS and oh God my heart my HEART, GUYS

King’s Landing

The entire Faith of the Seven plotline is being compared to the Inquisition with the subtlety of an axe wound and it looks like they’re going for two axe wounds this season.  We gon’ drag this out a few more eps, huh? Great, wake me up when Sept-ember ends

Jaime’s face on that boat is “yeah boo idk our daughter is non-canonically dead I don’t know what to tell you” and it’s kinda sad but it’s also kinda stupid. You know what else was stupid? Jaime’s speech to Cersei about “we will take back everything they took from us and more.” Homie, you are down two kids and a sword hand, it’s not like your apartment refused to give back your security deposit.  “Don’t worry Cersei, I will GROW ANOTHER HAND” like what is your goal here dude

Nickolaj is still really pretty and they are letting progressively lower ranking interns work on Cersei’s wigs’ color

Dorne

I

Okay

What

What happened here.  Like. Did we try, to do anything, at all, or.  Like you had Alexander Siddig (!!!) as Doran Martell (!!!!) and you did absolutely nothing and then killed him.  My assumption is that Siddig went to the producers and was like “okay I’ve watched Season 5 and you need to get me off this fucking sinking ship immediately no I don’t care if you murder me I am DONE” and then they in fact murdered him.

I had a tweet low-key blow up on Sunday and it said the below

“You let Oberyn be murdered” Okay not to be contrary but that was at least a *little* bit Oberyn’s fault #GameofThrones

Let’s set aside that book Ellaria is a flower made of feelings and really doesn’t want to see any more death.  Let’s set aside that Arianne is not in the show at all.  Let’s set aside the fact that portraying the Sand Snakes as Ellaria’s kids on the show is some Sally-Field-is-Tom-Hanks’-Mom-in-Forrest-Gump-level fantasy.  This entire plot line is so freaking stupid I don’t even know what to do.  Family is dead so let’s kill more family including Trystane whose only crime is having good hair?  Doran is stupid enough to get dead that way?  Areo Hotah??? is stupid enough??? to get dead that way??? And the Sand Snakes are absolute show poison and remind me of that weird bad lady in Transporter 2 (screw you guys I’m not the only one who likes Jason Statham)

The whole Oberyn thing is like a version of Louis CK’s “Of Course But Maybe” sketch.  Of course, when a person is killed in a fight to the death, it’s sad, of *course*.  It’s especially horrible when it’s incredibly violent and vicious, and the deceased’s family is there to see him die.  Of COURSE. …but *maybe*, if you volunteer as a champion in a trial by combat that is by law going to end in death and the guy you’re fighting is called The Mountain and he’s like basically undefeated and he kills you while you’re monologue-ing, it’s a tiny bit your fault??  Maybe, if you pick up a spear and come after a guy and the guy comes back at you, it’s not that weird??

Just like, B&W, you’re lost here, admit you’re lost, admit killing Myrcella was stupid, admit you’re a disaster, and atone for killing Doran Martell and wasting ours and Siddig’s time.

Meereen and surrounding areas

If I have to watch one more dramatic walk and talk on the parapets between Tyrion and Varys I stg like DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING.  Like maybe GUARD YOUR SHIPS, YOU DOOFUSES.  Tyrion is fascinating as a character but the show’s insistence on just handing him things is just obnoxious and nap-inducing.  And Tyrion, don’t worry about your Valyrian not being so good, since they’re writing “Kill the Masters” in English on the walls so *shrug*. I will give them props for Varys’ sassy comeback to Tyrion’s “we have to make them feel she hasn’t abandoned them” line, because “she did fly the fuck away on a dragon and hasn’t come back so” is pretty great.  Otherwise, I don’t care and I’m still mad about Barristan so this bodes well obvs.

And as to Dany, I’m not entirely sure how no one in charge of this khalasar knows who she is. Like there are not many white-haired queen-looking people around, and while I get they are supposed to be some kind of Noble Independent Savage (seriously the show aaaand the book to be honest started poorly with the Dothraki portrayal and has not gotten less racist) but does NO ONE know who she is???

This entire set of scenes squicked me out pretty badly.  They took the time to develop a whole new language and they wasted it on “I banged your grandma” jokes, which are awful jokes to begin with and even *less* okay because Dany is walking next to two men who are chatting about how they’ll rape her.  Like on what planet is this supposed to be amusing?  I don’t know if the goal there was to show how smart Dany is because she understands what they’re saying, but that doesn’t give her any power.  She just knows more details about her awful situation.  Same goes for her meeting Khal Moro: hahaha yeah we havin a battle about what the best thing in the world is while this lady is waiting to die NOPE NO THANKS.

And now to everyone’s favorite Baritone 2 at the Renaissance Faire’s “Lord Blakely’s Merry Men,” we have Daario, doing his absolute best to combine Aragorn’s scruffiness with Legolas’ distant looks and trying my patience to its ABSOLUTE LIMIT.  YOU ARE THE MOST GENERIC MAN EVER TO SIT ATOP A HORSE, AND I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOUR APPEAL.

TAKE ME DOWN TO THE PARADISE CITY / WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND THE DIALOGUE SHITTY

TAKE ME DOWN TO THE PARADISE CITY / WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND THE DIALOGUE SHITTY

This. This scene.  This is why I started reading A Song of Ice and Fire.  I wanted to watch one bro tease another bro about not being able to get that blonde queen booty while he most definitely has, while the second bro plots the first bro’s death and tries to remember the guitar fingerings for “Creep.”  This is what I signed up for and this is why I’m here.  This entire plotline needs to get greyscale I hate everything whyyyyy

Literally I’m just here so I don’t get fined/ can maybe see some Tullys and Greyjoys at some point WE OUT

 

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Just Greyjoy things

February 18, 2016

Just a collection of my thoughts on the Ironborn, who are the biggest group of absolutely bonkers pirates in this entire series

Ironborn: oh sweet look at this set of islands they can be all ours if we want

Ironborn: wait shit nothing grows here…fuck it let’s pretend it was on purpose

Ironborn: WE DO NOT SOW

Continue Reading…

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Uncategorized

The Red High School Musical

January 22, 2016

This was a wedding celebration, but she had never felt more weary.  She was satisfied with the peace she had brokered between the basketball team and the theater kids, but the merriment of the hall was lost on her.  Catelyn had been seated between Troy Bolton and Ser Wendel Manderly, the latter of whom still busied himself with a leg of lamb.

At least Robb* looks happy, looks his age a bit, she thought.  Her basketball king bounced in time to the quick beat of the drums.  She looked to the dancers and saw Edwyn Frey wrench his arm from Dacey Mormont’s grip.  “I’m done with dancing for the nonce,” said Edwyn, too loudly, “and you shouldn’t have done the jazz square.” He shoved Dacey aside and stalked toward the doors to the hall.

Dacey stared after him with a puzzled expression, and Catelyn heard her mutter, “everyone loves a good jazz square.”  Doubt gripped Catelyn’s heart where an instant before had been only weariness.  She grabbed Troy by the arm to turn him and went cold all over when she felt the leotard beneath his silken jersey.

The drums slowed their beat, echoing more loudly across the walls as if the stones themselves were playing.  No one sang the words, but Catelyn knew “Stick to the Status Quo” when she heard it.  In a coat of gold or a coat of red, a Wildcat still has claws.   And while your head might be in the game, my lord, your heart is in the song.

Robb bounced after Edwyn Frey, and Catelyn called out after him.  He turned, and a quarrel sprouted from beneath a black rib.  Another sprouted from the L in the Spalding logo, and Robb fell to the ground.  She watched her son’s orange, dimpled skin begin to deflate.

“Mother…what team?” hissed Robb as the air left him.

“wildcats,” replied Catelyn.

The doors burst open in a cloud of sequins and spotlight, and Catelyn saw Ser Ryman Frey bury a set piece in Dacey’s stomach.  Ser Wendel’s mouth had dropped open at the bright display, and two Frey men-at-arms took advantage of his inaction and began applying his stage makeup.

Above it all, Ms. Darbus watched her chapel of the arts.

“Heh,” she said, “seems we auditioned some of your men.  But they’ll get their heads in the game, that’ll mend them again.”

Catelyn grabbed a handful of Sharpay’s long hair and dragged her out of her hiding place.  “On my honor as a Tully,” “on my honor as a member of East High Class of 2008, I will trade your lady’s life for Robb’s.  A theater kid for a basketball.  Robb, run the give and go. GO!”

Ms. Darbus smiled.  “A player for a player, heh.  But that’s an understudy, and she’s going to get incredibly fucking annoying in the sequel.”

Troy Bolton, in dark armor and a bright red jersey stepped up to Robb.  “The Outside ‘J’ sends his regards.”  He thrust a Playbill through the center of the basketball, and twisted.

Catelyn stood motionless as the new cast of the ‘Twinkle Town Musicale’ grabbed her arms and legs, and forced her feet into character shoes.  It tickled, and she laughed until she screamed.  “Mad, she’s lost her wits, yikes” she heard, and felt someone grab her hair. No, don’t, don’t cut my hair, the state basketball championships are televised.   Then the microphone was at her throat, and they were all in this together.

 

*played here by an actual basketball**

**no, I don’t know what is wrong with me either

 

 

Uncategorized

Romantic comedy review: “27 Dresses”

January 10, 2016

Hey, everyone!  Did you think I was joking? Because I was not joking even a little when I said I would start a series reviewing romantic comedies.  I’m more than happy to take requests, and I’m starting with one of my favorites.

27 Dresses (2008)

Twenty_seven_dresses

Rating: 8/10

Couple: James Marsden and Katherine Heigl

Best scene: Singing Benny and the Jets at the bar

Best line: “oh, do you also go around telling small children that Santa Claus doesn’t exist?  Because someone needs to blow that shit wide open.”

Romcom tropes: Judy Greer as the sassy best friend, gorgeous girl who is somehow alone, weddings

You wanna go, on this?  Let’s go.  This is a great movie and I will fight you on it.  Not joking even a tiny bit.

For those of you who aren’t In The Know, this movie is about Jane (Katherine Heigl), a woman who has been a bridesmaid in 27 weddings so far and pretty much takes care of everybody’s life.  She is crazy in love with her boss (Edward Burns) who has no idea, and the drama begins when her younger sister Tess (Malin Ackerman) comes to town and they of course start dating and then of course get engaged and of course Jane is maid of honor of COURSE.  James Marsden plays Kevin, the journalist covering Tess’ wedding.

There are a couple slight missteps in this movie, I’ll admit that.  When Jane finds out that Kevin is, in fact, her favorite wedding columnist, her response is “I feel like I just found out that my favorite love song was written about a sandwich.”  First of all: no. No, you don’t.  That’s a very specific emotion and I doubt you’ve had it before.  Secondly: no, that’s not how people talk.  Like what, you had that line prepared, in case…that happened?  Noooope.  It’s kind of a shame, because the rest of Jane’s lines are totally reasonable (she shoots down Kevin early on with a “oh, how refreshing! A man who doesn’t believe in marriage!” which like HELL YES good job lady).  Also, Judy Greer is a great Sassy Best Friend (SBF) but ugh I feel like this girl has a reasonable negligent infliction of emotional distress claim on all of Hollywood.  Let her be something else.  In addition, this is a White People Movie, and there are some actual racist jokes in this movie, including Jewish and Indian stereotypes in the opening scenes, and a moment in a Japanese wedding where lol Katherine Heigl has to lol kneel because she’s so tall and Asian women are lol short lol um no can u not.

Finally, can someone please explain to me the appeal of Edward Burns please and thank you.  I just Do Not Understand.  He is so generic that I regularly forget his name (I have called him “the dude who isn’t Matt Damon or the translator who inexplicably lives through Saving Private Ryan”), and every line he delivers makes me want to yell CAN YOU SPEAK UP PLEASE.  Like he could be “you know that guy Todd, from work” at every single workplace.  idk, sorry if he’s your thing, but he’s like every generic above-average white dude in a bar to me.  Wear those khakis, Ed.  BE the khakis.  You ARE the khakis.

ON TO THE GOOD STUFF

  • James Marsden

I will admit, part of this is because when I saw this movie, I was straight off the high that was Disney’s “Enchanted” where he plays the most perfect prince to ever prince so he could have phoned this in entirely and I still would have loved him.  HOWEVER HE DID NOT AND IT’S AMAZING.  He is a perfect romantic comedy lead: he has the good timing lines, he’s freaking adorable, and he’s like honestly not too much of a dick?  Yes yes yes I agree the newspaper column was some bullSHIT (homie you knew she was gonna publish that, you KNEW) and frankly do not write in a woman’s planner ever or she will justifiably murder you but STILL.  His divorce backstory is believable and delivered well by Marsden.  And finally, can I just…

  • Benny and the Jets

This scene is everything, my heartttttt.  I appreciate that the film recognizes that this song is a great way to get a bunch of strangers to sing together, and that no one has any idea what the fuck the lyrics are.  Heigl and Marsden are too adorable to function in this scene and I start giggling every time I hear this song and THIS SCENE IS THE FEEL-GOOD MOVIE OF THE YEAR OKAY FIGHT ME I LOVE IT

  • Katherine Heigl is likable in this movie

So many people walked out of the theater like “I do not like this woman but…ah, shit, she’s delightful here.”  Like, we buy that she looks like Katherine Heigl but is somehow the long-suffering uncool sister/friend.  Like HOW DID YOU PULL THAT OFF.  There were people ready to straight-up murder you for something related to Grey’s Anatomy (I don’t watch the show I’m assuming it was mafia-related) and you just showed up and SWING AND A HIT.  Not since Jaime Lannister have we had a redemption arc this impressive and then probably fucked up by some writers DID YOU MISS ME, GUYS

  • The dresses

I don’t know the team responsible but God bless you all.  They are beautifully over-the-top, the scene where she tries them on is a ridiculous and delightful montage, the shiny-ness of some formal fabrics is demonstrated To Great Effect, and man, weddings can be weird.  I have not been in a wedding or at a wedding where I was like “wut happened this bad” but man you get stories and pictures and weddings are WEIRD, yo.  Also has anyone actually been to a Gone With the Wind wedding because TELL ME EVERYTHING PLEASE I MUST KNOW.

  • The vague job

This is a silly thing for me to appreciate but this movie goes H.A.M. on the “what the fuck do they even do at this workplace” front and it’s just AMAZING.  I love it when romantic comedies give the heroine the vaguest job possible and this movie is just A+ and it makes me laugh every time I see it.  Like she could work for Subaru’s ad department or a trendy dentist I have no idea and it will never ever not be funny.

  • This movie is not terrible to women

You know the weird cattiness that surrounds a lot of these movies?  Like someone cooked down The Bachelor and Bride Wars meth-style and injected it into every female character and then yelled ACTION?  Could have been SO easy here, and it didn’t happen.  Jane saves all of her bridesmaid dresses, and when questioned by Kevin why she would do that, she says “I have a lot of friends and I like to keep them” and “I’ve had a lot of really good times in those dresses.”  Like, awwww.  Good job boo.

Additionally, Jane is Stressed Out because of her sister dating her crush, but she is genuinely not angry at her until her sister pulls the big no-no of both lying to the dude and cutting up their mom’s wedding dress for her dress.  The movie doesn’t treat Tess that well, but you know what? Jane actually does, and when Jane’s SBF says “you cannot plan your sister’s wedding to the man you are in love with, it’s sick,” Jane responds with “to be fair, she didn’t know I was in love with him when they got together.”  Oh my goodness, movie, you did good.  Jane struggles with her jealousy but isn’t like “bitch I saw him first” at ANY POINT and I’m just SO IMPRESSED.

Her giant moment of selling Tess out and calling her on all her lies is soooo uncomfortable that I have muted it and/or skipped past it while watching (I cannot cannot watch people embarrass themselves in front of other people not even in movies I cannot), and the movie actually lets you feel complicated emotion towards it.  On one hand you’re like OOOOH BURN GO JANE but when the SBF comes out and is like “if that were the right thing to do, wouldn’t you feel better about it?” Because yes, she probably did need to say something, but at a party in front of everyone who matters with a slideshow is not the time or place or fashion.

They also make Tess a Real Person with Real Stuff to deal with and you’re supposed to hate her a little bit but not a lot!  Which is remarkable!  She’s a gorgeous woman in fashion and she’s allowed to be a human!  With flaws!  Who is still worth loving!  Holy SHIT, movie!

I just appreciate in movies when women are nice to each other and do things for each other and while this is not a perfect representation and I could have done without the “lol she made them all wear their dresses at the end” bit it’s still really really adorable and she has her friends and she’s got her SBF and she’s got her sister and awwww.  I love it.  I love it I love it it was great and I will watch it at any time or place.

B-B-B-BENNY AND THE JETS

 

Uncategorized

It’s 2016 and I’m back

January 3, 2016

Hey there everyone!  Welcome to my new online home.

A significant number of my old posts have been transferred over here, so if you’re looking to reread my Game of Thrones episode reviews from the beginning, go ahead and start here.

I’m hoping to wrap up some reviews of Season 5, possibly review Season 6, and start up a couple new projects.

Nerding

My lack of hipness extends far and wide

January 3, 2016

Yes, a ton of my nerd stuff revolves around sci-fi and fantasy novels.  BUT, I am also a giant loser about many other things!  Here are some of my favorites, and this post is 6000% selfish because I just wanna talk about my feelings with people.   Feeeeeeelingsssssssss

Avatar: The Last Airbender
(apologies in advance because I am not caught up even a little bit on Korra)
(also no I don’t want to talk about M. Night’s movie do not even go there I will cry)

Iroh: “It is time for you to look inward and begin asking yourself the big questions: Who are you? And what do you want?”

Ohhhh yeah, American anime designed for kids.  Get at me. My lovely friend Adam introduced me to this show my sophomore year of college, and started the introduction of the show with “okay, this is going to sound kind of weird, but there’s this kids’ show, and it’s really good, so, um…would you want to see an episode?” And I did, and it was great.

The show’s introduction gives you a good idea of what it’s about, and what it’s about is EPIC: the world in which the show takes place has been experiencing a hundred years of war, caused by the Fire Nation.  The Fire Nation is made partially of firebenders: those with the ability to manipulate fire and (sometimes) lightning.  The Earth Kingdom, the Water Tribes, and the Air Nomads each have their own abilities in similar fashion.  The Avatar from the title cycles through the four nations, until the most recent Avatar died, and the Air Nomads were next.  The Fire Nation knew the Avatar was supposed to be reborn into the Air Nomads, so they killed them all.  Literally all of them.  Yep, this is a kids’ show.

The “for kids” aspect of this whole show just means they usually don’t show blood, they don’t swear, and death happens off screen, but that is where it stops and ends.  There’s war, and love, and serious amount of feelings, and the best redemption arc I’ve ever seen in a series (Jaime Lannister who?)  The art and the music is incredible, the voice acting is superb, and I can’t even say that there’s a weak episode in the whole thing.  The show also has a great sense of self-awareness, and skewers everything from American wrestling (Earthbending arena!) to itself.  Seriously, please, just give this show a shot.

The Discworld novels
“Of course someone would be that stupid.  Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it.  If you put a large switch in a cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End of the World Switch, PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH,’ the paint wouldn’t even have a time to dry.”- Thief of Time

Sir Terry Pratchett is the author of these books, may he rest in peace and entertain the afterlife with his wit, and I really don’t know what to say about them other than please read them and if you’ve already read them I need you to talk to me because oh my goodness they are the bestest.

My closest comparison to explaining these books is a sort of Douglas Adams is to sci-fi what Pratchett is to fantasy, but that is weak and doesn’t fully explain either writer to the best of their abilities.  Pratchett’s world, the Discworld, is first and foremost wonderful satire, but it’s so much more than that.  There are several major story arcs in the series, including witches, the Night Watch, the Wizards of Unseen University (“Now You See It, Now You Don’t”) and Death.  Death is a character who speaks in all capitals and really likes cats.  (If you’re a fan of the series, my favorite story arcs are the Night Watch and Death.)  There are also stand alone books that cover topics like Catholicism during the Spanish Inquisition and women joining the army disguised as men.

I have read most of the books more than once, and several I’ve read about a dozen times (Thief of Time and Night Watch).  Some of the books skewer things like Santa Claus and rock music, and some attempt some heavier stuff.  However, every single book will make you smile, and every single one will make you cry.  I really cannot explain how good these books are.

Starkid
“My name is Draco Malfoy.  I am a racist, I hate Muggles and Mudbloods, I despise Gryffindor House, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents.  Do you want to be my friend?”

This is the production company that originally got famous for “A Very Potter Musical,” which is goddamn amazing and probably the hardest I’ve laughed ever, but they are SO GOOD, YOU GUYS.  I went to one of their shows.  Alone.  I was the only one there who was not 15 or the parents of the 15-year-old.  I’M NOT SORRY THE SHOW WAS SO CUTE AND THEY DESERVE MONEY.

They have since done parody musicals for Batman and Aladdin, in addition to two Harry Potter sequels and you guys, I seriously cannot even explain how hard I laughed at this one.  The opening song for their Aladdin parody, Twisted, starts off with a song modeled after Beauty and the Beast’s opening song, except instead of “Bonjour!,” everyone is saying “f*** you” to Jafar.  In the Batman musical, the actor playing Batman does Christian Bale’s Batman voice the whole time.  I have seriously cried laughing during every single one of these musicals, and they are all on YouTube.  Go forth and laugh forever.

Mystery Science Theater 3000
“Put your helmet on, we’ll be reaching speeds of THREE!” – Space Mutiny

Confession: I am as old as this show.  Okay, my age is not the confession, but clearly I was not a fan of the show when it aired.  About 5 years ago I was working at CTY, and a staff movie night happened, and I did not understand what MST3K was, and my friend explained it as “it’s this guy, and he’s in a spaceship, and he has friends that are robots, and they make fun of movies.  …okay the plot doesn’t matter but it’s funny, it varies from ‘this is pretty funny’ to ‘I cannot breathe I am laughing so hard'” and he’s 100% correct on all fronts.

The show is great, and you should watch it.  They are going to make a new one and I am so goshdarn excited.  As to the old show, you can buy episodes, some are on Netflix, and you should also look up the stars of the show in general. They are still making hilarious stuff and they deserve money.

Jane Austen
“You know it, I’m not putting the quote here” – Me

I’m not sorry.  I really enjoy the novels (Persuasion in particular), and pretty much all of the adaptations I’ve seen.  I also love stuff based on her work, including Clueless, The Jane Austen Book Club, and Austenland.  I…just really like this stuff, guys.

Now, it’s totally cool if Austen isn’t your thing.  You don’t have to like all the things I like.  “I tried one of her books, and I just couldn’t get into it” is a totally valid thought.  “Ugh, dude, nothing happens, it’s not like Hemingway, all they do is talk and get married” is, frankly, not.  Austen touches a nerve for me, because she is the ultimate in the “men write for men and women, women write only for women” problem.  This is a very Katarina Stratford from 10 Things issue (up to and including the fact that Austen is sometimes thrown as a diversity bone to teachers wondering why the school board can’t buy a book written by a black man), but I’m still on Austen’s side.

Also, guys, the Sense and Sensibility adaptation is such a goshdarn gorgeous movie for every possible reason.  Watch that for me, at least, please.

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 4: Sons of the Harpy

May 9, 2015

This entire episode was one long terribly written chapter fanfiction mated with a foghorn noise with a dash of misogyny and a whole heap of racism
This stupid stupid stupid show
I was mad from the literal opening credits because they labeled Sunspear “Dorne” which it’s not, Dorne is the country.  This is yes, kind of minor, but considering that Dorne is home to some of the few people of color we’ve seen on this show, it felt preeeeetty gross watching it.  It’s like having a close up map of Nairobi and labeling it “Africa.” Get it the fuck together, show.

More racism at 11 BUT FIRST

The Wall
Carice van Houten must have signed an agreement in Ghiscari which stated “we promise to keep giving you time on the show, but only in incredibly ridiculous and unnecessary scenes with your boobs out” because gurl WHY. The group I was watching with all legit said “OH COME ON” when that happened because why. why. why is this important or something that would work.  Jon is still mourning Ygritte hugely, and Melisandre, you can feel a heartbeart without undressing.  Learn to take a goddamn pulse, girl.  All in the wrists, HEYYYOOO.  And I didn’t even LIKE Ygritte’s catchphrase but can u not forever plz

Literally the only thing I can say I liked in this whole episode was the scene with Stannis and Shireen.  Shireen is still wonderful, and the scene with Stannis made up for his garbage one with Melisandre tenfold.  This is the stuff I want to see.  I also felt like it was consistent with his character to not say something like “of course I love you, you’re my daughter” but instead to say something like “I was not going to let you die because you are my heir” which is a very Stannis-y thing to say.  Idk guys, I’m trying to find light in the darkness and right now it’s basically only Shireen.  Additionally, I have started to see everything in this show in terms of Arrested Westeros, which is not a bad thing, so of course I immediately thought “Why are you squeezing me with your body” and so did my beloved Scuzzo, who texted me this quote at the same time.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
This is garbage.  This could have been the coolest thing this season because they cut the Greyjoys but no, we have decided to turn this into a Puritan witchhunt with shitty head tattoos and dramatic Westerosi opera music because fuck subtlety??? No no it’s cool everyone knows Loras is gay???  Also King Tommen “Michael Cera” Baratheon, the First of His George Michael Bluth-y Name, King of the Andals and the Banana Stand is trying to talk and it’s adorable but killing me.  I am however slightly enjoying this “I just learned about sex and it is now my sole motivation” because as far as teenage boy accuracy goes, yeah, spot on.
This plot line is not totally off in the show, but whereas the plotline in the book is a subtle embroidery of good politicking, bad politicking, betrayal, surprises, and religion, the show version is Mahler 6’s hammer with a Wagner doing the soundtrack.  UGGGGGHHHH

Don’t you touch Sansa
Clumsy poorly-lit plot exposition oh heyyyyy.  Not even gonna touch the “Stannis will save you don’t you worry your pretty little head about The Worst Person in the World you’re about to marry okay byyyyyye” thing that he does because ughhhhh.
Guys, if you’re watching the show, and haven’t read the books, genuine question: do you know or care who Lyanna Stark was?  I’d discuss this more but I don’t want to get spoiler-y (even if it is just theories at this point).  I personally am fascinated by this back story, but it is, frankly, not hugely important yet to the plot.  It could be, for a whole bunch of reasons, but not yet.  But anyway, what’s the general opinion for non-book people?  I’m annoyed at the way they handled this because OF COURSE I AM I’M ALWAYS MAD because guys, like, on the list of ways I’d like information delivered to me, “in a crypt by Littlefinger who then touches Sansa” is at the bottom, after “by a bullhorn directly in my ear” and “by Daario” FUCK DAARIO MAN

The second worst thing on this show after Daario
Jaime and Bronn screw this entire goddamn plotline forever and this stupid show too.  I hate everything.  You KNOW a twist is bad when Bronn, fucking BRONN, has to be like “hey, uh, you can’t really fight and you’re like mega-recognizable what is the point of this diversion from canon.”  The writers decided Jaime just repeatedly saying “it had to be me” was satisfactory.  You can’t just throw words at an enormous, gaping plothole and throw in some garbage about hunting your brother and the plot hole is now *~*magically*~* filled.  And calm the fuck down, When Harry Met Sally, it did not have to be you.  It could have been literally anybody else and this would have made more sense.  Garbage.  Literal garbage.  That snake getting cooked was the best part of this entire sequence, and immediately after that was Bronn’s decent “why the fucking fuck are you here.”  I didn’t hate Bronn for like one hot second, and then he got the line “all the Dornish like to do is fuck and fight, fight and fuck.”  THIS MAKES THEM DIFFERENT FROM YOU HOOOOOW, SIR.  YOU ARE THE SAME.  TEN YEARS AGO, YOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH JAIME’S GOLD HAND AND HONESTLY PROBABLY HAVE BY NOW ANYWAY JUST FOR KICKS.  STOP BEING RACIST AND WASH YOUR HAIR.

Racism but this time with women!
Additionally, we get our first look at the Sand Snakes, who inexplicably all look the same despite their mothers being completely different human beings plus Nym goes up to Ellaria who is, at best, a decade older than her like “MUM”
CAN WE NOT.  Guys, the oldest Sand Snakes are not related to Ellaria, they are not her daughters.  They are also not effectively gross racist clones of each other because every brown person gets styled the same????  After seeing the curved swords they gave to the Dornish men who got killed by Jaime and Bronn because ooohhhh dark people can’t have straight swords, I am not even a little bit excited to see the portrayal of the Sand Snakes.  If you can’t make actually different characters into actually different characters I am not even a little bit interested.  Plus, you cut Arianne, and it’s looking more and more like you did so because you don’t think we’re smart enough to keep all these women straight.  Ladies be shoppin’ or something????  Also Obara’s story about choosing the spear is pretty freaking cool but ONLY IF WE’RE INTRODUCED TO HER AS A PERSON FIRST.  The script for this scene read like a bad romance novel where the dude is *!*~* super dreeeeammy*!*~* but inexplicably decides to tell you his entire life back story when you meet.  The other characters in the scene know this about her already, and the viewers don’t care.  We’ve gone from Michelle Fairley’s absolutely heartbreaking Season 3 Episode 9 script to this garbage.  I’ve read better fanfiction, and I’m UN-NOYED.

If you were wondering if I could get angrier JUST YOU WAIT

HAAAAAATEEEEEE
The last scene of this show made the least sense and I know it’s just a show, I know, but HBO is touching things I love and ruining them and making money off of a lack of character consistency and killing off characters with important plot roles because they are not mainstream sexy?? or something?? and because we like to see things die for no reason???
Barristan Selmy, while a grandpa, is in fact undefeated in battle.
The Unsullied are raised from birth to no longer feel pain and be utterly superior to everyone else at battle.
The Sons of the Harpy are either 1. rich kids dressed in the Meereenese equivalent of Sperrys and polo shirts or 2. sellswords working for the rich kids and are assassins.  Like, secret.  In secret.  Not daylight.  In darkness.
If this show, if this fucking show, killed off Barristan (and it’s looking like they really might have) to make narrative room for Daario I WILL BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND.  EVERYTHING.  DO YOU HEAR ME, HBO???  DO YOU HEAR ME.  EVERYTHING.  DOWN TO THE REN FAIRE WHERE YOU WROTE DAARIO’S CHARACTER AND FOUND HIS STYLIST.

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 3: High Sparrow

May 3, 2015

Guyssssss I’m struggling to write these because things are getting less funny and more horribly wrong
Halp

Arya and The House of Black and White
Okay, so I do not HATE what they’re doing with Arya.  Many of the scenes they’re showing are not from the books, but they are really pretty cool.  I’ll even ignore the fact that the entire lighting department took a week off when they were shooting her scenes and they had to emergency-hire some fireflies (seriously, The Faceless Men? more like The Squinting Men amirite), but unf, I like it.  The Waif is creepy as heck, and Jaqennnn I do not care even a little bit that you’re decidedly not supposed to be here, Valar Morhaeris (All Men Must Have Your Excellent Hair).  Maisie absolutely killed it in her scene with Needle: I didn’t cry because I did all my Needle crying in the books, but UNF.  The book line lists a whole bunch of things that Needle represents to Arya, up to and including Jon Snow’s smile so no really it’s okay I’ll just go over here and soak in my own tears.  Anyway.  Freakin’ show, man, but at least they’re getting this right.

Speaking of things they’re getting right

The Wall
JON MOTHEREFFING SNOW.  Hair so thick everybody in the room uncomfortable.  In the books, Janos Slynt is much more difficult for much longer, and it makes complete sense as to why Jon would have to execute him.  However, the  actual scene was pretty great, up to and including Slynt’s begging for mercy and the moment of tension.  I knew what was going to happen, and I was still like “oh wait maybe he won’t” which is just good television, y’all.  However

Speaking of things they’re getting wrong? Stannis.  Bleh.  Stannis mocking someone for being too honorable is like a pot with a stick up its ass calling the kettle uptight. We apparently do not care about character consistency here, and Davos’ presence is kind of screwing that up for me as well.  While I appreciated his pep talk, I miss his chapters from ADWD, since they were pretty freaking cool, and him being at the Wall is messing with my perception of Stannis, so I feel you, boo, but go find some Manderlys (they didn’t cast them I get it I get it I just want it the way I want it okay)

King’s Landing
I’d like to think I’m a mature human being.  I’d like to think I’m even more than that: so highbrow my eyes disappear into my hairline and I float above the masses like mist.  I’d like to think I’m an adult.  But hand to God when Tommen Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men said “it was over so quickly!” to Margaery on their wedding night I may have died laughing because I DARE you to write any other line for teenage boy (heck, any person ever) having sex with Natalie Dormer for the first time.  And honestly?  It was a very sweet scene.  I think it did an excellent job of showing how Tommen is genuinely a good kid, even if he is a bit stupid.  It is messing with the plot a bit to have him older (he’s 8 in the novels and certainly not about to produce any heirs), mostly because if he’s old enough to have sex, he’s old enough to show up for goddamn Small Council meetings.  Plus if Ser Pounce isn’t around you don’t even have a good excuse to not be there.  “I was hanging with my super cool cat” doesn’t fly anymore.  THE POUNCE WAS GIVETH, AND THE POUNCE WAS TAKETH AWAY.

Yayyyy, unnecessary nudity wooo but the “it’s always the Maiden” was a good line (the women are dressed up like the Seven, and instead of picking, say, the Crone, Mr. Septon here is going for the obvious choice like the naked old punk he is).
If you’re sitting there like “whyyyy does the High Sparrow look so familiar?” it is because he was Governor Swann in Pirates of the Caribbean and stop pretending you were too cool to like those movies we all liked those movies plus dude had a sick wig.

This has the potential to be ridiculously amazing, since we’ve got a pretty cool dude as High Sparrow, and the show does seem dedicated to having this plot actually happen, but I am nervous, guys.  More nervous because Qyburn exists.  I knew that stupid thing was gonna jump and I STILL JUMPED. I am ashamed. I am just a little bit mad because we have decided to reduce the fighting to Real Housewives of King’s Landing level (like who were Margaery’s little groupies Do Not Understand) and turn this into a “women be backstabbin'” joke.  Margaery’s comment of “what is your new title?” is even dumb, because yo you already got married to her other kid and her husband is dead so like…you’re queen NOW after you and Tommen had the quickest sex ever known to man?  Nope.  Cersei was Dowager Queen at least an entire season ago?  Idk.  Also “hahaha Cersei has a drinking problem” is a straight up reality show line and I thought someone was gonna flip a table and I’m not here for that, guys.

Tyrion
Driving me up a wall.  The character and how he’s being written and the implication that I still care about his moral center.  Just So Done.  Him flicking open the window again and again is like the medieval equivalent of some douchebag white kid whose dad is a billionaire complaining that the champagne served to him on his flight to Marseilles wasn’t Dom, and they wouldn’t let him open the windows on the plane not even for a second.  Shut the fuck up, Declan. No one cares about you and your first world traveling problems.   Tyrion is pulling the time-honored tradition of “I am rich so the rules don’t apply to me” by murdering two people, getting away with it, and then instead of being grateful that he’s alive, complaining about his accommodations.  I don’t even like Varys very much, and I still would 100% support him in his choice to totally just stab Tyrion.  My favorite part was Tyrion going “I’m one drunk dwarf halfway across the world, what could happen?” Oh, I don’t know, Brightest Witch of Her Age, maybe you get killed because they’re killing every dwarf, or WAIT someone recognizes you and idk maybe kidnaps you or something uggghhh you’re SO DUMB and I just want to tell you that some people have war in their countries. (someone please get this ANTM reference please please please)

The most ridiculous was our “oh no I am A Good Person I can’t get it up for this prostitute” moment.  YOU KILLED YOUR LAST WHORE.  YOU KILLED HER. I do not care/it is irrelevant for your level of goodness that oh no you couldn’t POSSIBLY pay this girl for sex because ****feeeeelings***.  Screw this show.  I am also absolutely convinced that one of his chapters in book 5 discusses the sex he’s had since Shae but can someone confirm?  I spent like 40 minutes trying to find it and gave up because reading Tyrion’s chapters is making my head hurt.

Sansa and Brienne and the Boltons

Brienne’s monologue was actually pretty great, the whole “he kept me from being a joke” MY HEARTTTT.  Also precious Podrick is too good for this world and while I’m not so psyched with the weird plot changes, you know what?  Go ahead and rescue Sansa because OH MY GOD NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Put that thing back where it came from, or SO HELP ME

I called it I called it I called it I hate everything.  This entire plotline makes NO SENSE.  Why do this?  Why give her to Ramsay?  And I’m asking this both plot-wise and “you have a goddamn responsibility to not be repulsive, yes, you, yes, even when you’re making a TV show”-wise.  Benioff and Weiss have said that this plot gives Sansa “something meaty to work with” because Sophie is such an amazing actress, and while she’s a great actress, I am so. fucking. done. with “meaty parts” for great female actresses to be beginning and end list “at risk of or actually going to be raped.”  STOP IT.  YOU’RE AWFUL.  You’re basically implying that rape makes female characters more interesting.

Also, plot-wise, this is equally horrific.  Baelish saying to Ramsay that he’s a mystery and he hasn’t heard much about him is like…what.  You know everything about everyone and he’s literally the worst person in this whole book series not a joke and you’re GIVING HIM SANSA.  You KNOW, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE.  Roose then calls Baelish important or something which like, no, the whole point of him having to be tricksy is because he’s from a nothing house, and to be like “you have the Vale” NO HE DOESN’T.  Even for people who haven’t read the books: are you surprised when I say that in the actual books, the Arryn bannermen are mostly pretty pissed off that Petyr Baelish is in charge?  Oh, you’re NOT?  Oh hey look at that marrying a lady and then her mysteriously dying a couple days later does not make you trustworthy.  None of this makes any sense, and the writers are doing it so we can force a “meaty” plot point of Sansa getting horribly mistreated.  I hate this. I HATE this.  My reaction to like 8 whole minutes of this episode could be summed up by a gif of Sophie Turner’s “nope” head shake when Littlefinger tells her she’s going to marry Ramsay.

UGHHHH GUYS THIS SHOW IS MAKING ME SO MAD AND I ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT…WELL, EVERYTHING

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 2: The House of Black and White

April 26, 2015

Better but still bleh

In case you’re just starting out with us here at All My Feelings, All The Time, I love Sansa and hate Daario.

Cersei
In Case You Missed It, Kevan Lannister, Tywin’s younger brother, popped up for a quick scene to get mad at Cersei for telling the entire Small Council that sorry, Tommen can’t come hang right now, he’s playing XBox or whatever she actually said.  No one I was watching with knew who Kevan was, and I reeeeeally think the show needed to be like “this is who this person is” because guys, come on, he hasn’t been on the show in years.  Idk what’s happening here yet, y’all, but Sunday’s ep is the High Sparrow so let’s do this.

Brienne and Sansa
They don’t hang out in the books, y’all.  And Petyr is gross and this scene was gross and bleh.

Not a fan of Sansa’s “I saw you at the wedding” line because like…what.  Brienne’s line “neither of us wanted to be there” line is totally accurate but Sansa KNOWS this and like, what is the point.  If they were trying to make it clear that she’s being sneaky and is actually not hating on Brienne, they did a crappy job. Kinda wish Brienne had just been like “I’m sorry, my lady, but I wasn’t at Joffrey’s wedding in the books, so idk take it up with Benioff and Weiss.  Can we just go now?  This scene is dumb.”  Just break the fourth wall that way.  Then Gwendoline and Sophie can skip away happily together while flipping off the camera.

Also digs in that Lady Stoneheart is nowhere so yayyyy ugh screw this season guys I am Grumpy McGrumperson I’m sorry

Dorne
What do you call Emilio Estevez when he watches the first scene in Dorne? Emilio Unimpresstevez. (h/t Scuzzo)
I hated this so. much.  SO much, guys.  This entire scene basically felt like a bad Spanish soap opera up to and including the music.  You have Alexander Siddig as Doran, with SO MUCH potential here, and we did nothing with the entire scene, which was the FIRST TIME they’re showing Dorne.  They are also ruining Ellaria’s character because they refused to cast Arianne.

The refusal to cast Arianne Martell was one of the main reasons I was already disappointed in this season before it began.  Arianne is Doran’s daughter, who is strongly opinionated, ruthless, charismatic, and the goddamn HEIR to Doran.  Dorne is so important because they practice primogeniture: the firstborn, male or female, inherits.  She is a POV character later on, and her specific planning is crazy important for all of Westeros, and they just CUT her out.  They are most likely going to give some of her plot to Ellaria, which makes no sense, as they are entirely different women (sidebar: Ellaria would NEVER hurt a child, ever, so her claim to want to cut Myrcella up makes no sense).  They are going to give some of her plot to the Sand Snakes, who are Oberyn’s daughters, several of them by Ellaria (which is why her saying “the Sand Snakes are with me” makes zero sense because you don’t say that, some of them are your daughters who are still babies and just wut).  And they are going to cut some of her plot out, because of this next section, and I’m pissed.

Jaime goes to Dorne
Just for the record, Jaime does not go to Dorne in the books.  He is pretty much sent to the North to clean up the whole “shit, Robb Stark is dead, what do we do now” mess.  Edmure Tully is still very alive, as is the Blackfish, who is still holding out under a siege.  I really enjoy Jaime’s chapters when he’s doing this, because we get to see him politicking for pretty much the first time: he’s still trying to learn how to fight with only one arm, so this is basically all he can do.  It’s also an important part of his redemption arc, since it demonstrates that he can still be pretty ruthless: he threatens to throw Edmure’s soon to be born child over a castle’s wall if he doesn’t comply.

What the fuck was this Bronn scene, for reals.  Is this amateur hour?  Just to recap: Bronn was given his betrothed, Lollys, by Cersei in exchange for not engaging in the trial by combat on Tyrion’s behalf.  In the books, Lollys is pregnant from rape, and is developmentally disabled.  While those things are not true in the show, she is still GIVEN to Bronn.  When Bronn comes to tell Tyrion “moats before mates” and peaces out never to be heard from again, he tells the reader that while Lollys is not the heir, the heir is her older, barren sister, and she’s going to have some kind of accident at some point.  Bronn’s going to kill her and become Lord Stokeworth and continue to have children with his nonconsenting wife.  Bronn is GARBAGE.

Oh, but Bronn in the show is so ****sassyyyy**** I literally do not give a shit about Jaime and Bronn’s excellent adventures.  He is Daario 2.0, a more weathered but equally treacherous above average warrior, who has risen to importance only because important characters and the fandom can’t get enough of Liam Neeson/Captain Jack Sparrow-esque quips coming out of men’s mouths.

Also, how is this going to work, exactly?  Oh noes, we can’t send an army to Dorne, that would be a declaration of WAR.  Our next best option is clearly three hands on two dudes who encompass the spectrum of Westeros’ best and worst-dressed.  (*grudgingly admits that Nikolaj looks freaking great in his stupid outfit*)

I am Not Here For an obnoxious Medieval Fun Time Land version of Two and a Half Men.

However, I am decidedly Here For –

The Wall
Shireen teaching Gilly to read? Yes yes and more yes.  I absolutely adore Shireen, and the actress playing her is doing an excellent job of being a cute as heck kid who is not annoying.  Gilly is a self-deprecating delight, and Shireen’s encouraging joke about “I taught stupid old men how to read you got this don’t even worry” was A++++.  Also I know Selyse is supposed to be kinda creepy but she literally just reminds me of the mom from Hairspray basically not allowing her daughter to play with other kids because of the devil or something.

Jon’s Lord Commander election was not terrible, but I didn’t love it.  In the books, Sam does a huge amount of pretty great negotiating to get Jon elected, and while they do chant his name, it’s definitely more evident that the rest of the Night’s Watch isn’t just like “ho hum we lost guess we should go back to whacking each other with sticks or…what is it we do again? OH YEAH WATCH ON THE WALL”, they’re more like “I am Not Pleased Mr. Kit, I don’t care HOW good your smoulder is, you are an infant and a wildling and you’ve had sex and your dad was a lord so we are PISSED OFF.”  It wasn’t awful, it just wasn’t as subtle as the book was, and I missed that and am therefore a little sad.

Jon’s face when Sam stands up was the funniest moment of the episode, just his beautiful little pout suddenly turning into “FFS SAM CAN U NOT” and I loved it.

They are screwing up Stannis pretty badly and not using him to his full potential and bleh.  We’ll see, but I do not have high hopes, and I really like Stannis, y’all.

Arya
Actually great.  Really liked this scene.  Really honestly did.  Maisie is playing the stone-cold badass especially well considering she has a face like actual sunshine, and I’m legitimately scared of her, which is like being scared of a French bulldog puppy but she MAKES IT WORK.  Her “prayer” (the recitation of names of people she wants to kill) overnight in the rain was a particularly good scene, and I don’t really have anything to criticize here.

Many bookreaders are pissed that Jaqen is back, specifically that Tom Wlaschiha, the actor, is back, and they do have a point: there is really no reason the House of Black and White would reuse a face to teach her.  She refers to this man as The Kindly Man in the books, and he doesn’t look like Jaqen.  But you know what? Tom is really pretty and it’s nice to see a familiar face and screw it, I’m on board.  We need more beautiful things in this series and A Man can get it, so A Man can totally stay.

Daenerys
So once again Daario proves that he sucks enormously.  Specifically, by giving some ridiculous speech about how “if you’ve forgotten how to fear, you’ve forgotten that bravery isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the decision that something is more important than fear” oh no wait that’s Mia Thermopolis’ dad in a birthday card in The Princess Diaries.  My B.  Maybe this week Grey Worm will give him a wedgie.

This week’s best thing I saw on Twitter was about her plotline.  Someone tweeted “this scene is the best example of ‘hoe don’t do it’ I’ve ever seen in my life” and I couldn’t stop laughing.  I tweeted “oh hey look white saviors don’t always work out so great do they” and I stand by this completely.  Dany standing there simply saying “slavery is wrong” louder and louder does not actually fix any problems.  This scene grossed me out a little bit because you have the large group of brown people calling her “Mother” and then hissing(?) when she carries out the sentence and it just reminded me a lot of the racist grossness of the Dothraki portrayal in the first season and book.  I also am not sure if I just missed it or if it genuinely didn’t happen, but “this man shall have a trial” got thrown out the window for Moqorro, I guess? Like, girl, the point of laws is that they apply to everyone.  Idk, guys.  I get that this is a tough plotline but can we be a liiiiittle less racist please and thanks.

Do you guys think Rhaegal and Viserion are just working their hardest to perfect “Roman’s Revenge” while trapped in there because they literally are dungeon dragons right now?  Sorry not sorry.  Also pretty sure they just reused some Smaug animation for Drogon and he’s been off burning Lake-town and just came back to say hi.  Drogon’s voice will be provided by Benedict Cumberbatch, who also did motion capture. (Drogon does not talk…FOR NOW)

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 1: The Wars to Come

April 17, 2015

Hey you guyyyyyyys

So on a scale of “the first season of Game of Thrones” to “the fifth season of Game of Thrones” how loyal is your adaptation to the source material OOOOH BURN

I’M TOO HOT
HOT DAMN
MAKE A DROGON WANNA RETIRE MAN

I hope you missed me being angry because I’m angry already WOOOOO.  I am overall disappointed with this first episode, both because I thought it was a pretty weak episode overall and because it does not bode well for the rest of the season.  In case you were wondering I still hate Daario, and Sansa is still my queen.

I also have this new theory that Foreigner’s “Head Games” is running through Petyr Baelish’s head at all times.  My favorite thing I saw on Twitter this week was someone who has a Littlefinger crush writing “puttin’ the bae in Baelish” and he’s foul but I’m not mad even a little because that’s great.

Also LOLOL Charles Dance getting like third-top billing when all he did was BE DEAD and still out acting errybody else in the sept ughhh I’ma miss you, Dancer.  So much.  Maybe with the Cersei flashbacks we’ll get more Dasher Dancer and I’ll be happy?

Cersei/King’s Landing

So it took me a second to figure out that the first scene was Baby Cersei mostly because Maggy the Frog (the witch lady who tells Cersei her future) is supposed to be like a thousand years old, and not supposed to be The Hottest Thing in Hermit Chic and What Contouring Can Do For Your Unwashed Face, but I figured it out, and other than that weird aspect I really did like the scene.  The transition to Tywin’s funeral worked really well, and while I would have liked a little bit more emotion out of Cersei and Jaime’s scene in the sept, these few minutes at the beginning were some of the strongest. Considering their last interaction around a dead family member, maybe they’re scaling it back.

Also Cersei lookin’ better at a funeral than I look on my best days tbh God her dress is everything.

I did not believe that Lancel Lannister was played by the same actor, like legit did not buy it, but he apparently is and they burned his wig so praise the Seven for that.  I think I understand what they are doing with his character (I believe he is going to be a stand-in for several characters), and while the way they’re going about it is a bit heavy-handed and sudden, Cersei’s plotline has the potential to be amazing this season and I would kindly appreciate not screwing it up please and thank you.  Her Eye is on the High Sparrow.

Tommen and Loras should run away together because they are a match made in doofus heaven.  They can bring Ser Pounce WHERE IS SER POUNCE.

While I do appreciate that the amount of dude butt in this opener was greater than the amount of lady butt, I am Not Here For the new Loras dude.  I do not care about Olyvar, which I’m assuming is spelled that way because the only thing that likes unnecessary y’s in things more than GRRM is white suburban mothers naming their children (hat tip to Cody).  One of the things that actually endeared me to Loras in the series is how much he loved Renly, and how much he really had to hide that fact.  The dude is a freaking MESS after Renly’s death, and I actually appreciated Martin’s writing a lot for both Loras and Brienne in their reactions.  Both people were in love with a very charismatic man, and for very different reasons, and that love manifested itself differently, and then he was murdered, and both of them really cannot talk to anyone about it, but only Brienne is a POV character.  Therefore, this “back off, Margaery/Mom, I’ll screw who I want in this one man gay pride parade” is a pretty big mischaracterization, and I’m a little grossed out by their insistence on showing just how much sex one of the few living gay characters has.

Also, speaking of heavy-handed in King’s Landing, “your birthmark looks like Dorne” ARE WE JOKING.  IS THIS A JOKE. The entire scene and set of dialogue highlighted three things: Loras needs to stop skipping leg day 2. Jon is sending him hair care products from the Wall 3. HBO has noooo idea how to suddenly drop what is essentially a new country full of brown people into the show other than naked dudes playing mole geography.  To be fair, Martin’s introduction of Dorne was not the smoothest, either, but it did at least feel like he did it on purpose, rather than “shit shit shit we forgot to have our characters talk about an entire kingdom of the Seven Kingdoms shit shit WAIT, I GOT IT, BUTTS.  EVERYONE LOVES BUTTS.”

Tina Belcher at the helm of Game of Thrones, everyone

Brienne
Was…she…drunk? Like… does not compute.  Also don’t yell at Podrick my beautiful little prince do not hurt him he’s very sensitive
Did not understand even a little bit of a point for this scene.
I’M NOT A KNIGHT
yeah that’s nice we know why are you yelling
Although may I point out that my lady of Tarth is not even a little bit injured after fighting The Hound, and I’m choosing to believe that was not an oversight or continuity error, it’s because she’s an actual goddess of strength.Okay fine it’s totally because they forgot but WHATEVER LET ME DREAM

Sansa
Baelish if you fucking touch Sansa I stg I will TURN THIS CAR AROUND

Head gaaaaames
Instead of making love
Head gaaaaames

See, you were skeptical about the Foreigner/Littlefinger crossover, but now you’re on board, aren’t you?  Because get it, he likes to screw WITH people but never actually gets to screw people
For reals, this was something that I was incredibly skeptical of in the books: like does anyone actually buy that someone had enough sex with Petyr Baelish to make Sansa/Alayne Stone?  She’s gorgeous and you’re a potato covered in dirt with a moustache.

And may I just say something in defense of Robin Arryn?  Like I get he’s a spoiled little monster but he is disabled, and letting the show watchers basically laugh at him because he can’t swing a sword very well is just super gross.  I’m not saying he’s a good person, but he is a

Tyrion

Okay exactly HOW long were you in that crate for, Peter Dinklage, because that is a sweet but unrealistic beard

Also Illyrio “We Were Too Lazy to Even Try to Recast Him” Mopatis is like, surprisingly chill about bringing kinslayers into his house when he’s not even there.  Guys, my parents/weird benefactors are away for the weekend WINE PARTY AT MY PLACE WHAZZZZUUUUP

Guys, I hated Tyrion’s scenes here.  I just… ugh.  I had a hard time reading his chapters in book 5, even though I was fascinated, because he is garbage at this point.  Shooting your dad in the bathroom is not so good, but strangling Shae makes him nearly nonredeemable to me.  Tossing in a little “yeah, they get mad when you kill your Lord Father but not when you kill whores lolol” is gross and unacceptable, because he’s completely right, and it’s not funny.  Tywin gets his huge funeral and anime eyes and Shae will never be heard about.

Varys is also starting to bug me.  First of all, the way he talks is 10% The Birdcage and 90% Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  Second…of…all, he’s now doing things because Jaime Lannister asked him to do them?  Huh?  Bro, you don’t do anything that doesn’t benefit you in some way, so stop playing that “it’s for the good of the kiiiingdom” crap.  You also don’t just do what Jaime Lannister says.  The guy has one hand and a lot of feelings, and if you can’t fight off Buster Bluth Does the Hallmark Channel what good even are you, Varys? Plus you have your trump card which is “would you like to hear the story of how I was cut?” because every time you tell it everyone immediately falls asleep.

Just….ugh.  Peter Beardlage you are a delight as always but I’m just kinda done with you and fans defending your actions and bleh.  Do better, show.

Daenerys
Okay so I feel like there were safer ways to remove that from the top of the pyramid but idk I’m not a staute-taker-downer

This storyline gave us our first glimpse of unnecessary nudity, and I’m really frustrated with it because I think it distracted from what could have been a really, really excellent scene.  Give our poor Unsullied another few minutes with this woman and a bit more backstory of the Sons of the Harpy and it could have been really great: the show has an opportunity that the books actually don’t have to show the stories of the small players (or even the non-players, as much as there is such a thing in this world), and they wasted it on nameless naked women.

Speaking of small players GREY WORM AND MISSANDEI FOREVER.  This is literally the third couple I’ve given any kind of damn about in this whole show (Catelyn and Ned; Oberyn and Ellaria), and I care more about them than I do about…most things, probably.

Missandei, can you please talk to your girl Daenerys about the appropriate time to flirt with your slampiece and how it’s not when negotiating for the lives of your people please and thank you? Oooohhh he has a curved SWORD how SEXY I’m sorry what were you saying about people fighting to the death for money and entertainment I SAID NO but wait MAYBE NOT because Daario liked it

Game of Thrones, try your absolute hardest to make me give a shit about Daario.  Really, go ahead.  Give his ass a ten-second wide-angle shot and make him smoulder for another twenty seconds and then let him perform the goddamn marriage of Grey Worm and Missandei and I will still not give a shit about him.  Yes, Dany in the books has a relationship with him, but she does not drop everything she’s ever learned to start taking advice from Assistant to Rohirrim Extra #3 because he has a nice ass and decent hair.  She does not go “hm Jorah also wanted to bang me, and everything worked out well there, so I should for sure listen to Guy Who is the Red and Yellow Knight at Medieval Times on Tuesdays/Thursdays and Might Get to Move Up to Saturdays, Soon, They Really Seem to Like the Work I’m Doing.”  The whole point of her mess of a storyline is that this is hard, this involves difficult decisions, and people’s lives are at stake.  Take all the seats, Daario, I do not and will not care.

“oh noes I can’t control my dragons”
“so my best bet for personal safety while visiting them would be…hm this is a tough one”
“ah, I’ve got it, going down in complete darkness and calling their names but not speaking Valyrian”
“yessss safety is our Number One Priority here at I Get My Advice From Mediocre At Best Sellswords”
“oh shit they’re huge this was a mistake”

The Wall
I think I’m just going to preemptively give Kit “For Excellence in Hair” award for Season 5 because it’s still beautiful and I missed it so much.  And can we talk about how Melisandre has time for one question in that elevator of death (deathavator?) and it’s “are you a virgin?”  Why would it not be “what is your haircare routine because DAMN, SON.”

And okay, this is not just his hair, but I have a pretty strong Kit Harington crush and I’ll say it and judge me all you want but he’s doing really good work here.  Like a scene where you can hold your own against Ciaran “My Face Is Carved From the Finest Granite and My Will is As Like Steel” Hinds in a scene where he’s debating his own death and then dying that death like…get it, boy.  I’m impressed.

I’m rather nervous about how Jon and Stannis’ deal is going to play out this season, because they seem to be skipping some things and changing others, but “The Night’s Watch takes no part” seemed to be a good sign.  Jon Snow’s plot post-Ygritte is some of my favorite writing of the series, and I just…please don’t take this from me, show.  I have a lot of feelings.

SPOILERY SPOILERS STOP READINGGGGGG  IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOOOOOKS

We’re all on board that Tormund = Rattleshirt and Mance isn’t dead, right?  Or at least, I thought?  But I read a thing that said they recast the Lord of Bones so idk what’s going on here guys gah

How are they going to play Tyrion’s story without Young Griff and Jon Connington and gah.

What are we going to do with Brienne’s storyline without Lady Stoneheart likeeee

So here’s the most horrific theory I’ve heard so far: Sansa is going to get Jeyne Poole’s storyline, meaning the show is going to feed her to Ramsay and I’m going to burn everything to the ground.  I hate this so much I can’t even articulate it properly, and I think I’m this mad because shitttttt it could definitely happen.