A rage-fueled treadmill workout

39:30 in my 5k yesterday.  WHAT. UP.  I get that this is far from Olympic quality but I broke 40 minutes holy crap we so excited we so so excited.  On an unrelated note, Old Navy’s active line is hella sweet.  Stuff is cheap and it is truly pretty good.  I got a pair of “compression” pants there this week and they are A+. 

Sundays, based on my half marathon plan, are “easy” days, and I generally hit the treadmill for these.  Conveniently, a week ago, the TV on the wall was showing some new workout for laydees and I therefore adjusted my speed and incline for each stupid and/or sexist thing the commercial showed.

(I’m joking here.  This wouldn’t work because I’d be mashing buttons every three seconds.  But the anger did really help me to finish.)  

Increase your speed by 0.1 every time

  • The founder says “tone”
  • They interview a woman wearing a pastel workout top
  • A bikini-clad model is shown emerging from a pool with no connection to the product being sold

Decrease your speed by 0.1 every time

  • Someone verbally shits on another workout for no reason
  • They show a perfectly groomed smiling woman performing the workout
  • “I got the body I’ve always wanted!”

Increase your incline by 0.5 every time

  • They show the beginner, intermediate, and advanced next to each other and there’s legit no difference between intermediate and advanced
  • A picture that could be the poster child for Worst Posture Ever is used as a “Before”
  • They say Hollywood actresses are using this method and fail to mention anyone by name

    Decrease your incline by 0.5 every time

    • The founder asks some of the laydees who have tried this workout “what inspires them” and they all say “you do! and this workout does! and OH EM GEE, it’s just the BESTEST!”
    • Someone says they lost a certain amount of inches without specifying any more than the number (can someone explain this to me?  Sometimes it legit seems like you just chopped your legs off and got shorter or something “WEEE I LOST 14 INCHES” like in height? JE NE COMPRENDS PAS)
    • Anyone in the commercial says “problem areas”
      • Can we seriously retire this phrase forever?  You know what’s a problem area?  Darfur.  You know what’s not?  Your stomach.

    Run at 100% speed and intensity when

    • The commercial legit brings these ladies’ husbands in to talk about how nice their butts are now and how they look better than ever and how they’re “so happy with the results”
      • Okay this one I didn’t plan but I was in the middle of a hill repeat and they brought the husbands in to this weird looking room with their wives to leer at them and talk about how they got “strong in a feminine way” and I just went “you’ve got to be effing kidding me” and cranked up my speed so I could take advantage of my anger-fuel
    • They bring in twin sisters, one of whom has tried the workout and the other who has not and they interview the twin who did not and she says “I saw my sister’s results and I told my husband ‘I’m the fatter twin now!'” and then bursts into tears
      • There are so many terrible things about that sound bite and using it that I don’t even know where to begin 

    I don’t really know how to wrap this up.  Just anger.  Lots of anger.  Love you all.