Crimes committed by me, a wimp, during the Purge

July 17, 2018

I am, of course, in this scenario, implying that I will not be murdered or robbed or otherwise harmed during the Purge

Untouchable as a moonbeam or Dwayne Johnson’s appeal

Anyway. I would commit these but no worse because, while I adamantly believe that certain aspects of our society are deeply unfair, my sexuality is composed entirely of following rules, so anything more than these minor transgressions would send me into a panic spiral.

Mild crimes I would commit during the Purge

  • Break into the Cincinnati Zoo and meet Fiona, the baby hippo
    • This is of course only if this would not cause Fiona any harm
    • I do not have to pet her, I would be quite happy with waving at her and taking a photograph and perhaps feeding her a vegetable or something
  • Deposit inaccurate checks in order to clear some debt
    • I do not understand how this process works if there is a financial crime
      • Like what if they say “your payment will post within 2 business days”
        • Like
        • That would still be fine, right, because you technically posted it on the day of the Purge
        • Or do you have to post the payment and ensure the deposit would land on the date of the Purge and that way it’s legal?
        • What if you post-dated a check to have the date of the Purge on it would that be okay
          • I am a goshdarn de-LIGHT when I go to movies with people and am not annoying at all what are you implying
  • Just like, clear out a Sephora
    • 3 samples? Not today, homie
      • Just swiping off the entire Drunk Elephant shelf into one of those little black baskets and walking out
        • Yeah I’m taking the basket too
        • We all VIB Rouge
          • VIB Purge
            • That sounded better in my head
  • Borrow a golf cart and ride it
    • I’ve never driven one and I want to
      • “But Christina, why wouldn’t you steal like a Lambo or a McLaren or literally any other thing with an engine”
        • That is too much responsibility for me and I will stick with my cart
          • Beep beep I’m playin’ through
  • Go into a museum and touch some of the things
    • Like I’m not gonna smash the glass on the Dead Sea Scrolls, I’m not a villain
      • But I’m def gonna pet a dinosaur leg bone and I’m gonna touch one of those suits of armor and I will happily pose in a diorama of saber-tooth tigers pretending that I am being hunted by them
        • Also pose with a woolly mammoth
          • No, I’m not going to knock them over, I just want a super fly looking profile pic
  • Get all the dog park regulars together to get some lamps and floodlights and have a dog party at one of the parks that closes at sunset
      • We are always kind of sad that we have to go home and the doggies are like “no but…still ground? So still play?” and we have to explain the passage of time to them which is just an enormous downer
      • You may think that no one would clean up after their dog at this pup rager, but you would be wrong
        • Instead of mildly pointing out that your dog has pooped, these owners will escalate immediately into a fistfight
          • Dog park people can be scary and I would go to them if I needed protection
  • Scan and upload as many textbooks as possible 
    • GO KIDS
      • DOWNLOAD
  • Frolic in one of those fountains that says “don’t jump into the fountain”
    • I will leave any change thrown in there, of course
      • That money supports our parks, or something
        • I’m not a monster
  • Costco
    • Everything is a sample during the Purge
      • That OLED TV? I would like to sample it plz
      • Sampling the jewelry too
      • Gonna try a sample of that fancy electric toothbrush by putting it in my cart and walking out
  • Seize the means of production
    • wait what
  • Blast every stadium rock song loudly in defiance of any and all noise restrictions
    • Be your own Jukebox Hero
      • And this isn’t in an attempt to make people like the ridiculous music I like, because that clearly isn’t going to work
      • No, this is for me
          • ALL-CAPS VOLUME
            • AND I WANT
              • AND I NEED
                • IT’S THE PURGE
                  • ANIMAL
  • Take a bite of froyo from my cup before I pay 
    • Like, I’m good for at least ten dollars on this stuff because I have no sense of proportion and I like cookie dough, let me have a goddamn mouthful
    • No, you know what?
      • I will straight-up eat one of those pieces of cookie dough that always adds a cool dollar to my total because they are made of plutonium or something
      • You betta watch me or you gonna miss some serious crimes, yo
  • Make everyone deeply uncomfortable by openly and repeatedly discussing any and all illnesses and past trauma with loved ones, acquaintances, and strangers, thereby utilizing the Purge to its full intended purpose, i.e., a release of pent-up frustration and aggression caused by a sense of futility in the fight against the darkness

Why are you looking at me like that

Fitness, Nerding

The Men’s World Cup of Kicky Ball Round of 16: a Goober’s Guide

June 29, 2018

(This post is a happy post in a time of sadness, yes.  I have about a dozen drafts of angrysad, but I wanted to put up at least something that isn’t awful? Rage against the dying of the light? Anyway.)

AWWWW YEAH, SOCCER.  OR FOOTBALL. OR KICKY BALL.  I’m sticking with kicky ball.  It’s like “shooty hoops” but my friend Steve came up with it and I’m so pleased.  But, anyway, would you like to watch some soccer?  Would you like to be a citizen of the world? Would you like to wake up at 7 AM on weekends?  COME JOIN ME.

This is a great time to jump in – no games today, and the knockout round starts tomorrow!

I’m obviously a bit late for this post, so forgive me for writing this now, but boyyyyy howdy do I love me some World Cup soccer.  So if you have nothing personally invested in the winner but like to watch people with incredible thighs run around and hit things with their heads, here is your introduction.  I am not fact-checking. Deal with it.  (okay I am but most of this is my feelings so FACT CHECK YOUR FACE)

We started out with 32 teams divided into 8 groups of 4, and the top two from each of those groups (stay with me) moves on to the round of 16, which is now.  Therefore, if you want to tune in, now is a good time!  Every game is a knockout game, and NO TIES ARE ALLOWED.  THEY PLAY TO THE DEATH AND/OR THE BEST OF 5 PENALTY KICKS, UNLESS THEY BOTH MAKE THE SAME NUMBER, AND THEN IT’S A LITTLE MORE COMPLICA- you know what? They play to the death.  That’s it.  Till they’re deadsies.  That’s the rule.


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Nerding, Personal

A definitive ranking of household chores

May 29, 2018

Once again, I don’t make the rules, I just report them

All complaints can be directed to our complaint department which is an incinerator jaykay all your opinions are valuable and I’m happy to hear them

This list is inspired by our cleaning of most of our house a week ago Sunday and waking up the next morning in lots of pain, and it was further inspired by my being just a general brat with opinions

This ranking is out of ten as always but more means it sucks more because there is no such thing as a 10/10 household chore unless tweeting and petting my dog while she eats peanut butter out of a bone counts as a household chore which I’m guessing it doesn’t Continue Reading…


Meathead Mondays: Joe Manganiello

April 30, 2018

Awwww yes we back we back.  I’m… I’m assuming you missed this?  Anyway.

Andrew and I went to see Rampage the week of its release, because I am a Dwayne Johnson fangirl and would watch him raise alternating eyebrows for 110 minutes, and it was fun!  Like a solid B, B+ monster movie with exceptional-looking monster CGI and it was worth the ticket price.  Obviously, my perfect bald bb (WHO NOW HAS ANOTHER LITTLE BABY EEEE) was wonderful in it, but this week, I am not here to talk about him.  I am here to talk about another gentleman in Rampage, and that is Mr. Joseph Manganiello.

This guy.  This GUY.  He looks like if you could wish a romance cover into life and then took you on a hike.  His role in Rampage is uh, not significantly longer than what was in the trailer.  He’s alive and on-screen for like ten total minutes and he’s just deliciously rugged and absurd and I don’t even know why he took this role but it is great!!!  He fights a huge wolf! I hope it is a smug reference to his werewolf role on True Blood! Because this guy has a goddamn fine arts degree from goddamn Carnegie Mellon with Shakespeare theater training and he was like “yeah sure I’ll carry a gun in the woods for 8 minutes and fight a wolf.” Let me continue to explain why I love him so much. Continue Reading…


Meathead Mondays: Channing Tatum

March 19, 2018

CHANNING. Chan. Chan-chan. C-Tates. Whatever you call him, he is a delightful bit of abdominal muscles and jamz, and I will genuinely defend his talent and goodness to the stars.

He is sometimes (very frustratingly) compared to ***intellectual*** stars as this doofus with a dopey face, and there are women out there who are like “ugh, no, I couldn’t date Channing, his neck is so thick, give me someone like [current popular actor from the United Kingdom].”  And this is absolutely not meant to denigrate any of those British actors, but… really?  His neck is too thick?  That’s what’s stopping you?  You’re ignoring his dance moves, his ability to laugh at himself, his comedy chops, his kindness, his dedication to his daughter, and his 400 abdominal muscles, because his neck is too thick.  You def had a chance, anyway.  I’m Not Here For pretending like my guy is dumb because he hasn’t played an aging literature professor who’s found himself attracted to one of his female students.  He is sunshine and you will back off.


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Highlights and lowlights of dog ownership

March 5, 2018

Not a Meathead Monday post, but hopefully the pupdate will make up for it.  Donate button is to ya right and will be used for peanut butter for Bailey.

The Majestic Bailey has now been a part of our household for 6 months, and not to brag, but she is absolutely killing it as a dog.  Just top-notch dog behavior.  She is the cutest thing in the entire world and has gotten a little bit bigger and she needs to be able to go to the dog park like, yesterday.  Seriously, please wish for warmer weather because she misses her friends and needs to drag race them.  She has made a friend named Lola at our complex’s small dog park and they run around so good, which helps a lot, but I want to take her where there are like 30 dogs.

We have lucked out enormously with her behavior- and difficulty-wise, and while I love all dogs, I am very thankful that she is 85% chill.  She doesn’t bark (she has barked maybe 20 times in 6 months and it has nearly always been because we were sassing her); she is chill with all other dogs and all other people; she came to us housebroken and had one accident her first week and that was on us because we were like “you just went out you don’t have to go again” SPOILER ALERT she DID have to go again; she is a very good eater and isn’t picky; she is crate-trained, and while we do our best to have her out of there as much as possible she goes in without protest; she is Supremely Unbothered by literally everything.  She is…not small, so it is like, a lotta dog in our not-huge house, and she can get mouthy sometimes, but she’s just a very good girl who gets excited.

life is so hard when u r adorable


There are certain highlights and lowlights of doggie ownership that are somewhat universal.

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Meathead Mondays: Keanu Reeves

February 19, 2018

Keanuuuuuu.  You may have seen this chill af time vampire in his Superbowl ad for Squarespace, standing on top of an actual motorcycle going actually 45 mph down an actual highway because he’s a dedicated bananas person.  You may have seen him in the Sad Keanu meme, which is a portion of his Wikipedia page.  You may have seen him in your friend’s Neo costume for Halloween (as an aside, unless the theme is Keanu Reeves Roles please don’t actually do this).  You may be on board with the theory that he is immortal and is a vampire and/or French actor and doctor Paul Mounet who supposedly died in 1922.  (I’m on board, both because 1. look at him 2. may he reign forever) He is a kind, friendly, earnest weirdo who soars best when he gets to hit people and not talk, and I. LOVE. HIM.  Not ironically, not just in The Matrix, not just as a joke.


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Skincare and makeup done by a sad woman

January 30, 2018

I did a face mask post a little while back on a request, and while this is not on a request, I wanted to write it, so I am writing it.  wow much story so detail what is wrong with me donate button over there for contributing to my face

I am, uh… not great when it comes to traditionally feminine things.  I’m significantly more comfortable in pants, my hair styling can be described as “I wash it,” and bright colors terrify me.  For a while, I was also grossly convinced that my lack of interest in “girly” stuff made me somehow superior.  That is, thank God, no longer the truth, but I kind of swung back in the other direction too hard, and had NO idea how to do any makeup and was too scared to try, even though I wanted to, and this was true through like, most of law school? And several years ago?  I maybe would put on some powder with a crappy brush I got at CVS 6 years ago and had never washed and OOOOH BREAK OUT THE BIG GUNS with mascara. My makeup style could be described as *John Mulaney voice* “you know when you’re 12 and you’re like ‘no one look at me or I’ll kill myself!'”

Enter Sephora.  I re-purchased some non-matched, non-tested powder foundation and got samples and earned a reward or something and was like “oooh this is kinda nice I see why people do it” and I tried, y’all, I really did.  I figured out a primer that works for me and that I still use, and I bought a perfume, and that was apparently enough effort for like another 3 years.

Then I started working, as a lawyer, and was like “oh no they’re all put together” about other female lawyers, and this was the final push for me to at least look like I tried to do something about my appearance.  Is it annoying? Yep!  Is it kinda bullshit that I’ve seen older male attorneys stroll up unshaven with a messy tie and sneakers on and no one cares but if I don’t do a winged eyeliner I’m the one who looks like a slob? Yep!  Do I do a winged eyeliner? Nope! I am still scared of that!

While part of me resents having to care about my appearance to Make It in the Professional World, a larger part of me is shrugging and/or kind of interested in how makeup can do stuff to your face.  I’m still very much into the “natural looking” makeup style (see above: don’t look at me) but I don’t hate my routine, I feel more confident with it, and there is a somewhat indulgent soothing aspect to the ritual of putting on your stuff in the morning. Me Time.  I also got a little bit into skin care stuff, and that’s been fun and even more indulgent because there’s no presentation aspect to the skin care stuff and I get to be in PJs for it.

ANYWAY, HERE’S MY STUFF Continue Reading…


Meathead Mondays: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

January 8, 2018

And here is my obligatory serious side note: I love The Rock.  He is wonderful.  I wish him all the best things.  However, I really, really do not want him to legitimately run for President of the United States.  Yes, if the choice were between our current like, really smart leader and Johnson I’d hella vote for Johnson, but to be fair I would vote for the house from the Disney Channel Original Movie Smart House over our current president because the house seemed more stable.  But otherwise?  Please can we please have a president with actual policy-making and experience?  I get the idea of the swamp, I do, but if my options are screen personality or swamp thing I AM TEAM SWAMP THING.

ilu Dwayne I’m sorry I think you’re great maybe run for mayor or something? like a little office? dip your toes in? ANYWAY

I have loved Mr. Johnson for a long time, since at least Fast Five, and I am so pleased with his success.  I recently saw Jumanji, and if you haven’t seen it go see it it is flippin’ hilarious.  And like, actually hilarious: I realize my taste in movies is crap but this was a genuine blast to watch.


I would never leave this out

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