Just a quick Daario update before we get to the meat of this update: Ed Skrein (the OG Daario and my personal fave because at least they gave him interesting hair) just accepted and then turned down a role in the Hellboy reboot because the character is not white. I’m not familiar with the series or the character, but I do want to link you to his response, which is just A++++. Some points knocked off for his not doing the research beforehand to know that the character has a Japanese heritage, but yo, my boy, you did so good. This is what we need. Ed, you were always my favorite Daario. Back to Thrones.
I didn’t hate this episode, mostly because I genuinely liked the scene in the dragon pit and several of the others, but this episode and this season are like, Vin Diesel-movie subtle. And I *like* Vin Diesel. I see his films. But if I go in expecting Pride and Prejudice and what I get is the Return of Xander Cage, I’m gonna be a bit miffed.
This entire episode was stupid decisions and ridiculous plotting with a dose of dragons and speed. The long shots were gorgeous, and there were small moments that I truly enjoyed, but oh my word was this a hot stupid mess. Also why doesn’t anyone wear hats??? It is cold, ear frostbite is no joke, and you lose a lot of heat through your head I JUST HAVE QUESTIONS, OKAY?
Ernest Shackleton and the Breakfast Club, part one
We do not deserve Tormund. Except maybe Brienne. I was so pleased with his scare-the-hetero teasing of Gendry (yes I know he’s talking about bears, it was still funny), and his beard has somehow gotten more magnificent, and I realize that I am completely arbitrary in my “this minor character matters to me” moments, but holy God do I love Tormund. I also appreciate him repping for the Wildlings, who we’ve kiiiiind of forgotten about, despite their being most at risk to lose everything. And as much as I am on the SS Jaimienne, since the show has decided to torch his redemption arc, Brienne needs someone good to her. And then he talks to Sandor about her and Sandor talks about her kinda like he loves her too because EVERYONE LOVES BRIENNE. SHE IS PERFECT AND SO IS GWEN I’m so sorry she’s not perfect but I do love her I’m okay, I’m okay.
I started shrieking when Jon was like “here have Longclaw” because WHAT. WHAT ON EARTH. Just because you both have daddy issues out the wazoo does not mean you hand over the VALYRIAN STEEL SWORD GIVEN TO YOU BY A DEAD MAN to his WORTHLESS SLAVING SON. 100% certain Jeor Mormont woulda pulled a “I am from the North and shall swing the sword” on Jorah and executed him, Jeor don’t play, and you’re just going to hand over the sword that Jeor gave to *you* specifically because his son sucks? Jon. Jonny. Jon-boy. You stop that right now. That is stupid do-gooding at a level that even Ned Stark from beyond the grave is like “that’s a little much.”
The one part I did kind of like was Beric talking to Jon. This wasn’t even necessarily because the two of them have some kind of deep bond, it was solely because I was low-key captivated watching the only two people (we’re not doing the Stoneheart thing, guys) who have been brought back talk to each other. They’re both varying degrees of dead, and they both, in some ways, seem to long for death (Beric more overtly, but Jon somewhat through his actions, in a Ned Stark way), and while I really thought this was going to be the setup for Beric’s actual death, this was a hell of a scene. What is Beric’s purpose, what’s Jon’s? What are Jon’s physical restrictions after being brought back (Beric is limping, and not well, and scarred, and gah, can Jon have kids, even if he wanted to?) I don’t even know if the writing was super solid for this scene, since no lines really stand out, but I’m glad this atrocious plot let these two talk to each other.
Have any of y’all seen the Paul Walker and dogs vehicle Eight Below? (Stay with me.) It features Paul Walker’s face and huskies and malamutes, so I don’t know why you wouldn’t have seen it, but there is a part of the film where the doggos are looking for meat on this gross dead whale, and they’re looking at this hole in the gross dead whale, and out of nowhere A MOTHERFUCKING SEAL POPS ITS ADORABLE VICIOUS HEAD OUT AND I SCREAMED and that’s basically what I did with Zombie Polar Bear. No thank you. Also if your character doesn’t have a name or any lines don’t go after The Undead Yogi or you will die horribly.
Also somewhere there is a climate change denier who is like “see? polar bears are fine, they can just be kinda dead”
Arya and Sansa: The First Trashpile
As much as I hate “I am just going outside and may be some time: The Plot” (please someone get my dorktastic reference), I hate this plot exponentially more. Hatred to the stars and back. Like…I might hate this plot more than I hate Daario. I KNOW. But I really don’t think I’m exaggerating. I’m so mad, you guys, just SO FLIPPIN’ MAD.
Of course, I realize that Arya and Sansa were never close. Of course, they have both Seen Some Shit since they last spoke. Of course, this was not going to be a giant happy reunion. But why can we not have them talk to each other, possibly hash this out in some way, write some difficult dialogue, and move forward? We’ve reduced them to two-dimensional caricatures of pettiness, and their lines are directly from the mouths of the most aggressive, unnecessary stans. Like we’re really gonna have Arya talking about how Sansa was just chilling in a pretty dress while they cut Ned’s head off? That’s really the issue here? And as much as I like Sansa, I really didn’t need her to say that Arya couldn’t have survived what she went through. 1. I disagree, although Arya would’ve handled it differently she would have lived, probs and 2. SHE WOULDN’T SAY THAT, IT’S SO PETTY. She sat through marriage to Ramsay but Arya throws the gentle shade of a thin leaf on a cloudy day and suddenly Sansa is like NUH UH, I’M *SO* TOUGHER. This debate has been raging on message boards for years and I’m not here for it and I’m not here for fanfiction discussing it. And then to put the discarded Big Gulp container on top of this trashpile of a plot, Sansa goes to Baelish for advice. I have some questions, like, have you ever met a human being before? She hates him, we all hate him, why does he sound like he has half of a hardboiled egg in his mouth that he’s not allowed to chew *shrieking for days*
lol she called Kit short which he is I love it ugh he’s so cute and you could carry him around in your pocket
This scene with Dany and Tyrion was like, 30% cool, 70% annoying. I did enjoy Tyrion sassing Dany about Jon looking at her intensely because he desires a strong military alliance, which – bro, that is actually a very Jon thing to do, he absolutely *would* stare at her for that. However, as much as this was a fun line, are we really going to sit here and be like “tee hee do u like me check yes or no” God I miss Barristan. I reeeeeally miss Barristan.
Additionally, I don’t think this was the right episode to bring up Dany’s legacy, nor do I think it would have been this much of a problem for Dany, but I’m glad we had this conversation. Who the heck is gonna be your successor, boo? Like I get that the dragons are your children buuuuuut we will never be roooooyals so who is next, bud. That’s the 30% I liked.
The 70% I didn’t was because Dany is being stupid, and not like, in-character stupid, which she is, sometimes, but just plain stupid. We’re really still wondering about Tyrion’s allegiance, really? “This is your family, are you just conspiring against me” boo he hates them and you literally called up a witch to heal Jason Momoa so don’t talk to me about doing dumb stuff for family you hate. And also how you gonna get mad at him for asking this? It’s a legitimate question, especially since you insist on flying your dragons everywhere all the time and could definitely die and for you to be like “we will discuss this after I sit the Iron Throne” DOES NO ONE ON THIS SHOW MAKE CONTINGENCY PLANS I HATE THIS.
Ernest Shackleton and the Breakfast Club, part 2
Oh look there’s like 20 of them, just walkin’, where we already know there’s like tens of thousands of them, how lucky and not at all portentous for us, let’s wrap this one up and go hom-OH SHIT
Was there a single viewer who didn’t call this? Like this was inherently the worst idea in the world and then it became even dumber because they fell into the most obvious trap in the world WHAT IS THIS STUPID, STUPID PLOT. Why is Gendry best at running? He’s literally never seen snow but yeah sure let’s send him back. And then Thoros dies because… okay yeah he was injured but did no one wanna check on his status overnight or??? Like that is a Rose Dewitt-Bukater move and I will not stand for it. And then Sandor just launches a rock??? at the zombies???? WHY???? Sandor is a shit but he’s not stupid but now he’s stupid??? No it’s fine definitely test your Now Starting for the Brewers with an ERA of like 5,000.82 is THE HOUND fuck this plot fuck that rock he threw fuck this lake fuck this stupid stupid plot.
Gendry “Mo Farah” Waters (that is a track and field joke, kids, go look this guy up, I’m trying to use a name of a runner who runs the appropriate distance, you been told) gets back to the Wall and Davos has just been like, drinking cocoa and waiting for this to blow up in their faces and then Gendry gasps out A RAVEN which is… super helpful and then they find a Westerosi peregrine falcon or some shit who is the true hero of this plot and goes above and beyond his avian duty to help out the dumbest bunch of doofuses this landmass has ever seen and gets to Dragonstone and is like CAW CAW, BITCH, GET YOUR MITTENS ON and Dany comes out wearing what is objectively a fly af winter coat that I adore and hops on Drogon who obviously won’t be the sacrificial lamb today (can people who watch the show name the other dragons? Like this isn’t a bookwank question, I just feel like they never mention the other two) and flies all three dragons (why? we couldn’t leave one at home??? No by all means let’s risk a medieval Battle of Midway for no goddamn strategic reason other than Jon’s abs) up to the Northern Water Tribe to fuck shit up and die.
Then the show goes and stresses me out by making it look like Tormund is gonna bite it and like how dare u???? and then Dany shows up on Snoop Droggy-Drog and fucks up all of Lake-town and AGAIN, WHY ARE WE HERE??? There was no reason for this plot to exist; it is terrible, awful, garbage plotting and we killed a dragon just because we could. Was the CGI a hell of a shot? Yes. Was there any nuance at *all* to any of this? None. Zero. Dem Boyz started off this season with “what if we killed a dragon?” and built everything around that *sUPeR rAdIcAL* idea. I haaaaaate this. GRRM, bless his heart, knows how to write a slow burn. If anything, he can get *too* into the weeds on some things (Meereen and working through the Riverlands come to mind…mostly Meereen) and as frustrated as we get with him, we *want* this stuff. No, maybe we don’t need 80 characters’ names and their bannermen but we want some time and thought put into the plot. Jon has no reason to be up there, his merry band of ragtag idiots shouldn’t be up there, no one should have supported him, and no dragons should be there. This is just bad writing, and I’m not saying that the Others could never kill a dragon – they might! That might be a thing that happens! But let’s get there in a way that makes some sense in-world. This is a series that has shone most when it is saying “what if plot armor disappeared and good and evil are hazier” and this season has mostly thrown that out and I’m UH-NOYED.
I was pretty mad on Twitter about the script and a dude who doesn’t follow me got mad about *my* getting mad about the script and legit quote-tweeted me and said “well why don’t you write one” and sometimes, the internet is just great
He also thought I was a dude because my AVI is Jon gosh darn do I love the internet
And then, of course, we have “what if Ashton Eaton were in Frozen” as a plot device, we lose a dragon (who later gets dragged out of the water with chains WHERE DID THE CHAINS COME FROM), Dany is like *Kate Winslet voice* “Jon… Jon, there’s a boat” and Jon is like nnnnnnaahhhhh and STAYS ON THE GROUND TO KEEP FIGHTING THESE GUYS WHY like yes Jon has a consistent self-sacrifice-boner but this is stupid even for him and then WHOOOOSH goes the rescue dragon and CLANG goes the plot armor onto Mr. Snow and he falls in the lake but like the Right Proper Lad he is he comes back out and then BENJEN IS THERE BECAUSE????
*Niall Horan voice*
Cold, Coldhaaaands /
Like plot droppin’ off the edge of nonsense /
No, no chaaaaance /
That I’m leavin’ here on that same horsie
You do not make Joseph Mawle keep that beard for 7 years to treat him like this, you do NOT
This was so badddddd uugggghhh like guys I have seen several Sharknado movies and there was less deus ex machina in them
Okay that is an outright lie BUT IT IS GETTING CLOSE
Whatever the opposite of Mayweather v. Macgregor is
No one wants to see this fight you manipulative uncreative douchebags
Sophie and especially Maisie acting the hell out of this scene with its trash lines
I really do appreciate the cast of this show for all the work they do – even the actors that I think are towards the bottom of the list (Emilia – I’m so sorry boo but I don’t always love what you do) still are like, well above-average, and I am rarely mad at them – they don’t get to edit their scripts.
A million pardons to my long-suffering husband during this scene, because I was just basically chanting “buuuuuullshit, buuuuullllshit” like a drunk Packers fan throughout this whole scene, and I lost it when I thought Arya was gonna stab Sansa. WHY. WOULD. THAT. HAPPEN. Arya, go find Jon. Help Sansa. Kill Littlefinger. Spar with Brienne some more. Hide Bran’s weed. Do literally ANYTHING THAT MAKES SENSE.
The SS Jonaerys
Again, tiny moment I liked: Kit saying he’s sorry to Dany
As much as the past 3 seasons have been a bit of a mess for Jon’s plotting, they’ve resulted in some really nice moments for Kit, who I maintain and have maintained is a genuinely great actor who is trying his damnedest to bring this character to life. And Emilia actually did quite great here as well, in terms of conveying what the writers wanted her to convey. They’re reading their lines correctly, and we’re feeling sad and uplifted and weirdly pro-incest because they’re doing a heck of a job, but this is not what the lines should be. Dany is really just super psyched that she knows what she’s up against, Others-wise? I ain’t buying it. This girl lost her shit in Qarth when her dragons went missing and I am 0% buying it that she wants in Jon’s 28-inch inseam pants bad enough to be like “no biggie, sometimes you gotta lose dragons to make dragons, ya feel?” I DO NOT FEEL. I’m also not super involved with this ship, mostly because I think Jon is still too dead inside (like both from Ygritte and from, y’know, the dying thing) to love anyone else, and I think Dany would see Jon as an appealing ally but not her sun and stars. I’m just not having it, but I’m fully aware that everyone else wants them to bang like real bad and I’m aware that I’m just grumpy and ready to hate things quickly.
And now on Sunday we’re on the last episode, and some garbage is gonna happen, including, I’m guessing, Euron, and I am V V GRUMPY. THE GRUMPIEST.
The only thing I am hoping for is a heartstrings-tugging Brienne and Jaime moment. Just give me this, show. You owe me.
Y’all this has been a rough week for me, so this recap is weaker than Daario’s innate appeal
I may be in dire straights but I still got jokes don’t you worry
I hella did not like this ep so this’ll just be me, whining briefly, and I’ll be back next week with something decent I promise, I PROMISE
Here there be Dragons
uuughhh this was just, bad
The one tiny good moment was allowing Tyrion to walk through the charred battlefield – that was a hell of a shot, and Dinklage, my dude, when you do a good moment you DO a GOOD MOMENT and this was a nice shot.
Bronn and his adamantium skeleton and Aqua-Man lung capacity dragging Jaime a mile underwater in full armor what the fucking fuck is that
Like I have rewatched Fast Five, in which the gang drags a safe through Brazil, and even I was like “okay this is kinda unrealistic”
First of all, we recast Dickon with Hopper who 1. wears 80 layers in all of his scenes despite being grade-A top sirloin made of pectorals and 2. gets killed off in 5 episodes so what was the *point*, y’all. Yes, I realize this is more about the previous actor being unavailable than anything else but what was the point in giving him or Randyll any dialogue. And since when is Randyll like, a Westeros birther? Daenerys Stormborn, Breaker of Chains, Holder of the Long-form Birth Certificate. Idk idk this was a characterization mess.
Dany and Tyrion are not much better. Dany all like “other monarchs may murder but I only murder if you don’t worship at my feet so I’m suuuuper different” and please let someone else on Twitter step to me about “well yeah they’re drawing parallels with Aerys” OH ARE THEY DO TELL. Just, try to be more subtle, if we’re going to decide to be all “ooooohhh is Dany gooooood or eeeevvilllll”.
For the record, I do not think Dany is good. She has the potential to be a not-terrible ruler, but she is not good, per se.
Gendry – the good kind of fan service
No, seriously, I’m totally fine with him being back. He was fun to watch, him and Arya help ruin my life in a good way (“you wouldn’t be my family; you’d be my lady” NO ONE TOUCH ME I’M NOT OKAY), and I actually buy his interactions with Davos and the father/son relationship. Davos lost a son (in the books, his 4 oldest) at Blackwater, and to find someone kind of the same age as his oldest and try to save him, especially from Melisandre, just, unf. I’ll take it, show. Ya done good.
Also very very enjoyed watching him bribe the Lannister soldiers, and watching Hammertime take ’em out. This is what we missed out on for Davos – watching him be an excellent smuggler, and someone who this entire world genuinely could use. He can feed starving people, he approaches things in a unique way, and his instinct for problems isn’t “I will hit it, and if it doesn’t go away I will hit it harder, and if it still doesn’t go away I will get a sharper sword.” I high-key adore Davos, Liam Cunningham is perfect, and just, good job, show.
*whispering* where are Euron’s ships? oh are they in a holding pattern in the Shivering Sea of Sit Here Until We Need a Plot Device? fuck this showwww
This is a throwback to the end of book 3, but again, I really wish that they had kept Jaime’s fuck-you to Tyrion at the end of season 4. The tension would be huge and actually appropriate! We’re riding right now on Jaime’s being angry about Tywin, and although Nikolaj is acting the hellllll out of it (seriously, dude, props, you’re doing amazing sweetie), I’m not sold that Jaime would be this upset about Tywin’s death for this long. This meeting was stupid, I don’t like it, grumblegrumble.
I’ve seen a lot of people ask if Cersei is faking her pregnancy. I don’t think she is, but I also cannot be arsed to care about it. It is boring. I am bored. Also why does everyone keep using Bronn to do things if he sells you out to literally everyone else? Like, Lannister family, sit down for a second: there are other sellswords. There are other…anything. This family makes me feel like I’m having an intervention with a set of siblings that only likes Burger King fries and I have to bring them to Wendy’s and McDonald’s and Chick-fil-A and Five Guys. The options are obvious, they are numerous, and they’re still all mediocre because THIS IS A STUPID PLOT DEVICE. I need Jerome Flynn to get worse at being fun immediately because I’m sick of getting mad about fries.
SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T MATTER
(one quick thing – YASSS good good job with Jon petting Drogon this was a good moment this was good acting for Kit yes good job show this was a shining star in a dark and crappy sky of an episode)
Jorahhhhh the Fedoooooraaaaaa makes his triumphant return (*tips helmet* m’khaleesi) to his long-lost love oh my GOD WHY IS HE NOT DEAD. STOP, SHOW. This series is big on “hey even people we’re interested in totes die” and curing Jorah is veering into Terry Goodkind “you are unique, Richard Cypher” territory. He doesn’t even *matter*, just let him be *dead*, no one *cares*.
A friend also pointed out that they’re totally using him to stir things up with Jon and Dany and I did not sign up for a love triangle, no sirree. If I wanted to watch Twilight I’d fucking watch Twilight. I don’t want to watch medieval Forks, Washington where Jon and Jorah are both Edward and it’s somehow more boring. Jorah sold people into slaveryyyyy he sucksssss. Also a reminder for those playing at home – our trilby-topped shithead sold people into slavery to try to cover the debts he incurred keeping his wife happy. He makes awful decisions, and makes even worse ones when he’s in love, and he’s just the worsttttt. Let’s let him turn into a statue and then tear down the statue.
I really hope that they all got in that boat and made it up to the Wall that fast because Gendry got so good at rowing that he can go like 80 knots over the water
does it take
to get places
you stupid, stupid show
“oh we’ve condensed things for fewer episodes” this isn’t motherfucking A Wrinkle in Time, do the work or look stupid and I guess you’ve chosen ‘look stupid’
I really can’t totally talk about this without spoilers(???) so it’s at the bottom. I don’t even know if they count. Sorry, guys.
This was 95% awful but credit to the show for bringing back Sansa’s letter from season 1, I do at least like when the show remembers that shit happened before it picked its faves and ran with it
I super don’t like the Arya/Sansa tension, not because there wouldn’t be tension, but this seems like a pointless set of tension. Arya trying to push Sansa into taking control by being like “u liek Krabby Patties don’t u Squidward” is weird and makes no sense, other than a shit-stirring move.
Arya attended the Milford School with Buster Bluth, apparently, and instead of writing or working on characterization we just decided to tell Maisie and Aidan to look around corners for 6 minutes and just film that.
Yes, I *get* that the whole point of this is to show that Arya is not as smart as she thinks she is, I *know* this. I knew this years ago. I do not need to be beaten over the head with it, and I absolutely don’t need to have Littlefinger deliver this information to me, either. Extra even more so because the show has decided that he’s not even that smart, just creepy, and I stg if the goal here is to set up a fight between Sansa and Arya because Baelish somehow got his hands on a letter Sansa wrote at the age of 12 trying to save her father from being executed and Arya can’t recognize that I will *scream.* I WILL SCREEEEEAM. I saw people saying like “oh no Arya will get mad at Littlefinger, tho!” why would that happen, in this plot. Please can Brienne just kill Petyr and we can all go home PLEASE
To Catch a Predator
This is the worst and most idiotic fanfiction I have ever seen in my fandom life, and it is now greenlit as the adaptation. We’re literally gonna send out the goddamn Breakfast Club to grab an ice zombie to bring it to Cersei like a cat with a mouse and maybe she’ll help with this stuff are you KIDDING. ARE YOU *KIDDING.* This entire thing is “so Hardhome was the least hated episode of Season 5 and we should do it again” and I am just….why. Why do I watch this stupid show with stupid Jon “The Others Whisperer” Snow running out to trap one of these fuckers so a lady who hates you and would gladly see you all dead will help you. Davos, buddy, you’re smart, why are you doing this. And Beric? I get the idea of doing dumb things for ***aesthetic*** (I own high heels) but if you are running into Interior Greenland, But Worse on the stupidest fucking errand ever to exist just so you can light your sword on fire I stg, Beric, I STG
AND THOROS U SHOULD KNOW BETTER, U N UR TOPKNOT
I need Sandor to drop an absolutely devastating “why are we doing this” line next week, and I’m still gonna hate this plot, and obviously we’re setting this up for someone to die, and I just…I don’t care. Watch Jorah like, re-catch greyscale from a wight and die that way.
I AM GRUMPYYYYYYYYY NERDRAGE OUT
Ollllddddtown spoilerrssssss maybe idk idk below
So I absolutely adore John Bradley, he is my favorite cast member and this was actually a particularly strong scene for him in a show that gives him not much range but when they let him he kills it (“open the *fucking* gate” was a heck of a moment) and this was another great example but it was so out of character and he trampled over a potentially series-changing plot point and what. why. why did this happen.
We seriously got writers out here like “this maester annulled Elia and Rhaegar’s marriage and wrote it in his diary” and now Jon’s legitimate and what. whatttttt. This was a hell of a twist but a delivery failure. It doesn’t matter if you make the most bomb-ass cake for that fancy wedding; if you drop it taking it out of the truck, the couple gonna be pissed. Sam doesn’t usually talk over Gilly, he listens to her, and for him to be this frustrated at a group of old dudes who don’t ever do anything is weird, and why were we even here if you were just gonna scrape off Jorah’s poison oak and annoy Slughorn. I love you, John Bradley, and I’m genuinely sorry for not liking this scene, but I didn’t like this scene.
Yes yes holy shit Jon’s legitimate holy shit I agree it’s a big deal but B&W being like *wink wink* u catch that guys??? is not fun and I don’t like it. So all we need to do now is get Gilly and Drogon together and they’ll compare notes and Jon’s the heir hoorayyyy.
Super sorry for the delay – life and lawyering happened like, a LOT this week, and it wasn’t even fun lawyering, it was “why am I not allowed to put grown adults in a time out” kinda lawyering. Plus I had the Gummi Bears theme song stuck in my head while waiting for court appearances yes hi please trust me with your legal matter BOUNCING HERE AND THERE AND EVERYWHERE
I’m sorry if you only like reading these when I get angry, because even though I will still have some anger for this episode, this review is gonna be mostly positive – I really liked this dang episode. This was the director’s first swing at this show and he frankly hit a home run. I’m just v v pleased, y’all – this show can do a heck of a battle scene and when it’s good it’s just really quite good. This entire episode felt very *not* George R. R. Martin’s writing (the dialogue and some of the plotting felt almost too clear and straightforward) but it felt pretty true to the characterization, and as much as we like to see plot happen to our characters on this show, this series *is* character-driven. Just, thumbs-up, you stupid jerk show, ya done good, kid.
Also no Euron lol
I’m trying to break this up by scenes this time and we’ll see how it goes idk idk
Heyyyy friends slightly less yelling this episode but still some yelling of course and I think this post is super long idk idk I’m sorry or not sorry? if you like reading it? ugh I’m a cesspool of fan emotion
This ep: absolutely delicious dialogue and cinematography and plot holes the size of Jupiter