Ain’t passed the bar presents: Recent Hits!

February 28, 2011

Trying a new thing for this post, and hoping that if I pick a theme I may update more often.  I recently turned in a brief, so my life is hypothetically my own again (no longer belongs to the 4th Amendment) and I have spring break now so I hope to make you laugh once again.  Plus, this is WAY more fun to write about than warrantless searches.   The day my brief was due I definitely looked like Ke$ha and the Grim Reaper made a baby (IT’S A GIRL)

Wake up in the morning feelin’ like Grim Reaper
Grab my scythe I’m out the door I’m gonna be a creeper
‘Fore I leave, shine my skull with a bottle of Jack
I may not be the greatest party but my robes sure are black

Sorry, done.

This is unrelated to the rest of the post, but if you are lost on a road, please DO NOT drive 15 under the speed limit and brake at every street.  Pull over.  Figure out where you are.  If you don’t do this, I will hunt you down, sedate you, and alter your cerebrum so that you now hear the word “got” as spoken  by Ke$ha, “love” as sung by Celine Dion, and “under” as sung by the lead singer of Creed.  Forever.  Yeah, that’s right.

Today’s recent hit song that’s getting torn apart is Enrique Inglesias’ “Tonight,” featuring Ludacris.  Heyy lyrics, heyyy.

I know you want me
I made it obvious that I want you too
How?  The song?  And how do you know for a fact that she wants you?  That’s a bold statement, Enrique.

So put it on me
Let’s remove the space between me and you
Wait, wait… put WHAT on you?  My drink on your tab?  Gladly.  Also “remove the space” is a really awkward line, champski.  Just say come closer.

So move your body
Damn I like the way that you move
So give it to me
Cause I already know what you wanna do
She’s probs already dancing, champ, but if not, I do like how you’re all like, “DANCE monkey DANCE” and then two seconds later like, “nice job!”  Also, what is she giving to you?  Is this still the drink on your tab thing?  Because I’d like that.  What does she wanna do?  I don’t know, fill me in!  Suspense is killing me!

Here’s the situation
Been to every nation
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do
The lovely Adrienne had something to say about this: “Has he really been to every nation? Even Vanuatu?  Even Trinidad and Tobago?  Even Eritrea?”  Plus you know the Pope is chillin’ in Vatican City and shouting out “BITCH WE COUNT AND YOU AIN’T BEEN HERE.”  Just kidding, the Pope wouldn’t say that.  It’d be in Latin.

You know my motivation 
Given my reputation
Please excuse me I don’t mean to be rude
But tonight I’m f***ing you
Your… reputation?  Enrique?  Enrique “I Can Kiss Away the Pain” Inglesias?  Enrique “I Don’t Wanna Be In The Dark Tonight” Inglesias?  You’ve been with the same woman for nearly a decade.  Yes, that woman is Kournikova, but your reputation is Enrique “oh my God I loved this ballad when I was in seventh grade” and “we’re karaoke-ing this right now because I’ve had 6 shots” Inglesias. 
Also, not meaning to be rude?  ur doin it rong.  Does this line “do it” for anyone?   It makes me feel uncomfortable.  And the radio version makes me pee myself laughing: he doesn’t mean to be rude but tonight he’s loving you. AWWWW ENRIQUE

You’re so damn pretty
If I had a type then baby it would be you
…huh?  Are you too cool to have a type?  Is having a type uncool?  What happened?

I know you’re ready
If I never lied then baby you’d be the truth
Aaaaand challenging the last line for pure WTF-ness is this gem.  Is this part of your non-existent reputation?  How is she the truth?  Is this chick the Mirror of Erised or Veritaserum (HP reference CHHHHECK)?  I’m not even kidding can someone plz fill me in on what he’s trying to convey here?

been to every nation, banging you tonight, etc.

Hey Luda, how you be?  Your turn!

Tonight I’m gonna do
Everything that I want with you
Everything that you need
Everything that you want
I wanna honey
I wanna stunt with you
I’m really hoping that everything that you want and everything that SHE wants are the same.  Also, have your parents never walked you through the difference between a want and a need?  Come on, Luda.  Also, suburban white girl says: I really am still not sure when the word “stunt” is appropriate.

From the window
To the wall
Gonna give you, my all
Li’l Jon was reached for comment: “WHHAAAT?  OKAY!”

Winter and summertime
When I get you on the springs
I’m gonna make you fall
No.  You’re better than that.

You got that body that make me wanna
Get up on the floor just to see you dance
Make sure to move too, Luda, otherwise you’re That Creepy Guy at the club.

And I love the way you shake that ass
Turn around and let me see them pants
Oh, Ludacris, you charmer.  They probably look the same from the front.  Also I absolutely just started humming “Tuuurn arooooound, bright eyes” at that line, so now I wrecked it.

You’re stuck with me
I’m stuck with you
Let’s find something to do
Please excuse me I don’t mean to be rude
Was there a comically-timed power outage to make you get stuck with each other?  Handcuffs that someone lost the key to?  How are you stuck with each other?  Also I generally think of something else to do before I jump to sexytimes.  Just a thought.
And you DO mean to be rude.  I also hope you both got your own girl.  Otherwise Luda is either the best or worst wingman for ‘Rique, I can’t decide.

And it continues for the lovely chorus, and wraps up with OOOOooooh, OOOOoooooooh, fading out.  I picture Enrique and Ludacris fading into the background, giving each other fistpumps and going home alone.  This song is absurd.  And now I have Total Eclipse of the Heart in my head, and you do too.  AND I NEEEEED YOU MORE THAN EVAAAAAR

Love you guys.

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  • Reply Kate February 28, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Love love love your post.
    But FYI, the name is Enrique Iglesias, not Inglesias. Coming from a true fan of many years. Just thought you should know.

  • Reply Baird March 2, 2011 at 1:41 am

    My favorite thing about this is your insistence on getting "Total Eclipse of the Heart" stuck in my head. That was just awesome.

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