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Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 10: “The Winds of Winter”

July 20, 2016

*grins with delight and digs in*

Also quick Emmys thing: Lena you perfect thing you deserved this, Maisie you’re great but idkkkk especially not this season with your silly billy ploy, Peter Dinklage???? and OMG KIT, YES.  Kit has been killing this frequently sad-sack writing role for years and he deserves it.  Sophie Turner needed one, though.

King’s Landing

Shoutout to whoever did the music for this episode, you kiiiiiiilled it.  Like 2005’s Pride and Prejudice except in a minor key with murder in our hearts.

This freakin’ first twenty minutes, tho.  My God.  I was in from the second Cersei’s outfit went Kill ‘Em With the Shoulders/Mockingjay and it just got better.  Loras’ confession was actually kind of difficult to watch, perhaps because marriage equality is celebrating one year, but dang, boo, you sold that performance.  Also I get that you have to carve the thing in his head but could we not get him like a Band-Aid after he’s confessed? That’s just unnecessary.  My heart also broke for Margaery, because she thought she was keeping her brother safe, and she wasn’t, and ahhhh 🙁 🙁 🙁

Also Willas Tyrell, somewhere in the distance: “hey there I’m the heir”

Thank you to Pycelle, who had our last Unnamed Boobs sighting of the season (we get it he’s gross why, why you gotta…*sigh*).   Could have done with about one thousand percent less of the creepy children.  Creepy children with knives.  Creepy children who Et tu, Brute’d an old man preeeeetty horrifically.  Like, you gotta make the kids do that, Dr. Frankenstein?  Seriously?  Why? There is not enough Westerosi therapy in the world for those kids, and your literal day job is making patchwork slaughterzombies, so maybe next time *you* stab him.

Then there’s Lancel, whose fraternity pledging has seen better weeks, getting extra-crispy but the green reflected nicely in his eyes

This was…wow.  I did not see it coming until it was there, and while I know people were calling bullshit on Margaery figuring it out, I actually felt it was pretty reasonable.  She has always been legitimately smart, and I’m sorry to see her character go, especially in the highest neckline we’ve ever seen her in.  This was some serious, serious shit, it was very very Cersei, and I loved it.  I loved it, I thought it was genius, I thought the tension was perfectly played, and just…damn, show.  You did good work.  Blackwater looked better but daytime is hard, CGI folks, I feel ya.

So, Tommen.  I did not expect this at all.  This little dude is like the child of Colbie Callait’s discography and a kitten and just. Umf. Idk.  I also got very nerdragey like “the fuck kinda line of succession is this” but Andrew pointed out that she’s not like “according to laws I am queen” she’s like “according to death I am queen do you wanna fight me no you don’t”  I get it, and it is an interesting twist, and yes the Maggy prophecy, and yes, Tommen was almost certainly not going to last forever, but it just seemed…off.  I’m settling in to accepting Cersei’s reaction: each of her children’s deaths seems to affect her less, and perhaps that was the goal, but I’m not sure she ever truly accepted that prediction as the truth, so I’m surprised she wasn’t more affected, especially by Tommen, who was not objectively evil.

But anyway. Lena Headey.  The dress.  The wine.  “Shame. Shame. Shame.” That bell crushing people while she’s standing there smiling like “I got 99 problems but a sept ain’t one” and like, Kevan Lannister is in there, and the High Sparrow, and Mace Tyrell, and just… damn, Daniel.  At it *again.* It is also a perfectly Cersei move in that it ends all of her immediate problems while completely fucking her for the future.

I loved it, I loved it, all the way up through Jaime’s “goddamit I leave for FIVE MINUTES and everything falls apar- honey? Honey, what happened to the…hooooly shit. okay. Ohhhhkay.”  Someone also pointed out to me that Jaime became the Kingslayer when he tried to prevent a ruling monarch from…burning down the city.  Gah. GAHHHH.

Beyond the Wall

Hi Benjen (Coldhands?)

Bye, Benjen

Well done, bringing back an actor from Season 1 (who is still pretty fly for wight guy, still would tbh) who I guess had to keep his facial hair like that for a while? Anyway, Bran is still kinda the worst, Meera is still the glue that holds literally everything together, and OH THAT’S RIGHT WE GOT THE ENDING TO THE TOWER OF JOY MY HEART.  MY HEART, GUYS.  MY HEART IS FALLING TO PIECES PICK THEM UP NED PATRICK HARRIS PROMISE ME.

I do absolutely wish they had kept this as one single cut scene (not split it between episodes) but you know what? They did the thing and it was lovely and I teared up and y’all can stay, Thrones.  That’ll do, pig.

Dorne

Cry. ing. laugh. ing. for DAYS

Olenna saying what we all wanted to say

“the fuck is this? the fuck is you?”

Also did she call her Barbaro? Like, the beloved late racehorse? I’m not opposed I just wanted to be sure

I love her so much, this plot is still a trashpile, can we still not coordinate accents for the brown people, Varys can apparently Apparate, black looks good on the Queen of Thorns, I miss Oberyn, this plot is a trashpile, where is Arianne, can we spend more time acting and writing than landscaping, this plot is a trashpile

Also I am still mad that they labeled Sunspear “Dorne”

Oldtown

*bird*

hey guys winter’s here get out ur coats n stuff

*bird out*

Samwell you precious being too good for this world, carrying the world’s worst-concealed sword and bringing an actual woman and baby into the Thunderdome, adorably talking to the librarian who is the Most Done, telling this old dude that yeah sorry everyone you thought you knew is dead here’s a note from my mom.  Jon Snow is Sam’s mom.  He is.

Sam then goes on to do his best Belle impression and in that moment I swear we were infinite I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

No one grins like Samwell/ no one wins like Samwell/ no one’s brushing aside carnal sins like Samwell

Also I legit forgot that the Citadel decides if it’s winter so I was like “birds??? for??? oh, oh RIGHT” Birds from the Ivory Weather Channel

The Twins

FREY PIE WE GOT THE FREY PIE

So kids if you haven’t read the books, this isn’t really a spoiler, just a…thing?  idk. Anyway, a northern lord (not Arya) gets understandably pissed at Walder Frey, the world’s most disgusting grandfather, and legit cuts up some of his sons and serves them to him.  We don’t see it but it is discussed and it’s basically canon like how the Tower of Joy is canon and I am apparently a bloodthirsty monster because I was like YESSSSS IT’S THE PIESSSS.  It’s very Titus Andronicus except dirtier and no Mrs. Norris.  So yeah, the pie thing.  Heh, heh.

This was a cool scene to see played out, but it seemed pretty fan-service-y for not much reason, and also why can some people travel quickly and others *ahemSam* take a whole season to go the same distance?  I would just like some consistency in my entirely made-up world OKAY.  I wasn’t a big fan of Arya’s whole plot line, especially the part where A Man Has No Qualms About Letting a Revenge Monster Go Into the World.  There’s gotta be like, a better system.  Why would she be able to beat the Waif, why do they just let her go, etc etc.  I also saw someone saying that watching Arya smile while a man bled to death from the neck was “a scary turn” for her character and I gotta disagree there.  She’s been morally questionable and violent from day one.  She has a *hit list.*  Grab ya Glocks when you see Arya Stark.

Winterfell

Hi. Davos. Crying for days.  Months.  Possibly forever.  Whoever is writing for Liam Cunningham is amazing, Liam Cunningham is perfect, and this sceeeeeene.  Davos’ friendship with Shireen was one of the few shining lights in this whole disaster saga, and the show murdered her, and Davos found out, because of course he did.

Melisandre’s line about of course she burned her, but so did her father, and so did her mother, was a really good line if you accept the premise that Stannis would burn Shireen which I don’t because I’m a Stan-nis and nope. But let’s pretend for a moment.  Davos just rushing through all of his feelings about Shireen means he’s also rushing through all his feelings about Stannis, and telling Melisandre that he was not the Prince that was Promised is some heavyyyy shitttttt.  He’s not even confronting the fact that Stannis is dead, it’s that he wasn’t even good. DAVOS.  MY HEART.  Show Davos is sassier than book Davos and a bit more light-hearted and tbh I actually really like it and so when he says “she was good, and kind, and you killed her” I’M CRYING FOREVER.  Seriously this scene made me a mess and it was very, very necessary.

Then there’s Jon and Sansa who I will gladly watch being freaking ADORABLE for the next decade my tiny precious babies with snow in their hair omgggg.  I’m still not sold on the JonBun but the SansaBraid can stay.  And to the show’s credit, I could not entirely get a good read on how they ended their relationship in this episode.  Is Sansa mad?  Is Jon unsure?  Can we just put Lyanna Mormont in charge? Is there time? (just kidding OR AM I).  The whole “The King in the North” thing was about as subtle as a Theon-instigated beheading (look it’s like ROBB remember how THAT WORKED OUT) but it still warmed my frozen heart and I definitely want to see how this plays out, especially when Jon gets up and is like “now that you’re all my servants no take-backsies THERE ARE A LOTTTT OF ICE ZOMBIES”

Littlefinger has got to go.  I don’t know why they didn’t just let Aiden Gillen talk how he talks, but he always sounds like he has a patch of wool on the roof of his mouth, and his lines are garbage.  He is a mustache-twirling, creep-talking skinny-ass douchebag in a shiny bathrobe and he’s been bugging me from day 1.  I don’t know if the writers are like “he’s the most mysterious of allllll the characters look how *interesting*” but his plot is no, his face is no, his lines is no, you need to let it Snow.  “Chaos isn’t a pit, chaos is a ladder” oh FUCK OFF this is a terrible speech, you’re terrible, Sansa isn’t taking you to the prom go AWAY.  I saw someone on the internet say something about how Sansa looking at Petyr while the room is chanting “The King in the North” is significant because she might be plotting with him now that the room chose Jon over her.  I’m not buying it.  That stare was less “let’s plot” and more “I wish I had Matila Wormwood powers and could make your death by stabbing look like an accident.”

Anyway Winter is Here and I’m excited to see what’s going on.  Really just needed some Brienne and Tormund.

Meereen

Okay let’s get the requisite stuff out of the way – WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE WESTEROS, FINALLY.  Bay of Dragons is not subtle.  We apparently had to paint every single boat and sail, which explains why it’s taken a thousand years to start the journey.  I appreciate the show’s commitment to “let’s just hand Tyrion things he marginally deserves” (get it, *Hand* him things?… I’ll show myself out), and while I’m interested to see where this goes, that pin belongs to Barristan Selmy you jerkfaces.  BARRISTAN DESERVED BETTER okay okay okay I’m back, I’m okay

then, this show did the best thing that could ever happen to me

This was the best thing that has ever happened to me on this entire stupid show.  I could not contain my glee because this was the best. goddamn. moment. ever.

Dany’s “boy, bye” speech and the ensuing conversation was like Christmas and my birthday and passing the bar all wrapped into one glorious moment.  It was cookie dough ice cream.  It was warm towels on your lap right out of the dryer.  It was raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.  I’m smiling right now as I write this.  You better call Daario with the blue hair.

First of all, we know that she’s dumping him because she’s gonna date Asha/Yara (I have named this ship the Iron Fleet and I am BOARDED) ANYWAY

Daario, if Game of Thrones characters were TV shows, you would be Two and a Half Men plus The Big Bang Theory plus some other show that we’re supposed to like but fucking sucks I don’t even know you stupid stupid generic-ass triflin’-ass not-good-enough-for-the-Warcraft-movie-ass-lookin’ Jorah 2.0 without the pretty neckscarf or “tragic” backstory you got SCHOOLED and it was the most beautiful thing of all time.  She tells you she needs you to stay in Meereen to make sure it doesn’t collapse.  Somewhere in your “if we were in America my name would be Matt and I’d be wearing khakis” brain, you must remember swearing your life to her.  She is dumping you to go be queen, and understandably so.  Your reaction is a slightly more elegant version of “SCUZE ME MISS CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND YOU A GODDESS…what you can’t say hello back? whatever bitch u ugly anyway.”  Like, seriously, “I hope you enjoy your throne”?  Mr. Daario, sir, did you think the whole Seven Kingdoms thing was her side chick that was fun to mess around with while pursuing her true goal of Netflix and chill forever with your dusty fuckboy ass?  How did you *think* this was gonna end?  If you answered “in a way that will make Christina giggle for weeks when she thinks about it” YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR.

This scene was my equivalent of Bill Pullman’s Independence Day speech. hashtag blessed

 

This season did some really good work.  There was a noticeable drop in terrible things happening to women, and they got to do some stuff that seemed actually reasonable.  I also did so much better watching this show when there’s no books to compare it to.  I’m here for next season, and I will be hoping and praying for Tormienne to take off like the precious flock of doves it is.  Brienne x Tormund forever

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 8: No One

June 17, 2016

I am such garbage I’m so sorry hey there fellow kids tryna stay relevant

So this episode was a giant Mortal Kombat episode and I’m not that mad tbh

The Hound

Sandor Clegane is an absolute trashbag of a person and I love him to the stars and I don’t know why but I DOOOO.  “You’re shit at dying” is just a wonderful line and this entire scene was out of control gory and I loved it all.  Also a protip on Game of Thrones: if they haven’t given your character a name and you’re making dirty jokes you’re dead. If they have given you a name, you’re in the title sequence forever. I don’t make the rules.

I am pretty sure they brought back Beric just as a final “YOU’RE NOT GETTING STONEHEART DEAL WITH IT.” The Lord of Light has shone upon Beric for a reason and it is to keep the fans frustrated and Michelle Fairley out of a job.  I’m glad Thoros has jumped on the manbun bandwagon (bunwagon?) and we shall see where this plot goes in…two episodes? One, maybe. Idk.  Just one more shoutout to the perfect casting that is Rory McCann.  Did not need the dick pic but RORY.

Meereen

The scene with Tyrion and Varys was terribly written and poorly shot exposition and I feel like I should be thankful there wasn’t 1. a nameless naked woman in the background 2. Daario.  (Is it even a little possible that Drogon ate him like PLEASE, SHOW, DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ME) just uuughhh this scene was awful up to and including Varys’ little “turn arooooound bright eyes” lookback for no reason uuughh show do better.

THEN, we get yet another scene of “We Gave Up Writing For These Characters and Are Waiting For Daenerys.” I would prefer Missandei telling Tyrion to fuck off in 19 languages but no we have to watch “let’s play a game that shows my life was better than yours.”

GREY. WORM. My precious bb who was done with Tyrion’s garbage from day 1.  Grey Worm brought a gun to the knife fight at Amateur Standup Night.  Grey Worm has PT at 5 AM and is Not Here For Your Shit. Grey Worm works that v-neck.  Grey Worm has to go on patrol.  Grey Worm says YOU ARE DONE TALKING NOW BECAUSE YOU MESSED UP SO BAD. Unf, I enjoyed that scene.  Dany apparently had a hairdresser in the desert (which absolutely means at least one Dothraki lady christened her Dany with the Good Hair) and bursts in just in time to cut to the next scene idk idk I’m bored here and there’s dragons so that’s not a good sign.

King’s Landing

Lancel’s frat initiation is going well but could be going better

I realized in this episode that we’re not calling him Ser Robert Strong, we’re just owning up to the zombie Mountain and letting him rip people’s heads off.  Which is cool, I guess?  I just figured we’d be more uncomfortable about this but I guess not aaaand I apparently am not going anywhere with this idk just don’t be the first guy to rush the Mountain even if your Pi Delt brothers tell you to and its the last day of Hell Week

Tommen “We Are Not Counting Hanging Chads Any Longer” Baratheon and Cersei “Well, Fuck, I Am Screwed” Lannister sharing a lovely mother-son look over a barely-restrained mob, aka the populace

Can we not get Tommen a crown that fits him or

And for tonight’s other really clumsy exposition, we have Qyburn saying “yes, the poison for Kuzco, the poison made specifically to kill Kuzco, Kuzco’s poison” oh my GOD did we miss something? Like I legit thought maybe I had missed a conversation but no they were just crafting dialogue like “hey that thing we can’t say? yeah? got the deets got the hookup” dear God please make this plotline not atrocious in the last ep

Dorne

lolol just kidding fuck ur dreams

The Riverlands

YYYYYYYYEEEESSSSSSssss. I loved this I loved all of it even though I ship Brienne and Tormund really hard now oh mannnn I loved this.

I even did not hate Bronn in this, and I usually kinda hate Bronn, which is an unpopular opinion, but Bronn feels like a guy who would show up to your engagement party in a Jets jersey even though he knows its black tie and he owns a suit, hit on three of your friends, and burp when your mom tries to make a speech about how much she loves you. However, We Were All Bronn when he said “do you think they’re fucking.” Pod’s face, and then Bronn just rolls with it, and then “everyone wants to hit you,” and PODRICK. You and Brienne are not a brain trust but you are all that is pure in this world and I love you.

Meanwhile, in the tent of cheekbone perfection, we have a Great Scene and I love them both and Gwendoline has been carrying this entire season and I LOVE HER. This scene was a tiny tiny tiny bit overdone, but I really very much enjoyed the whole “what could have been” tone for it, and this was a really well-acted scene.

Jaime’s scene with Edmure apparently was not super well-liked, but I actually loved it.  When I was reading the books, his redemption arc seemed to constantly curve towards goodness, and then he gets this chapter in A Feast for Crows and literally tells a man he will catapult his infant son over a castle’s walls because Jaime Lannister still kinda dgaf. If this is what gets him back to Cersei he will kidnap a THOUSAND children before he sees this company die! (MONSTERS INC REFERENCE CHHHHECK)

Brynden “Baby Boomer Blackfish” Tully still doing the thing that most annoys everyone (“I don’t really like my job but no one else can have it”) and I just, idk. You deserved an on-screen death, sir.  I liked you.  You took a three-season potty break and that shows dedication.

Thank you showrunners for that dramatic Stare from the Boat I appreciate it v v much

Braavos

A Plot has no point

A Plot wasted two seasons

UUUUggghhh seriously this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb. First of all, Arya got stabbed the fuck in the stomach and Lady “I Have Poor Impulse Control and No Medical Training” Crane is not gonna be enough to fix you, boo.  This relationship didn’t make sense and it still doesn’t make sense and surprise surprise T-2000 shows up ready for murdering so Arya Connor can’t fuck up the future and uuuughhh.  Apparently stomach stabs are nbd when it comes to jumping out two-story windows and hitting the superhero land, and apparently no other assassins get trained while blind, which seems like a bad call.  The Waif had more training than you, no injuries, and probably also knows how to fight blind THIS WAS DUMB. THIS WAS REALLY DUMB.

And yes, thank you Sexy Nightshirt for being kind of impressed with her beating the Waif and okay FINE I appreciated his little tiny smile because I’m shallow and easily swayed but I was not fist-pumping at “a girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell and I am going home.” Girl you fucked up your internship real bad and what exactly are you going home to and what was the GODDAMN. POINT. OF THE LAST. TWO. SEASONS. At least the Mercy chapter in the book made some flipping sense and had some level of subtlety? Like she thought about it? And maybe wants to learn more than like 2 months and focus on something for a goddamn second?  Arya’s gonna go back and find Gendry and be like “yeah I liked Assassin School but it just like, wasn’t my *passion* you know? And I want to love what I do.” And Gendry will continue to row.

ALSO,  I wasn’t scared for her for a *second*. At no point in any of the scenes have I actually been nervous that she might die.

GRRM: “I like people to be scared for my heros, and scared to turn the page to see what happens to them”

D&D: haha nah

 

NEXT WEEK we get Bae and Bae-yond Horrible in a match to the death

TEAM MAN-BUN

 

 

Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1: “The Red Woman”

April 27, 2016

GUESS WHO’S BACK / BACK AGAIN

Hey there fellow kids, I a back reviewing this on-fire garbage can of a show because I hate myself I guess idk idk.

The Wall

Okay so realtalk Ghost is the best part of this show don’t @ me.  Just an all-around great pupper and I will hear no discussion of the matter.

So I am not hating on how they’re handling this right now??? Like I’m honestly not mad?  Davos is Davos-ing real good: I particularly enjoyed his “you’ll have to come back later we’re trying to escape” line to Alliser Thorne.  Davos is best when he’s assessing the situation in a Gimli-esque fashion and he did a great job.  Also shoutout to Dolorous Edd for making me tear up.  Man, I hope that Kit had to actually lie there for all of these scenes, especially the ones where his eyes are open. “Kit don’t laugh, you’re messing up the shot. Don’t laugh, Kit. CHRISTOPHER, DO NOT LAUGH”

Alliser Thorne’s speech (despite being lit by a single candle a mile away like COME ON I get it but we wanna actually SEE the show) was quite good, and I don’t even mind that the dialect coach was like “okay I need you to sound like a slightly sloshed Edinburgh man in a pub after a hard-fought football win…no but even more accent.  More than that.  Keep going, I’ll tell you when.” In general, though, this is something I could picture happening in the books. Davos isn’t there when this goes down, but *shrug* I’m on board, and I’m interested to see how the wildlings play out.

If Melisandre could get like 5 minutes where she’s not trying to fuck someone that would be A+, and yes I am counting 1. the dudebros in the audience and 2. herself in a mirror.  This was also a silly reveal for me.  She can do magic.  We know. We read it in Hogwarts, a History.  Who cares. From my reading of the books she could be a crocodile for all we know. Emilio Unimpresstevez.  Additionally, a ton of the fandom lost their minds because we saw an older woman naked and OH MY GOD MY EYES.  Earlier in the episode we saw a spear come out of a man’s head but yes by all means continue in the vein of “elderly nudity is always repulsive.” Do better, show.

The North

If I have to watch one more goddamn minute of Ramsay doing anything but dying I stg

What can stay, though, is Roose Bolton’s consistent and complete disappointment in his son.  His brand is disdain and I am Here For It. Also thank you boo for the shoutout to Fat Walda, my favorite tertiary character, may she live forever.

And then we have Sansa and Reek and Brienne and Pod, and I don’t even care that perhaps it would have been difficult for Brienne to find them, because this scene was perfection.  Like I am borderline willing to forgive them for the rest of this episode because this scene exists.  Gwendoline Christie was criminally underused in The Force Awakens and I want to cry if I think about her or Brienne or this scene too much.  She just gives Sansa this look like she’s got a reason to live and to be a knight again, and Sansa AND Reek AND Pod all look at Brienne like their avenging angel savior.  And Pod prompting Sansa’s half of the oath???? TEARS FOR DAYS

This is the first time Sansa’s been around a person who is looking out for her in years and this is her FIRST HUG IN YEARS and oh God my heart my HEART, GUYS

King’s Landing

The entire Faith of the Seven plotline is being compared to the Inquisition with the subtlety of an axe wound and it looks like they’re going for two axe wounds this season.  We gon’ drag this out a few more eps, huh? Great, wake me up when Sept-ember ends

Jaime’s face on that boat is “yeah boo idk our daughter is non-canonically dead I don’t know what to tell you” and it’s kinda sad but it’s also kinda stupid. You know what else was stupid? Jaime’s speech to Cersei about “we will take back everything they took from us and more.” Homie, you are down two kids and a sword hand, it’s not like your apartment refused to give back your security deposit.  “Don’t worry Cersei, I will GROW ANOTHER HAND” like what is your goal here dude

Nickolaj is still really pretty and they are letting progressively lower ranking interns work on Cersei’s wigs’ color

Dorne

I

Okay

What

What happened here.  Like. Did we try, to do anything, at all, or.  Like you had Alexander Siddig (!!!) as Doran Martell (!!!!) and you did absolutely nothing and then killed him.  My assumption is that Siddig went to the producers and was like “okay I’ve watched Season 5 and you need to get me off this fucking sinking ship immediately no I don’t care if you murder me I am DONE” and then they in fact murdered him.

I had a tweet low-key blow up on Sunday and it said the below

“You let Oberyn be murdered” Okay not to be contrary but that was at least a *little* bit Oberyn’s fault #GameofThrones

Let’s set aside that book Ellaria is a flower made of feelings and really doesn’t want to see any more death.  Let’s set aside that Arianne is not in the show at all.  Let’s set aside the fact that portraying the Sand Snakes as Ellaria’s kids on the show is some Sally-Field-is-Tom-Hanks’-Mom-in-Forrest-Gump-level fantasy.  This entire plot line is so freaking stupid I don’t even know what to do.  Family is dead so let’s kill more family including Trystane whose only crime is having good hair?  Doran is stupid enough to get dead that way?  Areo Hotah??? is stupid enough??? to get dead that way??? And the Sand Snakes are absolute show poison and remind me of that weird bad lady in Transporter 2 (screw you guys I’m not the only one who likes Jason Statham)

The whole Oberyn thing is like a version of Louis CK’s “Of Course But Maybe” sketch.  Of course, when a person is killed in a fight to the death, it’s sad, of *course*.  It’s especially horrible when it’s incredibly violent and vicious, and the deceased’s family is there to see him die.  Of COURSE. …but *maybe*, if you volunteer as a champion in a trial by combat that is by law going to end in death and the guy you’re fighting is called The Mountain and he’s like basically undefeated and he kills you while you’re monologue-ing, it’s a tiny bit your fault??  Maybe, if you pick up a spear and come after a guy and the guy comes back at you, it’s not that weird??

Just like, B&W, you’re lost here, admit you’re lost, admit killing Myrcella was stupid, admit you’re a disaster, and atone for killing Doran Martell and wasting ours and Siddig’s time.

Meereen and surrounding areas

If I have to watch one more dramatic walk and talk on the parapets between Tyrion and Varys I stg like DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING.  Like maybe GUARD YOUR SHIPS, YOU DOOFUSES.  Tyrion is fascinating as a character but the show’s insistence on just handing him things is just obnoxious and nap-inducing.  And Tyrion, don’t worry about your Valyrian not being so good, since they’re writing “Kill the Masters” in English on the walls so *shrug*. I will give them props for Varys’ sassy comeback to Tyrion’s “we have to make them feel she hasn’t abandoned them” line, because “she did fly the fuck away on a dragon and hasn’t come back so” is pretty great.  Otherwise, I don’t care and I’m still mad about Barristan so this bodes well obvs.

And as to Dany, I’m not entirely sure how no one in charge of this khalasar knows who she is. Like there are not many white-haired queen-looking people around, and while I get they are supposed to be some kind of Noble Independent Savage (seriously the show aaaand the book to be honest started poorly with the Dothraki portrayal and has not gotten less racist) but does NO ONE know who she is???

This entire set of scenes squicked me out pretty badly.  They took the time to develop a whole new language and they wasted it on “I banged your grandma” jokes, which are awful jokes to begin with and even *less* okay because Dany is walking next to two men who are chatting about how they’ll rape her.  Like on what planet is this supposed to be amusing?  I don’t know if the goal there was to show how smart Dany is because she understands what they’re saying, but that doesn’t give her any power.  She just knows more details about her awful situation.  Same goes for her meeting Khal Moro: hahaha yeah we havin a battle about what the best thing in the world is while this lady is waiting to die NOPE NO THANKS.

And now to everyone’s favorite Baritone 2 at the Renaissance Faire’s “Lord Blakely’s Merry Men,” we have Daario, doing his absolute best to combine Aragorn’s scruffiness with Legolas’ distant looks and trying my patience to its ABSOLUTE LIMIT.  YOU ARE THE MOST GENERIC MAN EVER TO SIT ATOP A HORSE, AND I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOUR APPEAL.

TAKE ME DOWN TO THE PARADISE CITY / WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND THE DIALOGUE SHITTY

TAKE ME DOWN TO THE PARADISE CITY / WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND THE DIALOGUE SHITTY

This. This scene.  This is why I started reading A Song of Ice and Fire.  I wanted to watch one bro tease another bro about not being able to get that blonde queen booty while he most definitely has, while the second bro plots the first bro’s death and tries to remember the guitar fingerings for “Creep.”  This is what I signed up for and this is why I’m here.  This entire plotline needs to get greyscale I hate everything whyyyyy

Literally I’m just here so I don’t get fined/ can maybe see some Tullys and Greyjoys at some point WE OUT

 

Nerding

My lack of hipness extends far and wide

January 3, 2016

Yes, a ton of my nerd stuff revolves around sci-fi and fantasy novels.  BUT, I am also a giant loser about many other things!  Here are some of my favorites, and this post is 6000% selfish because I just wanna talk about my feelings with people.   Feeeeeeelingsssssssss

Avatar: The Last Airbender
(apologies in advance because I am not caught up even a little bit on Korra)
(also no I don’t want to talk about M. Night’s movie do not even go there I will cry)

Iroh: “It is time for you to look inward and begin asking yourself the big questions: Who are you? And what do you want?”

Ohhhh yeah, American anime designed for kids.  Get at me. My lovely friend Adam introduced me to this show my sophomore year of college, and started the introduction of the show with “okay, this is going to sound kind of weird, but there’s this kids’ show, and it’s really good, so, um…would you want to see an episode?” And I did, and it was great.

The show’s introduction gives you a good idea of what it’s about, and what it’s about is EPIC: the world in which the show takes place has been experiencing a hundred years of war, caused by the Fire Nation.  The Fire Nation is made partially of firebenders: those with the ability to manipulate fire and (sometimes) lightning.  The Earth Kingdom, the Water Tribes, and the Air Nomads each have their own abilities in similar fashion.  The Avatar from the title cycles through the four nations, until the most recent Avatar died, and the Air Nomads were next.  The Fire Nation knew the Avatar was supposed to be reborn into the Air Nomads, so they killed them all.  Literally all of them.  Yep, this is a kids’ show.

The “for kids” aspect of this whole show just means they usually don’t show blood, they don’t swear, and death happens off screen, but that is where it stops and ends.  There’s war, and love, and serious amount of feelings, and the best redemption arc I’ve ever seen in a series (Jaime Lannister who?)  The art and the music is incredible, the voice acting is superb, and I can’t even say that there’s a weak episode in the whole thing.  The show also has a great sense of self-awareness, and skewers everything from American wrestling (Earthbending arena!) to itself.  Seriously, please, just give this show a shot.

The Discworld novels
“Of course someone would be that stupid.  Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it.  If you put a large switch in a cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End of the World Switch, PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH,’ the paint wouldn’t even have a time to dry.”- Thief of Time

Sir Terry Pratchett is the author of these books, may he rest in peace and entertain the afterlife with his wit, and I really don’t know what to say about them other than please read them and if you’ve already read them I need you to talk to me because oh my goodness they are the bestest.

My closest comparison to explaining these books is a sort of Douglas Adams is to sci-fi what Pratchett is to fantasy, but that is weak and doesn’t fully explain either writer to the best of their abilities.  Pratchett’s world, the Discworld, is first and foremost wonderful satire, but it’s so much more than that.  There are several major story arcs in the series, including witches, the Night Watch, the Wizards of Unseen University (“Now You See It, Now You Don’t”) and Death.  Death is a character who speaks in all capitals and really likes cats.  (If you’re a fan of the series, my favorite story arcs are the Night Watch and Death.)  There are also stand alone books that cover topics like Catholicism during the Spanish Inquisition and women joining the army disguised as men.

I have read most of the books more than once, and several I’ve read about a dozen times (Thief of Time and Night Watch).  Some of the books skewer things like Santa Claus and rock music, and some attempt some heavier stuff.  However, every single book will make you smile, and every single one will make you cry.  I really cannot explain how good these books are.

Starkid
“My name is Draco Malfoy.  I am a racist, I hate Muggles and Mudbloods, I despise Gryffindor House, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents.  Do you want to be my friend?”

This is the production company that originally got famous for “A Very Potter Musical,” which is goddamn amazing and probably the hardest I’ve laughed ever, but they are SO GOOD, YOU GUYS.  I went to one of their shows.  Alone.  I was the only one there who was not 15 or the parents of the 15-year-old.  I’M NOT SORRY THE SHOW WAS SO CUTE AND THEY DESERVE MONEY.

They have since done parody musicals for Batman and Aladdin, in addition to two Harry Potter sequels and you guys, I seriously cannot even explain how hard I laughed at this one.  The opening song for their Aladdin parody, Twisted, starts off with a song modeled after Beauty and the Beast’s opening song, except instead of “Bonjour!,” everyone is saying “f*** you” to Jafar.  In the Batman musical, the actor playing Batman does Christian Bale’s Batman voice the whole time.  I have seriously cried laughing during every single one of these musicals, and they are all on YouTube.  Go forth and laugh forever.

Mystery Science Theater 3000
“Put your helmet on, we’ll be reaching speeds of THREE!” – Space Mutiny

Confession: I am as old as this show.  Okay, my age is not the confession, but clearly I was not a fan of the show when it aired.  About 5 years ago I was working at CTY, and a staff movie night happened, and I did not understand what MST3K was, and my friend explained it as “it’s this guy, and he’s in a spaceship, and he has friends that are robots, and they make fun of movies.  …okay the plot doesn’t matter but it’s funny, it varies from ‘this is pretty funny’ to ‘I cannot breathe I am laughing so hard'” and he’s 100% correct on all fronts.

The show is great, and you should watch it.  They are going to make a new one and I am so goshdarn excited.  As to the old show, you can buy episodes, some are on Netflix, and you should also look up the stars of the show in general. They are still making hilarious stuff and they deserve money.

Jane Austen
“You know it, I’m not putting the quote here” – Me

I’m not sorry.  I really enjoy the novels (Persuasion in particular), and pretty much all of the adaptations I’ve seen.  I also love stuff based on her work, including Clueless, The Jane Austen Book Club, and Austenland.  I…just really like this stuff, guys.

Now, it’s totally cool if Austen isn’t your thing.  You don’t have to like all the things I like.  “I tried one of her books, and I just couldn’t get into it” is a totally valid thought.  “Ugh, dude, nothing happens, it’s not like Hemingway, all they do is talk and get married” is, frankly, not.  Austen touches a nerve for me, because she is the ultimate in the “men write for men and women, women write only for women” problem.  This is a very Katarina Stratford from 10 Things issue (up to and including the fact that Austen is sometimes thrown as a diversity bone to teachers wondering why the school board can’t buy a book written by a black man), but I’m still on Austen’s side.

Also, guys, the Sense and Sensibility adaptation is such a goshdarn gorgeous movie for every possible reason.  Watch that for me, at least, please.

Nerding

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

January 21, 2015

Hey everyone!  I’m still working through where I want to go with this blog (especially considering that the title is no longer accurate!) but I reeeeally needed to write something and I know this is way late but lolol cultural relevancy what r u even so here’s my letter to Peter Jackson about this movie

Dammit, Peter Jackson, I trusted you.

Your work with Lord of the Rings is exceptional, and while you clearly knew what you were doing with that, I was skeptical when I heard that you made The Hobbit into three movies, because I didn’t believe there was enough material there.  After seeing the first movie, I was convinced I was correct in my belief, but you changed my mind significantly with the second.  I LIKED the second.  The expansions you made to the plot were overall pretty great (hey there, Legolas!), Smaug looked wonderful, and I really felt involved in the story.  I was super psyched to see the third one, even though I knew it was going to make me sad.

Then I went to see the third one.  GodDAMMIT, Peter.

Okay, there were some things that were genuinely quite lovely.  Lee Pace’s eyebrows, for example.  The dwarves riding in on pigs, because PIGGIES!  And, um…yeah, mostly Lee Pace.  Face, hair, general demeanor.  Actual elvish perfection in every way.  Fine, okay, yes, Thorin’s death was incredibly well-shot and Martin Freeman’s acting in the scene made me cry, but just because you can shoot a death scene does not let you off the goddamn hook, Mr. Jackson.  Also using Billy Boyd’s angel voice for the credits? My individual tears are crying, you jerk.

I knew there wasn’t a whole lot left in the Smaug plotline from the book, but seriously dude? I know Benedict was probably pretty pricey, but you could literally have walked up to the CGI team and been like “we need to have a man drop from the sky and transform into a bear on the way down and then land into a battle and fuck shit up” and they would have done it for you (….OH WAIT YOU DID THAT HI BEORN HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR CAMEO) so we couldn’t have had like, a bit more dragon?  Or some of the Necromancer that wasn’t just a strobe light and the Minas Morgul track from RotK?  And I get that Smaug’s death is the ultimate in one-in-a-million shots but did we have to William Tell it up with Bard’s kid?  Come on, bro.  It’s a KID.  We’re gonna worry about the kid already, and then you gotta mount the freaking arrow of doom up on his shoulder?  Kid, I don’t know your name, but whatever you got paid for this movie, it wasn’t nearly enough.

And Alfrid.  What the HELL was up with Alfrid, bro?  Did you give him and his unibrow individual contracts?  Is that why we spent so much time filming him?  And come on, man, no one read the script and was like “hey, this guy seems like an AlphaDouche, mayyyybe we shouldn’t leave him in charge of everything?”  Peter, come on, I realize you’re going for comic relief, but letting Bard pick him out of everyone else to keep watch and then WHOOPSIES not noticing every elf in Mirkwood is on your front steps areyoukiddingme. People of Lake-town and Dale: I know you’ve got a gigantic leadership broner for Bard right now but his powers of delegation are CLEARLY lacking and perhaps you should place someone else (anyone else?) in charge. Like Thranduil’s elk.  Next time, Peter? More elk less Alfrid.

I was already super skeptical of Tauriel’s plotline and general existence, and you went right ahead and proved my skepticism to be correct on literally every goddamn count.  I would like whoever decided “why does it hurt so much? Because it was real” was an actual line that should be actually spoken and actually placed into the film to be publicly shamed.  I would like you to tell me why we are so scared of giving women anything other than bows and short knives to fight that isn’t “barely concealed phallic imagery when in the hands of women makes us uncomfortable so only boyz get the long sharp thingz kayyy.” I would like you to offer a public apology to Fili, who has to be extraordinarily pissed off that his death was nothing more than a vehicle for the Dashboard Confessional, Romeo-and-Juliet, this-isn’t-your-ordinary-love-story love story garbage, especially since his beard is CLEARLY THE SUPERIOR ONE.

And the White Council, Peter? Can we talk about that for a second?  You gave them like two minutes of screentime after plastering Christopher Lee’s face all over every promotional material that was made and it turned into The Expendables 19.  How exactly did you explain this when you pitched the scene? SARUMAN. ELROND. GALADRIEL. GANDALF. They all reunite in a battle for the ages against the forces of evil that is given zero explanation and even less time and you kind of feel like Liam Neeson is gonna show up and shoot someone because everything old is there.  Mr. Jackson, you gave us a Legolas backstory that is not canon nor was it relevant but we couldn’t scrape together another couple thousand to keep the old guard on set for like, 10 more minutes?  If you’re going to make this scene, make this scene, sir!  Don’t throw McKellen and Blanchett around with some *~*cRAzY sAuROn’S eYe*~* graphics and then allow several thousand years of experience to arrive on-set looking like it’s pissed that somewhere in the future, Aragorn is getting some and it’s his daughter.  MAKE THE EFFORT.

[Also if you listen carefully somewhere off in the distance Celeborn is screaming “I AM RELEVANT AND I MATTER AND I WILL NOT BE IGNORED”]

And Thorin, man? Come ON.  We’ve got the greatest vaguely dirty majestic face since Viggo and we go and give him draaaaaagon sicknesssss and some grandstanding?  Richard Armitage, who thought out his on-screen character enough to justify why he doesn’t have the long beard Tolkien wrote him with, was given about a hundred variations of “I’m really high and would kill for a burrito right now” except the burrito was the Arkenstone and you were somehow okay with this.  I realize it had been a long time in the movies since anyone had worn the One Ring and you were annoyed that you couldn’t put weird-ass effects but the gold thing really COME ON.  And while I will give you credit for his actual death scene with Bilbo, the fight was ridiculous and you know it.  Ice! Snow! Extra weapons! Uncertain kill shot! Slidey around on this iceberg wheeee! This is a dwarf king, a ridiculously talented beast-with-a-beard and you’re going to let him get Oberyn’d because we didn’t have nearly enough jumpshots and it’s fun to stab people through the foot.  Seriously just give Legolas like 18 more trick shots and call it a day because you need to stop, sir.

Just…dammit, man.  You won ten years ago.  This was a kids’ book.  I trusted you, man, and you let me down.

Nerding

I just have a lot of feelings about Ron and Hermione

February 10, 2014

I don’t even have a good political/social justice reason to be writing this: I just have many emotions about works of fiction written for children.  And as a disclaimer, I do still love Rowling and her work, she’s lovely to her fans, she’s a good egg; I’m just a little cranky.

Spoilers for everything, obviously.

So, in case you haven’t heard, J.K. Rowling said in an interview that she regrets pairing up Ron and Hermione, and that Hermione should have ended up with Harry, and that Hermione and Ron would have needed relationship counseling.  LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS IN A LIST I LOVE LISTS LET’S DO A LIST

1. Goddamn do I hate when authors just change things in interviews
This is a huge pet peeve of mine, and while it doesn’t happen all that frequently, I really get quite frustrated when authors (especially years after their books have been published) decide to say that something else has happened.  This is not to say that I care if an author clarifies something they obscured or hinted at in their books (GRRM confirming that Renly Baratheon and Loras Tyrell were in a relationship, for example, or even “outing” Dumbledore); that’s totally fair game.  But you get a certain amount of pages to tell a story.  You’ve laid it out.  You’ve told it.  And now, you’re okay with throwing a huge wrench into a story we know and love simply because you’ve thought about it for a while?  It also makes me think that you are doing this for publicity’s sake only or some other very selfish reason.  This most likely sounds silly to you (“um, Christina, it’s fiction, calm down”) but this stuff matters to me.

ANYWAY

2. What the hell was the point of like a quarter of book 7 then, dammit
Ron is not a good dude to Hermione for most of the series, and it is certainly a bit of idiocy that seems to be commonplace in kids and teenagers.  While I’m not excusing his behavior, it was completely wonderful for me to watch two people who clearly love each other actually figuring out that they DO in Deathly Hallows.  Mostly, Ron realizes that just being vaguely jealous in her direction is not gonna work, and starts to get his act together.  Ron’s return after he abandons Harry and Hermione is a great moment, especially since Hermione is her typical amazing self and is not all “awww yay you’re back!”  She’s super mad at him for a while, and comes to forgive him, and Ron’s line “all’s fair in love and war, and this is a little of both” is one of my favorites in the whole series.   His reactions as she’s being tortured at Malfoy Manor are heart-wrenchingly realistic and were physically painful for me to read.
My favorite interactions occurred even later in the book, during the Battle of Hogwarts.  Hermione’s reaction to Ron being able to get into the Chamber of Secrets is adorable and genuine on its own, but you obviously know which specific interaction I’m referring to.  Ron’s statement that they need to get the house elves out is his best line.  He’s not doing this to impress Hermione; they’re in the middle of a battle.  He’s seen Dobby die for him and his friends, and he can’t bear to let that happen again.  He’s grown up and matured and gets it, and Hermione recognizes this when she kisses him.

Alllllll this stuff is in there. It didn’t feel forced.  It didn’t feel weird.  And we watched Ron awkwardly and realistically be a jealous punk towards her for 6 books before, only to culminate in this amazing, well-thought-out change.  And of COURSE they’re still going to have to work at their relationship.  That doesn’t invalidate it.  Rowling mentions that they’d need counseling like it’s a joke and that relationships are easy if they’re valid.  So…all of that effort was wrong, was it?  Forced? Wish fulfillment?  I call it a stunning example of character and relationship evolution that demonstrates real-world relationships with problems but SURE WHATEVER YOU WANT

3. Can we seriously let people have serious loving friendships without making them date
I get incredibly frustrated when fans of characters decide that since two characters care deeply for one another, they must inevitably have a sexual relationship as well.  It is incredibly disrespectful of both the story and real-life examples of friends who would die to protect each other without the guarantee of sex to motivate them.  It’s the equivalent of having an opposite sex friend between the ages of 8 and 17 and having someone say “ooohhh you LIKE them, don’t you??? ;);)”  Just stop it.

Harry and Hermione are in a wonderful, respectful, loving friendship and do not date.  They spend a good portion of the series just being like “yo, Wizarding World, we’re not dating, can you leave now byyyye”  The anger I feel for this is similar to people who have decided that Sherlock and Watson are dating as well.  While I understand the Sherlock fans a bit more (the director of the series does seem to be screwing with the fans based on the number of intense gazes John and Sherlock share), it is the same general problem.  You can’t possibly feel strongly for someone unless there’s sex involved?  Not buying it, never buying it.

And, perhaps most importantly

4. Hermione is a heroine with her own hopes and dreams and is not just the girl the hero gets as a reward for a job well done
I have so many emotions about Hermione I basically could write a whole post just devoted to them.  She was one of my first characters that I genuinely looked up to, because she was smart and brave, but Rowling also let her be very emotional.  Book 7 especially is basically a practical course in “Hermione’s the best haters to the left” and she saves everyone over and over again.  There are days I wish the series was written from her perspective.  There are days where I still want to be her.  When someone on Twitter referred to her as “Mrs. Weasley,” Emma Watson jumped in and said, “actually, I think Hermione would have kept her name.”  Hermione Granger is the queen of everything.

She is NOT the prize for Harry at the end.  She is not the prize for Ron at the end.  She’s the most talented, compassionate, wonderful nerdgirl in the entire universe and to act like she was the Cute Female Friend who existed to be paired with one of the important dude-characters is just all levels of unacceptable.

To sum up: yep, I guess #TeamRon but really #TeamHermione and #TeamDon’tChangeThingsAroundDammit and extra specially #TeamTooEmotionalToLive