Still not recovered from last week, but here’s a thing I discovered: if you dub over all of Jaime’s lines with the voice of Prince Charming from “Shrek 2.” Also picture him with Prince Charming’s hair net. It doesn’t fix everything but it does make it a little better.
This week on Game of Thrones, also known as “LOL what source material” and also “SER POUNCE”
I am 110% on the Missandei/Grey Worm boat let’s do this. Again, she’s a little girl in the books, and that scene doesn’t/wouldn’t happen, but I freaking loved it. These two people who have suffered immeasurably comparing their homes and Missandei is teaching him the Common Tongue and Daenerys is all cute because she got them together and Grey Worm says “Missandei is teacher good” and I LOVE IT. MORE OF THIS.
The takeover of Meereen was not all that more dramatic in the books, but I guess it took seeing it on-screen to realize how underwhelming it is. Here’s some knives, slaves (also apparently no one noticed that like all the Meereenese slaves just…left?), go stab that ONE GUY, he’ll get all “et tu, Brute?” and then BAM, Meereen is conquered. Also I guess we write “kill the masters” in the Common Tongue? Whatever, in-show continuity.
I appreciate that the show creators realize that Dany, Dragons and Co. are huge fan favorites, but Barristan’s setup for Dany’s line was just…bleh.
Barristan: “It is sometimes better to answer injustice with mercy.”
Dany: *oh sweet he set me up for this perfectly I can just drop the in- and I’ve got this sick-ass line*
Dany: AHEM “I will answer injustice WITH. JUSTICE.”
Crowd: ooooooh wow such quip, very sass
It’s different when you’re reading her POV chapters and you see just how uncertain she seems to be about a lot of things, and I’m a little sad that the show has turned her into a Cool Girls Blow Things Up Behind Them and Don’t Watch stereotype. The books also had a giant reveal of Ser Barristan (who was going by Arstan Whitebeard until he’s like SURPRISE I’M BARRISTAN) but that obviously can’t happen in the show. We’ll see where they’re going with the Meereen setup: not in love with it right now but I’ll give it another couple episodes.
These are all extra scenes and…I kind of love them? Olenna is tellin’ it like it is (although it obviously felt a little like your grandma having too much to drink and telling sex stories about your grandpa AWKKK) but it’s kind of totally reasonable for Olenna and Margaery to secure this marriage if they both really want her to be queen. The actor playing Tommen is hilariously nailing the whole early-teenager-Tommen’s-not-that-bright thing. He’s eight years old in the books, but this works fine, since they aged up Joffrey as well, so there’s still a clear gap.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the true star of this episode: SER POUNCE. I’m not even a cat person and I just freaking love me some Ser Pounce. I really can’t explain why I was so happy to see this stupid cat but seriously he jumped up on Tommen’s bed and I was like “IT’S SER POUNCE AW YEAHHH.”
This section turned into “lolol wut’s subtlety” with Littlefinger first being like “I kill drunks because they can’t keep my secrets” but then being like “let’s tell Sansa literally all my shit.” It was pretty lovely to watch Sansa be like “um wut r u doin” and the whole scene did feel like a test that Baelish gave and Sansa passed, but I’m a little over him being Exposition Man. It just felt like the writers thought the audience was stupid. He does tell her what happened in the book but it’s less “finish my sentences that I’ve set up perfectly” and more “hint hint wink wink.” I just…I don’t know. I feel like he’s turned into a mustache-twirling villain with an evil laugh and I’m just not super impressed by how they’re showing him. And just to reiterate love you forever Sansa.
I…don’t know what to do here. I can’t even really look at him anymore. His training scene with Bronn could have been a cool one, if he weren’t a rapist. His meeting with Tyrion could have been an interesting moment between brothers, if he weren’t a rapist. His scene with Cersei could have been a great moment to show when she starts to turn against him because of his defense of Tyrion…if he weren’t a rapist. His giving Brienne his sword and her new armor and Pod as a squire could have been wonderful…if he weren’t a rapist. But he is. My tweet that sums up the whole thing was “Well, you raped your sister, so killing your brother shouldn’t be too hard.”
I’m also independently mad at the show for screwing with the Oathkeeper scene, because it was excellent as it was. (Jaime names the blade, and it’s much less of a Dramatic Moment and much more new respect mixed with old antagonism in a very realistic way.) I had a ridiculous hope that they’d do some kind of “we were SO wrong about last week, sorry, seriously, we’re stupid” thing before the introduction, but of course not. I’m going to have to figure out how to write stuff about Jaime for this blog in the future, but maybe I can just write what was cool in the book before they ruined him. I’ll keep you updated.
In case you’ve forgotten, Locke is 1. the dude who chopped off Jaime’s hand 2. the dude who looks exactly like The Six Fingered Man in The Princess Bride and if you didn’t realize this yet ENJOY because YOU CAN’T UNSEE IT AND I’M NOT SORRY. In the books, this dude named Vargo Hoat chops off Jaime’s hand (he’s the leader of a sellsword company that’s shady even as sellsword companies go). I’m a little sad that he’s not in this, because he had this sweet lisp and when Jaime tells him that Brienne’s home of Tarth is called the Sapphire Isle because it holds gems and therefore they should not hurt her because they’ll ransom her for money, and Vargo Hoat responds with “Thapphireth…” It’s just excellent. He dies horribly, which is good or bad depending on how bloodthirsty you are, but yeah ANYWAY Andrew asked me what was going on with Locke and I was like “lol no clue he’s not real.”
Yes, I describe characters in a fictional series but that do not appear in the books as “not real.” This is completely healthy and I will hear nothing else about it.
I do really like Kit Harington’s version of Jon Snow, and maybe this was just me, but Kit’s hair was especially Herbal Essence-commercial-y this week, and I had almost forgotten how short he was until he was talking to Alliser and speaking to his brothers. The whole time I was just thinking “someone please get him a box, this is embarrassing.”
Bran/Craster’s Keep/I don’t even know
Don’t let Bran and Jon meet up. Jon thinks he and Rickon are dead and this is important. Just, don’t. Also what trap do they have set that can capture a DIREWOLF? Like these things are basically small tanks with fur and your shitty-ass trap caught one? Okay.
I’m REALLY not enjoying the Craster’s Keep stuff, especially since once again we are showing rape for really no other reason than to shock people. We know what show we’re watching, this scene wasn’t in the books, and you’re stripping actresses who get no lines to show that men are shitty. 300% done with this. We seem to have moved from sexposition to rapexposition and that’s not a fucking improvement. Just stop it. The difference in the show is that these are real women you’re showing and it’s not okay. Westeros is terrible and alas, poor Jeor, I knew him well and now I’m drinking out of his skull okay ENOUGH. Just stop.
No idea what they’re doing with Bran, Meera, Jojen, and Hodor meeting up with the Night’s Watch traitors, no idea where they’re going with this, this whole thing feels like filler until the great battle, I know you paid those actors and Bran’s storyline is a whole lot of walking and snow, but come on now, stop. I’m hoping next week the whole “lol what source material” stuff stops and women are left alone, but I generally lose hope the second the warnings say N for Nudity because you know it’ll be terrible.
White Walker + baby = so if you don’t read the books, just an FYI, people who do are kinda mad because this scene felt like a spoiler for the actual book series (the ones that haven’t been published yet). If you want to read about it a bit, you can go here. There’s no confirmation that this is true (and the description of the Other with the spikes as the Night’s King was taken down very quickly), but the big implication here is that if this legend is true, how many more “legends” of Westeros are also true?
To end this on a fun note, my wonderful friend Sarah describes the Others as “motherfucking ice zombies” and that is really important.
To end this on a note that will make you hate me, I rewatched the clip from the end and started singing “Ice, Ice, Baby.” Westeros has better stop collaborate and listen. (I should be sorry but I’m notttttttt)