Nerding, Personal

Beauty Trends for a Woman Who Doesn’t Wanna

October 15, 2019

Hey there! Have you wanted to participate in the newest beauty trends, or even just start building your Daily Look, but you don’t know what to do because you’re a swamp thing?

I can relate!

Not too long ago, I was just like you: puffy eyeskin, violently smeared mascara, concealer that isn’t my skin tone, hair that was housing a family of voles or at least looked like it, etc. BUT NOW, I’m even WORSE, I’ve just embraced it. And I’m here to share my tips with all of you!


Trend: using a shimmery, dewy highlight of makeup on certain portions of your face to enhance its appeal and its glow; popular sections include cheekbones, the bridge of the nose, and the hairline

My version: get an enormous cystic pimple on your cheekbone. pop it, and just fuckin’ walk around like that, you goddamn Creature from the Black Lagoon

Are you hoping to look like a dolphin who is also a Kardashian, but all you have is acne? Not to worry! Just aggressively dig at those bumps on strategic parts of your face in order to highlight where you’re an absolute mess and cannot even be bothered to put effective concealer on your zits. Or, for the advanced course, take time in the morning to apply concealer and then scrape it all off with your claws. You’re basically Dr. Pimple Popper with no medical license or appeal.

Matte lipstick

Trend: lipstick in long-wearing, satin and matte shades, which frequently comes in a liquid form and can be in unusual colors (forest green, cobalt, black)

My version: allow pieces of your meals to remain in your teeth for 6 waking hours

Are you wishing you could get that Cher Horowitz kind of attention drawn to your mouth, but don’t have a steady hand with a liquid lipstick in a deep green? Just eat a salad with baby spinach in it and never look in a mirror like a normal adult and then just walk around with a leaf front and center like a goddamn giraffe. Draw attention to your mouth. What dat mouth do? Inefficiently chew, baby.

Smokey eye

Trend: the original, the gorgeous – a combination of liner, mascara, and eyeshadow that creates a lovely array of darker shades around the eyes; perfect for an evening out, it allows your eyes to truly shine, especially emphasizing their color

My version: put mascara on, forget you have it, and then just rub your eyes exhaustedly because life is just really too difficult all of the time

Does your look say “exhausted,” but you’d also like it to say “trash-eating raccoon”? Just apply your eyeliner and mascara as usual, schedule an afternoon breakdown, wash your hands, and then dig those babies right into your orbital bones. Mortar-and-pestle the hell out of that eye makeup until Smokey the Bear has to show up to post a forest fire risk alert.

“Ow, this hurts, should we be getting the makeup in our actual eyes???” I’m sorry, is this amateur hour? Of course it has to go in your eyes. If you aren’t already crying, this will make it happen. You should be crying.

Highlight single section of hair

Trend: one white streak of hair like Anna from “Frozen,” or Richard Madden, or Stacy London from “What Not to Wear”

My version: use way too much dry shampoo and just refuse to blend it

Have you ever wished your hair could make a statement? Do you want that statement to be “depressed Bride of Frankenstein”? Look no further! All you need to do is fail to shower for several days, let your hair turn into a tumbleweed of grease, and then spray some stark-white shampoo on it. That’s it! No brushing required or allowed.

Spice this up by continually shopping for the “perfect” dry shampoo that absorbs all your oil without leaving the white cast on your hair instead of taking the fifteen goddamn minutes to shower. You’re right, maybe this travel-sized Batiste bottle (because God forbid you commit to anything enough to buy the full size, you disgrace) will be the one that can fool everyone into thinking you’re a legitimate participating member of society. What’s this one called, Blush? “Floral and Flirty”? Sure, just spray that directly onto your scalp like it’s holy water washing away your sins.

De-puffing your eye area

Trend: caffeine in serums, refrigerating skincare, jade rollers

My version: attack it coming from the other direction by just crying super hard and then sleeping

Do you watch the Will Smith masterpiece, “Hitch,” and wish you could look like he does during his allergic reaction? Not actually allergic to anything? Follow me into a wonderful habit called “crying so hard you think you may have come around full circle and made your eyes not puffy.” That’s right, if you use my deeply flawed logic and lifestyle, you can cling to the hope that eye puffiness is not a line but a circle, and if you get the water retention of the thin eyelid super incorrect it’ll just spin around like a metaphor in Inception and you’ll have de-puffed eyes. Be sure to do the hardest crying immediately before lying down to sleep. Optimally you will still have tears leaking into the pillow, but don’t worry if you can’t hit the advanced course just yet.

Trendy, unexpected nail polish and patterns

Trend: party nail, unusual neutrals, reverse French manicures, fun shapes, not being a cuticle-tearing piece of shit

My version: being a cuticle-tearing piece of shit

Do you want to try some new beauty trends, but you’re worried about your face looking silly? Just follow me, and ignore your face while gnawing your fingertips like a starved beaver eating corn on the cob until everyone won’t even notice your face because your hands look so terrible. Do you work a 9-5 desk job, but want to look like you’re a malnourished peasant child in January of 1840 working as an apprentice stone mason? Just put your fingers to your face and go to town. Moisturizer is for chumps and quitters.

Air-drying your hair

Trend: ease up on hairdryer, straightener, and curling iron use and let your hair dry over time; with still-wet hair, add a product designed specifically to use in air-dried styles and let your hair do its thing; don’t dry it aggressively with a towel as that will make it frizz, instead use a t-shirt as a towel and wrap your hair in it while you sleep

My version: do all of those things but just never leave your bed because you’re a sea slug

Does air-drying your hair sound pretty ideal because it doesn’t take much effort? Do you want to pretend to be “protecting your hair from too much heat, you know?” but really you don’t even own a hair dryer? Do you forget where you left your straightener because the last time you used it was probably during the Obama presidency? Do I own a curling iron? No, really, I don’t know?

Then go ahead and purchase a styling gel or cream that is supposed to be used on air-dried hair! There are plenty of options, and all of them will be about 75% good for your hair. Distribute the product evenly, grab an old, soft t-shirt, and wrap your hair with it. Make your way off to sleep, and when you wake up, you’ll be able to admire your natural-looking hair right before you eat a Pop-Tart and go immediately back to bed like the fragile, sad coral you are. Don’t go outside. Don’t take a selfie. Just vaguely pet your hair until slumber and malaise retake you.

Laser-hair removal

Trend: paying for treatments which zap the root of the hair so it cannot regrow and you don’t have to spend time shaving or waxing or anything

My version: sometimes remembering to shave while longing for colder months

Are you exhausted by shaving your legs constantly? Just stop doing that and wear more pants. Not as like, an aesthetic or political feminist choice, but as a lazy, barely-functioning person who likes smooth legs but finds effort difficult. Buy pants and aim for November.


Trend: maintain a fuller but precise eyebrow through regular waxes, tweezing, and microblading; fill out any patchy areas with your brow product of choice after combing the hairs

My version: *wheezing through laughter and sobs* I’m supposed to what??

I bought a Maybelline pencil and I try not to yank on my eyebrow hairs I’m basically Allure magazine


Trend: making an effort

My version: No

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