Satellite radio channels that I wish existed

February 8, 2017

So I got into a minor car accident two days before Christmas, and since my car is off getting its bumper and taillights and some other car parts I don’t know fixed, I have a rental.  It is a 2017 Kia Soul, so I currently got Soul but I’m not a soldier.  I’m not sorry.

Anyway, the car comes with satellite radio, and I love it and I also should not be trusted with it, because my first instinct was to change every preset to the hair bands station.  After getting over this impulse, I found allllll the stations, including Pop2k, which is the hits from the first decade of the millennium and contains every feeling I’ve ever had.  Gosh, that station is great, and I discovered I still know Missy’s verse in “1, 2 Step” despite not ever shaking it like jello or making the boys say hello.  Gosh darn that’s a great song.  The stations are good times and they are pretty baller with their themes (including Hair Nation… I like Def Leppard more than I should STOP JUDGING ME), but I can definitely think of some they missed.

  • Tina Overdrive
    • This station plays only Tina Turner and Bachman Turner Overdrive songs
  • Dashboard Teardrops
    • This is all songs by which to cry to while you cling to the steering wheel
      • Coldplay’s “Fix You” is On The 8s
      • Also included are Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” and Jessie’s song from Toy Story 2
  • The Chainsmokers’ “Closer”
    • Literally just this song all the time
    • Just kidding that’s called “being alive in the world rn”
    • Fun fact: I cannot sing the lyrics to this song correctly and regularly say them as “bite that roommate on your shoulder”
  • Shrek Soundtracks
    • Only songs that have been included in the Shrek universe soundtracks
    • This includes the “Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party”
      • Don’t act like you didn’t watch that bonus scene at the end of the original movie
  • Wait, What, Seriously?
    • Songs you didn’t know were about sex
      • If you’re me, and therefore you’re stupid, this can include “Anyway You Want It”
        • No, seriously, I’m that dumb
        • Thought it was just about, y’know, livin’ life
  • Not-Great Bands Named After Places
    • Boston
    • Kansas
    • Europe
    • Chicago
      • I would play this station a lot I like these bands
        • My music taste an be described as “if it’s not very good I probably like it”
  • Jock Jams Radio
    • Literally selections from Jock Jams
    • Why are you shaking your head at me
  • Meme Radio
    • Songs that have been in memes
      • “Never Gonna Give You Up”
      • The History of Dance songs
      • “Wonderwall”
      • “Call Me Maybe”
      • “Harder Better Faster Stronger”
      • “Hotline Bling”
      • “Wrecking Ball”
        • Why am I so knowledgeable about the internet
          • This isn’t fun anymore
  • Now They’re the Right Words
    • Songs that you misheard lyrics but now those lyrics are the actual lyrics
    • “Benny and the Jets” is different for literally every person
  • Britney Spears’ “Work B*tch”
    • That’s it
      • That’s the whole station
        • “What about *other* Britney son-”
          • Nope
            • Only one
              • You want a hot body
  • Bands You and Your Dad Both Like
    • Just a nice safe radio station playing whatever works for you both
      • For me it’d be a metric ton of Crosby, Stills and Nash and the Who and some Journey songs
  • Steering Wheel Drummer
    • What it says on the box: songs that are good for drumming on your steering wheel
      • “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins plays every hour on the hour
        • Journey’s “Faithfully” is every hour on the HALF hour
          • blink-182’s “Rock Show,” Rush’s “Tom Sawyer,” Toto’s “Hold the Line,” Led Zeppelin’s… everything, that I will continue to fail at, forever
  • She Got The Range
    • Songs that have notes that you can hit
      • Oh hey, Josh Groban
        • Oh bye, Sara Bareilles
          • I wish I was joking my voice is so deep, y’all
  • Disney Villains
    • All the songs from the bad guys in the movies
      • I really would like to be able to crank up “Be Prepared” any time I need
        • Also “Gaston”
  • “The Rains of Castamere”
    • In case something dramatic happens in your car and you gotta have a soundtrack
  • Hair Nation
    • Hair bands, mostly of the 80s
      • …this is the hair bands station, it exists
        • Holy God do I love Def Leppard and Poison and the Scorpions and WHY AM I LIKE THIS

A coat of gold, a coat of red/ A rocker still has locks

And mine are long and luxurious, my Lord/ what is wrong with me

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