Welllllcome back to your favorite friendly neighborhood dorkathon. I am excited to be here, and again, if you’re liking what’s happening here, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down, if you’re okayI’llstop, there is a donate button in the top right corner of this page.
Also, if this is your first time here: I used to state my spoiler policy, which was that spoilers were present through the current episode, but nothing past there into the books or otherwise. Since we are in uncharted territory, I really don’t think I have much of a spoiler policy, other than like, watch the episode first.
Additionally, I normally divide up the action by location, and I will still try to do this, but some characters are migrating around, so I’m going to do my best to group this to my own satisfaction and complaints may be directed to the Arryns’ Moon Door. hashtagmyblogmyrules
haha just kidding oh GOD please don’t ruin this more than you already have I am delicate, I am D E L I C A T E
I’m pretty proud of myself for figuring this out in about 10 seconds, but maybe y’all did too and I’m not impressive. At first I was like “huh, flashback, maybe? Something else?” and then my brain went “wait is Arya Walder rn IS ARYA WALDER RN SHE SO IS OHHHHH SHIT OH SHIT PEOPLE GON’ DIE” and then PEOPLE DID GON’ DIE. Serious props to David Bradley, everyone’s favorite Filch, for his performance here: not joking, I got some shivers, and he did an excellent job playing Arya playing Walder.
I’ve seen arguments that this scene was pretty fan-service-y, and…yeah, they’re not wrong, I guess. I’m not so much doubting that Arya could pull this off (she has always been a murderpuppy but now she’s a murderpuppy with training and, let’s be honest, some magic), just doubting the speed. If this were a longer con over the course of the season, or even half of a season, I’d have bought it totally. Still, I bought it some and ooooh buddy does it feel good to watch Freys in silly hats die.
Moving right along to Ed Sheeran, who everyone seems to hate (legit on Twitter people were like AWESOME ARYA’S GONNA STAB ED SHEERAN HOORAY). I was mostly just hoping that she had walked into a campsite with bros singing “I’m in love with your body” to each other, but ALAS, it was not to be. I did generally enjoy this scene – I think the “small world” stuff is a thing that the show does better than the books. This is partially due to the limits of POV chapters for nobility, and partially just the choices made by the showrunners. I’m here for it.
I’m also literally always here for Arya’s fatalistic laughing and the trope of “I’m telling you my plan but you think it is ridiculous so you laugh at it” I ADORE IT
TINY MURDER PUP MAKIN’ FRIENDS
Bran v much throwing his hat in the ring for the title of Most Pouty and Dramatic Stark (look out Jon you got competition)
I’m also assuming that’s how Edd knew it was really Bran – the ***~**drama**~*** of the Starks overcomes all else
I’m glad he’s in the warm but like, did we leave him in that hallway, or what
Like someone should probs know, through the creepy bird communication system, that Bran is alive and creepin’
Also, just to group this in: OH GOOD GIANTS CAN BE WIGHTS AHAHAHAAA WE ARE SO DEAD/I really hope they did right by Wun Wun/that wasn’t supposed to *be* Wun Wun, right? Ice gon’ give it to ya
Show of hands who had to look away from this montage? oh GOD I NEED MORE HANDS UGH UGH UGH like well-done, I guess, but also I want to die, a little, so
The academics on Twitter were all out being like “yyyep accurate”
Also just for a second YOOOOO JIM BROADBENT. I like this casting lots and lots and his costuming and makeup made me actually take a second before I recognized him. Plus, thanks for the unintentional crossover, Professor Slughorn, not letting Sam go into the Restricted Section, if only he had an Invisibility Cloak or something idk idk
I’m not totally sure why we’re having this dragonglass discussion now, or why Sam found that map in a second, or just, any of it. Hearing Sam be like “Stannis told me” [sidenote OF COURSE HE DID HE WAS GREAT THIS SHOW DID NOT DESERVE HIM I HOPE HE IS IN THE HEAVENS BEING A COPYEDITOR] but having not put the pieces together seems off, the whole set of pacing seems off, idk idk I didn’t love these scenes. To be fair I might have been just trying to tamp down my nausea still, so this may not be a fair assessment.
Maybe next week he’ll find out how to make Polyjuice Potion tho
I could address Jorah and his super creepy jumpscare arm but nah
Cause ev’rytime we touch/I get this greyscale
And ev’ry time we kiss/We don’t, I am gross
Man I love how every Northerner is born 50 years old
Oh, you a kid? no you ain’t get your sword grow a beard develop some crow’s feet around your eyes rub some dirt in it chew your vowels
Ohhhh, buddy. This plotline is gonna hurt me plenty. This is a Doom reference. My husband plays. I am not that cool.
Jon, just, as a thing, buddy – there are 19 castles at the wall, 3 are manned, that leaves 16, you have like, 12 dudes total. You can’t man all the castles. Yes, this is bookreader wank, but it like, matters for the plot, because a huge thing is “icezombies are gonna icemurder us all because we are un-fucking-prepared to the maximum allowance.” Jon being like “hey, you know what would help? People, like, at the border” is garbage, and even his women-should-fight argument is not sufficient (although it did allow us an adorable Lyanna Mormont scene so some points, there).
Watching Jon and Sansa battle at the high table and talk to each other later was good writing and good tension and I buy it I just am kinda sitting there like “noooo baby wut is u doin” because I love them both and they are both great and omg just get along and kill Baelish for me, (Linda Belcher voice) please, fah me, just do this
I am with Sansa on the debate – they are traitors, give their castles away. In another world, I’m with Jon, I am, but not this one, where literally the smallest indication of weakness means the very scenery will rise up and slaughter you. Like if Jon told Edd that he likes blueberry pancakes, one of his bannermen would paint a knife blue, stab him again, and yell “more like blue-BURIED pancakes!” while Jon bleeds out. Team No Quarter/Team Sansa. Obviously Jon’s forever-unresolved daddy issues play a part here, which we would have noticed even without the heavy-handed “no one should be punished for the sins of his father”, and I GET it, Jon, I do, but Sansa is right, and you do need to pay attention to Cersei, and I know it sucks that everything is awful but like of course it is have you seen the show?
“The Tormund line was just pure fan-service” oh no how terrible not fan service that’s the worst TORMUND IS EVERYTHING BRIENNE IS EVERYTHING I LOVE THEM I LOVE THIS LET ME HAVE SOMETHING NICE IN THIS ETERNAL WINTER
Brienne *hands up* bless u for asking Sansa “why is he still here” because I also have this question
Man, just, Sansa, in this episode
We got “no need to seize the last word, Lord Baelish, I will assume it was something clever” *fans self* this was delicious, the only unfortunate part is that Baelish is almost certainly doing something unspeakable while remembering it
We also got “yo Dad and Robb were good people but they were so dumb, like, SO dumb, and if you die being dumb I’ma be pissed” and it’s just *unnnnnnffff* yes yes yes this is TRUTH and shows her brilliance and guys I love Jon but if we’re picking a ruler, it’s Sansa
This plotline, tho. Gon’ be bad. *Potter Puppet Pals voice* why must you hurt me in this way
Just leave me here to wallow in my emotions forever it’s fine I’m fine no I don’t need help I’ll just be here bathing in my tears
I could fill a book with my thoughts about Sandor Clegane (not a big book, but like a decent novella) and Rory McCann would be at least a third of the book. This scene was just YES on so many levels, and it began with “you’re not fooling anyone with that topknot” WE ARE BLESSED AND UNWORTHY
I appreciate their showing the scene from Season 4 with Arya and Sandor in their “previously on” compilation, because I’m not sure I would have remembered that this family was the one that he robbed, but I figured it out as soon as Sandor showed some reservations about coming close. And then, of course, I’m just yell-singing WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE/COLLECTING YOUR JAR OF HEARTS at the TV and Rory’s face and this show.
It seemed a bit like we could have used more of a refresher about Beric and Thoros and R’hllor and Co. based on talking to some friends (who is he? what’s his deal, with the fire?) but I’m not sure how to do that. This was also a set of scenes where our lighting budget ran out, and I get that we are full grimdark edgelord intensity on this show but I’d like to *watch* it, with my *eyes*, can we maybe do that, or
We got a goooood scene with Sandor’s visions in the fire, and a few people said that his mention of a mountain means that Cleganebowl is confirmed which…maybe? Rory acted the hell out of this scene, tho, like I was unsure if he was pretending to see something and mess with us and then that change in his face where I realized he was serious and oh GOD, this CHARACTER
Watching Sandor bury the cottager and his daughter was an absolute kick to the gut, and his eulogy was perfection for his character, and no, we haven’t seen this scene in the books, but they nailed this. He gets through a few words of the prayer and then swears and then can’t remember, and he gets out “I’m sorry you’re dead. You deserved better.” A few reviews I’ve read have said something like “looks like the Hound has a soul after all” and GAH YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT. He might have a soul! He might have had one before his brother pushed his face in a fire! He might want to die! He might want to live, but isn’t sure what for! He doesn’t hate a lot of things, but he doesn’t like anything! His survival instincts are still the most powerful except when they’re NOT and whoops there goes my novella
I AM COMPOSED OF FEELINGS AND SOMETIMES THEY HAPPEN OUT LOUD I’M SO SORRY
Everyone seems to agree that they want that floor map
I’ma show up on House Hunters and be like “we need space to entertain” when what I actually mean is “we need space to draw a fly af map of our enemies on the floor”
Me: I blog about my emotions
Husband: and I purchase HBO and step back
Both: our budget is $1.2 million
Anyway I hated nearly everything about these scenes??? Map and Cersei’s bomb-ass dress aside, they were not good. I’m completely unclear on how she knows about Tyrion being named Hand of the Queen to Dany and why she’s just like “yeah that happened and I hate him” but does nothing to fix the situation or stop Dany from landing at Dragonstone or literally anything except getting that floor painted. Jaime’s “three kingdoms, at most” was *chef kisses* wonnnnderful, and I’m interested to see how he’ll handle Cersei, but in these scenes it seems like even the writers didn’t know what to do with him.
Also Cersei, honey, no, you can’t have “a dynasty for us”. Words mean things, that line was stupid, and why did I not know you can pronounce it “DIN-a-sty” because I’m doing that until someone understandably punches me in the face.
MOVING RIGHT ALONG TO THE WORST THING IN THE EPISODE
“oh no, where will the hatred go without Daario,” you may have wondered, dear reader. Fear not. It has a fantastic new target in bargain-basement-Joshua-Jackson, Hot-Topic-managing, worst-parts-of-Russell-Brand, Mystik-Spiral-ing, sweaty-bearded, v-necked motherfucker that is Euron Greyjoy. What the fuck was this, seriously. Where did this homie get a thousand ships on his island with no trees where Yara and Theon jacked a bunch of them. Where did this homie get the idea that Cersei even wanted to talk to him. Where did this homie get My Chemical Romance concert castoffs when they’ve been disbanded for years and he SUCKS SO HARD THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER LET HIM HAVE ANYTHING. Oh my God, I hated this scene. I am Extra Done with both the Swaggering Cool-Guy monster (we literally just killed Ramsay, who was never supposed to be cool and we tried to make him **interesting** and sometimes monsters are just monsters, okay? sometimes bludgeoning and brutality doesn’t have a quirky madness behind it, sometimes there is no backstory, sometimes villains are uncool) and the Never-Even-Won-Employee-Of-The-Month Turkey Leg Seller at the RenFaire being sold to us as a NEW FACE TO WATCH. Daario’s lost Meereen already. Maybe he and Euron can go hang out on Mediocre Dude Island. It’s next to Tarth and Brienne sends them copies of Audre Lorde’s writings when she knows they’re waiting for important messages.
I don’t want any part of this fuckface’s storyline, and after Euron says “and *two* hands,” I would have paid a million dollars to have had Jaime be like “would you like more? you can catch these hands” and just smash his stupid face in with his gold hand. I hate him. Euron in the books is at least *interesting*, but no, we had some guy who looks like he’s the lead guitarist for the band that OPENS for a Poison cover band’s show. Fuck him and his stupid coat forever.
This was a cool shot and a nice jerk move (my husband got super mad at the credits lol) but I miss Stannis because what is dead may never die if you have a fangirl to be annoying about it also where are all the people??? like I get that the entourage went with them but like, no one is there?? weird if tru
No Dany don’t touch the sand I know you are all about **aesthetics** and that is a cool shot but you never get sand off you girl oh no baby wut is u doin
The best tweet I saw about this was “Dany has to take the groceries in all in one trip” and I lost it, that is a hella lot of stairs