And here is my obligatory serious side note: I love The Rock. He is wonderful. I wish him all the best things. However, I really, really do not want him to legitimately run for President of the United States. Yes, if the choice were between our current like, really smart leader and Johnson I’d hella vote for Johnson, but to be fair I would vote for the house from the Disney Channel Original Movie Smart House over our current president because the house seemed more stable. But otherwise? Please can we please have a president with actual policy-making and experience? I get the idea of the swamp, I do, but if my options are screen personality or swamp thing I AM TEAM SWAMP THING.
ilu Dwayne I’m sorry I think you’re great maybe run for mayor or something? like a little office? dip your toes in? ANYWAY
I have loved Mr. Johnson for a long time, since at least Fast Five, and I am so pleased with his success. I recently saw Jumanji, and if you haven’t seen it go see it it is flippin’ hilarious. And like, actually hilarious: I realize my taste in movies is crap but this was a genuine blast to watch.
HERE WE GO
My unreasonably large bae was born in California to a Samoan mom and a multi-racial dad who identified as a Black Canadian. His maternal grandfather was a wrestler, and his maternal grandmother was a wrestling promoter. His dad was a wrestler. His father was a mechanic. His father was a mechanic. His brothers are mechanics. Three uncles on his mother’s side are mechanics. My guy is a wrestling legacy, is what I’m trying to say.
He was unreasonably large and older-looking even at a young age, and reportedly when he changed schools as a teenager, the students at his new school thought he was a narc. This is fair given his appearance, but unfair to The Rock, because he is not a snitch. I know this. I am sure of this to my bones.
Mr. The Rock went to college in Miami and played football there because of course he did he’s enormous and probably could tackle people with his smile but is too polite to do so because that would be unfair. He got injured a bunch in college, but did make it to the Canadian Football League… only to get cut two months into the season. I would like to have some words with the decision-maker.
You’ll know him from
Wrestling. Obviously. I didn’t, because I have a vague memory of not being allowed to watch wrestling, but everyone else in the entire world watched Dwayne and his eyebrow tear shit up for decades. I haven’t watched a second of wrestling but if you asked me in 6th grade “do you smell…” I could absolutely finish that sentence.
After a bit of a rough start the first few years in an attempt to capitalize on his family’s wrestling history, he morphed into The People’s Champion, and while I recognize the inherent silliness present in wrestling, this name is kind of no longer ironic? Like, he’s great? And wonderful to his fans?
He was like, bananas charismatic and clever and his thighs could crush a bowling ball so he was very well-loved and that eyebrow tho. Like, “the SmackDown” is from one of his catchphrases. And Andrew and I will still trade “it doesn’t *matter* what you think!” to each other, and yes, my anecdotal marriage evidence is demonstrative of The Rock’s everlasting popularity.
You’ll also know him from Moana, since he voiced Maui and sang “You’re Welcome” which has been stuck in my head since the movie came out, and let’s not pretend he did anything but absolutely kill it. It helped that his character was an enormous Polynesian tattooed demigod, so this movie didn’t even need to animate his character, tbh, but y’all, it was flawless, he was flawless, and if you didn’t love Moana I really don’t know what to say to you because you’ve clearly doubled down on being unhappy deliberately.
You should know him from
His movies. “Wait, but, I have taste!” you shriek, from your pit of elitism and sadness, or something. Don’t be that person. Don’t try to keep The Rock down. Don’t be paper.
I don’t have enough space to explain the entire Fast and Furious cast feud here, but when Johnson showed up for the fifth movie, he was a large part of the absolute riot that was Fast Five. He’s continued to absolutely kill it on the subsequent movies, up to and including the seventh installment, in which he drives an ambulance off of a bridge, emerges unscathed, is asked by Letty if he brought the cavalry, replies “woman, I *am* the cavalry,” picks up a minigun and takes down a helicopter. There’s also an 8th installment where he fights Jason Statham and does the haka with a girls’ soccer team. If you’re not sold, I’m sorry about your bad choices. Join me and change your heart of stone into a heart of Rock.
My guy has also been in a bunch of ridiculous choices, including Doom, which I cannot watch because the game scares me; and Tooth Fairy, which has both Stephen Merchant and Julie Andrews and is goofy as heck but is really fun and his teeth should have received special billing. He’s also got the second G.I. Joe movie under his belt, and Hercules, both of which I saw, neither of which I can remember plot details from, but tbh I feel vaguely warm and fuzzy when I recall watching them, because of Dwayne. I felt like he was watching over me.
His recent forays have been into a bit more comedy, including Central Intelligence and Baywatch, both of which I saw in theaters and were mediocre at best but he was so shiny and earnest and large in both of them and I just don’t even need a plot. He can just hit things and smile and be enormous.
And then there was Jumanji, which is genuinely freaking great, guys. He’s technically playing a teenage boy in an avatar that looks like Dwayne Johnson, and watching him commit 100% to being a teenage dork in Dr. Smolder Bravestone’s body is an absolute delight. Like the whole cast is great esp Jack Black but oh my God he’s so good this movie is so good go see it I guarantee you will be smiling it is SO GOOD.
Muscles at home
Dwayne was married to Dany Garcia for ten years and they had one daughter together, Simone, who is now 16. They split up amicably, still talk, raise their daughter really good and donated a million dollars to the football program at Dwayne’s college. His current partner is Lauren Hashian, and they have one daughter, Jasmine, and one on the way.
He is ridiculously cute about his ladies on all of his social media, and is like, so openly happy and proud to be a dad to daughters. Like there is zero “just like one of the boys” weirdness and also very very little, if any, “look at these fine ladies,” just a lot of OH MY GOD, THESE WOMEN IN MY LIFE RULE SO HARD. He’s also aggressively thankful to his family, especially his mom and grandma, and you’ll see them on red carpets and other promotional events because he is an enormous teddy bear of fast-twitch muscle fibers and caring loudly and my HEART, you guys, my HEART
Why he deserves a spot on this list
He is a try-hard, and I mean that in the best possible way. He is the exact opposite of an aloof **artiste** and it makes him so endearing that I think about him and smile. He’s on social media all the time to promote the stuff he’s in, but nearly all of those posts are like “and thanks to our director, producer, writer, makeup artist, best boy, someone who came on set and delivered sandwiches, etc” He’s so vocally grateful for his own success, and he’s so thankful that part of me almost wants to tell him that he’s rich and famous now and doesn’t have to do it but PLEASE NEVER STOP YOU BEAUTIFUL SLAB OF HARDENED CARAMEL AND WHITESTRIPS
His Twitter feed is retweets and quote tweets of people who liked his movies, like, ordinary people with 450 followers who are like “loved it man!!!! laffing so hard Dwayne u was hilarious!!!” and he’ll be like “glad you liked it!” and just ARE YOU *KIDDING* me. His Instagram is for his inspirational videos, where he talks about getting cut from the CFL and how he struggled with depression and how it hasn’t been easy but look at the sun and let’s get up and do work and I’m legit tearing up as I write this, oh my God.
He does charitable work all the time, he donates stuff all the time, he promotes the hell out of not only his movies but his friends’ movies, his Under Armour collection sold out of its first run of bags in like 8 seconds, and I really want a shirt with his arm tattoo bull on it. He tells people to be the hardest worker in the room. Am I the hardest worker in the gym? No, but now I want to be, because Dwayne Johnson believes in me.
He’s a goofball who was on the very first episode of Lip Sync Battle and he sang Shake it Off by, as he said, “Tay-Tay.” He dressed up like a huge Pikachu for his daughter Jasmine because she loves Pikachu. He hosted SNL and gave like, a thousand percent to every sketch and was pretty damn good at them. He is here to have a good time, but more importantly, he’s here to make sure *you* have a good time.
I don’t think he’s ever going to be winning Oscars for his nuanced portrayal of an aging literature professor who must come to grips with his own mortality when he’s forced to take on the care of his ailing father, but holy God I don’t want to watch that movie. I want to watch Dwayne Johnson wear a thigh holster and tac gear and tear down a brick wall with his teeth in the next 80 Fast and Furious movies. I want to watch him retweet all of the people who dressed up like him in that fanny pack picture for Halloween. (He did this and it was perfect). I want him to give props on Instagram to the woman who did his Jumanji workout to see what it was like. I want to see him make a jillion dollars and give tons of it away and sign autographs and smile in fans’ selfies and keep growing that gray beard because I like it. Let him keep trying this hard. The world needs more people who are earnest and grateful and kind and 6’5″, 260 lbs.
Dwayne, I love you, I love your smile, I love your big shiny enormous head, and please never ever change. Also please come to my house and help me get quads like yours I LOVE YOU AND I’VE GOT ANOTHER REP IN ME, YOU’RE RIGHT