A more honest college graduation program

May 28, 2013

Disclaimer: I’m basing this vaguely on my experiences at Brown University, and I do seriously love graduation stuff, this is all in good fun.

Ceremony Schedule for Graduation 2013

Way Too Damn Early: the graduates line up, roughly 1/3 of them not wearing their caps correctly

Way Too Damn Early: their families get seated and proceed to hate the graduate for making them get up

Way, WAY Too Damn Early: Mother Effing Bagpipes

(the weather will need to be either 90 with blistering sun, or intermittent rain)

9:30 AM: Procession begins

10 AM in 2035: Procession ends

10:30 AM: National Anthem sung quite proficiently by a graduate with the last lines sung terribly by all of the graduate’s friends and family

10:45 AM: Why the hell are we still using Latin, the president of the University just conferred the degrees on all the graduates but no one had any idea

10:46 AM: Scattered and late applause because what?  The dozen Classics majors are cheering wildly because they understood

10:47 AM: Teenage boy in the family sitting behind you opens up the large pizza they may have had ordered to the main field

11:00 AM: They’re walking again, why are they walking AGAIN.  Oh my God we’re gonna be here forever

11:30 AM: Everyone should be seated, which means the weather will instantly be the worst it’s been all day and the graduates realize that their caps and gowns only amplify the effects of the weather, which means 90 degree heat feels like 105 and cold rain feels like ice

11:31 AM: Graduates discover that there are granola bars and water under their seats and this is the happiest they will be all day

11:40 AM: Senior orations, oh my gosh everything is adorable, they are the cutest, their families must be so proud, I am legit gonna tweet everything they say because they are the best ever and oh my gosh oh my gosh stop it I can’t even

12 PM: Beginning of honorary degree conferring

12:05 PM: College makes rookie mistake and chooses to let Ben Affleck go first

12:06 PM: Crowd loses its collective mind; grandmothers are shouting “SPEECH, SPEECH”

12:07 PM: Ben Affleck talks for like 20 seconds, crowd continues to lose its mind

12:08 PM: Some other people get honorary degrees but no one really gives a shit, legit these people could have eradicated tuberculosis but the college chose to lead with Ben Affleck and it’s unfortunately all downhill from here

12:10 PM (not pictured): Someone from the college starts drafting apology letters to every honorary degree recipient who is not Ben Affleck; has to delete “look, you didn’t make Argo, what did you expect?” and start over again

12:30 PM: Bachelor’s Degrees conferred

12:35 PM: Joint Bachelor’s and Master’s Degrees conferred

12:40 PM: Joint Bachelor’s and Master’s and Ph.D. Degrees conferred

12:45 PM: Joint Bachelor’s and Master’s and Ph.D Degrees and Certified Yoga Instructor and Class M License and Food Preparation Certificates conferred

12:55 PM: That one dude who thinks he deserves to see more than anyone else stands up at this random point in the ceremony and continues to stay standing till the end

1:00 PM: A grandfather who is too old to care loudly asks if “this damn thing is over yet”

1:15 PM: Faculty is awarded tons of Awesomeness Medals, graduates and alumni suddenly learn that one of the old dudes on the stage has been a professor for like 85 years and won a goddamn Nobel Prize, like a NOBEL PRIZE, he is BRILLIANT and we have a NOBEL LAUREATE on our goddamn FACULTY, how did we not KNOW THIS

1:30 PM: Literally none of the graduates know the words to their school’s song but they will all give it the Old College Try

1:32 PM: Crowd is restless like a herd of animals before a thunderstorm

1:35 PM: Ceremony ends, graduates launch their caps in the air causing several serious injuries when they return to the ground


1:37 PM: Weather immediately becomes 72 degrees with a few clouds in the beautiful blue sky.

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