Anatomy of a spin class

July 24, 2013

Disclaimer: I really like spin, and I’ve been doing it more lately because my knee is still being kinda stupid so I’m trying to be nice to it, and then I will be able to run more again hopefully soon.  I miss running.  No, I’m not crying right now, why would you ask WAHHHWAHWAH sobsobsob

All right!  Look at you, girl, planning your schedule so you’re here 45 minutes early.  Aw yeah, you’re awesome.  And you’re here that early so you can guarantee a hiding-in-the-back spot for this class.

Okay, I’m 45 minutes early.  Even the girl at the front desk gave you a look when I said I had a spot saved in the class.  Oh hey, there’s a towel on my bike.  Maybe I can do towel origami for like 42 minutes and then warm up.

That’s stupid; stop laughing at “towel origami,” it wasn’t even funny.  You’re staring at a spin bike in a darkened room and laughing at yourself while folding some basic rectangular shapes into a tiny white towel.  Go do something before they kick you out for being a crazy person.  And no, going up to the giant fan and talking into it so your voice turns into a robot voice doesn’t count as “doing something.” Let’s go run a bit.

Aight, I did my mile.  Now I get to go in like “aw yeah look at my warm up.”  Let’s go back in.

Okay, good, there are like 3 other people in here, it’s less weird.  Don’t do towel origami.  DON’T DO IT.

Bike adjustin’ time.  Just need to unscrew this peg and move the seat down and forward…why can’t I move it?  Did the Incredible Hulk tighten these before me?  Why am I so weak?  WHY CAN’T I DO ANYTHING RI-oh.  It turns the other way.  No one saw that, right?  They all totally saw it.

Aww yeah, feelin’ the burn.  Yeah, whatever, so you can feel a burn with zero resistance.  Don’t hate.

Oh hey instructor.  How you doin’.  You apparently doin’ well because you just said this is the third class you’ve taught today.  We have that in common.  If by “class” you mean “tablespoon of Nutella” and by “taught” you mean “eaten.”  And by “today” you mean “so far today.” 

WHY DID YOU TURN THE LIGHTS ON.  WHY.  I LOOK LIKE DEATH PLUS HONEY BOO BOO PLUS TOMATO SAUCE.  I SIGNED UP FOR DARKNESS.  STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.  Oh, you were just checking the sound system and they’re off now.  You’re forgiven.

Yeahhh buddy let’s start this class up.  Love this back row bike.  Oh, a full turn, you said?  I’m sure what you MEANT was a half turn.  Or like, a third.  Or whatever amount of resistance makes my legs go as fast as yours.  Wait, yours are reeeeeally fast.  Like, supersonic fast.  Like they’re gonna catch on fire due to air resistance fast.  Oh, yeah, sure, telling the class to just Do Our Best and take the class Based On Our Fitness Levels and How Often We Do Spin is gonna make me forget that you could potentially power a city with your spin bike and I look like I should still have training wheels.  Don’t patronize me.  Whiiiiiiine.

I need to get out of the saddle now.  Okay, out of the saddle.  Why am I giggling?  Saddle isn’t even a funny wor-hehehehe saddle.  Shut UP.  Focus.  Finish this song out while blatantly ignoring all of the prompts to add resistance.  She’s staring at me.  She knows I’m ignoring her prompts.  Shit shit shit.  Okay, look at me reaching down, I’m being good and totally adding resistance.  I am a LIAR.

Water break thank you GOD.  Ew, am I seriously sweating that much?  No, that has to be the dude next to me.  I cannot possibly be dripping onto the ground.  It must be that, um, gravity is working not quite perpendicular to the ground and it’s the people next to me.  Ugh it’s totally me I’m the grossest I’M SORRY EVERYONE.

I did not know a remix of “Free Fallin'” and “Get Low” existed.  Now I do.  I cannot unknow this.

Well, at least pretty much the whole class looks like some form of hell right now, so We’re All In This Together (don’t actually use that as a song plz and thank you).  Except for the lady directly in front of me.  Okay, woman, there is no way your butt is a real butt.  It is clearly made out of Valyrian steel and it is not fair to the rest of us that you’re parading around as if that is an attainable butt.  Your tiny shorts encase a lie.  Okay fine, your butt is real but can you please get it away from me because I’ve now started to hate my butt and it knows this and is responding by falling asleep.  That might be because we’ve spent 9 straight minutes seated but it’s MOSTLY YOUR BUTT’S FAULT. 

Nice, a new song, let’s do some stuff where we get out of our seats.  Position 3, I am all over this.  Leaning forward like a champ.  Elbows and shoulders are loose, my weight is shifted back.  I am basically a Tour de France rider right now, I look so fly.  Aaaand I’ve got sweat on my chin.  It’s dripping ugh ugh ugh this is unpleasant I need to wipe it.  Well, I can do this, because I’m being good and not supporting my weight on my arms so I can just shift and get that sweat and nothing bad will hap-BAM.  Or I’ll slip and my nose will come within one inch of the handlebars and one of my feet will fly out of the pedals and I’ll give the lady next to me a heart attack.  Basically the same thing.

Okay, cool, we’re done with like 40-ish minutes of this 45 minute class.  Almost time for cool down.  Um, instructor lady, what do you MEAN we should all try for 60?  No no no, I did not sign up for 60 minutes.  I have things to do, like eat more Nutella.  Everyone here thought it was 45, it’ll be fine!  Someone will say something, she’ll stop, and we’ll all leave.  Can you hear the people SING, singing the songs of angry men…

No one’s leaving.  THIS IS WHY REVOLUTIONS FAIL, PEOPLE.  DON’T JUST LET HER BULLY YOU.  Ugh, fine, maybe I can just leave…nope.  My wonderful back row bike spot has made it so I am actually trapped.  Fine, I’ll do this.

(15 minutes of death later)

Can we please be done now or I will cry.  Please.  I mean, I’m probably gonna cry anyway, but I was planning on doing it out in my car like a normal person.  Now you’ve forced my hand and you’ll have to watch my ugly cry face.  Wait, you said “cool down”!  I love you!

Sure, “Sandstorm” is a cooldown song.  Go home, spinning, you’re drunk.  Whatever, I’d cool down to the damn Macerena if you just let me out of here.  I’ll do your stretches, I’ll clean off my bike, and then I’m GONE. 

Same time next week, yeah?

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