Heyyyy friends slightly less yelling this episode but still some yelling of course and I think this post is super long idk idk I’m sorry or not sorry? if you like reading it? ugh I’m a cesspool of fan emotion
This ep: absolutely delicious dialogue and cinematography and plot holes the size of Jupiter
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Dragonstone, part the first
If only Catelyn had loved Jon Snow, Daenerys would believe him about the ice zombies
Anyways this ep was mostly Dragonstone and variations so I’ma split it up
We start off with Jon and Tyrion greeting each other like divorced frat brothers at their 20th college reunion (“everything is hell and death is certain but I remember you fondly”) and we of course have a dragon swooping in on visitors which is unnecessary but a major power play and tbh I’d probably do it too
As always, listing Dany’s titles takes 8 years, and yooo don’t throw in “rightful” on any titles you just sound like a poser. Like if she had a twitter and had to put “RealDaenerys” as her handle. And Davos I love you so much, your *humble origins* are def getting played up a bit for fun but it can stay I love it
DJ: yo Iggy can you drop a freestyle on us
Davos: uh this is Jon Snow he’s King in the North
The meeting between Jon and Dany in general gets like an 8/10. It is shot gorgeously, just from the setup of the throne room to the focus on the changing distances between the two characters, to the dialogue, which contains my favorite line from the trailer (Davos’ “it doesn’t matter who’s skeleton sits on the Iron Throne”). Both characters are clearly arguing for what they care about with the level of intensity with which they care (HELLA HIGH), and you both care A LOT but your caring is just ZOOM over each others’ heads and GAH
One segment that I v much did not like was Jon doing his “so ICE ZOMBIES” thing and Dany replies with “here is a list of my qualifications and past trauma” for literally no reason. Benioff and Weiss explained in the aftershow that Jon thinks of her as this silly little rich girl and so she needs to explain what she’s been through, and I’m not buying that garbage. He thinks of her like literally everyone else who doesn’t believe him about the Others and wights and the Night King, and at this point that’s 99.9% of Westeros. So, he tries to convey (with the intensity of a single-issue voter) how goddamn important it is that ICE ZOMBIES ARE HERE and Dany basically goes “here are my suffering credentials” and it just felt so off, like she hadn’t listened to him and the audience missed a line or two or a hundred.
Also, B&W, she mentions her rape. Her relationship to Khal Drogo was absolutely rape. And if you’d like to use it as an impact line you should probably examine the rest of the plot and merchandising that has surrounded Dany and Drogo. She named a dragon after her husband, but she also named the dragon after her rapist, and you are completely unwilling to examine that as anything more than a “shit has happened to Dragon Lady and she is Tough and #FeministGoals and watch her pose in front of fire.” And HBO will go on selling Khal/Khaleesi matched merch and “my sun and stars” merch and loving Jason Momoa and not processing this shit at all. I really shouldn’t be surprised about this since this show has a refuse track record of handling sexual assault well and maybe I’m not surprised but I am pissed.
Anyway y’all knew I live on No-Chill Island back to the ep
I liked watching Melly and Varys chat, although I am as confused as Varys about what she was talking about and I feel like a shitty fan because I don’t know what she means about returning to die??? Idk go to Volantis and say hi to Talisa and get Varys to teach me how to make his faces
My absolute fave part of this first scene was Davos being like HE DIED AND CAME BA- and Jon looking at him like
Aftermath of the Greyjoy battle
Can we please get Theon a cat and a blanket and ten years of therapy and leave him alone
Cool, so, Dorne is done. I’m assuming they were like “if we kill everyone off we won’t have to fix their characterization” so that’s what they did. Ellaria would never do any of this, it was and is awful and dumb, and I’m still mad about their refusal to actually try with Dornish characters. That being said, Indira Varma was perfection in this scene, and absolutely made us recall her scream at Oberyn’s death, and oh God I didn’t even *like* the Sand Snakes and this still hurt. Also Lena Headey you absolutely perfect monster this was gorgeous. I could picture Cersei sitting up at night like “how can I make this the worst thing possible,” and after several days of thought and wine absolutely nailing the landing. **shivers**
Also I read a thing about how the way this was shot is a reference to how Aerys killed Rickard and Brandon Stark and *EXTRA SHIVERS*
Game of Thrones reminding Nikolaj of his nudity clause and reminding all of us that ugh these two people are v attractive
MYCROFTIN’ AS HECK WITH THE IRON BANK ugh yes Mark Gatiss I forgot how much I liked you in this little role as gold-plated slime yes good tiny moment of show
“Hey, she skipped Euron”
I did indeed, dear reader, just so I could come back to it and scream about him strolling down the street smoking Yara sippin’ on win and juice
Noooo ooooone’s cracked like Euron
Will get smacked like Euron
No one needs to take 80 steps back like Euron
He’s especially good at in-FUUUU-ri-aaaaa-ting
WHAT ARE THEY CHEERING FOR? Joseph and the Amazing Monochromatic Saltcoat up on his literal high horse getting smallfolk praise like he fucking got My Chemical Romance to record more music WHY, WHY IS THIS SCENE, WHAT DID YARA EVEN DO TO THEM, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE STARVING, NOT ATTENDING A MEET-AND-GREET WITH A GOTH UNWASHED KING JARETH FROM LABYRINTH WHO TOOK POSING LESSONS FROM THIS GIF AND ONLY ABSORBED THE DOUCHEBAG ASPECTS
Oh wow this sentient piece of seaweed gets an erection while dragging women through the streets while people cheer HOORAY LET’S SPEND MORE TIME ON HIS STUPID HAIR BAND ROADIE FACE AND WARDROBE
YOU TALK LIKE A FIVE-YEAR-OLD WHO JUST DISCOVERED THE WORD “PENIS” AND YOU’RE NOT INTERESTING
Then we transition into the throne room where Enron tells Jaime how much he appreciates the love of the people which definitely makes sense for a character who was banished and off the grid for a literal decade to talk about SURE AND JON LOVES GETTING PUT IN CHARGE OF THINGS AND STANNIS LOVES GRAMMAR ERRORS WHAT IS PLOT CONSISTENCY
And hooray hooray I’m so glad we got to hear Pirate Papa Roach (cut my House into pieces/I need to find a port) ask Jaime how to sex Cersei by 1. using the word ‘bum’ as if that were consistent with his refusal to give a fuck about our sensibilities and not sounding like Queen Elizabeth II talking to her doctor and 2. acting like the act he described was somehow radical? it’s 2017 no one is impressed
I’m annoyed that he has the ability to rattle Jaime at all – this is a man who pushed a child out of a window calmly in the show’s first episode, and despite the show actually doing his redemption arc well for 3.2 seasons, they have no idea what to do with him now. What I’d *like* him to do is cut off Euron’s head and use his stupid scruffy Civil War general facial hair to polish his armor, but I will continue to dream.
Is there something in the water up here that makes every dude turn into the worst part of your freshman year philosophy class
Littlefinger, inexplicably alive despite his character assassination and general awfulness (put this guy in a diner where a bunch of grandmothers are meeting and I swear you will have at least 4 calls to the police about ‘you told us if we see something to say something WE’RE SAYING SOMETHING’), is still oozing around with his weird vowels echoing in his mouth, telling Sansa how to run the place despite her actively running the place in front of his eyes and offering up “chaos isn’t a pit, chaos is a ladder” garbage stylized as advice. I don’t want to judge anyone who finds Petyr Baelish attractive, but I am judging anyone who finds Petyr Baelish attractive. Also can we stop giving him the pseudo-philosophical masturbatory lines please, PLEASE ugh why isn’t he dead yet.
I’m very much enjoying Sansa being a v v v good queen because 1. she is, she’s diplomatic as heck when she’s gotta be and forecful when she’s gotta be and 2. YES, THANK YOU, SOMEONE IS THINKING ABOUT FOOD FOR PEOPLE. She’s great I love her she’s GREAT.
Then we have Bran, who apparently rode a Galapagos tortoise from the Wall (can we please get some internal consistency as to how long it takes to get from a place to another place) and I missed the part where the Three-Eyed Raven is an asshole robot. No, seriously, like, I get that the change messes with him but to *this* degree? Like your sister who was 100% sure you were dead for years sees you super not dead and you refuse to hug her and tell her you can’t possibly explain what’s happened to you.
Sansa: I thought you were the Three-Eyed Raven
Bran: it’s difficult to explain
**me, obnoxiously in the background** There was a previous Three-Eyed Raven, now it’s Bran OH WOW LOOK EXPLAINED I’M A GENIUS
You’re not that special Branflakes. Like, yes, you are, in that you have this power and you know about Jon’s parentage but you’re not too good to explain it to the mortals, you ass.
Also where in greenseer training does it say “to prove your power remind your sister of her rape” like
Uggghhhh I’m so mad at this scene. Yes, I realize some people have said “but this may be the push she needs to kill Baelish” which, fair? It might be? But “let’s see how far we can push this character” is crappy plotting and crappy characterization for Bran and just crappiness. I get that some people liked this scene but *Eowyn voice* I AM NO SOME PEOPLE
Back to Dragonstone
*chef’s kissing sounds* the scene with Tyrion and Jon and then the scene with Tyrion and Dany and then the scene with Dany and Jon ahhhhh yessssss
This is why I’m here. Despite all the grossness, despite all the inconsistency, despite all the lines ever given to a Sand Snake, when this show gets a thing right they get it right.
Jon and Tyrion was just a gorgeous shot. Starting off the scene with Dinklage saying he came out here to brood but Kit looks better doing it? Just *unf* yes. I laughed, and as much as it sounded like Peter talking to Kit, it was also Tyrion talking to Jon. This was Jon at his intense best, and this was Tyrion at his politically savvy best. Jon is doing his best to restrain himself at the moment when his sincerest desire is to run screaming through the Seven Kingdoms about the Night King and you can see it in his face. I’m convinced that Tyrion believes him (Tyrion has now seen dragons, so lots can happen that hasn’t happened, and I think he trusts Jon), and he’d actually be happy to help him, but he is not about to be like “nah it’s cool my sister is known for her long game and rarely acts rashly so we just gotta watch her.”
And then he goes off and tells Dany to let him mine the dragonglass because who cares rite but actually probably thinking that it’s a good thing because zombies and it helps them get along??? Tyrion is sometimes a bit idealistic and not forceful enough but here, he can be idealistic and try to push an alliance here – his side has dragons, so he’s not in danger, and both of these characters have power and genuinely want to save people. And it was a liiiiittle bit out of place, but I very much liked Tyrion passing off his own wisdom as “a wise man once said” YES.
Dany and Jon’s second conversation was better scripted than the first, and I know it was lacking in subtlety to have them separated in the throne room that Aegon designed to intimidate people and then to have them meet on literally equal footing and chat about their brothers and MY HEART. These are two people who are, if not good, then certainly not bad, and I just would like to see them succeed against the Others a little and ahhhhh. I’m not shipping them, and I’m confused as hell about people stating that there was sexual tension, but I had to restrain myself from asking my husband “wait so you still like me” at our actual wedding so I’m perhaps not the right person for this.
This was a solid af 8 minutes or so of television and I am pleased.
Samwell Tarly you earnest doofus I love you and I love John Bradley. The Game of Thrones panel got asked who they wish the show hadn’t killed, and John answered “Robb Stark” and then said “also Jon Snow, just so we didn’t have to talk about it every 5 minutes for a year” I LOVE HIM.
Slughorn: how did you cure yourself
Jorah: *girl with clear skin voice* omg it’s just water, I swear lol
I also very much appreciated Slughorn being like “you could have been killed…or worse, EXPELLED” because this plot line is Harry Potter and I shall hear nothing against it.
Joraaaaah the Fedoooooooraaaaaa aw he lost his beautiful blue scarf but he’s still gonna go sing to Khaleesi and I don’t caaaaaaare
This was great, and then stupid, and then great again.
I very much appreciated the nod to the sewers: the relationship between Tyrion and Tywin has always been one of my favorite parts of this goshdarn series and any reference to “he made me do this job so I did it great and extra” was a nice little thing for me to enjoy. Spoiler??? thingy way at the bottom of this post.
This was a pretty nicely shot battle scene but hey can we stop giving spears to the fighting machines in hallways? They’re supposed to be the best soldiers in the world and I get anxiety attacks just thinking about the idea of punching someone but even I know hallways are not for spears. Grey Worm lived which is nice because I was positive they were gonna not let him and they still might not but Wormy is still here, my *man*
And then it got so stupid I was yelling and making EEE noises and tapping out violently on my phone and just, NO.
I get it, you want this to be an actual fight, as opposed to “lady with literally all the power takes out lady with like 3 dudes and no dragons,” but this is a level of plot-holery that SHALL NOT STAND. OKAY, IT WILL STAND, BECAUSE I HAVE ZERO INFLUENCE, BUT I WILL GO DOWN YELLING.
- Casterly Rock action was bad because
- We’re supposed to believe the Unsullied posted no lookouts and are super bad at ships which is garbage
- It took them a full episode to sail there, which was already stretching credulity, and then the Greyjoy ships, which started *farther away than Dany’s ships*, magically got there faster and tore it up OKAY SURE WHAT IS TIME AND DISTANCE AND SPEED WHAT ARE RULES *SHRIEKING*
- The Fast and the Frigates: Tokyo Drift just get to go wherever, whenever with no one ever spotting them STOP IT JUST STOP IT THEY’RE NOT A TRUMP CARD
- Highgarden was bad because
- It makes Tyrion look like a bad strategist which he’s not, he can’t be expected to fill in plot holes
- I’m not even a Tyrion stan and this was just awful, if there were a credible threat he’d have known and planned for it
- AGAIN, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO PLACES
- Jaime was in King’s Landing like 8 seconds ago and stop trying to distract me with his horse-riding pimp walk (is that a thing? idk they showrunners know how good he looked on that horse)
- Most importantly, the Tyrells have more men
- Like, exponentially more
- They said the Lannisters have 10,000 men which sureJan.gif their numbers are depleted and that seems like a stretch
- But the Tyrells had 70,000 men at the beginning of the War of Five Kings, and their numbers aren’t depleted
- “Wait, but Cersei blew up the Sept” yeah and took out like 200 dudes, max
- She doesn’t have the numbers, the Tyrells do, they *win*. This show prides itself on realism and not making anyone special and they are bending over backwards to give Cersei a shot and it’s annoying as HELL.
- Like, exponentially more
- It makes Tyrion look like a bad strategist which he’s not, he can’t be expected to fill in plot holes
And then this stupid show made me forget about a lot of this because the scene between Jaime and Olenna was…oh my God, oh my G G O O O D D D.
You almost made up for a gaping maw of a plothole through this dialogue. Listening to Jaime just hearing Olenna tell him that Cersei is poison was really great, and the way he treats her after surrender and explaining that she wanted her hanged off the castle walls but no and just the tiny motions of Nikolaj’s face when Diana Rigg tells him he loves a monster because he knows but also doesn’t know but also love but also ahhhhhh.
And the poisoning. Olenna. Diana Rigg, we are not worthy. I’m honestly not sure why she agreed to do this show, but my lady, thank you, from the bottom of my cynical heart, for being perfection. Every line of this scene was like getting an ice-cold glass of water dumped down your neck and immediately asking for more. “Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me” could single-handedly reverse global warming, my ICE-COLD QUEEN. JAIME’S FACE. OLENNA’S DIALOGUE AS SHE’S *DYING*. I could live a thousand lifetimes of good works and not deserve this scene or Diana Rigg in it. I am still mad about the plot issues, but I am at least 40% less mad because we got this scene out of it.
Okay FIN and spoiler-ish-y thing below
SPOILER FOR FAN THEORY
I’ve been seeing more and more on this theory that Tyrion is a Targ (Aerys raped Joanna) and I’m not entirely sold on it. I know the book points out his differences in appearance to his siblings, and I know that timewise it makes sense, and I know that he had a good dragon reaction when he met them, but ughhh it feels too predictable? And not in the way R+L=J was predictable, where it was just the simplest explanation that fit. It feels a little bit too easy to just make him a Targaryen and explain away Tywin’s hate that way. Tywin was perfectly capable of hating a dwarf son that was his. I’ll wait and see, but I don’t love this theory.
For the record I have Jon as Azor Ahai and Jaime as the Valonqar