Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire, Nerding

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4: “The Spoils of War”

August 10, 2017

Super sorry for the delay – life and lawyering happened like, a LOT this week, and it wasn’t even fun lawyering, it was “why am I not allowed to put grown adults in a time out” kinda lawyering.  Plus I had the Gummi Bears theme song stuck in my head while waiting for court appearances yes hi please trust me with your legal matter BOUNCING HERE AND THERE AND EVERYWHERE

I’m sorry if you only like reading these when I get angry, because even though I will still have some anger for this episode, this review is gonna be mostly positive – I really liked this dang episode.  This was the director’s first swing at this show and he frankly hit a home run.  I’m just v v pleased, y’all – this show can do a heck of a battle scene and when it’s good it’s just really quite good.  This entire episode felt very *not* George R. R. Martin’s writing (the dialogue and some of the plotting felt almost too clear and straightforward) but it felt pretty true to the characterization, and as much as we like to see plot happen to our characters on this show, this series *is* character-driven.  Just, thumbs-up, you stupid jerk show, ya done good, kid.

Also no Euron lol

I’m trying to break this up by scenes this time and we’ll see how it goes idk idk

Forever and always donation button over there Iron Bank-in’ it


Okay yeah the show has determined that it takes like 8 seconds to get from the OG HG (that’s the original Highgarden, if you were wondering! …I will shut up now) to King’s Landing

Once again, this show is spending an unnecessary amount of time (read: any time) on Bronn, who apparently can clone himself and win battles singlehandedly? Jerome Flynn is a party, objectively, and his cackling over Dickon’s name was a blast, but bro – you’re gesturing towards *Highgarden* as a reward???  Did you personally kill everyone and collect the gold yourself? I just…what? And the last time you tried to help Jaime his daughter ended up dead so mayyyyybe don’t push it?  I’m just

Why is Bronn

Just go be married to Lollys and stop mattering

This wasn’t even that important of a scene but it bugged me a large amount

House Me: We Do Not Chill

Also this is, I guess, a book spoiler, but the Iron Bank in the books basically is known for lending money to kingdoms and if the kingdoms are like “yo I’ll get you the money on Friday when I get paid” they will straight-up find another monarch, support their rebellion, and make new head honcho pay up.  Has that gotten discussed in the show, or nah?  Like obvs it won’t work to translate plots from the books to the show here (the Bank is on Team Stannis the Mannis, and … no, actually, I’m gonna stop here, because I’m wondering if something might change) but like, how does Show Iron Bank enforce things?  I’m assuming it’s not just Mark Gatiss opening his eyes super wide until people are so uncomfortable that they pay up but I mean maybe

And yes, I realize the gold made it into King’s Landing, but I just wanna know if the Bank is a power here or not please I have needs

Winterfell, part 1

I could live a thousand lives without hearing “chaos isn’t a pit, chaos is a ladder” and it would not be long enough – this masturbatory self-important low-average pseudo-intellectual line needs to die, B&W.  You’re not as clever as you think you are and I really, truly need it to go away.  Please. PLEASE.

The one tiny moment of good that has come from this stupid, stupid line is watching Bran scare the gray sideburns off of Baelish when he says “chaos is a ladder” and all you hear is  “I *SEEN* YOU.”  Spoiler, maybe, thing at the end, for this.

We Are All Meera Reed in this episode.

MEERA: so, um, I’m going home, after several seasons of literally saving your ungrateful ass

BRAN: cool beans have a safe trip

MEERA: *looks into the camera like Jim on the Office*

This scene highlighted the problems I’m having with Bran’s transformation.  We get you’re special now, but why are you acting like the great-auntie who has dirt on everyone and shows up to all the parties but never has any fun and complains about the food the whole time and mocks the outfit of the person who drove her to the party?  Like, bud.  Stop.  Sam from Love Actually did not die so you could be a dick to everyone.

Arya’s return to Winterfell was shot very much like her attempt to get back into the palace at the end of season 1, and yo, Matt Shakman, I do not watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia but is that show as gorgeous as you directed this one because BUDDY. YOU DID SO GOOD.  I really enjoyed watching Arya be annoying to taller people and then sneak in and guys this reunion was just quite good.  You’re not going to see the two of them say just how much they missed each other, and it won’t even quite be like Sansa and Jon’s reunion – Sansa has had some time to stabilize and heal, and Arya is a tiny intense murderpuppy as always but with way fewer emotions, and they do the hug and the talk about Ned and then another hug and *HEART EYES* just braid each other’s hair and talk about all the bad people you will kill.  Sansa’s looking more and more like a more stable Catelyn, and Arya’s looking more and more like a less scrupulous Ned, and ugh, my heart, you guys, my HEART.

Commercial break, we’ll return later


Awww my bbs Missandei and Dany talkin’ ’bout boyz uuughh you cuties when this is all over I hope you get to put on face masks and eat a whole bag of Twizzlers while watching Never Been Kissed

Jon absolutely drew those things in chalk like 20 minutes before she got there

I get it, bud, you do what it takes

While I did enjoy the bit of history here, and apologies for this paragraph probably being just annoying, detailed bookwank, but this felt…off.  Like, this would be if two grown (American) adults were in an art museum in front of a painting of George Washington and one adult decides to explain how he was our first president and the general of the States’ forces during the Revolutionary War.  This is *John Watson voice* primary school stuff, and Dany should know it, I think!  She knows like 8 languages, she doesn’t know the history of the Children and the First Men and the Long Night?  …what?  Like holy God this scene was gorgeous with the darkness and light and the two of them and some Westerosi history and it gave us hella cave jokes but it just doesn’t make sense.

I also lol’ed at Dany, she of the 14 titles, saying “isn’t their survival more important than your pride” Dragon Pot Meets Ice Kettle

Checked up on this later and it’s veeeeery close to what Jon said to Mance about the wildlings and just – good job, show

We then of course have B&W at the end of the show talking about their sexual tension and in full disclosure my husband, out loud, was like “huh?” and while this sounds like a thing I made up IT IS NOT and I am not the only one not buying their **~~**sexual tension**~~** SO THERE

Will torpedo tf out of the SS Jonerys

However, ugh, these two, if they can get along – they are both, I think, trying their best to be good to the people.  Dany has a pride issue that stems from being a wandering child of a deposed king, and Jon literally can only care about one thing at a time, but they both do genuinely care about what’s best for The People.  I am honestly not sure how this gets resolved, but it’s been really quite wonderful to see them interact.

I liked Varys’ outfit in this ep I think it was good to have a jacket that you can cozily tuck both hands into

Theon, landing on the beach: oh fuck okay play it cool


Theon: fuck, I fucked it


Yes okay this is within Dragonstone still so it only deserves this heading because I’m a doofus but boy howdy this exchange between Jon and Davos was everything I’ve ever wanted

We got to hear Jon say that Dany has a good heart, and then Davos saying “yeah, I’ve seen you staring at her good heart” I LOL’ED

And then



Jon: how many men do we have in the North to fight? 10,000? Less?

Davos: fewer






Oh my God my little Baratheon nerdheart grew two sizes that day I am SO FLIPPIN’ HAPPY THEY INCLUDED THIS

Something something should Dany be a good queen or a strong one should she murder people with fire IDEK BC STANNIS GRAMMAR JOKE

no no I know Dany’s decision to roast the heck outta some soldiers is v v important, and I know it’s important that she’s mad at Tyrion, and that it’s his people she’ll be roasting, but STANNIS. JOKE.


Daario has already lost the city


Winterfell, part 2

All the jokes about every Stark sibling leveling up except Sansa can shush, she’s great

I was thisclose to tearing up when Pod tells Brienne she did good and she says she did nothing and he calls her My Lady ughhhh these two my heart

Would absolutely watch a 10-part miniseries of “Brienne kicks Pod’s ass in training” it never ever gets old for me

Arya sparring with Brienne was a cool scene!  Initially I was slightly annoyed with the “who taught you to fight like that/no one” line because I thought it set up that pun too perfectly, but then I realized Arya asked Brienne the same question back in…season 4?  So it makes sense and now I like it.  Also was worried when they started fighting that they were going to make Arya somehow better than Brienne which just, no, Brienne is a knight and a lady (SHUSH, BRIENNE, YOU ARE) and is like 4 Aryas in size, but then she kicked her and it started to work, it really did.  Just, good work, kids – this was so gorgeously shot from all the different angles and showcased their two fighting styles and Brienne is proud and a little uncomfortable and Pod is a *lot* uncomfortable and the Stark kids are like “yessss with the dagger”

We then of course pan to Littlefinger, whose face always looks like he’s debating between fighting his unexpected boner or encouraging it, and realizing “shit the murderpuppy has a knife and she really doesn’t like me” but my guess is he will refuse to leave or do anything that makes sense because his characterization has been shot to pieces already

Pelennor Fields

Just kidding but kinda not

Okay why on earth was Highgarden Dickon Tarly’s first battle?  I had someone question me on this on Twitter and now I’m annoyed so here are all mah feelings

  • Randyll Tarly has been in quite a few battles since the start of this series
    • Blackwater, the mess after Renly’s death, the battle near Duskendale, etc.
      • And yep in the books Dickon is like 13 or so, so maybe no battles, but show homie is like 35 why the hell would he not have fought at this point, esp since Randyll is like “NEVER TALK TO ME OR MY BATTLE-HARDENED SON AGAIN”
        • Also Tarly was on the Targ side in Robert’s Rebellion which like, bud, your son is super old, would he not have even been there?
          • Just
            • I’m 1000% done with bros on Twitter being like “no actually this is what happened” and then I’m like “um, no, I disagree” and I never hear from them again
              • Is this relevant? nah
                • Am I continually annoyed by nerdbros well actually’ing me? yep

Anyway Bronn gets to be like “I am disgusting and wise” and Dickon gets to be impressed and ugh, why, Bronn, you don’t matterrrrrr.  This show informed us back in season 1 through Robert Baratheon than men shit themselves when they die.  Calm down, this show is awful enough without someone smugly informing us that They’ve Seen Things.

Along that same set of frustration, I was screaming and typing furiously while Bronn the Bowman just magically gets good enough at ***tHe sCoRPiOn*** to hit a goddamn dragon.  This worked in the Hobbit, barely, because heroes need to succeed against all odds in Tolkien.  In Westeros, heroes get killed.  There is a 0% chance our unwashed, undeserving tertiary character is going to take down a DRAGON.  This is the frustration I have with the ongoing theme of this season that wants to give some power to Not the Dragons, but they are DRAGONS.  You have NOTHING but girl you tried it.

ANYWAY other than that annoyance holy God was this scene gorg.  Very very not sarcastic or joking despite my anger listed above, this was a VERY GOOD SCENE.

Chrys Reviews is bae

This show does battle scenes real good (Blackwater, Battle of the Bastards, even Hardhome in the season I didn’t finish was a solid ep) and this was like, above and beyond even my expectations.  Especially since most of the battlefield is on FIRE the whole time.  It was so frantic and awful and scary and I’m just watching the thing.  Bronn’s attempt to fight but also look out for himself was a bit heavy handed, but it worked really well in the scene.  I’ve watched a couple “how did they do that” things and I’m still kind of blown away at the fire and the craziness and the horses, even!  Like y’all shot a terrifying and gorgeous scene.  We also finally got to see the Dothraki fight (and yes, the depiction has not gotten any less racist) but we’ve been waiting 7 seasons to watch them fuck shit up and YOOO THEY STOOD UP ON THE HORSIES WITH THEIR BOWS AND OH MY GOSH IT WAS SO COOL.

Tyrion watching Jaime and just saying “you fucking idiot” was a really great moment, and my heart is kind of a mess, but this scene did remind me of how much I wished they had kept the Tysha dialogue at the end of season 4.  They are on opposing sides in the show, but personally are fine, and I think the scene would have had even more impact if they were NOT personally fine.  Ugh, Jaime.  Tyrion.  My hearttttt.

I’m 0% worried that Jaime is dead (I’m just not, I know he’s sinking to the bottom and stuff but I’m just not worried, and idk maybe next Sunday they’re doing one of the creepy funerals with the eye rocks and I’ll be wrong), but that entire last battle segment, I was just holding my breath and gripping the couch and just. GAH. GOOD JOB, SHOW.  WHEN YOU DO GOOD YOU DO REALLY GOOD.

Scroll down for a possibly spoiler-y thing about the dagger if you’d like and TUNE IN NEXT TIME
















So in the books, I read the original attempt on Bran’s life as absolutely a ploy by Baelish to start some shit (or rather to continue the starting of some shit with the whole Jon Arryn thing).  We’ve certainly watched other characters play around with this (Tyrion adamantly insisting that it is not his dagger, the discussion that Joffrey might have done this to try to impress King Robert, etc.) but I absolutely thought this was fer sher Baelish Baliesh-ing.  The show seems to have mostly forgotten about this dagger, and y’all, idk anymore, I’m just along for the ride, at this point.

The other thing I haven’t decided on is if Bran gave Arya the dagger, or if the three-eyed raven gave Arya the dagger.  And if one, or both, of them, did it so she’d kill Baelish.

****deepwood thoughts****

get it, like Deepwood Motte

I’m so sorry for who I am as a person




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