Crimes committed by me, a wimp, during the Purge

I am, of course, in this scenario, implying that I will not be murdered or robbed or otherwise harmed during the Purge

Untouchable as a moonbeam or Dwayne Johnson’s appeal

Anyway. I would commit these but no worse because, while I adamantly believe that certain aspects of our society are deeply unfair, my sexuality is composed entirely of following rules, so anything more than these minor transgressions would send me into a panic spiral.

Mild crimes I would commit during the Purge

  • Break into the Cincinnati Zoo and meet Fiona, the baby hippo
    • This is of course only if this would not cause Fiona any harm
    • I do not have to pet her, I would be quite happy with waving at her and taking a photograph and perhaps feeding her a vegetable or something
  • Deposit inaccurate checks in order to clear some debt
    • I do not understand how this process works if there is a financial crime
      • Like what if they say “your payment will post within 2 business days”
        • Like
        • That would still be fine, right, because you technically posted it on the day of the Purge
        • Or do you have to post the payment and ensure the deposit would land on the date of the Purge and that way it’s legal?
        • What if you post-dated a check to have the date of the Purge on it would that be okay
          • I am a goshdarn de-LIGHT when I go to movies with people and am not annoying at all what are you implying
  • Just like, clear out a Sephora
    • 3 samples? Not today, homie
      • Just swiping off the entire Drunk Elephant shelf into one of those little black baskets and walking out
        • Yeah I’m taking the basket too
        • We all VIB Rouge
          • VIB Purge
            • That sounded better in my head
  • Borrow a golf cart and ride it
    • I’ve never driven one and I want to
      • “But Christina, why wouldn’t you steal like a Lambo or a McLaren or literally any other thing with an engine”
        • That is too much responsibility for me and I will stick with my cart
          • Beep beep I’m playin’ through
  • Go into a museum and touch some of the things
    • Like I’m not gonna smash the glass on the Dead Sea Scrolls, I’m not a villain
      • But I’m def gonna pet a dinosaur leg bone and I’m gonna touch one of those suits of armor and I will happily pose in a diorama of saber-tooth tigers pretending that I am being hunted by them
        • Also pose with a woolly mammoth
          • No, I’m not going to knock them over, I just want a super fly looking profile pic
  • Get all the dog park regulars together to get some lamps and floodlights and have a dog party at one of the parks that closes at sunset
    • CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP  PUP RAGER
      • We are always kind of sad that we have to go home and the doggies are like “no but…still ground? So still play?” and we have to explain the passage of time to them which is just an enormous downer
      • You may think that no one would clean up after their dog at this pup rager, but you would be wrong
        • Instead of mildly pointing out that your dog has pooped, these owners will escalate immediately into a fistfight
          • Dog park people can be scary and I would go to them if I needed protection
  • Scan and upload as many textbooks as possible 
    • GO KIDS
      • DOWNLOAD
        • I DON’T CARE IF YOUR MAJOR IS STILL “UNDECIDED” DOWNLOAD THE ENTIRE DAMN BOOKSTORE
        • YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT PAYING FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A BOOK THAT HAS A DIFFERENT COVER THAN THE PREVIOUS EDITION AND THAT IS IT
  • Frolic in one of those fountains that says “don’t jump into the fountain”
    • I will leave any change thrown in there, of course
      • That money supports our parks, or something
        • I’m not a monster
  • Costco
    • Everything is a sample during the Purge
      • That OLED TV? I would like to sample it plz
      • Sampling the jewelry too
      • Gonna try a sample of that fancy electric toothbrush by putting it in my cart and walking out
  • Seize the means of production
    • wait what
  • Blast every stadium rock song loudly in defiance of any and all noise restrictions
    • Be your own Jukebox Hero
      • And this isn’t in an attempt to make people like the ridiculous music I like, because that clearly isn’t going to work
      • No, this is for me
        • I am going to ENJOY THESE SONGS at the VOLUME THEY WERE MEANT TO BE ENJOYED AT
          • ALL-CAPS VOLUME
            • AND I WANT
              • AND I NEED
                • IT’S THE PURGE
                  • ANIMAL
  • Take a bite of froyo from my cup before I pay 
    • Like, I’m good for at least ten dollars on this stuff because I have no sense of proportion and I like cookie dough, let me have a goddamn mouthful
    • No, you know what?
      • I will straight-up eat one of those pieces of cookie dough that always adds a cool dollar to my total because they are made of plutonium or something
      • You betta watch me or you gonna miss some serious crimes, yo
  • Make everyone deeply uncomfortable by openly and repeatedly discussing any and all illnesses and past trauma with loved ones, acquaintances, and strangers, thereby utilizing the Purge to its full intended purpose, i.e., a release of pent-up frustration and aggression caused by a sense of futility in the fight against the darkness

Why are you looking at me like that

1 thought on “Crimes committed by me, a wimp, during the Purge”

  1. Tweet from @OkigboXL
    “I just realized that in all of the purge movies, nobody every steals anything valuable. All crime is legal for 24 hours straight and all you people are interested in is killing one another?
    Bitch. The Apple store right across the street.”
    4:14 PM – December 11, 2018

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *