Can I… can I just?
Everyone please stop writing these articles, please. PLEASE.
I read Thought Catalog regularly, and I was sad to see this yesterday because I generally really like the author’s stuff, but this one really bugged me probably because I keep seeing articles like this all over the place. This post is spoiler-y if you haven’t watched the show, but it’s safe if you haven’t read the books. Which you should. But here’s the article.
10 Game of Thrones Guys and Whether or Not You Should Marry Them.
Originally I couldn’t quite articulate my rage for this particular article, and I am kind of sorry that it’s all being directed towards this one article rather than at every half-assed attempt to demonstrate you like the show, but the rage can be split into 2 vague groups:
1. This isn’t even that good of a list.
2. LADIES ARE FANS OF THIS SERIES FOR REASONS OTHER THAN “OMG HOW SEXY IS RICHARD MADDEN.”
Let’s break this down, shall we? First things first.
A third of the list has been dead since 1996. That’s when the first book came out. (Drogo, Viserys, and Ned, for those of you counting at home). Which is why I found it kind of hilarious that everyone was OMG NED because I was legitimately 9 years old in the real world when he died. I’m 24 now. This shouldn’t shock anyone who pays attention at all, but other sections of this list are gonna be deadsies as well. This series is ridiculously violent so if you’re gonna get mad that your fantasy boyfriend (or girlfriend! Whatever! It doesn’t matter! Lots of people die!) died when the rest of the fandom has known it for more than a decade. I’m only three years dedicated to this thing so I can’t even imagine the poor people who have been in it since the 90s an would sell a kidney to get Martin to write faster.
Now to the content: Pyat Pree? REALLY? That was the choice here? No Jaime? No Davos? No Tywin? No Littlefinger? No Jorah Mormont? All so a joke could be made about the fact that he looks like a just-hatched baby condor with an affinity for grape soda. WE GET IT. DUDE’S UGLY AND LIKES DRAGONS. Pick someone else.
I’d also really appreciate it if everyone could stop acting like it’s some kind of brilliant observation to point out that Joffrey is the dungbeetle of Westeros society at the tender age of 13. The kid’s awful. We get it. He’s awful and has stupid hair. You wanna talk with me about how King Robert was basically as responsible if not more than Cersei for the way he turned out? (I have feelings. Don’t judge me.) We can talk then. But the next person who points out that he is a punk and looks like that Cobra Kai dude that Daniel-san beats up and a sneer mated and had a anger-baby like it’s some kind of Einstein brilliance is gonna get smacked. Like Tyrion smacks Joffrey. Those clips you can continue to post, however, because that shit’s the BEST.
And here we come to the bigger aspect. I have to defend myself for this all the time but I read these books for the story and the characters and reasons other than to drool over Stark heirs and bastards. I’ve been mad about this since the New York Times allowed an article to be published that said “i don’t get why women would like this show it’s so complicated and sword-y LOL.” This matters to me, so I keep track of things. That article was similar to saying “I have a lot of friends but I don’t wanna memorize their names and likes and passions so BYEEEE.” I care what happens to these characters for reasons other than Bone Marry Kill. A Storm of Swords made me feel all the feelings. I have so many Theon thoughts I wish I had a second brain to work them all out. I am the Watcher on the Walls. (Not really that one but I did just buy a mug with that written on it so close enough.)
The next person I hear assuming that the only possible reason I as a ladyperson could watch this is to count how many shirtless scenes Robb Stark has…by the old gods and the new, I will crush you.
Winter is COMING. I named my right fist Winter.