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December 2017


A definitive ranking of non-religious Christmas songs

December 25, 2017

I don’t make the rules I just report ’em

These aren’t even my opinions they’re just the truth being told on a blog get on board or get left behind

Of course I forgot some let me know what you think and have a wonderful holiday kids

  • Sleigh Ride – 9/10
    • Loses a point for the lyrics, which are just kinda weird, let’s be honest
      • They are a bit too jaunty and they rhyme “snow” with “snow” and that’s just laziness
        • The horses are pulling their hearts out; make an effort
    • HOWEVER the instrumental version is faaaaaantastic
    • The slapstick alone could get this song up to like, 7/10, because I would give seven points to just the slapstick
      • slapstick
        • slap
          • stick
    • There’s also the wonderful trumpet horse neigh at the end, and the jazzy section, which has that weird trombone part that sounds like the high school cheer, and excellent dynamic changes
    • Like, guys, I play horn, and my part is literally offbeats except for 8 measures at the beginning, and this song is still a BOP
  • The Christmas Song – 7/10
    • Solid, sentimental, does what it says on the box
    • Loses a point for sometimes getting warbly and repeating the final verse but generally good, and I’ve never even had a chestnut, much less one that has been roasted over an open fire, and I get nostalgic
      • My favorite kind of nostalgia is the kind I get to experience without dealing with the original experience
        • I’m not kidding
          • No, I’m fine, really
    • Second point lost is for offering the phrase only to kids from 1 to 92, because I lived with my grandmother for many years and she made it almost to 105, and so I felt like a traitor to my grandma because I wanted her to have a Merry Christmas, too
      • Kids Shall Be Wished a Merry Christmas Regardless of Age
  • I’ll Be Home For Christmas – 5/10
    • …eh
    • You’re fine, I guess, but this song never gets stuck in my head because it’s simply not that memorable
    • You’re trying to make me have feelings that I don’t have
      • I’ll Be Dead Inside For Christmas
  • Last Christmas – 1/10
    • No
    • “I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away” STOP
      • “This year” NNNNOPE
    • I realize how divisive this opinion is but I really, really quite dislike this song, and this is a bad opinion because of George Michael, and I realize I’m a bad person, but you cannot make me like this song I REFUSE
  • Frosty the Snowman – 6/10
    • This is a jaunty as heck but deeply weird song
      • Why is he alive
      • Why do we devote a line to his traffic activities
      • Why did he leave and where is he going
      • Why is the sound he makes “thumpity-thump”
  • Silver Bells – 7/10
    • Simple, bops, peaceful at the same time
    • Earns a point for being really easy to write parodies of
      • By “parodies” I mean “dumb dog songs”
        • “Bailey Pup” is my current preferred one
          • Bailey pup, Bailey Pup / it is too cold out for doggies / Bailey pup, Bailey pup / Soon we must go back inside
            • EVERYBODY
              • Puppy doggy, what a good dog, you will sniff everything / in the air there’s a dog nose that’s sniffing / chomp the stick, crack, hear your toes tap / you are such a great dog / and on every street corner you pee
      • I’m not sorry
  • All I Want for Christmas Is You – 10/10
    • Were you going to give this a different rating?
      • What’s it like being wrong at a bone-deep level?
        • Mariah the Unbothered, Breaker of Frowns, Queen of the Women and the Woke Men, The First and Probably Only of Her Name Let’s Be Real
  • Baby, It’s Cold Outside – 4/10
    • I just don’t really like this song
    • If you were looking for great analysis here, I don’t have it
    • I’m just… eh
    • In the same way I’ve eaten a mediocre piece of toast – that was three minutes, I’m a little different than before, I don’t need to repeat it
  • Run, Rudolph, Run – 8/10
    • “oh YEAH, *THIS* song!” you say, realizing my rating is correct because this is Chuck Berry being festive Chuck Berry and this song is a banger
    • Do you know the lyrics? No
    • Does it matter? No
  • Winter Wonderland – 6/10
    • I like this one, but it ends up sounding like a drinking song, if that makes sense?
  • You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch – 9/10
    • Like, are you *kidding* me
      • Amazing tune (I’m jealous as heck if you’re a trombone player), and the lyrics are off the charts phenomenal
        • Like
          • Your soul is an appalling dump heap
            Overflowing with the most disgraceful
            Assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable
            Mangled up in tangled up knots
    • I need a woman in my life to tell me that she has replied to unwanted male attention with “between the two of you I’d take the seasick crocodile” and the entire bar was like “BRO YOU JUST GOT OWNED SO BAD” and the guy went home to reevaluate his entire life and the matriarchy grew by two sizes that day
  • Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer – 1/10
    • No
  • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – 1/10
    • No, Part 2
  • Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town sung by Bruce Springsteen – 8/10
    • Keep Bruce in Christmas
    • If you’re from Jersey and celebrate Christmas this song is like getting cheer and rock injected directly into your veins
      • There are residents of Bergen County who would use “seeing Bruce sing SICTT live in concert in ’75” as their memory to conjure a Patronus
        • “If you listen really closely in the second minute you can hear me cheering, it’s me, just listen”
  • Santa Baby – 5/10
    • I am … SO torn on this song
    • On one hand, it is a really simplistic and cloying melody and rhythm and singers tend to sing this deliberately off-key and why are we sexualizing Santa Claus and it is so impractical and probably immoral to own a platinum mine
    • On the other hand… get it girl run that man for everything he’ll give you pay your bills get a house wear diamonds CLEAN HIM *OUT*
  • Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – 9/10
    • I’m crying???? But I’m happy?????
      • Why does this song make me feel things even when I want to not feel things???
        • And good things and bad things at the same time???
          • I’m 29 I wasn’t even there for olden days???? WHY DOES MY HEART HURT
      • me, quietly, sobbing: and… hhaaaAAve yourself *sniff*… a *wobbly lip* mmmmmerry little Christmas…. *whimper* nnnnnNNNNOOOOOW

Meathead Mondays: Jason Momoa

December 18, 2017

As a very serious aside (no, actually, I shouldn’t call it an aside, this is more important than an aside), Jason Momoa said a really awful thing at a panel for Game of Thrones back in 2011, and it came to light in the past few months when Justice League was getting promoted.  He was on a panel for season 1, and mentioned that the show was great, because, among other reasons, he gets to “rape beautiful women.”  It’s a garbage thing to say, and his fellow panel members were visibly uncomfortable, and there’s no justifying it.

I am willing to look past this comment, partially because he has been a good dude otherwise, but in large part because his apology was a genuine, non-hedging, and responsibility-taking apology.  He offers no excuse, he does not try to explain himself, and he begs forgiveness while saying he doesn’t deserve it. All the above still being true, I am writing this post because I think he has been better than that comment shows.  It’s an enormously unacceptable thing to say and there’s no fixing it, but it was one black spot in an otherwise unproblematic career of public appearances, and he knows it was stupid, and *shrug* I’m gonna forgive him.  On to the rest.

I saw him as Aquaman in Justice League, and despite being criminally underused, he was an enormous smiley tattooed piece of driftwood and this post is for you, my guy.  I think you are good and had a moment of stupid and I still want to hug you and let you braid my hair.  I feel like you know how to braid hair.

Continue Reading…


Sometimes I work retail and weird things happen

December 5, 2017

Yes hi, it me, ur friendly neighborhood lawyer who also is a register jockey sometimes.  Something something side hustle something gig economy something student loans something store discount something broke.  (Like, sidenote, yes I realize I am an attorney but if y’all haven’t been keeping up with the news in the legal market, salaries are low and hard to find and the millenial struggle is extra struggle-y in my profession of choice so I do this too. They’re both service jobs, let’s be real.)

There is also a frustrating aspect to working retail while also working as an attorney, and it is that people treat you differently when they find out you’re an attorney and also working retail.  I myself have been guilty of profession-dropping when I want to impress a customer (I’m not *just* a sales associate, I have two degrees, I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life) and also doing it when someone is being the worst.  Sometimes people will say “why are you working here if you’re a lawyer?” and to that I give my above explanation while thinking “why are you asking dickish questions if you’re a stranger?”


My retail gig is great (love my coworkers love my managers work is decidedly Not Bad) but it is still ridiculously wacky.  And there are still some unusual scenarios that pop up specifically during the holidays and especially on Black Friday and here are some that have happened recently.

Wow, it’s busy, I have some returns

I don’t ever know what to tell to the person who decides to process all of their returns on the busiest shopping day of the year.  This is like showing up to a park at 9 PM on the 4th of July looking to play some frisbee and saying to an employee “wow, there sure are a lot of fireworks here! anywhere I could toss this disk around?” Like, yes, we can help you, but why. Why are you like this.

I do not need to hear about your struggles to find parking on this the day of Our Retail Lord because those two pairs of khakis could simply not live in your home any longer.  This is on you, champ.

A minor version of this happens every Saturday until the new year. “Wow, I had some trouble parking, it’s so busy!”

Me, crazed, shrieking: IS IT NO WAY

Customer: anyway I bought this in 1957 and I don’t have a receipt

Me: *twitching*

Please tell me what my loved ones would like for Christmas

“I’m trying to find a gift for my wife, what would you recommend?”


I mean

Like, talking to her would be a good start

I can (and have!) gone forward from this place, asking what she likes to do for fun, if she has a favorite color, what her favorite outfits are, and what the guy is looking to spend, because I ALWAYS BE CLOSING and I am a goddamn professional. However, it always blows my mind that a husband thinks asking me for a gift idea for his wife is the right call.  Like, by virtue of being another human woman I somehow have a greater insight into her wants than you do, and you’re a human man who lives with her.  Homie, I don’t know your wife.  I don’t know her hopes and dreams, and while we do both enjoy the ever-present shadow of sexism, I have no idea what will make her happy.  She might think Daario’s characterization on Game of Thrones is fine.  She might Also, please, for the love of God, know her size, so you don’t gesture towards me and my body and go “she’s about your height, I think, but uh…”

Me: thinner?

him: yeah

Lemme get your wife a sweater and be excused to scream

Women, What Do They Want, What A Mystery, So Mysterious

My ‘office’ is visible at all times

Not that all non-service jobs are a blast (like if you’re doing construction work I can’t even imagine how physically demanding your work is), but the most frustrating part is how your customers see you do every part of it and don’t think that there is any kind of barrier that shouldn’t be crossed.  I’ve gotten tapped on the shoulder while working with another customer because this one COULDN’T WAIT (sidenote: don’t touch me), but I’ve also gotten asked for help while I was mid-sneezing or coughing. In an office setting, you would ask your coworker if she’s okay, not be like “do you have this in a petite large?” We might, but I can’t breathe at the moment, so you gon’ have to wait.

My personal fave is when people start shopping a pile of stuff that needs to get placed on the floor.  This weekend, I had a rack of cardboard boxes, all filled with holiday items (food, ornaments, etc.) and was trying to fill in the stuff we’d sold.  A lady came up and started rummaging around in one of the boxes and my lawyer brain went “oh GOD she’ll drop the heaviest item on her toe and then we’ll find out she’s a toe model and that toe is her livelihood and we’ll have to pay out her earnings forever and I’ll get fired and the company will go under because TOE”

What I actually said was “is there anything I can help you find?  I’ve been trying to get these out but I’m not finished so we may have more items”

Her: “I was going to say, this is the oddest display I’ve ever seen!”



Do you also walk directly into a recently-poured sidewalk slab and say “this is a very odd concrete!” LOOK, WITH YOUR EYES, THAT ARE IN YOUR HEAD, WITH YOUR BRAIN, PLEASE, MAKE AN EFFORT

I’m gonna come in and rearrange your Outlook calendar in your office SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT

I misread my coupon and now I must Murder

See also “I left my coupon at home,” “no I’m positive it said 80% off,” “I got these for full price 17 months ago and I’d like a price adjustment,” “why do I need to pay money in exchange for goods,” “my solution to the problem of not wanting to give a business any money is to berate the lowest rung of authority hostage-situation-style until my demands are met,” etc. etc. sobsobcry.

I’ve had *so* *many* frustrating discussions with people about their not wanting to pay an advertised price for an item.  I absolutely understand that it is frustrating to get to the payment step of a purchase and need to shell out more money than you expected, I get that, I really do.  But the price I’m quoting you isn’t generated by that little popcorn ball thing they pick lottery numbers out of.  The computer says “hey yeah this coat is this number of dollars” and if you have a coupon in your hand or if there is a sale I can tell the computer “hey this barcode and set of numbers will tell you that no it is actually a fraction less” but without that barcode I am up dollars creek without a coupon and so are you.

My store is doing a promotion at this time where if you spend fifty dollaroonis you will get a ten-dollar gift card to the store that is good on your next purchase.  It legitimately won’t work until the next day.  And I’ve had like, Dynasty-level fights over “WHERE IS MY TEN DOLLARS OFF” uhhh ma’am, if I can just direct you to the words, on the ad, where it says Not That.  “They just want you to come back in the store!” Hell yes, they do.  This is capitalism.  They give coupons to get you into the store, comrade, and they’ll be damned if they pass up a chance to bleed you dry some more.

My most challenging battle so far This Holiday Season was a lady who came in on Black Friday with a receipt for things she bought 3 days prior to Black Friday, which were not on sale, but now they were.  We were not doing price adjustments.  “But they’re on sale now!” Sure! Yes they are!  Because it is Black Friday!  You made the decision to secure these items earlier rather than risk the possibility that they would no longer be available on a sale day. Choices! Freedom! Risk Assessment!

Surprisingly, this was not a sufficient answer for this person (I didn’t actually say this don’t you worry), who told me that she had just been to Abercrombie, and they had let her do this.  Sucks to your Ass-bercrombie-mar, ma’am, and if you love Abercrombie so much why don’t you marry it.  I did not say this, either, but rather walked her through the repurchase of all of her items at the day’s sale price so that she could then return each item for which she had paid full price.  She was doing this for her daughter, who has 8 children, and “needs all the help she can get” with discounts and coupons.

Congrats on her fertility, but objection: relevance.

Aggressively wishing ‘Merry Christmas’

I am coming from a place of privilege and do not care if someone casually says “Merry Christmas” because that is a holiday I celebrate. I would also not care if they said “Happy [Anything Else]” because it affects me zero percent but this is still a majority-Christian nation so that hasn’t happened ANYWAY

A lot of people do say “Merry Christmas” in a casual way, not as a Statement, and *shrug* whatever.  However, I do get a decent number of people who are like “I am a sergeant in the War on Christmas” and will make uncomfortable eye contact with me and say “Merry Christmas” and kind of wait for the paratroopers with reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and “Happy Honda-days” banners to come from the sky or something and are so smugly proud of themselves for being brave.

However.  I wear a name tag at work.  My name is Christina.  My guy’s name is *in my name.*  It is not so much bravery to tell me Merry Christmas to my face as it is equivalent to showing up at a baptism for Jesus McNazareth and looking his parents in the eye and saying “Merry Christmas.”

People, I love Jesus.  He is the best, and I’m super psyched to celebrate Christmas because for me it is the night of my dear Savior’s birth.  But trying to start fights with a cashier in December is not The Reason for the Season.

How you can help

You don’t need to help.  You’re doing great.  If you’re reading this and laughing, you’re not part of the problem.  Especially millenials and genXers: you guys are all the politest group of economically-depressed bits of sunshine and you’re doing amazing, sweetie.