(This is written in honor of Rip van Super Bowl, where a record-setting punt was the most exciting thing to happen)
I need a set of people in striped shirts to just throw yellow napkins at me any time I’m messing up my own existence
Also I am hilarious, enjoy
- Holding (defensive)
- I’m keeping a shirt that doesn’t fit I haven’t worn in 2 years in my closet because “I might need a shirt like this sometime”
- Holding (offensive)
- Transporting stuff that never got unpacked after my last move in my new move as if I’m going to unpack it this time
- And then leaving it on a high shelf or a garage
- I couldn’t possibly throw out that notebook how dare you insinuate that I should
- And then leaving it on a high shelf or a garage
- Transporting stuff that never got unpacked after my last move in my new move as if I’m going to unpack it this time
- Illegal use of hands to the face
- I’m digging at a pimple on my chin
- Face mask
- I’m using a face mask as self-care while ignoring every other physical need my body has
- Pass interference
- Pick up your phone while it is ringing
- No, now, not later
- Listen to the goddamn voicemail oh my God
- No, now, not later
- Pick up your phone while it is ringing
- Chop block
- When I decide to go for a run after taking like a month off and decide to do like 3 miles at once for no reason other than “let’s see what happens”
- I am in serious pain, that’s what happens
- Ya doofus
- I am in serious pain, that’s what happens
- When I decide to go for a run after taking like a month off and decide to do like 3 miles at once for no reason other than “let’s see what happens”
- Clipping
- Don’t eat yet another refined carb you absolute menace
- It is 10:37 PM you do not need a Pop-Tart
- Don’t eat yet another refined carb you absolute menace
- Roy Williams tackle
- When instead of walking the extra like, 8 feet to the trashcan, I decide to hang on to whatever tissue or refuse I have, and just hold it in my hand like a goddamn weirdo, or leave it on the table or floor, creating more work for myself later
- Roughing the passer
- When I have no idea how to accept a compliment so I aggressively insinuate that the person who delivered the compliment is a lying liar
- Roughing the kicker
- When I refuse to accept a gift
- Too many men on the field
- This one is called any time I jump to conclusions about a friend’s boyfriend and immediately tell them to dump him
- I am bad at giving relationship advice that isn’t DUMP HIM, DUMP HIM YESTERDAY
- This one is called any time I jump to conclusions about a friend’s boyfriend and immediately tell them to dump him
- Offside
- I’m disclosing my mental health history and past trauma wayyyyy too fast for the length of the acquaintance
- False start
- When I buy yet another journal or notebook with the intention of *~*starting fresh*~* and I never ever write in it
- This one is a 10-yard penalty
- 5 yards is when I read yet another article about bullet journaling like it is going to alter my behavior in some way
- This one is a 10-yard penalty
- When I buy yet another journal or notebook with the intention of *~*starting fresh*~* and I never ever write in it
- Delay of game
- Get out of bed
- Now
- Stop scrolling Twitter you maniac
- No it doesn’t matter that you’re reading the news, get up
- 10-yard penalty
- 15-yard penalty
- 15 lightyear penalty STOP BEING THE WAY YOU ARE
- 15-yard penalty
- 10-yard penalty
- No it doesn’t matter that you’re reading the news, get up
- Stop scrolling Twitter you maniac
- Now
- Get out of bed
- Calling excess timeouts
- When I don’t even cancel plans, I refuse to make them in the first place
- Personal foul
- Ooooh this one has several
- Any time I see a group of teens laughing about something and I assume they are mocking me
- When a baby boomer says something about working their way through college and instead of ignoring it I end up with a throbbing neck vein of stress
- Anyone ever says anything bad about my dog ever
- this hasn’t happened but I cannot imagine my reaction would be reasonable or appropriate
- Ooooh this one has several
- Unsportsmanlike conduct
- My replying to a text message with “so sorry! just saw this!” when I definitely saw it in a notification, read it, and then put my phone away