Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 7: “Mockingbird”

Oh gosh, guys, this one’s even harder to not screw up and post spoilers.  I’m trying I swear.

Also this is my new favorite feminist GoT joke:
“All men must di-”
BURSTS IN
“not all men”

Arya and the Hound
Protip, don’t tell Arya your name.  She might not even want to kill you but it’s probably better to be safe.

My tweet for the second half of this scene said “this is a very sweet scene between Arya and the Hound but why does it exist” and I stand by that.  I know they’re fan favorites and I completely understand why, but they truly suffer from an overall Good Guys characterization based mostly on the fact that they hate the same people we hate, pretty much.  Neither the Hound , nor Arya, is actually “good.”  Basically almost no one on the show is.  That isn’t to say that what Gregor did to Sandor was in any way okay (because dude, hol shit, putting your little brother’s face in the fire? what the hell is wrong with you???), and God knows Arya’s got some really good reasons for wanting everyone to die, but neither of them is pure as the driven snow and I really wish the fandom could accept that.

Dany/Essos
Still not aboard the Daario ship (including any of that armada he stole for her HEY-OOO), but honestly? Super happy we got to see 1. a woman who’s not being paid for it initiating sex and 2. consensual sex where we’re not stripping the woman.  Well, I mean, we didn’t see it, technically, because HBO decided for once in its history to cut a sex scene.  The best line I saw about why they chose to cut it was “probably because it was consensual” so WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN, HBO?

Michael Huisman is clearly attractive, I just still don’t get why she’d go for him.  Is anyone out there seriously liking him?  I’m also vaguely bothered by his “I am good at fighting and women and the one woman I want doesn’t want me” jam because SURE BRO like you KNOW he’s been getting plenty and he’s straight up lying to her.  I’d also kinda like to see him fight that wasn’t just like a knife throw?  I know battles are expensive but you dropped a ton of money to light Jojen’s hand on fire so can we see him fight, please?  Ugh.  Anyway.  Idk, he just reminds me of a dude at the gym who like shakes out his arms for like ten minutes to do one Olympic lift with shitty form and then drops the bar loudly on the floor and then gives that little upward nod to everyone and then attempts to hit on a girl with headphones doing speedwork on a treadmill.  Can U Not.

This scene also gets ruined if you picture him with his stupid little cloth necklace thing still on when he’s otherwise naked.  It’s the Essos equivalent of attempting to get busy but leaving your dress socks on.  IT’S BUSINESS, IT’S BUSINESS TIME

I wonder how pissed Margaery is that Dany’s stealing her cutouts jam.  Emilia Clarke you so fine but your design team is a little pervy.  Jorah Is The Saddest Sack, Episode 1,874 did well this week, although I was totally on board when I was reading the books (even though this scene is a little off) being like “he’s annoying with the love stuff but Dany seriously do not bang a sellsword.  Not safe.  Do not have sex, or you will get betrayed and die.”

Jon and the Night’s Watch
HAVE THE GODDAMN BATTLE ALREADY LITERALLY NO ONE CARES ANYMORE

110% done with this storyline, Jon’s got stuff left in the end of book 3 but we’re like still at the Red Wedding time-wise in the show and his character is suffering the most from “we really don’t wanna do book 4 because all the faves are gone.”  I don’t have anything else to put here other than maybe that Lindsay-Lohan-as-Liz-Taylor gif.  I’M BORED.  I’M SO BORED.

Dragonstone
Why is Melisandre naked in this scene in some weird bath that doesn’t actually bathe her?  Why is Melisandre naked in this scene?  Why is Melisandre in this scene?  Why this scene? Why is Melisandre? Why, actually?  Why?  WHY?  This fuckin’ show, man.  I don’t even know.

Tyrion
Gregor Clegane is in fact The Mountain That Can’t Last More Than A Season but the new one’s perfect.  (He’s a legit Strongman competitor and roughly 380 pounds of muscle and I love it.)

So, in the books (this is a significant plot difference but technically not a spoiler, but if you’re reading the books and want to form your own opinion, maybe don’t read this paragraph), Tyrion knows that the Mountain is Cersei’s champion before his trial even begins, knows that Jaime is Buster Bluth and still sucks at swording, and Oberyn comes to him sneakily after the first day of his trial like “yoooo we hate the same people lemme fight ’em for you” and so Tyrion actually has a plan before he goes in.  The way they did it in the show seemed really off and particularly out of character for Tyrion: bro is a planner before anything else, and to act like he’d be all “whaaaaa Jaime you can’t fight I HAD NO IDEA” is just odd.  I really did enjoy Oberyn’s “you’re the first Lannister who has shared my enthusiasm for dead Lannisters” line, though.  I felt the show did a quite good job at making it clear that Oberyn’s 100% here for his own stuff, which means revenging Elia’s death, but I did enjoy his little “I know you’re not a monster” insinuation.  Goddamn it I wanna talk more about this but I can’tttttt.  No spoilers.

I am frankly SHOCKED that the same people who were trending #fuckShae were not also doing #fuckBronn, SHOCKED I TELL YOU.  Of course I’m not.  Anyway, again, the Bronn conversation happens before Tyrion chooses a trial by combat, so it’s not like “oh shit my sellword won’t fight.”  I don’t remember being that mad at Bronn in the books for refusing to fight, and they did take most of the dialogue straight from the books for this scene, so I guess they played that right.  However, fun fact: in the books, Lollys, Bronn’s new bride, is “half-witted,” meaning she’s developmentally disabled, and she’s pregnant because she was raped in the King’s Landing riot where Sansa was also almost raped, back in season 2.  Therefore, I was not too mad at Bronn for not fighting for Tyrion (it’s a smart move), I was mad at people for giving Lollys to him.  Plus he’s totes gonna kill her sister and be the lord and ugh.  Again, group him in with people like the Hound that everyone is like “yeahhh my BRO” and he’s actually pretty terrible.

Brienne and Pod
The Hot Pie That Was Promised YESSSSS.  (If y’all think I’m getting sick of this joke think againnnn).  Love Hot Pie.  My kinda dude.  Stay away from the war and feed people.  Also for reals look at how good his direwolfy bread skills got?  Love you Hot Pie.

Can someone tell me if Brienne ever actually announces that they’re looking for Sansa specifically rather than a girl with red hair?  I don’t remember her doing it, but I haven’t gone and looked it up because I’d have to go through A Feast for Crows, so nope.  Anyone know offhand/want to sacrifice their happiness and dig through that stupid book?  (I didn’t HATE-hate it, it was just such a bleh book.)  Brienne’s obviously not brilliant but it seemed extra dumb for her to be like SANSA STARK WHERE SHE AT to a stranger, but I really could be remembering this wrong.

Sansa and the Eyrie
Twitter freaking BLEW UP with “Frozen” jokes at Sansa’s Eyrie scene but I still haven’t seen the movie like the jackass that I am so I didn’t get any of the jokes.  Sansa is the greatest haters out the goddamn Moon Door.  Sophie Turner, amazing.  The scene in the snow was just as creeptastic in the books as it was in the show, but OH MY GOD they actually had to shoot it and ughhhhh.  Aidan Gillen, I mean, I guess you’re doing your job right because I feel sick to my stomach just looking at your face?  Idk, guys.

ANYWAY.  “Flysa Arryn” caught on and I lol’ed because I’m terrible but nice pun, Twitter.  This was, for me, perhaps the third biggest surprise in book 3: I remember gasping out loud when I read it.  However, I don’t think the show did it justice?  (Of course would love to hear from nonbookreaders to see if the suspense worked.)  First of all, there is this gross other dude there, Marillion, who is this minstrel who tries to hit on Sansa and doesn’t really matter, except for this scene he totes does because Littlefinger needed someone to blame it on?  So what are you gonna do now, bro?  Can’t blame Sansa!

I’m generally (hopefully?) not too annoying about “but they said it differently in the books!!!!111” but this is one scene that I really think they should have stuck to the source material.  Martin describes Lysa as falling silently, and that really struck a chord with me, because she’s in shock that he’d do that and can’t react (how I read it) and I wish they had done that.  Also, dammit, Benioff and Weiss, you had ONE JOB and that was to let Baelish say “only Cat” not “your sister” and you done fucked up, son.  It’s a better line and if people can’t remember Catelyn that is their own damn fault and they should sit there in their confusion and DEAL WITH IT.

I’m sorry I’m so slow on this, bar prep is eating my life, I love you all for reading it and I will try to take notes DURING the show this week so maybe I can write faster.

I read Elliot Rodger’s manifesto so you don’t have to…but you probably have.

You can, if you want.  I wouldn’t.  I can summarize it for you with a few choice quotes.  There’s a whole lot of racist and classist garbage.  There’s a lot of “beautiful blonde,” there’s a lot of “supreme gentleman,” there’s a lot of “deserve.”

And if you’re female, you’ve probably seen a milder version of this most days of your life.

I spent a lot of time this past weekend on the #YesAllWomen hashtag on Twitter.  The phrasing on this hashtag is a play on the words “not all men,” an expression you’ll frequently see when people try to bring up anything related to violence or general harm against women that’s committed by men.

It will appear like this:
“When women are raped…” “Not all men rape!”
“Women are frequent victims of domestic violence..” “Not all men are abusers!”
“Many women get catcalled walking down the street…” “Well I don’t catcall anyone!”

I get it, guys, I do.  I’m not being sarcastic here.  Elliot Rodger was a raging misogynist, and you don’t in ANY way want to be associated with him.  He was a disgusting human being, and his actions were unforgivable.  Most men aren’t like him!

But I listened to the radio this morning, and I heard a guy who called in say that he, too, frequently gets mad at women because he sees them with “the wrong guys,” and he lets out his resulting anger by listening to music or playing violent video games.  Elliot Rodger got mad at couples too, and wrote about throwing his hot coffee on couples that disgusted him, hoping to burn them.

I’ve talked to men about the pick-up artist community, who calls women “targets,” and is willing to sacrifice the personhood of those women to win sex.  Elliot Rodger tried the pickup artist technique, and spent time on a website called PUAHate.  This website does not criticize pickup artists for treating women like objects; its members hate on the technique because it doesn’t work.

I watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory in which Howard is painted to be a sad geek who just wants to love women, and never gets the chance, all because Penny calls him “creepy.”  She explains to him that she’s not interested in him, he attempts to kiss her anyway, and she punches him.  His last line states that he’s “at least halfway to pity sex.”  Elliot Rodger played World of Warcraft and skateboarded and read A Song of Ice and Fire and just wanted a girlfriend.

I heard a conversation on a SEPTA train where two guys were describing this one girl as a “whore” who would “f*** anything that moves,” but they also “wouldn’t say no if she offered, I mean, I’m only human, right?”  Elliot Rodger wanted nothing more than to lose his virginity to a beautiful blonde, but called all the blondes he saw “sluts” in his manifesto.

I’ve been catcalled while wearing a dress, and while wearing jeans; I’ve been called a “bitch” because I don’t respond to the catcalls, and my choice to respond is taken away from me because the men drive away…and because I don’t know if I’ll be attacked if I respond.  Elliot Rodger would spill his coffee on people and then run or drive away before anyone could do anything to stop him.

I’ve seen parents tell their little nerdy boys that “the geeks shall inherit the earth,” and let them know that once they’re older, girls will be lining up to date them because they’ll have great jobs and tons of money.  Elliot Rodger was an affluent young man, and didn’t understand why his fancy car and Hugo Boss shirts and Gucci sunglasses didn’t turn into automatic sex for him.

I’ve heard close friends detract women as “crazy,” and dismiss their exes as “she doesn’t even know what she wants.”  Elliot Rodger called all women, including his mother, mentally ill, because they didn’t make the “right” choices, the choices he would have forced them to make.

I’ve read writings of men who don’t understand why on Earth a girl doesn’t want to date them when they’d treat their women like queens.  Elliot Rodger’s “Day of Retribution” was committed because he felt he hadn’t gotten what he deserved, and “if I can’t have them, no one can have them.”

And in the #YesAllWomen tag?  I’ve given up on you if you’ve decided to take over a hashtag written by women to discuss the universal shared experience of feeling threatened every. fucking. day. of their lives to interject and say “Well I’M not like that!” as if it mattered at all.

My first contribution to this tag was this:
“#YesAllWomen Since when is ‘not all of us’ a good enough standard? Go fix it until it’s ‘not any men.'”

No one is giving you a medal because you weren’t Elliot Rodger.  That isn’t the decency standard.  If you’ve laughed at a rape joke, if you’ve called yourself a “nice guy,” if you’ve heard a catcall and said nothing, if you saw this story break and felt anything except “what the hell is WRONG with men,” you’re a part of the problem.  Women are trying to fix it, but we can’t fix everything; you have to help.  Not just sit there and not hurt anyone and hijiack a hashtag to tell everyone how not-terrible you are: actively fix this problem.

My other contribution to this tag was this:
“#YesAllWomen makes men mad because they’re grouped with misogynists.  It makes women mad because misogyny kills us.  See the difference?”

Being grouped with Elliot Rodger sucks.  You know what’s worse?  Having “text me that you got home safe” after a date being a necessity.  Needing to alter routes or when you leave somewhere because it’s dark out.  Getting called a c*** because you won’t respond to a guy calling you “cutie” from across the street.  Being terrified to reject advances because you think you might get assaulted.  Getting assaulted.  Getting killed.

I get that this makes you uncomfortable, but it should make you more uncomfortable that literally every woman you talk to is scared at least once a day.  When every interaction I have with an unknown male is a game of Russian roulette with vaguely better odds, I don’t want to hear how I’ll be fine because you’re not a bullet.  We’re not having this discussion to attack you; we’re trying to stop being scared and getting hurt.

You’re not Elliot Rodger.  Go fix the world so no one is.

Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 6: “The Laws of Gods and Men”

Sorry sorry sorry for the post delay.  I graduated Friday and my life was busy which is NO EXCUSE, I KNOW I APOLOGIZE HERE’S THE POST THAT WAS PROMISED

As a general statement I really liked this episode.  Even the deviations from the book were mostly cool with me (since the producers totes check with me before they make changes).  The commentary was only difficult this week because I’m trying really hard to not have any spoilers and I could do it reeeeeally easily but that would be The Meanest so hopefully I didn’t screw up, and sorry for making y’all wait forever just to say “lol can’t talk byeeeeee” about half this stuff.

Braavos

Guys the Titan looked SO GOOD.  I really don’t have a point here except to say that.  Also just had to throw this in: oh heyyyyy Mycroft how you be

So with the Titan and Davos’ fingerless hand AND dragons we’re just blowing through our CGI budget for the season, aren’t we.  Anyway.  Davos is the best and while I’m still not completely on the Stannis wagon (I might never be), the argument written for him to present to the Iron Bank was freaking brilliant, and THANK YOU someone for pointing out that Tywin is an old dude and cannot live forever.  The overwhelming majority of people in Westeros are not on the Walder Frey/Maester Aemon aging plan, and Tywin goes into battle if necessary.  People die here all the time.  Remember “you Starks are hard to kill”?  And let’s be real, if my options are regent-led Tommen or Stannis, I’m Stannis all the way.  Davoooooos.  Love you bro.

And seriously, even the random naked women in this episode got names and lines.  Progress is progress I’LL TAKE IT

Scene was not in the books but I actually really loved it of course I did DAVOOOOS

Meereen

wow, such dragon, very burn

I can’t do much more dragontalk because of spoiler reasons.  Dany’s temple seat looks good but it wasn’t what I pictured?  I’m not sure why.  It looks good, it just reminds me of the lobby of a very elite spa or something.

When reading the books, I had an immediate reaction and opinion on Hizdahr zo Loraq, but that was not the case in the show.  This is probably almost entirely due to the fact that you meet Hizdahr through Dany’s POV in the books.  And I kinda love it?  The fact that you can’t yet get a read on this guy (is he a noblemen’s leader? a grieving son? WE MUST KNOW) is A+ directing, writing, and acting.  Keep it up Joel Fry.

The Dreadfort/the Greyjoys

Thing I totally believe: women would gladly have consensual sex with Iwan Rheon
Thing I totally do not believe: there is any woman anywhere fictional or not who would have consensual sex with Ramsay Bolton

I just…ugh.  Stop.  Yes, Iwan Rheon is very pretty, I get it.  Like I’m not gonna complain about his being shirtless: he’s very attractive.  I’m just Not Here For making him into some sadistic evil genius medieval Moriarty who’s also kinda sexy and gets all the ladies.  He’s a sick bastard who is terrible to all humans and worse to women, and his having a weird little girlfriend as a sidekick is just, nope.  Bastard’s Boys.  Also if I remember correctly they gave her the name Miranda which is just like, okay, Lizzie McGuire, you do that.  Ramsay is not a “honey-you-should-see-me-in-a-crown” brilliant villain: he’s gross, the absolute grossest and I don’t like that they made him cute.

Now, to the Greyjoys.  Not a book scene (or at least not exactly how they meet), but UNF. YES.  I LOVED IT.  Yara/Asha is being played flawlessly by Gemma Whelan, and I like that they didn’t have her smile and had her kill her guide and just be generally ruthless.  She might be here to get her brother but let’s not pretend that she’s “nice.”  She’s doing this because you do not be fuckin’ with the Ironborn, yo.  “My brother’s dead” – ahhhh feelings.  The whole scene and her reactions also set up the possibility of the kingsmoot but I’m not gonna talk any more about that until later because spoilers.

Alfie Allen needs to stop making me tear up every time I see him.  My single complaint about Reek’s portrayal would be that Alfie still looks relatively fit/muscular, but I understand not wanting to starve an actor just to get one scene.  I don’t know whose call it was to have him bite Yara but well done.  His fear of retribution from Ramsay was both heartbreaking and incredibly intense: I knew Ramsay wasn’t going to hurt him for taking the bath, that it wasn’t a trick, but I was still scared for him, and I think the writers and Alfie are doing a wonderful job of making Reek feel real.  I look forward to seeing what they’re going to do when Reek has to “play” Theon.

To summarize, yes scene, yes Yara, yes Reek, goddamn it stop letting people have consensual sex with the Bastard of Bolton no matter how pretty he looks.

Tyrion’s trial

GUYS. YES. SO GOOD.  I’m trying really hard to not do spoilers so this part took a while and it’s not even that long.  I obviously have more feelings but I need to make sure I don’t ruin the show for people.

One extra thing before I get to the trial stuff: I didn’t love the scene with Oberyn and Varys.  I know they had to set up the whole “Varys is asexual” thing (and also please note he only tells his story to people he trusts and since he told Tyrion…?), but I really didn’t love the “hehe you’re kinda feminine you must like boys” thing.  It’s not Oberyn-like and it’s not cool, yo.  Varys is everything, bow down.  Fun fact: I would watch roughly a straight month of Varys, Littlefinger, and Tywin battling back and forth at a table.  Frankly, I’d watch them just raise their eyebrows at each other.

Tommen trying to king was the cutest.  I was oddly nervous for him as he recited his little “I’m not even doing anything my grandpa’s got this” but d’awww.  He’s a cutie.  Then, watching Tywin sit on the throne in his place was kind of everything I’ve ever wanted?  Not because it would be good if Tywin sat the Iron Throne, but because Charles Dance is seriously everything I’ve ever wanted for the character. Down to his little finger twitch thing that he does.

I really, really enjoyed the scene between Jaime and Tywin.  The two we’ve had with them this season have been a weird compilation of a very shouty scene in the books, but I really did like it just because I felt it was a perfect portrayal of what the two characters are supposed to be at this point in the story: Jaime’s redemption arc hits an important point in Tyrion’s trial and dammit I wish I could talk more about this without ruining the whole thing.  No, it’s not really book accurate, but I like it.  And oh my God, Charles Dance.  You don’t know if he’s lying.  You don’t know his motives.  UNF.  It’s perfect.  He’s perfect.  He made Mace Tyrell fetch his quill.  YES.

The trial overall was great too.  Pycelle in particular was a star, and I’m oddly enjoying Oberyn’s little sassy “faaaaascinating tell us moooore ugh I wish I had a drink” comments.  Peter Dinklage is excellent, and while I am somewhat frustrated with the show’s insistence that Tyrion is perfection and can do no wrong, Dinklage is playing show-Tyrion perfectly.  The speech he gives at the end is very close to the book, and I’m really happy for that. (For reference, when Tyrion is waiting in the dungeons for part of his trial, he attempts to masturbate thinking of Shae.  He’s not an angel, guys.)

Now, to Shae.  I did not see her as a sympathetic character in the books.  She’s a whore, and while we can certainly analyze this from a ton of different “women have very few choices if they wish to remain independent,” she’s certainly aware of her position, she’s paid well for it, and this whole “but I luuuuurve you” weirdness we got from her (and Tyrion!) was just bleh.  The show tried to force a True Love romance here when there was none.  They made her seem like she testified against Tyrion because he was like “please leave or you’ll die” and she was like “nooo I wanna stayyyyy” and then they found her and she was like “I’ll gladly do this because he Did Me Wrong” and just ugh.  Stop.  He paid her and liked her and she liked getting paid and didn’t hate him because he treated her well.  Done. End.

HOWEVER. I saw a ton of Twitter freaking out and #fuckShae trending.  Can we not?  Let’s be real, Tywin and Cersei and Varys found Shae and told her “hey you testify or we kill you.”  That’s what happened.  With or without her testimony, he would be found guilty, since Tywin is gonna find him guilty and Mace does what Tywin says.  This trial ends terribly for Tyrion no matter what, and if she doesn’t testify, she dies. You’re gonna criticize her because she said something bad about Your Fave?  Sorry, nope.

I have so many more things to say and I can say literally NONE of them because it ruins everything.  Gah. Okay guys, this post sucked, I’m sorry, but hopefully the next one will let me talk about more. Spoiler feelingssssss. Love you all and please tell me how you felt in the comments.

Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 5: “First of His Name”

There was no The Pounce That Was Promised this week so I am sad.

So one of the fun things I found out this week: remember the little Lannister boys who were effectively prisoners of war in Season 3?  Lord Karstark kills them and then Robb chops his head off dramatically in the rain all Stark-like?  So Dean Charles Chapman, the actor they recast as Tommen, played Martyn Lannister.  Karstark stabbed him but he came Back To Life as Tommen Baratheon, The First of His Name.  There are no other actors?  We’d forget? I don’t know.  It just reminded me of how Law and Order: SVU will sometimes have an actor or actress in a bit part from the first few seasons suddenly reappear as a totally different person and because they were only in one or two episodes no one would notice.  I NOTICED.  …yes, it took me like 3 weeks to figure it out but I EVENTUALLY DID, OKAY

Sandor and Arya
Still a little mad that “The Red Woman” is now in Arya’s list, and the placement in the season of her starting to recite it seems a bit odd.  I’m trying to figure out if I remembered correctly, but if I do, at this point in the books, Arya is starting to consider leaving Sandor’s name off of the list.  (Tried going through the book and couldn’t confirm because I am actually the worst shit in Westeros and I had finals and I’m sorry. I am.)  Maisie Williams looked great practicing her swordwork, but NO SYRIO IS NOT DEAD I REFUSE TO BELIEVE WHAT IS ALMOST CERTAINLY TRUE.  Aaaaand we’ve got Sandor using the c-word again.  Obviously I sort of know where their storyline is going, but I also really don’t.  Let’s wait and see, shall we?

Dany
Yeah Daario’s appearance is still hella generic, but I did truly enjoy his scene this week.  “I heard you like ships” is a good line, especially with him just eating like a jerk as he’s talking to his qweeeeeen.  I really wish I could find it, because it comes across better visually, but I saw a gif of Dany after Daario says his ships line and it’s captioned “damn he’s right, I fucking love ships” and I LOST IT.  Perfection.

Jorah Mormont could be played by a 3-week old puppy or an actual fedora and no one would notice.  And not that we’re in any better shape with a lot of the other characters, but we’re seriously running out of material for her: there’s about a dozen pages left of her in ASoS, and then she’s not back until ADwD so I don’t know how this is gonna work.

Brienne and Pod
POOOOODDD.  Have I mentioned I love Pod? I love Pod.  I don’t know why they’ve been walking on this one tree-covered lane for a week, but apparently they have.  Also the trees messed with Brienne’s hair?  I don’t even know.

Brienne’s line about removing her own armor for years kinda broke my heart in the best way (and if you’ve read my previous post dedicated to her you kinda get why).  Then Pod’s line about killing a man for Tyrion by putting a spear through his head also kinda broke my heart.  This was just a great scene: it’s two people who are regularly being told that they’re not really good for much, and are almost stupidly devoted to ideals and people they care about, and maybe they’ll be okay together.  Again, I know I relate to Brienne, but I definitely relate to Pod for the same reason I related to Dontos and still do to Sam Tarly: I’d be totally incompetent in Westeros but try to be nice to people and it would probably totally screw me over.  SOMETIMES I’M TOO EMOTIONAL TO OPERATE, GUYS, I’M SORRY

*break to go cry for a few minutes*

Cersei
Okay so like, none of her scenes were in the books, so I can’t really compare, but of course I still have lots of feelings.

Kiiiind of loved her scene with Margaery?  I really liked the camera angle of Margaery looking at Tommen and Cersei stepping into her line of sight.  The whole set of dialogue was a very stark contrast to their previous exchange of “call me sister again and I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.”  Both women are in mourning, Margaery to keep up appearances, and Cersei because she truly loved her son, but both women knew what he was: a nightmare.  I can’t really explain why I liked this so much, but I did.

However: not a huge fan of her scene with Tywin.  I get the whole point of this is “o hai Dad, you’re one of the judges, it would be A+ if you could legally kill Tyrion wink wink,” but it just didn’t fit.  Cersei being in control of a situation in which Tywin also stars just felt reeeeally off.  Also, since when is House Lannister broke when under the control of Tywin?  Tywin just pourin’ wine and like “lol there’s no gold in our lands isn’t that just hilarious” and “take a guess” and “no really I’ll share this information with the daughter I feel is incompetent” and he’s apparently Tywin “YOLO” Lannister now?  Idk, guys.  Not feelin’ it.

However, AGAIN: yessssss her scene with Oberyn yesssss.  One complaint: Oberyn is a Prince of Dorne, as we’re never not told; does he only own that one coat thing?  Like seriously everyone with money on this show is like “lookit mah pretty outfits” and we’re giving this dude one sad yellow coat.  Dress him up, yo.

Just a reminder that this dress happened

ANYWAY.  GUYS.  THIS WAS GREAT.

SO. GREAT.  BECAUSE BUT REALLY.  ALSO THIS IS STILL APPLICABLE TODAY.  This was a really important conversation, because clearly in Dorne they have better attitudes about class and about sex, but Cersei is not about to let Oberyn pretend that women and girls are safe.  I almost cried during this scene, and although this line/scene isn’t explicitly stated in the books, it’s a pretty perfect example of why I “get” Cersei.  I don’t think I’d go as far as to say that I like her character, but man, I get why she does what she does.

Sansa and the Eyrie
For the record, I am brilliant, because Littlefinger handed Robin Arryn that little glass bird thing and I was just like “he’s gonna smash that thing” and LO AND BEHOLD out the Moon Door it goes.  Also I thought their prison cells were Moon Doors?  I don’t know.  Also I feel like it’s a bad call to leave that partially open all the time but whatever, Westeros is not known for being OSHA-compliant.

In case you non-bookreaders were wondering, yes, nearly all of that was in the books.  Lysa is more than a little cray, she marries Baelish, Baelish totally got her to poison her husband (Jon Arryn, Robert Baratheon’s former Hand, remember when Ned was investigating that whole deal? Yeah, Petyr Baelish is just messin’ ish up), Sansa has an amazing “You Do Not Pay Me Enough For This” face, she does go by Alayne Stone while she’s in the Eyrie, etc. etc.  Littlefinger identifies her as his baseborn daughter in the books rather than his niece, so that’s extra icky, because he clearly is trying to get with Sansa because she reminds him of her mother.

One of the people I watched with was talking about Lysa and was like “should she be trusting Littlefinger?” and I made a really loud laugh-snort because 1. I am obnoxious and smug and 2. Not Lysa nor anyone should trust him he is the sneakiest.  Do Not Trust Him.  He Is a Fugly Slut.  (Tenth anniversary this month, I HAD to)

The scene with Sansa and Lysa is Sophie Turner’s finest to date, and really shows how Sansa has begun to play the game.  You can hear the actual fear and sadness when she calls herself a stupid girl, but she’s ALSO completely aware that it’s what Lysa wants to hear.  I love her in this scene, I loved this scene in general, it felt just as gross watching it as it did reading it, and I just wanna give mad props to everyone involved.

Bran and Jon and Craster’s Keep and I don’t even know
Hodor: “HODOR! Hodor! Hodor!”
The Six-Fingered Man/Locke: “Stop saying that!”
Hodor: “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, Bran is a warg, prepare to die.”

Ohhhh look Locke’s dead.  I cannot remember if Bran ever uses Hodor in the books to actually kill people, can anyone tell me?  In the books, Bran can in fact warg into animals and into Hodor at this point, mostly because it’s implied that Hodor’s mind is “simpler” than other humans’ minds so Bran can do it.  This was kind of an intense scene for me to watch, because I kept thinking “what if someone mind-controlled you to kill someone” and got super squicked out.

Jojen was the kid in Love Actually and I can’t quite get past that.  Sorry?  All I Want for Christmas is White Walkers? We need Kate, and we need Leo, and we need Coldhands, and we need them now? I don’t know what to do about this guys because it’s super creepy to hear him be like “I SAW YOUR BODY BURN” when I’m just like “noooo go be cute at the airport with Liam Neeson”  ANYWAY

Once again, 6000% done with the attempted rape as a plot device.  Meera is “saved” because of some totally unrelated good timing on the part of the Night’s Watch.  Also, of course, her virtue or whatever is preserved because she’s a named character we care about, but whatever to all of the Craster women who have been abused for literally every day of their lives, just by different men.  Stop this.

The fight scene was nice and gruesome if you’re into that, I guess?  But I thought they said there were a dozen men and it took them like a while to subdue them?  I don’t know how swordfighting works. Gin Alley dude is dead, of course, and I also feel like Jon should have taken care of him faster, but oh well.  I like how they picked like, The Most Impractical Sword Stab ever to have Jon kill him with: let’s pick a place that is literally all bone and have you stab straight through it with the world’s heaviest sword.  Also Jon way to drop the dude’s body on the Craster girl and just be like “you okay?” Of course she’s not okay bro but we’ll never see them again.  Burning Craster’s keep is also nice and symbolic but uh, where you gonna live?  It’s cold out, yo.  I don’t know.  This plotline is weird and I’m just happy they didn’t have Bran and Jon run into each other because nope.

I have finally gotten Andrew to start giggling about Jon’s pretty hair and honestly that is all I ever wanted.  Also this week’s award for Greatest Achievement in Accent Inconsistency goes to Jon Snow, for “Seven ‘ells! Come ‘ere, I misstya boyyyy!”  I don’t even know what the goal was there.  Kit Harington has a very posh (Southern) English accent + the Stark actors in the first season said they tried to imitate Sean Bean’s northern England accent and this apparently = weird drunk My Fair Lady Cockney.  I am of course super glad to see Ghost again, mostly because I had a white German Shepherd growing up who looked like a smaller version of Ghost and I therefore love this particular diredoggy.

I may not be able to watch next week’s episode in a timely way, as it is Mother’s Day and this show is not mama-friendly, so apologies in advance.  I’m interested to know how you felt both if you’ve read the books and if you haven’t, because this episode was mostly deviations and filler, so it’s hard for me to get a good read on it.  Let me know in the comments!