Football penalties applied to my real-life actions

(This is written in honor of Rip van Super Bowl, where a record-setting punt was the most exciting thing to happen)

I need a set of people in striped shirts to just throw yellow napkins at me any time I’m messing up my own existence

Also I am hilarious, enjoy

  • Holding (defensive)
    • I’m keeping a shirt that doesn’t fit I haven’t worn in 2 years in my closet because “I might need a shirt like this sometime”
  • Holding (offensive)
    • Transporting stuff that never got unpacked after my last move in my new move as if I’m going to unpack it this time
      • And then leaving it on a high shelf or a garage
        • I couldn’t possibly throw out that notebook how dare you insinuate that I should
  •  Illegal use of hands to the face
    • I’m digging at a pimple on my chin
  • Face mask
    • I’m using a face mask as self-care while ignoring every other physical need my body has
  • Pass interference
    • Pick up your phone while it is ringing
      • No, now, not later
        • Listen to the goddamn voicemail oh my God
  • Chop block
    • When I decide to go for a run after taking like a month off and decide to do like 3 miles at once for no reason other than “let’s see what happens”
      • I am in serious pain, that’s what happens
        • Ya doofus
  • Clipping
    • Don’t eat yet another refined carb you absolute menace
      • It is 10:37 PM you do not need a Pop-Tart
  • Roy Williams tackle
    • When instead of walking the extra like, 8 feet to the trashcan, I decide to hang on to whatever tissue or refuse I have, and just hold it in my hand like a goddamn weirdo, or leave it on the table or floor, creating more work for myself later
  • Roughing the passer
    • When I have no idea how to accept a compliment so I aggressively insinuate that the person who delivered the compliment is a lying liar
  • Roughing the kicker
    • When I refuse to accept a gift
  • Too many men on the field
    • This one is called any time I jump to conclusions about a friend’s boyfriend and immediately tell them to dump him
      • I am bad at giving relationship advice that isn’t DUMP HIM, DUMP HIM YESTERDAY
  • Offside
    • I’m disclosing my mental health history and past trauma wayyyyy too fast for the length of the acquaintance
  • False start
    • When I buy yet another journal or notebook with the intention of *~*starting fresh*~* and I never ever write in it
      • This one is a 10-yard penalty
        • 5 yards is when I read yet another article about bullet journaling like it is going to alter my behavior in some way
  • Delay of game
    • Get out of bed
      • Now
        • Stop scrolling Twitter you maniac
          • No it doesn’t matter that you’re reading the news, get up
            • 10-yard penalty
              • 15-yard penalty
                • 15 lightyear penalty STOP BEING THE WAY YOU ARE
  • Calling excess timeouts
    • When I don’t even cancel plans, I refuse to make them in the first place
  • Personal foul
    • Ooooh this one has several
      • Any time I see a group of teens laughing about something and I assume they are mocking me
      • When a baby boomer says something about working their way through college and instead of ignoring it I end up with a throbbing neck vein of stress
      • Anyone ever says anything bad about my dog ever
        • this hasn’t happened but I cannot imagine my reaction would be reasonable or appropriate
  • Unsportsmanlike conduct
    • My replying to a text message with “so sorry! just saw this!” when I definitely saw it in a notification, read it, and then put my phone away