Sidenote: they just opened a Chipotle about 5 minutes from me, which means I’ma be spherical by Christmas (think Violet Beauregarde but instead of juice, full of burrito).
I’m in law school, but I don’t pretend like I’m the only person whose sleep schedule is messed up. (More like my life schedule: whatever, dinner can totally happen at 9:30 when I take a death nap from 6 to 9.) Most students seem to suffer from this, grad school, undergrad, whatever, and I love watching the articles and news reports showing that students aren’t getting enough sleep. This is because I know every person between the ages of 15 and 29 is staring at the screen going “Say it ain’t so! Next thing you know you’ll be telling us that Lindsay Lohan has done un-Disney-like things and Soulja Boy isn’t a good rapper!” We KNOW, people. EVERYONE knows. We don’t sleep correctly.
I’ve never been a morning person, but I’m pretty sure most young people aren’t. Waking up to an alarm, I’ve figured out, is retribution for the fact that you don’t remember being born and what a rude awakening that must have been. It doesn’t matter if it’s 6:15 or 10 AM, if you don’t want to wake up, the first emotion you feel in the morning is rage.
The alarm noise (I’m convinced they develop it by walking around and recruiting people you found irritating in highschool, bagpipers, and any one related by fewer than three degrees of separation to Fran Drescher) is basically a giant IHATEYOUIHATEYOU every morning, and if you have a comfortable bed, good luck. Snooze button? Let’s put off life for a bit longer. Is it raining? Hit it once. Cold? Hit it twice. Raining AND cold? Three times. If you hit the trifecta of rain, cold, and still dark outside…sorry guys, not gonna make it in today. Bed is better than the frickin’ Mount Doom outside. Except at least Mount Doom would be warm.
The rest of the morning is a blast and a half. I don’t know what my favorite part is, since it’s so hard to choose. The lines left on my face because I had the bad luck to sleep on a crease of my pillow? The fact that my muscles are so weak that a six-year-old could take me in a playground fight and I’m anticipating being defeated by the orange juice lid? The fact that my eyes are doing a sultry half-closed look due to puffiness and dark circles that might attract a raccoon but no other organism? The fact that I have to drink a cup of coffee just to hit equilibrium? Yeah mornings, that’s how I like it. On Mondays and Wednesdays I get to go to torts and get shouted at for a while because our professor (while totally competent and clear) is a little WACKY so she SHOUTS some of her POINTS and at 8:15 in the Goddamn MORNING it’s like having another ALARM so I just want to PUNCH IT but “it” is a PROFESSOR so that’s probably a bad CALL but this goes on for two HOURS and by the end of it I’m like LESS LURNING MOAR SLEEPING PLZ. And seriously, she’s a good professor, I’m getting the material, but still.
Other than your supposedly main body of sleep done during the night, there are these things called “naps.” Naps are kind of like a deal with the devil, or eating at Coldstone: at the moment, it’s wonderful, but not worth the price you pay in the long run.
There are rules to napping.
1. You will nap longer than you wanted to.
20-minute power naps become hour-long dozes. 45 minutes becomes an hour and a half. Didn’t set an alarm for your nap? Rookie mistake, and you gon’ be out for three hours. Why you gotta be like that, bed.
2. You will feel like an idiot when you wake up.
If you didn’t mean to nap, you’ll feel like an idiot because you gave into sleep, but even if you meant to nap, you will feel silly upon waking. You may look at the clock, see that it’s 7:45 and assume you’ll be late for class/work. You may rise and fall, not realizing one of your legs is asleep. You make wake up with a feeling I can only describe as HUNNNHHH? which, defined, means “I have forgotten everything that has ever happened to me and am very confused right now.” The Goldfish State, as it were.
3. You will waste time at either end of the nap preparing for and recovering from it.
Changing clothes, closing blinds, listening to music, whatever. Attempting to fall asleep however it works best for you. Then, on the other end, you will take wayyyyy too much time getting yourself out of bed, adjusting to the light, and remembering how to make words with your mouth again.
4. You’ll tell everyone about your nap.
One other hard and fast rule about sleeping: instead of using the “fall back” extra hour to your advantage, you will waste that hour on YouTube and Facebook or decide laundry needs to get done instead of actually going to bed. And Spring Forward? Kiss that hour of sleep goodbye; you’re not gonna adjust your schedule. Am I RIGHT? Is that just me?….nevermind.
Not my best work here, I know, but I had this post mostly crafted a few days ago and haven’t posted in a while, so here you go!
i love you. you complete me in a way that no one ever has! 🙂
I am entirely comfortable spending a third of my life hitting 'refresh' on your blog, because it hits home EVR TIME YO
I think "Why you gotta be like that, bed?" Is my new motto. And if this isn't your best work, well, it's still freaking awesome. These nap rules are TOO TRUE and basically every reason why I can't take naps. And I accidentally spat on my computer when I envisioned you as a burrito-filled Violet Beauregard. Win. Win win win.
So I just read all of your blog today instead of doing work. It has made me so happy!
Also, if you are a burrito-filled Violet Beauregard, then would you turn pinto bean-color or black bean-color?
Lauren – of the two, probably black bean-colored, but I usually get the fajita burrito, so perhaps a nice sickly combination of pepper green and onion purple?
Oh my gosh I'm gonna be SO ATTRACTIVE
WORD on needing a mug of coffee just to feel human again.
Also, let's talk about how I have to set my alarm to go off 40 minutes before I need to get up. Yeah. I need that much time. I have 3 different phone alarms for 3 different songs, so I know if TaySwift comes on singing about Romeo, I better get up PRONTO or be late to school…
Finally, I'll trade your professor for 24 kids hollering, drumming, teasing, whining, and asking a million questions. Mornings… I hates dem.